Back to the Cold War/台本

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台本

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"City People/台本"

"Back to the Cold War/台本"

"Help, My Teenager Hates Me!/台本"

キャスト

画像／名前
セルゲイ・ショイグ	PC校長	ウェンディ・テスタバーガー
ウラジーミル・プーチン	クライド・ドノヴァン	スティーブン・ストッチ
デイヴィ・ソロコフ	ハーバート・ギャリソン	馬術競技大会の審判員
馬術の指導員	バターズ・ストッチ	マッケイ先生
マッケイ先生の母	リンダ・ストッチ

• 北アメリカ航空宇宙防衛司令部の指揮官：NORAD Director
• 北アメリカ航空宇宙防衛司令部の従業員たち：NORAD Employees
• ケイティ：Katie
• ケリー：Kelly
• ナレーター：Narrator
• ロシア連邦政府の役人たち：Kremlin Menn

台本

Back to the Cold War
	昼、サウスパーク小学校におけるギャリソン先生の教室。生徒たち、全員着席して授業を待つ。ギャリソン先生、入室して授業の準備を始める。
ギャリソン先生	Okay children, let's take our seats. [椅子をつかんで着席] I know there's a lot of things going on and we're all a little bit worried. I've heard some of you express concern over current events, so I think we should discuss what's happening. It is true – Rick and I did get into a fight over the weekend. [静寂] Now, I don't know what you've heard and what you haven't, but Rick was wrong, okay? He's the one that needs to apologize.
ウェンディ	We're not worried about that, we're all worried about Putin.
ギャリソン先生	Putin? It was just a little noise when I pulled out. Nobody was "pootin", okay? And anyway, you kids shouldn't be talking about that kind of stuff! Geez!
マッケイ先生	[教室の扉を開けて] Uh, kids! I need your attention! We're doing an emergency drill this morning, m'kay?
クライド	A drill?
マッケイ先生	M'kay, now, we haven't done these in a long time, but we need to be prepared if the Russians decide to nuke us. Now, when you hear this sound…
マッケイ先生	[全校放送用のスピーカーから] The Russians are nuking us.
マッケイ先生	...then you need to quickly and calmly get out of your seats and get to the gymnasium, m'kay?
マッケイ先生	[スピーカーから] The Russians are nuking us. [しばらくの間、生徒たちは混乱した様子で静まり返る]
マッケイ先生	[大声で] The Russians are fucking nuking us! Go! Go, go go! [教室の扉を指差して] We're all gonna die! [生徒たち、慌てて教室から飛び出す] Come on! Come on! The missiles are coming! They've lost their minds! Run! Get to the gym! Get to the gym! [別教室の扉を開けて] Come on, we're getting nuked! Everyone to the gym! It's our only chance!
	生徒たち、大騒ぎをしながら体育館へと向かう。
マッケイ先生	Under the bleachers! Go! Come on, move! Everyone's going to die!
	生徒たち、体育館に設置されたベンチの下に隠れる。悲鳴が止まる。1人の生徒、ベンチから慎重に頭を出す。
マッケイ先生	M'kay. That was… 22 seconds. That's not bad, m'kay. Now, if this were real, we would just all stay here and wait to hear from our government and maybe, maybe listen to some appropriate music. Like we did back in the '80s.
	音楽が流れる。歌唱が始まると、マッケイ先生が踊りはじめる。
音楽	Take your baby by the hand, Do the next thing that you feel, I said…
	"South Park: Back to the Cold War!"という言葉とと共に、80年代風のロゴが登場する。
ナレーター	South Park. Back to the Cold War. Starring…
	音楽を背景にバターズ、ストッチ夫妻、馬のメランコリー、ウラジーミル・プーチン大統領が短時間のみ映る。
ナレーター	Butters! Stephen and Linda Stotch! Melancholy, the horse! And the comedy of Vladimir Putin!
音楽	Dancehall days, love…
	昼、パーク郡乗馬施設。馬術競技の練習風景が描かれる。来たる大会のために子供たちがポニーに乗って練習をする。
ケリー	Hi, Katie!
ケイティ	Hi, Kelly!
少女1	Oh my gosh, Pixie looks so pretty today!
少女2	Thanks! I braided my pony's tail.
バターズ	Hi, Josslyn! Hi, Staci Mae!
少女たち	Hi, Butters.
指導員	Alright, pony riders. We've got a big competition this weekend, so let's line up and do our rails.
	子供たち、練習の準備を整える。バターズ、離れた場所で見守る両親・リンダとスティーブンに近づく。
バターズ	Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!
スティーブン	Don't wave at us, Butters! [リンダに向けて] Judges hate when they wave. He needs to not do that.
指導員	Okay, Staci Mae, nice trot. Here comes the jump. [馬、ジャンプに成功] Good! Very nice. Okay, next. [続く馬もジャンプに成功] Good, Heather. That's good control of Sunshine. Good. Okay, Butters. Come on, you're next.
スティーブン	Come on, Butters. Come on! [メランコリー、跳躍が低くポールに脚がわずかに触れる] Oh! He clunked it! It's okay… It's okay. Good job, Butters. Good job. Fuck! [リンダに向けて] We should just pull Butters out of dressage. He sucks at this.
リンダ	Oh, we can't pull him out. He loves it.
スティーブン	Don't you understand, Linda? I'm scared. The big competition is this weekend. Butters will be going up against the Russians. [リンダ、表情をくもらせる]
リンダ	Oh, look, here comes the Russian now. [ロシア人選手、馬小屋から登場]
ストッチ夫妻	Boo!
スティーブン	Boo, Russia! Boooo! [リンダ、ウラジーミル・プーチン大統領の顔に斜線を引いたポスターを掲げる]
男性	Hey, what are you booing a little kid for?
スティーブン	Don't you know who that is? That's Dan Solokov's kid! Dan Solokov? Who works at the Ace Hardware over in Meeker? Even the kid's pony is a Russian Etruscan! [ソロコフ家の息子に向かって] You piece-a-shit communist! You won't take our freedoms away! Boo, Russia!
	カウンセリングルーム。マッケイ先生、椅子に座って音楽を聞きながら陶酔した様子である。
音楽	Games without frontiers…
マッケイ先生	[合わせて歌う] "War without tears… Jeux sans frontiers…" [ノックの音] Yeah?
	扉が開く。PC校長、書類を手に扉から顔をのぞかせる。
PC校長	Mr. Mackey, I'd like to have a word with you.
マッケイ先生	Oh, yeah, yes, of course, PC Principal. [ラジオの音量を下げる]
PC校長	I see that you've, uh, called for another nuclear emergency drill this afternoon?
マッケイ先生	Yes, that's right. We are going to be prepared.
PC校長	Well, Mr. Mackey, this is the seventh drill that we've done in two days. And I see that you also put in the budget for a bomb shelter and 20 VHS copies of "Red Dawn".
マッケイ先生	VHS is still really the best format when you think about it.
PC校長	Mr. Mackey, I'm starting to worry that this is sort of… nostalgic for you, like you're kind of enjoying this.
マッケイ先生	[怒りの表情で] Enjoying it? My job is to have this school ready. Kids need to know what Russia is capable of. Оставь меня в покое.（立ち去れ）
PC校長	[片方の眉を上げて] You speak Russian?
マッケイ先生	No, but I've watched "Hunt For Red October" like 200 times.
PC校長	Mr. Mackey, I am not asking you. I'm telling you – stop with all the drills and stop putting ideas into our students' heads.
マッケイ先生	No, you – you're right, of course. I'm – I'm over-reacting.
PC校長	Okay.
マッケイ先生	M'kay…
	PC校長の退室後、奇妙な音楽が背景に流れる。マッケイ先生、周囲を慎重に確認したのちにカウンセリングルームを出る。アドラー先生の背後を通り過ぎて校長室に侵入する。 侵入後、室内を物色してPC校長の情報を探し、書類棚を確認して複数枚の写真を撮る。
	練習別日、パーク郡乗馬施設。バターズと両親、メランコリーを連れて歩く。
スティーブン	Alright, Butters, you've just got two more days before the dressage competition.
バターズ	I'll do my best, Dad!
スティーブン	You're gonna have to do better than that, Butters. You see that little Russian kid over there? [デイヴィ・ソロコフを指して] That kid doesn't give a shit about you. He just wants to win and take what little patriotism our country has left.
バターズ	That kid?
スティーブン	You didn't live through the Cold War, Butters, but we did. This tournament is going to be turned into a political spectacle, and we have to win. Otherwise, I'm afraid we'll have to give your pony away to communists who slaughter ponies and donkeys to make skin cream. That's mostly the Chinese, but a commie's a commie.
リンダ	Better dead than red, Butters.
バターズ	Oh, Jesus! Not Melancholy!
スティーブン	Now, that little prick is trying to intimidate you. I want you to go in there and show him how an American rides!
バターズ	[舌打ちして] Come on, boy! [メランコリー、立ち止まって排便]
スティーブン	Butters! Butters, what the hell are you doing?!
バターズ	Well, I dunno!
スティーブン	You have to learn to control!
バターズ	[舌打ち] Come on, Melancholy, come on! [メランコリー、勃起した生殖器を露出する]
少女たち	Ewwww!
スティーブン	Butters, what the hell is that?!
バターズ	What is what? [下を見て] Oh, geez! Put that thing away, Melancholy!
スティーブン	[ささやき] Jesus, Linda, what are we gonna do?
	カウンセリングルーム。マッケイ先生、何か容疑をつかむ証拠はないかとPC校長の写真を調査しながら、メモを取る。
マッケイ先生	What are you up to, you piece of shit?
	バターズ、気落ちしたようにうつむきながら入室する。
バターズ	Hello, sir. I just needed to talk to somebody. I've been having some problems at home.
マッケイ先生	[無関心に] Uh-huh, m'kay, that's nice. That's good to hear. Why don't you just, uh, sit there and tell me about it?
バターズ	Well, it's just my parents. You see, a few months ago, I saw this little girl riding a pony and I said, "Whoa! I wanna do that!"
マッケイ先生	Uh huh…
バターズ	So we found a stable and a trainer, and I started to learn dressage. And I got to lease a pony, and his name is Melancholy.
マッケイ先生	Yeah. Yeah, that must be tough. I'm sorry to hear that, m'kay.
バターズ	Well, I love to ride Melancholy. But now I'm feeling all this pressure to win. My parents said I have to win because it's against the Russians.
マッケイ先生	M'kay, we – the what? [緊迫感のある音楽が流れる]
バターズ	It's the Russians. I mean, I guess they're just really good at dressage, but now my dad says it's a matter of national security.
マッケイ先生	M'kay. Butters. Don't move your head.
バターズ	Don't move my head? I –
マッケイ先生	Uh, uh! They're probably watching us, so keep acting like you're asking me for help.
バターズ	Well, o-okay, but I kind of am asking you for help, ya know, because I'm feeling really lost and miserable.
マッケイ先生	That's good. Now listen carefully. What did your parents tell you?
バターズ	Well, they said if I don't do well at dressage, it could mean the end of all of our freedoms.
マッケイ先生	Jesus Christ… M'kay! Well, Butters, you know sometimes troubles at home can be bad, m'kay. [バターズの隣で膝を突き、ささやきける] I need you to tell me everything you know about dressage.
	翌日、パーク郡乗馬施設。バターズ、メランコリーと施設内をを歩く。
バターズ	We need to have a serious talk, Melancholy, and I need you to listen. [立ち止まり、メランコリーと対面して] There's a time to poop, and there's a time to work. And the best thing is to poop when your work is done. I-It's like when I'm in the classroom, sometimes I have to poop, but I have to wait until lunch break. If I really have to go, I can raise my hand and ask politely. But if you start to poop while we're competin', the judges are gonna deduct points. And then the Russians will beat us, and then you're gonna get turned into Chinese skin cream! [メランコリーに近づき、なでながら] We have to do this, Melancholy. You and me have to focus like never before. Now, let's go show them what we can do! [決意の表情でメランコリーにまたがり] Let's go! [舌を鳴らす]
	躍動感のある音楽が流れる。バターズ、メランコリーと駆けながら笑顔を浮かべる。
バターズ	That's it! You got it, boy!
	突如音楽停止。メランコリー、排便する。
バターズ	Nope! Nope! Melancholy! Over the jump, boy! [メランコリーに走行を続行させようとするがかなわず] Come on, Melancholy! [メランコリー、体の向きを変える] What? W-Where are you going? [メランコリーをいさめようとしながら] Melancholy, back to the jump! Whoa, Melancholy, Whoa!! W-What are you doing now?
	メランコリー、他の馬に近づく。効果音とともに勃起した生殖器を突き出し、他の馬にまたがる。そして……。
バターズ	Now I'm not sure what's going on here. [馬に乗った少女が悲鳴を上げつづける] No! No! No! Melancholy! Bad pony! I'm sorry, ma'am! Melancholy, to the jump!
	雪山、カメラが移動する。ロシア連邦国歌が流れるなか、ソロコフ宅が映る。デイヴィが裏庭で馬と練習の後、両親と食事をとる。 マッケイ先生、窓からソロコフ宅を監視する。
	Россия - священная наша держава, Rossiya - svyashchennaya nasha derzhava, Россия - любимая наша страна. Rossiya - lyubimaya nasha strana. Могучая воля, великая слава - Moguchaya volya, velikaya slava - Твое достоянье на все времена! Tvoye dostoyan'ye na vse vremena! Славься, Отечество наше свободное, Slav'sya, Otechestvo nashe svobodnoye, Братских народов союз вековой, Bratskikh narodov soyuz vekovoy, Предками данная мудрость народная! Predkami dannaya mudrost' narodnaya!
	80年代の音楽が流れる間、マッケイ先生、ソロコフ宅の厩舎（きゅうしゃ）に忍び込む。マッケイ先生の頭に何者かが銃を突きつける。
スティーブン	What are you doing here?
マッケイ先生	Don't shoot… I-I'm just the school counselor…[振り返って相手を見て] Mr. Stotch?
スティーブン	Mr. Mackey? What the hell are you doing here?!
マッケイ先生	What the hell are you doing here?
スティーブン	I'll ask the questions, I've got the gun!
リンダ	[干し草の背後から姿を現して] We were just… having a look around…we weren't going to mess with the Russian pony. I-I promise.
スティーブン	Shut up, Linda!
マッケイ先生	Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, you know—your son has been having some problems on the playground at school.
スティーブン	What kind of problems?
マッケイ先生	Well, you know...bullies, and, uh, pressure for marihuana, you know, with—[スティーブンから銃を奪い] Don't fucking move!
ストッチ夫妻	[両手を上げて] Aaah!
マッケイ先生	Now, I want some Goddamn answers!
スティーブン	So, you want them to win, huh? You're a traitor!
マッケイ先生	I'm not the traitor!
スティーブン	Yeah, right…since when do you care about dressage?!
マッケイ先生	Since I found out the principal is a Russian spy.
リンダ	A what?!
マッケイ先生	There's something very big going on here, and I think it involves your son.
スティーブン	Mr. Mackey… we were just here to try and give that pony diarrhea by feeding it Erewhon.
リンダ	It's the truth! [Erewhonと書かれた紙袋を取り出す]
スティーブン	We're on your side.
マッケイ先生	[銃を下ろして] I think I understand what's going on now… The Communists are gonna use the pony show as justification… to fire the missiles.
	パーク郡乗馬施設。
実況者	Welcome, everyone, to the 10 and under pony dressage finals. We want to thank everyone for coming out today to support these little riders.
バターズ	This is it, Melancholy. We have to do this. We have to be classy. We're not gonna poop, we're not gonna get a boner, and we're certainly not gonna have unwarranted sex with the ladies. Please, boy… we have got to get this right.
	マッケイ先生の実家。
マッケイ先生	Hi, mom.
マッケイ母	Well, hi, junior! What a surprise, m'kay!
マッケイ先生	Mom, I need to use something in my old room.
マッケイ母	Well, sure, come on in!
	住宅2階にて。
マッケイ母	Everything is still just as you left it, son.
	80年代の音楽、マッケイが入室とともに流れる。室内には80年代を想起させる物であふれている。
マッケイ先生	Mom, I think World War 3 is about to start. I'm gonna do what I can to protect our country!
マッケイ母	Oh, uh, m'kay, honey, I'll make you a snack.
	マッケイ、"hello, Mr. Mackey"と表示された古いコンピュータをインターネットに接続して、モデムを初期化する。
	コロラドスプリングス、北アメリカ航空宇宙防衛司令部（NORAD）。 内部のディスプレイは非表示となり、代わりにマッケイが送信したメッセージ「ロシアの核攻撃に備えよ（"the Russians are nuking us."）」が表示される。
指揮官	What the hell was that?
男性職員1	Someone from the outside is logged into the missile defense system!
指揮官	Well, kick them out! Shut off the Wi-Fi!
男性職員2	It's not coming in on Wi-Fi! It's some old, archaic technology!
マッケイ先生	[発話しながらキーボードをたたき] X equals "The Russians are nuking us." Print X, goto 10. Run.
従業員	Wooah!
指揮官	What are they trying to do?!
男性職員1	It's just repeating the same line over and over. How did they get it to do that?!
男性職員3	Sir! The computers are taking us to DEFCON 3!
指揮官	[警告音が鳴り響き、馬術競技大会に出場するバターズが画面に映る] Jesus Christ… it's dressage.
	モスクワ、クレムリンにて。
男性役人1	Товарищ! Американцы взяли NORAD на DEFKON 3 Comrade!（司令官！　アメリカ人がNORADにハッキングを仕掛けたようです！　警戒レベル3です！）
セルゲイ・ショイグ	DEFCON 3?!
男性役人1	Мы должны показать это президенту Путину!（プーチン大統領に報告しなければなりません！）
セルゲイ・ショイグ	Президент Путин нездоров. В последнее время он выглядит грустно-ностальгичным.（最近のプーチン大統領は体調が優れない。恐らく郷愁にとらわれているんだ）[扉をたたき] Президент Путин!（プーチン大統領！）[再度扉をたたく]
	役人たちが室内に入ると、フランキー・ゴーズ・トゥ・ハリウッドの"Two Tribes"に合わせて踊るプーチン大統領が映る。
	When two tribes go to war A point is all that you can score (Score them all, score them all) When two tribes go to war a point is all that you can score (Working for the black gas)
	馬術競技場、"Two Tribes"がなおも背景に流れる。歓声のなか、バターズとメランコリー、最初の競技科目に挑む。続くデイヴィ、歓声はなく、スティーブンのみ怒りの表情を浮かべる。
	Cowboy number one A born-again poor man's son (Poor man's son) On the air America I modeled shirts by Van Heusen (Working for the black gas))
スティーブン	[バターズ、障害物を乗り越え損なう] Oooh, no! No!
	Yeah You know
	子供たちはかき氷を食べて騒ぎ、メランコリーは競技中に排便をする。マッケイ、コンピュータを操作して競技大会を中継放送する。クレムリン、役人とプーチン大統領が競技大会を鑑賞する。
	When two tribes go to war A point is all you can score (Storm them all, storm them all) When two tribes go to war A point is all you can score
	バターズ、デイヴィの動きにあせりを見せる。観客たちの間にも緊張が走る。
	Working for the black gas Switch off your shield Switch off and feel
マッケイ先生	We're running out of time! Take missiles to DEFCON 2!
マッケイ母	Here's your Sunny Delight and Steak-umms, honey.
マッケイ先生	Get out of my room, mom! Gawd! Get outta my rewm!
マッケイ母	Sweetheart…are you m'kay?
マッケイ先生	[困惑した表情で] 'Course I'm not m'kay! But you wouldn't understand, 'cause you're a grown-up!
マッケイ母	Honey…as your mother, I want you to know you can talk to me about whatever you want. Even if it's about being scared of gettin' old.
マッケイ先生	Things used to be so much simpler, mama. There was a good guy and a-and a bad guy. And we all… sort of came together and loved our country…not like it is now.
マッケイ母	[マッケイに近づき、腰掛けに座る] Ooh, junior. I know that gettin' old isn't so much fun, is it? We all wanna go back to a time when we were younger. You're getting to be around 55. Your pee-pee doesn't work so good, does it?
マッケイ先生	How'd you know about that, mom?
マッケイ母	Well, I'm your mom, honey. When a man gets to a point where his pee-pee doesn't work the way it used to, he starts to…well, sit in his room and play war games again, you know? But honey, those times weren't better. We were all scared. People died. That's not something to strive to get back to.
マッケイ先生	You're right, mama...I've been bad.
マッケイ母	Oh, you're not bad—
マッケイ先生	No, I'm bad—
マッケイ母	No, no, sweetheart. It-it just felt good 'cause it was familiar. That's just sort of what us old people do.
	パーク郡乗馬施設。
実況者	It all comes down to this. Number 8-2-3, Davey Solokov and his Russian Etruscan. If he completes this last rail, he will be the winner.
スティーブン	We're all dead, Linda.
実況者	Rider…please demonstrate your trot.
バターズ	It's ok, Melancholy…we did our best…[メランコリー、突如暴走する] Whoa! Where you goin', Melancholy?
実況者	And here is the rail. Wait a minute—we have another pony in the ring!
	メランコリーが場内に乱入してデイヴィの馬にまたがると、一同が息をのむ。
リンダ	What's he doing?
スティーブン	What's he doing?! He's fighting for democracy! Go, Butters!
観客	[一斉に] Butters! Butters!
バターズ	Melancholy! Bad!
デイヴィ・ソロコフ	Waagh! [落馬]
審判員	10! 9! 8!
スティーブン	He's got 'em!
審判員	3! 2! [バターズ、デイヴィを助け起こそうとするが審判員に阻まれる] 1! You're out!
	観客、歓声を上げてバターズに駆け寄り、胴上げをする。
バターズ	Waaaghhaaagh!
	バターズ、観客によってアメリカ合衆国国旗に包まれる。クレムリンのプーチン氏、側近たちと目を合わせる。
マッケイ先生	Let me—let me through! Let me through!
スティーブン	Mackey, we did it!
マッケイ先生	I know! It's amazing! [バターズを覆う国旗をつかみ、自身の肩に掛ける] This is all a dream come true! [マイクを持った人物に近づき] You know…the past few days, I've been re-living the past. But during this tournament, I started to change. And I just wanna say to the Russians—that if I can change, then yous can change! I know how it is when you're gettin' old, you know, and you're gettin' aggressive because your dick doesn't work the way it used to.
プーチン	Da… da…
マッケイ先生	But just because our dicks don't work doesn't mean we should go back to the way things were. In the immortal words of Sting—we all share the same biology. Regardless of ideology.
	観客の拍手と共に、ロシア連邦を嘲笑する歌詞に改変されたスティングの楽曲"Russians"が流れる。 I wonder if Russians Get diarrhea from Erewhon too
Back to the Cold War終了