Cartman Gets an Anal Probe/Script

General

Trivia

Images

Script

Extras

Watch Episode

"The Unaired Pilot/Script"

"Cartman Gets an Anal Probe/Script"

"Weight Gain 4000/Script"

The official script for "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe" was released by South Park Studios. It is located [[Media:{{{e}}}.pdf|here]]!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Ike Broflovski
• Chef
• Ms. Crabtree
• Farmer Carl Denkins
• Officer Barbrady
• Mr. Garrison
• Mr. Hat
• Pip Pirrip
• Train Conductor
• A Kid
• Jason White
• Wendy Testaburger
• Liane Cartman
• News Reporter
• Mr. Kitty
• Carl the Visitor
• Blonde woman
• Visitors

Script

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
	At the bus stop.
Boys	School day, school day, teacher's golden ru...
Kyle Broflovski	Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again.
Ike Broflovski	Zeeponaner.
Kyle	Ike, you can't come to school with me. [Ike Chortles.]
Eric Cartman	Yeah, go home you little dildo!
Kyle	Dude, don't call my brother a dildo!
Stan Marsh	What's a dildo?
Kyle	Well, I don't know...[He faces Cartman and points at him.] and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!
Cartman	I know what it means!
Kyle	Well, what?
Cartman	I'm not telling you.
Stan	What's a dildo, Kenny?
Kenny McCormick	(It's a giant stick that goes inside the mom's vagina.) [The others laugh.]
Cartman	He-yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right! [Kyle swings Ike by his feet, knocking Cartman down.] Ow! [Ike Laughs.]
Stan	Dude, that kicks ass!
Kyle	Yeah, check this one out. Ready Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike	Don't kick the baby.
Kyle	Kick the baby.
	He kicks Ike like a football, who lands, knocking down four mailboxes. Cartman yawns.
Stan	Whoa, Cartman! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
Cartman	That's 'cause I was having these... bogus nightmares.
Kyle	Really? What about?
Cartman	Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed...
	The dream sequence begins.
Cartman	...in the dark, when all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room.
	Through his window, one can see a spaceship land and its light stream in.
Cartman	Then slowly my bedroom door began to open... [A Visitor peeks inside.]
Cartman	...and then the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway.
Cartman	Weeaak!
Cartman	Then I was lying on a table...
	Cartman is laying face down, Visitors lower his pajamas.
Cartman	...and these scary aliens wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes.
Stan	Dude! Visitors!
Kyle	Totally!
Cartman	What?
Stan	That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were Visitors!
Cartman	No, it was just a dream, my mom said so.
Stan	Visitors are real.
Kyle	Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows.
Cartman	Oh, shut up guys! You're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working.
Chef	[Drives up and gets out of the car.] Hello there, children.
Boys	[in unison] Hey, Chef.
Stan	What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
Chef	Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley.
Cartman	Kick ass.
Chef	Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night?
Cartman	[Surprised.] Huh?
Kyle	Yeah, fat boy saw it!
Cartman	Eh, no, that, that was just a dream. And I'm not fat, I'm big boned!
Chef	Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes?
Cartman	Oh!
Stan	They took him on their ship.
Chef	Oh! [Quietly.] Did they give you an anal probe?
Cartman	Oh!
Kyle	What's an anal probe?
Chef	That's when they put this big metal hoop-a-joop up yo' butt.
Kyle	Whoa! They gave you an anal probe Cartman?
Cartman	No! Uh-I mean, eh, why would they do that?
Stan	Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!
Cartman	No!
Ike	Eneh probe.
Cartman	Shut up, dildo!
Chef	Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that fat boy now. He could be under alien control.
	Chef walks back to his car, there is a picture of a Visitor on his shirt with the word "Believe" written under it. Cartman goes catatonic as Chef drives off.
Cartman	Oh!
Kyle	We told you they were real Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass.
Cartman	God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream!
	They start to file onto the bus.
Kyle	Why you walkin' so funny Cartman?
Cartman	Shut up!
Ike	[Waddles by.] Oh foonuh bebe.
Kyle	No, Ike, go home.
Ike	Eeeeee!
Kyle	This is it. This one's for the game.
Ike	Purplor.
Kyle	Kick the baby!
	He kicks Ike, who flies through the first window of the school bus and crashes out the window on the other side.
	On the bus.
Stan	Good morning, Miss Crabtree.
Ms. Veronica Crabtree	SIT DOWN! WE"RE RUNNING LATE!
	The bus pulls away, leaving Ike behind at the bus stop. Kyle is kneeling on the seat looking out the back window at him.
Kyle	Damn it, he's still there.
Stan	Oh, don't worry about him.
Kyle	No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me.
Ms. Crabtree	SIT DOWN BACK THERE! AAAAAAH!!
Stan	Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch.
Ms. Crabtree	WHAT DID YOU SAY!?
Stan	I said I have a bad itch.
Ms. Crabtree	[calmly] Oh.
Kyle	[Gasps.] Oh, my God!
	Two Visitors are holding Ike between them
Stan	[Turning to see.] Visitors!
Kenny	(Oh nooo!)
Kyle	Ike! [Kyle runs to the front of the bus.] STOP THE BUUUUUS! Ms. Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!
Ms. Crabtree	DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL!?
Kyle	No.
Ms. Crabtree	Then sit down!
Kyle	But I...
Ms. Crabtree	Arrgghhh!
Kyle	Arrghh!
Kyle, Ms. Crabtree	Arrrggghhh!
	Kyle runs back to his seat. Ms. Crabtree has the last word.
Stan	Cartman, are those the same Visitors you saw?
Cartman	Shut up you guys, it's not working.
Kyle	We have to do something!
Stan	Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us.
Ms. Crabtree	WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Stan	Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
Ms. Crabtree	Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.
	she makes a hard right, flinging kids onto the left side of the bus.
Kyle	What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Stan farts.] You farted. [They laugh.]
Cartman	Heh, somebody's baking brownies.
	Behind the bus, a space craft rises into the sky, then zooms away.
	Farmer's grazing fields with a mutilated cow.
Farmer Carl Denkins	That's the third cow this month. At this rate all my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through.
	The cows moo questioningly.
Officer Barbrady	This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
	The cows shake their heads.
Farmer Carl	People been saying they've been seeing UFO's around.
Officer Barbrady	UFO's? [Laughs.]
Farmer Carl	Yeah, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks.
Officer Barbrady	That is the silliest thing I've ever heard.
	Helicopters fly by above him.
Farmer Carl	What was that?
Officer Barbrady	That, that was a pigeon.
Farmer Carl	What am I supposed to do, Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one?
	The cows notice something and raise their heads. One Visitor waves a piece of hay and whistles. The cows start running away from them.
Farmer Carl	Hey! My cattle!
	The "Cattle Ranch" sign falls down.
Farmer Carl	You see? There is somethin' funny goin' on!
Officer Barbrady	There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back.
	Mr. Garrison's class.
Mr. Herbert Garrison	And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus.
Mr. Hat	That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. And then in 1492 Columbus started a restaurant...[He is drowned out by Kyle's voice.]
Kyle	[Whispering.] Oh, man. I can't just sit here, I have to help my stupid brother, or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling, "Where's your brother, Kyle?" "You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?"
Stan	[Whispering.] Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him.
Kyle	[His voice is rising to an audible level.] "You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!" "Brush and floss, Kyle!" "Where has that finger been, Kyle?"
Stan	Dude!
Mr. Garrison	Is there a problem, boys?
Kyle	Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.
Mr. Garrison	Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?
Kyle	No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Silence.] It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe.
Cartman	[Embarrassed.] Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh, heh.
Kyle	[Kyle walks up to Mr. Garrison's desk.] Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison	I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle	I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
Mr. Garrison	Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle	Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Hat	Well, Kyle, no!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Mr. Garrison	Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle.
Kyle	Damn it!
Cartman	Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you.
	Cartman farts fire. Poor Pip is stunned.
Cartman	Ow! My ass!
	The class gasps.
Kyle	Dude!
Stan	Damn, Cartman!
Cartman	[Cartman farts fire again.] Uh... Ow! My ass!
Kyle	Dude, he's farting fire!
Stan	It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!
Cartman	No, that was just a dream.
Mr. Garrison	Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?
Cartman	No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine.
	Cartman farts fire again, setting Pip aflame. Pip runs around the room on fire.
	Train station. Cows flock in from all around and stand in line, waiting to board the train out of town.
Train Conductor	Hey, you cows can't get on this train! This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, all right? 'Cause you're cows.
	The cows are all staring at the conductor.
Train Conductor	No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right? 'Cause it's not gonna work.
Officer Barbrady	[Drives by with his lights flashing.] Hold it right there, cows!
	Cows split up and run off mooing.
Officer Barbrady	Come back here! Now then! [He pursues them.]
	Cafeteria
Kid	So then I had bad, bad gas.
Jason	Ya, seriously, killer.
Cartman	[Cartman farts fire.] Oh!! Whoa, I sure am hungry.
Stan	How can you eat when you're farting fire?
Cartman	Shut up, dude, you're being totally immature.
Kyle	Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger.
Stan	[Gasps.] Where?
	He finds himself looking right at her. An epiphany plays while hearts dance around Stan's head. Stan smiles, and it soon goes from ear to ear
Cartman	[Singing.] Stan wants to ki-iss Wendy Testabur-ger.
Stan	Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like her!
Cartman	I'm not fat. And you obviously like her because you throw up every time she talks to you.
Stan	I do not!
Wendy Testaburger	Hi, guys.
Kyle, Cartman	Hi, Wendy.
Wendy	Here, Stan. This is for you. [Wendy hands Stan a note.]
Stan	Bleech!
Wendy	Eww! [She leaves.]
Kyle, Cartman	[Their eyes follow her out.] Bye, Wendy.
Kyle	Dude, what does the note say?
Stan	[He glances at it.] Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.
	A look of wonder comes over his face.
Kyle	Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman	Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny	(Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.)
Stan	[That gets his attention.] What? How do you know she has a cat?
	Silence, Kenny waits to see if the other guys got the message, then laughs. The rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant.
Kyle	Come on you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back.
	The cafeteria kitchen. Chef stands behind the counter, ready to serve food. The boys enter.
Chef	Hello there, children.
Boys	Hey, Chef.
Chef	How are you doing?
Kyle	Bad.
Chef	Why bad?
Kyle	Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?
Chef	Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up. I'm gonna make love to you woman Gonna lay you down by the fire And caress your womanly body Make you moooooan and perspire Gonna--
Stan	Uh, Chef?
Chef	--get those juices flowin'--
Stan	Chef.
Chef	--we're makin' love gravy--
Stan	Chef!
Chef	--love gravy, lovelovelovelovelove gravih!
Stan	[shouts loud enough for Chef to hear] CHEF!!!
Chef	Love luh-- Huh?
	Silence. Kenny nods towards Kyle.
Chef	Do you feel better?
Kyle	No!
Chef	Oh, come on children, what could be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day.
Stan	Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.
Chef	What?!
	Chef tosses a food tray aside and runs to the other side of the counter.
Chef	What the hell do you think you're doing in school eatin' Salisbury steak?! Go find him, damn it!
Kyle	Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up.
Cartman	You are making it up.
	Cartman farts more fire, the anal probe pops out, moves around and puts its metal arms on its hip, looking annoyed at Cartman's determination that it didn't happen.
Stan	Whoa!
	The probe goes back into Cartman's ass.
Cartman	What?
Kyle	That was cool!
Chef	It's uh some kind of symbiotic, metamorphosis device.
	Cartman turns about so Chef can check out the probe.
Chef	This could mean the Visitors want to communicate with us.
Cartman	[Turning to face Chef, testily.] Oh, I see. Now you're going to join in on the little joke huh?
Chef	It's no joke, children, this is big!
Kyle	Please, Chef, if I don't get out of school and get my little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me.
Chef	Uuh, hold on now, hold on now. [To himself.] Uhyouyouyou you gotta help the children.
Cartman	Oh, you guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!
Chef	[Pulling on the fire alarm] Fire drill! Fire drill! Everybody out! [To the boys.] Okay children, this is your chance!
Stan	Killer! Thanks, Chef.
Chef	Mahahahahan oh man, first contact with the alien Visitors. I've got to get myself ready.
	The boys' neighborhood.
Boys	[Singing.] We got out of school, No more school today, We got out of school...
	Cartman, interrupting the song with a fiery fart.
Cartman	Oh!! You guys, my ass, seriously..!
Stan	Okay, Cartman, you can stop farting fire now.
Cartman	I would if I could, you son of a bitch!
Kyle	Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?
Cartman	Uh—Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream, I know I didn't have an anal probe, and I know that I'm not under alien control!
	a radio wave strikes Cartman and he gets big blushy cheeks and starts to sing.
Cartman	I love to singa, About the moona and June-a and the springa, I love to singa, About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...
	A second radio wave reverts him to normal and all is quiet. Dogs bark in the background.
Stan	What the hell was that?
Kyle	He is under alien control. That thing in his butt is linked up to the Visitors!
Cartman	Ah, son of a bitch!
Cartman	You guys, shut up. I'm not under alien control.
	Kyle yells into Cartman's ear. His voice echoes.
Kyle	Hey!
Cartman	Uh...
Kyle	If you Visitors can hear me-
	The voice echoes in Cartman's head.
Cartman	Hey...
Kyle	-bring me back my little brother, God damnit!
Cartman	Ow! [Faces Kyle.] That hurts, you buttlicker!
	Stan notices a spaceship hovering overhead.
Stan	Kyle, look! It's them.
Kyle	Give me back my brother!
	Kyle throws a rock at the spaceship. It fires back with a flash of light, hitting Kenny and knocking him into the road.
Stan	Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle	You bastards! Come back here! Coomme baack!
	The spaceship leaves.
Kyle	Damn it, we were so close!
Stan	Hey look, [Kenny gets up.] I think Kenny's okay.
Kenny	(Don't worry, I'm alright. Argh!)
	The fleeing cows run over Kenny.
Stan	Owww.
Kenny	[He gets up again.] (Nope, I'm all fine. Agh!)
	Officer Barbrady mows him down with his police cruiser. Kenny ends up along the curb, lifeless. The boys approach.
Stan	Wow, poor Kenny.
Kyle	Now do you believe us, Cartman?
Cartman	No!
Kyle	Cartman, they killed Kenny!
Cartman	He's not dead.
Stan	Dude, Kenny is dead!
	Stan picks up a stick and hits Kenny's bloody body.
Stan	See?
Cartman	Shut up, you guys.
Kyle	He's dead, Cartman!
	Kyle pulls Kenny's head off his body.
Cartman	God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! [He walks off.] Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.
Kyle	Go on and go home, you fat chicken!
Cartman	[Off screen.] Dildo!
Kyle	You're all I have left, Stan.
Stan	Sorry, dude. I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger.
Kyle	You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared, up there all alone. You gotta help me, dude!
	Rats feast upon Kenny's body.
Stan	Dude, like Chef says, I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot. [He hurries away.]
	Rats drag Kenny's head off.
Kyle	Rats.
	Cartman's house.
Liane Cartman	Hello, Eric.
Cartman	Hi, Mom.
Liane	How are you doing?
Cartman	Well, I'm pissed off!
Liane	Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise.
Cartman	I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise. All the kids at school call me fat!
Liane	You're not fat, you're big boned.
Cartman	That's what I said.
Liane	You can have an eensy weensy bit, can't you?
Cartman	No!
Liane	Just a weensy eensy woo woo?
Cartman	No, leave me alone mom! [He walks past her.]
Liane	How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie, then?
Cartman	[He stops in his tracks.] What? Well, that does sound pretty good.
	He returns to sit on the sofa while his mom goes off to get the pie.
Cartman	Uh, Mom?
Liane	Yes, hon?
Cartman	If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay?
Liane	Sure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofs, too?
	Cartman is in disbelief she even asked.
Cartman	Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs.
	Stark's Pond. Kyle decided to join Stan.
Kyle	Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the Visitors now.
Stan	But her note said she'd be here.
	Wendy appears out of nowhere.
Wendy	Hi, Stan.
Stan	Bleech!
Wendy	Eww!
Kyle	You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.
Wendy	But why, Stan?
	Stan tries to hold it in.
Stan	Bleech!
Wendy	Eww!
Kyle	Look, can you guys just get down to business so we can go find my little brother?
Wendy	[Turns to Kyle.] Huh?
Kyle	Just make sweet love down by the fire.
Wendy	What happened to your little brother?
	Cartman's house. Cartman is on the sofa watching TV.
News Reporter	As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns.
	A plane circles around a field with odd patterns on it, and a cameraman pans out to reveal the outline of Cartman.
Cartman	Hey, that kind of looks like... Tom Selleck.
News Reporter	Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with us, here on Earth?
Mr. Kitty	Meow.
	Noticing Mr. Kitty eyeing his pot pie.
Cartman	No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie.
Mr. Kitty	Meow.
Cartman	No, Kitty, you bad kitt--!
Mr. Kitty	Meow.
Cartman	No, Kitty, it's mah pot pie!
	Kitty hisses.
Cartman	Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!
	Liane peeks in suggestively.
Liane	Well, then. I know a certain kitty-kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
Cartman	[Confused.] What?
	Stark's Pond. Kyle is explaining what happened to his little brother.
Kyle	...and now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed.
Wendy	Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?
Kyle	Why?
Wendy	Well, if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the Visitors are using him as part of their plan. You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back.
Kyle	Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman. [He moves out.]
Wendy	Come on, Stan. [She walks past him, following Kyle.]
Stan	Bleech!
Wendy	Eww! [She walks away.]
Stan	Hey, wait. When do I get to make sweet love?
	A bird flies into his puke and starts waddling around in it.
	Cartman's House, a short time later.
Mr. Kitty	Meow.
Cartman	No, Kitty, you can't have any!
Mr. Kitty	Meow.
Cartman	No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie! Bad Kitty--!
	Cartman farts fire, setting the cat ablaze.
Cartman	Eh, 'scuse me, Kitty.
	Liane enters the room with Kyle, Stan, and Wendy.
Liane	Eric, look who's here.
Cartman	Dude, weak mom.
Kyle	Come on Eric, we can go play at the bus stop.
Cartman	I can't, my mom said...
Liane	That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends.
Cartman	[Quietly.] But mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends--
Liane	[Stern.] Don't be difficult, Eric! Now, you go out and play in the fun snow.
Cartman	God damn it!
	Mr. Kitty then runs by in flames.
	Forest at night. Cartman's right foot is tied to a tree.
Cartman	You guys, I have to get home.
Stan	Don't be such a fraidy-cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again.
	Cartman tugs his foot testing the rope.
Cartman	Oh, man, this sucks.
Kyle	How come the Visitors aren't coming for him?
Stan	I think we have to signal them somehow.
Cartman	[Cartman farts fire.] Ow!
Wendy	Hey, he's like Rudolph.
Kyle	Yeah! All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the Visitors are sure to come!
Cartman	Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.
Kyle	Sure you do!
Stan	Come on Cartman, fart!
Cartman	I don't wanna.
Stan	[To Kyle and Wendy.] He can't hold it in forever.
Kyle	Fart, damn you!
Cartman	Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!
	Farts. An anal probe comes out of his butt and expands.
Cartman	I'm sick of it! It's completely immature.
Stan	Hey, it's happening again.
	The probe is now a large satellite dish.
Kyle	Whoa, look at that.
Stan	Now, do you believe us, Cartman?
Cartman	You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up.
Stan	Cartman, there's a 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass!
Cartman	Sure, you guys, what-ever.
	The dish sends a radio signal out to space.
	Chef's yard. He's sitting in a lawn chair with a can of ZOOP in his hand. An Igloo cooler is next to him.
Chef	Oh, boy. The aliens are going to make first contact. Hey, down here, we are ready for your wisdom! [He looks at his watch.] And you've only got 20 minutes before Sanford and Son is on.
	Forest.
Cartman	You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now! I know there is no such things as aliens!
	Three small ships descend, followed by a mother-ship.
Cartman	Oh, God damn it!
Mr. Garrison	[Driving by, he stops.] What the? I tell you, there's some crazy stuff going on in this town.
Mr. Hat	You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Kyle	Come down here, you stinking aliens! [Three Visitors appear.] Uh, uh...
Stan	Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back.
Kyle	Vi, Visitors, this morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... i- is a pretty special thing.
Stan	Yeah.
Kyle	Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.
Stan	That was beautiful, dude.
Kyle	Did it work?
Stan	No, they're leaving.
Kyle	Hey, you scrawny-assed shits, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!
Stan	Whoa, dude!
Kyle	You know what you fuckers like! You like to fuck! And shit! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck!
Stan	Hey Wendy, what's a fuck? [She shrugs.]
	The spaceship door opens.
Ike	Help me doy tair.
Kyle	Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!
Ike	Don't hurt me.
	A herd of cows runs away from the ship, but a trio of Visitors stops them in their tracks. The cows moo and quiver with fear until the middle Visitor raises its hand and addresses them.
Visitor	Moo... Moo...Moo...Moo... (Greetings, cows of Earth. We come in peace.)
Cows	Moo?? (Really??)
Kyle	Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now on!
Ike	Don't kick the baby.
Visitor	Moo moo, moo. Moo moo, moo. Moo. (We have experimented with all the beings of Earth, and we have learned that you are the most intelligent and wise.)
Cartman	What the hell are they talking about?
Cow	Moo moo? (Why did you turn some of us inside out?)
Visitor	Moo moo, moo. Moo. (Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new.)
Visitor Carl	Moo...moo...moo. (Yeah, sorry about that. My bad!)
Kyle	Ike!
Visitor	Moo moo. Moo moo. Moo. (Take this device. It is a gift from us.)
	The cows look at each other and moo in agreement.
Kyle	Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!
Ike	It's my turn!
	Ike dives from the ship into the snow. The satellite goes back into Cartman's butt.
Visitor	Moo moo. Moo moo. (Farewell cows, peace be with you!)
	The Visitors disappear. The spaceship pulls Cartman up but the rope keeps him grounded.
Cartman	You guys, get me down from here!
	He farts fire, burning the rope. The tractor beam takes him into the ship and the spaceship flies away.
Cartman	Ow! Help! Sons o' bitches! Dildos!
Stan	Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle	Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike.
Ike	Oh, he fly out the sky.
	Chef's yard.
Chef	Wait, where are you going, alien Visitors? Come back!
	A blonde arrives with a brunette.
Blonde	Well, Chef, where's this amazing thing you were going to show us.
Chef	Well, it's in the bedroom, ladies. Come on in.
	Forest.
Kyle	Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner. [They leave.]
Stan	Thanks for your help, Wendy.
Wendy	Whatever, dude.
Stan	Hey, I didn't throw up.
Wendy	Cool!
	She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and that music plays again. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy.
Stan	Bleech!
	He barfs right on her face.
Wendy	Eww!
Stan	Sorry.
Wendy	Hey, look. A French fry.
Stan	Cool.
Wendy	And what is that?
Stan	I think it's part of a Cheesy Poof.
	Chef's song starts up and the camera pulls away.
Wendy	Hey, what's that?
Stan	That's uummm... a hamburger from... that's from, like, two days ago.
Wendy	Oh hey, what about that?
Stan	I don't know what the hell that is...
	Bus Stop.
Stan	Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around.
Kyle	Yeah, we're running out of friends.
Stan	I wonder what that thing was that the Visitors gave the cows.
	Cows out on a pasture.
Cows	Mooo.
Officer Barbrady	Ha ha cows! I've got you cornered. Let's see you get away now.
	One of the cows steps on the plate on the Visitor's device. A beam from the device strikes Officer Barbrady. His glasses fly off, and cheeks become rosy.
Officer Barbrady	I love to sing-a, About the moon-a and the June-a and the Spring-a, I love to sing-a, About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...
	The cows begin hopping about gleefully.
	Bus Stop. Cartman falls out of the sky, landing on his side next to Kyle and Stan.
Cartman	Puh!
Stan	Oh, hey Cartman.
Kyle	Wow Cartman, the Visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school.
Cartman	Ah, man, I had this crazy nightmare last night.
Stan	Really, what about?
Cartman	Well, I was standing out in a field, and I had this huge satellite dish sticking out of my butt. And then there was... hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
Stan	That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened.
Cartman	[Sarcastically.] Oh right, [Matter of factly.] why don't I have pinkeye then?
Kyle	Cartman, you do have pinkeye!
Cartman	Ahh, son of a bitch!
End of Cartman Gets an Anal Probe