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"Dead Kids/Script" | "A Boy And A Priest/Script" | "The Problem with a Poo/Script" | 
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Cast
- Eric Cartman
- Butters Stotch
- Stan Marsh
- Kyle Broflovski
- Clyde Donovan
- Father Maxi
- Randy Marsh
- Sharon Marsh
- Shelly Marsh
- Stephen Stotch
- Linda Stotch
- Ryan Valmer
- Stuart McCormick
- Mr. Mackey
- Jimbo Kern
- Ted and Hazel
- Josie and Townsman (her husband)
- Townsfolk
- Archbishop, Auxiliary bishop, Assistant, and Priest
Script
| A Boy And A Priest | |
| The Marsh house, day. The family exits and goes to the car. Stan's right arm is in a cast and sling from last week's gunshot at the end of the episode. | |
| Come on, guys, we don't wanna be late! | |
| [trailing behind] Do I have to go? It's the only day I get to play games. | |
| We're all going. Come on! [the others get in] | |
| On the road. Stan sits behind Randy, Shelley sits behind Sharon | |
| [upset] don't understand why we have to go every Sunday. | |
| Church is important, Stan. Way more important than video games and TV. Church is about community and coming together. A lot of things. | |
| All I know is that after church I feel better. | |
| Yeah. Me too. | |
| The church, day. There's a parking lot across from the Church, and the townsfolk park there for Sunday Mass. There's a crosswalk leading to the Church across the street. The Marshes pull in and say hello to the others | |
| Hey, mornin' Stephen, Linda. | |
| [chuckling] Morning, guys. | |
| After crossing the street, Randy plays doorman to the other congregants | |
| Aww thanks there, Randy. | |
| You got it- hey, where's Josie? | |
| Oh, she slipped her disc in her neck. Poor thing can barely move. | |
| Aw, she's gonna miss church? That's too bad. Give her my best. [other congregants move past him as he talks] | |
| The church, interior. The congregants are in. Father Maxi finishes reading from the Gospel of John, chapter 3 | |
| For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, [adjusts his glasses over his left eye] so that whoever believed in him should have eternal life. This is the Gospel of the Lord. | |
| Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ. [all sit] | |
| [begins his sermon] Today's gospel talks about what the Lord has to give us. He did so because we could not control our temptations. | |
| Kind of like a priest in a room full of naked boys. [snorts and other people start laughing] | |
| Uh Okay, okay, let's, let's try and have none of that today. In John 3:16, the Gospel tells us how God so loved the world he gave to us his only Son | |
| And a Catholic priest raped him. [all laugh] | |
| Okay, okay, Co-come on guys, Nu-now, what greater gift could the Lord has given to us? | |
| Children's underwear which priests couldn't pull down so easily? [all laugh] | |
| Okay, let's, let's try to compose ourselves. Let's try and just get through this first one, okay guys? What does it mean that the Lord gave us his only begotten Son? | |
| It means that if you're a cute boy at a Catholic priest's swimming party you'd better be gettin'! [The congregants laugh. Randy gets carried and falls on the aisle laughing and pounding his fists on the floor.] | |
| The Church. Mass ends and the congregant's exit. | |
| Oh, that was a great one, Nelson. Salvation in a little boy's mouth. I'm gonna post that one for sure. | |
| Who said the thing about naked boy salad? | |
| Oh that was Linda! | |
| Well, see ya next week, everybody! [waves and moves off to his left] | |
| Yeah, see ya! See ya! Bye. | |
| The Marsh car, on the way home | |
| I really don't understand the point of all that. | |
| [chuckles] Yeah, well, I used to think that about church when I was a kid too. | |
| But back then I don't know if church was that stupid. | |
| Hey, don't say things like that, Stan! You wanna go to fuckin' Hell? | |
| The Church, sometime later. Father Maxi is blowing out the candles, looking sad. Butters enters quietly through the back. Maxi walks to the front pew and sits down, then sighs. Butters walks up to him | |
| Father, can I talk to you? | |
| Oh, of course, my child. What's troubling you? | |
| Well, what's troubling you? [sits down next to Maxi] You know, at school the kids used to all make fun of me sometimes. One kid would say something mean, a-and then the other kids would laugh. I know how lousy it feels. I learned to just walk away, not give 'em all the satisfaction. | |
| Well, we can't all walk away. The-the priesthood is all I know. I, I dedicated my entire life to it. Ah I don't know anything else. | |
| I know it seems impossible. I thought I'd be a punching bag my whole life, but now, I'm one of the popular kids. I even get invited to board game night at Stan's house. My point is, sometimes, y-you just gotta put yourself out there. | |
| The Marsh house, night. The four boys are seated at a table eating pepperoni pizza and drinking sodas. They're playing a board game called Western Legends. Cartman is wearing a straw hat for the occasion. There's the fifth card and chair waiting for someone to fill it | |
| I wanna be Calamity Jane this time. | |
| How many cards do you start with, Kenny? | |
| (Two cards.) [the front door opens and the boys turn to see who it is] | |
| Oh, there's Butters! | |
| [walks in] Oh hey, fellas. I hope you don't mind I brought a friend. Come on in. [steps aside for his friend to appear - it's Fr. Maxi] | |
| Uh, hello, my children. [walks in. The boys just stare at him. Moments later he's seated with them, between Stan and Cartman, and Butters sits next to Kyle.] | |
| Okay, so I-I guess I'm gonna go to the saloon and try to arrest Cartman. | |
| Let's see what you got, bitch. | |
| So, Kyle, did you know Father is a really good singer? You like to sing too, don't you? | |
| No. | |
| Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good. Sing praise to his name, for that is pleasant. | |
| Ace. You lose. [Stan's jaw drops] | |
| [coming down from the second floor] Hey Stan, [Stan sits up] have you seen my- [sees Fr. Maxi at the table, has a stunned look, then smiles, then] No way! [searches his pockets for the phone] Hang on! Hang on! I gotta post this! | |
| [quickly gets up to leave] Uh, I shouldn't be here. | |
| This is hilarious! [takes some pics] Four boys and a priest playing a board game! | |
| Aw, Father, wait a- | |
| I should go. | |
| Nononoait, let me get the picture. [Maxi goes out the front door and disappears] | |
| Father! [follows Maxi out and closes the door] | |
| Aw shit, I missed it! | |
| Ugh. [looks at Stan] Why did you invite Butters to game night? | |
| I didn't invite him. [Cartman looks at Kenny, who just looks back] | |
| On the sidewalk. Maxi looks dejected as he walks away. Butters catches up | |
| Come on, Father, you can't give up so fast. | |
| This is just gonna make things way worse. People will rip on me. | |
| Who cares? Who cares what people say? | |
| I do. | |
| Aw, come on, you gotta be strong! | |
| [turns around] Why do you care?! | |
| Because I was you. Okay? I wasn't always this cool. I've been through it. But then one day, somebody told me something. he said "life is full of love and light and bountiful things," and you know who told me that? you did! Two years ago, in church! You have a right to go and be happy! And if people wanna keep tryin' to knock you down, well, fuck 'em! | |
| The Church, the following Sunday. The congregants gather again. In the parking lot, The Marshes see Mr. Mackey | |
| Hey, mornin' Mackey! | |
| Well Happy Sunday! Mornin' Ted, Hazel. | |
| Mornin'. | |
| Morning. | |
| Morning. [all head to church] | |
| Ah, doin' better, huh, Josie? | |
| A lot better. Thank you. | |
| All right. [now at the church doors, tries to open then, no avail] Huh. What the? [realizes that the doors are locked] It's not open. | |
| Let me try. [goes up and tries to open the doors] | |
| Hey! Hey, it's nine o'clock! Hey! | |
| What's going on? [the doors unlock and open, and Butters steps out] | |
| [points him out] Ohhh! [the others laugh] | |
| There's no church today! You all are just gonna have to find some'n' better to do! [slams the doors shut and locks them.] | |
| Hey... [tries to get them open again] Hey, open the door! Hey, come on! [pulls the doors harder and grunts] | |
| The car, on the way home. No Mass today, so that's it. | |
| Well this sucks. What are we supposed to do without church? | |
| I just feel so empty. | |
| What are you guys so upset about? | |
| Shut up, Shelley! | |
| A clearing in the woods outside of town, night. Randy and Butters are enjoying a small campfire, with marshmallows roasting on the open fire. They sit on two folding chairs | |
| Isn't this great, Father? Fresh mountain air, a nice warm fire, a nice warm fire. | |
| I have to admit it's a pretty nice way to spend a Sunday. How many are your works, Lord? In wisdom you made them all. | |
| Yeah, the Lord is pretty cool. | |
| He is. Because he brought me you. | |
| A song comes on whose only verse is "Faith In Christ." The montage that accompanies it starts with Maxi and Butters walking through the forest. Maxi points to a bird. Maxi and Butters row in a canoe. Butters and Maxi sit on a bench at Stark's pond watching the sunset. They watch a family of ducks floats by. Maxi puts his right arm around Butters, Butters puts his left hand on Maxi's lap. They go to the movies and enjoy some snacks. A couple to their left just stares at them. They're in the park on some swings when the four boys stop by and look at them, then continue walking. They're at the organ in church. Maxi plays some tunes for Butters. Maxi shows Butters some Bible verses on the computer. At the public library, Maxi holds Butters a little closer, Butters puts his left hand over his right shoulder and cups it over Maxi's right hand. A man picks out from his computer nearby and looks at them. In his bedroom, Butters shows Maxi the fun he has in playing Professor Chaos. Back in the woods, at night, Maxi shows Butters a shooting star. Still in the woods, during the day, Butters points out a cloud formation that sort of resembles a dove. | |
| The cathedral in Denver, day. The archbishop sits at his desk writing something down. The phone rings. He answers it. | |
| Denver archdiocese. The Lord be with you. | |
| [outside the church in South Park] And with your spirit, m'kay? Uh, oh my name is Counselor Mackey, and w-uh we seem to be havin' a little problem with our local church here in South Park. OUr uh... our priest has gone missing. | |
| [mutes the phone and whhispers] Oh, not another one! [unmutes the phone] All right, listen to me carefully. Your local priest has not done anything wrong. He's probably just taking some time off. Why is that suspicious? | |
| Well, it's not suspicious, we just kind of don't know what to do, you know? Uh. | |
| We'll take care of it. There's no need to involve the authorities. Just sit tight. [hangs up and switches to another line] Send in a clean-up crew now! [the doors quickly open and the clean-up crew appears.] We've got another one. A priest on South Park has gone rogue and is probably out doing his thing. I need you guys to get up there and clean up his mess. | |
| Don't worry, Your Holiness. By the time we're done with that town there won't be a lick of cum anywhere. | |
| KidZone Roller Rink, day. Happy birthday, Clyde. Kids and adults skate in the center of the building while others sit outside the rink eating. At the birthday gathering, Kyle approaches Clyde and talks to him. Butters appears. Throughout the scene, "Flash Light" plays | |
| Happy birthday, Clyde! [behind him is Fr. Maxi. They both have gifts for Clyde.] Hope you don't mind I brought a friend. | |
| For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works. | |
| Dude, what are you talking about?! | |
| Come on, Father. Let's go tear up the skating rink. [they drop their gifts off and head to the rink. Clyde is angered by Fr. Maxi's presence, and Kyle notices.] | |
| Just leave it alone, Clyde. Butters brings him everywhere. | |
| I don't care, I don't want a priest at my fucking birthday party! | |
| [turns to calm Clyde down] It's all right, Clyde, it's all right. | |
| In the rink, Butters tries to get Fr. Maxi to fit in. | |
| That's it! You're doing great! | |
| Uh-ah. Oh, Mother Mary. I feel like everyone's staring at me. [he's not wrong...] | |
| Nobody's staring. I'm gonna get us some soda pop. You just mingle with the other fellas![skates off] | |
| Skeeter's wine bar, day. "A Place To Fall Apart" plays and the front doors are wide open. Randy and Stuart sit at the bar. Randy drinks some wine, Stuart some beer | |
| What's it all about, huh? Are we just bags of carbon and water put on this planet for no purpose? You're born, you die, then you're just... food for the worms. | |
| It all does seem pretty meaningless. | |
| [appears in the doorway] Hey, the church is back open! There are people inside! | |
| What? | |
| The church is back open? | |
| Oh boy! Let's go let's go let's go let's go! | |
| The church is back open! Thank God! Let's go! | |
| The church, inside. The cleanup crew is there doing its work. | |
| Scrub everything! Police can detect even a milligram of cum and rectal blood! | |
| [enters with other bar patrons] Hey! | |
| Oh uh, hello my children. The Lord be with you. | |
| And with your spirit. | |
| What uh, what are you guys doing? | |
| Oh, we're just giving the place a nice scrub down while we wait for your priest to come back. He was called to South America last week. | |
| Last week? No, he was at my house a couple of days ago playing board games with the boys. | |
| [turns the vacuum cleaner off. His assistants look at Randy] No he wasn't. Look, I assure you everything is fine. Your priest will be back. Just have some patience. | |
| Awww. | |
| Come on, guys. [the townsmen turn around and leave] | |
| The Marsh house. Having spoken to Randy, the cleanup crew heads to his house and scrubs it down, They're working on the table. | |
| Scrub everything. Bleach those board-game pieces. You find something on that chair? | |
| It's either blood and cum, or ketchup and mayo. [the priest is scrubbing down Cartman's chair] | |
| Well, just get rid of it. Bleach the entire top of the table. That's probably where he mounted them. | |
| [comes down the stairs and approaches the crew] Uh, excuse me. | |
| [turns to face him] Oh. Hello, my son. | |
| What are you doing? | |
| What are we doing about what? | |
| Well, I mean, it looks like you're scrubbing and bleaching our tables and chairs. | |
| Mmm mmm, that's not what's going on. Your local priest was never here, actually. | |
| Yeah he was. I played with him. | |
| Oh, you did! [whispers loudly to the priest behind him] Better get the Kumby. [the priest walks off] | |
| What's a Kumby? | |
| We're just here to cleanse your spirit, my child. | |
| [returns with an odd tool] Praise be to Christ. [the Kumby looks like a portable wet/dry vacuum cleaner worn like a backpack. The priest uses it to wipe Stan down] | |
| KidZone Roller Rink, day. The kids sing "Happy Birthday" to Clyde. Clyde blows out the candles. In the background "More Bounce To The Ounce" plays | |
| Yaaay! | |
| And now let us pray. | |
| Awww. | |
| Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts. which we are about to receive. | |
| Kyle, will you do something please?! | |
| [quoting Psalm 78:26] He caused the east wind to blow in the heavens... | |
| Why me? | |
| [gritting his teeth] Kyle! | |
| ...through Christ our Lord. Amen. | |
| [walks up to Butters] Uh, Butters, can I talk to you really fast? | |
| Wow! Sure, Kyle. Be right back, Father. [follows Kyle away] | |
| All right, my child. | |
| A snack room nearby. Kyle waits for Butters there, and Butters walks in | |
| Huh-what's up? | |
| Butters, you know, you can just bring your priest with you everywhere. I mean, sometimes the guys just wanna do stuff and not have a priest around. | |
| What are you saying, Kyle? | |
| I'm saying it's just kind of awkward, Butters. [Fr. Maxi goes to look for these two boys and just happens to walk by the snack room. He stops just short of the doorway and listens] He's bumming everybody out. Nobody wants to hear about Jesus at a birthday party. | |
| Well, of course, you don't. | |
| It's not just me. It's everyone, Butters. He can try all he wants, but he just doesn't belong here. [Maxi's face drops, then he walks away quietly] | |
| Well I'm sorry for tryin' to help out somebody who didn't have anywhere else to turn. We'll both just leave. I thought you were better than that, Kyle. [walks out] | |
| KidZone Roller Rink, outside. A van arrives carrying the cleanup crew. The song they're listening to is "Faith In Christ," which played earlier. A new song starts as the cleanup crew fans out across the rink | |
| All right, clean and scrub everything. I want it spotless! Get any evidence the priest might have left behind. | |
| There's something over here, [tastes the frosting on Clyde's slice of cake] but I can't tell if it's cum or frosting. | |
| It's an 8-year-old's birthday party. Of course, it's cum. Get the Kumby! | |
| [arrives with the Kumby and wipes Clyde down] Praise be to Christ. | |
| [approaches Cartman and wipes him down with a cloth. Cartman panics a bit] Hello, young man. We're looking for your town priest. Was he here? | |
| Yeah, but he left with Butters. | |
| Tell me about this Butters. | |
| All right, that does it! [the priest is now wiping down his back] Get out of my birthday party or else I'm gonna call the police! [the priest turns the Kumby off and stands up] | |
| Twin Pines strip mall, day. Butters wanders the parking lot looking for Fr. Maxi. | |
| Father! Father? Has anybody seen my priest? Father, where'd you go? [Maxi is sitting by a Dumpster and raises his head when he hears Butters approaching. Butters then sees him] There you are! I've been looking everywhere. | |
| Just leave me alone. | |
| But you're missin' the party! | |
| Look, your friends are right, okay? I don't belong there. I, I don't belong anywhere. [gets up and walks away] | |
| [follows Maxi through the parking lot] But, they just don't understand you like I do. | |
| Stop defending me! There are things you don't know! | |
| But it's not your fault. | |
| Yes it is! It is my fault! | |
| Why?! | |
| [turns around and faces Butters] Because I knew, all right?! I knew! Years ago, when bad things started coming out about the Catholic Church, I went to the Vatican and ... I found out that the problem was worse than anyone even thought. I thought I could help fix it, so, I kept my mouth shut. I thought there was cancer in the Church that we could get rid of. But the Church is cancer. It's not about a few bad apples. There are only a few good apples, and I'm clearly not one of them. So just stay away from me! | |
| But... I thought we were pals. | |
| You thought wrong. [turns around and walks away. Butters shrinks a little in worry] | |
| The neighborhood, evening. Butters walks down the street with his head down. A vehicle comes up behind him - it's the cleanup crew's van. The auxiliary bishop looks out the window and gets Butters' attention | |
| Hey. Hey there. What's the matter, my child? Did you know that Jesus loves you? | |
| Sometimes I wonder. | |
| "And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me." [Galatians 2:20. He dangles a candy bar in front of Butters.] Want a Three Musketeers? | |
| ...No thanks. | |
| You like camping trips? You wanna go camping? | |
| No. | |
| I got a bunny in the back. You wanna see the bunny? | |
| [perks up] Well, okay! [the bishop takes him to the back and opens the doors. Butters frowns] Stan? | |
| I have no idea what's going on. | |
| Worst birthday ever! [the priests toss Butters in to join Stan and Clyde, then slam the doors shut] | |
| The Marsh house. Randy watches TV, but doesn't see anything he likes. | |
| Boring [click] Dumb. [click] Stupid. [click] Good, but dated in its view of gender norms. [The doorbell rings and he slumps a bit] Wugh. [gets up and answers it. Fr. Maxi is at the door] | |
| Hello, Mr. Marsh. | |
| Father! [turns around, dancing] Hey, hey Sharon, it's Father! | |
| M, Mr. Marsh- | |
| He's back! | |
| -please. | |
| Hey, Father's back! | |
| I'm just going around trying to locate little Butters Stotch. I thought he might be here playing a board game with your son? | |
| Oh uh, no. I haven't seen, Butters. Or Stan. But Father, please, we all need church. | |
| I'm sorry, but I have to keep looking. [turns around and leaves] I said some terrible things. | |
| Please, Father, we're all lost, and the cleanup crew hasn't helped at all. | |
| [stops and turns around] What cleanup crew? | |
| The forest, night. Stan, Clyde, and Butters have been stripped and tied up, but have enough freedom to roast marshmallows. Wolves and owls are heard. The priests hide behind a bush nearby | |
| Any sign of him? | |
| No, but this should draw him out. The cute one says it's where he and the priest first got together. | |
| All right, when the priest gets here, we'll take care of him and then eradicate this place of any evidence. | |
| Should I bring out the Kumby? | |
| No, this is gonna be a bigger job than that. Bring out... the Kumboni. [moments later, the priest drives up in a Kumboni] | |
| The Stotch house, day. Stephen and Linda are sitting on the sofa watching TV. The phone rings and Stephen answers it. | |
| Hey Randy, what's up? | |
| [driving] Stephen! Stephen, listen! The boys are missing! Fr. Maxi thinks they've been taken by the other priests! | |
| [jumps up from the sofa and walks away from it] Taken by priests?? Should we call the police or buy some condoms? [smiles] | |
| [laughs] Okay. Okay-okay, that was good. [mood change] But seriously, we have to find these guys! The boys are in danger! | |
| But where would priests go this late at night? | |
| To a midnight sale at Boys 'R' Us? | |
| What-what'd she say? | |
| She said, "To a midnight sale at Boys 'R' Us." | |
| Can, can I post that? | |
| Sure, she doesn't care. | |
| [grabs the phone from Randy] Give me that! Mr. Stotch, have you heard from Butters at all?! | |
| Well yeah, we got a really weird text from him saying not to worry, he needed to do some camping. | |
| [puts down the phone] Oh my Lord. I know where to go. And when we get there... I'll need to go in alone. | |
| Yeah I'll bet. [snickers] | |
| The forest clearing. The assistant looks around | |
| He's not showing up. | |
| Try the priest call. [the assistant pulls out a calling device similar to a duck call and blows into it] | |
| I love Jeeesus! I love Jeeesus! | |
| [turns around] I don't think he's coming. | |
| Oh he's coming all right. Just not here. Let's start packing up. You. [points at the priest] Get on the Kumboni and eradicate this place along with everything in it. | |
| Yes, your Holiness. | |
| Wait! [arrives at the clearing] | |
| Father. | |
| You wanted to find me? Well, here I am. I know why you're here. The Church can't have... someone like me going around making it look bad. So go ahead. [turns away] Do it. Just get it over with. | |
| What?? No! | |
| You think we searched all over town and set up this trap to kill you? We're Catholics! We're here to give you what you deserve! A full transfer to the beautiful Maldive Islands. Luxury airfare and beach house included! [theh other two priests applaued] | |
| A transfer? | |
| The Church took care of everything, just like it always has from the beginning. "Thank you for cleaning up all my cum." | |
| I can just... go? I can start over in the Maldives? | |
| No one will make fun of you there. They can't even speak English. And don't worry, there'll be plenty of priests to take your place here. Look, I know it's a big change, but... you know what you have to do. | |
| Yes, I do. I don't think I have any other choice. | |
| No. He can't. | |
| Well, our work here is done! Praise be to Christ, guys. It certainly was a tough one, but I think we got everything cleaned up and- [the Kumboni starts up and smashes through some trees. Fr. Maxi is driving it right at the priests.] Aaaaugh! | |
| The Kumboni! Aaah! [Maxi mows him down and kills him] Aaaaagh! Aah! | |
| Aaaaugh! Aaaaugh! [Maxi mows him down and kills him] | |
| [Maxi is hot on his trail] No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. [Maxi mows him down, killing him. Moments later, Maxi stops the engine and walks up to the boys] | |
| Father, you did it! | |
| I'm so sorry, my child. I never meant to say we weren't pals. | |
| Does that mean you're gonna stay? | |
| Of course. Now I have purpose, and I have meaning. My job here is to protect you. All of you. | |
| The church, Sunday morning. The doors open and Fr. Maxi is back in his robes looking at the congregants | |
| The Lord be with you. | |
| And with your spirit. [they go in] | |
| After the Gospel, Fr. Maxi launches into his sermon | |
| Today I'd like to talk on the subject of penance. The penitent... have deep remorse, but for true penance, we must be humble enough to admit that the Lord's forgiveness is undeserved. | |
| Kind of like how getting raped by a Catholic priest is undeserved. [all laugh] | |
| In Job 42:6 we read "Therefore, I reprehend myself and do penance in dust and ashes" | |
| And in choir boys' butts and asses. [all laugh] | |
| So we are not to punish ourselves, but instead, we are to make ourselves passionate. | |
| Like a Catholic priest at a Chuck E. Cheese. [all laugh] | |
| Oh God, it's good to have my faith back! | |
| Passionate to understand all that Christ sacrificed, and how hard it truly was. | |
| How hard what truly was? [all laugh] | |
| #cancelsouthpark | |
| End of A Boy And A Priest | |
| |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Story Elements |
Randy Marsh • Butters Stotch • Stan Marsh • Father Maxi • Catholic Cleanup Crew • South Park Church • Kidzone Roller Rink • "Happy Birthday to You" | ||||
| Media |
Images • Script • Extras • Watch Episode | ||||
| Release | |||||