Chickenpox/Script

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The official script for "Chickenpox" was released by South Park Studios. It is located [[Media:{{{e}}}.pdf|here]]!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Shelly Marsh
• Randy Marsh
• Sharon Marsh
• Gerald Broflovski
• Sheila Broflovski
• Ike Broflovski
• Liane Cartman
• Stuart McCormick
• Kevin McCormick
• Mrs. McCormick
• Mr. Garrison
• Dr. Doctor
• Terrance and Phillip
• Chef
• Frida, the aged Prostitute

Script

Chickenpox
	Hell's Pass Hospital. Sharon and Dr. Doctor stand before Shelly's bed.
Dr. Doctor	It's a good thing we got her to the hospital in time.
Sharon	But what's wrong with her?
Dr. Doctor	It's chickenpox. There seems to be a small epidemic going around. Your daughter never had the chickenpox as a little child, I take it?
Sharon	No, no, she's been perfectly healthy.
Dr. Doctor	Well, that's the problem. You see, chickenpox is a pretty normal thing for young children, but as you get older it becomes a more and more ferocious disease.
	The door opens and Stan enters.
Sharon	[Sweetly.] Shelly, look who's come to visit you; your little brother, Stan.
Shelly	[In disgust.] Oh, whoo-peee!
Dr. Doctor	You know, most people don't realize that chickenpox is actually a form of herpes.
Stan	Dude, you've got herpes on your face!
Shelly	Shut up, brat!
Sharon	[With some urgency.] Will my daughter be okay?
Dr. Doctor	She'll be fine.
Shelly	[Stan scratches her cheek.] Stop it!
Dr. Doctor	We just want to be cautious and monitor her here.
	A crash is heard, and Sharon and Dr. Doctor look on in surprise.
Stan	Ow!
	Shelly has knocked Stan to the floor.
Sharon	Come on, Stanley. Give your sister a kiss and then we have to go.
	The Broflovski house. Sharon, Sheila, and Liane are seated at the dining room table. Ike is playing in his high chair.
Sharon	...and then the doctor said that it's much worse as you get older. My daughter is in pretty bad shape now, but if she were in her twenties, she could die.
Sheila	My God, I never knew chickenpox was such a dangerous illness.
Liane	I guess it's much better to get it when you're young.
Sharon	So tell me if I'm crazy, but I started thinking that we should intentionally have our boys play with a child who has the chickenpox. Let them get it now, while they're young.
Sheila	That's not crazy at all, Sharon. Mothers do it all the time.
Liane	Oh, yes. When I was a child, my mother had me go over to a little girl's house who had the chickenpox, just so I would get it.
Sharon	So it's not such a crazy idea after all?
Sheila	Noo, no. And I'm pretty sure that strange little boy Kenny has the chickenpox right now.
	Kyle, Stan, and Cartman walk up to the table.
Kyle	Are you guys having a meeting or something?
Sheila	How would you boys like to have a little slumber party at your friend Kenny's house tonight?
Cartman	No way, dude. Kenny's family's poor; they live in the ghetto.
Kyle	Yeah. Let's just have a slumber party here.
Sharon	Boys, you're going to sleep over at Kenny's, and that's final.
Cartman	Oh weak!
	The boys have gone home to gather their things. Now they meet up and walk to Kenny's house.
Kyle	I wonder why our moms want us to sleep over at Kenny's so bad.
Stan	Yeah, it's pretty weird.
	The boys cross some railroad tracks.
Kyle	Well, all I can say is, he's better have Nintendo.
	They come upon a house with an orange cat and a small gray dog milling around. Strewn about the yard are a motor, a sofa, a refrigerator, a pack of beer bottles...
Kyle	Well, here's Kenny's house.
Cartman	In the ghetto On a cold and gray Chicago morn Another little baby child is born In the ghetto... In the ghetto
	Stan knocks on the door and Stuart McCormick answers, beer in hand.
Stuart	Yeah?
Stan	We're here to have a slumber party with Kenny.
Stuart	What? Don't you know Kenny's sick with--?
Mrs. McCormick	[Intruding.] That's the whole point, remember? Their moms want them to catch it while they're young.
Stuart	Oh yeah.
Stan	Catch what?
Mrs. McCormick	Nothin'. Uhco-uh, come on in, I was jus' makin' dinner.
	The boys follow the parents in. Shag carpeting, another sofa, an engine block doubling as a coffee table, a beer sign...
Cartman	And his momma cried 'Cause if there's one thing that she don't need Is another little hungry mouth to feed In the ghetto In the ghetto
	Stuart sits in his armchair.
Stan	Sshh! Cartman!
Cartman	What?
Mrs. McCormick	[Setting the table.] Kenny, your little friends are here! Come play with them!
Kenny	(No, Mom, I'm seriously sick!)
Mrs. McCormick	I know you're sick! Now get your buns out here!
Kyle	Heheheh, buns.
Kenny	[Walks up to the other boys.] (Hey you guys, what's goin' on?)
Stan	Whoa, dude! You've got herpes on your face, too!
Cartman	[Scanning the room.] Where is the Nintendo?
Stuart	We don't have a Nintendo. We got a ColecoVision hooked up to the black-and-white TV.
	Rats scurry near the TV.
Kyle	Oh my God. This is like a third-world country.
Mrs. McCormick	[Now finished setting table.] Throw your sleeping bags in Kenny's room and then come grab some dinner.
Cartman	Oh, good. I'm starving.
	The boys are seated, as are Kenny's parents. Kenny's older brother comes to table. All there is to eat is a plate of 5 or 6 frozen waffles and a toaster to toast them in. The boys can only wonder.
Mrs. McCormick	Let's say grace.
	The boys put their hands together.
Stuart	Lord, we thank you for this staggering payload of frozen waffles you have bestowed upon us. And since we have been faithful to you, we know that you will send us some good fortune one of these days, even though you sure as hell seem to be taking your sweet time. Amen.
All	Amen.
Cartman	Pfff..!
Mrs. McCormick	Okay, let's dig in.
	She drops a waffle into the toaster.
Kevin	That one's mine, that one's mine!
Cartman	[Coolly.] What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying this evening with our frozen waffles?
	Everyone stops and waits.
Cartman	Am I to understand there will be no side dishes?
Stuart	So, Kyle, your dad's still bringing home those big, fat lawyer paychecks?
Kyle	I don't know.
Mrs. McCormick	Stuart, don't even get started!
	She points at him.
Stuart	[To his wife.] What? I'm just askin' a question. [To Kyle.] You know, your dad and I used to be best friends when we were teenagers. We would work together at Pizza Shack. But he got promoted and went off to community college and I didn't. And you know why? 'Cause your dad's Jewish!
Cartman	Puh! I heard that.
Mrs. McCormick	That ain't why, Stuart! [Sadness creeps into her voice.] It's because you are an alcoholic retard and he had dreams of not eating frozen waffles for dinner every night!
Stuart	Hey, is it my fault you don't know how to cook?!
Mrs. McCormick	What am I supposed to do with frozen waffles, clamhead?! You put 'em in the toaster and you cook 'em!
Stuart	You just don't know how to use spices and stuff.
Kevin	[Gleefully.] My waffle's d-hun, my waffle's d-hu-hun!
Mrs. McCormick	Now Kevin, we ain't got enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother.
Cartman	Oh, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?
Stuart	Hey! We don't say "fuck" at the table, you little asshole!
Cartman	[Hushed.] Heh, we apparently don't say 'side dishes' at the table, either.
Kenny	(Aa-choo!)
Mrs. McCormick	Kenny, honey, if you're going to sneeze, sneeze on them.
Stan	Huh?
Kenny	[Turning towards Cartman.] (Waa-choo!)
Cartman	[Recoiling.] Ey!
	Cartman closes both his eyes, but then opens the right one. Later, in Kenny's room. Kenny has two posters of bikini-clad women and one of a 4X4 monster truck. His curtains are tatters and his dresser drawer is a battered suitcase. His bed has no frame to rest on.
Cartman	Man, your family sucks ass, Kenny. Whoever heard of frozen waffles for dinner?
Kyle	Come on! Let's just get in our sleeping bags and get this night over with.
	The boys go to their respective sleeping bags while Kenny goes to his bed. The boys roll down their bags and Stan and Kyle have Terrance and Phillip sleeping bags, Cartman however...
Kyle	Cartman, what the hell is that?
Cartman	It's my Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it coool?
Kyle	No, it's not cool!
Stan	Dude, I think I just saw a rat!
Cartman	Argh! You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?!
Kenny	(Uh-huh.)
Cartman	Dude, seriously, you'd better stop being so poor, or else I'm gonna start huckin' rocks atcha.
Stan	I don't think it's very healthy to sleep with rats.
Kenny	(Well, there's gonna be a bunch of rats until they put the freakin' ceiling in.)
Stan	Oh.
	The boys settle in, and Kenny claps twice. The lights go out.
Kenny	(Aa-choo!)
	The next day. The boys have gone back home. First up: Stan's house. Stan has a thermometer in his mouth and his skin is starting to break out.
Sharon	Okay, lemme see.
	She withdraws the thermometer, and reads it.
Sharon	Oh, goody! You've got a fever!
Stan	[Mad.] Goody? What do you mean, "goody"?!
Sharon	Yyup, it looks like you've got chickenpox alright.
Stan	Chickenpo--? Oh no, I must have caught it from Kenny last night.
Sharon	Oh, gee, I guess you did.
Stan	Well, you sure seem happy about it!
Sharon	All right, it's off to bed with you, young man.
	Cartman's house. Cartman is on the sofa scratching at his skin.
Liane	Don't scratch it, hon.
Cartman	[Whining.] But mom, seriously, it itches. I can't stand it!
Liane	No, hon.
Cartman	[Whining.] Mom, seriously, it itches. It itches!
Liane	Here, I got you some calamine lotion.
	She hands the bottle to him.
Cartman	I don't wanna.
Liane	It'll make your itches go away.
	She opens the bottle and rubs some lotion on his face.
Cartman	Ugh. Uunnh.
	She stops.
Cartman	Ey, give me that!
	He takes the bottle and rubs some more lotion on his face.
Cartman	Ahhhh...
Liane	Not too much, hon. It says on the bottle that too much can be bad.
Cartman	More calamine lotion!
	Kyle's house. His parents look him over.
Sheila	I don't understand it. He's perfectly healthy.
Kyle	Yeah. I feel great!
Sheila	Are you sure you stayed over at Kenny's house?
Kyle	Yeah, dude. I told you, we had bread sandwiches for breakfast.
Sheila	Did you sleep in the same room?
Kyle	Yes. Why?
Sheila	Bubbe, how would you like to spend the night at your friend Kenny's house again?
Kyle	No way, dude! It sucked ass! They don't even have cable!
Sheila	Well I think you need to spend more time with your friends.
Kyle	Kenny's not really my friend, Ma. I don't give a rat's ass about him.
Sheila	I'm gonna give Mrs. McCormick a call.
Kyle	Aawwww! Hey Dad. Is it true that you and Kenny's dad used to be best friends when you were young?
Gerald	Who? Stuart? Yeah, yeah, I guess we were.
Kyle	Well how come Kenny's family eats frozen waffles for dinner and has rats on the floor, and we have a big house and lots of food?
Gerald	Well, because Kenny's family doesn't have as much money as we do.
Kyle	But why? If they're hungry and poor, why don't we just always give them half of our food?
Gerald	Ha ha ha ha ha! Ooh-ho boy, have you got a lot to learn! Sit down, son.
	Gerald sits and motions for Kyle to sit on his lap.
Gerald	You see, Kyle, we humans work as a society, and in order for a society to thrive, we need gods, and clods.
Kyle	Gods and clods?
Gerald	Yes. You see, I spent a lot of time going to law school, and I was able to go because I have a slightly higher intellect than others. But I still need people to pump my gas, and make my French fries, and fix my laundry machine when it breaks down.
Kyle	Oooohh, I see. Gods and clods!
Gerald	That's right. So Kenny's family is happy just the way they are, and we're all a functioning part of America.
	Stan's house, night time. Stan is in bed, motionless.
Sharon	[Enters.] Stanley, can I get you anything else?
	She draws closer and feels his forehead.
Sharon	Stanley? Oh my God! Randy?! Randy, hurry, he's burning up!
	Next day, Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan now lies next to Shelly. Their parents are also present.
Sharon	Don't you worry, Stanley, you're going to be okay.
Dr. Doctor	[Entering.] Can I talk to you outside?
Sharon	Kids, Daddy and I are gonna be right back, okay?
Stan	Okay.
Shelly	[Now that they're alone.] Serves you right, you little brat!
Stan	Well at least I'm not gonna die from it like you might! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Shelly	If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!
TV Voice	["Passion Cramps"] Will Carol find out she's a fa...
Stan	I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch Terrance and Phillip!
Shelly	[Threatening] We're watching this!
Stan	Well I've got the remote, bitch! Hahaha. [Click.]
Phillip	Say, Terrance? Will you check my ass for abnormalities?
	Phillip raises his leg high.
Terrance	Sure thing, Phillip.
	Terrance sticks his head in there, and Phillip farts on him.
Terrance	Ah ha ha ha, you got me again!
	Stan laughs.
Phillip	That's tomfoolery.
	Stan laughs, as do Terrance and Phillip.
Shelly	Give me the remote!
Stan	No way, dude! We're gonna watch Terrance and Phillip all day--
	She reaches over to his bed, presses a switch, and his bed folds in on him.
Stan	Ey! Get me out of here!
	Shelly takes the remote and switches channels.
TV Voice	["Passion Cramps"] She was...
	Meanwhile, outside the room.
Dr. Doctor	He'll be okay, but it's a good idea for us to monitor him for a while.
Sharon	[Anxious.] Oh God, what have we done?
Dr. Doctor	There there now, it's not your fault.
Randy	Doctor, we-uuuh purposefully sent our son to stay with a friend who had chickenpox so that he would get it early.
Dr. Doctor	Oh, wow, you did? Wow. You guys suck.
	Kenny's house. Kyle and his mom are visiting. She's talking with Mrs. McCormick in the dining room. Kenny and Kyle enter.
Kyle	Could we go home now, Ma?
Sheila	No, bubbeleh. You play with Kenny some more.
Kyle	But we've been playing for eight hours. We can't think of anything else to do.
Sheila	I've got a great game for you. It's called "ookie mouth".
Kyle	What's "ookie mouth"?
Sheila	First, you let Kenny spit in your mouth. Then you try to swallow his spit and say "ookie mouth" at the same time.
Kyle	Sick, dude!
Sheila	No, no, bubbe, it's loads of fun. Try it.
	Kenny and Kyle look at each other and walk away.
Shiela	That ought to take care of it.
Mrs. McCormick	You want some more hot water?
Sheila	Oh, no thank you. It's terrific though, it's-- You don't have any tea bags or coffee grounds to go in the hot water, do you?
Mrs. McCormick	Naw, we don't go for that hoity-toity rich folk stuff.
Sheila	I see. Well, you certainly have aab- humble home, Mrs. McCormick.
Mrs. McCormick	Yehah, well, unfortunately my husband is a washed-up hunk of shit!
Sheila	Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Kyle	Ookie mouth! [Kenny spits in.] Gross! I can't do it, Ma!
Sheila	Try again, bubbe!
	Kenny spits in Kyle's mouth again.
Kyle	Argh!
Sheila	You know, your husband and mine used to work together as teenagers.
Mrs. McCormick	Oh they wuz best friends; you couldn't separate 'em.
Sheila	Really? I met Gerald in college, so I didn't know. What happened to them?
Mrs. McCormick	Oh they jus' grew apart, I guess. I think Stuart's a little jealous that your husband got out of makin' pizzas and went on to make somethin' of hisself.
Sheila	Well that's too bad. I'm sure your husband's a fine man.
Mrs. McCormick	Oh, hell no! He's a nugget o' deer turd.
Sheila	But if they were such good friends it seems silly that they don't even talk anymore. Let's get them together!
Mrs. McCormick	Uh-I don't know.
Sheila	We'll just arrange a little fishing trip for them or something.
	Kyle returns with Kenny.
Kyle	I can't say "ookie mouth" and have Kenny spit down my throat at the same time. It's impossible.
	Kyle's face and hat are covered in spit.
Sheila	Practice makes perfect, bubbe.
	Cartman's house. Cartman's on the sofa watching TV, scratching his face.
Cartman	Dammit, where's that calamine lotion?!
Terrance	[With clipboard.] Phillip, I've got good news, and bad news.
Phillip	Give it to me straight, Terrance.
Terrance	The good news is, you have a clean bill of health.
Phillip	Oh, what a relief!
Terrance	The bad news is, you have cancer.
	Cartman is shocked.
Phillip	Cancer?
Terrance	Yes. I'm afraid your ass is collapsing.
Phillip	My ass is collapsing?
Terrance	Yes. See this X-ray? [Turns it on.] That's your ass. See this line? [Points to it.] That's your ass collapsing. Your ass is collapsing.
Phillip	Will this mean that I won't be able to fart anymore?
Terrance	No, it means that you won't be able to live anymore.
	They both laugh.
Cartman	[Somber.] Oh, no. [The itching returns.] Damnit!
	Mr. Kitty strolls by.
Cartman	No, Kitty! That's a-- Wait a minute. Come 'ere, Kitty!
	Kitty jumps up and Cartman uses him as a scrubber.
Cartman	Uh. Yes. Uh...
Liane	[Closing a door.] I'm back, hon. I got some more calamine lotion.
Cartman	[Releases Mr. Kitty.] It's about friggin' time! Give me that!
	He grabs the bag and hurries up the stairs.
Liane	Just use a little bit of that stuff, hon. It has to last a while.
	Cartman reaches the bathroom and closes the door. Then he opens the bag and pulls out six bottles of the lotion and pours them into the tub. Then he undresses and jumps into the tub.
Cartman	Uugh! Yeessss. [His voice trails off.] Ooohhh yyou guys, seriiously, it calms yer ass. Ahhhh...
	He sinks into the water blissfully as bubbles pop around him. Meanwhile, Gerald and Stuart are driving to the river for a fishing trip.
Stuart	I didn't know you like to fish, Gerry.
Gerald	Oh, yeah, love it! I haven't done it for a while, though. I had to go out and buy a few things, you know a-. A rod and a reel and an uh, uuh...
Stuart	Tackle box?
Gerald	Yeah, tackle box. [Stretches.] Man, smell that mountain air. What a great Saturday morning; aren't weekends just the best?
Stuart	When you're uh-unemployed, weekends are meaningless.
Gerald	Right. Right-right.
	Monday afternoon, South Park Elementary. The dismissal bell rings.
Mr. Garrison	And so, children, that's how you tell a prostitute from a policeman. Now, are there any questions?
	Kyle raises his hand.
Mr. Garrison	Yes, Kyle?
Kyle	What the hell does that have to do with American history?
Mr. Garrison	Uh, that's a good question, Kyle. Are there any other questions?
Kyle	Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here. Everyone else has chicken herpes.
Mr. Garrison	Right, right. Uhh... Well, class, I'm going to assign you all a paper. The theme of the paper will be, "How I would make America better."
Kyle	What?! Does everybody have to do it, or just me?
Mr. Garrison	Uh, don't worry, Kyle. I'm sending homework to all the children who are out sick. They'll have to turn in a paper, too.
	Hell's Pass Hospital.
Stan	Homework?! But I'm in the hospital!
Sharon	Well, your teacher sent this stuff over for you to do while you're sick.
Stan	That son of a bitch! What kind of sick weirdo is he?
Sharon	Now, Stanley, I know at your age teachers can seem cold and heartless, but later, you'll understand that he did this for your own good.
Stan	Not Mr. Garrison, Ma. He really is a sick weirdo.
Randy	Yeah, it's-it's true, he is.
Sharon	Oh. Well, anyway, here's a pencil and some paper.
Stan	Wait! Where are you going?
Randy	We're going down to-uhh Happy Burger for some milkshakes.
Stan	Milkshakes?!
Sharon	Yeah, and then we're going to the movies.
Randy	See ya, son. [They leave.]
Stan	Weak!
	Kyle's house. Kyle is on the sofa working on his paper.
Kyle	white"
	Kyle puts down the pen and paper and walks over to the kitchen.
Sheila	No I don't understand it, Dr. Schwartz, he's perfectly healthy.
	Sheila is on the phone, Kyle is over by the microwave.
Sheila	He's been over at Kenny's house three days in a row and still hasn't caught the chickenpox.
Kyle	[Softly.] What?
Sheila	I don't know what else to do. We sent the other boys over and they all got sick, but I can't get my little Kyle to catch it.
Kyle	[Frightened.] Oh my God!
Sheila	[Turns.] Kyle, what are you doing there, honey?
Kyle	[Angry.] You!
Sheila	[Subdued.] I'll call you back, Dr. Schwartz.
	She hangs up.
Kyle	You!
Sheila	[Walks over.] What, bubbeleh, what is it?
Kyle	You sent us over to Kenny's house on purpose! You wanted us to get sick!
Sheila	Oy. It was for your own good, Kyle. I wanted you to get chickenpox while you were young.
Kyle	Why?! So I could be sitting in the hospital waiting to die, like Stan?!
Sheila	Now, Kyle, come here.
Kyle	You get away from me, you crazy woman!
	He runs off.
Sheila	Hoh boy.
	Down by the riverside. Stuart and Gerald are fishing.
End of Chickenpox