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The official script for "Cartman Joins NAMBLA" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Butters Stotch
  • Timmy Burch
  • Other Boys
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Dr. Mephesto
  • Stuart McCormick
  • Mrs. McCormick
  • Members of North American Man-Boy Love Association
  • Patrick and Mr. Harris
  • Members of North American Marlon Brando Look Alikes
  • John Denver Experience Ride Operator
  • Dr. Doctor
  • A Nurse
  • Pharmacist
  • Token Black
  • Waiter

Script

Cartman Joins NAMBLA
Kenny's house, day. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny sit around a Monopoly-type board game in Kenny's room
Cartman
Okay, Stan, I'm gonna you... a UFO crash-landing card! [tosses it in front of him] You can deny it, or cover it up.
Stan
Dude, I don't understand this game at all.
Cartman
[Front of board game box is seen with 'Kurtis' spelled incorrectly with a 'C'] It's "Investigative Reports with Bill Kurtis" funtime game. You have to decide if you deny it or cover it up.
Stan
Um, deny it?
Cartman
Okay, let's see what Bill Kurtis says. [presses an electronic Bill Kurtis head]
Electronic Head
[trembles from side to side] Hello, I'm Bill Kurtis. Many believe that the U.S. Government... covered it up. I'm Bill Kurtis.
Kyle
Alright, Cartman. I'm gonna give you... a jail-time card. [tosses it in front of him] You lose a turn.
Stan
Sweet.
Cartman
Oh yeah?! Well, I'm gonna give you... AIDS! [tosses the card in front of him]
Kyle
What?
Cartman
I just gave you AIDS.
Kyle
AIDS?! [looks confused]
Stan
Dude, that's not cool. Don't give Kyle AIDS.
Cartman
Kyle has AIDS, and now loses 47 turns [Kyle turns angry] and 800 points. [camera pans back, and Kenny's parents appear at the door with arms around each other]
Mrs. McCormick
Kenny, your dad and I are thinking about having another baby. Wouldn't you like to have another brother or sister?
Kenny
(No.)
Stuart
[tickling his wife] We just might get workin' on it later tonight, huh huh huh. [they walk off giggling]
Cartman
God-damnit, poor people suck! Your family is already on welfare, and now they're gonna bring another kid into the world. Poor people are turning out babies, adding to the overpopulation, and they're expecting me to pay for it with my tax dollars.
Stan
You don't pay tax dollars, Cartman! You're eight!
Cartman
...You see. [stands] Gaw, this is just what I've been talkin' about! I can't even relate to you guys anymore because you're too immature!
Kyle
What?
Cartman
I've gotta start hanging out with friends that are a little more intelligent, and understand ...politics and stuff. It's just that... I'm up on this level up here [hovers his right hand at eye level], and all my friends are down here [hovers it at stomach level].
Kyle
You don't know what you're talking about, fatass!
Cartman
Nononono! Me h'myah [hand at eye level], you guys myah! [hand at chest level] — maybe a little mo down, down in hyah. [hand at foot level. Then he straightens up] SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME. [turns around, walks out, and towards the front door.]
Electronic Head
I'm Bill Kurtis.
Cartman's house, a few minutes later. Cartman paces the floor in his room. Next to him is a computer
Cartman
I've outgrown all my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. [looks at Clyde Frog for a few seconds, then] Oh, great idea, Clyde Frog! [walks over to the chair and hops on] I can meet new friends on the Internet! [clicks the mouse and presses a few keys, then the computer chimes. A list of chat rooms comes up] Here's a chat room: "Men Who Like Young Boys" [moves the cursor to the title and clicks on it] That's perfect. [starts typing] Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and would li- [replies start cascading over his message] Wow! Look at all these guys who wanna be my friend! I'll pick... Tony316. [click on Tony's reply and starts typing] Hi Tony. [clicks and reads the reply] "So what are you into?" [replies] Oh, you know, the usual stuff. Smiley-face. [clicks and reads the reply] "Kewl. Wanna get together? [softer] Smiley-face?" [replies] Sure, Tony! That would be... kewl. Winking, smiley, face. [clicks and reads the reply] "Meet me at Mel's Buffet restaurant tomorrow morning." [replies] Sounds good. See you then! Clown hat, curly hair, smiley-face. [clicks, then brightly] You see that, Clyde Frog? Tomorrow I'm gonna meet my first mature friend!
Mel's Buffet, next day. Cartman enters and approaches a man seated alone in a booth.
Cartman
Hi, are you Tony? [the man looks unusually friendly]
Tony
Yeah. You're -Eric?
Cartman
Yeah! [gets into the booth and sits next to Tony]
Tony
[meekly, hands a bag to Cartman] I brought you some candy.
Cartman
[takes the bag] Wow, cool!
Tony
[hands him two books] And some books on Kama Sutra.
Cartman
Neato! Having older friends kicks ass, uh! You see, I've, I've really been having a tough time. I've kind of matured faster than my other friends [Tony places his hand on Cartman's back and starts rubbing with an open smile]; we don't really relate anymore, and, and uh, alright uh, all my friends seem so childish now.
Tony
Yahahahah like having your back rubbed?
Cartman
Heh, yeah! That feels real nice! Thanks. [two agents burst through the main door and head for Tony and Cartman]
Agent
Hold it right there, scumbag!
Tony
[Quickly removes hands from Cartman] Huh?
Cartman
Huh?
Agent
[pulls out some handcuffs] We monitored your little online chat. [cuffs Tony] Now you're coming with us! [hauls him away]
Tony
[meekly] No! [the two agents whisk him outside]
Cartman
[concerned] What the hell just happened?
Kenny's house, early morn. Kenny's tossing in bed, apparently in a nightmare. His dreams are shown, and in each a parent carries a baby
Mom
You can't eat, Kenny. We have to save food for the baby.
Dad
Your mom and I are going out for a few weeks, Kenny. Take care of the baby.
Mom
Kenny, you have to change the baby's diapers!
Dad
You have to share your room with the baby!
Mom
The baby.
Dad
The baby!
Mom
The baby!!
Kenny
[wakes and sits up] (HAAAAAAAAGH!) [looks around]
Kenny's house, living room sofa, later. Stuart is tickling his wife again
Mrs. McCormick
[giggles] Stop it!
Stuart
Come on, let's go try to get you pregnant again.
Mrs. McCormick
Oh, alright. [they get up and move when Kenny arrives with glove and baseball]
Kenny
(Dad, I wanna play catch.)
Stuart
Huh? Uh, I'll play catch with your later, son.
Kenny
(But I wanna play now!)
Mrs. McCormick
Oh, go ahead. We can make love afterwards.
Stuart
Aw, alright.
Kenny's house, front lawn. Kenny stands in the driveway and Stuart stands in front of the tattered sofa
Stuart
Well alright, here comes a pop fly. See if you can catch it! [tosses it high, but straight for Kenny's glove. Kenny catches it] Good job. Now throw me one. [Kenny takes the ball out of the glove, looks at it in anger, and shoots it straight for his father's groin. Stuart doubles over in pain and covers his crotch] Ohp! Guhhogh! [groaning, he ends up on his side, then throws up]
Mrs. McCormick
[opens the door and rushes out] What happened?!
Stuart
Aw, he smacked me in the balls! [groans some more. Kenny tosses the glove to his mother]
Kenny
[goes inside] (Woohoo!) [Stuart groans some more, then vomits]
Cartman's house, day. He's back at the computer in his room
Cartman
Okay, we'll try this again. [starts typing as BigBoned] Hi, everyone. I am a young boy looking for fun times with older male. I like to- [More quickly than before, his screen fills with cascading replies. He picks one] Oh, this one looks good: HungDaddy. [starts typing] Hello, HungDaddy. [reads the reply] "Hi. I'm eight and a half inches." Damn, dude, this guy's tiny. He must be a dwarf. [Says out loud:] Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. [Types and says:] Midgets piss me off. Frowny face. [clicks and moves on] Lemme see, how about this one?
The South Park docks, day. Cartman walks towards the end, where a man in trench coat and baseball cap looks out over the water.
Cartman
[draws close to the man] Mister Hammerhead?
Mr. Hammerhead
[turns around and is instantly recognizable] Hi there.
Cartman
Mr. Garrison??
Mr. Garrison
[startled] Haah! Eric!
Cartman
You wanna be my friend?
Mr. Garrison
Oh, crap!
Cartman
That's cool, we can hang out. What do you wanna do first?
Mr. Garrison
Huh-uh, nothing! Nothing! [four agents appear and head for him]
Agent
Alright, scumbag, we got you!
Mr. Garrison
[voice quivering] Hey uh, uh, uh. Good thing you guys came. This... little boy was trying to have his way with me.
Agent
Nice try, buddy! We monitored your little online chat—now, you're coming with us! [the four agents, two on either side of Garrison, take him away]
Mr. Garrison
No-o!
Cartman
Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting all my friends? This has to be the work of Stan and Kyle! God, I hate those guys!
South Park Clinic, day. Stan and Kyle stand before a picture window.
Kyle
See? I told you, dude. Those are dialysis machines. [elderly people are seen hooked up to them] Old people have to hook themselves into it with a tube, and it sucks all their body fluids out.
Stan
Oh, man, that's terrible.
Kyle
I know, hunh? Put your mouth against the glass like this. [plants his lips wide on the glass and blows out] Waaaaah! [as the seal takes hold, his cheeks puff up and the inside of his his mouth shows clearly — it is a blow face. Stan smiles]
Stan
Haha, he-yeah ha. [makes his own blow face] Haaaaah.
Kyle
[makes the blow face and wags his tongue at the patients] Bleuh-leuh-leuh-leuh-leuh.
Stan
[does the same] Blaaa-lalalalalalala.
Cartman
[walks up] Alright, just what the hell do you guys think you're doing?!
Stan
[looks and then faces him. Kyle follows] We're making faces at sick people.
Cartman
No! I mean, what the hell are you doing?! Why are all my mature adult friends being "mys-teriously" arrested, huh?! [Stan and Kyle are confused and look at each other]
Stan
We don't know.
Cartman
I'll tell you why! Because you guys are jealous and can't handle the fact that you're immature, and so you've started a government conspiracy against me!
Kyle
We don't know what you're talking about, lardbutt.
Cartman
Lardbut. Oh, that's so mature! Golly, I guess I was wrong about you guys, huh?!
Stan
You're not more mature than us, Cartman!
Cartman
YES I AM!! [Stan and Kyle back up a bit. Cartman turns and walks away]
South Park Police Department, day. Mr. Garrison and Tony are in the cell, and Officer Barbrady sits at a desk with his feet up
Mr. Garrison
I'm telling you, this is all a terrible mistake, Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady
Well, the FBI said I have to hold you here, so that's what I'm gonna do, Mr. Complainy Pants.
Mr. Garrison
O-ogh! [returns to the bed and sits]
Tony
Do you like having your back rubbed?
Mr. Garrison
Eat me, pervert!
Tony
Okay. [some commotion is heard outside. A group of men is seen approaching and the front door opens. The men walk in and approach the desk]
Man
We demand you release these men at once!
Officer Barbrady
Who are you?
Man
We are NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association, and we heard about these political prisoners you're keeping?
Officer Barbrady
Political prisoners? No, these are child molesters.
Man
Loving young boys has been around since the time of the Romans, pal! There's nothing wrong with it! We are an organization dedicated to showing that sex between a man and a young boy can be a beautiful thing!
Other NAMBLA Men
[ad lib] Yeah, uh-huh.
Officer Barbrady
[stands up] Uuuh, I don't know who you are, but these men aren't going anywhere until I hear from the FBI.
Man
Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!
Other NAMBLA Men
Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!
Officer Barbrady
Okay people [the men fall silent], I think you'd better move along before I arrest more of you!
Man
All these men wanted was to love a young boy! [pounds the table a few times] There is nothing wrong with love!
Mr. Garrison
I did not want love from a young boy! I like men my own age. [gasps and shrieks] Aah! I mean, I like women! What did I say?-Oh God! I love titties!
Man
You haven't heard the last of us, officer! Together we are strong. [turns and heads for the door] Come on, men! [the others follow him out, chattering]
Officer Barbrady
[sits back down and plops his feet up] Wow, they've got activists for everything these days.
South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch, night with eery lightning overhead and thunder heard. Dr. Mephesto and Kevin are at a lab table
Dr. Mephesto
I've done it, Kevin. I've successfully spliced this chipmunk with a piece of provolone cheese. [the "cheesemunk"in the box groans] Do you know what this means, Kevin? No more will the world have to look in two different places for squirrels and provolone cheese. No more will mankind have to pick- [the doorbell rings] Who could that be? [walks over and opens the door] Why, it's little Eric Cartman.
Cartman
Dr. Mephesto, I need help.
Dr. Mephesto
Well of course, come in.
Cartman
[follows Mephesto and Kevin in] You see, unfortunately I have matured faster than all my friends. I wanna hang out with older friends, but I can't find any, so I was wondering if you could genetically engineer some older friends for me.
Dr. Mephesto
[stops and faces him] Oh, Eric, I'm afraid it's not that simple. Genetic engineering has not yet evolved to the state where I can just make people.
Cartman
Damnit! But I wanna hang out with older guys!
Dr. Mephesto
Oh. Well, I happen to be a member of an organization that can help you. It's called, NAMBLA.
Cartman
NAMBLA?
Dr. Mephesto
Yes. I have been a member for several years. I'm sure they'd let you join. You l-look about right.
Cartman
Hokay, thanks, Dr. Mephesto! [turns and walks out]
Dr. Mephesto
Sure!
South Park Inn. "No Vacancy" "Welcome NAMBLA." Inside, the NAMBLA leader speaks to the group in a meeting room. On either side of him are portraits of men with boys on their laps. More picture line the walls
Man
[henceforth, NAMBLA leader] Fellow members of NAMBLA. As you know, hn hn, we continue to be discriminated against. Recently, the FBI has started to arrest men, who are doing nothing more than trying to start a sexual relationship with a young boy.
Members
Awwww.
NAMBLA leader
And now that all ethnic groups, homosexuals and women's are protected under civil-rights laws, [pounds on the podium] we want the same!
Members
[weakly] Yeah.
Eager Man
Yeh-hehah-hah.
NAMBLA leader
What we need is proof that young boys want to be members of NAMBLA. That they want love from us. We need a poster child, to show the world that it is a beautiful and wonderful thing and a- [Cartman enters and takes a seat. Men in the back row look on with some awe.] Can we... help you?
Cartman
Yes. I'd like to join your fine organization. Is that cool?
NAMBLA leader
You... do?
Cartman
Sure.
NAMBLA leader
[greatly relieved] Oho, thank you. Thank you, Jesus.
Cartman
[looks around] ...Sweet.
South Park Clinic, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stand before the picture window. Stan and Kyle make blow faces again. The patients are dismayed. Kenny soon tries to make a blow face but his ever present hood is still on. His parents walk up
Mrs. McCormick
Well, Kenny, the doctor confirmed it. I'm pregnant! You're gonna have a little brother or sister.
Kenny
(No!!) [the camera zooms in on him]
Mrs. McCormick
Yup, it's for sure!
Stuart
And he fixed my shattered left testicle, too!
Mrs. McCormick
Don't be out too late, Kenny. We need to start movin' stuff out of your room. [the parents walk away]
Kyle
Wow. Your mom's pregnant, Kenny.
Stan
Yeah. Now what are you going to do?
Kenny
(I don't know. But I've gotta think of something.) [turns around and walks away in his parents' direction]
Cartman
[rushes up from the other direction] Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! I got into NAMBLA and you gu-uys didn't!
Kyle
What are you talking about, fatass?
Cartman
Oh, no big deal. I just found a group called NAMBLA with adult members, and they all think that I'm sure mature they want me to be their new poster child is all. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] It looks like I'm finally gonna have mature friends who I can relate to. Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! I'm too mature for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! [turns and walks away]
South Park Pharmacy, day. Inside, Kenny in his normal outfit, but with a blond wig, approaches the counter.
Pharmacist
Can I help you, young lady?
Kenny
[wearing a blonde wig] (Yes. I'm looking for some morning-after abortion-)
Pharmacist
Oh, you want some morning-after abortion pills. Well, they're right over there. [points to them. Kenny looks]
Kenny
(Thanks.) [walks over and looks at them. He sees "Morning After Abortion Pills," "Baby - B- Gone," "Get it outta me! (has an unknown, real woman's face pictured)" "Fetus Flusher" "Pregnant No More Super Size." He takes the "Pregnant No More" pills to the counter]
Pharmacist
Uh, I'm sorry, young lady, but I can't sell that to you without permission from your parents. [Kenny hands him a note that reads: I hereby give my daughter permission to abort her baby -Mother] Oh, well, alrighty then. Cash or charge?
Kenny
(Cash.)
Kenny's house, day. Kenny's in the kitchen mixing a drink. It consists of cocoa, vodka, ...and the entire bottle of "Pregnant No More" pills. All 999 of them. In a mug. He finishes, drops down, and heads for the living room
Kenny's house, living room. Stuart reads the paper, and Mrs.McCormick is knitting. Kenny enters with the mug
Kenny
(Look, Mom. I made you something to drink.) [a rat climbs onto the sofa headrest; Stuart shoos it away]
Mrs. McCormick
Oh, well that's very sweet of you, Kenny. You made my favorite drink for me.
Kenny
(Yeah.) [presents the mug]
Mrs. McCormick
But unfortunately, now that I'm pregnant, I can't drink.
Kenny
(What?)
Stuart
Well, I can still drink. [grabs the mug and starts chugging away]
Kenny
(No! Daddy!) [looks on as Stuart finishes the mug off]
Stuart
Ogh, that hits the spot. Makes me forget all about my shattered balls. [seeing Kenny looking at him] What? Wwhat's the matter? Uh, why don't you go make me another one of... of... [his stomach starts to churn, and he holds it] Who-o-oa.
Mrs. McCormick
What's the matter?
Kenny
(Uh oh.)
Stuart
Oh, God, I'm gonna crap my pants! [rushes to the bathroom]
Kenny's house, bathroom. A sign saying "CRAPPER SWEET CRAPPER" hangs on the wall. Stuart drops his pants and briefs, hops on the toilet, and starts crapping
Stuart
Oohhh, God! [farts and craps in pain] Oooh, my balls! [Kenny appears at the door. Stuart turns around and vomits into the toilet. He alternates between crapping and vomiting, farting all the while] Ooh, God [more alternating between pooping and vomiting as Kenny just stares]
Photo-Dojo, day. Members of NAMBLA surround the photographer as he takes pictures.
NAMBLA Member
Just a few more pictures, Eric. You make a perfect poster child.
Cartman
Thanks, dude. [poses in his beefcake swim pants for several shots before a curtain that says "I LOVE NAMBLA"]
NAMBLA leader
[arrives with some other members] Uh hey, Eric, we have a surprise for you. We want to have a big dinner and dance honoring you as our new poster child.
Cartman
Really? Awesome![continues to pose in various ways as camera shutter sounds are heard]
NAMBLA leader
Yes, and we you to um... invite all your young male friends. [the guys behind him start to drool]
Cartman
Oh. Well, sure. I have some friends who want to be mature, [looks back at the camera and mumbles] excluding Stan and Kyle, of course.
NAMBLA leader
Great, hnn. You go invite your little friends, and we'll get the hotel ready.
Cartman
KIIICK ASS!
Kenny's house, day. Kenny's on the sofa watching television.
Mrs. McCormick
[off-screen] Kenny?? Don't forget to clean out your room so we can paint it for the baby. [Kenny hops off as one commercial ends. Another one draws his attention.]
Announcer
[echo on] Hey, are you feeling down? You need some excitement. And North Park Funland has just opened its newest ride! The John Denver Experience! [the ride is demonstrated] You'll be Rocky Mountain High with this, the most EXTREME, INSANE RIDE EVER BUILT.
Two Guys
["ACTUAL TESTIMONIAL"] It was-
Guy 1
[holds up right thumb] -fun.
Guy 2
[holds up left thumb] -fun.
Announcer
Note: people with heart conditions and expectant mothers should not ride the JOHN DENVER! Open now! Come on down!
Kenny
(Mom!) [walks away]
North Park Funland, day. People file in. The McCormicks are in line to go on the John Denver Experience
Stuart
Are you sure you should be going on this thing?
Mrs. McCormick
Oh, it's all right. [in a low voice] You know, I think maybe Kenny's been a little worried about the new baby. We have to show him that he's still our little boy. [the line moves forward. Kenny and his parents find seats in the first row. The ride itself is wrapped in the body of a small plane, with a wing serving as a ramp]
Operator
[speaks into a muffled PA system] Folks, please keep your hands and arms inside the John Denver Experience at all times. There's no sense in trying to unloop at the latch at any time during the ride at the John Denver Experience. Have fun.
Stuart
What did he say? [the ride swings up smoothly, but at the top it swings into high gear, slamming into the platform during one swing, into a building during another swing, and back and forth this way a few times. Mrs. McCormick is enjoying it quite a bit. The ride ends with a slam into a large pool, where the plane rests upside down] ...John Denver Experience.
North Park Funland, John Denver Experience exit. Riders exit. The McCormicks are the last ones out
Stuart
Oh, God, my nose! I think I broke my nose!
Mrs. McCormick
Come on, Stuart, let's just get you to a bathroom.
Stuart
Oh, I'm not gonna make it! I'm gonna be sick! [heads for the nearest trash can and vomits into it. A woman carrying her baby moves away. He grabs his stomach] Oh, my stomach! [pulls down his pants and poops in the trash can] Oh, my nose! [sneezes blood into the trash can] Gross! [vomits, poops, and sneezes, and this goes on for quite a while. Kenny simply slaps his hand to his head and rolls his eyes.]
South Park, day. Cartman runs into the boys in front of the South Park Clinic
Cartman
Oh, Stan, Kyle, just the guys I wanted to see! My NAMBLA organization is having a very important benefit in my honor.
Kyle
They are?
Cartman
We're gonna have a big, mature party at this hotel, and I can invite all my mature friends that I want. And that means I'm gonna invite everybody! Except for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah!
Stan
[angry] We don't wanna go to some stupid adult meeting anyway!
Cartman
Well, that's nice, 'cause you can't go.
Kyle
We don't wanna go!
Cartman
You can't go.
Kyle
We don't WANNA go!
Cartman
No, you CAN'T go. [turns around and walks away] Hey, Clyde, Butters, check this out
Stan
Dude, maybe we do need to start being more mature.
Kyle
Yeah. I guess we gotta try to get into that club, too.
Kenny's house, day. He is asleep again in his room. Another nightmare appears. The scene is a delivery room at Hell's Pass Hospital. Kenny's mom is about to give birth, and Dr. Doctor is there with a nurse and Stuart
Dr. Doctor
You're doing fine, Ms. McCormick. [sees Kenny sneaking a peek] It's alright, Kenny. Come see the miracle of life. [Kenny approaches and is covered in amniotic fluid as his mom's water bursts]
Kenny
(Eeww.)
Dr. Doctor
I can see its head!
Ms. McCormick
You can?
Dr. Doctor
Push, now. Push hard! [Ms.McCormick holds onto Stuart's hand hard and pushes the baby out. The doctor shields his face] Oh my God. [the nurse screams in horror]
Ms. McCormick
What is it?? [the baby is shown; it is a mutant with long claws and a nasty disposition]
Dr. Doctor
[turns to run] It's ali- [the mutant baby decapitates Dr. Doctor, the nurse, and Kenny]
Stuart
Oh my God, it killed Kenny!
Ms.McCormick
Bad baby, bad!
Kenny
[sits up awake] (Huh. Huh??) [looks around and realizes he's awake] (That does it!) [jumps off, goes to the bathroom and gets a plunger. Then he leaves the restroom]
Kenny's house, living room. Mrs. McCormick is reading a book when Kenny enters with he plunger
Mrs. McCormick
[lowers the book] Oh, hi Kenny. What are ya doin'? [he lifts the plunger and aims it at her] Uh what are you doing, Kenny? [he fixes his gaze on her] Kenny, what are you going to plunge?
Kenny
[rushes at her with the plunger] (AAAARRRRHHH!)
Mrs. McCormick
Aaaaaaah! [jumps off the sofa and runs away] AAAAA! [Stuart arrives as Kenny pursues his mom]
Stuart
Kenny, what the hell are you doing?! [follows them out]
South Park Inn, day. Schmaltzy music plays as the camera looks at a large sign that says "I LOVE NAMBLA HONORARY DINNER" and has a picture of Eric posing under a spotlight at its center. Present in the ballroom are Cartman, Butters, several other boys, and the men they've partnered up with. The doors open and in walk Stan and Kyle, with their partners.
Cartman
[sees them] What the hell? [hops off his chair and walks towards them] Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?! This is for mature people only!
Stan
We got invited too, fatass!
Cartman
Hunh. [rolls his eyes] Well, I guess nowadays, they allow any old schmucks into NAMBLA.
NAMBLA Leader
[now at the podium, a little giddy] Fellow NAMBLA members, it is great to see you all here. It seems like we have finally found a city that won't oppress us.
NAMBLA Membe
Oh, yeah. [others cheer]
NAMBLA Leader
First and foremost, I wanna recognize Eric Cartman, for putting us in touch with all of you pretty, young boys.
Cartman
[graciously, amid some applause] Thank you. Thank you very much. [takes a bow] Thank you.
NAMBLA Leader
Now, I know that many of us have already found partners in this fahine city, and I'd like to take a minute to hear some testimonials from members.
Stan
This is boring.
Kyle
Yeah. [yells] HEY, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO SOME ACTION, HUH?
Member 1
Ho hohohoho
Member 2
Woohoohoohoohoo. [others react similarly, lustily]
NAMBLA Leader
[barely containing his glee] Ho, goodness! What a gift from God! Aha ha, we'll... "get" ...to it very soon, I assure you. But first, I'd just like to hear from a couple of you on your progress. Uh yes, Patrick.
Patrick
Uh I, I found a little eight-year-old named Buttehers. He's a beautiful [Butters lights up], bright, little boy.
Butters
Well, uh I sure am, I guess.
Patrick
And his skin is as soft as fresh linen. [the other men savor the statement]
Stan
[to Kyle] That seems kind of... weird.
Butters
Well, my skin is ssspringtime sssoft, I suppose.
NAMBLA Leader
Wonderful, heh hn. And how about you, Mr. Harris?
Mr. Harris
[with a stammer] Well, I want to announce that I may have found the dream boy of the decade. He's sexy, sassy, and full of spunk. His name is Timmy.
Timmy
TIMMMIHH, tih, Timmih?
NAMBLA Leader
Wuhell, members, I know we're all eager to get acquainted with our new partners and, so why don't we turn down the lights and start to dance! [the DJ starts the music again, and the boys and their partners take the dance floor. Stan and Kyle stay in their seats, as do Cartman and his partner.]
South Park Elementary, 8:05 p.m., Cafeteria. The main doors are closed as the FBI shows up in force.
Lead Agent
Alright, I want those perverted bastards all taken in. Got it?
Agents
Got it!
South Park Elementary, 8:05 p.m., Cafeteria. Inside, Mephesto holds court on the podium in front of a NAMBLA banner, but this NAMBLA is different...
Mephesto
[Kevin at his side] Hello, NAMBLA members. As the South Park representative- [the doors fly open and the FBI agents fill the room]
Lead Agent
[heading for Mephesto] Hold it right there!
Agent 1
Freeze!
Agent 2
Don't nobody move!
Mephesto
What's going on? [four rifles and a shotgun are pointed at him]
Lead Agent
Alright, sickos. Where are the children?! [the NAMBLA members look at each other confused]
Mephesto
What children?
Lead Agent
This... is... NAMBLA, right?
Mephesto
Yes.
Lead Agent
The North American Man/Boy Love Association?
Mephesto
[startled] What? No! [Points to the banner behind him] We're the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes. [a shot of the members is shown, and many of them do look like Marlon Brando]
Blond Agent
Aw, crap! We got the wrong NAMBLA.
Mr. Garrison
Aw, damnit, I'm in the wrong place. [gets up and walks out]
Mephesto
Don't tell me that that other NAMBLA is actually in South Park?!
Lead Agent
You know of them?
Blond Member
Know of them? We've been fighting with them for years over the rights to nambla.com!
Brunet Member
Yeah, those perverted bastards!
Blond Agent
Wow. You guys really do look a lot like Marlon Brando.
Mephesto
Thank you. Now, let's go get those other NAMBLA bastards before they hurt any of South Park's children!
Members
Yeah! Yeah!
Black Member
And let's kick their asses for stealin' our domain name!
Members
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
South Park Inn, evening. NAMBLA members and their boys are still dancing. The NAMBLA leader steps up to the podium
NAMBLA Leader
[Cartman stands next to him] Alright, members, that's enough of that. [the music is stopped] It's time for all of us to retire to our respective rooms, and get to know our new young boys. [NAMBLA members rub their hands react lustily]
Member 3
All right.
Member 4
Alright.
Kyle
Dude. Being mature is boring!
Stan
Yeah.
NAMBLA Leader
Everyone come up and grab your room keys and we'll head upstairs, hm hm.
South Park Inn, upstairs. French music begins to play, and the men and boys appear at the top of the stairs and go to their respective rooms. After a few moments...
The Boys
Aaaaah! [all pour out into the hallway]
Stan
Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!
Kyle
I know, dude! Let's get the hell out of here! [music resumes. All the boys turn and head for the stairs, only to see shadows moving up the wall, and they stop in their tracks]
Stan
Aah! There's more of them! Quick, hide! [the boys run into room 1A. Mephesto shows up and leads the other look-alikes onto the hallway]
Mephesto
Alright, Marlon Brandos, they've got to be here somewhere. Let's try this room. [they enter 2E. The FBI then arrives amid much commotion]
Lead Agent
Let's get those perverts! [the agents fan out and enter all rooms except 1A and 2E. A waiter heads for the stairs with a tray, but naked NAMBLA members pour out of their rooms and startle him. The tray flies off his hand]
Waiter
Sacrebleu! [picks up the tray and heads back to the room he left. The NAMBLA members go into 1A]
The Boys
Whoa! [pour out of 1A and head down the hall to 2E. The door there opens and the Marlon Brandos peek out]
The Boys and The Brandos
Aaah! [the boys run to 1E, the Brandos go back into 2E, and the doors to both are shut]
Mrs.McCormick
[enters the hallway from the stairs] Kenny, no! Leave me alone [heads into 1C]
Kenny
(Come here, mom! Let me get it!) [follows her in. The agents pour out of the rooms and switch places, again avoiding 1A and 2E. Stuart arrives and looks around]
Stuart
Kenny?? [enters 2C. The waiter again heads for the stairs with the tray]
Waiter
Zis time, I will not drop zeh food. [makes it to the top of the stairs, but drops the tray when the NAMBLA members exit 1A] Allo!
NAMBLA Leader
It's clear. The cops are gone. Where's the boys?! [the NAMBLA members enter 2A]
Waiter
[picks up the tray and goes back down the hall, angrily] Sacre bleu! [the door to 2E opens and the Marlon Brandos step out]
Mephesto
I think the boys went in here. [the Brandos enter 1E]
The Boys
[all exit 1E] Aaaaaah!
Timmy
Timmih! [all enter 2D. A poodle on a ball exits 1C and enters 2D. The NAMBLA members exit 2A and head for 1C]
NAMBLA Leader
Maybe the boys are in here. Oh bo-oys? [the NAMBLA members enter 1C. Kenny's mom and Kenny exit 1C]
Mrs. McCormick
Kenny, GIVE IT UP!
Kenny
(Come on!) [both enter 2C. The waiter heads for the stairs again with the tray, but Marlon Brandos and FBI agents pour out of 1E]
Waiter
[falls backwards] Waaah!
Lead Agent
Alright, you're under arrest!
Mephesto
No! You've got the wrong NAMBLA again!
Lead Agent
Damnit!
Agent
Hey, we didn't try that room! [Brandos and agents head for 2A and enter. Two guys in vintage bikes ride across from 2D to 1D]
Waiter
[exasperated, gets up with the tray] Sacre bleu. [walks away, having given up on the stairs]
South Park Inn, a room. The boys are safe, but tired
Kyle
[panting] Dude! We're surrounded by perverts.
Cartman
They're all over the place.
Timmy
Timmiihhh!
Token
[Token joins the group] What are we gonna do?!
Stan
Well, Cartman, you got everybody into this, you have to figure out a way to get everybody out.
The Boys
Yeah.
Cartman
Uuh, that's, that's fine. I know how to get us out.
Kyle
How?
Cartman
Well, look. Those perverts aren't going to rest until they've made love to one of us. Right? So,... somebody's just gonna have to go out there and... take one for the team. [the other boys are shocked at the thought] And I think, in all fairness, it should be Butters. [presents him]
Butters
Huh?? Uh-uh well, huh, why me?
Cartman
Now, are you a team player or not?!
Butters
Well, sure, u-uh I'm a team player-uh, I guess.
Cartman
Well, Butters, there is no I in "team."
Butters
Huh-you mean to expect me to go out there and let all those... huhu-horny old men... have their way with my fragile person?? Well just what team is this anyway?!
Cartman
Just go, Butters. We're running out of time.
Butters
Well uuh-uuh-alright then. [heads for the door. Stan sees him out and Cartman closes the door]
Cartman
Heh, he's such a dumba-a-ass.
South Park Inn, hallway. Butters is there all alone
Butters
Well, alright men. Here, here I come. [puts his hands over his eyes and moves across the hall] I'm ready to take one for the team. [enters 1D.]
Stuart
[exits 2D] Kenny?! Kenny, I've had enough of your shenanigans! [enters 1E]
NAMBLA Leader
[inside 1E] Oh, one of the boys just came in. [the members surround him and being their activity...]
Stuart
What the-? No, wait, no, WAH, NO, WAAAAAH! [Butters steps out of 1D, listens in at the door to 1E, turns around and walks away.]
South Park Inn, outside. The inn has been cleared, so everyone stands outside. An ambulance awaits a victim, who is soon on a stretcher
Mrs. McCormick
[voice shaking, approaches] Are you alright, Stuart?
Stuart
[sobbing] Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, have been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men—I just wanna go home and take a, a hot bath! [the NAMBLA members are in cuffs]
Lead Agent
[to NAMBLA Leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?
NAMBLA Leader
Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Our forefathers came to this country because... they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom." They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. [Stan, Kyle, and Cartman look at each other] You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand. [Stan and Kyle look at each other, then at the NAMBLA leader]
Kyle
Dude. You have sex with children.
NAMBLA Leader
We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away. [shots of the agents, then the Brando look-alikes, then Stan and Kyle, who look at each other, then at the NAMBLA leader]
Kyle
[slowly, for emphasis] Dude. You have sex with children.
Stan
Yeah. You know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
Kyle
Seriously.
Lead Agent
Alright, that's enough. You're all going to be put away for a long time. [The agents escort the NAMBLA members away. The members groan. The boys gather around Stan, Kyle, and Cartman]
Kyle
Well, Cartman?
Cartman
Well, what?
Kyle
Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?
The Boys
Yeah!
Cartman
Alright, alright, I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped. There.
Stan
And now, do you still think that you need to hang out with older, mature friends?
Cartman
No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday. Just don't take too long. [the paramedics finish putting Stuart into the ambulance and head for the cab]
Paramedic
Okay, let's roll. [the siren goes on. The ambulance goes into reverse and crushes Kenny under its rear wheels, then speeds off]
Hell's Pass Hospital, Delivery Room. Mrs. McCormick has a new baby in her arms, and Stuart looks at it with her
Nurse
[voice-over] Dr. Flores, dial 18-
Stuart
Coo, cootchy-coo, coohoohoohoo, cootchy-coo.
Mrs. McCormick
Our little angel, yes.
Stuart
Oh, he's so beautiful. I know it's been hard on both of us losing poor Kenny. But this new baby kind of reminds me of him. [a shot of the baby reveals a boy in a little orange parka with the hood tight on his face, like Kenny before him]
Mrs. McCormick
What should we name him?
Stuart
Well, seeing as though Kenny passed away, maybe we should name him ah,... Kenny.
Mrs. McCormick
Yes. Kenny's such a great name. My little Kenny, a brand-new Kenny. (The new Kenny then mumbles)
Stuart
God, this must be the fiftieth time this has happened.
Mrs. McCormick
Fifty-second.
End of Cartman Joins NAMBLA


  406: "Cartman Joins NAMBLA" edit
Story Elements

NAMBLAMr. WylandDr. Alphonse MephestoInvestigative Reports with Bill Kurtis

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Fourth Season

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