Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls/Script

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The official script for "Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls" was released by South Park Studios. It is located [[Media:{{{e}}}.pdf|here]]!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Chef
• Mr. Hankey
• Robert Redford, Film Commissioner
• Phyllis
• Mr. Garrison and Mr. Twig
• Wendy Testaburger
• Various Directors (Director 3 is called Marty)
• Fred Savage
• Candice Butch
• Tom, reporter
• Tom Hanks
• A monkey playing Mr. Hankey
• Two Cowboys, one of them called Tom

Script

Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls
	Sundance Film Festival. A small Western town. Bustling sounds are heard as the camera slowly pans down. A crowd streams by in the background behind a sports car and limo, and front and center are Robert Redford and a woman.
Robert Redford	Why do we hold the Sundance Film Festival here, Phyllis? It's so painfully crowded.
Phyllis	Because. People from L.A. love to come to a quaint little mountain town for a few days, and this gives them an excuse.
Robert Redford	No, this used to be a quaint little mountain town. Now look at it. Sushi restaurants, upscale clothes stores, $25 parking, Liam Neeson... I tell you, Phyllis, I think we've tapped this town's resources out. We must move the festival to another small mountain town and begin again.
Phyllis	That's not a bad idea. But where?
	South Park. Winter is indeed back. A man hums as he arrives at the town flag pole with a purple flag and runs it up to the top. It unfurls, revealing: 1st Annual South Park Film Festival. A crowd instantly pours in and mills about.
Man in background	Ching ching cha-ching.
Man in foreground	Whoa.
	South Park Elementary.
Mr. Garrison	Okay, children. I have some very exciting news for you... Oo-why don't you tell them, Mr. Twig?
Mr. Twig	That's right, Mr. Garrison. The First Annual South Park Film Festival begins today.
Wendy	Wow! Cool!
Kyle	They're not gonna show that stupid-ass Godzilla movie again, are they?
Mr. Garrison	Nono, Kyle. These are independent films.
Stan	Hoohh, like Independence Day? That sucked ass, too.
Cartman	No, dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
Wendy	No they're not! Independent films are produced outside the Hollywood system. They're movies about all the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.
Cartman	Byeh, sure. Well, you show me one independent film that isn't about gay cowboys eating pudding!
Wendy	Once again, you have no idea what you're talking about, fatass!
Cartman	I'm not fat! I just haven't grown into my body yet, skinny bitch!
Wendy	Hrmph!
Mr. Garrison	Eric, if you call Wendy a bitch one more time, I'm sending you to the principal's office!
	Cartman looks around for a second.
Cartman	...bitch.
Mr. Garrison	That's it Eric, you-!
Cartman	I'm going!
	He hops off his chair and walks out, closing the door behind him.
Mr. Garrison	Anyway, children, I want you all to see at least one independent film at the festival and then write a paper about it.
	The class groans.
Mr. Garrison	The first film showing is called Witness To Denial, and it's a sexual exploration piece about two women in love.
Stan	Oh, my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies in his dresser drawer.
	There's certainly a lot of people now. Two of them are talking on cell phones.
Director 1	Norma, I want to shoot the script next month with Demi Moore instead.
Director 2	[In shorts!] Well you can tell Spielberg he can kiss my ass!
Mayor McDaniels	[Walking about with one of her aides.] Wow, look at this, Johnson. Traffic jams at every intersection, hoards of people pushing their way through the crowd. It's almost like we're a real city.
	After school and the kids are out in the town.
Cartman	I can't believe I got sent to the principal's office because of your stupid girlfriend!
Stan	She's not my girlfriend.
Kenny	(Yeah, that's because you vomit on her all the time.)
	Cartman and Kyle laugh.
Kyle	Sick, Kenny.
Stan	Damn, dude. Look at all these people.
Director 3	[Rushing by with a cell phone.] I'm late for a screening, I'll call you from the theater.
Kyle	All this for a bunch of stupid movies?
	They come upon a stand that says CHEF'S SOUL FOOD
Chef	Hello there, children!
The boys	Hey, Chef.
Stan	Whatcha doin'?
Chef	Children, this whole film festival thing has quite lucrative monetary possibilities. Now I'm gonna sell some of my famous cookies, to these Hollywood types, and make a mint!
Cartman	What kind of cookies?
Stan	Calm down, tubby.
Chef	They're little cookies, with fudge in the middle. And I call them, "Fudge 'Ems".
	Chef pulls out a box with that name on them.
Cartman	I wanna Fudge 'Em.
Chef	I can just see the commercial now. "Wife got you down? Boss makin' you angry? Kids yellin' atcha? Well, Fudge 'Ems."
Kyle	Cool!
Chef	And I've also got my double chocolate cookies, "Fudge This."
Director 3	[Passing by with his date.] Oh look, one of the natives is selling local food wares... how quaint.
Woman	This is why I come to these things, to get away from L.A. and become one with the more simple culture.
Chef	Well, perhaps you'd like to try my low-calorie cookies, "Go Fudge Yourself," or my all-natural, "I Don't Really Give A Flying Fudge."
Woman	Ooh, do you have any tofu or steamed celery?
Chef	Huh?
Director 3	I would kill for some cous cous right now.
Chef	Whose goose?
Woman	Uuuuh, never mind. We brought some food from the Natural Market in L.A.
Director 3	Cute sign, though.
	The couple leaves, and Chef looks confused. Wendy walks up.
Wendy	Stan, I have two tickets for the opening film of the festival. Would you like to come with me?
Cartman	[Taunting.] Stan, nunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh hunh. Tunh tunh tunh tunh tinh teenh?
Stan	Shut up, Cartman! [To Wendy.] Sure, dude. I mean, since we have to write a paper on a film anyway. [They walk away.]
Cartman	She'll be the death of him, Kyle. Mark my words: she'll be the death of him.
Kyle	If she holds his hand in that theater it'll be all over.
Chef	Get 'em while they're hot! My all new cookies! "I Just Went And Fudged Your Momma!"
Cartman	[To Kyle.] Jesus, he sure ran that one into the ground.
	At the Bijou, South Park's movie theater. Now playing: Witness To Denial. Stan sits in the front row with Wendy.
Stan	When's this thing start? I hope there are some good previews.
Wendy	Stan, film festival movies usually don't have previews before them.
Stan	They what?!
	The projectionist starts the film. Only the right half of a woman is shown in close-up. The sound is overmodulated.
Candice	Who are you to judge my womanly soul?
	Her girlfriend appears far in the background.
Candice	The Goddess flames that burn in my memory aren't dark. Dare you call them dark!
	They switch places. The girlfriend's left side appears in close-up.
Candice	Here lies the Goddess truth of my body.
Stan	[With soda and popcorn.] Oh, brother.
Candice	The Goddess that cries, "Freedom!"
	Her hands cover her mouth.
Candice	Here is the Goddess truth of my womanly being
	Stan puts his left hand on the arm rest. Wendy reaches for his soda and takes a sip. In a new scene, Candice is talking to her lover, who wears a Lilith Fare shirt.
Candice	You are my blossom, my flame. When we make love, it's like the sun is right outside the door.
Candice's Girlfriend	Then make love to me, right now
	The two of them embrace and drop out of view.
Stan	Dude!
Wendy	Sshh!
Stan	Dude!
	Kyle's house. He's in the restroom crapping away.
Kyle	I can see clearly now, the rain is gone I can see all obstacles in my way-
Sheila	[From the master bedroom.] Bubbeleh you need to get to bed! It's late!
Kyle	I'm poopies, ma!
Sheila	Well, hurry up!
Kyle	Gone are the dark clouds that had me-
Mr. Hankey	[Voice only, slowly, with echo.] Ky-yle! Ky-yle!
	Kyle looks down into the toilet.
Kyle	Could it be?
Mr. Hankey	[In his shrill voice.] Hooowwwdy ho!
	Kyle hops off and looks into the toilet. No poo is seen.
Kyle	Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey, is that you? Hello?
	Day two of the South Park Film Festival.
Tom	I'm here live in South Park, Colorado, where citizens from Los Angeles are arriving in droves for the town's first annual film festival. This is just a small quiet mountain community where nothing out of the ordinary ever really happens, [Softly.] except for the occasional complete destruction of the entire town [Normally.] and so the excitement level is naturally very high. Right now, the townspeople are anxiously awaiting the arrival of some of Hollywood's top celebrities.
	At the Bijou, the boys are watching "The Body Decayeth".
Kyle	It was him, dude. I told you, it was Mr. Hankey!
Cartman	Wait, I thought Mr. Hankey only came at Christmastime.
Kyle	Well, I'm sure it was him.
Man	Look, look! Here comes somebody!
	People come closer as a limousine pulls up. Someone steps out.
A woman	Move aside, I can't see.
Tom	Ladies and gentlemen, TV's Fred Savage.
	Fred Savage steps out of the limo wearing a shirt that says, 'I'm Fred Savage'.
Crowd	[In disappointment.] AAWWWW!
	Fred's head drops as the limo and crowd scurries away.
Tom	Well, I'm sure a real person will show up soon.
Kyle	So how was that movie last night, dude?
Stan	Aw, dude, you don't even wanna know!
Cartman	It had a bunch of gay cowboys eating pudding, huh?
Stan	Yeah, pretty much.
Cartman	Yeah!
Stan	The theater sucks, though. They need to get a bigger screen.
Kyle	Maybe they should project the movies on Cartman's ass.
	Stan and Kenny laugh.
Cartman	Ay!
Stan	Dude, now that'd be like IMAX.
	Kyle and Kenny laugh.
Cartman	Okay, that's enough fat-ass jokes for this week.
Kenny	(Cartman's ass is so fuckin' huge that they could probably show six stupid films on it and still have some room, heheheheheh.)
	Stan and Kyle laugh.
Cartman	Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home.
	Cartman looks around, but doesn't go anywhere.
Kyle	Well?
Cartman	I'm gonna, just give me a minute.
Robert Redford	This is perfect. Why didn't we think of it sooner? This town still has some charm left, not the mess we turned Park City into.
Phyllis	Forgive me for being observant, but, won't we just end up doing the same thing to this town?
Robert Redford	Yes. And the town after, and the town after that. Like termites, we will move this film festival from town to town until we have used it up. And then move on, until every quiet mountain town is like Los Angeles.
Phyllis	Why? Why would we do such a thing?
Robert Redford	Because we have to live in L.A. And if we can't live in quiet, simple, peaceful mountain towns, then nobody will!
	He laughs maniacally.
Robert Redford	Waitwaitwait. Zoom in to a close-up of my face when I do that. Ready? Then NOBODY will!
	The camera moves in as he laughs maniacally again.
Robert Redford	That's it.
	The kids pass by Chef's booth. Cartman is still with them. Now the booth says "Chef's Salty Balls"
Chef	Children! I'm glad you're here! I want you to check out my new confectioneries. I think they're going to sell right through the roof! I call them, "Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls."
	He brings out the cookie tray to show them. The boys say nothing.
Stan	Are they good?
Chef	Try 'em.
Stan	Hey, dude, these are good!
Cartman	Yeah, I love these Salty Chocolate Balls, Chef.
	Kenny laughs at Cartman's unintended double entendre.
Mr. Hankey	[From under the runoff grate.] Ky-yle!
Kyle	There it is again!
	Stan and Kyle have traded places.
Stan	There is what again?
	Kyle looks left.
Mr. Hankey	[Moaning.] Ky-yle!
Kyle	It's Mr. Hankey! I think he's in some kind of trouble.
	Mr. Hankey's theme song begins to play.
Stan	Dude, how do you tell if a piece of poo is in trouble?
Kyle	Where does that grill go?
Stan	To the sewer, dude.
Kyle	Of course, the sewer! That must be where he is. Come on!
	He walks off, but stops when no one follows.
Kyle	Come on!
	The boys have left, Chef starts to sing.
Chef	Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brown If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth Ooooo, suck on my cho-colate salty balls put 'em in your mouth Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em...
	The boys are now in the sewer with flashlights in hand. A rat clamors up a pipe and out of view. Spiderwebs are everywhere.
Cartman	Aw, man, smells like ass down here.
Kyle	Of course it smells like ass, retard. It's a sewer!
	A sound is heard and the boys quickly turn to look.
Stan	What was that?
	The beam of his flashlight lands on a rat.
Cartman	Aw, man, let's get out of here!
Kyle	We can't, dude. Not until we find Mr. Hankey.
	They look ahead, only to see something making splashes in the water.
The boys	Aaaaah!
Kenny	(Wait!)
	The figure rises and turns, only to reveal itself as a snorkeling human, Mr. Garrison, with him is Mr. Twig.
Kyle	What the hell?
	Mr. Garrison removes his mouthpiece.
Stan	Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison	Oh uh- hello, children.
Cartman	What are you doing down in the sewer with a bunch of snorkel stuff on?
Mr. Garrison	Oh I- I was just-uh hangin' out.
Kyle	In a sewer?
Mr. Garrison	Children, do you know how to file a police report?
The boys	No.
Mr. Garrison	Good. See you in school.
	He puts his mouthpiece back on and drops into the water. The boys are stunned, but walk forward.
Cartman	This is ridiculous! What the hell are we, the Goonies?
Kyle	Yeah, we're the Goonies, Cartman. Why don't you pretend like you're the fat kid?
Cartman	Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm home.
	Mr. Hankey
	The boys turn to see Mr. Hankey rowing in a paper fries tray.
Kyle	Mr. Hankey!
Mr. Hankey	Howdy-ho, boys.
Kyle	I told you guys he'd be here!
Mr. Hankey	Gosh, look at yuh. You're all growin' up sho fasht.
Cartman	[Displeased.] Hi, Mr. Hankey. Nice to see yuh.
Mr. Hankey	Have you all been brushing behind your teeth?
The boys	Yes.
Mr. Hankey	And usin' dental floss?
The boys	Yes.
Mr. Hankey	And washin' behind your ears?
The boys	Yes.
Cartman	No.
	Mr. Hankey coughs.
Kyle	What's the matter, Mr. Hankey? Are you sick?
Mr. Hankey	Oh, I just got a little cold is all. All these new people in South Park are stressful on my home.
Stan	What do you mean?
Mr. Hankey	Well, you see, boys, the sewer is a fragile ecosystem.
Cartman	[Incredulous.] Oh my God.
Mr. Hankey	These new folks in town eat nothin' but cous cous, tofu, and raw vegetables, and it's destroying my environment.
Kyle	And that's why you got a cold?
Mr. Hankey	That's why, Kyle. That's why.
Stan	Well, why don't you just ask them to leave?
Mr. Hankey	There's only one time of year I can come to the surface, and that's Christmastime. That's why I need you boys to go for me.
	He coughs some more.
Kyle	Don't worry, Mr. Hankey. We'll go tell everyone. Come on, guys.
	The boys move off.
Mr. Hankey	Don't forget to change your sheets once a week!
	Mr. Hankey rows away. Meanwhile, back at the festival... Playing at the Bijou: "A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding." Score another one for Cartman. Inside, the festival host stands before the movie audience.
Host	So without further ado we will begin this amazing film. It's a work of blood, sweat, and tears.
Kyle	[Rushing in.] Wait! Stop! Could I have your attention, please?
Director 4	Is that Leonardo DiCaprio?
	The audience buzzes and cameras flash everywhere, Kyle shields his eyes.
Kyle	Aaahh!
Director 4	Ohuh no, wait, that's not him.
	The audience groans.
Kyle	Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend, Mr. Hankey, is getting sick because South Park has become overcrowded with people who eat health food.
Female director	Excuse me, little boy, what's a "Mr. Hankey"?
Kyle	He's a talking piece of poo that lives in the sewer. But now he's getting sick because his egosystem is all out of whack because of all the extra poo in the sewer. If you don't all leave and go home soon, Mr. Hankey's gonna die. He's one of my best friends in the whole wide world, and I don't want him to die.
	No reaction from the audience.
Director 3	What a great story-it has everything!
Female director	This could be the next Free Willy.
Director 5	Great pic, son. How much do you want for it?
Kyle	Huh??
Director 6	Does it-uh have to be a talking piece of poo?
	The boys just stare.
Director 7	It could be a crime-fighting rabbit. Or a lovable turtle.
Director 4	This could be a great summer movie.
Female director 2	[Rising in the back.] Can we put a mon-key in it?
Director 8	"The Mr. Hankey Stor-" uh is Harrison Ford available for a fall pic?
Director 9	Keanu Reeves.
Director 10	Matt Damon!
Fred Savage	Fred Savage!
	The other audience members laugh at the thought, and Fred is miffed.
Director 7	I'd pay a million for this story!
Director 10	I'll pay two.
	The rest of the audience descends into conversation.
Kyle	Dude, no one even listened to me.
Stan	Well um, it does sound like a pretty sweet movie.
	One of the directors has pulled Cartman aside.
Director 3	Mmuh I take it you're part owner of this whole Mr. Hooey story, right?
Cartman	Huh? Uhuh, yeah, I guess.
Director 3	I want you to do a big-money deal with me.
Cartman	All of us?
Director 3	Mm-we-hell, I can see that you're the real brains of the group. You don't really need those guys, do you?
Cartman	Ye-ah, screw those guys. I don't even like them.
Director 3	Hm-that's great, kid. Let's make a deal.
	They walk off. Meanwhile, in front of the library. Robert Redford and Phyllis have something to announce. Of course, the Mayor and her aides are there.
Robert Redford	Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all for making the First Annual South Park Film Festival a success. We've barely even started and already the festival has seen more attendance than last year's Sundance festival.
	The crowd cheers.
Someone in the crowd	Fantastic!
Robert Redford	And I'm very pleased to announce that in honor of the South Park people who have welcomed us, we are going to build a Hollywood Planet restaurant, right here where this library used to stand.
	A wrecking ball appears and knocks the building down with one fell swoop.
Crowd	[Gasping.] Ooohhh!
Aide 2	Can they do that?
Mayor McDaniels	They're Hollywood! They can do anything!
	Kyle is in the sewer all alone, looking to tell Mr. Hankey the bad news. An organ is heard.
Kyle	Mr. Hankey!
	Kyle looks all around and walks.
Kyle	Mr. Hankey?!
	Kyle is surprised to see an organ before him, and Mr. Hankey playing vigorously.
Kyle	Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey	[Turns around.] Oh, Kyle. Howdy-ho.
	Mr. Hankey starts coughing again.
Mr. Hankey	Well, how did it go? Is everyone gonna stop poopin' in my environment?
Kyle	They didn't believe me. They thought I was pitching a movie.
Mr. Hankey	[Droops.] Oh. I, I see. Welluh shucks, Kyle, I can't thank you enough for tryin'.
	He turns back and starts playing the organ again.
Kyle	[Determined.] We only have one option. I've gotta take you to the surface.
Mr. Hankey	Aw I can't. The sun'll dry me out.
Kyle	It's the only way to prove to them that you're real.
Mr. Hankey	But I won't last long up above.
Kyle	Well, you're not gonna last down here either, Mr. Hankey. Now, come on! I'm not gonna let you die!
Mr. Hankey	All right, just let me get my toothbrush.
	The Bijou. Wendy and Stan are heading for the ticket booth.
Wendy	Come on, Stan, we're gonna be late for the screening!
	They look up to see "Tom Hanks in: Me & Mr. Hankey".
Stan	Jeez, they made that into a movie already?
	Inside, they sit in the first row, middle two seats. On the screen, Tom Hanks is in a hospital with a fever, hand to forehead.
Tom Hanks	Mr. Hankey, I can't go on anymore. I've lost the fight.
Mr. Hankey	[A talking monkey hanging from the curtain.] No, I'm not leaving without you.
	The monkey drops down and goes to Tom Hanks' bedside.
Mr. Hankey	We started this together, we're gonna finish it together.
	The monkey holds his hand.
Tom Hanks	I always thought death was something glorious, but now I know that it's not.
	Stan reaches out for Wendy's hand. Wendy cries, blows her nose into a napkin, and hands it to Stan, who just looks at it.
Director 3	[Sitting in the back with Cartman.] It's going over really well. People are gonna be knocking my door down to get you.
Cartman	Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this?! Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a nutsack!
Tom Hanks	[Onscreen.] I'll always love you, Mr. Hankey.
Cartman	[Mocking.] I'll momaymumyeu, Meemuhmammy.
	Kenny waits outside for Stan and Wendy, so he's passing the time with a yo-yo. The doors open and the patrons flood out, crushing Kenny.
Man 1	Oh my God, I found a penny! [Picks it up.]
Man 2	You bastard!
	The street. A manhole cover pops up and Kyle comes out with Mr. Hankey.
Kyle	Mph. Okay, Mr. Hankey. We're out. How are you doin'?
Mr. Hankey	[Looking more frozen than dry.] It sure is -dry up here. [Coughs]
Kyle	Don't worry. We'll do this quick, okay? Just hang on, Mr. Hankey, just hang on!
	Construction is under way at the Hollywood Planet, South Park's "Death Star".
Mayor McDaniels	Excuse me, Mr. Film Commissioner, could I have a word with you?
Robert Redford	[Arms crossed.] Make it quick.
Mayor McDaniels	Well, the people of my town are a little upset. I don't think we realized what an impact this festival would have on our town.
Robert Redford	Uh-huh.
Mayor McDaniels	Right. So, we were actually wondering if we could call this whole thing off?
Robert Redford	We have contracts. [He pulls some out.] You try to pull out now, we'll sue your little town for every penny it's got. But thanks so much for the hard work.
Cartman	[With director 3.] Eh but, but this doesn't make sense to me, Marty! Okay, you told me the movie made a lot of money!
Marty	Mmp right. Two million, minus your agent's fee, minus your lawyer's fee, minus my fee, and the publicity and taxes taken out, you get three dollars! That's more than most people in your position make, trust me!
Stan	[Happening upon the scene.] Serves you right, Cartman! You're a sellout!
Cartman	I'm not a sellout! What's a sellout?
Stan	If you work in the entertainment business and you make money, you're a sellout!
Chef	[Stopping by.] It's all gone to hell, children. And we're all to blame. Even me!
	His booth is shown.
Chef	I was sellin' out my town, too! And now look at it.
	The town looks just like Sundance at the beginning of the episode.
Stan	So what do we do now?
Chef	There's nothin' we can do. Just sit here and suck on my balls.
	Kyle arrives with Mr. Hankey in a shoebox.
Kyle	You guys, we have to hurry!
Stan	Why?
Kyle	Come on! Everything's gonna be okay!
	They walk over to Robert Redford.
Kyle	Sir! Sir!
Robert Redford	Not now!
Kyle	I have to show you something.
	Kyle presents the box containing Mr. Hankey to Robert Redford.
Kyle	I think it will change the way you feel about your impact here.
A director	What's this?
	Others have started to gather around.
Kyle	I want you guys to all meet my friend.
	Kyle removes the lid to the box and rattles the box a bit. When nothing happens, he turns the box over and Mr. Hankey drops out, dry as a bone. The boys gasp.
Robert Redford	That's great, kid. A dried-out lump of shit; very compelling. [To the crowd] Okay, folks, let's move! We've gotta have that sign down in time for the opening tonight!
Kyle	You can't die, Mr. Hankey. You can't.
	Mr. Hankey starts coughing and is barely audible, only his right eye opens.
Mr. Hankey	Kyle. Be-fore I go there's something I must tell you. Come clo-ser.
	Kyle draws closer.
Mr. Hankey	Clo-ser.
	Kyle moves in further.
Kyle	Well-. Huwhat is it, Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey	There is a-nother Sky-walk-er.
	Mr. Hankey dies.
Kyle	Nooohohohohohoho-
Mr. Hankey	Wake up.
Kyle	What is it, Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey	Come clo-ser.
	Kyle moves in closer.
Kyle	What is it?
Mr. Hankey	Clo-ser.
	Kyle moves even further in.
Kyle	Yes?
Mr. Hankey	Closer!
	Kyle is very close.
Mr. Hankey	One time, when you were sleeping, I put myself in your mouth and had my friend take a picture.
	He dies.
Kyle	Nooo!
	Flashbacks of Mr. Hankey flood Kyle's mind, including one of the monkey who played Mr. Hankey in the movie.
Voice over	[Singing slowly, mournfully.] Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. He loved me, I loved you. Therefore vicariously he loved you-
Kyle	Nooo!
HazMat official	I'm sorry, son. Let's get him to ICU.
	The HazMat official scoops Mr. Hankey's corpse into a small white body bag.
Kyle	[Weeping.] Noo! No!
Stan	[Concerned.] Are you gonna be okay, dude? I'm here for you.
Wendy	[Arriving.] Hi, Stan. Ready to go see another movie? [Damn.]
Stan	Okay!
	Stan releases Kyle, who falls to the ground.
Kyle	Uuf.
	Over at the Bijou, now showing: "BOW DOWN TO HOLLYWOOD, SOUTH PARK" A Film by TOM M. POONER. But inside, it's "A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding", in color. Stan reaches for Wendy's hand. She notices, then looks at him. He pulls his hand back and looks at the screen.
Cowboy	Say, Tom. Do you have any pudding left?
Tom	I ate all mine up, silly.
Cowboy	Well then, now what do we do?
	Stan tries again, and again pulls back. This time, Wendy takes his left hand in her right one and smiles at him. He smiles back at her. A few blinks from her eyes and a gentle squeeze from her hand and he vomits - at a man sitting in front of her.
Man	AAWWWW!
Wendy	Eeewww!
Man	[Facing Stan.] Hey!
Stan	Sorry.
Cowboy	Well, why don't we just explore our sexuality?
Tom	Ooh, good idea. Let's.
	They hug, and the cowboy drops to work on Tom's pants.
Stan	Aw, dude, I shouldn't be seeing this!
	Wendy is alarmed, Stan jumps up and.
Stan	Blaach!
	He vomits on the man in front of him again.
Man	Aaww! [Turns around to face Stan.] Is there a problem, young man?
Stan	No problem, dude.
	Hell's Pass Hospital. Chef and Kyle are at the ICU. The window above Mr. Hankey's bed is sealed so no sunlight gets in. The whole room is sealed in. Mr. Hankey has several wires streaming into him.
Kyle	I'll never forget you. You were my best friend after Stan.
Chef	Come on, Kyle. It's time to go.
Kyle	Chef, does poo go to heaven?
Chef	[Chef ponders a moment.] Well, uh-I kinda hope not.
	Kyle starts weeping.
Chef	I mean, sure it does.
	Kyle quiets down.
Chef	Here. I'll give him one of my Salty Balls to take with him to poo heaven.
	Chef removes the face tubes and drops a ball into Mr. Hankey's mouth, then puts the tubes back.
Chef	Come on, let's go.
	They start to walk away.
Mr. Hankey	[Weakly.] Kyle.
Kyle	[Rushes back.] Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey	Howdy-ho.
Kyle	He's back! He's back! [Chef returns.]
Mr. Hankey	That was delicious.
Chef	My Salty Chocolate Balls must have re-juvenated him!
Kyle	You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.
Chef	You're daaamn right.
	Hollywood Planet is finished and awaiting its unveiling. But first, over at Cartman's booth,
Cartman	Step on up, get them here! Mr. Hankey & Me T-shirts! Get them while they last, folks. for only $14.95!
Woman	I'll take two.
Man	I'd like to pay for one.
Cartman	Selling T-shirts kicks ass!
	Robert Redford is at the podium.
Robert Redford	Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce on this Gala Opening of Hollywood Planet South Park, that the festival will be back next year!
	Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, and Jimbo are dismayed, along with the rest of the town.
Robert Redford	And the year after that, and the year after that, and so on! And now, release the curtain!
	The curtain drops to reveal Hollywood Planet in all its glory. Kliegl lights move their beams around and palm tress line the restaurant front.
Robert Redford	I give you, "Hollywood in South Park!"
	He laughs sinisterly. The crowd gasps at the size of the thing.
Kyle	Wait!
	The crowd turns to see who it is.
Kyle	I brought him! I brought him to show you!
	Cartman is with Stan and Kyle.
Robert Redford	[Put off.] Oh, not this again!
Kyle	Behold! Mr. Hankey!
	Mr. Hankey jumps out of the box.
Mr. Hankey	Hoooooowwwdy-ho!
	The crowd looks at him blankly, then turns back to face the commissioner. Hollywood folks are hard to impress.
Robert Redford	Anyway, this new Hollywood Planet will be the official meeting place for all-
Mr. Hankey	Howdy-ho, folks. I'm afraid my buddy Kyle was right. There's not enough room in South Park to accommodate a festival.
Short Man	Mr. Poo, if you wouldn't mind, we can't hear our chairman. If you could just turn yourself down. You're at about 7 right now, we need you at about, 3, okay?
	Mr. Hankey's hands drop and he hops over to the podium. Robert steps aside.
Mr. Hankey	Uh, folks, please. Little towns like this simply aren't made for friggin' films. We love havin' visitors, but golly, too many of you is hurtin' our ecosystem. Be-sides, folks, film festivals shouldn't be about what celebrities are comin' or what film is gonna get sold. It should be about people gettin' together, and watchin' movies, and about people who could never get their movies seen havin' a chance to have it watched, if only once. A good film festival should be something where we all say, "Gaw, let's forget about lawyers and managers and studios and celebrities. Let's forget all those things for just a while, and just watch some new art."
	The crowd ponders the speech. Kyle smiles, and so does Mr. Hankey.
Robert Redford	[Grabs Mr. Hankey and pulls back.] I have had enough of you! [He tosses him away.]
Mr. Hankey	[Flying through the air.] Nyyaarrrr!
Kyle	No!
	Mr. Hankey hits a wall and slides down.
Robert Redford	Now, as I was saying, this shall usher in a whole new decade of film festivals.
	Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Chef gather 'round Mr. Hankey.
Kyle	[Crying.] O-hoho he's dead. Mr. Hankey's dead.
Chef	Well, it worked once before.
	Chef drops six balls into Mr. Hankey's mouth.
Mr. Hankey	[Recovering.] Hi, Chef. Your big chocolate balls are just the trick!
	He rubs his belly and hops off. As he does, syncopated music plays, and he switches to a sorcerer's cap. He's pissed.
Stan	What the hell is he doing?
Kyle	I don't know.
	Mr. Hankey hops up to Hollywood Planet and jumps onto the top of the globe. He is now fully dressed as a sorcerer's apprentice. He starts to do his magic, waving his hands as clouds gather and poo jumps out of manholes and grills throughout the town.
Cartman	Whoa!
	Robert Redford is awed. Mr. Hankey continues wielding his power, and three poo men rise up out of the poo that now covers the street. They start to dance.
An Agent	Oh my God!
	Mr. Hankey continues. Poo pours forth from the Porta Potties nearby and builds into a giant wave.
Crowd Members	[Fleeing.] Aaaaahh!
	The poo squelches them and sweeps them away. People clear out of the Hollywood Planet area. Robert Redford and Phyllis get out as well. Mr. Hankey is brewing something up and releases it.
Man	Oh, my God, it's crap!
Man 2	Ohh! Noo!
	The poo traps a car and pushes it into the air as the poo turns into a twister.
Man 3	Whoa, it smells, it smells!
	Robert Redford and Phyllis reach their car.
Phyllis	[Now inside.] Come on, let's go! It's coming!
Robert Redford	[With key in the ignition.] I'm trying, damn it!
	Mr. Hankey directs the twister back and forth as it picks up stuff and people. He then has it engulf Hollywood Planet. The poo seeps into Robert Redford's car and fills it up.
Robert Redford	Aww. Aww. Glup.
	The poo drowns them and pours out the car windows.
Man	Let's get out of this town!
	Whatever people are left get into their cars and drive out quickly. Mr. Hankey lets up and relaxes, and the clouds clear away. The town is covered in poo. So are the townspeople.
Mr. Hankey	[Gazing at the scene.] Gosh. I guess I don't know my own strength.
	He takes his cap off and lifts it high in a flourish, smiling.
Kyle	You did it, Mr. Hankey. You got rid of all the film people!
Townsfolk	Hooray!
Mayor McDaniels	Ooh, yeaah. Now all we have is a town covered in shit! This is much better!
Mr. Hankey	I couldn't have done it without you, Kyle.
	He jumps down to Kyle.
Mr. Hankey	Kisses.
	He kisses Kyle, and Kyle hugs him. Chef hugs both Stan and Kyle.
Wendy	[Stopping by.] Stan, I'm sorry I dragged you to all those independent films.
Stan	Oh, that's okay Wendy. I forgive you.
Wendy	Sometimes I forget that even though a few independent films are great, most of them suck ass.
Cartman	Yes. And I've learned something, too.
	The others turn, Stan and Wendy hold hands.
Cartman	Being a sellout is sweet. Because you make a lot of money. And when you have money, you don't have to hang out with any poor-ass losers- like you guys. Screw you guys, I'ma goin' home.
	End of Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls. The song of the same name plays.
End of Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls