Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut/Script

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The official script for "Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Liane Cartman
• Chief Running Water
• Sid Greenfield, Los Angeles director for America's Most Wanted
• John Walsh
• Boom Microphone Operator
• Cameraman
• Director's Assistant
• Mr. Mackey
• Gerald Broflovski
• Sheila Broflovski
• Chef
• Mr. Garrison
• Mr. Hat
• 1989/1991 Denver Broncos
• Jimbo Kern
• Ned Gerblansky
• Officer Barbrady
• Mephesto
• Kevin Mephesto
• Mayor McDaniels
• Eric Roberts
• Dr. Doctor
• Nurse Goodly
• Unplanned Parenthood Counselor
• Bill O'Reilly
• Bill Clinton

Script

Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut
	South Park.
Announcer 2	Previously, on South Park: an air of sobriety fills the laboratory as the men of South Park gather to find out which one of them fathered this boy.
	A shot of Cartman chowing down on cookies and milk.
Announcer 1	Who is Eric Cartman's father? At the end of this episode, you will know the answer.
	Opening warning and theme song. Much has been added. Then the episode resumes at the laboratory.
Mephesto	And now, to continue, the father is indeed someone in this room.
Cartman	Man, this feels like the longest minute of my life.
	Kenny is restored to the story line. Kyle notices.
Stan	Oooh- hey, Kenny.
Mephesto	Gentlemen, the father is...
	The lights go out.
Mr. Garrison	Hey, what the hell's going on?
Jimbo	It's a power outage!
	Two gunshots, then a body is heard falling. The lights go back on and the men settle down.
Chef	Is everybody okay? That sounded like a gunshot!
Officer Barbrady	Oh my God, look!
	Mephesto lies shot on the floor, his ass-headed cane next to him.
Kenny	(Oh my God, they killed Mephesto!)
Kyle	You bastards!
Mr. Garrison	Mephesto's been shot.
	Everyone gathers around Mephesto.
Chef	Is he ...dead?
	Jimbo and Ned stand near a newly broken window.
Jimbo	Hey! This window is shot out, too! That means the killer was not someone in this room!
Mr. Garrison	Then who was it?
Announcer 1	Who shot Mephesto? Was it the school counselor? Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it--
Cartman	Ey! Wait a minute! I didn't find out who my father was!
Announcer 1	Or was it Sheila Broflovski?
Chef	[Listening to Mephesto's chest.] Waait! [Getting up.] He's still breathin'! He's not dead.
Cartman	[Grabbing Mephesto's shirt.] Goddammit! Who's my father?
Chef	[About to lift Mephesto.] We've got to get him to the hospital.
Cartman	You've got to be kidding me!
Chef	Come on, children!
	Chef carries Mephesto out the door. Cartman follows.
Cartman	Eeeehh..!
Gerald Broflovski	Oh, that poor kid. It must be hell for him going through all this.
	Ms. Cartman sighs deeply and moves away.
Jimbo	There's a murderer free in South Park. We have to find out who it is before they kill again.
Mr. Garrison	Yeah. God only knows who they'll kill next.
Announcer 1	Who will they kill next? Will it be Jimbo? Barbrady? The Denver Broncos?
	Chef is driving up a hill with the kids and Mephesto.
Cartman	Is he awake yet?
Kyle	[Checking.] He's bleeding pretty bad back here.
Chef	Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel.
Kyle	What's a Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel?
Chef	I actually was with Meredith Baxter-Birney in this very car. And afterwards we used that towel to... [Mad at himself.] Wait a minute. Why am I telling you this?
Stan	Could you pull over so I can get out?
Chef	What? We have to get to the hospital.
Stan	I have to get out first. I'm not gonna make it; I can't stand hospitals.
Chef	Sorry, Stan. We just gotta drop Mephesto off and then we can get outta there, alright?
Kyle	Man, it's really starting to snow.
	The scene outside is filled with snow falling as Chef drives by.
Kyle	I hope they don't close the roads.
Cartman	They can't. Mephesto can't die.
Kyle	Maybe it's better you don't know who your father is, Cartman.
Cartman	No way, dude! I can't stand to leave things unfinished. It's like when you hear the first part of that song, "Come Sail Away", by Styx. If I hear the first part of that song, I have to finish it.
Kyle	Really?
Cartman	Yeah, du-I can't do anything until it's done.
	Kyle looks at Stan, who looks back. Kyle begins.
Kyle	I'm sailing away...
Cartman	No! Don't!
Kyle	Set an open course for the virgin sea...
	Cartman tries to resist, but the pull is just too strong.
Cartman	Eh--
	Two short gasps follow, then Cartman races through...
Cartman	For I've got to be free, Free to face the life that's ahead of me, On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard, We'll search for tomorrow, on every shore, And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry on, Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay, A gathering of angels appeared above my head, They sang to us this song of hope, And this is what they said, Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads, Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me
	The car passes a sign for Hell's Pass Hospital.
Cartman	I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise We climbed about their starship and headed for the skies Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads
	Cartman is out of breath, breathing heavily, Chef keeps driving.
Kyle	Whoa, dude!
	City Hall, first night. Sheila, Officer Barbrady, Sharon, and Jimbo are assembled before the Mayor.
Jimbo	What are we gonna do, Mayor? This killer is on the loose!
Sheila	We can't even leave our homes for fear of our children's safety.
Sharon	Uh... Where are our children?
	They look around.
Mayor McDaniels	Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcer in this town: what would he do?
Officer Barbrady	Hmmm... That's a good question, Mayor. Let me get right on that with thinking.
	A man and his boom mic operator rush in.
Man	Mayor! Mayor!
Mayor McDaniels	[Aside to an aide.] The press is here.
Sid Greenfield	My name is Sid Greenfield. I'm the director from Los Angeles for America's Most Wanted.
Mayor McDaniels	[Amazed.] Youuu certainly made it up here quickly.
Greenfield	We're desperate for stories.
	The boom mic operator thumps him.
Greenfield	A-and this one is so compelling.
Mayor McDaniels	[Aroused.] Really??
Greenfield	Sure. This story has everything. People. Furniture. Talking-ih it's a real American story.
Officer Barbrady	Hey, I thought of something. [Close-up.] Uh... no, wait, that's subtraction.
Mayor McDaniels	Mr. Director person, what exactly do you want to do?
Jimbo	Mayor, shouldn't we be focusi--
Mayor McDaniels	Shh.
Greenfield	We just want to do a recreation of the story for our show. Then we'll flash a number on the screen that people can call if they have any information regarding the identity or location of the shooter. That's it. You win, we win, America wins.
Mayor McDaniels	Are you sure this wouldn't make our little town look dangerous?
Greenfield	Don't worry, Mayor. America's Most Wanted is not about violence, it's about family.
Cameraman	It is?
Mayor McDaniels	[Thoughtfully.] Weelll, in that case, I guess it's okay!
Greenfield	Great! We'll get started with auditions immediately. What part should we cast first?
Announcer 1	Who will the director cast first? Will it be Mr. Garrison? Officer Barbrady? Chef?
	At the Unplanned Parenthood Clinic, it is snowing.
Liane	I want to have... an abortion.
Receptionist	Uoh well, we can do that. This must be a very difficult time for you, Mrs...
Liane	Cartman. Yesuh- it's such a hard decision, but I just don't feel I can raise a child in this screwy world.
Receptionist	Yes, Ms. Cartman. If you don't feel fit to raise a child, then abortion probably is the answer. Do you know the actual time of conception?
Liane	About eight years ago.
Receptionist	[Processing.] ...I sseee, so the fetus is...
Liane	Eight years old.
Receptionist	Ms. Cartman, uh- eight years old is a little late to be considering abortion.
Liane	Really?
Receptionist	Yes, this is what we would refer to as the "fortieth trimester".
Liane	But I just don't think I'm a fit mother.
Receptionist	Wuh... But we prefer to abort babies a little- ...earlier on; in fact, there's a law against abortions after the second trimester.
Liane	Well, I think you need to keep your laws off of my body.
Receptionist	Hmmmmm. Tsk, I'm afraid I can't help you, Ms. Cartman. If you want to change the law, you'll have to speak with your congressman.
Liane	[Rises from the chair.] Well, that's exactly what I intend to do. Good day!
	She leaves, meanwhile at the Hell's Pass Hospital, Chef and the children have arrived.
Chef	Come on, children! We've gotta find a doctor! [Kenny follows him in.]
Stan	[Stops.] Ugh. I can't do it, dude. [Kyle and Cartman pass him.]
Kyle	Come on, Stan. Hospitals aren't all that bad.
Cartman	Yeah, stop being a wuss!
	Operating room. A patient lies on the table, and the doctor is being assisted by a female nurse with no arms below the elbow. Chef and the kids enter.
Chef	Doctor!
Dr. Doctor	One moment, please. Nurse, I need 20 cc's of sodium pentathol, stat!
	She reaches for the syringe and grabs it with her mouth.
Kyle	Whoa, dude! She doesn't have any arms!
Dr. Doctor	We're an equal-opportunity employer here, son.
	She spits out the syringe, and he catches it along the cartridge end.
Chef	Doctor! We've got a shot cracker outside!
Dr. Doctor	I'll be right with you, right after I inject this man with a long needle.
Stan	[Pained.] Oh man. [Grabs his stomach.] I'm gonna be sick.
Dr. Doctor	There there, young man. Medical science is nothing to be afraid of.
	Squeezes out any air left in the syringe. A few drops escape, and he rams the needle into the man's side.
Stan	Oogh.
	Scraping sounds are now heard.
Nurse	Ooooo, I think you're hitting the bone.
Stan	Ooooogh.
	Dr. Doctor is still driving the syringe.
Dr. Doctor	Yes. I can hear the needle scraping against the bone inside.
	Blood starts bursting from the injection site.
Dr. Doctor	Oops, he's hemorrhaging.
	A burst lands next to Stan, who is wide-eyed at this point.
Stan	Aghh!
Dr. Doctor	[Plop.] Ooo! His head fell off.
Stan	I'm gotta get outta here!
Kyle	Stan!
Dr. Doctor	Ugh, some people just have a weak stomach.
	America's Most Wanted temporary set.
	Greenfield is accompanied by his assistant in the auditorium.
Mephesto Tryout	And the father of Eric Cartman is... Bang! Oh, Jiminy! I've been shot! [Drops the cane.]
Greenfield	Oh, thank you very much. We'll get back to you. [The actor departs.] I think I've seen enough genetic engineers. Let's move on to the auditions for the part of Mister-uhh Garrison.
Assistant	Call the Mr. Garrison auditions!
Garrison 1	Boy, I sure hope I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat 1	[Just a sock with two purple disks for eyes.] You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!
Greenfield	Alright, not bad. Let's keep him on the top pile. Next!
Mr. Garrison	I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat	You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!
Greenfield	Thank you! Next!
Mr. Garrison	[Shocked.] What?
Greenfield	Next!
	Mr. Garrison leaves, dejected, as another actor enters.
Garrison 2	[An actor with a deep voice.] I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat 2	[A fist with a face drawn on it.] You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Greenfield	Perfect! You got it! Let's move on to the Chefs!
	Mr. Garrison stands dumbstruck. Meanwhile Liane is in bed with her congressman.
Liane	...And so you see, Congressman O'Reilly, that's why I think abortion laws should be changed.
O'Reilly	Well, all I know is that third-trimester abortions are illegal. I don't really know anything about 40th.
Liane	But the person at Unplanned Parenthood said you were who I had to talk to about changing the law.
O'Reilly	No- No, I think youah gotta talk to the governor about that stuff.
Liane	Oh, dear.
	Back at the hospital, Mephest is still on the operating table, sedated.
Dr. Doctor	Well, this is about all I can do for him.
Cartman	Can't you get him to talk? I have to know who my father is.
Dr. Doctor	Sorry, son, it might be a while.
	Cartman bounds atop Mephesto and begins slapping him around.
Cartman	Wake up, you son of a bitch!
Chef	Whoa!
	Dr. Doctor lowers Cartman from atop Mephesto.
Dr. Doctor	Now, son, that's not's gonna do him any good. I'll let you know if there's a change in his condition.
Cartman	I can't wait anymore. What am I supposed to do?
Kyle	Hey, Cartman.
Cartman	What?
Kyle	I'm sailing ay...
Cartman	--way; Set an open course for the virgin sea For I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard...
Stan	Okay okay, let's get outta here now!
Cartman	...We'll search for tomorrow on every shore...
Kyle	[Looking out at the snow storm.] I don't know if that's gonna be too easy.
Cartman	...And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry on...
Dr. Doctor	My God, that's a hell of a storm.
Cartman	I look to the sea; Reflections-- --in the waves spark my memory...
Stan	Oh, weak.
	Kenny looks up towards the window.
Cartman	...Some happy, some sad; I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had We lived happily forever, so the--
	Back at the studio, auditions have ended, Greenfield is looking at the storm.
Greenfield	God, I hate mountains. This better not push back our shooting schedule.
	The actors for Mephesto, Barbrady, and Chef are on the laboratory stage. Greenfield takes the megaphone.
Greenfield	Okay, people, let's rehearse the reenactment from the top before we shoot it.
	Greenfield sees a new actor and turns to his assistant.
Greenfield	Who's that?
Assistant	Oh, that's TV's Eric Roberts. We were able to get him to play the part of the little monkey guy.
Greenfield	Whoa. Talk about "all washed-up", huh? Great to have you, Eric!
	Eric Roberts stops munching a doughnut long enough to wave and smile.
Greenfield	Here we go, aaand action.
Mephesto Actor	I want to announce who the father is.
Greenfield	Bang!!
Mephesto Actor	Oh, I've been shot! [Falls over.]
Barbrady Actor	Nobody move! I'm a law officer!
Chef Actor	My God, I think he's gone into cardiac arrest!
Mephesto Actor	[As Chef Actor speaks] Whoaw..!
Barbrady Actor	You seem somewhat unnerved by this, Chef.
Chef Actor	Are you accusing me, Barbrady? Because if you are accusing me, don't hide behind your clever riddles!
Barbrady Actor	Our differences must be set aside for now, Mr. Chef. I'm simply a man, a man trying to do my job.
Officer Barbrady	Whoa, this is a good movie!
	Back at the hospital.
Cartman	Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me-hee
	The boys are in the emergency room with a bunch of patients bleeding, getting nauseous, etc.
Stan	Ohh. Dude, when can we get out of here?
	The doctor bursts through the emergency doors with the nurse, a blonde is bleeding from a gash on her neck.
Blonde	Doctor, I can't focus!
Dr. Doctor	We're doing the best we can, ma'am. They've closed the pass and none of the other doctors can get through. For now, it's just me, and Nurse Goodly.
	She tosses the stethoscope around for a better hold.
Chef	Wait a second. They've closed the pass??
Dr. Doctor	Yes, I'm afraid we're critically understaffed. Unless we get help soon, all these people in here are completely fucked.
	Everyone turns to him and gasps. He quickly retracts.
Dr. Doctor	Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Cartman	What about Mephesto? Are you taking care of him?
Dr. Doctor	He's on full life-support and breathing fine. He shouldn't need any help - so long as the power doesn't go out.
	Bzht. Everything goes black.
Dr. Doctor	Oof. Who didn't see that coming a mile away, huh?
	Show time! A siren rotates, there's a hold-up and a helicopter zooms in on a raid from above. There's also a ground shot of the arrest. Lady Justice appears. A suspect is thrown behind bars.
Voice-over	Tonight, on America's Most Wanted, a shooter is on the loose in Colorado, and its residents are up in arms! Here's your host, John Walsh.
John Walsh	Good evening and welcome to America's Most Wanted. Tonight: terror invaded the small mountain community of South Park, Colorado, when Dr. Alphonse Mephesto [His picture appears.] was gunned down in his laboratory. America's Most Wanted has reconstructed this heinous crime [The South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch is seen.] in hopes that your calls could help solve the case.
	A reenactment plays.
Mephesto Actor	[Pfff. The actors flinch and he throws away the cane] I've been shot!
Garrison Actor	[Catches him.] My God, Mr. Hat! Get some help!
Mr. Hat Actor	Right away, Mr. Garrison.
Eric Roberts as Kevin	No, no! My lifetime partner and friend, gone, taken away in the wink of an eye. O, Fortune, why do you mock me?
Greenfield	What the--? Bu-eh. Eric Roberts is improvising lines again!
Chef Actor	I'm going to get the man to a hospital. Who will help me?
Eric Roberts	This is not a world I want to live in! Doesn't anyone want--
Greenfield	God-dammit!
	Outside, a pine tree falls on the studio's power lines. The lights dim and all action comes to a halt.
Greenfield	What the hell is this?!
Cameraman	We've lost the feed to L.A.
John Walsh	Uuuhm... We-we seem to have lost our linkup to the South Park crew, sso I guess we'll be going to our featured movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Announcer 1	Who framed Roger Rabbit? Was it Jimbo? Mr. Garrison? Chef?
Greenfield	Somebody go see why we lost the hookup!
	The doors fly open and snow is swept in.
Jimbo	Holy smokes, that blizzard is getting crazy!
	Back at the hospital. Lights can be seen in most of the rooms. Inside, the backup generator has come online and everyone is running around.
Nurse Goodly	Don't panic, anybody. The power lines are down, but the backup generator is running just fine.
Dr. Doctor	[Opening the operating room doors wide.] Nurse, I could use some help in here!
Goodly	Coming!
	Cartman stands in her way stopping her.
Cartman	Lady-m? Is Mephesto gonna be okay?
Goodly	Yes, for now. But I'm afraid the generator won't run for long. The batteries run out in half an hour. Time is very short.
Dr. Doctor	Nurse, please! I need another pair of hands in here!
	She looks at him and glares.
Dr. Doctor	Oh, sorry.
	Liane at the Governor's mansion, in bed with him.
Liane	Don't you see, Governor? I should have a right to have an abortion if I want one.
Governor	[Smoking.] Mmaarr. I don't know-uh, I might need some more convincing, hm-hm-hm.
	He edges closer to her.
Liane	I mean, what right do I have bringing another child into this overpopulated world? Then again, I should've thought of that before having sex. then againuh-- Oh, I just don't know...
	Back at the hospital.
Dr. Doctor	Please, Mr. Chef. I've over 100 people to attend to an-and only myself and Nurse Goodly.
Chef	What do you want me to do?
Dr. Doctor	Do you know anything about surgery?
Chef	I used to watch Quincy.
Dr. Doctor	What?! Why the hell didn't you say so? Put on some scrubs! Boys, I'm making you all honorary doctors. You can help us save these people's lives.
Stan	No way, dude!
	America's Most Wanted studio, in the dark, Jimbo opens the door and a pile of snow pours in on him.
Jimbo	Well, [Opens his right eye.] we're not going anywhere for a loong time.
Greenfield	We're snowed in?
Mayor McDaneils	Yes. We're trapped!
Mr. Garrison	[Snuggling up to Greenfield.] Like sailors on a submarine.
Mayor McDaniels	My God, this is the worst storm I've ever seen.
Assistant	Oh I have to get out of here, I haven't eaten since breakfast.
Officer Barbrady	Yeah, I'm gettin' hungry, too. [Rubs his belly.]
Jimbo	I hope you all realize what we might be facing here.
	Everyone is now focused on Jimbo.
Jimbo	Our only option might be to... eat each other to stay alive.
	Gasps are heard all around.
Greenfield	Uuuhh, it's only been like, four hours. Aren't you resorting to cannibalism a little quickly?
Jimbo	That's the law of land, Mr. Director. It ain't pretty, but if a few of us must die so the rest can stay alive, so be it.
Mayor McDaniels	Buut, how do we decide "who"?
Jimbo	Well, we draw straws.
Greenfield	Now, wait a minute. We all had a big breakfast: can't you people go without eating for a little while?
Jimbo	Calm down, soldier! We need every person here to keep his head! Barbrady, fetch some straws.
Greenfield	Well- who the hell made you the boss anyway?
Announcer 1	Who the hell made Jimbo boss? Was it Barbrady? Chef? Mr. Gar--
	Same night, the hospital. The doctor is operating with his motley crew. Stan and Kyle are on one side, Cartman and Kenny are on the other. Chef stands at one end of the table between Cartman and Kyle, and the doctor is at the other end.
Dr. Doctor	Miles' appendix has burst. I have no choice but to operate now with our limited power. I need you all to be strong for me. [Stan raises his brows.] Nurse Goodly will take care of the anesthesia. Chef, you act as her arms. [He withdraws.] Boys, you have to help with suction and bandages. Ready?
Stan	No.
Dr. Doctor	Okay. First, I'll make an incision on the chest, over the heart.
Stan	[Queasily.] Oh boy.
	The doctor slices the flesh vertically over the X he has marked over the heart. It splits open and Stan removes his mask.
Stan	Bleech!
	The vomit goes right into the open incision.
Kyle	Duhuhude! You barfed into the incision!
Cartman	Sweet.
Dr. Doctor	Suction!
	Kenny places the suction cup over the incision. The power begins to flicker, and he removes the cup.
Cartman	Hey, who's screwing with the lights?
Announcer 1	Who is screwing with the lights? Is it Barbrady? Or Jimbo? Or the 1991 Denver Broncos?
Cartman	[To Kenny.] That is really starting to piss me off.
	America's Most Wanted studio, nighttime. Barbrady stands holding the straws.
Jimbo	Alright. So far, everybody has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing. [Draws.] Whew.
Mr. Garrison	[Draws] Whew.
	Sees that his straw is short and throws it away, behind himself.
Officer Barbrady	Wooo!
Jimbo	Wait a minute! Where the hell is the short one?
Officer Barbrady	The short what?
Jimbo	Dammit, Barbrady! When you draw straws, you're supposed to have one of them short! That's how you decide who loses!
Barbrady	That's not how I played it!
Mr. Garrison	Uuugh, could we hurry this up? My stomach is growling.
	Back at the hospital.
Dr. Doctor	I found a map that shows the location of a backup generator. Apparently, they built a large self-sustaining generator- for just this kind of emergency. But it's out and away from the hospital.
Chef	So how do we get to it?
Dr. Doctor	We must split up into two teams: Team A, and Team B. Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny.
	Kenny is stunned. The doctor pats his head.
Dr. Doctor	Now, listen closely, Team B. Your goal will be to turn on the backup generator. To do this you must brave the storm outside and get into this sewage duct.
	Dr. Doctor points it out to him on the map.
Dr. Doctor	Meanwhile, Team A will go to the holding area, here [Points to it.] where there is a television, and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage duct. By that time, Team B- remember, that's you, Kenny- should reach the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climb to the top, and there could be velociraptors- here.
	He points to an area between the holding area and the generator.
Dr. Doctor	Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view from this windows of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then, you could proceed down into the generator, and power it on. Are there any questions?
Cartman	Nnoh, that sounds pretty sweet to me.
Dr. Doctor	Great, then, let's do it. Go, Team!
Kenny	(Huh?)
	The studio.
Mr. Garrison	I... can't... go on... eh. So... hungry...
Mayor McDaniels	We're all going to die in this horrible place. [She covers her eyes.]
Jimbo	We have to have the energy to make it through the night. We have to eat.
Greenfield	How can we? How could we live with ourselves?
Jimbo	There's only one answer: eat Eric Roberts. [He's shown squatting on the floor.]
Mayor McDaniels	[Thoughtfully.] Yes, of course. Nobody gives a shit about Eric Roberts.
Mr. Garrison	[Madly] Eat Eric Roberts!
	The rest of the group goes mad, Ned gets up and everyone prepares to do him in.
Eric Roberts	No! No, please!
	Later. Eric's arms, legs, and head have been removed, and bees hover around the corpse.
Mayor McDaniels	Well, there's no going back now. [Ned and Jimbo keep eating.] We're cannibals. [Someone burps.] God save us.
Jimbo	God wants you to live, Mayor. Fight!
Assistant	[Coolly.] Well I have to admit, Eric Roberts was much juicier than I expected.
Greenfield	[Miffed.] Aaww.
Mr. Garrison	This snow just isn't letting up. We're gonna die here, I know it.
Jimbo	What time is it, Barbrady?
Barbrady	It's almost midnight.
Mr. Garrison	Oh! I can't... go on. [Drops to his side.]
Jimbo	We'll give the storm another hour. After that, we might have to eat again.
Greenfield	What? Christ, are you people diabetic or something?
	The hospital. Kenny has made it through the tunnel and exits the manhole. He's pretty soiled. He turns on his communicator.
Dr. Doctor	Team B? Come in, Team B.
Kenny	(This is Team B.)
Dr. Doctor	Listen, Team B. We've found another path to the generator. There's actually a nice heated walkway to it, so you don't need to walk through all that sewage.
Kenny	(Are you fuckin' telling me that I could've fuckin' gone that way?!)
Dr. Doctor	Oh... Well, forget I said that, then. Listen, Team B, you should be seeing a large drift of snow with some metal sticking out of it just to your left.
Kenny	(Yup! I see it in the drift.)
Dr. Doctor	Good. Head towards it. Team A out.
Cartman	What if Mephesto never wakes up, and I never find out who my father is?
	Kenny heads toward the generator and a dinosaur casts its shadow on both of them.
	The studio. Ned, Jimbo and the Mayor are eating again. The camera shows that Greenfield and the assistant have joined Eric Roberts as casualties to cannibalism. Barbrady is seen working on a leg and some ribs.
Mayor McDaniels	My God, what a harrowing tale of human drama this is. All of us doing what we must to survive.
Jimbo	It is amazing what people can do under stress. Just look at the pyramids. Nobody knows how they built those, or who.
Announcer 1	Who built the pyramids? Was it the Babylonians? Officer Barbrady? Samaritans?
	The generator. Kenny has opened the door and is ready for new orders.
Kenny	(Okay, I've reached the generator)
Dr. Doctor	Roger, Team B. [To Team A.] He's reached the backup generator. [To Kenny.] Team B, can you see the two copper nodes?
Kenny	(Roger.)
Dr. Doctor	Good. Now, is there a wire connecting them?
Kenny	(Negative.)
Dr. Doctor	Damn! The wire connecting the nodes is gone! We need to complete the circuit between them, or we're screwed.
Kyle	D'you have any wire here?
Dr. Doctor	There's no time! Once these lights flicker out all the patients on life-support are going to die!
Kenny	(I'll stick 'em together)
Dr. Doctor	No, Kenny, you can't. There must be some other way! He's going to make the connection himself, with his hands.
Kyle	No, he'll die!
Cartman	Go, Kenny!
Dr. Doctor	Kenny! Nnnoooooo!
Kenny	(Goodbbyyyyee-ugh!)
Stan	Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle	You bastard!
	The lights stabilize.
Chef	The power!
Dr. Doctor	Quickly! Get the scanner running again!
	The scanner is brought in.
Dr. Doctor	We've got a chance now!
	The White House. Liane has bedded her way up to the President, and she's in bed with him now.
President Bill Clinton	Well, okay, Mrs. Cartman, I'll legalize 40th trimester abortions for you.
Liane	[Relieved and joyful.] Oh, thank you, thank you.
Clinton	We'll have the pregnancy terminated immediately. [Her eyes widen.]
Liane	[Pulls back.] Terminated?
Clinton	Why yes, that's what an abortion is.
Liane	Oh no uh- I didn't mean that. I meant the other thing you can do-what's that other A word?
Clinton	Adoption?
Liane	Yess, that's what I mean. Adoption.
Clinton	Well, that's- pretty different.
Liane	Oh, I should tell my son the truth about everything myself. Good day, Mr. President.
	She quickly leaves the bed. Now to a Colorado sunrise.
Dr. Doctor	Well, we made it. The power is on, the snow is melting, and your friend Mephesto is doing fine.
Mephesto	[Coming to.] Where... where am I?
Chef	You're at the hospital, Mr. Mephesto. You were shot. Now, we don't know who tried to shoot you, but--
Mephesto	Ohh. I'm sure it was my brother again. He tries to shoot me every month.
Chef	Ooohhh.
Dr. Doctor	Where's the little fat boy? He'll be delighted that Mephesto's awake.
Chef	He went off looking for Mr. Kenny.
	Outside, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are at the generator. I guess the raptors have left.
Stan	He was a good friend, and I'll miss him.
Kyle	He was very brave. He risked his life so that Mephesto could live.
Cartman	Yeah. And now he's a freezy-pop.
	Kenny is shown iced over, and the boys simply stare.
Stan	[To Kyle.] Dude! D'you think if we hit him with a shovel, he'd shatter?
Kyle	I don't know. Let's find out.
	"Ave Maria" begins to play. Jimbo is the first to shovel his way out of the studio. Mr. Garrison follows, then Ned, then the Mayor, then...
Mr. Garrison	Ohh. It's over! We're free!
Officer Barbrady	Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost?
Jimbo	Listen, everybody. We did what we had to in there.
Mayor McDaniels	But- hhhow will we live with ourselves now?
Ned	Mm-one day at a time, Mayor. Mm-one day at a time.
Singer	[A la Aaron Neville] Ave Maria... [The camera pulls back, and back...]
Mr. Garrison	Well, I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggie bag. Does anybody else want some?
	The hospital. Mephesto is recuperating, and Kevin is back at his side. All the possible fathers are present, including the Denver Broncos.
Mephesto	I'm glad that you could all come. I can finally reveal who the father of Eric Cartman is. But first, I want to thank Kenny McCormick for sacrificing his life--
Cartman	Just tell us already!
Mephesto	Alright alright. The father of Eric Cartman is... Say, did anybody see that Terrance and Phillip special last month? Wasn't that just the funniest thing--
Cartman	[Boiling.] Dammit! Tell me who my father is already!
Mephesto	Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this room. The father is... Mrs. Cartman. [All gasp.]
Chef	What???
Liane	[Back with her cookies.] Yes, it's true.
Mr. Garrison	Noo, that doesn't make sense!
Mephesto	Yes. It took quite a while for me to understand as well. You see, Mrs. Cartman is a hermaphrodite. [She looks guilty.]
Mr. Garrison	Uh-meaning what?
Mephesto	Meaning that she has both male and female genitals.
Liane	It's true.
Chef	You mean, at the Drunken Barn Dance, when we all got together with her, she was a he?!
Mephesto	No no, not exactly. But she did have a penis.
	Ned, Barbrady, and Chef vomit. The rest just cup their mouths. Gerald is shocked.
Mephesto	The fact of the matter is, hermaphrodites cannot bear children, so Mrs. Cartman's DNA match with Eric can only mean that she is his father, and she got another woman pregnant at the Drunken Barn Dance.
Cartman	Ugh. Man, this is fuckin' weak.
Stan	Dude! You're a big fatass, and your mom's a hermapholite!
Liane	I'm sorry I never told you, Eric.
	Eric and Stan look up at her.
Liane	I just thought, maybe it would be a little shocking to you.
Cartman	Oh, wow, gee whiz, you think so, Mom?!
Mephesto	Well, that's that. Thank you all for playing.
Cartman	No no, wait a minute! If... if she's my dad, then... who's my mom?!
Announcer 1	Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Mrs. Crabtree? Sheila Broflovski? The Mayor?
Cartman	Ooohhh, forget it!
End of Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut