A Ladder to Heaven/Script

General

Trivia

Images

Script

Extras

Watch Episode

"Child Abduction is Not Funny/Script"

"A Ladder to Heaven/Script"

"The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers/Script"

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Randy Marsh
• Sharon Marsh
• Gerald Broflovski
• Sheila Broflovski
• Stuart McCormick
• Carol McCormick
• Liane Cartman
• Jimbo Kern
• Mayor McDaniels
• George W. Bush
• Saddam Hussein
• God
• Lolly the Candy Man
• Herbert Garrison
• Alan Jackson
• Channel 4 field reporter
• SNN reporter
• Nobunaga Hiroichi, SNN Japanese correspondent
• Robot guard
• Townsfolk
• General
• Dick Cheney
• Fat man
• Unplanned Parenthood nurse
• Steven
• Steven's girlfriend
• UN ambassadors
• Natsako Semu, weather girl

Script

A Ladder to Heaven
	South Park, city sidewalk, day. Stan, Cartman and Kyle head for a bright, colorful store called "Lolly's Candy Factory." Cartman carries three buckets: two on his back, supported by a crossbar, and a huge one on his head. The proprietor, Lolly, opens the door and sets a sign so it reads "OPEN," thus starting his business day. On his red apron is a large yellow lollipop with "LOLLY" printed over it. The boys stop and look.
Lolly	[notices the kids and straightens up] Oh, hello there, kids! Welcome to Lolly's Candy Shop.
Stan	We're the kids whose names you called on your commercial last night. We're here to do the shopping spree!
Lolly	Oh that's great!
Cartman	You bet your fat clown ass it is!
Lolly	Okay! Well I'll just need your ticket stub.
Cartman	[the boys' jaws drop a bit] ...ticket stub?
Lolly	You know. When you entered the contest you got the other half of this ticket. [display the store's half of the ticket]
Stan	Oh shit. Who had the ticket stub?
Kyle	It was such a long time ago!
Cartman	Wu-we don't really "need" the ticket stub, do we?
Lolly	Don't need the ticket stub?? Are you high?? How else do I know you're the winners?
Stan	Because our names were called on the commercial last night!
Lolly	Sh-orry boys. No ticket stub, no candy shopping spree. If you find it, you can come back, but you only have one week to claim the prize. That's called "The Ticking Clock." Works great in the movies. [steps backwards into the store and closes the door. The boys look at the door for a few seconds, then Cartman turns and steps forward]
Cartman	[drops the buckets] GODDAMMIT!!!
Stan	We've gotta find that ticket!
Kyle	Which one of us took it?! It was so long ago, I c- I can't remember.
Cartman	You guys we've got to focus! We've got to focus, and remember. [Zoom in on Cartman, who starts remembering...]
	Lolly's Candy Factory, over a year ago.
Lolly	[hands a ticket stub to Stan] All right. There you go. Hold on to that ticket stub. You'll need it to claim your prize. [looks at the rest of the store] Sign up for the five-minute shopping spree!! [walks off]
Stan	[hands the stub to Cartman] You hold on to this, Cartman. I might lose it.
Cartman	[takes it, then hands it to Kyle] Nah, I'll lose it for sure. You keep track of it, Kyle.
Kyle	Okay. [takes it, then has second thoughts] N-no, ah I don't want that much responsibility. Here, you hold on to it, Kenny. [hands the stub to Kenny, who was still alive back then]
Kenny	(Okay.) [takes it and pockets it]
	Back to the present. The boys horrifyingly realize Kenny was the last to hold the stub as their mouths open.
Cartman	[bolts away] KENNY!!!
Stan, Kyle	[following quickly] AAAHHH!! [the buckets stay on the ground and the boys rush to Kenny's house]
	Kenny's house, later. The boys arrive gasping for air and Kyle rings the doorbell.
Stuart	[opens the door] Yes?
Stan	Where's Kenny??
Stuart	[He and Carol are shocked] Uh... boys... Kenny died ...last December. Don't you remember?
Kyle	We know he's dead. We mean, where is his body??
Carol	His body? Well, why??
Cartman	Because he has the God-damned ticket for the-!
Stan	[shuts Cartman up quick and stumbles for words] Uh, look. We just really miss our friend and, ah, andand we need to see his remains for closure.
Kyle	Yeah. Closure.
Cartman	[muffled] What the fuck is closure?!
Carol	Oh all right boys. Come on in. [the boys follow the McCormicks in]
	Kenny's house, inside. The boys follow the parents through the house.
Stuart	We haven't seen you boys for so long, we thought you'd forgotten all about him.
Carol	Here he is, boys. Our dear little Kenny. [an urn is shown, with pictures of Kenny on either side of it.]
Cartman	You turned him into a teapot?
Stuart	No. That's an urn, boys. Kenny's inside it.
Carol	Your friends are here to see you, Kenny. [picks up the urn and caresses it.] They miss you an awful lot, like we all do. [starts crying]
Stuart	Thang-thanks for coming by, boys. Ih-ih, it means a lot to us. [turns to his wife and consoles her] Aw now, honey. [joins her in sobbing]
	Kenny's house, nighttime, living room. A circle appears on a window and that piece of window is removed. Cartman sets the circle down and looks around. He reaches up to open the window latch, then opens the window door. He slips in and goes for the urn. He pulls out a fake detector and moves it around.
Cartman	Wewewewewewe...
Stan	[climbs up to the window and looks in] Did you get it? [Kyle climbs up next to him]
Cartman	Hold on, I'm checking for robot guards. [resumes the detection] Wewewewewewe...
Kyle	There's not gonna be any robot guards, r*****! Just get Kenny! [Cartman looks back at the boys angrily, gets Kenny's urn, and climbs back out the window.] You guys piss me off. [Right after he leaves, robot guard does indeed move through the living room...]
Robot Guard	Wewewewewewe...
	Cartman's house, night, kitchen. The boys rush to the counter and climb up on the stools.
Kyle	Alright, we made it!
Stan	Kenny'd better have the ticket stub with him in there!
Kyle	Let him out, Cartman! [Cartman opens the urn and the boys duck]
Cartman	...Kenny? [the boys lose their fear and rise up to look at the urn] Kenny?!
Kyle	Is he in there?
Stan	I can't see. [Cartman pours out the ashes and the boys sneeze from the fine powder until it dissipates. Some ash smudges remain on their faces.]
Cartman	What the hell is this?! Chocolate milk mix?!
Kyle	I knew Kenny couldn't fit in that tea pot! [Cartman samples the ashes]
Stan	It was a trick!
Cartman	God-damnit! This isn't even GOOD chocolate milk mix!
Stan	Kenny's parents must be laughing pretty hard about now! We're dumb enough to believe Kenny's body could be in a teapot!
Kyle	Why would they play such a cruel joke on us?
Cartman	Egh, because they're poor, Kyle! Poor people don't have anything better to do than piss other people off! Don't you watch Springer?!
Stan	We just have to face it. We're not gonna get Kenny back and we're not gonna have our shopping spree. It's over! [gets off his stool and walks away.]
Kyle	Goddamnit! There has to be a way! [leaves his stool and follows Stan out. Cartman looks at the ashes, then thinks of something]
Cartman	Hmmm. [leaves his stool and returns with some milk, a glass, and a spoon. He scoops up some ashes and drops them into the glass. He pours the milk onto the ashes, stirs them up, and drinks the milk ] Hmm, not bad. [scoops some more ashes into the milk]
	Cartman's room, night. The empty glass sits on his nightstand. The camera zooms out to show Cartman sleeping with Clyde Frog. Cartman tosses in his bed and his dream appears. A circle appears. Outside of the circle is a lining to a jacket. Inside is someone's point of view. The surroundings seen in that circle indicates that this is Kenny's point of view. Kenny seems to be walking around in his own room. Kenny's arm appears and opens the door, and Kenny's mom appears at the end of the hall.
Carol	Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late for school! [the dream ends abruptly]
Cartman	[sits up, eyes wide open] Huh! ... I don't think that chocolate milk mix agreed with my stomach. [growls a bit, turns to sleep, and farts. The door flies open and Stan and Kyle rush in]
Stan	Cartman, come on!
Cartman	[sits up again] What what? [sees who it is] Jesus, you buttholes! It's six in the morning!
Stan	Kyle figured out a way to get our winning ticket stub back from Kenny!
Cartman	How?
Kyle	A ladder to heaven. [unfolds some blueprints] We build it, climb up, and get our winning ticket back from that asshole Kenny.
	Stan's house, day. The blueprints are in place on an easel. The design is a slender tower rising some 120 feet into the sky. The camera pulls back to show the boys hammering boards into place. Stan's parents step outside to see the construction.
Randy	Hey, if you boys are building a clubhouse you should start with the floor.
Stan	[going for some more wood] We're not building a clubhouse, we're building a ladder to heaven.
Randy	A ladder to heaven? Why, son?
Stan	Because we wanna see Kenny again. [heaves a piece of wood back to the tower]
Sharon	[after a moment of though] Oh... oh, that's so sweet.
Randy	That's the ...s-s-saddest thing I've ever heard.
Jimbo	[approaching] Hey Randy, can I borrow your uh... [sees the boys' activity] What the hell are they doing?
Randy	The boys wanna see their dead friend Kenny again, Jimbo, so they're... building a ladder to heaven.
Jimbo	Awwww.
Sheila	[arriving with Gerald] Kyle, I think you've bothered the Marshes enough.
Randy	No, it's... alright, Sheila. The boys were just... building a ladder to heaven to see their old friend, Kenny.
Gerald	A ladder tuh... Oh... oh God. [begins to sob]
Sheila	Oh, that's so touching. [begins to sob. All the adults begin to cry. The boys continue building]
	Behind Stan's house, day. A reporter has arrived and now begins his report.
Field reporter	Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where last December, eight-year-old Kenny McCormick died of a terminal illness. But now, that little boy's three closest friends miss their friend so much that they are building a ladder to heaven, in order to- [chokes as the camera reaches the tower, then gathers himself] a ladder to heaven in order to try to see him again. [sighs] It's so sad and yet so beautiful, Tom. Here's what some people had to say.
Randy	Well, our son just said to us that he really needed to see his little friend Kenny again and... and that he thought it would work... [begins to break down] if he... built the ladder to heaven.
Sheila	[sobbing] They just believe in their little hearts that it will work. We can't tell them it won't, we just can't!
Jimbo	[wistful] It shows how beautiful the innocence of a child really is. [starts sobbing. Other people are show crying: Marietta Kitchin, Carrie Ayers & Steve Stegman]
Mr. Garrison	A ladder to heaven? That's fuckin' stupid.
Mayor McDaniels	[sobbing with her aides] These boys symbolize how we all feel about loss. Who are we to tell them it's impossible?
Field reporter	Tom, people from all over the- [chokes] Sorry. [gets back on track] People from all over the country are coming to see the ladder, feeling a connection to its symbolism, and beauty. Even country singer Alan Jackson has shown up with a song he has written about the ladder. [camera pulls back to show Jackson to the reporter's left, strumming a guitar] Alan Jackson is, of course, the man who wrote the song, "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning," about the tragedies on September 11. And now he's here once again to capitalize on people's emotions. Let's listen in. [focus shifts to Jackson]
Alan Jackson	Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven? Did it make you feel like cryin', or did you think it was kind of gay?
Townsman	What a beautiful song. [the boys look down at Jackson]
Alan Jackson	Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven. Oh yeah yeah yeah. 9-11 [the townsfolk begin to cry] I said 9-11, 9-11, 9-11, Ni-hi, hi-hine___ Eleven. Thank you! I have a new CD out with all my 9-11 songs for sale right here! [the crowd rushes in to get copies of the CD. Jackson is pleased at the interest. The boys resume their construction. Stan and Kyle are hammering away at the top of the ladder. Cartman hustles up the ladder with a car seat]
Kyle	Oh good! Cartman's back from the junkyard.
Cartman	I found this car seat in Mr. Garrison's car. [hands it to the other two boys, who put it in place]
Stan	Mr. Garrison threw away his car?
Cartman	...No. [the boys let the seat drop] Ey! Euuugh.
	Flashback #2 - resumes where the first one left off. Kenny seems to be walking around in his own room. Kenny's arm appears and opens the door, and Kenny's mom appears at the end of the hall.
Carol	Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late for school!
Stuart	Kenny, do you by any chance know what happened to my Playboys? [shows Kenny a centerfold, which shows a circle where the centerfold's crotch should be. He lifts the centerfold high enough to look through the hole] Kenny?! Answer me!! [back to the present - Cartman looks dazed]
Kyle	Cartman? Cartman?!
Cartman	[startled] Wha-uh, what?? What?
Kyle	Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?!
Cartman	I don't know. It's like my brain just keeps... jacking off.
Kyle	Maybe you got brain cancer.
Cartman	Do you think?
Stan	Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it!
	SNN newscast. Graphics are shown indicating 74% of Americans believe in the ladder.
SNN reporter	The nation is rallying behind three sweet boys in Colorado who are building a ladder to heaven to be with their dead friend. [a picture of the boys on the ladder is shown] It's making Americans start to believe in heaven, again. [next segment has the reporter out on the street]
Woman 1	Well when I see how this ladder has brought people together, how... how it has changed America, I mean, how can I not believe?
SNN reporter	[off screen] Ha do YOU actually believe in the ladder to heaven?
Fat man	If... heaven is an eight-year-old boy, and the ladder is my penis... [the camera moves away quickly, but the man keeps up] and the pearly gates are the- [static... the camera pulls back to show the reporter back at the desk, holding a TV status pattern on paper and hissing. He notices the camera and stops, putting the pattern down]
SNN reporter	Uh, meanwhile, the American economy cont- [gets some breaking news over his headset] wait. Wait. Wait a minute. We are getting reports now that Japan is building their own ladder to heaven to compete with the US's. Let's go live to SNN correspondent Nobuhiro Sabasurisurijuwa.
SNN correspondent	This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting rive from Tokyo, where Japan has started buirding its own radder to hayben. [the tower is shown with klieg lights bathing it in light] Ahready, the Japanese radder extend faaar into space [the ladder is now high enough for a space shuttle to park by and astronauts come out to work on it] and it's growing by a-one thousand miles every day. [back on the ground...] As the endeavor continues it is becoming clear that Japan will reach a-hayben before the United States. [a raspberry follows]
	South Park, just past sunset. The neighbors have gathered around the ladder in Stan's back yard and are now singing.
Neighbors	Nahurabo Nahurabo
Stan	Excuse me. ["Nahurabo"] Excuse me! ["Nahurabo"] Uh, we ran out of stuff. [the singing abruptly stops] We ran out of stuff to build the ladder with.
Man 1	Oh no!
Woman 2	Oh Jesus, no!
Alan Jackson	Where were you when they ran out of stuff to build the ladder to heaven?
Stan	We can keep going, but we need to start tearing down houses for wood.
Randy	[raises his arms high] No! Agh, look, I, I think maybe this has gone on far enough.
Gerald	Yeah... Ih it's time we told the boys the truth, that they aren't really going to get to heaven. [a truck is heard arriving]
Man 2	[at the back, by the fence] Wait! Look! [a fleet of trucks, cars, and jeeps converge on the road outside the house]
General	We've come to help you beat those Japs, boys! [behind him, military personnel bring out ladders and other construction equipment] There won't be anyone stopping this great ladder from being built today! [the crowd cheers wildly. The boys' parents are dumbstruck] Alpha Team! Get that support structure up! Ciranom's Team! Get us photos and recon! [the teams set about their duties]
Soldiers	Yes sir!
Alan Jackson	Where were you when they saved that ladder to heaven?
Kyle	[with Cartman at the top of the ladder] Man, I can't believe how much people want us to get our winning ticket back.
Cartman	Candy-shopping sprees have that effect on people, Kyle.
	South Park, next day. The boys resume building the ladder, and they almost break through the cloud above them. Stan is the first to peer over the clouds. Kyle soon joins him.
Kyle	Do you see anything?
Stan	No. Hello?? Kenny?? God??
Kyle	Grandma??
Cartman	[joins the other two boys, grunting as he gets into position] Aw, don't tell me we haven't even reached the cloud city yet!
Stan	No cloud city, not even a giant. Heaven must still be a long way off.
Cartman	Alright, look. I didn't wanna have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle	Huh?
Cartman	Heaven could be like the pixie faeries of Bubble Yum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan	What??
Cartman	You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle	[processes the comment and gets angry] What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?!
Cartman	Because Jews don't believe in heaven!
Kyle	Yes we do! Just not the Christian heaven!
Cartman	Right. Your idea of heaven is getting five dollars off your matzah ball soup at Barney's Beanery by lying about a hair in it.
Kyle	[Lose his temper via short temper] HAAHH!!! [smacks Cartman on the side of the face with his left fist]
Cartman	AH! [stunned, he has another flashback. A heartbeat is heard]
	Flashback #2 - Kenny arrives at the bus stop.
Kyle	Hey Kenny.
Stan	Hey Kenny.
Kenny	(We can watch it at my house.)
Cartman	In the ghetto, in the ghetto. He's a boy wearing orange, who's losing his pride, 'cause Kenny and his whole family reside in the ghetto, in the ghetto
Kenny	[points an accusing finger at Cartman] (Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!)
Cartman	What did you say?!
Kenny	(I said, Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!)
Cartman	What did you say?!
Cartman	[in the present] I said "Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!" [opens his eyes and looks around] Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?
Stan	Dude, what the hell is wrong with you??
Cartman	I dunno, I just, I keep feeling like I'm Kenny. Seeing memories through his eyes.
Kyle	You're too fat to be Kenny.
Cartman	[amid his thoughts] You're a- stupid Jew.
Stan	Let's just keep building. We only have five more days until the shopping spree.
	The White House, Washington D.C., moments later. George Bush arrives at the Oval Office and takes his seat at the executive desk.
Bush	Alright, how's the ladder going, General? Are we beating the Japanese?
General	Not quite, but we have a new problem, Mr. President. Our recon team on the ladder just found new evidence of threats... from Saddam Hussein.
Bush	Saddam Hussein? But... we killed him! We secretly took him out months ago!
General	Yes sir. And now we believe he's building weapons of mass destruction... in heaven.
Bush	Dear Christ, that sonofabitch just doesn't stop!
General	[flips a page on an easel, showing another page with three identical photos] These surveillance photos were taken atop the ladder of what appears to be heaven. [points out an encircled object in the center photo] Here we see what we believe to be a missile silo. And here [points out an encircled object in the lower photo] we see what looks like a laboratory of some sort for making chemical weapons.
Dick Cheney	That... kinda looks like a seagull.
General	Yes. It could be a laboratory disguised as a seagull.
Bush	That tricky bastard!
General	Sir, you must understand our fears. We must take out those facilities. We must... [close-up] bomb heaven!
	SNN newsroom, new poll.
SNN reporter	SNN Question of the Day: Now that Americans believe in heaven, should we bomb it? The polls right now show that 51% of Americans think Saddam has to be dealt with, while 49% are wimpy tree-hugging pussies.
War protester	[in tie-dye shirt, waving a "No War On Heaven" sign] War is not my voice! This country is just run by r******* and bumpkins with their guns!
R******	[with baby dangling from the left hand, rifle firmly in the right hand] We have to take Saddam out to protect ourselves.
Fat man	I, for one, believe that if Saddam Hussein were an eight-year-old boy, and my penis were the United States... [the mic is retracted] then there would- [the cameraman tries to avoid the man, but nope] hard nipples!
SNN reporter	[back in the newsroom] God-damnit! [holds up the snow pattern and hisses]
	News 4 field report.
Field reporter	Tom, it's been five days since three sweet boys set out to build a ladder to heaven and capture the nation's hearts. They've made a nation believe heaven might be up there. And it could prove to be a threat to our country. President Bush will seek UN approval for military action.
	The Marsh home, day. The boys' ladder is seen rising above the house, in the backyard. In the dining room, the boys' parents sit opposite the boys at the table.
Randy	Boys, it's really neat that you want to see your old pal Kenny so much but...
Gerald	But it's time for you to get back to school and on with your lives.
Stan	No, we have to see Kenny!
Sharon	You have to understand that Kenny's body isn't up in the clouds. He was cremated.
Stan	Cremated? What's that?
Randy	When you die, your body is put into a broiling oven and cooked until you're nothing but ashes. [the boys are alarmed]
Kyle	What?? For God's sake, why??
Sheila	[half-annoyed] Kyle, it's just what some people do.
Kyle	Are you gonna burn me?
Gerald	Kyle, that's not the issue right now.
Kyle	Jesus Christ!
Randy	The person's ashes are put into an urn, and that's where Kenny's body is.
Carol	You see boys, Kenny is in here. [opens the urn and pours out the contents, which are white now. Carol notices] What the??? [looks inside the urn] Wait a minute! This is kitty litter!
Cartman	[resigned, comes clean] Alright, alright, I drank the chocolate milk mix and replaced it with kitty litter.
Stuart	You WHAT??
Stan	Dude, don't you know what this means? You drank Kenny!
Cartman	[knowingly] Shut up!
Kyle	You did, dude! You drank his whole body!
Cartman	[knowingly] ... Shut up!
Carol	Oh my God! This is awful! [starts moving away. The other adults follow] And disgusting!
Liane	[stops and looks at Cartman mad] Bad, Eric, bad! [moves away]
Cartman	That explains it. Why I'm having Kenny's memories all the time. His soul is inside me.
Stan	Well, so much for our winning ticket. Cartman probably drank that with the rest of Kenny! [leaves the table]
Kyle	Yeah. Good job, fatass! [leaves the table]
Cartman	I can't live like this. I, I have to find a place where they remove living souls from your body.
	Day, Unplanned Parenthood, a place where they remove living souls from a pregnant woman's body, if you believe fetuses have souls... Cartman speaks to the nurse, who is sitting behind a desk writing absentmindedly.
Cartman	Looks like I've come to the right place.
Nurse	Can I help you?
Cartman	Yes, hello. I have a living thing inside of me that I need sucked out, please.
Nurse	You'll have to make an appointment; the charge is two hundred and thirty dollars.
Cartman	Two hundred and thirty dollars?? I just want you to vacuum him out of me and not put him up in a condominium! [a woman and her boyfriend enter the clinic. The woman sobs]
Boyfriend	It's gonna be okay, babe.
Cartman	Listen, lady! You've got to get this crap out of me! [the woman can't believe what she's hearing] I don't want him in me anymore! Just suck him up and throw him out!
Woman	Oh Steven, I can't go through with this! I have to keep it! [walks away from the clinic]
Steven	Damnit! Damnit! [turns and walks off, then looks back in] Thanks a lot, kid! [throws a rock at Cartman]
Cartman	Eh! [becomes catatonic once more, and another flashback comes]
	The scene is the sidewalk. Stan, Cartman and Kyle run up to Kenny.
Cartman	Kenny! Kenny! Kenny...
Stan	Kenny! Lolly's Candy Land is giving away a shopping spree! [the last few words echo a few times]
Kyle	We're all gonna pitch in on an entry! [the last few words echo a few times. Fast forward to the day the boys are at Lolly's]
Lolly	Alright! [rips a ticket in half and hands the stub to Stan] There you go. Hold on to that ticket stub. [the last few words echo a few times. He gives the ticket to Stan and walks off]
Stan	[hands the stub to Cartman] Hold on to this, Cartman. I might lose it. [the last few words echo a few times]
Cartman	[takes it, then hands it to Kyle] Nah, I'll lose it for sure. You keep track of it, Kyle, of it, Kyle, of it Kyle...
Kyle	Okay. [takes it, then has second thoughts] N-no, ah I don't want that much responsibility-bility. Here, you hold on to it, Kenny. [the last word echoes a few times. He hands the stub to Kenny]
Kenny	(Okay!) [the word echoes a few times. He takes it and pockets it. Fast forward to some time later, on the sidewalk]
Cartman	You'd better not lose that ticket, Kenny, or else I'll kick you in the nuts! The nuts! The nuts! [fast forward to Kenny's room. He walks to a locked box by the window while looking at the ticket stub. He unlocks it, puts the ticket in, and locks the box again.]
	Back to the present. Cartman comes to and knows where to go.
Cartman	The ticket! Kenny didn't have it on him when he died! He put it away somewhere! [walks up to a couple filling out paperwork] Don't you see? I can still have my candy shopping spree! Oh my God! [heads out the door] You guys! YOU GUYS!!
	The United Nations, day. In the main hall President Bush is speaking to the Assembly.
Bush	Ladies and gentlemen of the UN, we have evidence that Saddam Hussein is up there building weapons of mass destruction. [shows a picture of the ladder and another one of the clouds. Both pictures have areas circled in] We have tried to communicate with Saddam through a psychic to ask him to let us see his warehouses in heaven. But he has not "re-spond-ed".
Indian ambassador	Of course he has not responded, because he's DEAD!
Bush	Right. Dead, and in heaven.
Ambassador #1	This is preposterous! Even if there was a heaven, what makes you think Saddam Hussein's soul would be sent there?
Bush	Our intelligence tells us that when Saddam was originally killed, his soul actually went to hell. But while in hell he began a homosexual relationship with Satan, the Prince of Darkness. Satan, however, decided he didn't want to be with Hussein anymore and broke up with him around August. [the French Ambassador has tuned out] When Saddam became jealous and tried to kill Satan's new lover, Chris, Satan had Saddam sent to heaven to live with Mormons as a punishment. [the assembly is overcome with silence] Questions? [more silence. An ambassador raises his hand] Yes?
Ambassador #2	Are you high, or just incredibly stupid?
Bush	I assure you, I am not high.
	South Park, day. A tower has gone up around the ladder at the Marsh house. Helicopters and cranes hoist. On the ground Stan and Kyle sit on some lumber watching the military take over the construction. Cartman runs up to them.
Cartman	You guys! You guys! I saw the ticket! [Stan and Kyle rise and line up on either side of Cartman]
Kyle	What do you mean, fatass?
Cartman	I just had another vision, you buttholes. Kenny didn't keep the ticket with him, he put it away somewhere.
Stan	Where??
Cartman	I don't know. I got conked in the head down at the abortion clinic [Kyle looks down at the lumber, then looks at the pile behind him] and I clearly saw Kenny putting the ticket in a little red box. [Kyle fishes around for a small solid piece of lumber, then finds one and aims it at Cartman's head] I just have to wait for another vision to come. I could clearly see through Ken- [thunk] AY! [is dazed for a bit, then recovers none too pleased, then glares at Kyle]
Kyle	Do you see anything?
Cartman	Yes, Kyle. I see a DEAD JEW! [starts at Kyle, but Stan holds him back]
Stan	Whoawhoawhoa! Maybe Kyle's right. We gotta spark the vision somehow.
Cartman	Not by giving me brain damage!
Stan	Do you want a candy shopping spree or not?!
Cartman	[stares at Stan, then resigns to his former position] Alright, go ahead. [Kyle rears back and swings... thunk] AY!... no. [Kyle rears back and swings... thunk] AY!...
	Near the back of the house. The neighbors are watching the construction. Sharon and Sheila arrive.
Sharon	Randy! Gerald! We, we were wrong about heaven! The Japanese just reached it with their ladder!
Randy	What? [follows the ladies out with Gerald]
	Living room, seconds later.
Sharon	See for yourself!
	The SNN Japanese correspondent is on camera.
Nobunaga Hiroichi	This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting rive from hayben. [behind him is a set with clouds hanging from wires. Angels swing into place slowly] The great a-nation of Japan reached a-hayben today about eight o'crock Pacific Standard Time-eh. [one of the angels falls off her rope and hits the ground. The correspondent sees this and moves in front of her to block the shot. Someone enters the shot and plants a Japanese flag among the clouds] Therefore, hayben is now a-decrared an official part of Japan, because we got a-here first. And now for the weather in heaben, let's go to Natsako Semu.
Natsako Semu	Todeh weather in hebon, partry croudy.
Nobunaga	[fairly gloating] That's the news from heben. [the set creaks behind him and falls down, showing the studio.] Dame! Dame da! Bakayarou da!! ["No good! It's no good! Idiots!"]
	Living room, seconds later.
Randy	Oh God, and we told our boys they'd never reach heaven.
Gerald	Kids!
	Backyard. The crowd in and around the yard is immense now. George Bush and his staff are present.
Bush	Good. As soon as the boys finish their ladder we'll be ready to take Saddam out.
Sharon	Do you really think this is a good idea, Randy?
Randy	If Saddam is building weapons, we have to stop him. With our weapons. [behind the crowd Cartman, Stan and Kyle return with buckets of candy. That conking finally worked]
Stan	Ah, excuse me everyone! Uh, we're not working on the ladder anymore. Thank you, we're done. [everyone turns to look at the boys]
Some guy	Dude.
General	Not working on the ladder? But the Japanese won't let us use theirs.
Kyle	Kenny didn't have the ticket stub. It was in his room. So we got all our candy, and you can all go home.
Randy	Wait, are you saying that you boys only wanted to build a ladder to heaven so you could get some candy??
Cartman	...I've never heard the words "only" and "candy" in the same sentence before.
Field reporter	But... what about your lost friend? What about your fragile innocence and believing we could all get to heaven?
Stan	Yeah, well people make us kids believe that heaven is this white place with fluffy clouds and angels...
Kyle	Yeah, but now we think maybe heaven isn't a place you can get to, maybe heaven is just an idea. A frame of mind or, or something gay like that. Maybe heaven... is this moment, right now.
General	So, you're saying we should bomb this moment, right now. Right! Johnson!
Johnson	Sir!
Randy	No, no. We shouldn't bomb anybody. These boys are right. The only heaven we can hope for is one here on earth, now. We should stop waiting to get into heaven and start trying to... create it.
Crowd	Awwww. [the crowd begins to disperse and people begin to cry in appreciation]
Bush	[moving off with his staff] And I was dumb enough to believe Saddam could actually be up there buildin' bombs.
Alan Jackson	Where were you when they decided heaven was a more intangible idea 'n you couldn't, you couldn't really get there? [walks up to the boys] You little bastards ruined my latest song! [drives his guitar into the snow, breaking it, then walks away]
Kyle	Well, I'm sure glad this is all over with. Let's go count our candy.
Stan	Yeah. But what about Kenny. His soul is still in Cartman's body.
Cartman	[chuckles] No no, I just drank his memories. I'm not sharing my body with that poor piece of crap. Stop calling me poor, you fat dick! [looks stunned] ...Oh Jesus Christ.
Kyle	Whoa. [shakes Cartman around] Kenny, you in there?
Cartman	Stop it! Where am I, you guys? Oh God! [runs off]
Stan	Dude, come back here! [chases after Cartman]
Kyle	Stop him, Kenny! [follows them off. The camera suddenly pans up]
	Heaven. Weapons of mass destruction are seen among the clouds. Saddam is right there shouting directions.
Saddam Hussein	Keep those nitrogen capsules over there by the warheads! Right. Chop-chop. Come on!
God	[a bright beam of light lands on Saddam, who shields his eyes] Saddam. I've been hearing rumors that you're secretly building weapons of mass destruction up here.
Saddam Hussein	Weapons of mass destruction? Nooo! This is a chocolate chip factory. See? [displays boxes of "Saddam's Heavenly Chocolate Chips"]
God	It looks like a chemical weapons plant.
Saddam Hussein	Look, God, if I was gonna secretly build a chemical weapons plant, I wouldn't make it look like a chemical weapons plant, would I? I'd make it look like a chocolate chip factory or something.
God	...Alright, just checking. [removes the beam of light]
Saddam Hussein	[giggles] Stupid asshole! [goes back to work]
End of A Ladder to Heaven