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"Homeward Bound/Script" | "The Bowels of the Beast/Script" | "CLASSIfied/Script" | 
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Cast
- The Coon
- Captain Diabetes
- Human Kite
- Mosquito
- Fastpass
- Randy Marsh
- DJ Hippo
- Classi
- Spontaneous Bootay
- Brad and Roger
- Prostituées
- Blaze
- Morgan Freeman
- Buca De Faggoncini Chef
- Chefs
- Peppermint Hippo bouncer
- Mafia italienne
- Liane Cartman
- Bill Keegan
- Midget Wearing a Bikini
- Harrison Yates
- Tommy Turner
- Servietsky
Note: Respective script dialogues for Towelie are only triggered when the player has the in-game assistant enabled.
Script
| The Bowels of the Beast | |
| South Park, night. The town begins its nightlife. | |
| Night time. That's when the creeps come out. But unfortunately for the creeps the other thing that comes out at night, is a Coon. | |
| The New Kid wakes up, changes to the superhero costume. After undoing several locks on the door, the New Kid leaves the house. Just on their doorstep, they find Captain Diabetes waiting | |
| Aha! Fear not! For it is I, Captain Diabetes! [next shows a poster of the superhero] Yes! A mild-mannered gentleman with the power of diabetes at his control! I used to be a simple elementary school student, but then one day, a freak science accident turned my diabetes into superhuman strength! All right, sidekick, we're supposed to go investigate a girl who might know the location of the missing cat. Follow me! | |
| End of cutscene. The New Kid follows Captain Diabetes | |
| Ready? Let's go, sidekick! Kyle's is this way! | |
| The two approaches Stan's house, and there, they find a drunk Randy with a beer bottle on his hand, scratching his own car with some keys and talking to himself | |
| Fuckin' b****! Let's see how you like this! | |
| I am Captain Diabetes and this is my faithful sidekick! | |
| Oh ok, well, move outta the way, huh? I need to go buy some more beer. | |
| I'm sorry but Captain Diabetes cannot let you drive! | |
| I'm fine to drive, ok? Get outta here! | |
| Captain Diabetes snatches the car keys from Randy | |
| Hey, gimme my keys! | |
| You are in no condition, sir! | |
| I'm fine, ok?! Look, wait... look, look, I'm fine, ok? Gimme my keys please. | |
| I'll return them tomorrow. | |
| GIMME MY FUCKING KEYS, YOU LITTLE SHIT! | |
| Combat begins | |
| You think you can dance with this? Let's go! | |
| Attack! | |
| Take care, sidekick. Even debilitated, this is a dangerous foe! | |
| I'm not "de-bil-erated"! I'm just jovial! | |
| If the player stalls for a while | |
| We must save this citizen, from himself! | |
| When Randy is attacked | |
| Hey! I almost spilled my drink! | |
| Why you gotta disrespect, bro? | |
| Fuck! | |
| I can take it. | |
| Oh god, I'm pooped. | |
| Oh-oh. So it's like that. | |
| Oh sure, mess with the sober guy. | |
| You son of a b****! | |
| Well, fuck you too! | |
| Damn, I feel so tired all of a sudden. | |
| That's gonna hurt when I can feel pain again. | |
| I thought this was America! Isn't this America?! | |
| You really need to sign up for AA, Mr. Marsh. | |
| I'm keeping your keys, and that's final! | |
| During Captain Diabetes' turn | |
| Watch and learn, sidekick! | |
| Stand back, sidekick. I'll take care of this! | |
| You're no match for Captain Diabetes and his sidekick! | |
| During Randy's turn | |
| All right, you're gonna get it now! | |
| Ok, I don't usually beat up kids, but, I'm kinda getting into it. | |
| Hey, you kids want me to pick you up some candy from the store? Just gimme my keys. | |
| No thank you, I have diabetes. | |
| Hey, I think I dropped my keys. Anyone seem 'em? | |
| I have confiscated them, sir. | |
| Gimme my goddamn keys! | |
| I'm afraid that's impossible. | |
| We could all go to the store together. You... you drive! | |
| I will not break the law, sir. | |
| Wait, why are we fighting again? | |
| I have made a citizen's arrest of your keys. | |
| I need my goddamn keys to get beer, motherfuckers! | |
| This is precisely the problem, sir! | |
| After Randy has made his move | |
| Ok there. I wasn't good to drive... before, but now I am. Thanks for, thanks for having my back, now let me have my key. | |
| I'm sorry, but I stand by my previous assessment of your fitness to operate machinery. | |
| I'm fine to drive! I'm fi- ok, ok... ok. Now I'm fine. | |
| You should be fine to drive at approximately 11am tomorrow. | |
| It's 11am somewhere. | |
| After Randy has executed the Beer Smash ability | |
| Whoa, whoa, whoa, how'd I end up over here? | |
| I can't believe I did that without falling. | |
| If Randy suffers Burning status | |
| Oh shit, I'm still burning? | |
| Wait, wait, how long have I been on fire? Jesus! | |
| If Randy suffers Shocked status | |
| Ahh! I'm still fucking all staticky! | |
| Once Randy is defeated | |
| I'll get those keys right after this short little nap. | |
| Good night, Mr. Marsh! | |
| The New Kid and Captain Diabetes continue their journey to Kyle's house | |
| All right, sidekick, we have a job to do! | |
| As they approach the house | |
| Go on in. There's a shortcut through Human Kite's base. | |
| They enter the house, making their way to the attic | |
| Kyle is off on another mission right now. We're on our own, sidekick. It's up to us to get to the bottom of this! | |
| At the top floor, the New Kid brings down a ladder which leads to the attic | |
| Nice one, sidekick. | |
| They both reach the attic | |
| This is Human Kite's secret base! Farts make me angry. The Coon says it's because my mom farted when she gave birth to me, and that's why I have diabetes. I don't think that's why I had diabetes though. I think it was a gift. To help fight crime. | |
| When New Kid clears the path that leads them to the rest of the base | |
| The shortcut is through that window! I don't have my own secret base, but if I did, at least I'd clean it before I knew I had super-guests coming over. | |
| When the New Kid starts moving a ladder, allowing them to access the top platform | |
| He couldn't even set up the ladder for us. Jeez. | |
| The New Kid made their way to the top | |
| Well done, sidekick! This shortcut will take us right into the heart of downtown South Park. Come on, sidekick. Do not be afraid. | |
| Both superheroes grabs a zipline and slides down | |
| The fearless hero and his sidekick descend into the dark night, ready to strike down evil and bring peace to the city. [turns to the New Kid] You don't think people get diabetes 'cos their moms farted during childbirth, do you? I feel like Coon made that up to make Captain Diabetes feel insecure about himself. | |
| They finally landed on ground, just outside the South Park Bank | |
| As you can see, sidekick, at nighttime South Park is quite a different place. We've got to get into the Peppermint Hippo. To the town square! | |
| As they reach the town square, they are obstructed by a porta potty, with a long line waiting to use the potty | |
| If only there was a way to disperse these citizens blocking the road. My diabetic rage will do just the trick! [drinks a carton of apple juice] Oh my god, here it comes... That's so much sugar... | |
| Captain Diabetes goes into a rage, and flips the potty over. The potty is now leaking brown stuff. As for Captain Diabetes, he is now exhausted | |
| Oh god, it's too much... need insulin... need insulin fast... [takes a jab of insulin] Ugh... and I am back to normal! You see how masterfully I have learned to control my diabetes! Follow me this way! | |
| The two superheroes continue their path to the Peppermint Hippo | |
| Here it is. Here's where we're going to find the girl. There are sure to be unsavory characters and lots of boobies inside. Come on, let's go inside. | |
| They enter the strip bar from the main entrance, and finds a bouncer inside | |
| Hey, beat it, kids. Twenty-one and over only. | |
| Stand aside, citizen! It is I, Captain Diabetes! I must speak with the ladies inside! | |
| Get out of here before I fucking throw you out. | |
| Hmm, what to do? | |
| If the New Kid stalls inside | |
| Hey, will you kids get out already? | |
| If the New Kid attempts to speak to the bouncer | |
| If you're gonna talk, take it the fuck outside. | |
| I told you to get outta here. | |
| Hey, there's fucking sweet hot tits back there and you're too young to see 'em, so fuck off! | |
| No one under 21 can see those hot fucking tits, all right? Get out! | |
| Look, everyone knows it's physically impossible to get past a red velvet rope, so just go away. | |
| All right, you fucking asked for it! | |
| Oh god! Oh god! Oh god! | |
| They leave the entrance, and make their way to the right side of the bar. | |
| We can't force our way in, sidekick. It seems we'll have to use our brains instead of our brawn. | |
| Look at this, sidekick, a way in! All we need is a path up there! | |
| The New Kid uses a Snap N Pops on the window just above a trash bin, knocking it down | |
| Great detective work, sidekick! Now we just need a way up there! | |
| Captain Diabetes takes his place next to a phone booth. The New Kid speaks to him | |
| Oh, of course! Stand aside, sidekick! | |
| With another sip of apple juice, Captain Diabetes goes into another diabetic rage, flipping the phone booth onto the trash bin and creating a path. As always, Captain Diabetes recovers with some insulin. | |
| After... after you. | |
| The New Kid goes through the window, and ends up in the male toilet | |
| We made it! Our girl must be this way! | |
| They both leave the toilet, and find themselves in the bar at last | |
| Ok, we made it inside the strip club. [Looks around] Wow, there ladies are really, uh... moving. Well, don't freak out, sidekick. We're superheroes. We can handle this. One of these ladies has information about the missing cat. But who? There's only one thing we can do. We have to pick someone and take them to the VIP room. Find someone and meet me there. | |
| The New Kid attempts to go around the bar looking for the right person, but to no avail | |
| Hey, sidekick. No luck, huh? That's ok, I found a couple of guys. Remember to just play along! | |
| Hey, you two girls ready to party? | |
| So, this is your friend, huh? She's fucking hot as fuck. | |
| That's right. Wouldn't you like to take her to VIP? | |
| I dunno, she's kinda short... | |
| I like 'em short. You take the one with the speech impediment. | |
| Come on, let's get some dances. | |
| I was thinking we could just go in there and talk for a little while. | |
| Yeah, first we get dances then we talk. | |
| Oh, ok. | |
| VIP room. Captain Diabetes is shown lap dancing on Roger, with the New Kid and Brad sitting on the other side of the couch | |
| So, have you gentlemen ever had dances from a girl with a penis tattoo? | |
| Hey, we didn't come back here to talk, baby. | |
| Yeah. No talking until you finish grinding on our chubs. | |
| Oh, all right! Ok, sidekick, you know what this means... | |
| It means a Lap Dance Mini-game. The New Kid takes their position on Brad's right thigh. | |
| Don't forget to bring a towel! | |
| As the New Kid dances, they let out farts very frequently | |
| Aw no! | |
| Aw fuck! | |
| Come on! | |
| Uhh, rank! | |
| Look. I'm not going to pay for this. | |
| Jesus, babe, you're stinkin' up the VIP room. | |
| Aw, come on, you're killing my buzz here. | |
| After the player passes the first stage | |
| What kind of move was that? | |
| After the player passes the second stage | |
| Ah, I'm gonna throw up! | |
| After the player passes the third stage | |
| What the fuck? | |
| Finally, the New Kid twerks right at Brad's face, and lets out one last fart | |
| Aw, no, stop! Let's just talk! Let's just talk! | |
| LAP DANCE COMPLETE | |
| Ok, chat time. | |
| Chat time? Aww man! | |
| So, what kind of work do you guys do? And have you ever danced with a girl here who has a penis tattoo? | |
| Why do you keep talking about a stripper with a penis tattoo? | |
| Yeah, yeah, Classi, that's her name! | |
| Her name is Classi? | |
| Yeah, Classi with an I, and a little dick that hangs off the C which fucks the L out of the A-S-S. | |
| Of course! Hence the tattoo! We have the name, New Kid! Come on! | |
| What are you talking about? This is the worst VIP experience ever! | |
| Yeah, all I did was get farted on! You ain't goin' nowhere! | |
| Aha! I am no ordinary stripper, I am... Captain Diabetes! | |
| What? | |
| My sidekick and I simply used our powers of disguise to extract information from you! | |
| You won't get away with this, Captain Diabetes! | |
| Combat begins. Captain Diabetes and the New Kid vs. the VIP Johns | |
| Aw shit, my boner is weighing me down. | |
| Yeah, all I did was get farted on! | |
| If the player stalls for a while | |
| If you strippers want equal pay, you gotta give equal chub. | |
| When Roger is attacked | |
| That's the last time I pay for a high-priced 20-dollar stripper. | |
| Let's hear you complain about your lap-dance now! | |
| When Brad is attacked | |
| I'm gonna call the Better Business Bureau and tell them you only gave me half a chub. | |
| Oh shit, I think I sprained my dick. | |
| During Captain Diabetes' turn | |
| Let's expedite this combat sidekick. Classi can't wait! | |
| You got your dance, you smelly old men. No refunds! | |
| During Roger's turn | |
| I wanna go to one of those communist countries that give out government-subsidized chubs. | |
| I got a chub in Thailand from a girl who had her own chub. | |
| You can get a chub for five bucks in Thailand. | |
| Before the economy collapsed you could get a chub and a pitcher a beer for $2.99. | |
| During Brad's turn | |
| I know a strip club that only has one dollar symbol on Yelp. | |
| Nobody farts on my balls and walks away from me! | |
| You ladies do bachelor parties in your free time? | |
| I got a Groupon that'll get me and four friends 30 percent off chubs if we show up before 7. | |
| I know a girl in Cambodia that'll give you chub and teach you how to kick box for the price of one. | |
| When either superhero is attacked | |
| Now I'm getting my money's worth! | |
| Ooo, that must've hurt. Surrender, super-twerkers! | |
| No more lap dances for you! | |
| Hey! Didn't your parents teach you not to hit strippers? | |
| Completely uncalled for! You have no honor! | |
| During the battle, Blaze would peek in from the VIP room curtain | |
| Daaaance? Anyone like a daaaance? | |
| If the New Kid is defeated with Captain Diabetes still surviving | |
| Oh no! Sidekick! I should have never made you do a lap dance! | |
| When one of the men has been defeated | |
| Give up, stinky man. It's two against one now! | |
| Hah! These guys are no match for us! | |
| We got these guys! | |
| Once both the drunk men have been defeated | |
| See the manager if you have any complaints about your lap-dance experience at the Peppermint Hippo, gentlemen. Adieu. | |
| End of combat | |
| Great work, New Kid! Now let's get back to the main floor! | |
| They leave the VIP room, back into the main room | |
| Allll right, guys, hope you're havin' a good night out there. Be sure to tip your waitresses and maybe buy a drink for the DJ. Next up on the main stage we've got a little bit of hot sauce comin' up your way. Let's give it up for Esmeraldaaaa... | |
| That's it! The DJ calls the b******' names, and then the b****** come out of that back room. New Kid, we need to find a way to distract the DJ. I got it, gin and tonic always make my mom pass out. If we can make one and spike it with something really strong, he'll be out for sure. Go make that drink, sidekick! | |
| The New Kid retrieves the ingredients and crafts the concoction. | |
| Hm, I wonder if it needs one more thing. | |
| The player leaves the Crafting app. By this time, the New Kid had placed the drink on the floor | |
| Hm, do you think it's grodd enough to knock the DJ out of commission? | |
| The New Kid lets out one fart on the drink | |
| Oh god... oh god... FARTS! [breathes heavily for a while] I'm sorry you had to see that, sidekick, but nothing in this world makes me more angry than farts. It awakens the deep-seated rage that I harbor within me. I wish it didn't have to be farts, but that'll definitely take the DJ out long enough for us to call out Classi. | |
| The New Kid picks up the drink. They make their way to the DJ station and passes the drink to the DJ | |
| All right, someone finally bought the DJ a drink! That's really nice of you... [takes a sip on the drink] That went down really good. The DJ sure does appreciate it... uuugh... [his stomach starts growling and clutches his stomach] oh, oh man, I think someone farted on my drink, guys. I'll be right back. Be sure to tip your waitress. [hurries off to the bathroom] | |
| Great work, New Kid! Wow! [takes over the station] All right guys, put your hands together. Be sure to tip your waitress. Things are about to get a little bit hot on the main stage. Please welcome... Classi! | |
| There's no one coming out from the back stage | |
| Uhh, that's right, guys, let's get her on out here. That's Classi with an I and a little dick that fucks the L out of the A-S-S. Give it up for, Classi! | |
| Dead silent in the bar. Just then, Classi pops out and turns to the DJ station | |
| Ay, what you callin' me out for? I ain't on stage yet. Wait a minute, you ain't the DJ. | |
| That must be her, New Kid. | |
| Aw shit, it's 5-0! Cops are here! [runs back into the main stage] | |
| After her! | |
| Captain Diabetes and the New Kid find themselves in the female changing room. Several strippers stand between them and Classi | |
| They after me, ladies! Stop 'em! | |
| Nobody's allowed back here! | |
| Yeah, get lost! | |
| Stand aside, ladies! Captain Diabetes and his sidekick need to question that stripper! | |
| You wanna get to her, you're gonna have to go through us! | |
| Bring it on! | |
| Combat begins: Chase Classi! | |
| All right guys, this is your DJ back from the bathroom. Looks like we've got a special treat for you tonight. The two assholes that farted in my drink are about to get fucked in the face by our very own lovely ladies! | |
| Stand down, ladies! We're here for Classi! | |
| As the superheroes defeat the strippers one by one, a new one joins in as replacement, with the DJ Hippo calling them out as what he would do in the main stage | |
| Here comes our favorite flower of fellatio, give it up for Fuchsia! | |
| She comes to us straight from Copacabana... you know who I mean. A big hand for our luscious Lola! | |
| Give it up for Paris! Ooh-la-la, need I say more, guys? | |
| Did it just get a lot spicier in here? Oh, that's why, it's Esmeralda! | |
| And subbing in from the day shift, give it up for Blaze! Hey, can we turn the house lights down just a touch? | |
| She can smash a watermelon between her thighs. It's Anastasia! | |
| Ok guys, better look out for this girl 'cause she'll stick you right up her butt. It's Rhonda! | |
| You just wanna get to the far end of the room as fast as your little legs can take you there. Hope you have some fast attacks. | |
| If either superheroes tries to attack Classi | |
| Oh, I ain't gettin' involved in this combat shit! [runs further into the room] | |
| Once either superheroes reaches far enough at the other side of the room | |
| Oh, you little bastards done fucked up. Go get 'em, Bootay! | |
| Look out ladies and gents! Here comes the queen of quiffies, the mistress of BDSM, your dominatrix come true, it's Spontaneous Bootay! | |
| The wall at the left side of the room comes crashing down, revealing a huge-sized stripper. | |
| Hey honey. You ain't ready for this bootay. Imma crush you in my booty cheeks. | |
| With one leap, Spontaneous Bootay drops onto the floor, sending shockwaves across the room and destroying anything adjacent of her. | |
| Oh my god! She'll crush us alive with her massive butt! | |
| Oh shit! Spontaneous Bootay will fuck you up, kids! You better run like hell! | |
| Let bootay give you a hug. | |
| Imma sit on you till your eyes pop out of your head, honey. | |
| I'm coming! | |
| It's Bootay time! | |
| Ready or not, I'm comin'. | |
| Get over here, sugar! | |
| Let me sit on your face real quick! | |
| I hear there's some minors need crushin'. | |
| I'm gonna break every bone in your body with my booty, baby. | |
| You get 'em, Bootay! | |
| Once either superhero makes it to the exit | |
| Uh uh, you'll never take me alive! [leaves through the door] | |
| We can't let her get away, sidekick! | |
| End of combat. Classi now runs to the adjacent building and knocks on the door several times hard | |
| Ay! Let me in, you asshole. The cops are here! | |
| What? Get inside. | |
| Classi enters the building. At the same time, Captain Diabetes and the New Kid leaves the strip club, and approaches the mafia, who now has a gun on hand | |
| Go on, scram! I ain't afraid to use this thing. | |
| As the mafia fires a warning shot, it brought down a neon sign above him. The sign crushes him dead. | |
| Come on, New Kid! Into that restaurant! We just gotta lift that sign! | |
| The New Kid speaks to Captain Diabetes | |
| Stand aside, sidekick. It is time for diabetic raaaage! | |
| Captain Diabetes downs another carton of apple juice, and goes into diabetic rage once again. Unfortunately for him, he could not lift the sign this time. | |
| Even my diabetic rage can't move this sign. [breathes heavily] Oh god, it's too much... Uh, I need my insulin... my... I need my... [shocks to find that he's run out of insulin] Oh no. Oh God! I'm out of insulin! [grabs the New Kid] You gotta help me, I drank the apple juice, but I don't have any insulin! I'm going into diabetic shock! I'm... I'm dying! Oh God! Mom! Mom, I'm dying! Somebody, please... [collapses] Please... uh... huh... | |
| Captain Diabetes becomes unresponsive. After a while, the Coon makes a video call with the superheroes | |
| [via video communication] This is Coon, checking in. How's it going for you guys? Everything cool over there? Cool. Keep me updated. | |
| Coon out. Immediately after, a holographic version of Morgan Freeman appears in front of the screen | |
| You know what makes my farts super bad! Hand-crafted Tex Mex. Not just any handcrafted Tex Mex. It's gotta be somethin' extra special. You know what to do, New Kid. | |
| The New Kid is prompted to eat the Enchirito crafted earlier in the Burrito Whsiperer mission, and does so. The New Kid uses a newly unlocked Timefart Glitch to travel a little back in time. We're now back to the scene where the mafia was just at the doorstep. | |
| Ah... I'm alive? What happened? Who are you?! Ahh!! [shuts the door on the superheroes] | |
| Wait a minute... what happened? I thought I died from diabetes! I remember seeing a bright light, the hand of God reaching towards me, then somebody farted in my face and I was back. I can almost still smell it. | |
| Timefart unlocked: Glitch | |
| Wow, your farts can actually move objects in time! That's impressive! Now, let's get back to that stripper! Coon Friends! We found the female, but she's escaped to the Italian restaurant! Requesting backup! | |
| [via video communication] You heard him, all Coon Friends to the Buca De Faggoncini! | |
| Captain Diabetes and the New Kid go through the door, into the restaurant. They find Mosquito, the Coon and the Human Kite already seated just behind the counter. | |
| She was just here! You didn't see her come in? | |
| Uh, no, we were busy, syncing our watches. | |
| No. We were looking at menus. Because Cartman made us order food. | |
| Fighting crimes on an empty stomach is very dangerous, Human Kite! It's for your own good. | |
| Whatever. | |
| She couldn't have left, we would've seen her go out the front door. | |
| Well, then maybe she's in the back! | |
| Ok, you guys check it out. Call us if you need help. We'll be waiting for you with our breadsticks. | |
| Captain Diabetes and the New Kid enters the kitchen, where many chefs, including the head chef, are preparing food for the customers | |
| Hey, come on, we need to get all this pasta and the meatballs out to the customers! | |
| These guys look dangerous, sidekick. Maybe we can do something to even the odds. | |
| When the head chef sees the New Kid, he will approach and attack the New Kid | |
| Hey, you get outta here! | |
| Combat begins | |
| How dare you treat my kitchen like a rinky-dink trattoria! | |
| During combat, Towelie will prompt the player on using Timefart Glitch in battle | |
| Your farts are super powerful tools to use in combat! Your new fart power can totally nullify an enemy turn. | |
| If the player stalls for a while | |
| This is my valuable drinking-on-the-job time, dammit! | |
| During the Coon's turn | |
| I'm gonna dip my balls in your sauce. | |
| No! Not... not... not my sauce! | |
| During a chef's turn | |
| I'm gonna put boogers and cum on all you little fuckers! | |
| I'm gonna grill you under a brick. | |
| I'm gonna force feed you corn and harvest your fatty liver. | |
| Hey kid, you ever been spatchcocked before? | |
| I guess we can store your corpses in the walk-in for a good six weeks. | |
| I'm gonna violate your health code. | |
| That makes no sense! | |
| After a chef has made his move | |
| That outta break down your collagens. | |
| Now that's a left-handed spatula. | |
| That's tenderizing. | |
| You want a creme fraiche bukkake with that?! | |
| Hell fucking no! | |
| During the head chef's turn | |
| I'm sending you home to mama in the doggy bag. | |
| I break the head! | |
| I make you flat, like the pizza! | |
| I'm gonna turn you into a braciola that makes the mouth water. | |
| You're about to become just another stain on my apron. | |
| Now I pound your noodle into the risoni. | |
| Oh mia mamma. I'm like the lamb to the slaughter. | |
| When the head chef is using his healing ability | |
| Bottoms up! | |
| To health! Alla vita! | |
| Wine will save the life! | |
| If the chefs are attacked by the Coon | |
| Pretty sure I can fit your whole body in a stock pot, little shit! | |
| If the chefs are attacked by any superhero | |
| I'm gonna debone you, kid! | |
| You're gonna clean so many pots and pans for that. | |
| Hey, I only take abuse from the head chef in this kitchen! | |
| If the chefs suffer Bleeding status | |
| Fuck, I'm dripping all over the place. | |
| If the head chef is attacked | |
| Do that again and I'll flatten you like, like the pia... the piadina. | |
| If they touch me again, I make you all busboys! | |
| You dirty chicken, no fight like a real man! | |
| It's like I make the pasta al sangue over here. | |
| If the head chef suffers Grossed Out status | |
| This can't be good for business. | |
| If the head chef is defeated with another chef still standing | |
| Oh shit, the head chef's dead! I'm the new head chef! | |
| Once all the chefs are defeated | |
| Ok, see you guys later. We're gonna do some real superhero shit. | |
| All right! All the carbs we can eat! | |
| End of combat. The New Kid is now standing next to Captain Diabetes. Obstructing their way into the back of the kitchen is a large boiler | |
| Those carbohydrate crusaders were no match for the Coon and Friends, huh sidekick? Classi must have gone this way, but the path is barricaded! I could easily lift this out of our way, but I can't use my apple juice without insulin to bring me back down. Hmm, maybe we could trigger my Diabetic Rage somehow... Of course with my super-strength I could knock it over, but I can't use apple juice without my insulin... We need to find a way to tip that over without resorting to apple juice. | |
| After a while, the New Kid is unable to find a way through. They return to Captain Diabetes | |
| I'm such a mild mannered superhero, it's almost impossible to push me into a stage of blind rage. Except... wait, that's it! Your farts, sidekick! Your terrible farts that throw me into fits of rage! Of course, the Coon wasn't trying to make me feel insecure when he told me that my mom's farts gave me diabetes. He was trying to help me unlock my true powers! We've gotta get through there and get to Classi, sidekick. For the good of South Park, for Coon and Friends, I need you to fart on my face. | |
| The player is now prompted the Inspection Mode. The New Kid stands beside the boiler, with Captain Diabetes in between | |
| All right, ready when you are. | |
| The New Kid pounces on top of Captain Diabetes, and farts on his face. In response, Captain Diabetes goes into a Diabetic Rage and flips the boiler over | |
| We did it! The path is clear! It's hard for me to lose control of myself, but if we're ever in a dire situation like that again, sidekick, know that you can fart in my face. | |
| Buddy Power unlocked: Diabetic Rage | |
| Captain Diabetes and the New Kid enters a very dark room. They turn on the lights to find several cats locked away in cages | |
| Holy guacamole! What is this?! [takes a look around] Oh man! We gotta tell the guys. Coon! Coon! Come in! | |
| [via video communication, showing him still on breadsticks] Yes, Captain Diabetes. | |
| We found missing cats! A whole room of them. | |
| Dude! Is Scrambles one of them? | |
| Uhh, negative. None of them are fat and old. | |
| And what about the girl? | |
| We're still tracking her. | |
| We have to find out what she knows. Get going! [hangs up] | |
| We're so close I can smell it! Come on, sidekick! | |
| There is another room at the other side of the room. Captain Diabetes start eavesdropping on the door. | |
| Hold on, sidekick. Sounds like there could be trouble behind that door. There's someone in there. Get ready, one, two, diabetes! | |
| Captain Diabetes barges in, and finds an Italian mafia laughing over a card game, with Classi standing behind them. Classi and the Italian mafia were disrupted and turn their heads towards the superheroes | |
| See, I told you the cops were chasing me! | |
| And you led them here, you stupid b****?! | |
| Uh-uh, who you calling a stupid b****?! Do I look like your mama? | |
| The jig is up, Classi! | |
| These kids are cops? | |
| That ain't no cop, that's Captain Diabetes! When he was born his mother farted during labor and it gave him diabetes that he uses to fight crime! | |
| That is not how people get diabetes! | |
| If they aren't cops then we can shoot 'em! Along with this b**** too! | |
| The mafia boss whips out a gun and points at the superheroes | |
| Aw shit, y'all turning on me?! I knew I shouldn't have went into business with y'all Tony Soprano-looking motherfuckers! | |
| So long, Captain Diabetes. [loads the gun] Let's see your diabetes save you now. | |
| Uh oh. | |
| Just then, Randy barges into the room, completely drunk on red wine, with his pants down. He grabs the mafia boss. | |
| What the...?! | |
| I WANT MY KEEEYS! | |
| I don't have your keys, man! | |
| Randy becomes enraged, throwing the boss against a wall, with Classi screaming in horror. | |
| He's wasted on red wine! | |
| Red wine drunk is the worst drunk there is! | |
| Randy began punching all of mafia, every one of them gets knocked down easily. | |
| Let's get the fuck outta here! [leaves the room, along with the rest of the mafia] | |
| All right, Captain Diabetes, this is it. Give me... my... fuckin' keys. | |
| You are in no condition to drive! | |
| Then, die! [takes a sip of red wine and throws the glass] | |
| Combat begins: Red Wine Drunk Randy | |
| You're being unreasonable, Mr. Marsh. Let me call your wife. | |
| Leave Sharon out of this, you little prick! [makes his move against Captain Diabetes] | |
| By now, the player is prompted to use the Timefart glitch to stop the attack. If the new player decide not to use the Timefart at all, Randy will punch Captain Diabetes several times | |
| My keys! [grabs Captain Diabetes and slams him down the floor] GIVE... ME... MY KEYS! | |
| Look at him lying on the ground all beat up and shit. | |
| Fuckin' yes. Yes, motherfucker! Did I just win? | |
| The New Kid stops this by using the Timefart Glitch | |
| Uh-uh, that's not fair. You can't be using your ass to speed up time and skip people turns and shit. | |
| Whenever the New Kid uses the Timefart Glitch at any other time | |
| Huh? Aww, I thought it was my turn... | |
| After a few turns, Randy may execute another attack that will knock out Captain Diabetes | |
| I learned this watching daytime TV. | |
| Last warning. Hand 'em over. | |
| When Randy is attacked | |
| I feel no pain! | |
| I thought this was America! Isn't this America?! | |
| Randy, you some kinda pussy. | |
| Aw man, looks like I bet on the wrong horse! | |
| Oh shit! That looked like it hurt. | |
| Don't let those b****** get you down! | |
| Why you keep letting them hit you like that? Duck or something. | |
| Damn, they got you all weak and shit. You better not lose, n****. | |
| Before Randy's turn | |
| [takes out his phone] Shit, shit, hang on, Sharon's texting me. I can't type! Why the fuck can't I type?! Why are my thumbs so big?! Hey Siri! Fuckin' take a note, tell my wife to fuck off 'cause I'm fighting. Poop emoji. | |
| [takes out his phone] Oh man, she sounds pissed. Which one of you assholes told Sharon I was here? Hold on, hold on... “Be... home soon... Looking for my fucking keys. Heart, heart, X, O” send. | |
| I think Stan's dad really wants to kill you, Scott. | |
| When any superhero is attacked | |
| Oh shit! Yeah!! | |
| Yeeeee, fuck them up, baby! | |
| Hurt 'em! That's right baby! | |
| Uh-huh. Classi like the way you move! | |
| Make those little b****** hurt, baby! | |
| Give it up, you and your tiny pubes! | |
| If Randy suffers Bleeding status | |
| Still bleeding? I guess I better just drink more to replace my lost fluids. | |
| If Randy suffers Burning status | |
| Wait, wait, how long have I been on fire? Jesus! | |
| Hot hot hot hot hot! | |
| If Randy suffers Chilled status | |
| Uh! I think my balls just retracted into my abdomen. | |
| If Randy suffers Grossed Out status | |
| I'm gonna feel way better after this quick puke. Hold on, you'll see! | |
| Once Randy is defeated | |
| All right, I'm gonna take a cab. | |
| There! Nobody drinks and drives on Captain Diabetes' watch! | |
| End of combat. Classi is now facing all of Coon and Friends | |
| All right, all right, shit! Look, all I know is that there's a kingpin trying to get new high-grade drugs out on the streets! It's somebody trying to bring the Italian and Chinese crime families together and shit! | |
| Enough small talk! [pulls out the Missing poster of Scrambles] Where is Scrambles? | |
| Scrambles? | |
| We need this reward money for our superhero franchise! | |
| Oh shit, ya'll just want a cat? | |
| The Coon and Friends takes Classi to the Coon Lair. Classi is sitting on the opposite side of the table, trimming her fingernails | |
| So then there's Cisco. He just some low-class asshole, started working two months ago. He be talkin' all this shit about makin' money off the crime in the city cuz some big shot white boy be runnin' all the drugs and all the hookers and shit, right? | |
| Ok... | |
| Uh-uh, but not me. I'm my own pimp, you know what I'm sayin'? It's like, I got one investment in this world and that's my pussy. I ain't puttin' no mortgage on that to some high-payin' n****talkin' 'bout trying to make more money off crime and shit... | |
| Classi, Classi! I'm sorry, but wh-what about the cats? | |
| Oh, the cats? Ok, that's this little Asian freak named Yakibaba or some shit. He goin' around payin' all these sixth graders to take people's cats. That's fucked up! I think takin' that pussy like takin' mine, you know what I'm sayin'? That's like criminal shit. | |
| Where do the cats go? | |
| I can tell you, but I ain't sayin' shit until I know I'm safe, you understand? These n****s ain't playin' and I need to know you gonna protect my ass! | |
| Just then, the door opens and Liane is standing on the stairwell | |
| Eric Cartman! Do you have any idea what time it is? This is a school night! | |
| Mom, not now. We're seriously on to something. | |
| You kids all get home now or I'm calling your parents! | |
| Sorry, Mrs. Cartman! Please don't tell my mom! [he leaves with Mosquito and Super Craig] | |
| And who is this stripper woman? | |
| These Coon Friends offered me protection. | |
| Well, she's not staying here. | |
| Fine. Fastpass, take her to your house. | |
| Ok! | |
| Fastpass takes Classi and dashes off. The Coon follows his mother out of the Coon Lair, leaving the New Kid all alone | |
| A morning news program is now shown | |
| And now the news program that starts your day off right. Good Morning South Park! | |
| Good morning, South Park! A new vigilante took to the streets last night and has apparently single-handedly taken down the Famboni crime family. Here with more is a midget in a bikini. | |
| Buca De Faggoncini, morning. The midget in a bikini is reporting outside the restaurant, with police, ambulance and townspeople covered in blankets | |
| Tom, I'm standing outside the Buca De Faggoncini where the vigilante declared war on crime in South Park. Security camera footage showed a young person farting in people's faces, on their balls, it was just terrifying. | |
| The kid came in and just... just started farting on people! | |
| It was outta nowhere, man. | |
| Maybe someone's finally standing up to what's wrong with this city. This New Kid's a hero! | |
| The kid's a menace, if you ask me. How long before he or she kills an innocent person? How long before Daredevil becomes the Punisher? [turns away from the camera] Huh? Three seasons? [returns to the camera] Three seasons! | |
| Police called to the scene found a treasure trove of illegal items that they claim might tie the Italian restaurant to a larger crime syndicate. This may be just the tip of the iceberg. | |
| Certainly, chilling stuff and, there were reports the vigilante possibly had a sidekick? | |
| There was thought to be a sidekick, Tom, but further investigation showed it was just some little twerp with diabetes. | |
| Thanks, midget, and of course, the question on everyone's mind now, who is the Farting Vigilante? | |
| The screen zooms out to a television set, and then it was turned off. The scene now turns to the police station. | |
| This is going to make us look bad. You fucked up. | |
| It wasn't our fault! This kid just came into the restaurant and started fartin' like there was no tomorrow! | |
| All you Italians are supposed to do is move the product. The Chinese and Russians do the rest. Everything has to be discrete and quiet or people are gonna learn the truth. [takes an empty glass bottle] That we put the product into people's drugs and alcohol in order to create more crime. | |
| Yates walks over to Scrambles, places the bottle on the cat's bladder and pulling its tail, which releases cat urine into the bottle | |
| You just keep doing your part in getting the cheese out on the streets. Or maybe I'll start dealing directly with the Russians, or the Chinese, or... the sixth graders. | |
| South Park Elementary. The school day is just over, and many kids are leaving the school. Jimmy, the New Kid, Cartman and Kyle walk out of the school together | |
| [yawns] Wooohh, man, what a great sleep! | |
| Yeah, I haven't slept that well in weeks. | |
| [yawns] So, you guys do anything interesting last night? | |
| Oh no, you know, the usual. Just watched some TV and went to bed. | |
| Yep! Nothing exciting in our b-boring lives! | |
| Well then, I guess I'll be seeing you guys tomorrow! [leaves, along with Jimmy] | |
| You've got a big day ahead of you, New Kid. Get changed into your superhero costume and wait for a meesage from the Coon. [leaves] | |
| The New Kid changes into their superhero costume on the spot. Afterwhich, a boy walks up to the New Kid | |
| How do you do that? That was dumb. | |
| Fin de The Bowels of the Beast | |