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"City People/Script" | "Back To The Cold War/Script" | "Help, My Teenager Hates Me!/Script" | 
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Cast
- Butters Stotch
- Wendy Testaburger
- Clyde Donovan
- Herbert Garrison
- Mr. Mackey
- Mrs. Mackey Senior
- PC Principal
- Stephen Stotch
- Linda Stotch
- Davey Solokov
- Vladimir Putin
- NORAD Director
- NORAD Employees
- Kremlin Men
- Sergei Shoigu
- Dressage Girls
- Katie
- Kelly
- Josslyn and Staci Mae
- Dressage Instructor
- Dressage Referee
- Narrator
Script
| Back To The Cold War | |
| South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's classroom, daytime. All the students are taking their seats getting ready for class. Mr. Garrison walks inside, ready to begin today's lesson. | |
| Okay children, let's take our seats. [grabs a stool and sits down] I know there's a lot of things going on and we're all a little bit worried. I've heard some of you express concern over current events, so I think we should discuss what's happening. It is true – Rick and I did get into a fight over the weekend. [the class is silent] Now, I don't know what you've heard and what you haven't, but Rick was wrong, okay? He's the one that needs to apologize. | |
| We're not worried about that, we're all worried about Putin. | |
| Putin? It was just a little noise when I pulled out. Nobody was "pootin", okay? And anyway, you kids shouldn't be talking about that kind of stuff! Geez! | |
| [opens the classroom door] Uh, kids! I need your attention! We're doing an emergency drill this morning, m'kay? | |
| A drill? | |
| M'kay, now, we haven't done these in a long time, but we need to be prepared if the Russians decide to nuke us. Now, when you hear this sound... | |
| [on the intercom] The Russians are nuking us. | |
| ...then you need to quickly and calmly get out of your seats and get to the gymnasium, m'kay? | |
| [intercom] The Russians are nuking us. [For a few moments, the classroom is silent and they all look confused....] | |
| [loudly] The Russians are fucking nuking us! Go! Go, go go! [he points to the exit of the classroom] We're all gonna die! [the kids begin to rush out] Come on! Come on! The missiles are coming! They've lost their minds! Run! Get to the gym! Get to the gym! [he opens another classroom door] Come on, we're getting nuked! Everyone to the gym! It's our only chance! | |
| The children get to the gymnasium in a panic. | |
| Under the bleachers! Go! Come on, move! Everyone's going to die! | |
| All the kids get under the gymnasium bleachers and the screaming stops. A kid sneaks his head out to check outside of the bleachers. | |
| M'kay. That was... 22 seconds. That's not bad, m'kay. Now, if this were real, we would just all stay here and wait to hear from our government and maybe, maybe listen to some appropriate music. Like we did back in the ‘80s. | |
| Music begins to play. While the song plays out, Mr. Mackey starts dancing. | |
Take your baby by the hand, | |
| An ‘80s style logo appears on screen. "South Park: Back To The Cold War!" A narrator is also heard. | |
| South Park. Back To The Cold War. Starring... | |
| Brief images of Butters, Linda, Stephen, a horse named Melancholy and Vladamir Putin appear on screen as the song continues on in the background. | |
| Butters! Stephen and Linda Stotch! Melancholy, the horse! And the comedy of Vladimir Putin! | |
| Dancehall days, love... | |
| Park County Equestrian Facility, day. Dressage practice seems to be going on. Other kids are riding their ponies, practicing for an upcoming competition. | |
| Hi, Katie! | |
| Hi, Kelly! | |
| Oh my gosh, Pixie looks so pretty today! | |
| Thanks! I braided my pony's tail. | |
| Hi, Josslyn! Hi, Staci Mae! | |
| Hi, Butters. | |
| Alright, pony riders. We've got a big competition this weekend, so let's line up and do our rails. | |
| All the kids begin to prepare for practice. Butters approaches Linda and Stephen who are watching him from a distance. | |
| Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! | |
| Don't wave at us, Butters! [to Linda] Judges hate when they wave. He needs to not do that. | |
| Okay, Staci Mae, nice trot. Here comes the jump. [the horse successfully makes the jump] Good! Very nice. Okay, next. [next one makes the jump as well] Good, Heather. That's good control of Sunshine. Good. Okay, Butters. Come on, you're next. | |
| Come on, Butters. Come on! [Butters' horse barely makes the jump and pole clunks slightly] Oh! He clunked it! It's okay... It's okay. Good job, Butters. Good job. Fuck! [to Linda] We should just pull Butters out of dressage. He sucks at this. | |
| Oh, we can't pull him out. He loves it. | |
| Don't you understand, Linda? I'm scared. The big competition is this weekend. Butters will be going up against the Russians. [Linda looks in worry] | |
| Oh, look, here comes the Russian now. [A Russian kid comes out of the horse stables] | |
| Boo! | |
| Boo, Russia! Boooo! [Linda pulls out a poster of Vladimir Putin's face crossed out] | |
| Hey, what are you booing a little kid for? | |
| Don't you know who that is? That's Dan Solokov's kid! Dan Solokov? Who works at the Ace Hardware over in Meeker? Even the kid's pony is a Russian Etruscan! [turns to Solokov's kid] You piece-a-shit communist! You won't take our freedoms away! Boo, Russia! | |
| Mr. Mackey's office. He is sitting back in his office chair as he listens to music. He seems to be immersed in the song. | |
| Games without frontiers... | |
| [singing along] "War without tears... Jeux sans frontiers..." [a knock is heard] Yeah? | |
| The door opens. PC Principal is seen outside of the office, holding papers in his hands. | |
| Mr. Mackey, I'd like to have a word with you. | |
| Oh, yeah, yes, of course, PC Principal. [he turns down the volume of his radio] | |
| I see that you've, uh, called for another nuclear emergency drill this afternoon? | |
| Yes, that's right. We are going to be prepared. | |
| Well, Mr. Mackey, this is the seventh drill that we've done in two days. And I see that you also put in the budget for a bomb shelter and 20 VHS copies of "Red Dawn". | |
| VHS is still really the best format when you think about it. | |
| Mr. Mackey, I'm starting to worry that this is sort of... nostalgic for you, like you're kind of enjoying this. | |
| [looking angry] Enjoying it? My job is to have this school ready. Kids need to know what Russia is capable of. Оставь меня в покое (Leave me alone). | |
| [raising an eyebrow] You speak Russian? | |
| No, but I've watched Hunt For Red October like 200 times. | |
| Mr. Mackey, I am not asking you. I'm telling you – stop with all the drills and stop putting ideas into our students' heads. | |
| No, you – you're right, of course. I'm – I'm over-reacting. | |
| Okay. | |
| M'kay... | |
| PC Principal leaves and mysterious music begins to play. Mr. Mackey checks to see if the coast is clear and makes his way out of his office. He passes by Mr. Adler and quickly enters PC Principal's office. Once he is inside, Mr. Mackey rummages through the office, hoping to find intel on PC Principal. He opens a file cabinet and snaps pictures of various files. | |
| Park County Equestrian Facility. Another day of practice is under way. Butters and his parents walk in with Melancholy. | |
| Alright, Butters, you've just got two more days before the dressage competition. | |
| I'll do my best, Dad! | |
| You're gonna have to do better than that, Butters. You see that little Russian kid over there? [he points at Solokov's kid] That kid doesn't give a shit about you. He just wants to win and take what little patriotism our country has left. | |
| That kid? | |
| You didn't live through the Cold War, Butters, but we did. This tournament is going to be turned into a political spectacle, and we have to win. Otherwise, I'm afraid we'll have to give your pony away to communists who slaughter ponies and donkeys to make skin cream. That's mostly the Chinese, but a commie's a commie. | |
| Better dead than red, Butters. | |
| Oh, Jesus! Not Melancholy! | |
| Now, that little prick is trying to intimidate you. I want you to go in there and show him how an American rides! | |
| [he clicks his tongue] Come on, boy! [Melancholy stops and begins pooping on the floor] | |
| Butters! Butters, what the hell are you doing?! | |
| Well, I dunno! | |
| You have to learn to control! | |
| [tongue clicking] Come on, Melancholy, come on! [A slide whistle is heard and Melancholy gets a boner] | |
| Ewwww! | |
| Butters, what the hell is that?! | |
| What is what? [he looks down] Oh, geez! Put that thing away, Melancholy! | |
| [softly] Jesus, Linda, what are we gonna do? | |
| Mr Mackey's office. Mr. Mackey is looking through images of PC Principal in the hopes to find something that could deem suspicious. He takes notes as he does so. | |
| What are you up to, you piece of shit? | |
| Moments later, Butters comes inside his office, looking down a bit sadly. | |
| Hello, sir. I just needed to talk to somebody. I've been having some problems at home. | |
| [disinterested] Uh-huh, m'kay, that's nice. That's good to hear. Why don't you just, uh, sit there and tell me about it? | |
| Well, it's just my parents. You see, a few months ago, I saw this little girl riding a pony and I said, "Whoa! I wanna do that!" | |
| Uh huh... | |
| So we found a stable and a trainer, and I started to learn dressage. And I got to lease a pony, and his name is Melancholy. | |
| Yeah. Yeah, that must be tough. I'm sorry to hear that, m'kay. | |
| Well, I love to ride Melancholy. But now I'm feeling all this pressure to win. My parents said I have to win because it's against the Russians. | |
| M'kay, we – the what? [menacing music plays] | |
| It's the Russians. I mean, I guess they're just really good at dressage, but now my dad says it's a matter of national security. | |
| M'kay. Butters. Don't move your head. | |
| Don't move my head? I – | |
| Uh, uh! They're probably watching us, so keep acting like you're asking me for help. | |
| Well, o-okay, but I kind of am asking you for help, ya know, because I'm feeling really lost and miserable. | |
| That's good. Now listen carefully. What did your parents tell you? | |
| Well, they said if I don't do well at dressage, it could mean the end of all of our freedoms. | |
| Jesus Christ... M'kay! Well, Butters, you know sometimes troubles at home can be bad, m'kay. [he kneels next to Butters and whispers to him] I need you to tell me everything you know about dressage. | |
| Park County Equestrian Facility, the next day. Butters walks with Melancholy on the track. | |
| We need to have a serious talk, Melancholy, and I need you to listen. [he stops walking and turns to look at Melancholy] There's a time to poop, and there's a time to work. And the best thing is to poop when your work is done. I-It's like when I'm in the classroom, sometimes I have to poop, but I have to wait until lunch break. If I really have to go, I can raise my hand and ask politely. But if you start to poop while we're competin', the judges are gonna deduct points. And then the Russians will beat us, and then you're gonna get turned into Chinese skin cream! [he approaches Melancholy to pet him] We have to do this, Melancholy. You and me have to focus like never before. Now, let's go show them what we can do! [he gets on the horse saddle with a look of determination on his face] Let's go! [he clicks his tongue] | |
| Uplifting music begins to play as Butters rides through the track. He smiles. | |
| That's it! You got it, boy! | |
| Abruptly, the music ends and Melancholy stops to poop on the floor. | |
| Nope! Nope! Melancholy! Over the jump, boy! [he attempts to make Melancholy go forward, but no luck] Come on, Melancholy! [Melancholy begins to trot away] What? W-Where are you going? [Butters tries to gain control of Melancholy] Melancholy, back to the jump! Whoa, Melancholy, Whoa!! W-What are you doing now? | |
| Melancholy approaches another horse, and a blow whistle sound is heard again. Melancholy jumps on the horse, and... | |
| Now I'm not sure what's going on here. [the girl on the other horse screams as this continues on] No! No! No! Melancholy! Bad pony! I'm sorry, ma'am! Melancholy, to the jump! | |
| A shot of icy mountains, the camera pans to the Solokov's house while Russia's National Anthem plays. The montage shows scenes of Davey practicing dressage in his backyard, as well as him and his parents eating, until Mr. Mackey shows up in the window. | |
Россия - священная наша держава, | |
| 80's music plays, Mr. Mackey stealthily walks towards the stable where Davey's horse is. Someone points a gun at the back of his head. | |
| What are you doing here? | |
| Don't shoot... I-I'm just the school counselor...[he turns around and sees] Mr. Stotch? | |
| Mr. Mackey? What the hell are you doing here?! | |
| What the hell are you doing here? | |
| I'll ask the questions, I've got the gun! | |
| [Linda walks out from behind the hay] We were just... having a look around...we weren't going to mess with the Russian pony. I-I promise. | |
| Shut up, Linda! | |
| Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, you know—your son has been having some problems on the playground at school. | |
| What kind of problems? | |
| Well, you know...bullies, and, uh, pressure for marihuana, you know, with—[Mr. Mackey takes the gun from Stephen] Don't fucking move! | |
| [raise their hands] Aaah! | |
| Now, I want some Goddamn answers! | |
| So, you want them to win, huh? You're a traitor! | |
| I'm not the traitor! | |
| Yeah, right...since when do you care about dressage?! | |
| Since I found out the principal is a Russian spy. | |
| A what?! | |
| There's something very big going on here, and I think it involves your son. | |
| Mr. Mackey... we were just here to try and give that pony diarrhea by feeding it Erewhon. | |
| It's the truth! [Linda shows a paper bag that reads Erewhon] | |
| We're on your side. | |
| [Mr. Mackey lowers the gun] I think I understand what's going on now... The Communists are gonna use the pony show as justification... to fire the missiles. | |
| Park County Equestrian Facility. | |
| Welcome, everyone, to the 10 and under pony dressage finals. We want to thank everyone for coming out today to support these little riders. | |
| This is it, Melancholy. We have to do this. We have to be classy. We're not gonna poop, we're not gonna get a boner, and we're certainly not gonna have unwarranted sex with the ladies. Please, boy... we have got to get this right. | |
| Mr. Mackey's childhood home. | |
| Hi, mom. | |
| Well, hi, junior! What a surprise, m'kay! | |
| Mom, I need to use something in my old room. | |
| Well, sure, come on in! | |
| House's second floor. | |
| Everything is still just as you left it, son. | |
| Mackey enters his room, 80's music starts playing. We get to see all the different 80's paraphernalia that Mackey has. | |
| Mom, I think World War 3 is about to start. I'm gonna do what I can to protect our country! | |
| Oh, uh, m'kay, honey, I'll make you a snack. | |
| Mackey turns on his ancient computer, who says, "hello, Mr. Mackey". Mackey turns on the dial up and initializes the modem. | |
| Norad Colorado Springs. Inside, the screens turn off. Mackey sends a message in saying, "the Russians are nuking us." | |
| What the hell was that? | |
| Someone from the outside is logged into the missile defense system! | |
| Well, kick them out! Shut off the Wi-Fi! | |
| It's not coming in on Wi-Fi! It's some old, archaic technology! | |
| [says what he types] X equals "The Russians are nuking us." Print X, goto 10. Run. | |
| Wooah! | |
| What are they trying to do?! | |
| It's just repeating the same line over and over. How did they get it to do that?! | |
| Sir! The computers are taking us to DEFCON 3! | |
| [alarms start blaring, Butter's dressage competition shows on the screen] Jesus Christ... it's dressage. | |
| At the Kremlin in Moscow. | |
| Товарищ! Американцы взяли NORAD на DEFKON 3! (Comrade! The Americans have taken NORAD to DEFCON 3!) | |
| DEFCON 3?! | |
| Мы должны показать это президенту Путину! (We must show this to President Putin!) | |
| Президент Путин нездоров. В последнее время он выглядит грустно-ностальгичным (President Putin is not well. He seems sadly nostalgic lately). [he knocks on the door] Президент Путин! (President Putin!) [he knocks on the door] | |
| They open the door, inside is Putin dancing to "Two Tribes" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. | |
When two tribes go to war | |
| Butters' dressage competition, the song keeps playing in the background. Butters gets the first rail right, people cheer. Davey also gets it right and people don't react, except for Stephen, who gets pissed. | |
Cowboy number one | |
| [Butters misses one of the rails] Oooh, no! No! | |
Yeah | |
| The kids get some snow cones, Melancholy poops on the field. Mr. Mackey is typing on his computer, streaming the dressage competition. In the Kremlin, they show the competition to Putin. | |
When two tribes go to war | |
| Butters looks distraught at how better Davey is than him. The crowd also looks conflicted. | |
Working for the black gas | |
| We're running out of time! Take missiles to DEFCON 2! | |
| Here's your Sunny Delight and Steak-umms, honey. | |
| Get out of my room, mom! Gawd! Get outta my rewm! | |
| Sweetheart...are you m'kay? | |
| [Mackey looks troubled] ‘Course I'm not m'kay! But you wouldn't understand, ‘cause you're a grown-up! | |
| Honey...as your mother, I want you to know you can talk to me about whatever you want. Even if it's about being scared of gettin' old. | |
| Things used to be so much simpler, mama. There was a good guy and a-and a bad guy. And we all... sort of came together and loved our country...not like it is now. | |
| [she reaches a stool and sits closer to Mackey] Ooh, junior. I know that gettin' old isn't so much fun, is it? We all wanna go back to a time when we were younger. You're getting to be around 55. Your pee-pee doesn't work so good, does it? | |
| How'd you know about that, mom? | |
| Well, I'm your mom, honey. When a man gets to a point where his pee-pee doesn't work the way it used to, he starts to...well, sit in his room and play war games again, you know? But honey, those times weren't better. We were all scared. People died. That's not something to strive to get back to. | |
| You're right, mama...I've been bad. | |
| Oh, you're not bad— | |
| No, I'm bad— | |
| No, no, sweetheart. It-it just felt good ‘cause it was familiar. That's just sort of what us old people do. | |
| Park County Equestrian Facility. | |
| It all comes down to this. Number 8-2-3, Davey Solokov and his Russian Etruscan. If he completes this last rail, he will be the winner. | |
| We're all dead, Linda. | |
| Rider...please demonstrate your trot. | |
| It's ok, Melancholy...we did our best...[Melancholy starts moving erratically] Whoa! Where you goin', Melancholy? | |
| And here is the rail. Wait a minute—we have another pony in the ring! | |
| Melancholy runs into the ring and jumps on Davey's horse. Everyone gasps. | |
| What's he doing? | |
| What's he doing?! He's fighting for democracy! Go, Butters! | |
| [chanting] Butters! Butters! | |
| Melancholy! Bad! | |
| Waagh! [Davey falls on the floor] | |
| 10! 9! 8! | |
| He's got 'em! | |
| 3! 2! [Butters tries to go and help but the referee stops him] 1! You're out! | |
| Everyone starts cheering, they run towards the ring, they grab Butters and raise him up in the air. | |
| Waaaghhaaagh! | |
| They envelop Butters with an American flag. Putin back in the Kremlin looks at his two advisors and frowns. | |
| Let me—let me through! Let me through! | |
| Mackey, we did it! | |
| I know! It's amazing! [Mackey grabs the flag from Butters and puts it on his shoulders] This is all a dream come true! [Mackey goes to someone holding a microphone and speaks into it] You know...the past few days, I've been re-living the past. But during this tournament, I started to change. And I just wanna say to the Russians—that if I can change, then yous can change! I know how it is when you're gettin' old, you know, and you're gettin' aggressive because your dick doesn't work the way it used to. | |
| Da... da... | |
| But just because our dicks don't work doesn't mean we should go back to the way things were. In the immortal words of Sting—we all share the same biology. Regardless of ideology. | |
| Everyone starts clapping, a mocked version of "Russians" by Sting plays.
I wonder if Russians | |
| End of Back To The Cold War | |
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| Story Elements |
Mr. Mackey • Butters Stotch • Melancholy • Davey Solokov • "Dance Hall Days" • "Games Without Frontiers" • Russian National Anthem • "Russians" • "Two Tribes" | ||||
| Media | |||||
| Release | |||||