Cartman's Life Lessons are a series of short introductions that precede episodes found in the South Park: The Cult of Cartman DVD.
Each intro begins with a white screen, with a "Lesson #" in an elegant text appearing on top. Eric Cartman walks in from the right of the screen and explains each of his lessons. They give a hint on how the plot of their respective episodes would run.
In some introductions, Cartman will mention that "we all die in 2012", referencing the 2012 Doomsday prophecy.
Script[]
| Cartman's Life Lessons | |
| Lesson One: "Retaliate a thousand fold." ("Scott Tenorman Must Die") | |
| Lesson One. When somebody does you wrong, you must be prepared to retaliate a thousand fold. And, pubic hair isn't something you buy, you actually grow it on your body when you get older. | |
| Lesson Two: "Never take a joke too far." ("AWESOM-O") | |
| Lesson Two. Never take a joke too far, no matter how funny it is. Hitler learnt this lesson the hard way. | |
| Lesson Three: "Know what awaits you in heaven." ("The Death of Eric Cartman"} | |
| Lesson Three. What awaits us all in heaven is eternal bliss. You'll find rest, and, $10,000 in cash. And remember, we all die in 2012. | |
| Lesson Four: "Use racial tolerance to get what you want." ("Cartoon Wars Part I") | |
| Lesson Four. If you really hate something, use racial tolerance as an excuse to destroy it. Liberals are masters of this. | |
| Lesson Five: "Family Guy sucks balls." ("Cartoon Wars Part II") | |
| Lesson Five. Family Guy sucks my balls. Here endeth the lesson. | |
| Lesson Six: "Never swear on television." ("Le Petit Tourette") | |
| Lesson Six. You should never swear on television. Especially if when you were younger, your cousin and yourself were curious and touched wieners. | |
| Lesson Seven: "Stay HIV positive." ("Tonsil Trouble") | |
| Lesson Seven. Even in your darkest moments, try to stay HIV positive. There's nothing an HIV positive mind can't overcome. | |
| Lesson Eight: "Never give up on cheating." ("Eek, A Penis!") | |
| Lesson Eight. Cheating is the way to get ahead. But if you get caught, you can't stop cheating, or else you will lose the Superbowl. Right, Bill? | |
| Lesson Nine: "People will always find a way to ruin your good time." ("Cartmanland") | |
| Lesson Nine. No matter how great you tried to make your life, people will find a way to fuck it up for you. And remember, we all die in 2012. | |
| Lesson Ten: "Do not pretend to be handicapped." ("Up the Down Steroid") | |
| Lesson Ten. Do not pretend to be handicapped. Because it isn't fair to people who really are handicapped. Like Kanye West. | |
| Lesson Eleven: "Have a super fun time all the time." ("Super Fun Time") | |
| Lesson Eleven. No matter who it hurts, do whatever you can to have a super fun time all the time. Because we all die in 2012. | |
| Lesson Twelve: "Kids with red hair and freckles have no souls." ("Ginger Kids") | |
| The final and most important lesson. Do not trust the Jews. [pauses] Oh, and kids with red hair and freckles have no souls. And we all die in 2012. | |
| End of Cartman's Life Lessons | |