Chickenpox/Script

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"Chickenpox/Script"

"Roger Ebert Should Lay off the Fatty Foods/Script"

The official script for "Chickenpox" was released by South Park Studios. It is located [[Media:{{{e}}}.pdf|here]]!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Shelly Marsh
• Randy Marsh
• Sharon Marsh
• Gerald Broflovski
• Sheila Broflovski
• Ike Broflovski
• Liane Cartman
• Stuart McCormick
• Kevin McCormick
• Carol McCormick
• Mr. Garrison
• Dr. Doctor
• Terrance and Phillip
• Chef
• Frida, the aged Prostitute

Script

Chickenpox
	Hell's Pass Hospital. Sharon and Dr. Doctor stand before Shelly's bed.
Dr. Doctor	It's a good thing we got her to the hospital in time.
Sharon	But what's wrong with her?
Dr. Doctor	It's chickenpox. There seems to be a small epidemic going around. Your daughter never had the chickenpox as a little child, I take it?
Sharon	No, no, she's been perfectly healthy.
Dr. Doctor	Well, that's the problem. You see, chickenpox is a pretty normal thing for young children, but as you get older it becomes a more and more ferocious disease.
	The door opens and Stan enters.
Sharon	[Sweetly.] Shelly, look who's come to visit you; your little brother, Stan.
Shelly	[In disgust.] Oh, whoo-peee!
Dr. Doctor	You know, most people don't realize that chickenpox is actually a form of herpes.
Stan	Dude, you've got herpes on your face!
Shelly	Shut up, brat!
Sharon	[With some urgency.] Will my daughter be okay?
Dr. Doctor	She'll be fine.
Shelly	[Stan scratches her cheek.] Stop it!
Dr. Doctor	We just want to be cautious and monitor her here.
	A crash is heard, and Sharon and Dr. Doctor look on in surprise.
Stan	Ow!
	Shelly has knocked Stan to the floor.
Sharon	Come on, Stanley. Give your sister a kiss and then we have to go.
	The Broflovski house. Sharon, Sheila, and Liane are seated at the dining room table. Ike is playing in his high chair.
Sharon	...and then the doctor said that it's much worse as you get older. My daughter is in pretty bad shape now, but if she were in her twenties, she could die.
Sheila	My God, I never knew chickenpox was such a dangerous illness.
Liane	I guess it's much better to get it when you're young.
Sharon	So tell me if I'm crazy, but I started thinking that we should intentionally have our boys play with a child who has the chickenpox. Let them get it now, while they're young.
Sheila	That's not crazy at all, Sharon. Mothers do it all the time.
Liane	Oh, yes. When I was a child, my mother had me go over to a little girl's house who had the chickenpox, just so I would get it.
Sharon	So it's not such a crazy idea after all?
Sheila	Noo, no. And I'm pretty sure that strange little boy Kenny has the chickenpox right now.
	Kyle, Stan, and Cartman walk up to the table.
Kyle	Are you guys having a meeting or something?
Sheila	How would you boys like to have a little slumber party at your friend Kenny's house tonight?
Cartman	No way, dude. Kenny's family's poor; they live in the ghetto.
Kyle	Yeah. Let's just have a slumber party here.
Sharon	Boys, you're going to sleep over at Kenny's, and that's final.
Cartman	Oh weak!
	The boys have gone home to gather their things. Now they meet up and walk to Kenny's house.
Kyle	I wonder why our moms want us to sleep over at Kenny's so bad.
Stan	Yeah, it's pretty weird.
	The boys cross some railroad tracks.
Kyle	Well, all I can say is, he's better have Nintendo.
	They come upon a house with an orange cat and a small gray dog milling around. Strewn about the yard are a motor, a sofa, a refrigerator, a pack of beer bottles...
Kyle	Well, here's Kenny's house.
Cartman	In the ghetto On a cold and gray Chicago morn Another little baby child is born In the ghetto... In the ghetto
	Stan knocks on the door and Stuart McCormick answers, beer in hand.
Stuart	Yeah?
Stan	We're here to have a slumber party with Kenny.
Stuart	What? Don't you know Kenny's sick with--?
Mrs. McCormick	[Intruding.] That's the whole point, remember? Their moms want them to catch it while they're young.
Stuart	Oh yeah.
Stan	Catch what?
Mrs. McCormick	Nothin'. Uhco-uh, come on in, I was jus' makin' dinner.
	The boys follow the parents in. Shag carpeting, another sofa, an engine block doubling as a coffee table, a beer sign...
Cartman	And his momma cried 'Cause if there's one thing that she don't need Is another little hungry mouth to feed In the ghetto In the ghetto
	Stuart sits in his armchair.
Stan	Sshh! Cartman!
Cartman	What?
Mrs. McCormick	[Setting the table.] Kenny, your little friends are here! Come play with them!
Kenny	(No, Mom, I'm seriously sick!)
Mrs. McCormick	I know you're sick! Now get your buns out here!
Kyle	Heheheh, buns.
Kenny	[Walks up to the other boys.] (Hey you guys, what's goin' on?)
Stan	Whoa, dude! You've got herpes on your face, too!
Cartman	[Scanning the room.] Where is the Nintendo?
Stuart	We don't have a Nintendo. We got a ColecoVision hooked up to the black-and-white TV.
	Rats scurry near the TV.
Kyle	Oh my God. This is like a third-world country.
Mrs. McCormick	[Now finished setting table.] Throw your sleeping bags in Kenny's room and then come grab some dinner.
Cartman	Oh, good. I'm starving.
	The boys are seated, as are Kenny's parents. Kenny's older brother comes to table. All there is to eat is a plate of 5 or 6 frozen waffles and a toaster to toast them in. The boys can only wonder.
Mrs. McCormick	Let's say grace.
	The boys put their hands together.
Stuart	Lord, we thank you for this staggering payload of frozen waffles you have bestowed upon us. And since we have been faithful to you, we know that you will send us some good fortune one of these days, even though you sure as hell seem to be taking your sweet time. Amen.
All	Amen.
Cartman	Pfff..!
Mrs. McCormick	Okay, let's dig in.
	She drops a waffle into the toaster.
Kevin	That one's mine, that one's mine!
Cartman	[Coolly.] What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying this evening with our frozen waffles?
	Everyone stops and waits.
Cartman	Am I to understand there will be no side dishes?
Stuart	So, Kyle, your dad's still bringing home those big, fat lawyer paychecks?
Kyle	I don't know.
Mrs. McCormick	Stuart, don't even get started!
	She points at him.
Stuart	[To his wife.] What? I'm just askin' a question. [To Kyle.] You know, your dad and I used to be best friends when we were teenagers. We would work together at Pizza Shack. But he got promoted and went off to community college and I didn't. And you know why? 'Cause your dad's Jewish!
Cartman	Puh! I heard that.
Mrs. McCormick	That ain't why, Stuart! [Sadness creeps into her voice.] It's because you are an alcoholic retard and he had dreams of not eating frozen waffles for dinner every night!
Stuart	Hey, is it my fault you don't know how to cook?!
Mrs. McCormick	What am I supposed to do with frozen waffles, clamhead?! You put 'em in the toaster and you cook 'em!
Stuart	You just don't know how to use spices and stuff.
Kevin	[Gleefully.] My waffle's d-hun, my waffle's d-hu-hun!
Mrs. McCormick	Now Kevin, we ain't got enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother.
Cartman	Oh, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?
Stuart	Hey! We don't say "fuck" at the table, you little asshole!
Cartman	[Hushed.] Heh, we apparently don't say 'side dishes' at the table, either.
Kenny	(Aa-choo!)
Mrs. McCormick	Kenny, honey, if you're going to sneeze, sneeze on them.
Stan	Huh?
Kenny	[Turning towards Cartman.] (Waa-choo!)
Cartman	[Recoiling.] Ey!
	Cartman closes both his eyes, but then opens the right one. Later, in Kenny's room. Kenny has two posters of bikini-clad women and one of a 4X4 monster truck. His curtains are tatters and his dresser drawer is a battered suitcase. His bed has no frame to rest on.
Cartman	Man, your family sucks ass, Kenny. Whoever heard of frozen waffles for dinner?
Kyle	Come on! Let's just get in our sleeping bags and get this night over with.
	The boys go to their respective sleeping bags while Kenny goes to his bed. The boys roll down their bags and Stan and Kyle have Terrance and Phillip sleeping bags, Cartman however...
Kyle	Cartman, what the hell is that?
Cartman	It's my Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it coool?
Kyle	No, it's not cool!
Stan	Dude, I think I just saw a rat!
Cartman	Argh! You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?!
Kenny	(Uh-huh.)
Cartman	Dude, seriously, you'd better stop being so poor, or else I'm gonna start huckin' rocks atcha.
Stan	I don't think it's very healthy to sleep with rats.
Kenny	(Well, there's gonna be a bunch of rats until they put the freakin' ceiling in.)
Stan	Oh.
	The boys settle in, and Kenny claps twice. The lights go out.
Kenny	(Aa-choo!)
	The next day. The boys have gone back home. First up: Stan's house. Stan has a thermometer in his mouth and his skin is starting to break out.
Sharon	Okay, lemme see.
	She withdraws the thermometer, and reads it.
Sharon	Oh, goody! You've got a fever!
Stan	[Mad.] Goody? What do you mean, "goody"?!
Sharon	Yyup, it looks like you've got chickenpox alright.
Stan	Chickenpo--? Oh no, I must have caught it from Kenny last night.
Sharon	Oh, gee, I guess you did.
Stan	Well, you sure seem happy about it!
Sharon	All right, it's off to bed with you, young man.
	Cartman's house. Cartman is on the sofa scratching at his skin.
Liane	Don't scratch it, hon.
Cartman	[Whining.] But mom, seriously, it itches. I can't stand it!
Liane	No, hon.
Cartman	[Whining.] Mom, seriously, it itches. It itches!
Liane	Here, I got you some calamine lotion.
	She hands the bottle to him.
Cartman	I don't wanna.
Liane	It'll make your itches go away.
	She opens the bottle and rubs some lotion on his face.
Cartman	Ugh. Uunnh.
	She stops.
Cartman	Ey, give me that!
	He takes the bottle and rubs some more lotion on his face.
Cartman	Ahhhh...
Liane	Not too much, hon. It says on the bottle that too much can be bad.
Cartman	More calamine lotion!
	Kyle's house. His parents look him over.
Sheila	I don't understand it. He's perfectly healthy.
Kyle	Yeah. I feel great!
Sheila	Are you sure you stayed over at Kenny's house?
Kyle	Yeah, dude. I told you, we had bread sandwiches for breakfast.
Sheila	Did you sleep in the same room?
Kyle	Yes. Why?
Sheila	Bubbe, how would you like to spend the night at your friend Kenny's house again?
Kyle	No way, dude! It sucked ass! They don't even have cable!
Sheila	Well I think you need to spend more time with your friends.
Kyle	Kenny's not really my friend, Ma. I don't give a rat's ass about him.
Sheila	I'm gonna give Mrs. McCormick a call.
Kyle	Aawwww! Hey Dad. Is it true that you and Kenny's dad used to be best friends when you were young?
Gerald	Who? Stuart? Yeah, yeah, I guess we were.
Kyle	Well how come Kenny's family eats frozen waffles for dinner and has rats on the floor, and we have a big house and lots of food?
Gerald	Well, because Kenny's family doesn't have as much money as we do.
Kyle	But why? If they're hungry and poor, why don't we just always give them half of our food?
Gerald	Ha ha ha ha ha! Ooh-ho boy, have you got a lot to learn! Sit down, son.
	Gerald sits and motions for Kyle to sit on his lap.
Gerald	You see, Kyle, we humans work as a society, and in order for a society to thrive, we need gods, and clods.
Kyle	Gods and clods?
Gerald	Yes. You see, I spent a lot of time going to law school, and I was able to go because I have a slightly higher intellect than others. But I still need people to pump my gas, and make my French fries, and fix my laundry machine when it breaks down.
Kyle	Oooohh, I see. Gods and clods!
Gerald	That's right. So Kenny's family is happy just the way they are, and we're all a functioning part of America.
	Stan's house, night time. Stan is in bed, motionless.
Sharon	[Enters.] Stanley, can I get you anything else?
	She draws closer and feels his forehead.
Sharon	Stanley? Oh my God! Randy?! Randy, hurry, he's burning up!
	Next day, Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan now lies next to Shelly. Their parents are also present.
Sharon	Don't you worry, Stanley, you're going to be okay.
Dr. Doctor	[Entering.] Can I talk to you outside?
Sharon	Kids, Daddy and I are gonna be right back, okay?
Stan	Okay.
Shelly	[Now that they're alone.] Serves you right, you little brat!
Stan	Well at least I'm not gonna die from it like you might! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Shelly	If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!
TV Voice	["Passion Cramps"] Will Carol find out she's a fa...
Stan	I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch Terrance and Phillip!
Shelly	[Threatening] We're watching this!
Stan	Well I've got the remote, bitch! Hahaha. [Click.]
Phillip	Say, Terrance? Will you check my ass for abnormalities?
	Phillip raises his leg high.
Terrance	Sure thing, Phillip.
	Terrance sticks his head in there, and Phillip farts on him.
Terrance	Ah ha ha ha, you got me again!
	Stan laughs.
Phillip	That's tomfoolery.
	Stan laughs, as do Terrance and Phillip.
Shelly	Give me the remote!
Stan	No way, dude! We're gonna watch Terrance and Phillip all day--
	She reaches over to his bed, presses a switch, and his bed folds in on him.
Stan	Ey! Get me out of here!
	Shelly takes the remote and switches channels.
TV Voice	["Passion Cramps"] She was...
	Meanwhile, outside the room.
Dr. Doctor	He'll be okay, but it's a good idea for us to monitor him for a while.
Sharon	[Anxious.] Oh God, what have we done?
Dr. Doctor	There there now, it's not your fault.
Randy	Doctor, we-uuuh purposefully sent our son to stay with a friend who had chickenpox so that he would get it early.
Dr. Doctor	Oh, wow, you did? Wow. You guys suck.
	Kenny's house. Kyle and his mom are visiting. She's talking with Mrs. McCormick in the dining room. Kenny and Kyle enter.
Kyle	Could we go home now, Ma?
Sheila	No, bubbeleh. You play with Kenny some more.
Kyle	But we've been playing for eight hours. We can't think of anything else to do.
Sheila	I've got a great game for you. It's called "ookie mouth".
Kyle	What's "ookie mouth"?
Sheila	First, you let Kenny spit in your mouth. Then you try to swallow his spit and say "ookie mouth" at the same time.
Kyle	Sick, dude!
Sheila	No, no, bubbe, it's loads of fun. Try it.
	Kenny and Kyle look at each other and walk away.
Sheila	That ought to take care of it.
Mrs. McCormick	You want some more hot water?
Sheila	Oh, no thank you. It's terrific though, it's-- You don't have any tea bags or coffee grounds to go in the hot water, do you?
Mrs. McCormick	Naw, we don't go for that hoity-toity rich folk stuff.
Sheila	I see. Well, you certainly have aab- humble home, Mrs. McCormick.
Mrs. McCormick	Yehah, well, unfortunately my husband is a washed-up hunk of shit!
Sheila	Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Kyle	Ookie mouth! [Kenny spits in.] Gross! I can't do it, Ma!
Sheila	Try again, bubbe!
	Kenny spits in Kyle's mouth again.
Kyle	Argh!
Sheila	You know, your husband and mine used to work together as teenagers.
Mrs. McCormick	Oh they wuz best friends; you couldn't separate 'em.
Sheila	Really? I met Gerald in college, so I didn't know. What happened to them?
Mrs. McCormick	Oh they jus' grew apart, I guess. I think Stuart's a little jealous that your husband got out of makin' pizzas and went on to make somethin' of hisself.
Sheila	Well that's too bad. I'm sure your husband's a fine man.
Mrs. McCormick	Oh, hell no! He's a nugget o' deer turd.
Sheila	But if they were such good friends it seems silly that they don't even talk anymore. Let's get them together!
Mrs. McCormick	Uh-I don't know.
Sheila	We'll just arrange a little fishing trip for them or something.
	Kyle returns with Kenny.
Kyle	I can't say "ookie mouth" and have Kenny spit down my throat at the same time. It's impossible.
	Kyle's face and hat are covered in spit.
Sheila	Practice makes perfect, bubbe.
	Cartman's house. Cartman's on the sofa watching TV, scratching his face.
Cartman	Dammit, where's that calamine lotion?!
Terrance	[With clipboard.] Phillip, I've got good news, and bad news.
Phillip	Give it to me straight, Terrance.
Terrance	The good news is, you have a clean bill of health.
Phillip	Oh, what a relief!
Terrance	The bad news is, you have cancer.
	Cartman is shocked.
Phillip	Cancer?
Terrance	Yes. I'm afraid your ass is collapsing.
Phillip	My ass is collapsing?
Terrance	Yes. See this X-ray? [Turns it on.] That's your ass. See this line? [Points to it.] That's your ass collapsing. Your ass is collapsing.
Phillip	Will this mean that I won't be able to fart anymore?
Terrance	No, it means that you won't be able to live anymore.
	They both laugh.
Cartman	[Somber.] Oh, no. [The itching returns.] Damnit!
	Mr. Kitty strolls by.
Cartman	No, Kitty! That's a-- Wait a minute. Come 'ere, Kitty!
	Kitty jumps up and Cartman uses him as a scrubber.
Cartman	Uh. Yes. Uh...
Liane	[Closing a door.] I'm back, hon. I got some more calamine lotion.
Cartman	[Releases Mr. Kitty.] It's about friggin' time! Give me that!
	He grabs the bag and hurries up the stairs.
Liane	Just use a little bit of that stuff, hon. It has to last a while.
	Cartman reaches the bathroom and closes the door. Then he opens the bag and pulls out six bottles of the lotion and pours them into the tub. Then he undresses and jumps into the tub.
Cartman	Uugh! Yeessss. [His voice trails off.] Ooohhh yyou guys, seriiously, it calms yer ass. Ahhhh...
	He sinks into the water blissfully as bubbles pop around him. Meanwhile, Gerald and Stuart are driving to the river for a fishing trip.
Stuart	I didn't know you like to fish, Gerry.
Gerald	Oh, yeah, love it! I haven't done it for a while, though. I had to go out and buy a few things, you know a-. A rod and a reel and an uh, uuh...
Stuart	Tackle box?
Gerald	Yeah, tackle box. [Stretches.] Man, smell that mountain air. What a great Saturday morning; aren't weekends just the best?
Stuart	When you're uh-unemployed, weekends are meaningless.
Gerald	Right. Right-right.
	Monday afternoon, South Park Elementary. The dismissal bell rings.
Mr. Garrison	And so, children, that's how you tell a prostitute from a policeman. Now, are there any questions?
	Kyle raises his hand.
Mr. Garrison	Yes, Kyle?
Kyle	What the hell does that have to do with American history?
Mr. Garrison	Uh, that's a good question, Kyle. Are there any other questions?
Kyle	Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here. Everyone else has chicken herpes.
Mr. Garrison	Right, right. Uhh... Well, class, I'm going to assign you all a paper. The theme of the paper will be, "How I would make America better."
Kyle	What?! Does everybody have to do it, or just me?
Mr. Garrison	Uh, don't worry, Kyle. I'm sending homework to all the children who are out sick. They'll have to turn in a paper, too.
	Hell's Pass Hospital.
Stan	Homework?! But I'm in the hospital!
Sharon	Well, your teacher sent this stuff over for you to do while you're sick.
Stan	That son of a bitch! What kind of sick weirdo is he?
Sharon	Now, Stanley, I know at your age teachers can seem cold and heartless, but later, you'll understand that he did this for your own good.
Stan	Not Mr. Garrison, Ma. He really is a sick weirdo.
Randy	Yeah, it's-it's true, he is.
Sharon	Oh. Well, anyway, here's a pencil and some paper.
Stan	Wait! Where are you going?
Randy	We're going down to-uhh Happy Burger for some milkshakes.
Stan	Milkshakes?!
Sharon	Yeah, and then we're going to the movies.
Randy	See ya, son. [They leave.]
Stan	Weak!
	Kyle's house. Kyle is on the sofa working on his paper.
Kyle	"So this is how America works. We have gods and clods. My dad says America needs both rich and poor to survive, but I have a better idea."
	Kyle puts down the pen and paper and walks over to the kitchen.
Sheila	No I don't understand it, Dr. Schwartz, he's perfectly healthy.
	Sheila is on the phone, Kyle is over by the microwave.
Sheila	He's been over at Kenny's house three days in a row and still hasn't caught the chickenpox.
Kyle	[Softly.] What?
Sheila	I don't know what else to do. We sent the other boys over and they all got sick, but I can't get my little Kyle to catch it.
Kyle	[Frightened.] Oh my God!
Sheila	[Turns.] Kyle, what are you doing there, honey?
Kyle	[Angry.] You!
Sheila	[Subdued.] I'll call you back, Dr. Schwartz.
	She hangs up.
Kyle	You!
Sheila	[Walks over.] What, bubbeleh, what is it?
Kyle	You sent us over to Kenny's house on purpose! You wanted us to get sick!
Sheila	Oy. It was for your own good, Kyle. I wanted you to get chickenpox while you were young.
Kyle	Why?! So I could be sitting in the hospital waiting to die, like Stan?!
Sheila	Now, Kyle, come here.
Kyle	You get away from me, you crazy woman!
	He runs off.
Sheila	Hoh boy.
	Down by the riverside. Stuart and Gerald are fishing.
Stuart	Beer?
Gerald	Huh? Oh, uh, no thanks, I brought my own. Microbrew sampler from Aspen. Has six different beers from local breweries.
	Stuart is expressionless.
Gerald	Sahay, remember that time we built the fort in your mom's back yard?
Stuart	Hu hu hu hu heh yeah. It took us damn near two years to finish it.
Gerald	Hahah. Whatever happened to that old hunk o' junk? Haha--
Stuart	[Soberly.] That's where I live now.
Gerald	Oh, right.
	Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan is working on his paper.
Stan	And so that's why Knight Rider was the best show in America.
Kyle	[Rushing in.] Stan! Stan!
Stan	[Pointing to Shelly.] Sshh. Wake her up and we're both dead.
Kyle	[Softly.] Sorry, sorry. You know how after we spent the night at Kenny's house and-and you and Cartman got sick with chickenpox?
Stan	Yeah.
Kyle	Dude! Our parents sent us over there to get us sick!
Stan	What are you talking about?
Kyle	They knew that staying at Kenny's house would get us sick, and they made us do it anyway.
Stan	They did?
Kyle	Yeah. And I think I figured out why.
Stan	Why?
Kyle	Because they're a bunch of assholes.
Stan	[Long gasp.] Of course!
Kyle	Come on, dude. We've gotta get out of here. I don't know what they're planning next, but it can't be good!
	They rush out of the room, meanwhile, back at Cartman's house. Cartman is back in the tub, now working on his paper. Calamine lotion bottles line the tub and litter the floor outside.
Cartman	"I hope that one day America could be more like Endor, where the Ewoks live. Endor is very cool."
	The doorbell rings.
Cartman	Mom, answer that! "They have trees and Ewoks, and barbecues, which is why I like Endor more than America. It's cool."
	Kyle and Stan rush into the bathroom.
Kyle	Cartman, do you remember how we all spent the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago?
Cartman	I remember frozen waffles with no side dishes.
Stan	Cartman, our parents sent us over there to catch chickenpox from Kenny!
Kyle	Yeah, dude. Your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.
Cartman	She what?!
Stan	It's some kind of parental conspiracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something.
Cartman	That bitch! I'm gonna go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!
Kyle	No-no-no-no. Come on, fatass, we're gonna get 'em all back.
	Down by the riverside...
Gerald	Well, I'm sure you'll find another job soon. Something'll come along.
Stuart	Not that easy. You were lucky.
Gerald	Now, now-I, I wasn't lucky.
Stuart	You had rich parents. You got to go to that expensive community college.
Gerald	Hey! I worked my ass off to get to where I am today! [Rising.] I wanted to be somebody!
Stuart	[Rising.] I wanted to be somebody, too! I just wasn't born with a silver enema up my ass!
Gerald	You're just jealous. You're a bitter old drunk, just like your father!
	Stuart punches him down.
Gerald	Ow!! [Gets up.]
Stuart	Now don't make me do that again!
	Stuard hits him again.
Gerald	Ow! You son of a bitch!
	Gerald chokes Stuart. They start tugging at each other.
Stuart	Uh!
Gerald	Ow!
Stuart	Oh!
Gerald	Ow!
	Gerald ends up on the ground again.
Stuart	Eeaagghh!
	Stuart jumps and does an elbow drop on Gerald.
Gerald	[In pain.] Huuuh!
	Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan's parents are visiting.
Randy	Doctor?
Dr. Doctor	Yes?
Randy	Wh-where's Stan?
Dr. Doctor	Stan?
Randy	Stan, our son?
Dr. Doctor	Oh, yes. Where is Stan?
Sharon	You mean Stanley's missing?
Dr. Doctor	No, no. He's not missing. We just... can't seem to find him at this moment.
Sharon	[To Randy.] Oh my God! Our son ran away!
Randy	Will he be okay out of the hospital?
Dr. Doctor	Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.
Sharon	Die?
Dr. Doctor	Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.
Randy	Okay, well well, let's go look--
Dr. Doctor	As he chokes for breath, the pox will move through his inner ear into his brain, making him think he's David Duchovny.
Sharon	Oh God, no!
Randy	I'm-I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.
Dr. Doctor	Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of--
	Kyle's house. Sheila looks after Ike, who plays with a toy truck. Gerald enters. His entire outfit is torn, he has a black eye and his fishing line is all mangled.
Sheila	So how was it? Did you boys have a good time fishing?
Gerald	That son of a bitch ripped my parka!
Sheila	Catch anything?
Gerald	I just don't get it.
	He drops the pole.
Gerald	Why would he invite me fishing and then turn into a complete bastard?
Sheila	Well, darling, I have to tell you something. He didn't invite you. I set the whole thing up.
Gerald	What? Now why the hell would you knowingly deceive me like that?
Sheila	I thought it would be good for you.
Gerald	Just like you deceived our son into going to Kenny's; and that didn't work either!
Sheila	[Exasperated, she leaves.] I'm doing the best I can!
	Gerald picks up Kyle's paper on the sofa and looks over it.
	"My Final Solution by Kyle Broflovski." "My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods, so my idea to make America better is put all the poor people into camps."
Gerald	What?!
	"If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people. And there won't be any hunger, poverty, or homeless people. 'Cause they'll all be dead. The end."
Gerald	Oh, God, what have I done?
	Chef's house. He's watching Terrance and Phillip. Terrance and Phillip are both on operating tables with only their heads and asses exposed.
Phillip	What's happening here, Terrance?
Terrance	We're doing an anal transplant. It's our only hope.
Phillip	Who's the donor?
Terrance	I am, Phillip. I am.
Phillip	Terrance, you're giving up your ass for me?
Terrance	Just half my ass. Can you believe it, Phillip? Best friends, and now we're going to share the same ass.
	Someone is knocking on Chef's door.
Chef	Oh, damn it, not now!
	Chef goes to answer the door. Stan, Kyle and Cartman wait.
Chef	Damn it! Children, what are you doing here? Terrance and Phillip are about to go into surgery!
Kyle	Chef, we wanna know about herpes.
Chef	What makes you think I would know anything about that?
Kyle	Well I don't know. You're just the only grownup we trust.
Stan	How does someone get herpes?
Chef	Well you get it by sharin' relations with somebody who already has it. You have to be very careful around someone who has herpes.
Kyle	Do you know anybody with herpes?
Chef	Well, there's old Frida down on Main Street. She has a mouthful of herpes. You need to stay away from her.
Stan	But what if we want to give somebody herpes?
Chef	Oh, then, Frida's the right person to go to.
Kyle	Cool! Thanks, Chef!
Chef	O-kay!
	He closes the door and goes back to his armchair. The boys leave.
Chef	Wait a minute. What the hell did I just do?
	Main Street. Randy and Sharon drive around looking for Stan.
Sharon	Stanley?
Randy	Stan?
Sharon	[Softly.] Oh, Stanley, where are you..?
Randy	Stan?
Sharon	Stanley!
	The car makes a right two blocks down, and the kids appear a block closer. They walk up the block and see an old redhead smoking a cigarette.
Kyle	Are you old Frida?
Frida	[Raspily.] Who wants to know?
Kyle	Someone who wants a favor.
Frida	Ten dollars a lay, five dollars a b-- [Snorts.]
Kyle	[To Stan, throws his hands up.] Huh?
Cartman	We want you to give our parents herpes.
Frida	[Puffs out.] Five dollars.
Stan	My dad has five dollars on top of his dresser. [Coughs.]
Kyle	Damn, you sound pretty sick. Maybe you should go back to the hospital.
Stan	And have Shelly kick my ass? No thanks. Plus, I have to get my parents back just as much as you do.
	The Monkee's "I'm a Believer" plays. The boys hire Frida, and take her to each of their houses. First stop, Stan's house. She goes into the bathroom and uses Randy's and Sharon's toothbrushes. Stan and Kyle smile, then Stan gives a thumbs up in approval. In the kitchen, Frida chugs away at a jar of milk, then sends the milk right back into the jar. Next stop, Kyle's house. She goes into the master bedroom and uses Sheila's lipsticks. Then she goes to the kitchen and soils the silverware by putting each and every utensil under her armpits. Stan and Kyle jump for joy and high-five each other. Last stop, Cartman's house. She goes into Liane's room and pulls out some panties, then rubs them all over her face. Cartman jumps for joy. They all return to Stan's house, and she licks away at some wine glasses and the phone receiver. Stan and Kyle high-five each other again. Finally, they pay her and she leaves.
Stan	Thanks a lot, Frida!
Frida	[Hacks.] Don't mention it.
	She hacks again, pockets the money, and walks away.
Kyle	D-hude, this is gonna be so killer. They're all gonna get herpes!
Boys	Hooray!
	Stan coughs and the adults burst into the room. Fear strikes the boys.
Randy	Stanley, where the hell have you been?
Sharon	Damn it, Stanley, you had us worried sick! You have to get back to the hospital for a shot!
Stan	[Hiding behind Kyle.] I don't wanna go back there.
Randy	[Coming for him.] Come on, we're taking you back to the hospital.
	Randy drags him off.
Stan	Don't you guys feel like brushing your teeth first?
Randy	What?
Stan	You know, freshen up your breath.
Kyle	Aw, man. [Tottering, eyes half shut.] I don't feel so good.
Sheila	[Pleased.] Oh good, maybe you finally caught the chicken--
Kyle	Ugh...
	Kyle falls back, passing out.
Sheila	Kyle!!
	Hell's Pass Hospital. All four boys are now in recovery.
Dr. Doctor	Well, I hope you boys learned your lesson. Going out and playing around with chickenpox almost killed you all.
Kyle	We're sorry.
Dr. Doctor	Well just be thankful we got you here in time. Your parents are here to see you, I'll send them in.
Kyle	This itches! Give me some of that calamine lotion, Cartman.
Cartman	Hell no, you guys get your own!
	The parents enter, they all have herpes sores on their faces, well except Liane for some reason...
Sharon	Stanley, how are you feeling today, son?
Stan	Pretty good.
Sharon	[Cheerfully.] The doctor says that maybe you can go home tomorrow.
Randy	Yeah. Isn't that great, Stanley?
Stan	Wow, coo-hul!
Sheila	And how are you, Kyle?
Gerald	Are you doing okay?
Kyle	I'm better now.
	He and Stan start laughing.
Sharon	What's so funny, you two?
Kyle	We gave you guys herpes.
Sheila	What-what-whaaat?! You did this?!
Stan	We got you back for getting us sick. We had a prostitute use your toothbrushes and stuff.
Randy	I can't believe you gave us herpes. You little rascals!
Sharon	[To Randy.] Well, I guess it serves us right. [To the boys.] Kids, we should have honest about wanting you to get chickenpox.
Sheila	It's true. We were wrong for deceiving you about it.
	Liane walks over to Cartman.
Cartman	Hey, how come you don't have sores on your lips, Ma?
Liane	Ooh, I have them somewhere else, poopiekins.
Cartman	Hooray!
Gerald	And, uh Stuart, I think I owe you an apology. I realize that I shouldn't be so cold towards people that are less fortunate than me.
Stuart	Aww hell, I'm sorry, too.
	Terrance and Phillip is on. The anal transplant surgery was a success.
Terrance	Oh, Phillip, I'm so glad everything turned out for the better.
	He farts high and laughs.
Cartman	Well, I know one thing for sure.
Liane	What's that, Eric?
Cartman	We're all gonna need a lot more calamine lotion.
	All the boys start laughing, then the parents join in. The doctor stands by Kenny and doesn't laugh. Kenny laughs, but drops dead. The meter flatlines and a long, steady note is heard. All stop laughing.
Stan	Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle	You bastards!
	Stan laughs, then Kyle, then everyone else, including Kenny's parents. End of Chickenpox. "I'm A Believer" plays.
End of Chickenpox