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Cast

Script

200
At a fudge factory for a field trip, a tour guide shows Mr. Garrison's class around the factory
Tour Guide
Our factory works 24/7 to produce candy, and we have over 500 employees. Here you can see where the cocoa is mixed with the sugar and milk.
Cartman
Wow, coo'... [snaps a picture] Chocolate rules!
Kyle
You should know, fatass.
Cartman
AY! I'm not fat, you sneaky Jew!
Stan
Oh God, you guys, really? This again? [the students all move to the next spot in the tour]
Tour Guide
And here is where all the fudge is put into boxes to be shipped all over the world.
Kyle
Kinda like Cartman's dad shipped out on him.
Cartman
I have a dad, butthole. My mom is my dad.
Stan
You guys, stop! All you're doing is rehashing a bunch of old stuff! [everyone moves on except Butters, who spots something]
Butters
Hey, Stan, isn't that Tom Cruise?
Stan
Huh? [Tom Cruise is packing fudge into boxes with a hat pulled low over his face] Oh, wow it is! Hey, guys, check it out. Tom Cruise is a fudge packer!
Tom Cruise
What did you call me?
Cartman
Hey, that is Tom Cruise! [snaps a picture]
Butters
How come you're packin' fudge, Mr. Cruise?
Tom Cruise
I'm not a fudge packer!
Kyle
Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything.
Tom Cruise
But I'm not a fudge packer! [packs a block of fudge into a box]
Stan
Then why are you packing fudge?
Tom Cruise
I'm not. I'm a very busy actor. I'm just trying to get away for a week and do some fly fishing! [pushes more fudge into boxes]
Stan
Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge.
Tom Cruise
Oh, that does it. I will SUE you!
Stan
For what?
Tom Cruise
You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it! [Mr. Garrison walks over]
Mr. Garrison
Hey, is that fudge packer Tom Cruise?
Tom Cruise
That's it! [throws his hat away] I'm suing this entire intolerant town!
Stan
But, dude-
Tom Cruise
No buts! You wanna to accuse somebody of being a fudgepacker, you're gonna pay the consequences!
At Tom Cruise's mountain lodge, a big crowd of celebrities has gathered.
Tom Cruise
Guys, I want to really thank you all for coming. Shockingly, I've just been slandered once again in the town of South Park, something I know you can all relate to. [all celebrities nod and agree]
Tiger Woods
That town just seems to be a hotbed of hatred and lies!
Bono
I'm fed up with it. That town suggested that I was made of shit!
Tom Cruise
Yeah, well, I was just over there doing some fly fishing and this little boy walks up and calls me a fudge packer! [The celebrities all are shocked and appealed] I know, right? And then other kids in the town and their teacher start joining in. [Sally Struthers is taking up the whole couch, except for the small place of an annoyed Mickey Mouse.]
Sally Struthers
South Park, Colorado, is the most racist, insensitive, and bigoted place in this country! [George Lucas holding onto a ball-gagged Indiana Jones]
George Lucas
That town thinks they can say whatever they want about people and get away with it!
Paris Hilton
If anyone has a gripe against that shithole, it's me! [coughs up some semen, then rubs it on John Travolta's crotch]
Tom Cruise
Yeah, well, I say enough. All of us together can put a stop to that slander coming from that town once and for all! No longer will they make snide remarks about whoever they want.
All Celebrities
YEAH!
Jared Fogle
Hey, Tom, I ate too much Subway. Where's your bathroom?
Tom Cruise
Oh, just the door down the hall there, Jared. [Jared opens the door to find a closet] No, no, no, that's a closet. Go down more. [Jared opens another door, which is also a closet.] No, that's a closet too. [Jared opens a door, and once again it is a closet] Nope, Jared, that's a closet too. [Jared opens another door, it is another closet] No. [Jared opens two more doors, both closets] That's a closet... No that- that's a closet too.
At South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's class.
Principal Victoria
[over the PA system] Stan Marsh to the principal's office. Stan Marsh, come to the principal's office immediately!
Kyle
Dude, what did you do?
Stan
I have no idea...
Walks into Victoria's office to discover his parents, the mayor, the counselor, Kyle's parents, and the police
Randy
You just had to push it, didn't you, Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again!
Principal Victoria
Did you call him a fudge packer?
Stan
Aww... he was packing fudge!
Mayor
Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit, along with 200 other celebrities!
Mr. Mackey
They are going to sue the bejezzus out of this entire town, m'kay!
Stan
It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer, even Mr. Gar-
Principal Victoria
But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.
Gerald
Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers!
Sgt. Yates
Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you have just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?!
Randy
Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!
Back at the fudge factory, Tom Cruise is busy packing fudge as Stan and Randy stand behind him. Stan has taken off his hat and looks at the floor guiltily.
Randy
Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry, and he would do anything to take back his hurtful comments.
Tom Cruise
That's nice! [punches the button to take away fudge he just packed] I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer! [pushes fudge into a box]
Randy
Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But maybe you could see how, since you do... take fudge and... pack it into a box... [Tom Cruise turns around]
Tom Cruise
WHAT?
Randy
We-, I-I'm just saying that you are employed currently as a person who... packages...
Tom Cruise
I am an actor. I do not pack fudge! [turns around and throws a piece of fudge into a box angrily]
Randy
Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a... hat that says "Fred's Fudge and Candies"... and you are... Look it doesn't matter. Just please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer again. [Tom Cruise sighs and backs away from his fudge packing station]
Tom Cruise
Well, there is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.
Randy
ANYTHING! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise.
Tom Cruise
It's just that there's somebody that I have always wanted to meet... face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town-
Randy
Sure! Who is it? We can get anybody for you.
Tom Cruise
Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.
Stan
Ooooooo...
Randy
That's... tricky...
Tom Cruise
Well, then you can just get sued! [Returns to packing fudge]
Randy
Mr. Cruise, if there is anybody else we could bring to town, we-
Tom Cruise
No! Just him. You get Muhammad to appear in South Park, or your little town is DONE!
South Park Town Meeting Hall. Angry chatter is heard while Randy is speaking to the audience, with Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Mayor and her aides sitting on chairs beside him.
Randy
Okay, people, I know, I know. But he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park.
Mr. Garrison
Are you nuts? If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed! [audience shouts in agreement]
Stephen
We don't know that. Maybe enough time has passed, and now it's now OKAY to show Muhammad.
Kyle
[to Tolkien] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.
Mr. Mackey
But even if it were safe for Muhammad to come, how would we ever find him?
Sgt. Yates
Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off limits and censored, so nobody has seen what Muhammad looks like. [shows the whole audience. Stan in the middle raises his hand]
Stan
I saw him once. [everyone turns towards Stan]
McDaniels
[steps forward] You did?
Stan
Yeah, a while ago, my friends joined David Blaine's cult, and I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them, Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, and what- he was just out in the open where everybody could see him and nobody got bombed?
Stan
No, dude, it was totally fine.
Sgt. Yates
Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all?
Stan
Well, a giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln...
Randy
Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I've done a lot of research and I have completed a sketch of what Muhammad might look like today. [holds up a file and begins to open it]
Mr. Garrison
No, don't! [Randy holds it up to reveal a poorly drawn stick figure] Is that okay to show?
Jimbo
I don't know. I guess we'll see.
Tom Cruise's Lodge
Hillary Clinton
Tom, what is up with this Muhammad thing? It doesn't make sense!
Jesse Jackson
Yeah, you said we were just suing South Park.
Tom Cruise
No, I said we were going to use South Park to make sure we never got ripped on again. Look, people, all of us get ridiculed, but who is the one person on this earth who is completely free from slander?
Oprah Winfrey
You want Muhammad because he can't be ridiculed?
Tom Cruise
Muhammad has a power that makes him impervious to being made fun of. What if we could harness that power? [moves over to Jimmy Buffet] Jimmy Buffet, how would you like it if nobody could call your music drunken frat boy monkey garbage?
Jimmy Buffett
I... I'd love it!
Tom Cruise
By taking what Muhammad has, we could all be safe from ridicule. [walks to the bar next to Tim Burton] Like Tim Burton here. Imagine it Tim; nobody could rip on you for all the rehashed movies you've made lately. There'd never be a TV show that pointed out that you have never had an original idea since Beetlejuice. And, you put Johnny Depp and the same crappy music in every film. And if you're that in love with Johnny Depp, you should just have sex with him already. A TV show could never say that!
Tim Burton
Gee, that'd be swell.
Tom Cruise
Well it can be a reality. Once we have Muhammad, we can take his power from him. [Cartman walks in]
Cartman
Excuse me... [the celebrities turn around] This is the home of Tom Cruise, right?
Tom Cruise
Hey! It's one of the boys from South Park who slandered me!
Cartman
I didn't come for myself. I'm just an escort for another celebrity who wants to get in on your lawsuit...
Michael Richards
Who? [Cartman lifts up his hand and takes off his glove, revealing fake hair and painted on lips. It is Jennifer Lopez.]
Jennifer Lopez
Alllloooo... [celebrities gasp]
Tom Cruise
Jennifer Lopez! [celebrities crowd around saying hellos to Jennifer]
Jennifer Lopez
Yes, I am Hennifer Lopez, and I like tacos and burritos.
Turns into the opening theme for the Super Best Friends Show. As religious figures pop onto the screen, the one to the left of the middle is blocked with a giant bar reading CENSORED
Narrator
In the great hall of the Super Best Friends, there are assembled the leaders of the world's biggest religions; Jesus! [Jesus smiles and hammers a wood board] Buddha! [Buddha pries apart the screen] Krishna! [Krishna snaps his fingers and becomes a beaver] Muhammad! [Muhammad is walking down a street, but he has been replaced with a giant bar reading CENSORED] Lao Tzu and Joseph Smith [Walking down a corridor like the opening of Scooby Doo] and... the mighty Semen! [The word "Seaman" appears on the screen, but he says semen]
Seaman
It's not semen, it's Seaman!
Narrator
[covering up a laugh] Their mission; to right back which is wrong, and to serve all mankind.
Stan and Kyle are sitting at a table, surrounded by the Super Best Friends except for Muhammad.
Stan
Jesus, all we are asking you to do is bring Muhammad to our town for like an hour.
Jesus
My son, much has changed since you were last here. Muhammad cannot make public appearances.
Buddha
We simply cannot risk any violence from the Muslim people
Stan
Awww, not you guys too... Jesus fucking Christ!
Narrator
Later, at the hall of the Super Best Friends...
Kyle
Okay, will you let Muhammad come to South Park if we dress him like a pirate?
Joseph Smith
No, Muslims would still be angry if you showed his face.
Kyle
K... what if we cover his face with a paper bag?
Lao Tzu
No, 'cause you would still be showing him walking around, that could be a-trouble.
Stan
Okay. A suit of armor? We just have Muhammad in a suit of armor so you can't see anything.
Jesus
But it's still Muhammad walking around in human form.
Kyle
Aww, come on! This is ridiculous! [pounds hands on table]
Joseph Smith
Boys, you need to understand that people get very offended when Muhammad is mocked because he is a religious figure. [snorting noise, Buddha is snorting cocaine]
Jesus
Buddha, don't do coke in front of kids! [Kyle and Stan stare open mouthed for a second]
Kyle
A U-Haul. What if we bring Muhammad to South Park in the back of a U-Haul, and he just stays in there out of sight?
Joseph Smith
But he's talking from the U-Haul?
Stan
Well yeah, he's got to talk or nobody knows he's in there!
Jesus
Hearing his voice, I don't know. What do you think Moses? [Moses is floating over in the previously unseen corner]
Moses
Um... would there be windows on the U-Haul?
Kyle
There doesn't have to be...
Moses
Um... I guess... I guess that would be okay.
Tom Cruises Lodge, celebrities file into a large room which has a machine on the wall
Tom Cruise
Here it is friends. Once we have Muhammad, this machine will give us the power to not be made fun of.
Russel Crowe
Tom, Tom, you're talkin' crazy, mate. Only Muhammad has that ability, how could we ever get it from him? [Rob Reiner walks in with a huge sandwich and handkerchief]
Rob Reiner
We take his goo! It's as simple as that people. [takes a bite and wipes forehead, then walks over near Tom Cruise]
Tom Cruise
Rob Reiner has been telling me about the goo that is inside every person on earth.
Rob Reiner
Any goo can be harvested from a person's body, and easily placed into another. [wipes forehead, holds up his hand, but speaks to himself]
Cartman
Wait, you mean we aren't going to sue and get a bunch of money?
Tom Cruise
No Jen, we've all got enough money.
Jennifer Lopez
Yes, who needs more money, we need to get Muhammad's goo! Yes, yes, ariva ariva!
Cartman
Uh, excuse us for a second... [walks away]
Cartman enters an empty room and closes the door
Cartman
Alright, just what the hell do you think you are doing?
Jennifer Lopez
What am I doing? Just having some fun, cholo!
Cartman
Cut the crap, I thought we were here for lawsuit money!
Jennifer Lopez
Just keep your mouth shut, and do what I tell you!
Cartman
If we are staying here, then I want to know what is going on. Don't forget, I know who you really are... [looks at his hand, then removes his hand's hairpiece] Mitch Conner.
Mitch Conner
If you know what's good for you, you'd keep your mouth shut, kid.
Cartman
You're a no-good swindler and a too-good thief. We were here for money, not goo!
Mitch Conner
Think about it. Muhammad is the only person in the world who can't get ripped on. Those celebrities want his goo.
Cartman
Yeah, so what?
Mitch Conner
You know what the goo is worth on the open market? Hell, I got people in Hong Kong who'll give me 50 mil for that goo.
Cartman
So we let them take it from Muhammad, then we take it for ourselves.
Mitch Conner
You catch on quick kid... [knock at the door]
Tom Cruise
[from the other side of the door] Mrs. Lopez...
Mitch Conner
Hurry, get my wig back on! [Tom opens the door]
Tom Cruise
Hey, I was just seeing if you needed some- Oh, god [scratches the back of his head guiltily] you found my fudge packing uniform...
Jennifer Lopez
Oh, yes, your secret is safe with me, Tommy!
Outside South Park Town Hall, several townspeople are standing around
Randy
Boys, we are so sorry for doubting you. You really did bring us Muhammad.
Mayor
Thank you so much for coming, Muhammad. [steps forward toward Muhammad, who is in a giant U-Haul]
Muhammad
[in a small voice] Welcome.
Mr Garrison
Oh, is that okay?
Jimbo
I don't know.
Randy
Alright, now we just need to figure out how to get Muhammad from the back of the truck into Tom Cruise's limo.
Stan
What? No, Dad, we promised that Muhammad would stay in the truck.
Gerald
Cruise's lawyers were very specific boys. He's sending a limo for Muhammad to meet him outside of town.
Kyle
But Muhammad can't be seen, Dad.
Sgt. Yates
Alright, we'll put a sheet over him.
Stan
No, you can't even show his feet.
Sheila
How about a Halloween costume with one of those plastic masks?
Mr. Garrison
No, you could still see his eyes...
Randy
Okay. How 'bout like... like a big mascot outfit? One that covered him completely, head to toe, not even showing his eyes? [Mayor walks over to U-Haul and shouts inside]
Mayor
Muhammad, would that be okay?
Muhammad
[still small voice] Okay.
Tom Cruise's Lodge
Hillary Clinton
Tom, Rob, we've just received word from the lawyers. South Park is saying they have Muhammad for us! [celebrities gasp]
Tom Cruise
Rob, will the machine be ready?
Rob Reiner
Oh, it'll be ready! [hits buttons on the machine's control panel]
Jennifer Lopez
[out of view] More tacos!
Jennifer Lopez
[in-view, the celebrities all turn around to look] I want more tacos!
Cartman
No! No more tacos Mrs. Lopez.
Jennifer Lopez
More tacos.
Cartman
You just had seven tacos.
Jennifer Lopez
I want more tacos! [Cartman gives a nervous laugh]
Cartman
I'm sorry. [whisper] Why are you doing this?
Jennifer Lopez
I am Jennifer Lopez, I need tacos to live!
Cartman
[whispering] You know goddamn well you're not really Jennifer Lopez, now stop pissing me off! [Charlie Sheen steps forward]
Charlie Sheen
Mrs. Lopez, I can go. What do you want, like three tacos?
Jennifer Lopez
Oh, thank you 'harlie Sheeeeen. And maybe an enchirito too?
Cartman
Aw- Jee-. They don't even make enchiritos anymore!
Jennifer Lopez
Yes they do!
Cartman
No, I tried getting one last week!
Jennifer Lopez
Not all Taco Bells have enchiritos, but some still carry them.
Cartman
God, will somebody shut her up?
South Park Town Square, several people still standing around when a limo pulls up
Randy
[facing away from view] Alright, the limo's here. Muhammad, thanks again for doing this. [A giant bear costume has been thrown over Muhammad]
Mayor
You've done this town a huge favor, Muhammad. [walks towards the limo]
Mr. Garrison
[from a distance away] Hold on a second! [runs over to the mayor]
Mr. Garrison
Stop! There's some extremists, threatening that if we give Muhammad to the celebrities, they're gonna bomb us!
Mayor
What?!
Randy
Aw. Aw, it's just a stupid threat! Come on, we don't wanna piss off Tom Cruise again. [starts walking to the limo]
Jared Fogle and Phil Collins sit in the limo
Jared Fogle
[On a walkie-talkie] Alright, we got him, Tom. [Everyone outside walks toward the limo, when it suddenly explodes]
Stan
Muhammad, are you okay? [Runs toward Muhammad and helps him up]
Randy
What the hell was that?!
Sgt. Yates
Obviously, the terrorists are for real! [notices a paper Garrison is holding] What does that paper say? [reads the paper aloud] We have placed bombs all over your city. You will give Muhammad to us. The celebrities want Muhammad for his power not to be ridiculed. We want that power... huzzah.
Stan
They want his power?
Kyle
What kind of extremists are these? [Yates looks over the note]
Sgt. Yates
You won't believe it...
The Hilton hotel's party room, which is full of red headed people, or gingers.
Lead Ginger
Our time is near! Soon, gingers will never be made fun of again!
All Gingers
[in unison] Huzzah!
Cartman walking down a street, keeping his hand away from himself. He has taken off Mitch Conner's fake hairpiece.
Mitch Conner
Where the hell do you think you're going?
Cartman
I'm through with your stupid plans, Conner! I've got better things to do with my time. [Mitch goes in front of Cartman]
Mitch Conner
You gonna walk away from 50 mil? [Cartman stops]
Cartman
Let me by...
Mitch Conner
You walk away now, and you will regret it the rest of your life.
Cartman
Screw this Conner. [pushes his hand away and moves on] Find yourself another partner.
Mitch Conner
Then I guess I won't tell you about your father. [Cartman stops]
Cartman
My father...
Mitch Conner
Thought that might get your attention. You know nothing about your dad, right?
Cartman
I know enough, my mother is a hermaphrodite, so she is actually my father.
Mitch Conner
You really still believe that garbage? The people in your town sold you that line. Come on, you've had to have doubted it all along. [Cartman turns around to face Conner]
Cartman
How could you know anything about who my family is?
Mitch Conner
Heh. I know all about the swindles and schemes in this dead-end town. You got lied to, kid. By the people who were closest to you. I can prove it too, but I'm going to want something in return.
Cartman
If you're making this up to keep me around Conner, then you'd better-
Mitch
You just take me where I tell you, and when you learn the truth, you will learn to trust me. And nobody else...
Chaos, people running around the street screaming
Barbrady
Okay, people, try to evacuate in an orderly fashion. Geez.
Mayors Office, McDaniels is pacing while the police stand around her
Sgt. Yates
Mayor, we do not have the resources to deal with this situation! A full evacuation is impossible!
Mayor
Jesus, what are we supposed to do?!
Jimbo
We have to give in to their demands.
McDaniels
I'm sorry, Muhammad, but we are going to have to give you over to the gingers.
Kyle
We can't give him over to the gingers!
Stan
Yeah, we said we'd take care of him.
Gerald
But our homes and our lives are at stake.
Stan
We made a promise... to Jesus! [Randy steps forward]
Randy
Stan, Jesus doesn't matter when Muhammad is involved. [phone rings, everyone turns to look at it]
Jimbo
That'll be Tom Cruise... [Randy steps forward and slowly picks it up]
Randy
Helllo?
Tom Cruise
Yeah, so what's going on?
Randy
Uh... I'm afraid we can't... well, we can't give Muhammad to you.
Tom Cruise
What do you mean, you're not givin' him to us?!
Randy
There are these ginger fundamentalists saying that if we don't give Muhammad to them, they're gonna bomb us.
Tom Cruise
Gingers?
Kanye West
Gingers? Aww, hell no.
Randy
Please, understand that we have no choice here Mr. Cruise.
Tom Cruise
You're going to give Muhammad to gingers instead of us, just because they are threatening you with violence?
Randy
Well, yeah.
Tom Cruise
Oh, we can play that game too! You want to see violence, well you got it! [throws the phone at the ground and walks away]
Tom Cruise
[pacing around and fuming] Goddamn stupid assholes! You want to play rough?! OK! Spielburg, go and get some automatic rifles! We'll go in there, and we're going to take [around here, he jumps up and down on the couch, shouting his idea, with Oprah on the other cushion] Muhammad by force! And then we are going to show them th- [Rob Reiner rushes up]
Rob Reiner
Tom, Tom. We can't be seen getting violent.
Hillary Clinton
Yeah, that would kill all our careers!
Tom Cruise
[still jumping up and down on the couch] But the only way we are going to get Muhammad from South Park now is by getting just as violent as the gingers!
Rob Reiner
Fine, then let's have Her do it.
Tom Cruise
[stops jumping] Her who?
Rob Reiner
[whisper] You know... Her.
Tom Cruise
Oh right... [Whispers] Her.
In the middle of nowhere, limos start pulling up and celebrities all walk up to a huge structure
Rob Reiner
There she is Tom... Barbra Streisand.
Zooms around Mecha-Streisand, showing her from every angle
Robert Redford
My God, she's even more terrifying than I remember.
Steven Spielberg
Tom, Barbra Streisand hasn't been active for a long time. Are we sure we want to do this?
Tom Cruise
Mrs. Streisand got torn apart in the town of South Park. She's probably more angry at that town than any of us.
Rob Reiner
Power her up! Release the Kraken! [Mel Gibson places the Diamond of Pantheos in the system, then flips a switch, starting up Mecha-Streisand]
Mecha-Streisand opens up her eyes, the Diamond on her forehead lights up, and her claws and arm saw are flexed. The gates open and she steps out to meet the celebrities. The song Barbra, Barbra is played. She kneels down and lets out a screech.
Japanese Singer
[Singing] Baabura, Baabura, ichi ban kirai na hito. (The number 1 hateful person.) Baabura, Baabura, hana ga ookii. (Her nose is big.)
Rob Reiner
[extremely casual voice] Hey Barbra. It's me, Rob Reiner. [Barbra kneels down and blows steam out of her nose, the celebrities shield their faces]
Rob Reiner
Listen, Babs, we are taking on the town of South Park and we really need your help
Tom Cruise
We figured you're pissed at South Park too, right Mrs. Streisand? [Barbra roars, turns around, and slashes the holding tower with her arm saw]
Tom Cruise
Oh, she's pissed all right.
Someone's house, there is a knock at the door. The door opens, and Eric is standing outside.
Mr. Garrison
Eric, what are you doing here?
Cartman
Did you all lie to me? All of you, in that room, when you told me my mother was my father?
Mr. Garrison
What? N-No Eric, are you still worried about that old issue, I mean-
Cartman
I don't trust you. I want to talk to Mr. Hat.
Mr. Garrison
Eric, I haven't used Mr. Hat in a long time, and-
Cartman
I said GET. Mr. Hat!
Garrison's bedroom. He reaches into a drawer and pulls out Mr. Hat.
Cartman
Put it on! [he puts it on] Do the voice.
Mr. Hat
Hello kids, it's me, Mr. Hat. [Cartman pulls his hand from behind his back, revealing Mitch.]
Mitch Conner
Good to see you Hat. Helluva night, isn't it?
Mr. Hat
I... I don't believe I know you.
Mitch Conner
The name's Mitch Conner, flew the same division as you back in Saigon. [Mr. Garrison lowers Mr. Hat]
Mr. Garrison
Eric, this is silly, why don't we just stop-
Cartman
Keep... your hand... UP!
A street filled with lots of townspeople, Muhammad, and Stan
Randy
[shouting to the other side of the street] Alright gingers, we have Muhammad for you, now hand over the detonators. [huge group of gingers, all holding detonators]
Lead Ginger
Nuh uh, first you gotta prove that's still Muhammad in there! Have him step out of the bear costume...
Townspeople
Ohhhhhhh...
Stan
Dude, we can't do that
Lead Ginger
Show us it's Muhammad or South Park is finished!
Back to Mr. Garrison's bedroom
Mr. Hat
Dammit, Mitch, you're asking questions that shouldn't be answered!
Mitch Conner
So you admit it. There was a cover up. [Mr. Garrison turns away]
Mr. Garrison
No, Mr. Hat, don't say anymore!
Mitch
Yeah, tell 'im whatcha know!
Garrison
Alright, Eric, your father was in the room the day of your DNA test, but the results were... tampered with.
Cartman
By who? Goddammit, Garrison, who is my father?
Flash to townspeople on the street, then flash to gingers on the street then flash to Mecha-Streisand roaring
End of 200


  1405: "200" edit
Story Elements

Tom CruiseMitch ConnerSuper Best FriendsMecha-StreisandMuhammad

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Fourteenth Season

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