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"Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus"
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Episode no. Season 3
Episode 16
Production no. 316
Original airdate December 29, 1999
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"Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus" is the sixteenth episode of Season Three, and the 47th overall episode of South Park. It originally aired on December 29, 1999.[1]


People from all over the world start to gather outside Jesus' house waiting for a millennium miracle.[1]


SPW pic -- Spoiler Spoiler warning!
Plot details follow.

While Stan, Kyle, and Kenny discuss their plans for New Year's Eve that leads into the new millennium, Cartman rushes up to explain he's finally gotten his period since he had bled out of his anus. Disbelieving him, the boys ask a female about it, as she explains that they have mistaken Cartman's explanation to be true.

Outside Jesus' house, the media and residents of the town have gathered around and are wondering about what Jesus will do for the year 2000. Jesus steps outside and is told by the crowd they want to see God. Jesus goes inside back his home and visits Heaven where he asks God if he will appear for the millennium, to which God refuses. Taken aback, Jesus comes up with another plan; he will hold a comeback concert for Rod Stewart that will take place in Las Vegas, and invites everyone.

In the next scene, Kenny is in his bathroom at his house when he discovers that he has also bled out of his anus and believes had his "period". However, a news report reveals that a colon infection has spread across town. The boys do not see it and remain oblivious.

After discovering that Kenny has had his period, Kyle decides to lie that he too has had his upon consulting Ike on the problem. After Kyle's false revelation, Stan is disheartened when the others form a group for "mature people only", in other words, those who have bled out of their anus and begun puberty.

Stan then goes to Chef's house for advice and tells him that "he knows someone who hasn't had theirs while everyone else has", Chef believes it to be obviously an important female person in his life. Chef then sings him a song about laying on other women, with nothing to do with what Stan is looking for. After Chef finishes singing, Stan gets angry and says how bad he wants his period, to Chef's surprise.

Stan next goes to Dr. Mephesto and lies that his father never went through puberty, Mephesto gives him tablets to give to his father. Stan takes the whole bottle and hopes for a period.

Although his anus does not bleed out, Stan develops facial hair and breasts and his voice deepens. Cartman still does not let him in the group though. At their club, the boys discuss various things and even insert tampons up their rectums, which kills Kenny. Jesus has managed to get Rod Stewart to agree to play, despite him being in a wheelchair, heavily dependent on his nurse, and having little bowel control.

At the event, Rod Stewart "poops his pants" and his nurse changes his diaper. The audience dislikes the concert and demand God. When Jesus tells the crowd that God cannot make it tonight, they become furious and prepare to crucify Jesus once more, who goes to sulk along with Stan. Stan explains his issue, to which Jesus replies that God cannot deal with everybody's problems or there would be no point to living, upon saying this, Jesus realizes this as God's message to him: He should not have relied on God to make himself popular once more but will have to do it himself.

After Jesus realizes this, a beam of light appears on stage and God appears to everyone who are surprised at his appearance (portrayed as a short-legged squirrel, elephant, cat, hippopotamus tetra-morph with an extendable, reptile-like tongue). God explains he will answer only one question as it is the end of the first 2000 years. Stan seizes the opportunity to ask why he has not got his period, to which God answers boys do not get periods, only girls. He goes on to say that Cartman and Kenny have the colon infection and Kyle lied about it. God then explains he has answered his question and will appear again for the year 4000. Jesus is happy once more but the crowd is not. They then advance on Stan for using up the one question. He is attacked by the audience as the closing credits run and tries after trying to calm everyone down by singing "Auld Lang Syne" (poorly due to his deeper voice).


  316: "Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus" edit
Story Elements

GodJesus ChristRod StewartLas Vegas • "The Menstrual Cycle Song" • "Auld Lang Syne"


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