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The official script for "Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Eric Cartman
  • Jesus Christ
  • God
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Stuart McCormick
  • Mrs. McCormick
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Miss Aliton
  • Craig Netzel, field reporter
  • Tom, news anchor
  • Jerome "Chef" McElroy
  • Dr. Mephesto
  • Dr. Doctor
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Ike Broflovski
  • Radio announcer
  • Jimbo Kern
  • Father Maxi
  • Skeeter
  • Rod Stewart
  • Nurse
  • Agent

Script

Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus
South Park, Main Street, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny walk towards Tom's Rhinoplasty. Some adults walk by them as a station wagon rolls by. On the buildings are posters of Father Time and Baby New Year.
Stan
Dude, what are we gonna do for New Year's Eve? It has to be awesome.
Kyle
I know. It's probably gonna be the biggest night of our lives!
Cartman
[runs up] You guys! You guys! [pants] Guess what?
Kyle
What, fatass?!
Cartman
I've become a man! I started puberty, you guys! [grins]
Kenny
(...What?)
Stan
No you didn't!
Cartman
Yes! I really did.
Stan
How do you know?
Cartman
Well, because yesterday I got my period. [lets the words hang there for a moment]
Kyle
You got your what?
Cartman
My period, you guys. You see, there comes a time in every child's life when they grow up and nature takes its course by having you bleed out your ass for a few days every month.
Stan
You're making that up! [a woman steps out of a small building, and he addresses her] Miss Aliton, what's it mean to get a period?
Miss Aliton
Well boys, ah-I don't think I can tell you. Ah-
Stan
Please, it's important.
Miss Aliton
Well, it's when puberty hits and you bleed, you know, down there. [points to the region]
Kyle
Holy shit, dude! Cartman's right! [Miss Aliton turns and walks away. The boys turn to face Cartman]
Cartman
Well guys, I'm afraid I won't be able to hang out with you on New Year's Eve. I have to hang out with the older crowd because now, I'm ma-ture. [begins to dance away backwards] I got my period, and you guys didn't. I got my period, and you guys didn't. [skips out of view]
Stan
Dude, Cartman can't hit puberty before us.
Kyle
Well, maybe we'll get ours soon, too. I'm gonna go and see if I'm bleeding out my ass.
Kenny
(Me too.)
TV 4 News Flash
Anchorman
In local news, a stomach virus is going around that is causing bleeding of the colon in some small children. Doctors are telling parents that the virus is nothing to worry about and that the infections can be dealt with simple antibiotics. [turns to face another camera, and a new picture, "New Year's Eve 1999" appears] Well, it's just four days until New Year's Eve, 1999. The new millennium is almost upon us, and all over the world people have started to celebrate by dancing, singing, and killing one another. [In New York, amid burning buildings, one man beats another man over the head with a bat. In Paris, people drop down from on high, and in Beijing people torch each other] But probably the biggest event of the millennium is one happening in South Park, Colorado, where people have gathered for a chance to see Jesus Christ. Craig Netzel is standing by.
Reporter Craig Netzel in South Park. Television cameras are everywhere
Netzel
Thanks, Tom. It is indeed four days until the new millennium, and hundreds if not thousands of people have come from all over the world seeking Jesus, here at his house in South Park. [the camera begins to pan to the right. A man with two kids next to him sit in chairs. Skeeter and his friends are there, too] Everyone is giddy with anticipation for Jesus to come out, because as we all know, if Jesus comes out of his house and is not scared by his shadow, it means the next thousand years will be full of peace and love. [the front door opens] Oh, it looks like Jesus might be coming out! [turns to face the house. Jesus peeks out from it]
Woman
[picks up her son and points Jesus out] Oh look, Tommy. There he is. Can you see him?
Boy
He's neat, Mommy. [cameras go off as the crowd stands behind some "Jesus line. Do not cross" lines. Jesus drops back into his house, then peeks out again]
Netzel
[softly] Everyone is quiet here, Tom. Looks like the little fellow's a bit nervous. [Jesus moves forward] But he has taken another step out, Tom! This is great new for us!
Jesus
Uh-mmm, um what are you people doing? [people lower their cameras, puzzled] Can I help you with something? [no one moves]
Netzel
...Well, it's... the millennium, Jesus.
Jesus
Uuh-huh?
Netzel
Well, it's "The Millennium".
Man 1
Yeah.
Man 2
Yeah.
Man 3
Yeah.
Cameraman
Right.
Jesus
So, what happens at the millennium?
Netzel
...I don't know.
Jimbo
We thought you did.
"Y2K" Man
Yeah, you're supposed to know!
Man 4
Yeah!
Man 5
Yeah, you're Jesus.
Man 6
Hey!
Man 5
You're the one in control.
Jesus
Oh. Well. Yea. Believe in me and ye shall find peace.
Mr. Garrison
Yeah yeah yeah, we've heard that crap for about 2000 years now! We wanna hear somethin' new! It's the year 2000, for Christ's sake!
Crowd
Yeah!
Jesus
Well, what do ya want?
Fr. Maxi
We want to see God!
Randy
Yeah, with our own eyes.
Crowd
Yeah!
Jimbo
We followed blindly for thousands of years and we think the least God can do is show up for New Year's Eve 1999!
Crowd
Yeah!
Woman
That's right!
Jesus
Oh. Uuuh, let me think about that for a minute. [backs up and closes the door. The people in the crowd are left to talk amongst themselves]
Man With Picket Sign
[to man to his left] Is that good?
Man 7
I don't know.
Man 8
I don't know. Is that good or not?!
The Marsh house, living room. The phone rings and Stan goes to answer it.
Stan
Hello?
Kyle
Dude, did you get your period yet?
Stan
No, there's no blood coming out of my ass.
Kyle
Mine neither. But I double-checked, and Cartman was right. Your period is the start of puberty.
Stan
Well, if Cartman is the only one who get it and he thinks he's too grown-up to hang out with us on New Year's Eve, then screw him anyways.
Kyle
Yeah.
The McCormick shack, the restroom. Kenny reads from the South Park Enquirer on the pot. A stool drops into the toilet, and Kenny gets up to check it out
Kenny
[seeing the red streak] (Woohoo! [jumps for joy] Woohoooo!)
Al's Pharmacy. Inside, the boys check out various tampons. Cartman looks over a box of Breeze tampons
Stan
Come on, Cartman, we have to make plans for New Year's.
Cartman
Hold your horses, guys. This is very important for mature people. [drops the Breeze and picks up the Plug-Ups. Softly] Let's see. Offers complete protection during heavy flow, hm. [swaps the Plug-Ups for the Cotton Cork] Lessee, might slow stoppage of vaginal chunks, eh. [swaps the Cotton Cork for the Beaver Dam] Oh, this one's got wings, you guys!
Kenny
[rushes in] (You guys! You guys, I did it! I got my very own period!)
Cartman
[pleased] You did?
Kyle
You got your period too, Kenny?
Kenny
(Yeah, it was awesome! I was just sitting down and then I got my period!)
Cartman
Well welcome to the club, Kenny. You got your period, so now you're a man. We can hang out together on New Year's Eve. [Stan shrugs, but looks worried] But first you need to buy some Maxi pads to stuff in the back of your pants so you don't get blood on your underwear.
Kenny
[exults] (Woo-hoo!)
Jesus' house. The crowd awaits his decision. Inside, Jesus paces the floor
Netzel
[from the TV] Tom, it looked for a second as if Jesus was going to come out of his house, but then he went back inside. But meanwhile, more and more people are showing up to show their support for Jesus. [a man holds up a sign saying: "It's the end of the MILLENIUM. Please don't kill us JESUS". Jesus looks in wonder]
Rancher
[holding a Bible] Well, the way I see it, if he really is who he says he is, well then he'd better do somethin' on New Year's Eve, 'cause it's in the Bible!
Jesus
[sighs heavily] Father, I need to talk to you. Please, Father, appear to me. [a flash of light and swirling clouds follow as Jesus comes forward to meet his father]
God
[voice-over] What is it, my child?
Jesus
Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again because of the new millennium. Huh-I'm kinda making a comeback!
God
Yea, like John Travolta before you. You are experiencing a second revival.
Jesus
It's the millennium, Father. People want to see you.
God
Nay, their eyes are not yet prepared to see the likes of me.
Jesus
But dad, I think this may be my one big shot at a comeback.
God
Be ye careful of pride, Jesus.
Jesus
Just make an appearance. You can come down, say 'hi' to a few people and can be back by 12:30.
God
I'm sorry, my son, but if you want to earn everyone's love, you will have to do it yourself.
The Broflovski house, living room, day. Ike is playing with a set of blocks. Kyle approaches him.
Kyle
Ike, can I talk to you? [sits down next to Ike]
Ike
Uh ar, stufid.
Kyle
Ike, I don't know what to do. All the guys are getting their periods, and I don't think I am. I can't be the last one to get it. I just can't!
Ike
Whoa won toooo-reeee.
Kyle
Cartman got his, then Kenny. What if tomorrow Stan says he got his and I'm left out? I might not even get to be their friend anymore.
Ike
No. Martur sucker. Moghee. Muckeh m'gwoss. Tabyudog.
Kyle
Yeah! I could just say I got my period! It's not like they'll check. I can just say I got my period, 'cause I really will get it someday! It's not really lying, it's just jumping the gun a little.
Ike
Cokeh mocker.
Kyle
[stands and moves out] Thanks a lot, Ike!
The bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny and Cartman are hanging out there.
Stan
So you guys aren't gonna spend New Year's Eve with us?
Cartman
Look, Kenny and I are mature now. We can't spend New Year's Eve with a couple of kids. Did you get your Maxi pads, Kenny?
Kenny
(No. All I could get was a couple of tampons.)
Cartman
Tampon? What's a tampon?
Kenny
(See, a tampon is what you stick up your ass so you don't bleed.)
Cartman
Ew, doesn't that hurt?
Kenny
(A little.)
Kyle
[rushes up quite excited] You guys! I got my period, too!
Cartman
Wow, cool!
Stan
[frightened] You did?
Kyle
Yeah! [Stan looks down sadly] I was just hanging out in my room, and then I perioded all over the place.
Cartman
All right! You have to be in me and Kenny's club, then. My mom gave me this "Women Who Run With The Wolves" book and I'm finding out all about our goddess powers.
Kyle
Awesome! We get powers?
Cartman
Yeah! Come on, we can set everything up in my clubhouse and get ready for New Year's Eve! [Stan is left alone, but Cartman returns] Hey, don't feel bad, Stan. Some of us just mature a little later than others. [walks away]
Stan's room, night. He's ready for bed, but sits at his desk with pencil and paper at the ready. He picks the pencil up and writes
Stan
Are you there, God? It's me, Stan. If you wouldn't mind, I don't wanna be the only kid who doesn't get his period before the new year. Could you speed up my development a little? Thanks, God. Your friend, Stan [He sets his pencil down and goes to bed]
Jesus' house, outside, night. The camera crews and crowd keep vigil. One window on the house is lit from within
Jesus
Are you there, God? It's me, Jesus. I feel like I've got a real shot at a comeback, God. For whatever reason, people are starting to follow me again. I'm 2000 years old, but I feel like I'm 28 again! I think I'm going to win everybody back, because I just made a few phone calls, and I'm going to put on the most amazing New Year's spectacle this world has ever seen!
The Marsh house, Stan's room, day. An alarm goes off, and Terrance and Phillip are heard.
Phillip
[a rooster crows] Oh God, you're smelly!
Announcer
Good morning, South Park, it's 8 a.m., [Stan awakens] and only two more days until the new millennium! [Stan moves towards the radio, than away from it, then hides under the covers, then sprints for the restroom. Quickly, he lowers his pajamas and briefs]
Stan
Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit!
Sharon
Stanley, honey, what's the matter?
Stan
[sobbing] I'm not bleeding out my aahass!
Sharon
Well, that's good, honey.
Stan
No it's not! It's terrible! [Sharon looks worried. Stan returns to his bed and prays] Are you there, God? It's me, Stan. How come you didn't help me? I know you're really busy with things, but this is a matter of life and death. If I don't get my period, my friends won't let me hang out with them on New Year's Eve. Please, please give me my period soon.
Jesus' house, day, one day before New Year's eve. The camera crews and crowd keep vigil. A woman yawns, and the front door opens again
Jimbo
Here he comes!
Mr. Garrison
He's coming out!
Jesus
[steps out and closes the door] ...I have given it much thought, my children, and you are right. After reviewing the Bible, it does indeed say that something very big is going to happen at the millennium. [the crowd cheers and jumps for joy] I have spoken to my Father in heaven, and he agreed that the millennium is significant to all of us. And ye who believe in me SHALL be rewarded! [more cheering and jumping] So what we're going to do tomorrow night, New Year's Eve, 1999: we just got ROD STEWART to agree to play a comeback concert at the Rio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, and you're all going! [...silence]
Man
...We knew you could do it, Jesus! [the crowd begins to cheer again, and Jesus grins]
Mr. Garrison
Well, I'd better book my ass a flight to Vegas! [hurries away]
Fr. Maxi

[beings to sing. Others step aside]
For he is Savior
For he is Lord

Crowd

He gives me hope when
I have only been bored
And he lifts me up with
His gentle arm...

The Ewok Village 2000. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny sit in a circle with candles next to them.
Cartman
[wearing a bandana and flowers] Okay, is everyone accounted for? Goddess Wind?
Kyle
[with bandana and leafy wings] Here.
Cartman
Goddess Moon? Goddess Moon?!
Kenny
[with fine pendant on his hood and purple cape] (Dammit, here!)
Cartman
And I'm here, Goddess Earthly Delight. So this is the first meeting of our club for teens who have gotten their periods. We're supposed to talk about our periods. And boys. Let's talk about boys first. I think Craig is pretty cool, but I don't think Clyde is very cool.
Kyle
I think Clyde is kind of cool, but Craig is definitely cooler than Clyde.
Kenny
(Yes, I agree. I think Craig is a thousand times as cool as Clyde. There doesn't really seem to be a doubt.)
Cartman
Okay, that settles that. Now let's talk about our periods. Kyle, you first.
Kyle
Oh. Ah-ah. Ah-uh-m-m.
Cartman
What's the matter, Kyle?
Kyle
Nothing. Um [clears his throat], my period is really uuuh... [Cartman looks on skeptically] Uuuh, my period is going swimmingly.
Cartman
...Okay, that makes sense. Mine is going swimmingly, too.
Kenny
(And mine too.)
Kyle
[sighs] Phew.
Chef's house. Stan walks up and knocks
Chef
[opens the door] Oh, hello Stan.
Stan
[despondent] Hey, Chef.
Chef
How's it going?
Stan
Bad.
Chef
Why bad?
Stan
Can I come in?
Chef
Well, sure. [Stan enters and Chef closes the door. They sit on the sofa] Now, what's the matter, little cracker?
Stan
Chef, I have ...this friend, see? And this person is really bummed out, because everyone else the same age has gotten their period, and this person hasn't.
Chef
OOH, you're talkin' about your older sister, Shelly.
Stan
No.
Chef
Your little girlfriend, Wendy.
Stan
Look, it doesn't matter who it is. The point is that everyone else got their period and this person hasn't.
Chef
Look, Stan. Do you really know what a period is?
Stan
Yeah, Cartman told us.
Chef
Stan, let me sing you a little song about the menstrual cycle. I think it might clear things up for you. [gets up and faces him]
Stan
Okay.
Chef

Ooo baby, yeah baby, ooo baby.
Yeah baby, yeah baby, now baby.
Ooo yeah, yes yes baby
Yeahyeahyeah, uh-huh baby now
Agh! Agh! Awww! No, baby!
Ewww, baby! No, no!
Alright now—I'm alright, I'm-I'm cool, it's okay.
Uh alright, watch out for the bedspread, baby.
Look out now, it's- alright, I'll tell you what.
Uuh, how about uuh, uh.
Why don't I call you next week?
And that's my song about the menstrual cycle, Stan. Did that clear things up for you?

Stan
[thinks] ...So what you're saying is, this person shouldn't be bummed because everybody has their period at a different time.
Chef
...Is that what I said?
Stan
But it's not fair! It's not fair that one day you're on top, that you're the coolest kid in town, and then the next day you're at the bottom again, 'cause everyone has blood coming out their ass but you, and if I can't menstruate, then by God, I'm not gonna sit around and be the only periodless 8-year-old boy! I'm gonna do something about it! [hops off and heads out the door.]
Chef
Whoa! I musta missed a WHOLE middle part there.
Rod Stewart's mansion, day. Jesus sits on a leather sofa with Stewart's agent. Around them are Grammys, some pictures of Stewart and framed gold records
Agent
I can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart is about this millennium concert. He's gotten a little older, but you're gonna see how much he can still rock.
Jesus
Hoh, I'm excited too. I think it will bring my Father's children back to their faith and back to mine eyes, for I an the Lamb of God.
Agent
Yeah t-and uh, you know, Rod is a seasoned veteran, so I'm gonna have to ask for a bit more cash, but we could talk about that later; here comes Rod now. [some double doors open, and a nurse wheels Rod into the room]
Rod
Hullo-o-o.
Jesus
[surprised, but quickly recovers and shakes Rod's hand] Hey, Rod, great to see you.
Rod
Oh.
Jesus
Uh, the folks are sure glad you're playing. It's really given them a lot of faith in me again. I'm sure that together, we can make this millennium party the best New Year's bash ever!
Rod
Pooped pants.
Jesus
What?
Rod
Pooped pants.
Jesus
Poo pants?
Rod
Pooped 'nmuh pants.
Jesus
Uh, you pooped your pants?
Rod
Pooped in my pants.
Jesus
Oh Uh-n nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants?
Nurse
Again?! [turns Rod around to wheel him away] Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie? [exits with Rod. Jesus can only look on, shocked]
Genetic Engineering Ranch, night
Dr. Mephesto
[leading Stan into the lab] Yes, puberty is a very wonderful thing, Stan. It's what links us all together, makes us one.
Stan
But what happens if there's someone who never went through puberty.
Dr. Mephesto
Never went through puberty? Who never went through puberty?
Stan
Nn-nobody! I mean, uh, well, m-my dad.
Dr. Mephesto
Your father never went through puberty?
Stan
No. And uh, that's why he sent me here; 'cause he's too embarrassed to come himself.
Dr. Mephesto
Oh, I can't say that I blame him.
Stan
So do you know anything that can help him?
Dr. Mephesto
Well, I should think the most logical solution would be... hormones.
Stan
Hormones? [smiles. Mephesto takes him to the medicine cabinet]
Dr. Mephesto
Yes! [removes a bottle of PURE HORMONES] Here, and tell your father to take just one of these pills every week. It could be just what he needs. And be sure to tell him that his secret is safe with me.
Stan
Thanks a lot, Dr. Mephesto. You're the best! [walks away with the bottle]
Dr. Mephesto
My pleasure. I just love helping people.
Genetic Engineering Ranch, outside. Stan looks at the bottle and reads the prescription:

"one tablet weekly." He pops the lid off... One tablet falls, and then the empty bottle.

The Ewok Village 2000, next day. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny have reassembled.
Cartman
Now, for our first club activity, we're supposed to reach into this little dish and pull out a word. We look at the word and think about what that word means to us. [tips the bowl towards Kyle, who reaches in and takes a slip of paper]
Kyle
[unfurls and reads] Okay. Today's word is "spirituality." What that means to me is uh- [thump. The three look up]
Stan
[outside, below] Hey assholes! [the three rise and head for a window]
Cartman
Oh, look. It's that little boy who hasn't gotten his period yet.
Stan
[now with some facial hair] Don't you worry about that! I've started taking hormones!
Kyle
Hormones?
Stan
Yeah, they make you have your puberty quicker. And I'm just here to tell you that my puberty is gonna be bigger than any of you guys's!
Kyle
Dude, I don't think 8-year olds are supposed to take hormones.
Cartman
Yeah, you shouldn't force your period, Stan. You should let it come, like the morning dew.
Stan
So what are we gonna do for New Year's?
Cartman
Well, we're going with our families to Las Vegas. I guess there'll be some younger kids there, too, if you wanna go.
Stan
[voice breaking] Aaaargh. I'm gonna go take some more hormones. [walks away. The other three withdraw and resume their discussion]
Cartman
Now, the word is "spirituality." I believe that the goddess in me is my spirituality because she-
Kenny
(Ooooowwwwwwwhh.) [leans forward in pain]
Cartman
Quiet, Kenny. The goddess lives in all of us and has-
Kenny
(Oh- ooowww!)
Cartman
Goddammit, Kenny, shut the hell up!
Kenny
(Aaaaaa!) [falls back and passes out. Blood spews up from his mouth]
Kyle
Whoa, dude!
Hell's Pass Hospital. An ambulance is parked outside. Inside, the McCormick parents sit in the waiting room holding hands
Dr. Doctor
Mr. and Ms. McCormick.
McCormick Parents
Yes?
Dr. Doctor
I'm sorry. We... couldn't save your son.
Ms. McCormick
[sobbing] Oh my God, my little Kenny's gone. I can't believe it.
Dr. Doctor
We just didn't get to him in time. There's nothing we could do.
Stuart
What happened? What killed him, doctor?
Dr. Doctor
Well, we found a... tampon stuck up your child's ass. Apparently, he'd had it up there for several days. It plugged him up until he finally burst from the inside out like a ruptured septic tank.
Ms. McCormick
[sobbing] Oh my God.
Dr. Doctor
My worry is that he could have been following some kind of crazy new fad. Perhaps the children are all shoving tampons up their ass because they've seen the Backstreet Boys doing it on TV or something.
Ms. McCormick
[sobbing] Gi-ih [gulp]
Dr. Doctor
We must get to the bottom of this! ...if you'll pardon the pun. But actually, right now, I've got to catch a plane to Las Vegas to see the Rod Stewart Millennium Show.
Stuart
Rod Stewart's gonna be in Vegas?
Las Vegas, night. Klieg lights search the sky as a large crowd gathers for the concert. Craig Netzel is on scene
Netzel
Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas, where tomorrow night THE New Year's Eve event is going to happen. Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, is presenting Rod Stewart, the undisputed King of Pop, right here at this hotel behind me. [tents and stands pepper the grounds. Some of them have been seen in South Park before] It looks as though Jesus really has come through. [Jesus is in his room looking at the report] Everyone is very excited, because rumor has it that God Himself is gonna show up to the event.
Jesus
[shocked] What??
Netzel
How about you, ma'am? Do you think God is gonna show up tomorrow night?
Ma'am
[in party hat] Of course he is. This is Jesus we're talking about. He wouldn't let us down.
Jesus
[turns off the TV] Oh no! Are you there, God? Father, will you please reconsider and show up tomorrow? [no answer] ...Hello?
New Year's Eve, morning. Stan's radio alarm goes off
Sharon
Stanley. [Stan awakes. A beard is forming] Wake up, honey. It's time to leave for Las Vegas. [he jumps out of bed and walks past a Terrance and Phillip full-length mirror. He stops, walks backwards, and looks at his reflection, strokes his sparse beard, turns to look at himself from the side...]
Stan
Who-o-oa, du-ude. I've got boobs.
Las Vegas, New Year's Eve, 1999, night. The stage area. The crowds erupts in anticipation
Cartman
[walks in with Kyle] Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool place for us mature people. [Jesus takes the stage and speaks]
Jesus
Alright, people. Are we ready to rock the millennium?! [the crowd roars. Jesus steps backstage and prays] Father in heaven, please let tonight's show go well. Please make them like it.
Kyle
[Butters is already next to Cartman] Hey, here comes Stan.
Stan
[walks up, with a deep boy voice] Have I missed anything?
Cartman
Wow, Stan, you really got some nice titties there.
Kyle
Did you get your period yet, Stan?
Stan
No. I didn't, but-
Cartman
Buh- Don't worry. You'll get it someday. Come on, Kyle. Let's go see what kind of tampons they have here in Las Vegas. [he and Kyle walk off]
Jesus
Well, I tell you one thing. I sure as heck am excited. We've got about four hours to the new year, and so I think it's time to START IT UP! Ladies and gentlemen, as promised, Mr. Rod "Do You Think I'm Sexy?" Stewart! [the curtains open as Jesus steps aside. The nurse rolls Rod up to the mic and walks away as the band plays. The crowd has no reaction. The band pauses after a while, so Rod can sing]
Rod
O-o-oh. [the band riffs a bit] O-oh. [the band plays on. Jesus keeps time] O-o-o-oh. Be-eh-o-o-or. [Stan walks around and then sits on a curb, truly depressed. Rod continues to sing unintelligibly]
Jimbo
[disgusted] Whoa, man.
Rod
Oh. Uh pooped 'em. [the band resumes play as the nurse brings a bucket on stage and checks him out]
Mr. Garrison
This sucks balls!
Blonde
Yeah!
Man 7
Alright, enough of this! Bring out God!
Man 9
Yeah!
Jesus
Oh no.
Crowd
We want God! We want God! We want God!
Jesus
["We want God"] Please, Father. Do something.
Crowd
We want God!
Jesus
[goes onstage again] Uh, folks, I'm afraid God can't make it tonight.
Randy
We came all the way to Las Vegas for this?!
Woman
This is the worst New Year's ever! Thanks a lot, Jesus!
Skeeter
Let's get him! [leads the charge to the stage]
Craig Netzel with some breaking news. The crowd has begun to riot.
Netzel
Well, Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas in what is quickly becoming known as "the gayest party ever." Everyone is so outraged that they are building a large cross in which to once again crucify our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. [behind him, two men pop in and out of view. One holds a bat, the other runs back and forth. The man with the bat beats the other man down, but the other man pops up and continues running]
Stan
[goes onstage] Jesus, why does God hate me?
Jesus
Huh? He doesn't hate you, he hates me. He's gonna let me be crucified again.
Stan
He hates me more. He doesn't answer my prayers. I prayed to him every day and he never answered me.
Jesus
Well, yeah, but just because God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.
Stan
Well then, why didn't he give me what I wanted?
Jesus
Well, God can't just answer every prayer and suddenly give you everything you want. That takes all the living out of life.
Stan
What do you mean?
Jesus
If God answered all our prayers, there'd be nothing left for us to do ourselves. Life is about problems, and overcoming those problems. [becomes reflective] A-and growing and learning from obstacles. If God just fixed everything for us, then there'd be no point in our existence. [realizes something] That's why he wouldn't show up to my New Year's party.
Stan
I just wanted my period.
Jesus
I get it now, Father. I had to learn all this on my own. [Skeeter and five other men bring a large cross in] I was overcome with my new popularity and, and I let pride get in the way of good judgment. [a bright light appears in the sky and descends towards the stage. The crowd gapes in awe]
Man
Whoa, what is that??
Jesus
[the light approaches him] It's Dad.
Fr. Maxi
God? God is going to show himself??
Woman
Look, I can see him. [the light begins to bathe the crowd]
Jesus
Father. You came.
God
Now look upon Me, My children, and know Me. [now the crowd is shocked] Be ye not afraid. [God is shown as some kind of short-legged squirrel, elephant, cat, hippopotamus hybrid] Blessed art thou, my children. [a man's party blower falls from his lips]
Randy
That's God?
Jesus
Yea, 'tis my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega. [a snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth] The Beginning and the End.
Mr. Garrison
Well, yeah, but that??
God
What did you expect me to look like, My son?
Mr. Garrison
[thinks a moment] ...Well not like that!
God
Since it is the end of the first 2000 years, I will allow you, My children, to ask me one question.
Gerald
[next to Mr. Mackey] One question?
Mr. Mackey
Only one?
Sharon
What should we ask him?
Chef
We have to think carefully. We can ask him anything we want, like, "What's the meaning of life?" or "Why are we here?".
Stan
I have it. I have the question. [steps forth] Now you have to answer me once and for all! How come I haven't gotten my period yet?! [the crowd stands aghast]
God
[after a while] My child, you are a boy. Boys do not get periods. That's only for girls. Your friends were bleeding a little bit out of their asses because of an acute colon infection. And your friend Kyle simply lied about it.
Kyle
[exposed] How do know that?
God
You will hit puberty when the time is right. But you will never have a period, because you are a man — with titties. Thus spaketh the Lord. And now I return to heaven. [transforms into the light and returns the way he came]
Mr. Garrison
Hey, wait! That doesn't count as our question, does it??
God
I'll answer another on New Year's Eve, in the year 4000. [zips away]
Stan
Did you hear that everybody? I'm not even supposed to have my period; that's why God wasn't answering me before! [people look at him, annoyed] Boy, I'm sure everything worked out okay. [looks around] I guess now we can all celebrate the New Year, huh?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
[end credits roll]
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne...

Skeeter
Let's get him.
Stan

Let's have a cup o

-Aaaa! [mayhem ensues as people riot, breaking wood and glass all around. A gunshot is heard, a couple of women scream, and the rioting goes on]
End of Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus


  316: "Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus" edit
Story Elements

GodJesusRod Stewart • "The Menstrual Cycle Song"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Third Season

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