Cartman Gets an Anal Probe/台本

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カール	アイク・ブロフロフスキー	ウェンディ・テスタバーガー
ヴェロニカ・クラブツリー	牛	エリック・カートマン
カイル・ブロフロフスキー	ケニー・マコーミック	シェフ
車掌	ジェイソン・ホワイト	スタン・マーシュ
ハーバート・ギャリソン	ハット君	バーブラディ巡査
ビル・デンキンス	ミスター・キティ	来訪者
リアン・カートマン

• 金髪の女性：Blonde woman
• 子供：A kid
• ニュースリポーター：News reporter

台本

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
	At the bus stop.
主役	School days, school days, teacher's golden ru...
カイル・ブロフロフスキー	Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again.
アイク・ブロフロフスキー	Eat banana.
カイル	Ike, you can't come to school with me. [Ike chortles.]
エリック・カートマン	Yeah, go home you little dildo!
カイル	Dude, don't call my brother a dildo!
スタン・マーシュ	What's a dildo?
カイル	Well, I don't know...[faces Cartman and points at him.] and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!
カートマン	I know what it means!
カイル	Well, what?
カートマン	I'm not telling you.
スタン	What's a dildo, Kenny?
ケニー・マコーミック	(It's a plastic dick that goes in a vagina.) [The others laugh.]
カートマン	He-yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right! [Kyle swings Ike by his feet, knocking Cartman down.] Ow! [Ike laughs.]
スタン	Dude, that kicks ass!
カイル	Yeah, check this one out. Ready Ike? Kick the baby!
アイク	Don't kick the baby.
カイル	Kick the baby.
	He kicks Ike like a football, who lands, knocking down four mailboxes. Cartman yawns.
スタン	Whoa, Cartman! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
カートマン	That's 'cause I was having these... bogus nightmares.
カイル	Really? What about?
カートマン	Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed...
	The dream sequence begins.
カートマン	...in the dark, when all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room.
	Through his window, one can see a spaceship land and its light stream in.
カートマン	Then slowly my bedroom door began to open... [A visitor peeks inside.]
カートマン	...and then the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway.
カートマン	Weeaak!
カートマン	Then I was lying on a table...
	Cartman is laying face down, Visitors lower his pajamas.
カートマン	...and these scary aliens wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes.
スタン	Dude! Visitors!
カイル	Totally!
カートマン	What?
スタン	That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were visitors!
カートマン	No, it was just a dream, my mom said so.
スタン	Visitors are real.
カイル	Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows.
カートマン	Oh, shut up guys! You're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working.
ジェローム・“シェフ”・マッケルロイ	[drives up and gets out of the car.] Hello there, children.
少年たち	[in unison] Hey, Chef.
スタン	What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
シェフ	Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley.
カートマン	Kick ass.
シェフ	Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night?
カートマン	[surprised.] Huh?
カイル	Yeah, fat boy saw it!
カートマン	Eh, no, that, that was just a dream. And I'm not fat, I'm big boned!
シェフ	Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes?
カートマン	Oh!
スタン	They took him on their ship.
シェフ	Oh! [quietly.] Did they give you an anal probe?
カートマン	Oh!
カイル	What's an anal probe?
シェフ	That's when they put this big metal hoop-a-joop up yo' butt.
カイル	Whoa! They gave you an anal probe Cartman?
カートマン	No! Uh-I mean, eh, why would they do that?
スタン	Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!
カートマン	No!
アイク	Eneh probe.
カートマン	Shut up, dildo!
シェフ	Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that fat boy now. He could be under alien control.
	Chef walks back to his car, there is a picture of a Visitor on his shirt with the word "Believe" written under it. Cartman goes catatonic as Chef drives off.
カートマン	Oh!
カイル	We told you they were real Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass.
カートマン	God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream!
	They start to file onto the bus.
カイル	Why you walkin' so funny Cartman?
カートマン	Shut up!
アイク	[Waddles by.] Oh foonuh bebe.
カイル	No, Ike, go home.
アイク	Eeeeee!
カイル	This is it. This one's for the game.
アイク	Purplor.
カイル	Kick the baby!
	He kicks Ike, who flies through the first window of the school bus and crashes out the window on the other side.
	On the bus.
スタン	Good morning, Miss Crabtree.
ミス・ヴェロニカ・クラブツリー	SIT DOWN! WE"RE RUNNING LATE!
	The bus pulls away, leaving Ike behind at the bus stop. Kyle is kneeling on the seat looking out the back window at him.
カイル	Damn it, he's still there.
スタン	Oh, don't worry about him.
カイル	No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me.
クラブツリー	SIT DOWN BACK THERE! AAAAAAH!!
スタン	Yeah, whatever, ya fat b****.
クラブツリー	WHAT DID YOU SAY?
スタン	I said I have a bad itch.
クラブツリー	[calmly] Oh.
カイル	[Gasps.] Oh, my God!
	Two Visitors are holding Ike between them
スタン	[Turning to see.] Visitors!
ケニー	(Oh nooo!)
カイル	Ike! [Kyle runs to the front of the bus.] STOP THE BUUUUUS! Ms. Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!
クラブツリー	SIT DOWN, KID!
カイル	But I have to get off!
クラブツリー	DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL!?
カイル	No.
クラブツリー	Then sit down!
カイル	But I...
クラブツリー	Arrgghhh!
カイル	Arrghh!
カイル、クラブツリー	Arrrggghhh!
	Kyle runs back to his seat. Ms. Crabtree has the last word.
スタン	Cartman, are those the same Visitors you saw?
カートマン	Shut up you guys, it's not working.
カイル	We have to do something!
スタン	Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat b**** won't let us.
クラブツリー	WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
スタン	Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
クラブツリー	Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.
	she makes a hard right, flinging kids onto the left side of the bus.
カイル	What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Stan farts.] You farted. [They laugh.]
カートマン	Heh, somebody's baking brownies.
	Behind the bus, a space craft rises into the sky, then zooms away.
	Farmer's grazing fields with a mutilated cow.
牧場主ビル・デンキンス	That's the third cow this month. At this rate all my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through.
	The cows moo questioningly.
バーブラディ巡査	This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
	The cows shake their heads.
牧場主のビル	People been saying they've been seeing UFO's around.
バーブラディ巡査	UFO's? [Laughs.]
牧場主のビル	Yeah, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks.
バーブラディ巡査	That is the silliest thing I've ever heard.
	Helicopters fly by above him.
牧場主のビル	What was that?
バーブラディ巡査	That, that was a pigeon.
牧場主のビル	What am I supposed to do, Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one?
	The cows notice something and raise their heads. One Visitor waves a piece of hay and whistles. The cows start running away from them.
牧場主のビル	Hey! My cattle!
	The "Cattle Ranch" sign falls down.
牧場主のビル	You see? There is somethin' funny goin' on!
バーブラディ巡査	There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back.
	Mr. Garrison's class.
ハーバート・ギャリソン先生	And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus.
ハット君	That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. And then in 1492, Columbus started a restaurant...[He is drowned out by Kyle's voice.]
カイル	[Whispering.] Oh, man. I can't just sit here, I have to help my stupid brother, or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling, "Where's your brother, Kyle?" "You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?"
スタン	[Whispering.] Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him.
カイル	[His voice is rising to an audible level.] "You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!" "Brush and floss, Kyle!" "Where has that finger been, Kyle?"
スタン	Dude!
ギャリソン先生	Is there a problem, boys?
カイル	Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.
ギャリソン先生	Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?
カイル	No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Silence.] It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe.
カートマン	[Embarrassed.] Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh, heh.
カイル	[Kyle walks up to Mr. Garrison's desk.] Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?
ギャリソン先生	I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
カイル	I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
ギャリソン先生	Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
カイル	Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
ハット君	Well, Kyle, NO!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
ギャリソン先生	Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle.
カイル	[Frustrated.] Damn it!
カートマン	Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you.
	Cartman farts fire. Poor Pip is stunned.
カートマン	Ow! My ass!
	The class gasps.
スタン	Dude!
カイル	Damn, Cartman!
カートマン	[Cartman farts fire again.] Uh... Ow! My ass!
カイル	Dude, he's farting fire!
スタン	It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!
カートマン	No, that was just a dream.
ギャリソン先生	Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?
カートマン	No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine.
	Cartman farts fire again, setting Pip aflame. Pip runs around the room on fire.
	Train station. Cows flock in from all around and stand in line, waiting to board the train out of town.
車掌	Hey, you cows can't get on this train! This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, all right? 'Cause you're cows.
	The cows are all staring at the conductor.
車掌	No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right? 'Cause it's not gonna work.
バーブラディ巡査	[Drives by with his lights flashing.] Hold it right there, cows!
	Cows split up and run off mooing.
バーブラディ巡査	Come back here! Now then! [He pursues them.]
	Cafeteria
子供	So then I had bad, bad gas.
ジェイソン	Ya, seriously, killer.
カートマン	[Cartman farts fire.] Oh!! Whoa, I sure am hungry.
スタン	How can you eat when you're farting fire?
カートマン	Shut up, dude, you're being totally immature.
カイル	Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger.
スタン	[Gasps.] Where?
	He finds himself looking right at her. An epiphany plays while hearts dance around Stan's head. Stan smiles, and it soon goes from ear to ear
カートマン	[Singing.] Stan wants to ki-iss Wendy Testabur-ger.
スタン	Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like her!
カートマン	I'm not fat. And you obviously like her because you throw up every time she talks to you.
スタン	I do not!
ウェンディ・テスタバーガー	Hi, guys.
カイル、カートマン	Hi, Wendy.
ウェンディ	Here, Stan. This is for you. [Wendy hands Stan a note.]
スタン	Bleech!
ウェンディ	Eww! [She leaves.]
カイル、カートマン	[Their eyes follow her out.] Bye, Wendy.
カイル	Dude, what does the note say?
スタン	[He glances at it.] Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.
	A look of wonder comes over his face.
カイル	Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
カートマン	Or slip her the tongue.
ケニー	(Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.)
スタン	[That gets his attention.] What? How do you know she has a cat?
	Silence, Kenny waits to see if the other guys got the message, then laughs. The rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant.
カイル	Come on you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back.
	The cafeteria kitchen. Chef stands behind the counter, ready to serve food. The boys enter.
シェフ	Hello there, children.
少年たち	Hey, Chef.
シェフ	How are you doing?
カイル	Bad.
シェフ	Why bad?
カイル	Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?
シェフ	Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up. I'm gonna make love to you woman Gonna lay you down by the fire And caress your womanly body Make you moooooan and perspi-yah! Gonna--
スタン	Uh, Chef?
シェフ	--get those juices flowin'--
スタン	Chef.
シェフ	--we're makin' love gravy--
スタン	Chef!
シェフ	--love gravy, lovelovelovelovelove gravih!
スタン	[shouts loud enough for Chef to hear] CHEF!!!
シェフ	Love luh-- Huh?
	Silence. Kenny nods towards Kyle.
シェフ	Do you feel better?
カイル	No!
シェフ	Oh, come on children, what could be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day.
スタン	Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.
シェフ	What?!
	Chef tosses a food tray aside and runs to the other side of the counter.
シェフ	What the hell do you think you're doing in school eatin' Salisbury steak?! Go find him, damn it!
カイル	Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up.
カートマン	You are making it up.
	Cartman farts more fire, the anal probe pops out, moves around and puts its metal arms on its hip, looking annoyed at Cartman's determination that it didn't happen.
スタン	Whoa!
	The probe goes back into Cartman's ass.
カートマン	What?
カイル	That was cool!
シェフ	It's uh some kind of symbiotic, metamorphosis device.
	Cartman turns about so Chef can check out the probe.
シェフ	This could mean the Visitors want to communicate with us.
カートマン	[Turning to face Chef, testily.] Oh, I see. Now you're going to join in on the little joke huh?
シェフ	It's no joke, children, this is big!
カイル	Please, Chef, if I don't get out of school and get my little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me.
シェフ	Uuh, hold on now, hold on now. [To himself.] Uhyouyouyou you gotta help the children.
カートマン	Oh, you guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!
シェフ	[Pulling on the fire alarm] Fire drill! Fire drill! Everybody out! [To the boys.] Okay children, this is your chance!
スタン	Killer! Thanks, Chef.
シェフ	Mahahahahan oh man, first contact with the alien Visitors. I've got to get myself ready.
	The boys' neighborhood.
少年たち	[Singing.] We got out of school, No more school today, We got out of school...
	Cartman, interrupting the song with a fiery fart.
カートマン	Oh!! You guys, my ass, seriously..!
スタン	Okay, Cartman, you can stop farting fire now.
カートマン	I would if I could, you son of a b****!
カイル	Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?
カートマン	Uh—Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream, I know I didn't have an anal probe, and I know that I'm not under alien control!
	a radio wave strikes Cartman and he gets big blushy cheeks and starts to sing.
カートマン	I love to singa, About the moon-a and the June-a and the springa, I love to sing-a, About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...
	A second radio wave reverts him to normal and all is quiet. Dogs bark in the background.
スタン	What the hell was that?
カイル	He is under alien control. That thing in his butt is linked up to the Visitors!
カートマン	Ah, son of a b****!
カートマン	You guys, shut up. I'm not under alien control.
	Kyle yells into Cartman's ear. His voice echoes.
カイル	Hey!
カートマン	Uh...
カイル	If you Visitors can hear me-
	The voice echoes in Cartman's head.
カートマン	Hey...
カイル	-bring me back my little brother, God damnit!
カートマン	Ow! [Faces Kyle.] That hurts, you buttlicker!
	Stan notices a spaceship hovering overhead.
スタン	Kyle, look! It's them.
カイル	Give me back my brother!
	Kyle throws a rock at the spaceship. It fires back with a flash of light, hitting Kenny and knocking him into the road.
スタン	Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
カイル	You bastards! Come back here! Coomme baack!
	The spaceship leaves.
カイル	Damn it, we were so close!
スタン	Hey look, [Kenny gets up.] I think Kenny's okay.
ケニー	(Don't worry, I'm alright. Argh!)
	The fleeing cows run over Kenny.
スタン	Owww.
ケニー	[He gets up again.] (Nope, I'm all fine. Agh!)
	Officer Barbrady mows him down with his police cruiser. Kenny ends up along the curb, lifeless. The boys approach.
スタン	Wow, poor Kenny.
カイル	Now do you believe us, Cartman?
カートマン	No!
カイル	Cartman, they killed Kenny!
カートマン	He's not dead.
スタン	Dude, Kenny is dead!
	Stan picks up a stick and hits Kenny's bloody body.
スタン	See?
カートマン	Shut up, you guys.
カイル	He's dead, Cartman!
	Kyle pulls Kenny's head off his body.
カートマン	God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! [He walks off.] Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.
カイル	Go on and go home, you fat chicken!
カートマン	[Off screen.] Dildo!
カイル	You're all I have left, Stan.
スタン	Sorry, dude. I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger.
カイル	You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared, up there all alone. You gotta help me, dude!
	Rats feast upon Kenny's body.
スタン	Dude, like Chef says, I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot. [He hurries away.]
	Rats drag Kenny's head off.
カイル	Rats.
	Cartman's house.
リアン・カートマン	Hello, Eric.
カートマン	Hi, Mom.
リアン	How are you doing?
カートマン	Well, I'm pissed off!
リアン	Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise.
カートマン	I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise. All the kids at school call me fat!
リアン	You're not fat, you're big boned.
カートマン	That's what I said.
リアン	You can have an eensy weensy bit, can't you?
カートマン	No!
リアン	Just a weensy eensy woo woo?
カートマン	No, leave me alone mom! [He walks past her.]
リアン	How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie, then?
カートマン	[He stops in his tracks.] What? Well, that does sound pretty good.
	He returns to sit on the sofa while his mom goes off to get the pie.
カートマン	Uh, Mom?
リアン	Yes, hon?
カートマン	If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay?
リアン	Sure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofs, too?
	Cartman is in disbelief she even asked.
カートマン	Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs.
	Stark's Pond. Kyle decided to join Stan.
カイル	Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the Visitors now.
スタン	But her note said she'd be here.
	Wendy appears out of nowhere.
ウェンディ	Hi, Stan.
スタン	Bleech!
ウェンディ	Eww!
カイル	You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.
ウェンディ	But why, Stan?
	Stan tries to hold it in.
スタン	Bleech!
ウェンディ	Eww!
カイル	Look, can you guys just get down to business so we can go find my little brother?
ウェンディ	[Turns to Kyle.] Huh?
カイル	Just make sweet love down by the fire.
ウェンディ	What happened to your little brother?
	Cartman's house. Cartman is on the sofa watching TV.
ニュースリポーター	As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns.
	A plane circles around a field with odd patterns on it, and a cameraman pans out to reveal the outline of Cartman.
カートマン	Hey, that kind of looks like... Tom Selleck.
ニュースリポーター	Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with us, here on Earth?
ミスター・キティ	Meow.
	Noticing Mr. Kitty eyeing his pot pie.
カートマン	No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie.
ミスター・キティ	Meow.
カートマン	No, Kitty, you bad kitt--!
ミスター・キティ	Meow.
カートマン	No, Kitty, it's mah pot pie!
	Kitty hisses.
カートマン	Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!
	Liane peeks in suggestively.
リアン	Well, then. I know a certain kitty-kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight!
カートマン	[Confused.] What?
	Stark's Pond. Kyle is explaining what happened to his little brother.
カイル	...and now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed.
ウェンディ	Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?
カイル	Why?
ウェンディ	Well, if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the Visitors are using him as part of their plan. You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back.
カイル	Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman. [He moves out.]
ウェンディ	Come on, Stan. [She walks past him, following Kyle.]
スタン	Bleech!
ウェンディ	Eww! [She walks away.]
スタン	Hey, wait. When do I get to make sweet love?
	A bird flies into his puke and starts waddling around in it.
	Cartman's House, a short time later.
ミスター・キティ	Meow.
カートマン	No, Kitty, you can't have any!
ミスター・キティ	Meow.
カートマン	No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie! Bad Kitty--!
	Cartman farts fire, setting the cat ablaze.
カートマン	Eh, 'scuse me, Kitty.
	Liane enters the room with Kyle, Stan, and Wendy.
リアン	Eric, look who's here.
カートマン	Dude, weak mom.
カイル	Come on Eric, we can go play at the bus stop.
カートマン	I can't, my mom said...
リアン	That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends.
カートマン	[Quietly.] But mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends--
リアン	[Stern.] Don't be difficult, Eric! Now, you go out and play in the fun snow.
カートマン	God damn it!
	Mr. Kitty then runs by in flames.
	Forest at night. Cartman's right foot is tied to a tree.
カートマン	You guys, I have to get home.
スタン	Don't be such a fraidy-cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again.
	Cartman tugs his foot testing the rope.
カートマン	Oh, man, this sucks.
カイル	How come the Visitors aren't coming for him?
スタン	I think we have to signal them somehow.
カートマン	[Cartman farts fire.] Ow!
ウェンディ	Hey, he's like Rudolph.
カイル	Yeah! All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the Visitors are sure to come!
カートマン	Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.
カイル	Sure you do!
スタン	Come on Cartman, fart!
カートマン	I don't wanna.
スタン	[To Kyle and Wendy.] He can't hold it in forever.
カイル	Fart, damn you!
カートマン	Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!
	Farts. An anal probe comes out of his butt and expands.
カートマン	I'm sick of it! It's completely immature.
スタン	Hey, it's happening again.
	The probe is now a large satellite dish.
カイル	Whoa, look at that.
スタン	Now, do you believe us, Cartman?
カートマン	You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up.
スタン	Cartman, there's a 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass!
カートマン	Sure, you guys, what-ever.
	The dish sends a radio signal out to space.
	Chef's yard. He's sitting in a lawn chair with a can of ZOOP in his hand. An Igloo cooler is next to him.
シェフ	Oh, boy. The aliens are going to make first contact. Hey, down here, we are ready for your wisdom! [He looks at his watch.] And you've only got 20 minutes before Sanford and Son is on.
	Forest.
カートマン	You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now! I know there is no such things as aliens!
	Three small ships descend, followed by a mother-ship.
カートマン	Oh, God damn it!
ギャリソン先生	[Driving by, he stops.] What the? I tell you, there's some crazy stuff going on in this town.
ハット君	You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
スタン	Come down here, you stinking aliens! [Three Visitors appear.]
カイル	Uh, uh...
スタン	Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back.
カイル	Vi, Visitors, this morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... i- is a pretty special thing.
スタン	Yeah.
カイル	Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.
スタン	That was beautiful, dude.
カイル	Did it work?
スタン	No, they're leaving.
カイル	Hey, you scrawny-eyed shits, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!
スタン	Whoa, dude!
カイル	You know what you fuckers like! You like to fuck! And shit! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck!
スタン	Hey Wendy, what's a fuck? [She shrugs.]
	The spaceship door opens.
アイク	Help me doy tair.
カイル	Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!
アイク	Don't hurt me.
	A herd of cows runs away from the ship, but a trio of Visitors stops them in their tracks. The cows moo and quiver with fear until the middle Visitor raises its hand and addresses them.
来訪者	Moo... Moo...Moo moo, moo moo... (Greetings, cows of Earth. We come in peace.)
牛	Moo?? (Really??)
カイル	Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now on!
アイク	Don't kick the baby.
来訪者	Moo moo, moo. Moo moo, moo. Moo. (We have experimented with all the beings of Earth, and we have learned that you are the most intelligent and wise.)
カートマン	What the hell are they talking about?
牛	Moo moo? (Why did you turn some of us inside out?)
来訪者	Moo moo, moo. Moo. (Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new.)
カール	Moo...moo...moo moo. (Yeah, sorry about that. My bad!)
カイル	Ike!
来訪者	Moo moo. Moo moo. Moo. (Take this device. It is a gift from us.)
	The cows look at each other and moo in agreement.
カイル	Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!
アイク	It's my turn!
	Ike dives from the ship into the snow. The satellite goes back into Cartman's butt.
来訪者	Moo moo. Moo moo. (Farewell cows, peace be with you!)
	The Visitors disappear. The spaceship pulls Cartman up but the rope keeps him grounded.
カートマン	You guys, get me down from here!
	He farts fire, burning the rope. The tractor beam takes him into the ship and the spaceship flies away.
カートマン	Ow! Help! Sons o' b******! Dildos!
スタン	Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with.
カイル	Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike.
アイク	Oh, he fly out the sky.
	Chef's yard.
シェフ	Wait, where are you going, alien Visitors? Come back!
	A blonde arrives with a brunette.
金髪女性	Well, Chef, where's this amazing thing you were going to show us.
シェフ	Well, i- it's in the bedroom, ladies. Come on in.
	Forest.
カイル	Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner. [They leave.]
スタン	Thanks for your help, Wendy.
ウェンディ	Whatever, dude.
スタン	Hey, I didn't throw up.
ウェンディ	Cool!
	She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and that music plays again. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy.
スタン	Bleech!
	He barfs right on her face.
ウェンディ	Eww!
スタン	Sorry.
ウェンディ	Hey, look. A French fry.
スタン	Cool.
ウェンディ	And what is that?
スタン	I think it's part of a Cheesy Poof.
	Chef's song starts up and the camera pulls away.
ウェンディ	Hey, what's that?
スタン	That's uummm... a hamburger from... that's from, like, two days ago.
ウェンディ	Oh hey, what about that?
スタン	I don't know what the hell that is...
	Bus Stop.
スタン	Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around.
カイル	Yeah, we're running out of friends.
スタン	I wonder what that thing was that the Visitors gave the cows.
	Cows out on a pasture.
牛	Mooo.
バーブラディ巡査	Ha ha cows! I've got you cornered. Let's see you get away now.
	One of the cows steps on the plate on the Visitor's device. A beam from the device strikes Officer Barbrady. His glasses fly off, and cheeks become rosy.
バーブラディ巡査	I love to sing-a, About the moon-a and the June-a and the Spring-a, I love to sing-a, About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...
	The cows begin hopping about gleefully.
	Bus Stop. Cartman falls out of the sky, landing on his side next to Kyle and Stan.
カートマン	Puh!
スタン	Oh, hey Cartman.
カイル	Wow Cartman, the Visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school.
カートマン	Ah, man, I had this crazy nightmare last night.
スタン	Really, what about?
カートマン	Well, I was standing out in a field, and I had this huge satellite dish sticking out of my butt. And then there was... hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
スタン	That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened.
カートマン	[Sarcastically.] Oh right, [Matter of factly.] why don't I have pinkeye then?
カイル	Cartman, you do have pinkeye!
カートマン	Ahh, son of a b****!
Cartman Gets an Anal Probe終了