South Park Archives

"Cartman and the Hobbit" is a short created by South Park Studios for the 2012 SpikeTV Video Game Awards, which was held on December 7, 2012.


The short begins with a small Hobbit examining a ring. Eric Cartman, wearing his costume from "The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers" and in South Park: The Stick of Truth, approaches the Hobbit and attempts to convince him to kill all of the Hippies.

The Hobbit, confused, declines and reinforces that he is searching for a dragon's treasure. This angers Cartman who declares that the Hobbit should "respect his authoritah". Cartman then bashes the Hobbit's head in with his staff before turning to face the audience attending the VGA awards.

Cartman welcomes the audience, turns on the lights and music, and then introduces Samuel L. Jackson, who hosted the awards.




Cartman and the Hobbit
A fertile, fantasy land. A small hobbit is examining a ring.
The most beloved fantasy story of all time is now a fully-animated video game. It is the tale of a small hobbit and a great wizard who appeared to him, one day. [Eric Cartman, the wizard, steps forward]
All right dude, check it out. Go, like, that way, and then up this one mountain, and then kill all the Hippies you come across.
Kill— hippies? No, no; I'm searching for a dragon's treasure!
I'm the wizard, you're the dwarf, and you will respect my authoritah! [hits the Hobbit with his staff]
I am no dwarf! And that staff gives you no authority.
Yes it does, look right here. [lowers the staff] See? Look closer, look closer. [the Hobbit leans forward] RESPECT! [clubs the Hobbit, drawing blood] MY! [clubs him again] AUTHORITAH! [clubs him a final time, then turns to the camera] Humans, Elves, and half-Jews everywhere! Welcome to the Tenth Anniversary of the VGA Awards! Let there be lights! [lights shine] Let there be music! [music begins] And now, here is your host for the evening: That bald guy from The Matrix! Samuel Leroy Jackson!
End of Cartman and the Hobbit