未公開版パイロット・エピソード/台本

一般

トリビア

画像

台本

補足情報

視聴する

"The Spirit of Christmas/台本"

"未公開版パイロット・エピソード/台本"

"Cartman Gets an Anal Probe/台本"

キャスト

画像／名前
ファイル:6th Grader Leader proto.png 5年生のリーダー	アイク・ブロフロフスキー	ウェンディ・テスタバーガー
ヴェロニカ・クラブツリー	エリック・カートマン	カイル・ブロフロフスキー
ケニー・マコーミック	シェフ	車掌
ジェイソン・ホワイト	スタン・マーシュ	ハーバート・ギャリソン
ハット君	バーブラディ巡査	ビル・デンキンス
ピップ・ピリップ	マクシュワルツ看護師	リアン・カートマン

• 来訪者と牛の特別出演

台本

未公開版パイロット・エピソード
	At the bus stop
主役4人	School days, school days, teacher's golden ru--
カイル	Ah, dammit! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again.
アイク	Ee gko zeeponanner.
カイル	Ike, you can't come to school with me. [Ike chortles and skips over to Cartman]
カートマン	Yeah, go home, you little dildo.
カイル	Dude, don't call my brother a dildo!
スタン	What's a dildo?
カイル	Well, I don't know... and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either.
カートマン	I know what it means!
カイル	Well, what?
カートマン	I'm not telling you.
スタン	What's a dildo, Kenny?
ケニー	(It's a giant stick that goes inside the mom's vagina) [Laughter]
カートマン	Huh, yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right! [Kyle swings Ike by his feet, knocking Cartman down] Ow! [Ike laughs]
スタン	Dude! That kicks ass!
カイル	Yeah, check this one out. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
アイク	Don't kick the baby.
カイル	Kick the baby. [Kyle kicks Ike, and Ike mows down four mailboxes. Cartman yawns]
スタン	Whoa, Cartman! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
カートマン	Oh, dude. That's 'cause I was having these... bogus nightmares.
カイル	Really? What about?
カートマン	Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed... [the dream sequence begins] in the dark, when all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room. [through his window, one can see a spaceship land and its light stream in] Then slowly my bedroom door begin to open, [an alien peeks inside] and then the next thing I remember I was being drug through a hallway. ["Weeaak!"] Then I was lying on a table, [face down, and aliens lower his pajamas] and these scary hands wanted to operate on me. [back to reality] And they had big heads and big black eyes...
スタン	Dude! Visitors!
カイル	Totally!
カートマン	What?
スタン	That wasn't a dream, Cartman, those were visitors!
カートマン	No, it was just a dream, my mom said so.
スタン	Visitors are real.
カイル	Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows.
カートマン	Oh, shut up guys! You're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working.
シェフ	[drives up and gets out of the car] Hello there, children.
少年たち	Hey, Chef.
スタン	What's going to be for lunch today, Chef?
シェフ	Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley.
カートマン	Kick ass.
シェフ	Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night?
カートマン	[surprised] Huh??
カイル	Yeah, fat boy saw it!
カートマン	Eh, no, that, that was just a dream. And I'm not fat, I'm big boned!
シェフ	Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes?
カートマン	Oh!
スタン	They took him on their ship.
シェフ	Oh! Did they give you an anal probe?
カートマン	Oh!
カイル	What's an anal probe?
シェフ	That's when they put a big metal hooba-jube up yo' butt.
カイル	Whoa, they gave you an anal probe, Cartman?
カートマン	No! Uh-I mean, eh, why would they do that?
スタン	Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!
カートマン	No!
アイク	Eneh probe.
カートマン	Shut up, dildo!
シェフ	Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that fat boy now. He could be under alien control. [Chef walks back to his car, there is a picture of an alien with a quote "BELIEVE" on his shirt. Chef drives off.]
カートマン	[in shock] Oh!
カイル	We told you they were real, Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass.
カートマン	Goddammit, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream! [The bus pulls up and the boys board it]
カイル	Why are you walkin' so funny Cartman?
カートマン	Shut up!
アイク	[waddles by] On foo bo phenenuh bebe.
カイル	No, Ike, go home.
アイク	Eeeeee!
カイル	This is it, this ones for the game.
アイク	Purplor.
カイル	Kick the baby! [He kicks Ike, who flies through the first window of the school bus and crashes out through the other side.]
スタン	Good one!
	On the Bus
スタン	Good morning, Miss Crabtree.
クラブツリー	Sit down! We're runnin' late! [The bus starts to drive down the road, leaving Ike behind at the bus stop. Kyle is kneeling on the seat looking back at him.]
カイル	Dammit, he's still there.
スタン	Oh, don't worry about him.
カイル	No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me.
クラブツリー	Sit down back there!! Arrrgggghhh!!
カイル	Ike! Go home!
クラブツリー	I said sit dowwwwn!
スタン	Yeah, whatever ya fat bitch.
クラブツリー	What did you say?
スタン	I said I have a bad itch.
クラブツリー	Oh.
カイル	Huh! Oh my god! [two aliens are holding Ike]
スタン	[turning to see] Visitors!
ケニー	(Oh my God!)
カイル	Ike! [runs to the front of the bus] Stop the bus! Miss Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!
クラブツリー	Sit down, kid!
カイル	But I have to get off!
クラブツリー	Do you want an office referral?
カイル	No.
クラブツリー	Then sit down!
カイル	But I...
クラブツリー	Arrgghh!!
カイル	Argghh!
カイル、クラブツリー	Arrrrgggghhhh! [Kyle runs back to his seat. Ms. Crabtree has the last word]
スタン	Cartman, are those the same visitors you saw?
カートマン	Shut up, you guys. It's not working.
カイル	I'm in big trouble, you guys! We have to do something!
スタン	Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us.
クラブツリー	What did you say?!
スタン	Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
クラブツリー	Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do. [she makes a hard right, flinging kids onto the left side of the bus.]
カイル	What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Stan farts] You farted. [They laugh]
カートマン	Somebody's baking brownies. [Behind the bus, a space craft rises into the sky, then leaves the atmosphere quickly]
	Farmer's grazing fields with a mutilated cow
牧場主	This is the third cow this month. At this rate all of my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through. [The cows moo questioningly]
バーブラディ巡査	This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time. [The cows shake their heads]
牧場主	People been saying they've been seeing UFOs around.
バーブラディ	UFOs? [laughs]
牧場主	Yeah, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks, like there's some kind of government cover-up going on.
バーブラディ	That is the silliest thing I've ever heard. [Helicopters fly by above him]
牧場主	What was that?
バーブラディ	That-that was a pigeon.
牧場主	What am I supposed to do, Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one? [the cows notice something and raise their heads. One alien waves a piece of hay; another one whistles. The cows start running away from them] Hey! My cattle! ["Cattle Ranch" sign falls down.] Well, that's just great! You see? There is somethin' funny goin' on!
バーブラディ巡査	There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back.
	Mr. Garrison's class
ギャリソン先生	And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus.
ハット君	That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a, and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. Then Columbus joined forces with Chewbacca, and fought against Roy Orbison...
カイル	[whispering] Oh, man. I can't just sit here, I have to help my stupid brother, or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling, "Where's your brother, Kyle?" "You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?"...
スタン	[whispering] Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him.
カイル	[voice rising to an audible level] ..."You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!" "Brush and floss, Kyle!" "Where has that finger been, Kyle?"
スタン	Dude!
ギャリソン先生	Is there a problem, boys?
カイル	Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.
ギャリソン先生	Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?
カイル	No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens. [silence] It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe.
カートマン	Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh-heh.
カイル	[walks up to Mr. Garrison's desk] Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?
ギャリソン先生	I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
カイル	[angrily] I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
ギャリソン先生	Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
カイル	Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
ハット君	Well, Kyle... No!! No, no, no! I'm Mr. Hat and you're-you're a little turd! You hear me?!? You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
ギャリソン先生	Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle.
カイル	Dammit!
ギャリソン先生	Okay Mr. Hat, Why don't we talk to the children about Columbus' uterus? ...Mr. Hat? Oh great, now Mr. Hat's all pissed off!
カイル	Fuck Mr. Hat.
ハット君	No no, fuck you. [chilling piano music. The other children stare at Garrison in shock, with their mouths wide open. End of act one.]
	Train station. Cows flock in from all around and stand in line, waiting to board the train out of town
車掌	Hey, you cows can't get on this train! This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, all right? 'Cause you're cows. [The cows are all staring at the conductor] No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right? It's not gonna work.
バーブラディ巡査	[drives by with his lights flashing] Hold it right there, cows! [Cows split up and run off mooing] Come back here! Now then! [pursues them]
	Cafeteria
ユダヤ人の少年	So then I had...
ジェイソン	Ya, seriously, killer.
カートマン	[the camera stops and focuses] Oooh, I sure am hungry.
ピップ	'Ello gentlemen, any of you blokes know what's for lunch today? [Silence. Stan and Cartman stare back] Lunchy munchies, hmmm?
カートマン	Go away Pip, nobody likes you!
スタン	Yeah, what kind of name is Pip anyway?
ピップ	Well, my father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Phillip, my infant tongue--
カートマン	Goddammit, would you shut the hell up!?! Nobody gives a rat's ass!
スタン	Yeah, go away Pip.
ピップ	Right-o. [walks off]
カートマン	Dah, French people piss me off.
カイル	Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger.
スタン	[gasps] Where? [He finds himself looking right at her. Love music plays while hearts dance around Stan's head. Stan smiles, and it soon goes from ear to ear]
カートマン	[singing] Stan wants to kiss Wendy Testaburger
スタン	Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like her.
カートマン	I'm not fat. And you obviously like her because you throw up every time she talks to you.
スタン	I do not.
カイル	Guys! If I don't get Ike back from the visitors, my parents are gonna disown me. How can you even think of anything else? [the boys walk through a doorway to the cafeteria kitchen hall, where they meet Chef.]
シェフ	Hello there, children.
スタン	Hey, Chef.
シェフ	How are you doing?
カイル	Bad.
シェフ	Why bad?
カイル	Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?
シェフ	Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up. I'm gonna make love to ya woman Gonna lay you down by the fire And caress your womanly body Make ya moan and perspire Gonna...
スタン	Uh, Chef.
シェフ	...get those juices flowin'...
スタン	Chef!
シェフ	We're makin' love gravy--
スタン	Chef!
シェフ	-love gravy, lovelovelovelovelove GRAVIH!
スタン	Chef!!
シェフ	...love lo-- Huh? [Silence] Now, do you feel better?
カイル	No!
シェフ	Oh, come on children, what can be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day.
スタン	Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.
シェフ	What?!? [tosses a food tray aside and runs to the other side of the counter] What the hell do you think you're doin' in school eatin' Salisbury steak?! Go find him, dammit!
カイル（スタンの口も同時に動く）	Our teacher won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up.
カートマン	You are making it up!
シェフ	Uh—You, you can pretend you're sick. They'll send you home if you're sick.
カイル	Nurse McSchwartz won't send you home unless you have a fever!
シェフ	Uhuh-a fever. Uuuh... hold on now, hold on now. [wanders away, talking to himself] Uhyouyouyou've got tuh help the children.
カートマン	You guys sure are going a long way to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!
シェフ	[bringing some tamales] Okay. Okay. Just... each of you eat one of these. They're Chef's special extra-hot tamales. They'll raise your temperature long enough to get you all out of school.
スタン	Rad! Killer! Thanks, Chef. [they exit]
シェフ	Just be careful with those, now. They'll make you breathe fire!
	The playground. Background music is heard. The boys are watching Pip as he prepares to go down he slide
ピップ	Are you quite sure it's safe?
カートマン	Yeah, it's just a slide, Pip. Don't be such a wuss. [Pip slides down and hits one of the swing's supports. Kenny, on a swing, laughs]
ピップ	[blood oozing through his cap] Ohoho dear, I cracked me noggin'.
スタン	Heh-heh. Good one, dumb-ass.
カートマン	Yeah. [mocking] Why not give it another go, mate? Heh-heh.
ピップ	Ohoho. I must flee... to the nurse's office. [runs around a couple of times, then flees...]
カートマン	Goddamn, I hate that kid.
スタン	Okay. You eat your hot tamale first, Kyle.
カイル	No way, dude, you go first.
スタン	He's your brother!
カイル	Okay. Here goes...
カートマン	Hey Stan. Here comes Wendy Testaburger.
スタン	Huh, where?
ウェンディ	Hi, guys.
カイル、カートマン	Hi, Wendy.
ウェンディ	Here, Stan. This is for you. [hands Stan a note. Stan throws up.] Eww!
カイル、カートマン	Bye, Wendy.
カイル	Dude, what does the note say?
スタン	Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.
カイル	Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
カートマン	Or slip her the tongue.
ケニー	(or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her)
スタン	What? How do you know she has a cat? [Silence, Kenny waits to see if the other guys got the message, then laughs. The rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant]
カートマン	I get it.
年長の少年	[appears before the boys] What are you girrls doing? [suspenseful music comes up]
カートマン	Oh, sonofabitch, the fifth graders.
カイル	[nervously] Uhhhh, we're about to eat tamales.
年長の少年	Give 'em to me!
スタン	You don't want them. They're really hot.
年長の少年	Well, then I wanna see the fat kid eat 'em all.
カートマン	Huh?
年長の少年	Go on, fatty, eat 'em.
カートマン	I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!
年長の少年	Eat 'em all.
スタン	He doesn't have to.
年長の少年	Do it, or else we'll beat up your friends. [Stan and Kyle quickly hand their tamales to Cartman]
スタン	Wow, I guess you don't have a choice, fat boy.
カートマン	Ah dude, weak.
年長の少年	Go on, kid. [Cartman proceeds to munch away on all four, and the fifth graders laugh at him] Look at him! That's funny!
カイル	Why don't you guys pick on somebody else?
年長の少年	Why don't you make us, shrimp?
カートマン	You guys. I don't feel so good... [stomach growls]
年長の少年	Come on, guys, let's beat these little runts silly. [they close in on the boys. Cartman farts, and fire streams out of his ass]
カートマン	Ow, my ass! [the fifth graders are suddenly afraid]
カイル	Damn, Cartman.
年長の少年	Hey, wu-what's the matter with him?
カートマン	[farting fire] Oh 'scuse me. Oooww, my aaaaas-aw!
カイル	Dude, he's farting fire!
年長の少年	Let's get outta here! [the fifth graders stumble away]
スタン	Good job, Cartman!
カートマン	Huh. Eh. Yeah, that's right, I'm pretty tough, yeah! [farts fire again] Aaaahhh, Goddammit!
カイル	Hey, wait a minute. This is our lucky break.
	Nurse's Office
ピップ	[his hair thoroughly soaked with blood] ...And I hit me head... on the concrete.
マクシュワルツ看護師	Oh, it's not that bad. You just need a little antiseptic. [three dabs, and a plaster]
カイル	Nurse McSchwartz, our friend is really sick. We have to take him home.
マクシュワルツ	Well, why don't ya get up on the table. Well, I'll take his temperature and see if he has a fever. [As she nears the thermometer to Cartman's mouth, he imagines her as an alien in nurse's wig and attire, then flashes back to the operation the aliens performed on him the night before]
ピップ	Oh, bother. I do hate to see another child in pain.
スタン	Shut up, Pip.
マクシュワルツ	Young man, [Cartman gets up on the table] we do not say "shut up" [he bumps Pip off] in school. [he gives a long sigh of relief. The nurse turns to him] Are you sure you're not faking? You know your friends Stan and Kyle pretend to be sick a lot.
スタン	Hey! This time it's different. Our friend is really sick.
カートマン	Oh! [bites the thermometer's tip off and the nurse's finger]
マクシュワルツ	Ouch! That's it! You boys get back to class and stop wasting my time, or I'm gonna write an office referral.
カートマン	[farts a rolling ball of fire] Ow, my ass!
マクシュワルツ	[now horrified] Oh my God!
カートマン	Excuse me.
スタン、カイル、ケニー	We told you!
マクシュワルツ	Well, what the hell is wrong with you?
スタン	Oh, nothing. He's just shooting balls of fire out his ass.
カイル	So, can we get out of school and take him home now? [Cartman farts fire again]
マクシュワルツ	Yes. Yes. Just get him the hell away from me! [the boys leave]
ピップ	Oh, dear. I do hope he'll be okay.
マクシュワルツ	Shut up, Pip.
ピップ	Right-o.
	Downtown
少年たち	We got out of school No more school today We got out of school...
カートマン	[interrupting the song with a fiery fart] Oh!! You guys, my ass, seriously..!
スタン	Okay, Cartman, we got out of school, you can stop farting fire now.
カートマン	I would if I could, you son of a bitch!
カイル	Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?
カートマン	Uh—Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream, I know I didn't have an anal probe, and I know that I'm not under alien control! [a radio wave strikes Cartman and he gets big blushy cheeks and starts to sing like Al Jolson.] I love to sing-a About the moon-a and June-a and the spring-a I love to sing-a About a sky of blue-a or a tea or a two-a... [A second radio wave reverts him to normal and all is quiet. Dogs bark in the background]
スタン	What the hell was that?
カイル	He is under alien control. Cartman is linked up to the visitors!
カートマン	Ah, son of a bitch! [jarring piano chord for a moment]
	Start of act three.
カートマン	You guys, shut up, I'm not under alien control.
カイル	[Into Cartman's ear. His voice echoes] Hey!
カートマン	Uh...
カイル	If you visitors can hear me...
カートマン	Hey...
カイル	...bring me back my little brother, goddammit!
カートマン	Ow! That hurts, you buttlicker!
スタン	[notices spaceship hovering overhead] Kyle, look! It's them.
カイル	Give me back my brother! [He throws a rock at the spaceship. Spaceship fires back with a flash of light, hitting Kenny and knocking him into the road]
ケニー	(Ohhh nooo! Aagghh!)
スタン	Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
カイル	You bastards! Come back here! Come back! [the spaceship leaves] Dammit, we were so close!
スタン	Hey look, [Kenny gets up] I think Kenny's okay.
ケニー	(Don't worry, I'm alright. Agghh!) [fleeing cows run over Kenny. After a moment he gets up] (Nope, I'm fine. Agh!) [Officer Barbrady mows him down. Kenny ends up along the curb, lifeless. The boys approach]
スタン	Wow, poor Kenny.
カイル	Now do you believe us, Cartman?
カートマン	No!
スタン	Didn't you see the UFO?
カートマン	No!
カイル	Cartman, they killed Kenny!
カートマン	He's not dead.
スタン	Dude, Kenny is dead! [picks up a stick and hits Kenny's bloody body] See?
カートマン	Shut up, you guys.
カイル	He's dead, Cartman. [pulls Kenny's head off]
カートマン	Goddammit, I didn't have an anal probe! Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.
カイル	Go on and go home, you fat chicken!
カートマン	Dildo!
カイル	You're all I have left, Stan.
スタン	Sorry, dude, I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger.
カイル	You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared... up there all alone. You gotta help me dude! [Rats feast upon Kenny's body.]
スタン	Dude, like Chef says, "I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot".
カイル	Thanks a lot, dildo! [rats roll Kenny's head away] Rats.
	Cartman's house
リアン・カートマン	Hello, Eric.
カートマン	Hi, Mom.
リアン・カートマン	How are you doing?
カートマン	Well, I'm pissed off!
リアン・カートマン	Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise.
カートマン	I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise! All the kids at school call me fat.
リアン・カートマン	You're not fat, you're big-boned.
カートマン	That's what I said.
リアン・カートマン	You can have an insy weensy bit, can't you?
カートマン	No!
リアン・カートマン	Just a weensy insy woo woo?
カートマン	No! Leave me alone, Mom!
リアン・カートマン	Okay. How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie, then?
カートマン	What? Well, that does sound pretty good. [he sits on the sofa while his mom goes off to get the pie] Uh, Mom?
リアン・カートマン	Yes, hon?
カートマン	If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay?
リアン・カートマン	Sure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofs, too?
カートマン	Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs.
	Stark's Pond
カイル	Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the visitors now.
スタン	But her note said she'd be here.
ウェンディ	Hi, Stan. [Stan throws up.] Eww!
カイル	You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.
ウェンディ	But why Stan? [Stan tries to hold it in, but then pukes] Eww!
カイル	Look, can you guys just get down to business so I can go find my little brother?
ウェンディ	Huh?
カイル	Just make sweet love down by the fire.
ウェンディ	What happened to your little brother?
	Cartman's house
ミスター・キティ	Meow.
カートマン	[notices Mr. Kitty eyeing his pot pie] No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie.
ミスター・キティ	Meow.
カートマン	No Kitty, that's a bad Kitt--!
ミスター・キティ	Meow.
カートマン	No Kitty, it's mah pot pie! [Kitty hisses] Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!
リアン・カートマン	Well, then I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with mommy tonight.
カートマン	What?
	Stark's Pond
カイル	... And now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed.
ウェンディ	Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?
カイル	Why?
ウェンディ	Well, it's obvious that the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, and it's linked to the visitors somehow. You need to use him as bait to get 'em back.
カイル	Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman.
ウェンディ	Come on, Stan. [Stan pukes again] Eww! [walks away]
スタン	Hey, wait, when do I get to make sweet love? [A bird flies into his puke and starts waddling around in it]
	Cartman's house
ミスター・キティ	Meow.
カートマン	No, Kitty, you can't have any!
ミスター・キティ	Meow.
カートマン	No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie. Bad Kitt--! [Cartman farts fire, setting the cat ablaze] Eh, 'scuse me, Kitty.
リアン・カートマン	[enters the room with Kyle, Stan and Wendy] Eric, look who's here.
カートマン	Dude, weak, Mom!
カイル	Come on Eric, we're going to go play at the bus stop.
カートマン	I can't, my Mom said...
リアン・カートマン	That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends.
カートマン	[whining] But Mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends.
リアン・カートマン	Don't be difficult, Eric! Now you go out and play in the fun snow.
カートマン	Oh, goddammit! [Mr. Kitty then runs by in flames]
	Forest at night. Cartman's right foot is tied to a tree
カートマン	You guys, I have to get home.
スタン	Don't be such a 'fraidy cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again.
カートマン	[kicks his foot to try to get loose] Oh, man, this sucks.
カイル	How come the visitors aren't coming for him?
スタン	I think we have to signal them somehow.
カートマン	[farts fire] Ow!
ウェンディ	Hey, he's like Rudolph.
カイル	Yeah! All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the visitors are sure to come!
カートマン	Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.
カイル	Sure you do!
スタン	Come on Cartman, fart!
カートマン	I don't wanna.
スタン	He can't hold it in forever.
カイル	Fart, damn you!
カートマン	Come on, you guys, it's supper time! I bet my mom is worried sick.
	Cartman's house. Mom is serving dinner. This is the only time Cartman's father and sister are seen, since they have been removed from the official pilot and subsequent episodes
リアン・カートマン	[hums as she brings a salad bowl over. She gasps] Wait a minute. Something's missing. Oh yeah, the gravy. [She backs away and a burnt Mr. Kitty hops onto the table]
	Forest.
カートマン	Untie me!
スタン	Well, looks like they're not gonna come, Kyle. [two beams of light sweep across the woods. The chilling music resumes.] What is that?!
カートマン	Ah, son of a bitch! [end of act three.]
	Chef drives up with music blaring from his radio. The two beams of light were just his headlights
カイル	Aw, it's just Chef in his town and country.
シェフ	What's goin' on, children?
スタン	We're trying to lure the visitors back, but it's not working.
カイル	I'll never see my little brother again! Waagghh!!!
シェフ	There there, Kyle. Can I offer you some advice?
カイル	[sniffles] Sure.
シェフ	I'm gonna make love to ya woman Gonna lay you down by the fire...
スタン	Chef!!
シェフ	Huh?
スタン	We need help signaling the aliens.
シェフ	Oh, right. Ey! Alien visitor-people! Down here! [Cartman hisses] Come on now! Nice juicy fat kid!
カートマン	Goddammit, I'm not fat!
スタン	Come on, visitors. You can give him another anal probe.
カートマン	Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! I'm sick of it! [a mother ship rises up behind him] It's completely immature. [realizes the ship is there] Oh, Goddammit!
シェフ	I'm gettin' the hell outta here! [splits. Stan, Kyle, and Wendy are in awe of the ship]
カートマン	Hey! [Chef drives off. A tractor beam is locked on Cartman] Whaaa..?!
ギャリソン先生	[driving by, he stops] What the--? I tell you, there are some crazy stuff going on in this town.
ハット君	You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
スタン（カイルの口も同時に動く	Come down here, you stinking aliens! [Four aliens appear]
カイル	Uh, uh...
スタン	Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back.
カイル	Vi- Visitors, this morning you took my little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... is a pretty special thing.
スタン	Yeah.
カイル	Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.
スタン	That was beautiful, dude.
カイル	Did it work?
スタン	No, they're leaving.
カイル	Hey, you scrawny-eyed shithead, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!
スタン	Whoa, dude!
カイル	You know what you assholes like, you like to fuck and shit and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck!
スタン	Hey Wendy, what's a fuck? [she shrugs]
アイク	[The spaceship door opens] Help me doy tair.
カイル	Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!
アイク	Don't harm me.
カイル	I promise I'll be nice to you, Ike! I won't even kick the baby!
アイク	It's my turn! [dives into the snow. Suddenly, back at the tree, the spaceship pulls Cartman up, but the rope keeps him grounded.]
カートマン	You guys, get me down from here! [farts fire, burns the rope. The tractor beam takes him into the ship and the spaceship flies away.] Ow! Help! Sons o'bitches! Dildos!
スタン	Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with.
カイル	Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike.
アイク	Oh, he fly out of the sky.
カイル	Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner.
スタン	Thanks for your help, Wendy.
ウェンディ	Whatever, dude.
スタン	Hey, I didn't throw up.
ウェンディ	Cool! [She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and that music plays again. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy]
スタン	Bleech! [right on her face]
ウェンディ	Eww!
スタン	Sorry.
ウェンディ	Hey, look. A French fry.
スタン	Cool.
ウェンディ	And what is that?
スタン	I think it's part of a Cheesy Poof. [Chef's song starts up and the camera pulls away.]
ウェンディ	Hey, what's that?
スタン	That's... a hamburger from... that's from, like, two days ago.
ウェンディ	Hey, what about that?
スタン	I don't know what the hell that is...
	Bus Stop, next day
スタン	Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around.
カイル	Yeah, we're running out of friends.
ケニー	(Hi guys, what's goin' on?)
スタン	Oh. Hey Kenny.
カイル	Heyy-you're looking pretty good, Kenny.
ケニー	(Thanks!)
バーブラディ	[passing by] I just want you boys to know that absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happened here in South Park last night.
カイル	We know about the visitors, Officer Barbrady. You don't have to cover them up to us.
バーブラディ	Visitors? Huhuhuh. That's a hoot! Say, you guys haven't seen a herd of cattle around here, have you?
スタン	No. Did you ask those people over there? [four aliens are seen in a field of cattle carcasses. Three of them are wearing hats, and the fourth is wearing a chef's hat, flipping a burger on the barbecue grill. The one on the far right is holding a drink]
バーブラディ	Yeah, they didn't know anything. Take care, boys. Okay, bye. [drives away]
アイク	[skipping into view] Umpresestere.
カイル	Dude! Ike, you can't come to school with me! [Ike hops to Kenny] I'm not going through all that again.
スタン	He seems to be his normal self.
カイル	Yeah. You know, I still can't believe how upset I was when I thought he would be gone for good. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
アイク	Don't kick the baby.
カイル	Kick the baby. [Kyle punts Ike across the road, but this time Ike ends up crashing through a window]
リアン・カートマン	What the? Ungh—Now, who would kick a baby through my window?
カートマン	[falls out of the sky and lands next to Kyle and Stan.] Puh..!
スタン	Oh, hey Cartman.
カイル	Wow Cartman, the visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school.
カートマン	Ahh-feel like-uh so weak, eh.
スタン	What a grand adventure this has been.
ピップ	God bless us, every one. [grins]
カートマン	Goddamn. As soon as I can walk again, I'm gonna kick that kid's ass..! [Pip is still grinning]
未公開版パイロット・エピソード終了