South Park: The Streaming Wars/台本

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台本

補足情報

"South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid/台本"

"South Park: The Streaming Wars/台本"

"South Park: The Streaming Wars Part 2/台本"

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エリック・カートマン	カイル・ブロフロフスキー	クリス・アレン
ケニー・マコーミック	シェリー・マーシュ	シャロン・マーシュ
ジョンソン巡査	水道管理人	スタン・マーシュ
スティーヴ・ブラック	スティーヴンス医師	タオリー
タルニュア・カスラー	トールキン・ブラック	トム
ハリソン・イェーツ	バターズ・ストッチ	ピーピー
ランディ・マーシュ	リアン・カートマン	リンダ・ブラック

台本

South Park: The Streaming Wars
	コロラド州デンバー市郡。カメラが市内に近づく。
マルハランド	Citizens of Denver, we are in the middle of an environmental crisis. The winters are bringing less and less snow. And now, we are facing a drought due to the effects of Global ManBearPig.
群衆	[声が重なる] A drought?
マルハランド	ALL of Denver’s water comes from streams up in the mountains, but now, ManBearPig has decimated these areas and wreaked havoc on the upper mountain streams. And so, effective immediately, we are declaring a drought and cutting back on all the city’s water. [怒って反論を始める群衆]
聴衆1	What about our homeowners’ association rules? Some of us are required to have nice, green lawns. You expect us to have nice, brown lawns?
ミスター・カスラー	I own 12 golf courses in the Denver Metro area. You’re not cutting down on my damn water.
ピーピー	Have you all forgotten about the Pi-Pi? I have Denver’s largest water park. All water parks are 50% pee and 50% water! You–you can’t forget about-a Pi-Pi.
マルハランド	Nobody wants to lose the water, but we’re in a drought. [叫び声が止む] There simply isn’t enough water coming to Denver from up in the mountains and the water up there is being used for farm and agriculture.
聴衆2	What kind of agriculture?
	昼、テグリディ・ファーム。スプリンクラーで水やりが行われる場面に楽曲が挿入される。ランディ、ホースで農作物にみずをまく。
ランディ	How’s it looking?
タオリー	They still look dry.
ランディ	Okay, then I’m gonna open the reserves. [巨大な水道管のそばまで歩き、開栓して大量の水を出す Yeah! [農場が水で満ちる。ランディ、巻きタバコを吸いながら浮き輪で水面を漂い、画面に映る]
	「SOUTH PARK THE STREAMING WARS」と書かれたタイトル・ロゴが登場する。場面が変わり、スクールバスでサウスパーク小学校へと向かう生徒たちが映る。
カートマン	Yeah, and so, and so then, so then Clyde said that if a chick uses hairspray, you can actually light her head on fire.
トールキン	Nuh uh.
カートマン	Yeah-huh, Tolkien. You guys want to see? [ケニーに顔を向けて] Kenny, do you have matches?
ケニー	Yeah, of course I have matches. [マッチを取り出してカートマンに渡す]
カートマン	Check this out, you guys. [マッチを擦って女生徒に近づける]
バスの運転手	Eric Cartman! [バス停車] Eric Cartman.
カートマン	What? You’re ruining it!
バスの運転手	This is your stop.
カートマン	Oh. Right. [悲しげにリュックサックをつかみ] ‘Scuse– ‘scuse me. [バスから離れようとするカートマンを友人らが窓越しに見る] Hey. Hey, guys. You want to come hang out at my house for a bit?
スタン	[カイルとケニーを見て] Uh, no, that’s cool.
カートマン	It’s not my fault that my mom lost her job and we had to move, you guys. It’s really not so bad.
カイル	Uh, yeah, maybe some other time.
カートマン	My house is cool, you guys! Kenny, you wanna come chill?
ケニー	I’m cool, dude. [バス発車]
カートマン	It’s still way better than your house, Kenny! ‘Cause your family’s poor! [悲しげにうつむき] Your family’s poor, Kenny. [帰宅]
リアン	Hi, honey. How was school?
カートマン	Fuck you, Mom.
	スタンとトールキン、自宅付近のバス停に到着する。
スタン	You doing anything, Tolkien? You want to come over to my house, play a board game?
トールキン	Oh, um, I should probably go home.
スタン	Well, okay, you want to play a game over at your house?
トールキン	Yeah, uh, I-I don’t know. Sorry, I’m just… not in the best mood, I guess.
スタン	Hey, are you still worried about Karen?
トールキン	Yeah.
スタン	Yeah, me too. But we all have to try to just be happy, you know? No matter what happens with Karen.
トールキン	[笑顔] You’re right. Okay, come on. [ともにトールキンの自宅へ向かう]
ランディ	Hey. Stan, where do you think you’re going?
スタン	I’m gonna go hang out at Tolkien’s house for a bit, Karen.
ランディ	No, you’re not.
スタン	Yes, I am, Karen.
ランディ	You better knock that off. I don’t want you playing with Tolkien.
シャロン	Karen, just come back inside.
ランディ	I’ve told you I don’t want our son hanging out with those people.
スティーヴ	And exactly what do you mean by “those people”?
ランディ	I mean traitors who I hired to give my weed more street cred, and then go out and open their own weed business.
スティーヴ	You’re not the only weed grower in this valley.
ランディ	But I was supposed to be the only black one.
水道管理人	Excuse me. [車を止めて歩み寄りながら] You the owners of these farms?
ランディ	I own Tegridy Weed, the original marijuana farm on this street.
水道管理人	Okay, and your name is…
スティーヴ	His name is Karen Marsh.
ランディ	You better get that fucking name out your fucking mouth.
水道管理人	Well, gentlemen, I’m the Water Commissioner. Colorado Division of Water Resources. I’m here to find out exactly what’s going on with this city’s water. Weed?
スティーヴ	The city’s water?
水道管理人	Well, you see, the water here is supposed to make its way to all the thirsty people down in Denver. And, uh… [巻きタバコを取り出して] Well, there’s a lot of thirsty people down there. I just want to see how much you farmers are actually using.
スティーヴ	Okay, well we can show you…
ランディ	Well, you should check out his fucking farm. If you’re– if you’re gonna check out anyone’s water, it should be his.
水道管理人	All right, maybe I’ll do that. [車に戻ると同時にランディも走り去る]
	カートマンの自宅。カウチに座ってうつむくカートマンを背景に悲しげな音楽が流れる。音楽とともに楽曲用の映像が描写される。
カートマン	I live in a hot dog On a lonely old hill People make fun of me And that’s not cool I’m isolated from my friends Against my will My possessions are now condiments And that is not cool And I don’t want to live like this You don’t know how I feel I’ve got no room to grow And it is just so not cool Just once in my life, I’d like cool stuff to happen Everything keeps changing, and I’m not adapting I’m crying like a girl and it’s super not cool And I just want something cool to happen To me I’ve lived through such pain The world’s been so cruel Something’s got to happen, something that’s cool I just want something cool to happen…
名前不詳の男性1	This is it, right here. [車窓から指をさす]
カートマン	To me.
不動産業者	Okay, right this way, Mr. Cussler. You are going to love this property. It’s over 30 acres, and it’s in a real up-and-coming area. I think you could build an amazing home here.
ミスター・カスラー	Yes. Yes, I believe I could.
不動産業者	Now, it’s about an hour commute from where you are in Denver, but I think the potential here is fabulous.
ミスター・カスラー	Oh, yes. It looks absolutely ideal.
不動産業者	Do you like to entertain? Because you could easily build a ten-bedroom house on this property. You could have a dedicated gym, even a full-sized movie theater.
カートマン	Full-sized movie theater?
不動産業者	If you want, we can walk around the property. It’s a bit muddy, but we can…
ミスター・カスラー	That won’t be necessary. I’ll take it. Full asking price. Cash.
不動産業者	Oh– oh– oh…
カートマン	Da-da.
	ランディの執務室。室内にノックの音が響く。
ランディ	Yes. Come in.
シェリー	Mom said you wanted to see me.
ランディ	Yes, Shelley, have a seat. Close the door, please. [シェリー、扉を閉めてイスに座る] I’ve been, uh, wanting to talk to you, Shelley. Um… Can you tell me why everyone is calling me “Karen”?
シェリー	[停止] Don’t worry about it.
ランディ	Well, everybody keeps calling me Karen, and I don’t get it. Is it, is it, like, a joke, or something?
シェリー	”Karen” is a pejorative term for a white person who acts overly entitled or demanding.
ランディ	Okay, well, that’s fucked up. Don’t you think that’s a little, like, sexist?
シェリー	I didn’t start it.
ランディ	Well, who did?
シェリー	The internet.
ランディ	So– so now somebody is a Karen just ‘cause they want to be treated with some respect? I deserve to not have people walk all over me, okay? I have the right to call the cops when things happen.
シェリー	That’s fine, Karen.
ランディ	Shelley, I deserve to not have– what the fuck ishe doing here? [窓を見て、水道管理人が農場を調査していることに気付き] Hey. Hey, hey, hey. [屋外まで走り] Excuse me, this is my property.
水道管理人	Your soil seems very hydrated. Must be getting lots of water.
ランディ	What are you saying, that I use too much? I use the water that my crops need and nothing more.
水道管理人	Is that a Slip ‘N Slide over there?
ランディ	That is an agricultural Slip ‘N Slide, yes Apparently you know nothing about farming.
水道管理人	Look, if you have any excess of water, you might actually make some money, that’s all I’m saying.
ランディ	Make money? Wait, what?
水道管理人	You heard of water transfers? See, you have a lease to use some of the water from your stream here, but what you don’t use, you could actually sell the rights to. I already talked to your neighbor about it.
ランディ	Yeah, well, see, the thing is, this farm is about Tegridy, not stupid water rights. And if you want to keep comin here and bugging me, then I would like to speak to your manager because you are harassing me, and I am important.
水道管理人	Well, have a nice day, Karen.
ランディ	It’s Randy! I know what Karen means. I’m not stupid.
	トールキンの自宅。トールキンとスタン、リビングルームで座ってビデオゲームをしている。
スティーヴ	What the water commissioner said is true. We have water rights to use 10,000 gallons a month off our stream. If we could cut back our agricultural water use by 50% and show that our excess water is making it down to the Denver Reservoir, then we’d have the right to sell it.
リンダ	You really think so?
スティーヴ	I was a financial consultant before I was a weed farmer– there’s potential here.
リンダ	But how do we even prove the water from our farms makes it all the way to Denver?
スタン	Raingutter regatta.
スティーヴ	What?
スタン	We made those little boats in online COVID camp, remember?
トールキン	Oh, yeah. I bet we could float that down our stream.
スティーヴ	We demonstrate where the water goes, and meanwhile, we start selling off pieces of our water rights to subscribers that want it. Boys, can you build me a test boat?
スタン	Sure.
スティーヴ	We’re about to start our very own… streaming service.
	カーディ・Bの楽曲"WAP"を背景に、スタンとトールキンがアイスキャンディの棒でいかだを作る過程が描かれる。2人はいかだを川に浮かべて、様子を観察する。
スティーヴ	The Credigree Weed Streaming service. [講演会を開く] We are currently in beta testing to see if our stream makes it to Denver, but if it does, we are seeing if there are any interested subscribers. [群衆、興奮した様子で叫ぶ]
トールキン	[いかだ、漂流しながら橋を通り過ぎる] Come on!
	住宅管理組合に向けたスティーヴの演説は続く。 カートマンが自宅の窓からカスラー宅が建設されていく様子を見ている。 スティーヴがピーピーや町民らと事業契約を進める。 スタンとトールキンのいかだがデンバー貯水池にたどり着く。
スタン	Yeah!
トールキン	We totally did it, dude!
スティーヴ	As you can see, the water from Credigree Farms flows directly into Denver’s water supply.
マルハランド	Well, in that case, I suppose all your subscribers get to have more water from the reservoir.
ピーピー	Oh! Oh! You all make-a Pi-Pi so happy. Now my water park can have a-plenty a-water to mix with all-a the pee.
マルハランド	Of course, you will have to prove that the flow of water is constant. We’ll need a little boat to come through the reservoir every day.
スティーヴ	Every day? [スタンとトールキンに目線を合わせるためにしゃがみ込んで] Boys, I’m gonna need you to make a lot more boats for my stream. How do you feel about… 20 bucks a boat?
スタン	20 bucks a boat? Hell, yeah.
トールキン	We’re gonna be rich, dude.
	カートマンの自宅。リアンがホットドッグを作っている。
カートマン	Mom, Mom, I need to talk to you. Come on, sit down. [リアンをテーブルまで連れていき] Come on, sit down.
リアン	Eric, if you’re going to yell at me again about our home, I really don’t have the strength.
カートマン	No, Mom. I’m never gonna need to yell at you ever again. We’re gonna get out of here, Mom.
リアン	What are you talking about?
カートマン	I’ve figured our way out of this hotdog. I don’t know if you’ve seen, but there’s a rich guy building a big house across the street. We can live in that house, Mom. We can have him take care of us.
リアン	Eric, how would we do that?
カートマン	Because we are gonna get you… fake tits.
リアン	What?
カートマン	Breast implants, Mom. That’s what rich guys like. You remember what Matt Damon said? Fortune favors the brave, Mom. When rich guys come up here and get one look at you with your big, sweet tits, they’re gonna give us everything…
リアン	Eric, that’s enough, okay?
カートマン	What do you mean it’s enough? I’ve– I’ve figured it all out. Rich guys want a woman with nice titties, Mom. it’s very…
リアン	Okay. [立ち上がって歩き去り] Eric, I’m not comfortable talking about this.
カートマン	Well, I’m not comfortable living in a fucking hot dog.
リアン	We live here because I gave in to you and quit my job. What do you want from me, Eric?
カートマン	I want you to get breast implants, Mom. [すすり泣く] So– so that rich guys like you, and we can go live in a sweet house. Please, Mom, I just want you to get fake tits.
リアン	Eric, even if I wanted to, the fact is, we can’t afford it. A surgery like that is very expensive.
カートマン	Like, how expensive?
リアン	At least $10,000.
カートマン	$10,000?
リアン	Yes, Eric.
カートマン	We can’t afford it? [涙をため、持っていた紙を丸めて] We can’t afford it.
	パーク郡警察署。書類を確認するイェーツに巡査の1人が近づく。
巡査	Chief. Chief, there’s a big problem.
イェーツ	What is it?
巡査	We’ve got a code red emergency call on 911. It’s Karen.
イェーツ	Oh, not Karen again. Jesus Christ. [電話を取って] Yes, Karen, how can we help you this time?
ランディ	Okay, first of all, I know what it means when you call me Karen, so you can just knock it off. Secondly– secondly, my neighbor’s kid is over here at my house.
イェーツ	There’s a kid trespassing at your house?
ランディ	No, my son invited him over for lunch, and my wife is making him hot dogs and tater tots, even though I said I don’t want him here.
イェーツ	Well, then, what harm is he doing, Karen?
ランディ	His family farm is shady. Did you know that they’re doing a streaming service? I demand that you investigate. How did they manage to even show that their water goes through to Denver? Hello? Are you listening to me? I want to talk to your manager!
イェーツ	I’ve already told you, Karen, I don’t have a manager. [通話を切る]
トールキン	[キッチンのテーブルに座り、シャロンがテイタートッツを皿に乗せるのを見て] Thanks, Mrs. Marsh.
ランディ	Can you believe that? The cops aren’t even gonna do anything.
シャロン	Oh well, at least you tried, Karen.
ランディ	[着席] It just doesn’t make sense. How is that traitor able to prove his water makes it down to Denver?
スタン	Well, um… maybe he got some creative people to put something on his stream.
ランディ	Yeah, I’ll bet you he did. He’s got to be paying some expert or something. Oh, if I could find that guy, I’d pay him double.
スタン	Well, you know, at camp, they had us build these… little boards, that, uh…
トールキン	They’re kind of tough to make, but… I think that we could make you something.
ランディ	And then we could float the boats downstream from the farm with little Tegridy sails on them to show people where the water’s coming from. Could you guys build be a test boat right away?
スタン	Oh, uh, yeah, we could probably build you something, yeah.
ランディ	I can’t wait to see the look on that traitor’s face when he sees that we’re in the streaming business, too.
	バス停。カイルとケニーが2人きりで立っている。
ケニー	Last night, I had a dream that Ariana Grande was trying to fuck her own ass with a gun, but then she farted, and blood shot out her dick.
カイル	[笑いながら] Ariana Grande? That’s hilarious. [到着したバスに乗り込む]
スタン	Kyle! Kenny. You guys, get over here. Sit down, you guys. We need to talk.
カイル	What’s going on, dude?
スタン	Check this out. [札束を取り出して見せる]
カイル	Where’d you get that?
スタン	Making stuff for streaming services.
ケニー	Holy shit. Really?
トールキン	We made these for my family’s farm. Then we took another deal to make them for Stan’s.
スタン	So then we went out and offered boats to, like, three other farms, and now they want stuff for their streams, too. So you guys want to help us?
カイル	I don’t get it.
スタン	You don’t have to. We don’t, either. You just have to make boats.
トールキン	But we want to keep it on the low because we don’t want other kids copying us.
カイル	Are you guys gonna have Cartman help?
スタン	No. He’ll fuck it all up somehow.
カイル	Okay. I’m in.
カートマン	[乗車して、悲しげにため息をつき] Fuck. [カートマンを見る友人たちに、トールキンが無言で注意を促す]
	カスラー宅の敷地内。建設業者が作業を続けている。
ミスター・カスラー	Faster. Work faster. We need to be up and running.
水道管理人	Excuse me. Mr. Cussler, is it?
ミスター・カスラー	Who are you?
水道管理人	I’m the water commissioner. I just, uh, wanted to see what you’re up to up here.
ミスター・カスラー	I’m not up to anything. Why?
水道管理人	Well, you know, there’s a lot of streaming services starting up in this town, and, uh… word on the street is you might be trying to outdo them all.
ミスター・カスラー	They’re all just small time creeks. When it comes to the Streaming Wars, I intend to be the Amazon… River.
水道管理人	Yeah, well, you see, there’s regulations, Mr. Cussler. There’s state rules when it comes to streaming. And, uh, well, if you don’t follow them, bad things can happen.
ミスター・カスラー	Is that right? Boys? [2人の大男が登場] I’m not some pissant little farmer, Commissioner. You want to threaten me, I’ll threaten you right back.
水道管理人	I didn’t mean to threaten you, sir. In fact, I think I can help you.
	サウスパーク小学校。スタン、カイル、ケニー、バターズ 、トールキンがいかだ作りをする背景で音楽が流れる。
トールキン	We’ve only got 20 minutes left, you guys. We’ve got to work faster.
カイル	I’m waiting on more popsicle sticks.
スタン	Come on, Butters, you have to speed up your station.
バターズ	I’m sucking down popsicles as fast as I can, fellas.
カートマン	[入室] There you guys are. [子供たち全員が振り返る] How come you’re in the home ec room during recess? Are those popsicle stick boats?
スタン	Oh, yeah. We’re just making some popsicle boats. We’re gonna, you know, like, race them, you know.
カートマン	You’re gonna race all those popsicle boats?
バターズ	Yeah, just, you know, race them, see which one wins. Right– right, fellas?
カートマン	Oh. That sounds like a fun activity. Um… I was just gonna ask you guys, do you know any way to, like, raise money?
トールキン	What do you mean?
カイル	We have no idea what you’re talking about.
カートマン	Okay, I just… I need to try and raise some money because… my mom needs to have a surgery, and we can’t afford it.
カイル	Oh. Dude…
スタン	How much does your mom need for her surgery?
カートマン	About $10,000. I’m sorry, you guys. Just go back to your boat races. I’ll talk to you later.
カイル	Cartman, wait. [カートマン、振り向いてスタンたちに顔を向ける] You actually can help us.
トールキン	Yeah.
カートマン	What do you mean?
スタン	Look, dude, we’re actually making money for a streaming service.
カートマン	Really?
トールキン	Yeah, come on. You can help us, and we’ll cut you in on the profits.
カートマン	Oh, my God, what– what streaming service is it?
バターズ	It’s a bunch of different ones.
カイル	Here, help me cut out these masts.
カートマン	Okay, yeah, sure.
カイル	And, Cartman, I’m sorry.
カートマン	Thanks, Kyle.
	デンバー貯水池。マルハランドと群衆はいかだが流れ着くのを待っている。
マルハランド	It’s a green boat. [歓声] Anyone on the green boat streaming service can have their allotment of water for the day.
名前不詳の男性2	Here comes the white boat!
マルハランド	Subscribers to Kush Country Farms Streaming service have their allotments.
ピーピー	Excusi. Excusi. Pi-Pi’s been a-waiting all day for his water ticket. My waterpark need water.
マルハランド	You’ll just have to be patient. There’s a lot of different streaming services now.
ピーピー	Yes, there’s a-too many streaming services. There’s a streaming service for this-a, and a streaming service for that-a. Pi-Pi can’t find his stuff-a. Why can’t-a Pi-Pi just have-a one streaming service have-a everything? Pi-Pi got a streaming service he like-a, and then-a Pi-Pi’s stuff not on it. Pi-Pi so confuse-a.
	食料雑貨店。店員がアイスキャンディの箱と接着のりの容器をレジスターに通す。
スタン	Yeah, yeah, we’re getting more supplies now. You guys just keep building boats. We’ll be there fast as we can.
トールキン	[リュックサックに買い物用品を詰めて退店した後] Dude, I’m starting to think we took on too much.
スタン	It’s okay.
トールキン	It’s not okay. We haven’t even finished Karen’s boats yet. I do not want to piss Karen off.
スタン	Tolkien, I’ve told you, don’t worry about Karen. Everything’s gonna be fine. [カスラー、白いホロがついた車を駐車する]
ミスター・カスラー	Hello, boys. That’s quite a haul you have there. [停止] My name is Mr. Cussler. I bought some property up here. I’ve been asking around, and, uh… I believe you’re the ones responsible… for these? [おもちゃのいかだを取り出す]
スタン	Maybe.
ミスター・カスラー	Fantastic little boats. I’m a big fan of your work. I have a nice stream going through my property and I’d like you to make something for me.
スタン	Oh, we’re– we’re pretty, uh…
トールキン	We’re pretty loaded up, man.
ミスター・カスラー	Oh, I’m sure you are. That’s why I’d like to make you an exclusive deal. I want 10,000 of your little boats, and I’ll pay you $15,000.
スタンとトールキン	$15,000?
ミスター・カスラー	But I’m gonna need them right away. Say three days? I have… big plans.
トールキン	Dude, we can’t make 10,000 boats in three days.
スタン	We’ll do it.
	ブロフロフスキー宅。カートマン、カイル、ケニー、バターズがリビングルームでいかだ作りをしている。
カイル	[カートマンが作ったいかだを見て] Cartman, come on, that looks like shit.
カートマン	Come on what, Kyle?
カイル	Look, I– I know we’re making a lot of these, but we still have to make them look nice.
カートマン	Does it really matter?
カイル	Yes, it matters. The streaming services are paying for nice boats.
バターズ	[笑って] They don’t give a fuck, Kyle. They’re gonna take everything they can get. Everyone knows, at the end of the day, there’s only gonna be, like, three streaming services, so they, like, everyone just wants to have their shit on their stream and get bought out, you know? And they don’t give a fuck how good anything is. And the people who made all the deals, they don’t give a fuck, ‘cause they’re all gonna get fired anyway, you know? And everyone working at this streaming service is now working over at that streaming service. No one gives a shit about what fucking goes on in it.
カイル	Butters, I– I think you’ve had too many popsicles.
バターズ	Yeah, I think maybe I’ve had one too many popsicles.
スタン	[ドアを強く開けて] You guys, you guys, we did it.
ケニー	What’d we do?
トールキン	We just got an offer for 10,000 boats.
スタン	It’s $15,000, you guys. That’s almost $3,000 each.
バターズ	We’re millionaires!
ケニー	Woo hoo!
カイル	Hey, hey, aren’t you guys forgetting something? [停止] Cartman’s mom’s surgery?
スタン	Oh, right. Well, what do you say, guys? With this money, before we do anything, we pay for Cartman’s mom’s surgery.
トールキン	You definitely have my share, Eric.
ケニー	Mine, too.
カートマン	I really… really… don’t fucking deserve you guys.
ケニー	Come on, let’s get to work.
	スティーヴ・ブラックの自宅。スティーヴ、大麻製品をビンに詰めた後で手を洗おうとするが、水道水の出が芳しくないため戸惑う。
トム	Just how bad could the water situation get for Park County farmers this summer? A new study says this year’s snowpack has completely melted, and, once again, ManBearPig is to blame.
気象予報士	That’s right, Tom. It appears ManBearPig has done a lot more damage this year than originally predicted. As the spring thaws continue, we simply aren’t seeing that much water from way up on the mountain peaks. If ManBearPig is truly out there, then farmers might want to start looking at the state of that snowpack, Tom.
	野外。スティーヴは乾燥が著しい山々の様子をうかがう。登山をしながら河川を観察していると、サウスパーク不動産の看板が乱立していることを発見する。
名前不詳の男性3	Over here. Here!
スティーヴ	What is all this? What happened?
名前不詳の男性3	The housing market up here… it went crazy. We’ve just been selling properties without sleeping or eating. This property here was the last to get an offer. The seller countered, but we haven’t heard back, and it’s really a buyer’s market.
スティーヴ	Who’s buying it all?
名前不詳の男性3	Some rich guy from the city. [咳き込んで] But we are currently taking backup offers, if you’d like. Do you have a broker? We are really the best in town. My coworker Janice sold over 100 listings in 72 hours.
スティーヴ	Look at this. They were right about ManBearPig. There’s not nearly as much snow as last year.
名前不詳の男性3	Yeah. There’s a lot you can do with this property. It has explosive views, and a southern exposure for those chilly winter nights.
スティーヴ	You can’t sell all the land up here. Can’t you see they just want the water?
名前不詳の男性3	That’s probably why they asked for the inspection contingency. We countered with an extra 20 days until the close of escrow. [含み笑い] We got them.
スティーヴ	There’s no snow up here. There won’t be enough water for South Park.
名前不詳の男性3	[スティーヴの顔に触れて] You… You could have a walkout basement here with room for an outdoor kitchen. Think of the entertaining potential. Do you like to entertain? [死亡]
	テグリディ・ファーム。ランディ、屋外に出てあくびをした後、農作業に取り掛かる。スタンたちの作ったいかだを納屋から持ちだして、小川に浮かべる。すると突如、「カスラー産業（Cussler Industries）」と書かれた別のいかだが水上に現れる。
ランディ	”Cussler Industries”? [続いて複数のいかだが登場] Huh? Huh? Oh! [息を吹きかけていかだの漂流速度を上げようとするも、カスラーのいかだには及ばない] My streaming service!
	病院。エリック・カートマンが目隠しをしたリアンを連れて入室する。
カートマン	[歌いながら] Happy surprise time to you. Something's happened that’s cool…
リアン	What is this, Eric.?
カートマン	[なおも歌いながら] Just sit down right here. Your son has done something cool. Are you ready, Mom?
リアン	[笑って] yes. What is it, sweetie? [目隠しを外された後、あたりを見回して] Wait a minute, Eric, what is this? [ドアが開く]
スティーヴンス医師	Okay, hello, Mrs. Cartman, I’m Dr. Stevens. I understand you’re interested in breast augmentation?
カートマン	That’s right, she is.
スティーヴンス医師	Well, there are a few options. We prefer the saline implants now. They– they can be put either under the chest muscle or on top. Did you have any idea what size breasts you wanted to achieve?
カートマン	The largest size.
リアン	Eric, I’ve told you a hundred times, I’m not getting a boob job.
スティーヴンス医師	Uh, I’m a bit confused here, Mrs. Cartman. Your procedure has already been completely paid for.
リアン	What?
カートマン	Surprise! I raised all the money, Mom. It’s done.
リアン	No, Eric. I said I don’t want breast implants.
カートマン	You said we couldn’t afford it. I went out, and I worked every day, and I got you the money for new tits, Mom.
リアン	I’m fine with my body the way it is.
カートマン	You are, but rich guys aren’t. Am I right, Doctor?
スティーヴンス医師	Okay, uh, Mrs. Cartman, if you’d like to just go back up to the front office, they can refund all the money.
カートマン	No! No, Doctor, please, I live in a hot dog!
リアン	Because he made me quit my job, and I promised myself I wouldn’t give in to him ever again.
カートマン	Get fake tits or else I’ll call the police, Mom.
リアン	Do what you want, Eric. I am done with this.
カートマン	Fine, then, I’ll run away.
リアン	You’ll just have to run away, then.
カートマン	I’ll go live with Grandma.
リアン	I’m sure Grandma would love that. I’ve given in to you too many times, Eric. It stops now.
カートマン	You’re not gonna give in, huh? We’ll just see about that. Doctor, keep those tits on ice. [立ち上がって退室]
	テグリディ・ファーム。スタン、キッチンのテーブルで宿題をしている。ランディ、怒りの表情で登場して、カスラー産業のいかだをスタンの目の前に置く。
ランディ	What is that?
スタン	It’s… it’s a little boat.
ランディ	Stan, are you making stuff for other streaming services? [スタン、無言] Stanley? We had a deal. Are you making stuff for other streaming services, yes or no?
スタン	Yes. This guy paid is a shitload of money.
ランディ	I paid you a shitload of money!
スタン	Yeah, we make them for whoever pays us. We make stuff for Credigree, too.
ランディ	[怒って] For Credigree? They’re the enemy, Stan. You live here. You’re exclusive to Tegridy Weed.
スタン	[鼻で笑って] Everyone is fighting and trying to get rich, and we’re just in the middle doing our thing.
ランディ	Doing your thing. Wow. You’re a fucking dick. How much money’s enough, Stan? Cock-sucking cunt.
シャロン	[キッチンへやってきて] What is going on?
ランディ	Oh, nothing. Your son and his friends just made exclusive deals for multiple streaming services.
スタン	Ugh.
ランディ	Oh, but I guess that’s just Karen being Karen again, huh? Yeah, screw whatever Karen thinks. Maybe it’s bad for business, but fuck Karen. [腕を組む]
スタン	Okay, I’m sorry.
ランディ	We’re going to march right over to where this guys lives, and tell him that you can’t possibly take on another streaming service without sacrificing the quality of your product.
スタン	Rats.
	カートマンの自宅。暗い音楽とともに、荷物をまとめるカートマンの姿が映る。カートマン、咳払いをしてリアンの様子をうかがうが、リアンが注意を向ける様子はない。カートマン、バッグを肩に掛けて玄関に足を向ける。
カートマン	Well, Mom, I guess I’ll be leaving now.
リアン	Oh, really? Where are you going?
カートマン	I can’t do this anymore, Mom. If you won’t listen to me, then I really don’t have a choice.
リアン	Well, I’m very sorry to hear that, Eric. I hope you take good care of yourself.
カートマン	Okay, well, I guess I’ll just ask you one more time if you would please get fake tits. I know…
リアン	I’m not getting breast implants, Eric.
カートマン	Okay, that’s fine.
リアン	So, you’re running away?
カートマン	Oh, I’m not running away, Mom. No, that would be the easy way out. You remember when I told you how easy breast enhancement would be, and you said, “If it’s so easy, why don’t you do it?” Well, I’m taking your advice, Mom. If you won’t get fake breasts, then I will.
リアン	What?
カートマン	I’ve already paid the clinic, and I’ll just tell them that the implants were for me. You know it’s 2022, right? You know they do surgeries like this to kids now? Guess I’ll just go and get fake tits, Mom.
リアン	Well, Eric, I guess that’s just your choice.
カートマン	[停止] Mom, I’m serious. It’s 2022. They do these kinds of surgeries to kids now.
リアン	Yes, I know.
カートマン	Okay, well, then, I’m gonna go to the doctor, and I’m gonna go get brest implants.
リアン	Okay.
カートマン	Okay, mom, I’m going out the door.
リアン	Okay, sweetie, be safe.
カートマン	Gonna go get fake tits now.
リアン	If that’s what you want, Eric.
カートマン	It’s not what I want, it’s what you’re making me do, Mom.
リアン	Okay, honey, well, I love you.
カートマン	Okay, well, I’ll see you.
リアン	Bye, honey.
カートマン	[ほんのわずかにドアへと近づきながら] Gonna go get breast implants.
リアン	I’ll come pick you up when you’re done.
カートマン	Cool. [家を出る]
ランディ	[スタンとともにカスラー宅を訪ねて] Come on.[扉をたたく]
不動産業者	Yes?
ランディ	Hello, we’d like to speak with Mr. Cussler, please.
不動産業者	For what?
ランディ	Well, I want to let him know that my son here made a streaming deal that he had no business making. Didn’t you, Stan?
スタン	No, technically, no.
ランディ	Technically what?!
不動産業者	I’m afraid Mr. Cussler can’t see you.
ランディ	Oh, really? Okay, well, you go and tell him that it’s Karen Marsh, okay? And that I will talk to him right now.
不動産業者	He can’t talk to you because he’s dead.
スタン	What?
不動産業者	Mr. Cussler’s body was found several hours ago. He was… attacked by ManBearPig.
	カスラーの殺害現場。無線ラジオの音声が流れるなか、警察らが現場検証を行う。
イェーツ	Everyone keep this area clear. I need casts of the footprints. Keep your radios down. We don’t want the press showing up.
ランディ	What’s going on here?
イェーツ	Aw, shit, it’s Karen. [警察官らのため息]
ランディ	Hey, look, my son was in business with this guy. You really think he was killed by ManBearPig?
イェーツ	Take a look for yourself. [カスラーの死体を見せて] Something tore him apart and shit in his face. Workers found him late this morning. [引き裂かれたカスラーの死体が映り] The footprints are those of a pig, but the claw marks are those of a bear, and the excrement, clearly that of a man.
ランディ	Why would ManBearPig single him out?
イェーツ	Apparently this Cussler guy was taking advantage of the water supply. ManBearPig must’ve gotten some kind of vengeance for the rich guy’s greed.
ランディ	Oh, no.
イェーツ	Karen? What is it? [ランディに近づいて、肩に手を置き] Karen?
ランディ	It’s just that… if ManBearPig was getting vengeance on Cussler, would he also want to come after my son? [スタン、手に持ったいかだを見下ろしておびえる]
	ピーピーのスプラッシュタウン。窓からプール施設を見下ろすピーピーを、何者かが訪ねる。
ピーピー	Ah, yes. Come on-a in. It’s-a open.
スティーヴ	[うつむきながら入室] Hello, Pi-Pi. Do you have a minute?
ピーピー	Oh, my good friend from-a Credigree Farm-a. So nice a-you to visit. Mwah. Mwah. [スティーヴの頬にキスをして] Look. Everything going good for-a Pi-Pi waterpark. Everyone having fun.
スティーヴ	Yes, that’s what I came to talk to you about. Pi-Pi, I’m sorry, but… I’m going to have to cancel my streaming service.
ピーピー	What? Cancel-a Pi-Pi?
スティーヴ	The drought is worse than everyone thought. ManBearPig did a lot of damage this year and… I don’t have enough water for my crops.
ピーピー	Oh, that’s too bad. It’s too bad ‘cause now you fucked, a-huh?
スティーヴ	I need my water rights back, or else my farm won’t survive.
ピーピー	Oh, you make-a Pi-Pi cry. What-a you expect-a, huh? It’s a drought everywhere. Why you think I buy your water? You can-a suck Pi-Pi dick, huh?
スティーヴ	Hey, you son of a bitch. You knew what you were doing the whole time. You think I’m just gonna sit here and take it? I’ll call the water commissioner.
ピーピー	Oh, no. No, you– you don’t have to call him. He’s right here! [手をたたき、水道管理人を呼ぶ]
水道管理人	Afternoon, pal. How’s the drought treating you?
スティーヴ	So, the water commissioner was working for you the whole time. Well, I don’t have a problem kicking both your asses.
ピーピー	Oh, I’d be a little more worried about the other guy. [手をたたき、マンベアピッグを登場させる]
スティーヴ	[マンベアピッグ、獣の雄叫びを上げる] ManBearPig. He’s working for you, too?
ピーピー	Everybody wants to get in the streaming business.
スティーヴ	You’re the one who bought all the properties on the mountaintop. You just have it all figured out, don’t you?
ピーピー	Yeah, looks like-a Pi-Pi has it all pretty figured out.
スティーヴ	Goddamn it, I’m not gonna let you… [マンベアピッグに抱え上げられて、絶叫する] Ah! [マンベアピッグ、スティーヴを再度持ち上げて壁に叩きつける。スティーヴが倒れたところで飛び出しナイフを取りだす]
ピーピー	I’m sorry, Pi-Pi can’t hear you. [マンベアピッグ、スティーヴを壁に押しつけながら首を絞めて、ナイフで刺傷する]
	病院。息遣いが聞こえる。
スティーヴンス医師	How is he?
看護師	I believe he’s coming to, Doctor.
スティーヴンス医師	Hello, Eric. Just want to let you know that everything went fine. We’re gonna let the anesthesia wear off a little more, and then we can let you go home.
カートマン	[言葉を詰まらせながら] Okay. Um, cool.
リアン	Well, you did it, Eric. I hope you’re happier now. They all said you were very insistent. That you said you’d cancel them if they didn’t put breast implants in one of us.
カートマン	I– I… I– I have fake tits? [布団をめくって胸部を確認する]
リアン	They said that tube is for draining blood while the swelling goes down. Your breasts are swollen now as a reaction to the implants.
カートマン	Okay, well, now that you see how serious I was, what’re you gonna do now?
リアン	I’m gonna go down and get some grocery shopping done. [歩き去る]
カートマン	Mom? I will go to school like this! You’re gonna have to give in at some point. [停止] Mom?
	サウスパーク小学校。生徒たち、廊下に立っている。
カイル	Well, have you guys seen Butters or Cartman? What the hell is going on?
トールキン	I don’t know, but we have a lot of boats to make, and recess is almost over.
スタン	You guys. You guys. [走り寄る]
カイル	There you are. What’s wrong dude?
スタン	Um, we need to stop making stuff for streaming services.
トールキン	What are you talking about?
スタン	It’s all getting really weird. The guy we made the deal with? He was killed.
ケニー	He was killed?
スタン	I think we got greedy. I got greedy. We should’ve never gotten involved in the streaming wars. They’ve upset the balance of nature.
カイル	Hey, whoa, whoa, Stan. We weren’t greedy, okay? We made the money for a good reason.
トールキン	Yeah, dude. Don’t forget, everything we did was for a good cause.
カートマン	You guys. You guys, something is seriously wrong with my mom. [生徒たち、カートマンの巨大化した胸部をじっと見る] She’s acting crazy. Are any of your parents acting weird at all?
バターズ	Hey, fellas, are we making more boats for the– Whoa, hello! [カートマンの胸部を凝視して] Jesus, what happened to you, Eric?
カートマン	Okay, okay, fine. I was hoping everyone would just be cool, but I guess we need to talk about the elephants in the room. This was not a choice. You guys, I… I live in a hot dog, okay? And all I want is to have a real home, and a room that is mine to sleep in at night. To– is something funny, Clyde? [クライド、息を殺して笑う] Yeah, it’s real funny. If I were you guys, I’d be super pissed at my mom because you worked hard for this money.
カイル	All right, Cartman, stop fucking around. Obviously, those aren’t real.
カートマン	I didn’t say they’re real. They’re not real. They’re silicone implants surgically inserted under the chest muscle.
カイル	Nobody believes you actually got fake tits.
カートマン	These are real fake tits. Kenny, feel them. Go on. Feel them. [ケニー、カートマンの胸部を触って確認する]
ケニー	Those are fucking real, dude.
カイル	What?
カートマン	Thank you, Kenny. Now, if we can all get our minds off fucking boobs for a second, something’s happened to my mom.
トールキン	Mom? Mom, what’s wrong? [スタンたち、通話をするトールキンに注目する] Mom, slow down, I can’t understand you. [停止] What do you mean Dad is missing?
カートマン	See?
	水道管理人、巻きタバコに火をつけてピーピーと執務室で対面する。
水道管理人	I want to congratulate you, Pi-Pi. It appears you’ve won the streaming wars.
ピーピー	And I want to thank-a you for your service. It’s been-a nice working with you.
水道管理人	[含み笑い] You think it’s over? You’re gonna need me more than ever.
ピーピー	Oh, but, uh, but I have-a everything I need now. Water? [水の入ったグラスを水道管理人に差しだす]
水道管理人	You silly little guy. You really think you own all the water now? You know who actually owns the water? The State of Colorado. Every drop that rains from the sky. Your little water rights won’t mean anything when Arizona comes knocking, when Kansas wants all their water.
ピーピー	Oh no. You make-a Pi-Pi worry.
水道管理人	You’re gonna need me for a long time, buddy. [水を飲む]
ピーピー	You know who really own the water? Nobody. Now, the people a Denver, they think they have-a plenty of water. So they gonna go and use it all. And when all the water is-a gone, there’s only one thing left for people to use. [笑う] The one thing that-a Pi-Pi have more than everybody, huh? [水道管理人、水を吐き出す] No, no, no. It’s good. It’s completely safe. Just a little salty, eh?
水道管理人	You’re planning on selling piss?
ピーピー	It’s-a, it’s-a destiny. All the fresh water go bye-bye. Everybody gonna have to wash their clothes in pee. Brush their teeth in pee, no? And who has the most pee in all the land-a?
水道管理人	Only a psychopath would speed up climate change for his own profit.
ピーピー	Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig, eventually, he gonna kill everybody. He just gonna kill you first. [マンベアピッグ、水道管理人につかみかかり、室内で暴行に及ぶ]
	庭の芝生に水やりをする住民たちが映る。画面が切り替わり、シャワーを浴びる男性が映る。 デンバー貯水池の水が徐々に減少していく。 ランディ、「カレン・マーシュ」と書かれた自身の写真が掲載されたニュースサイトを閲覧する。ウェブサイトにはカスラーの死が記事になっている。 河川に水を供給するマンベアピッグの姿が映る。尿が混入された水を、住民が知らずに使用しつづける様子が描かれたところで、エピソードの前編が終了する。
South Park: The Streaming Wars終了