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"Cherokee Hair Tampons"
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Episode no. Season 4
Episode 6
Guest stars Cheech Marin
Tommy Chong
Production no. 407
Original airdate June 28, 2000
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"Cherokee Hair Tampons" is the sixth episode of Season Four, and the 54th overall episode of South Park. It aired on June 28, 2000.[1]


Kyle needs a kidney transplant and Cartman is discovered to be the perfect donor. Cartman gladly offers his kidney to Kyle—for the price of $10 million dollars.[1]    


SPW pic -- Spoiler Spoiler warning!
Plot details follow.

A substitute teacher has come to class after Mr. Garrison is fired for having charges against him soliciting sex from a minor. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny jerk around with him, each one pretending to be the other. Cartman laughs so hard after this that he squirts milk out of his nose when he laughs too hard, even when he is not drinking any. Kyle is not there because he is suffering from kidney failure, and the teacher gives the class an assignment to make Kyle a get-well card (Butters ends up becoming that card).

Stan visits Kyle to bring Butters so he can sing his get-well song. As Stan, who thought Kyle was just faking illness to get out of class, realises that is friend is genuinely ill, Kyle's mother, Sheila quietly tells Stan's mother, Sharon, about the situation. Kyle has always had diabetes and according to the doctor his kidneys are now failing. They have told Sheila that Kyle needs surgery but Shelia is fearful of such extreme measures. Sharon suggests that Sheila try the New Age healing to cure Kyle. They go to the store of "Miss Information", the new mystical woman in town, who tells them that Kyle's illness is being caused by "mysterious toxins" in his system. She then prescribes a series of herbal medicines to help him.

Though they actually make his condition even worse off, she convinces the customers that they are gradually healing him in a non-immediately apparent way. Soon the whole town becomes enamored with her remedies and buys such nostrums as "Cherokee hair tampons" from two supposed Native Americans (played by and modeled after guest stars Cheech and Chong). Later, when they are seen, they look more Mexican than they do Native Americans.

In the subplot, Mr. Garrison, after having been fired from the school, takes up a new career as a romance novelist. He writes a novel entitled The Valley of Penises, and goes to "Harequin Romance" (a takeoff of Harlequin Romance) to get it published. It turns out that the book uses the word "penis" 6,083 times, making it one of the gayest books ever written - to Mr. Garrison's chagrin. However, he manages to persuade the publisher that his target audience is women, and it is only natural that they would be interested in descriptions of penises (as opposed to female anatomy), securing himself a publishing deal.

Stan, not trusting Miss Information and her medicines, goes to Dr. Doctor to inquire over the matter. The doctor confirms his worst fears, telling Stan that Kyle's only hope now is a kidney transplant. Unless somebody with an AB negative blood type donates one of their kidneys to him, Kyle will die. Stan immediately offers his kidney but then is told that the only compatible donor available in South Park is Eric Cartman. Stan tries to convince Cartman to donate one of his kidneys to Kyle, Eric though demands ten million dollars for it. At night Stan, Kenny, Butters, and Timmy sneak into Cartman's house, attempting to remove Cartman's kidney themselves. Inside they sneak past Fluffy, who wakes up after Butters accidentally steps on her tail. Cartman, hearing Fluffy's squeals, hits Fluffy to make her shut up, then goes back to bed without noticing the others. It turns out to be a futile effort, as Cartman, not taking any chances, is wearing a "Kidney Blocker 2000".

The following day, Sheila brings Kyle to the “Native Americans" for a "personal appointment" thinking that they can fix him. Kyle himself is at deaths door due to Miss Information's ineffective treatments. He cannot stand, let alone walk, is very thin and barely seems to register what is going on around him. As such Sheila has to drag him to the "appointment". However, after taking just one look at the boy, the Miss Informations assistants tell Sheila she needs to take Kyle to a doctor, immediately. This statement confuses the customers with Mrs. Broflovski reminding the pair that they are supposedly more "in touch with the Earth" and Sharon assuring the "Native Americans" that they trust in them knowing what they are doing.

Seeing this, the men's conscience gets the better of them and, not wanting to see an innocent boy to die because of them, they confess everything. They reveal that they are not actually Native Americans, but Mexicans. This earns them a reprimand from Sharon, but the pair manage to avoid further trouble by pointing out that they were simply following orders from Miss Information. She told them to lie to improve the sales of her medicine because in her words "nobody would buy anything from Mexicans". Upon hearing this, the citizens of South Park realise that Miss Information is nothing than a thieving con-artist. Enraged at this revelation, they promptly surround Miss Information and beat her to death.

Hearing everything, Stan asks Sheila if they can now take Kyle to the hospital. Mrs. Broflovski agrees to do so immediately, but that it won't do her son any good because they still don't have a kidney for him. Stan tells her not to worry, however, saying that he already knows how to get one.

The next morning, Cartman is horrified to find his Kidney Blocker 2000 removed and a thick red liquid all over his bed sheets. Storming over to Stan's house, he demands the immediate return of his kidney. Stan pleads with Cartman to reconsider for Kyle's sake, but Cartman refuses and threatens further action causing Stan to relent. Kidney in hand, Cartman marches to the hospital and orders Dr. Doctor to immediately put the kidney back into his own body. After trying and failing to convince Cartman one last time to become a hero, the doctor agrees to Cartman's request. but asks him to sign a release beforehand, which Cartman does.

Later, Kyle and Cartman are recovering in the same ward. Kyle, now surrounded by his family and well-wishers, is back to his usual self. Mr. Garrison even pops by to gift Kyle a copy of his newly published novel. As Cartman regains conciousness, Stan gleefully reveals that Cartman ended up saving Kyle's life after all. It turns out that Liane Cartman was the one who opened the kidney blocker and that the red liquid in Cartman's bed was ketchup put there by Stan who knew that Cartman (being an idiot) would automatically assume that they had removed his kidney. This was all part of an elaborate ruse to get Cartman to come down to the hospital and sign the release form, which permitted Kyle to legally take his kidney.

Cartman is furious at being tricked into giving up his kidney (especially since it was used to save Kyle's life). However, when Stan and Kyle laugh at Cartman's expense, Kyle squirts milk from his nose like Cartman did earlier. This satisfies Cartman, who states "Oh, good. You got the crappy kidney".


  407: "Cherokee Hair Tampons" edit
Story Elements

Miss InformationThe Valley of PenisesCheech and Chong • "Don't Die On Us"


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