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"The Big Fix/台本" | "City People/台本" | "Back to the Cold War/台本" | ![]() |
キャスト[]
- エリック・カートマン:Eric Cartman
- ジョン・アスピナル:John Aspinal
- ジンボ・カーン:Jimbo Kern
- スキーター:Skeeter
- トァン・ルー・キム:Tuong Lu Kim
- ハリエット・ビッグル:Harriet Biggle
- バターズ・ストッチ:Butters Stotch
- マクダニエルズ町長:Mayor McDaniels
- マッケイ先生:Mr. Mackey
- ミセス・トゥイーク:Mrs. Tweak
- リアン・カートマン:Liane Cartman
- リチャード・アドラー:Richard Adler
- リチャード・トゥイーク:Richard Tweak
- サウスパーク不動産の社員:Real Estate Agents
- 都会人:City People
台本[]
City People | |
South Park Realtors, daytime. The camera begins to slowly move to the right as we see the inside of the office, with phones ringing and the real estate agents talking all at once with different customers. | |
Yes sir. If you’re looking to move out of the city, I think your family would love South Park. You can get four times the house here that you can get in the city. [there is a pause] A cortado? Is that like a coffee? [another pause] Yeah, we – we have a coffee shop here. Yes… | |
We’re up in the mountains about an hour from Denver. Do you think you could drive out from the city this weekend and I could show you some properties? [pause] Oh, you have a Tesla? Oh, how nice. | |
South Park – yeah, it’s a charming country village. If you’re able to work from home, I think you’ll really love it out here. [pause] LaCroix? The sparkling mineral water? Yes, I do believe we have that in our stores here…”[The camera now focuses on John Aspinal, sitting down on his office chair.] | |
We’re seeing a massive influx of city people moving out here to the country. And the truth is we don’t have enough real estate agents to keep up with all the demand. [camera cuts to Liane] | |
Well, I don’t have much experience but I thought I’d give real estate a try. | |
Mrs. Cartman, being a real estate agent takes a lot of intellect and a lot of raw talent. You have to get your picture taken. Get people to like the picture and go, “Oh, I’d like to hang out with that person.” And then act like you like those people when you show them houses. | |
Well, I do believe I’m good with people, and the truth is… I need to do this for my son. Our…rent is going up because of all the new people moving into town – and I don’t think I can afford it anymore. [uplifting music begins to play] | |
Well, then, I am going to give up a shot. Mrs. Cartman. For your little boy. | |
Cartman’s house, kitchen, later that same day. Cartman is seen scooping his hand from a jar of Nutella while looking at his tablet. His face is smeared with Nutella. | |
[struggling with his tablet] God dammit… Oh! You piece of shit! [Liane comes into frame a few seconds later] | |
Hello, sweetie! | |
Mom! Where the hell have you been?! I’ve been home from school for like 45 minutes! | |
I’m sorry, honey, mommy had some errands. | |
I didn’t have anything to eat except Nutella. I was about to call Child Services! | |
Honey… Mommy has some big news. [she sits down across Cartman at the dinner table] | |
What? | |
I… got a job, Eric. [menacing music plays] | |
I’m your job. | |
Oh, honey – It’s going to be good! Mommy is just going to be working a few days a week and you can be a big boy and take care of yourself. | |
[begins to get upset] No! | |
Eric, this has to happen. We can’t afford to live in this house unless I make more money, and this job pays really well. | |
Wha– what job could you possibly have?! You don’t know how to do anything! | |
I’m a real estate agent. | |
[softly] A what? | |
Butters’ house, living room, daytime. Butters is seen sitting down at the living room couch watching television and laughing. Seconds later, a knock is heard at the front door. Butters turns off the TV and gets up to answer the front door and Cartman is there. He seems to be carrying something in a duffle bag. | |
Hey Butters, I need your help. | |
Well– Well, sure Eric! What’s goin’ on? | |
Butters, I have some shocking news… My mom got a job. [Butters closes the door] | |
Oh… Oh,and you’re worried that maybe now your mom won’t always be there to take care of you? | |
What? No, my mom got a job. My mom is dumb as shit and somebody is paying her to do something. [he starts opening the duffle bag, revealing its contents. It is camera equipment.] Have you ever heard of a real estate agent, Butters? | |
Well, not really. | |
Yeah, well, neither had I. [he continues to set the equipment up as he talks] So I looked it up on a bunch of those shows and stuff. You don’t do anything. You just look nice and hug people and then when someone buys a house, you make money. | |
Wow! Well, that sounds like a good deal! | |
It’s more than a good deal, Butters. It’s fucking legal theft. If my mom can be a real estate agent, then literally anyone in the world can. [he pulls out a green screen from his duffle bag and sets it up] We’ve got all these people moving from the cities into our town. I can probably be a millionaire in just a few days time. | |
[excitedly] Wow wee! | |
[he begins to change into a real estate agent.] Now, whatever you do, don’t tell anybody. If anyone else finds out about this, they’ll all want to be real estate agents, too. You’ve always been great at taking pictures, Butters. [he poses for the camera and smiles] I won’t forget this when I’m rich. | |
Gosh, thanks, Eric! [he takes the picture] | |
A random residence, daytime. Outside, there is a South Park Realtors “For Sale sign.” Liane is seen with a clipboard on her hand, waiting. A Tesla vehicle starts to pull in as the camera focuses on the license plate. It reads “New York, JBG 1295 Empire State.” Liane prepares herself to greet the city people. | |
Okay, Liane… you’ve got this. You can do this! [she takes a deep breath and walks over to the city people] | |
[he hands out bottles of water] Bottled water. Bottled water. Bottled water. | |
Hello there! I believe I spoke with you on the phone? I’m Liane Cartman with South Park Realtors! | |
Uh-huh… uh-huh… | |
Well, this is the house I was telling you about. It just came on the market. [she hands out some documents about the house to the city people] It’s a 2,300 square foot mid colonial home. Detached garage– | |
Pilates? | |
Excuse me? | |
Pilates? | |
Is there a gym my wife can do Pilates? | |
Oh, you’re about five minutes from the local gym. | |
Pilates. Bottled water? | |
[begins to get nervous] Oh! Um, you have such a lovely family! It must have been a big drive from the city? | |
Tesla. We have a Tesla. | |
Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi. | |
Is there Wi-Fi? | |
No Wi-Fi. Bottled water. | |
Well, come on in, let me show you around! [Cartman comes into frame moments later, dressed as a real estate agent as other city people follow behind him.] | |
Okay, this is a three bedroom house with bathrooms. Front yard and backyard. | |
Eric, what are you doing? | |
Oh, I just got some clients here looking to relocate. These people are from the city. | |
Uh, cortado. | |
Bottled water. | |
Wi-Fi. Pilates. | |
Uh, excuse me one moment. [she walks over to Cartman and drags him out] Eric! What are you up to? | |
I got a job as a real estate agent, mom. | |
You are not a real estate agent– | |
Neither are you– | |
Now just march right back home and I will see you when I am done with work! | |
Mom, real estate is an open market. You’re not the only one who gets to take advantage of all the city people. [camera cuts back to the city people gathered around as they say things like cortado, bottled water, Wi-Fi, etc.] | |
[assertively] Eric, this house is being represented by South Park Realtors. You don’t get to just walk in and show it! | |
[angrily] Oh, ok! That’s fine! I have tons of friends in South Park! I’ll get my own listings! [walks away] | |
South Park Chamber of Commerce. Mayor McDaniels, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Adler, Mr. Kim, Jimbo, Skeeter and Harriet are all seen sitting down around a table. There is a meeting happening. | |
People, this is the most exciting time in the history of South Park. As you know, there are people from all over the country leaving the cities and coming to small, rural towns like ours. | |
It’s truly incredible for all of us. With this new surge of people from urban areas, we’re seeing more town money from sales taxes, more profit in our local businesses– | |
My bakery has seen a 20% increase in sales. Oh, I just love all these city people moving in! | |
That’s right. It’s great to have shitty people. These shitty people come with their fancy shitty crothes and their big shitty cars. You know, and these shitty people have a shitty way of doing things that will expose us all to their shitty ideas. | |
Yeah, and they’ve got city money and city lifestyles! | |
Shitty money, shitty lifestyles. And they’ll move here and bring their shitty famiries. And their cultured, shitty kids will hang out with our kids and expose them to their shitty ways. | |
I’ve always dreamed of South Park becoming more than a little hick town. [the music intensifies] And these city people bring with them… a new hope. | |
Here’s to the future, everyone! | |
The future! | |
The Tweak Residence, Living room. Cartman opens the front door as he lets in all the city people inside the house. All the city people follow him. | |
Okay, so this is a three bedroom two and a half bath– come on in, everybody! [he motions the city people to come inside] | |
Wi-Fi? | |
Wha– Wha– Wha– Wha? | |
LaCroix. | |
You got about 2,300 square feet and there is a finished basement. | |
Oat milk. Oat milk. | |
Detached garage– stairs head up to the master, which is an en suite, if I remember correctly. Let’s get on back to the kitchen… [starts walking, with the city people following him] | |
Cortado? | |
Few seconds later, the kitchen. Tweek, Richard and Mrs.Tweak are eating together at the dinner table. Cartman walks in uninvited with all the other city people looking around. | |
You’ve got a nice, big kitchen, pretty new appliances. Door in the back gets you out to the garage. | |
Excuse me, what are you doing? | |
Just showing them your house. Come on, let’s check out the second floor– | |
Our house isn’t for sale! Hey! [gets up from his chair] | |
Upstairs bathroom. Tweek’s grandma is seen using the toilet. Cartman walks in, scaring the grandmother. | |
Nice, big bathroom for the two rooms up here. Tweek’s grandma is staying in one of the rooms, which serves as an office space when she’s not here. | |
Back in the living room. | |
And then, we are back down to the spacious living room! | |
Will you please get out of our house? | |
Yeah, we’re just about done– well, what do you guys think? | |
Macbook, Tesla? | |
I’m sorry, I didn’t get that… | |
My son left his MacBook in the Tesla. | |
Oh, sure, well, let’s head on out now. We can take a lot at Jimmy’s house. [he starts to leave] It doesn’t have such sucky furniture. [the city people head outside] Let me talk to these guys and see if we can come up with a number. [he hands Richard a business card.] I think I can get you 4 million for this place. | |
Four million dollars, really? | |
I’ll be in touch. [he leaves] | |
Told you our furniture sucked! [she walks away] | |
Outside of South Park Realtors, daytime. All the city people are seen gathering around the building talking all at once. On the windows, there are some house listings. The camera cuts to inside the office. | |
Hey– Hey, John, I got some bad news. We just lost another client to the South Park Realty Group. | |
What?! | |
We’re losing people like crazy! These guys are ruthless. | |
Who is this South Park Realty Group?! Has anyone heard of them?! | |
[points at the documents in the folder] It appears to be mostly one agent. A-A pretty young guy– Can’t have been in the business that long– [Cartman’s picture appears, with the flier caption saying “Looking to Buy or Sell YOUR HOME? Call SOUTH PARK REALTY GROUP to satisfy any real estate needs.”] | |
Oh my god… That’s a pretty damn good picture. How’d he get that kind of depth of field? | |
I don’t know he’s gotta be using some kind of soft filter– nothing I’ve ever seen! | |
Alright, everyone! Looks like we’ve got some competition! If anyone thinks they can take our clients, they’ve got another thing coming. Everyone, get up. We’re gonna retake our pictures. | |
Awwwww! | |
No, no, no, we’re getting our butts kicked, and we need to show this kid what we can do! | |
Some time later. All of the realtors are retaking their pictures. One realtor goes up and attempts to remain his posture, but it becomes difficult to keep it. | |
Come on, Chris! You gotta look really welcoming! | |
[struggling] Ugh. I’m trying– | |
Come on, arch your back more! | |
I’m, ugh, arched as far as I can…! | |
Come on, Chris, you wanna lose another sale?! Arch your back more!!! | |
I-I got it–! [he ends up arching his back so far that his bones are heard cracking and screams in pain] [John takes the picture] | |
That’s good, we got it– Get in here, Carol! [the next realtor does the same and ends up snapping her back, screaming in pain. John snaps a picture] Got it! Ok, next! | |
A montage begins to play. The camera pans into the neighborhood as upbeat music plays. The Donovan residence is shown along with the address “2210 Mala Vista Dr.” The camera cuts to Cartman. | |
Hey, guys, it’s Eric from South Park Realty Group. Are you dreaming of moving out of the city and into the countryside? I want you to check out Clyde’s house. This is a 2,300 square foot mid colonial home – detached garage – now listing for just $3.5 million. Let’s check it out. | |
The montage continues, as it transitions from the neighborhood to an open grass field with various cows. The camera cuts back to Clyde’s house and Cartman walks inside | |
This house is so spacious. I think my cameraman Butters can attest to this. Isn’t this nice, Butters? | |
Yeah, it’s real roomy! | |
Just look at these amenities. | |
As the montage plays out again, the camera shows the living room couch, the kitchen sink, a random chair and a toilet. It cuts again to Cartman opening up the backyard glass door and walking out to the backyard. | |
These giant, glass double doors lead to the unfinished backyard. Plenty of room here for a pool or a horse stable.[camera zooms out] This is just one of the amazing properties we have at South Park Realty Group.We’ve got other great listings, like– [the camera begins to cut to the different houses mentioned, first starting with the Tucker Residence] Craig’s house, [next house, the Testaburger Residence] Wendy’s house, [the last house, the Broflovski Residence] and my personal favorite, Kyle’s House. [the camera cuts to Cartman sitting down on a beach chair with a drink] Get out of that sewage drain you call a city and start living the country life you’ve always wanted. | |
A logo for South Park Realty Group shows on screen. | |
South Park Realty Group. Get out of the city and into beautiful South Park. | |
The montage comes to a close. Various cars begin to come in from the highway and air horns start to blare. The city people speak all at once and various billboards are shown from South Park Realtors, with all the realtors posing with arched backs and smiles. | |
South Park Realtors office. | |
Uh, Liane, you got a call, line 2. Sounds like a broker interested in 4600 Highgate. | |
Ooh! Okay. | |
Liane takes telephone call. | |
Hi, this is Liane with South Park Realtors. | |
Cartman in front of the house. | |
How’s it going? This is Eric Cartman with South Park Realty Group. | |
Eric, stop it. | |
Well, I’m standing here with some clients who want to make a deal on this Highgate place. They wanna offer $175,000. | |
You are going to get me fired, Eric. And then we are going to lose our home! | |
$175,000 is a great number—$25,000 below asking, but you know you’re never gonna get $200,000. [to the city people] Don’t worry, these deals are always like this. | |
I am doing this job for us! So we can have a roof over our heads! | |
The HVAC all needs to be redone and you know it. | |
I am not talking about this anymore! | |
Okay, that’s fine mom, why don’t you go to fucking hell?! [he hands up, and talks to the city people] It always gets like this with agents. Don’t worry, she’ll call back, watch. | |
[Liane calls back] South Park Realty Group, this is Eric. | |
You are in so much trouble, young man! | |
Okay, okay… $180,000, but that’s as high as I can go. [he hangs up and looks at the city people] We got it. | |
South Park Realtors office, John is seen deeply troubled. | |
It just isn’t fair… We retook all our pictures, and what does South Park Realty Group go and do? They go and make a video. And just like that, they take all our customers. | |
I think maybe real estate just isn’t the same anymore. Maybe we gotta start making fancy videos to keep up. | |
Excuse me, there’s all these city people moving into town and I think I’d like to sell my property. | |
[all the realtors stand up and begin posing] R-really? | |
That’s great! | |
Hey, hey, sir! | |
We can sell your house! | |
[pushes the others away] Move! Move! Get! Get! [to the client] That’s a very smart idea! It’s definitely a sellers market right now! It’s good you came to South Park Realtors. What kind of house is it? | |
Que promotional video from South Park Realtors. | |
Once in a lifetime, a property comes up for sale that it’s so unique, it defies words. We know that good houses are getting hard to come by in South Park…and that’s why we are so excited to bring you this exceptional new property. | |
Different still images of the Coney Island Hotdog property, showing its look from the outside. | |
This is the historic Aspen Park Hot Dog. 200 square feet of pure luxury. Let’s check it out. | |
A montage of different images of the property’s disgusting and ruin looking interior. | |
You want to move out of the city and enjoy the laid back country life? It’s all here. [South Park Realtors logo shows up] Find out more about this dream home today at South Park Realtors. | |
City Wok restaurant, Tuong Lu Kim is preparing the foods. | |
LaCroix? LaCroix? Wifi? MacBook? | |
Huh…sound like-a shitty people. | |
Outside the restaurant, a bunch of city people are gathered, spouting nonsense. | |
Oh, no! There’s way too many shitty people! Go on, go, go! Shoo! Too many of you shitty people! Go on! Go on, shoo, shitty people! | |
The Mayor looks down at the city from her office, it’s plagued with city people. Then, inside her office. | |
People…we have a giant problem. There are now so many city people looking for houses in South Park…that it could destroy our rebounding economy. | |
Uh…how so? I thought city people were good for our economy. | |
They are, but Mr. Kim has a theory, and I think you all better listen to him. Mr. Kim. | |
What’s the one thing shitty people hate most? Other shitty people. Shitty people wanna get out of the shitty. If too many come here… South Park becomes shitty, and then all the shitty people gonna reave. | |
We can’t let that happen. Not when things are finally starting to turn around! | |
So then we have to find a way to stop this. | |
It’s the damn real estate agents! They’re the ones who are going overboard. They only care about their commissions! | |
Yes! We are to tell the realtors to cool their jets! | |
Realtors don’t care about anything but money. We have to show them who’s really in charge of this town…Jimbo—go to your gun store and get the necessary supplies. I’m declaring open season…on real estate agents. | |
A table with different things like LaCroix, Edamame, Cortados, and others. In front, a sign reading “OPEN HOUSE TODAY”. City people begin approaching and naming things like, “cortado”, “edamame”, “LaCroix”, “oat milk”. | |
Welcome, home buyers! I’m Eric with South Park Realty Group. We hope you’re enjoying the provided food and beverages. [the city people keep their distinct chattering] Yes, that’s right. You know, here at South Park Realty Group, we’ve had some amazing listings—Craig’s house, Jimmy’s house—but I think you’ll all agree that what we have for you today is a whole nother level. I present to you… Tolkien’s house! | |
[music starts playing] Wha-- wha-- wha-- wha-- | |
These owners have just moved out to a farm, and we’re listing this house at just under $50 million dollars. | |
The city people start running inside the house. | |
Yes! Go on in! Check it out! Make me an offer! | |
[tires screech, Liane gets out of her car] You are in big trouble, young man! | |
This is my listing, mom! | |
I have had it with you! Come here right now! | |
[Cartman looks worried, he walks inside the house] This is my listing, mom! | |
Eric! | |
Outside the South Park Realtors building. Jimbo, Mr. Kim, Mr. Adler and Ms. Biggle show up with guns. Ms. Biggle kicks the door down. Inside, they find all the realtors bleeding and hurt on the floor. | |
What the hell. | |
[wounded] Over here... | |
What happened here? | |
They’re too smart for us. South Park Realty Group. We tried to keep up… took our pictures again—aagh! My spine is broken. | |
Well, it serves you right for what you’re doing to our town! | |
You’re driving all the city people away! | |
Not us…South Park Realty Group...they upset the natural balance. Real estate agents don’t really do anything. If they start doing stuff, then the whole housing market goes crazy! | |
Where is South Park Realty Group located?! | |
They’re showing a house… The Tolkien house… you have to stop them. | |
Inside Tolkien’s house, the city people are everywhere. Cartman enters the scene running from Liane. | |
Agh! Help! Somebody call Child Protective Services! | |
Eric, you’re only making it worse! | |
Liane chases Cartman to the second floor, until she corners him. | |
I am not doing a co-brokering deal, mom, it’s not gonna happen! | |
This isn’t about that, Eric, and you know it! You’re upset! You’re upset because you don’t want your mom to have a job! | |
That isn’t true. | |
It is true! You’re scared and you’re jealous that a job will take my attention away from you! | |
You just want to offer the sellers a lower commission to list this house and it’s not going to work, mom! | |
It’s ok to be scared, Eric. I know that I’m the only family you have, but you’re making everything worse for us! | |
Gunshots shatter the windows, Liane and Eric scream, taking cover. Outside, Jimbo, Mr. Kim, Mr. Adler and Ms. Biggle are shooting the house. | |
I see one! There’s a real estate agent right there! | |
There’s a big one and a little, fat one! | |
Inside the house, the city people start panicking due to the gunshots. Cartman and Liane go to the kitchen and take cover. | |
Eric, you need to stop this right now. | |
When I close this deal, mom, I’m gonna be the richest kid in town! | |
It doesn’t work that way, Eric! You aren’t going to make any money—you’re just driving up the market and none of your deals will make it through escrow! | |
Well, we’ll just see in 30 days, won’t we? Except for some of my deals, which have a 45 day contingency period! | |
Fine, Eric! Will you stop all this if I quit my job?! | |
[Cartman looks at Liane with puppy eyes from the corner] And you won’t get any other job? | |
No! | |
And your only job will be me? And, you’ll be home when I get back from school and have my mid-afternoon meal already on the table? | |
Yes, Eric!..Yes… | |
The city people begin to escape from the house, while the others keep shooting the place. Liane shows a white cloth, in sign of surrender. | |
Hold yer’ fire! Come on out, ya’ damn real estate agents! | |
[with her hands up] Don’t shoot! I am not a real estate agent! I am quitting as of right now. And South Park Realty Group is no more. | |
We did it! We fucking did it! | |
Liane leaves with Cartman, defeated. The next scene shows the city people in their Teslas, leaving the town. A montage from South Park Realtors begins. | |
Real Estate is a delicate balance. It has to be left to the professionals. There’s a great migration happening all over America. And if we do it right… Everyone ends up in a home…that they can afford. | |
Cut to Coney Island Hot Dog, with a sign of “SOLD” taped on the name. A moving truck leaves, and inside, sit Cartman and Liane, with all their stuff cramped in the spot. | |
I think it’s cool we live in a hot dog. [he walks to the sink] We have everything we need here. We’ve got running water, a couch to sleep on. And most important, we have each other. [he opens the sink, and ketchup spurts on his face. Then mustard] | |
Coney Island Hot Dog from the outside. | |
Weak… I live in a hot dog. | |
City People終了 |
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エピソードの要素 |
エリック・カートマン • コニーアイランド・ホットドッグ • サウスパーク不動産 • サウスパーク不動産グループ • ジョン・アスピナル • トァン・ルー・キム • 都会人 • ブラック宅 • リアン・カートマン • "Whenever You Are Ready" | ||||
ナビゲーション | |||||
発行物 |
South Park: The Complete Twenty-Fifth Season |