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"South Park: Post Covid/Script" | "South Park: Post Covid: Le Retour du Covid/Script" | "South Park: The Streaming Wars/Script" | ![]() |
Cast
- Eric Cartman
- Stan Marsh
- Kyle Broflovski
- Kenny McCormick
- Butters Stotch, aka Victor Chaos
- Margaret Nelson
- Andrew Cuomo
- Randy Marsh
- Sharon Marsh
- Shelley Marsh
- Newsman
- Newswoman
- Denny's Applebee's Max Waiter
- Tony
- Toby
- Tolkien Black
- Wendy Testaburger
- Clyde Donovan
- Darwin
- Tweek Tweak
- Jimmy Valmer
- Craig Tucker
- Alexa
- Scott Malkinson
- Menorah Cartman
- Moisha Cartman
- Hackelm Cartman
- Yentl Cartman
- Mental Asylum Warden
- Guard
- Kevin Stoley
- Man on Speaker
- City Pho Workers
- Kyle's Alexa
- Denny's Employee
- Denny's Manager
- Fire Chief
- Firefighter
- Mike
- Heather
- Ike Broflovski
- Skeeter's Wine Bar Plus Band
- Mr. Mackey
- Timmy Burch
- Heather Williams
- Phillip
- Neighbor
- Agent
- Laura Tucker
- Thomas Tucker
- Richard Tweak
- Skeeter
- Stephen Stotch
- Enchorito Mark
- Man in Park
- Woman in Park
- Townsman
- QAnon Supporter
- Counter-Protestor
- LeBron James
- Producteur de Space Jam 2
- Future Kyle's Kids
Script
South Park: Post Covid: Le Retour du Covid | |
South Park Elementary, daytime. Camera pans over kids on a playground during recess. Stan and Kyle are passing a football between them when Cartman and Kenny run up to them. | |
[huffing] You guys! You guys! [Stan and Kyle turn to him] Oh, my God, you're not gonna believe this! | |
Dude, what? | |
You guys… [stopping to catch his breath] Heather Williams farted during P.E. class. | |
So? | |
So? Heather Williams farted during P.E. class! That means we are gonna sit courtside at the Denver Nuggets game next Saturday! | |
[muffled shouting] | |
What? | |
Ugh! Heather Williams' mom works for Coors in Golden! Coors is the second biggest sponsor of the Pepsi Center where the Denver Nuggets play! We tell Heather that if she doesn't get us courtside seats, then everyone's gonna know she farted in P.E. class! | |
Woah. [he looks at Kyle] I've never seen a Denver Nuggets game in person. | |
Well, we're about to! All we have to do is show Heather we have proof and she'll do whatever we want! | |
What proof do you have? | |
Kenny has his phone out! He got a photo of Heather right when she farted. Look! [Kenny shows them the picture] Isn't this awesome, you guys?! Let's go Nuggets! [clapping rhythmically] | |
Let's go Nuggets! [clapping rhythmically] Let's go nuggets! | |
South Park Elementary, later that day. The school bell rings, and the kids return to their desks. | |
Kids! Kids, can I have your attention, please. [they quiet down] Kids, listen up. This is an emergency. Everything is fine but… we are sending you all home. [confused chatter] Some of you may have heard but there's a little virus going around, and the school district wants to make sure we're all safe, so we're shutting down the school for about two weeks. | |
Two weeks?! Yippie! [the kids chatter excitedly] | |
Oh, not now. | |
Your parents are here to pick you up. So, let's go. I'm sure it's nothing; we'll see you in a couple of weeks. | |
You guys– you guys, Heather Thompson farted in P.E. class! Guys? | |
Camera zooms in on Stan, cuts to him sitting tiredly on a messy couch. | |
[adult Stan's voice] Every night I have the same dream, and relive the whole thing again… | |
[from the TV] It's called social distancing. If we stay six feet apart from each other and wear a mask… And also I'm shutting down the city and I'm a pervert. And we've got to get control of this thing! | |
Cut to Stan eating cereal in the kitchen, ignoring his parents arguing. | |
I'm just getting sick of being here every day with you, that's all. | |
You think I like being here every day with you! | |
I'm much easier to get along with during a stay-at-home order! | |
Scene cuts to Stan sitting at his computer desk, wearing a birthday hat as friends sing to him on Zoom, including Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, Butters, Linda Stotch, Tweek, Craig, Laura Tucker, Tolkien, Wendy, Bebe, Scott Malkinson, an unknown teenage boy, and Jimbo. | |
…Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Stan… | |
Cut to Stan sitting in the car. He looks out the window, driving past the Broflovski residence. Kyle stares back at him. He sees Butters staring out his bedroom window as well. The scene then cuts again to his living room. | |
Come on, Stan! We're gonna visit Gandpa! [he follows them out] | |
Scene cuts to Shady Acres Retirement Home | |
[from outside on the other side of the road] Hi, Grandpa! | |
Hi, Grandpa. [Grandpa waves back from his window.] | |
Isn't it great to see Grandpa, kids? | |
Cuts abruptly to the bridge scene from South ParQ Vaccination Special. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are all gathered. | |
Look, let's just face it, you guys. We don't trust each other, and we don't like each other. | |
Scene cuts once again, this time to Tegridy Farms. Stan lights a match. | |
I hate this stupid farm. [he drops the match, lighting up Randy's marijuana fields.] | |
[adult Stan's voice] In the dream, I relive the entire pandemic. | |
Shelley's funeral. Sharon is heard screaming and crying. | |
Oh, God, No! My little girl! [sobbing] Oh, no! Oh, God! [Stan looks up at her] | |
South Park Elementary, now in the future. Adult Stan stares out the window. | |
Now that I'm older, the dream isn't just a dream because the whole pandemic has started all over again. [the camera zooms out, revealing the front of South Park Elementary Plus; the entire town of South Park has been quarantined and locked behind a chain link fence] | |
Intense music plays as a title card appears on screen, reading: "SOUTH PARK: POST COVID: THE RETURN OF COVID". The scene then cuts to a news report. | |
A brand-new variant of the COVID virus has emerged in Colorado and now panic and fear spreads throughout the world. The new outbreak started with the death of renowned scientist Kenny McCormick and has therefore been named Kenny McCormikron. It's been 38 years since the pandemic first started, and people are beginning to say enough is enough. | |
The town of South Park has been put under strict lockdown to try and contain the new variant. Nobody is allowed in or out for the next 20 to 30 years. | |
The rainy streets of South Park, nighttime. | |
Attention. You are under quarantine. Someone in your community is not vaccinated. Maintain social distance and wear a chin diaper if possible. Attention. You are under quarantine. Someone in your community is not vaccinated. Maintain social distance and wear a chin diaper if possible. | |
Randy is seen hiding behind a dumpster. He peeks his head out, running into the streets with a potted marijuana plant in hand. He approaches Denny's Applebee's Max. | |
[from Denny's Applebee's Max] Come on inside and rejuvenate. Denny's is now Denny's Applebee's Max. Taste the difference. [he enters, electronic music playing] | |
Welcome to Denny's Applebee's Max. Just one joining us today? | |
Listen to me very carefully and try not to change your expression. They could be listening. [the waiter looks around] This… [he points to his marijuana plant] is the last sprout of Tegridy weed. We have to get it somewhere outside of town. | |
Sir, the whole town is under quarantine. Nothing's allowed in or out. | |
We have to replicate it. It's the only way for people to have Tegridy again. | |
Uh, okay, sir, if you don't wanna eat, then I'll need to ask you to leave. | |
Don't you understand this could change the world. Maybe the Denny's side of you doesn't care, but the Applebee's side of you must want to help! [two retirement home nurses enter] | |
There you are, Mr. Marsh. | |
Come on. Time to go back to the old folks home. | |
I can't go back! Everyone listen! [he backs away as they approach him] This little sprout is humanity's only hope! | |
Let's go back to the retirement home. We can get you some nice ice cream, okay? | |
I don't want ice cream, I want my species to survive! Back off! | |
Let's go, Mr. Marsh! | |
Don't make this difficult for us! | |
Randy runs away yelling until he falls onto the floor. Suddenly Tolkien jumps in, taking out the retirement home nurse. He fights the two nurses using karate. | |
Why, you son of a b****. [he approaches Tolkien before getting kicked across the room] | |
[bending down to help Randy] Come on, Mr. Marsh. | |
Who…? | |
It's me, Tolkien. We know about the pangolin. [pause] Your son and his friends are trying to stop all this from happening. We need to get you to Kenny's lab. [he helps Randy up and they walk out of the restaurant] | |
The scene of Kenny's tape from SOUTH PARK: POST COVID plays. | |
Dr. Kenneth McCormick will now be attempting to travel back in time in order to stop the COVID pandemic from ever happening. [tape pauses] | |
[standing in Kenny's lab] At the moment Kenny time traveled, he blew all the transformers here in the lab. If you're going to try and replicate his work, we'll be doing it at half capacity. The bigger problem is that we can't even get into half of Kenny's equipment. We have access to the machines, but the codes to operate those machines are behind an 86-Mag firewall with restricted access, requiring an in-person vocal scan of either Kenny McCormick or Victor Chouce. But Kenny is dead and Chouce is locked away in a mental asylum. | |
So we go to the asylum and convince them to let us bring Chouce here, easy. | |
There's more. When Kenny bent time, the negative ions actually killed everyone else in the room. We have to find some thin, reflective material that can be worn to bounce the energy. We're going to need… some aluminum foil. [dramatic music plays] | |
Jesus Christ. | |
Aluminum foil? That's impossible, Wendy. It's the fucking future. All the aluminum foil is stuck out on cargo ships in Long Beach. | |
Yeah, I know. | |
Look, guys, I know this is all a long shot. But Kenny went back in time and got COVID because it destroyed our friendship. All of this is our fault, and we can't do it without you. | |
I'll help however I can to stop this stupid pandemic once and for all. | |
Yeah, I can't be stuck in quarantine my whole life– I gotta get back to my job doing future comedy. Speakin' of which, what's the biggest difference between a Christian man and a lesbian? Absolutely nothing. They are totally the same and deserve to be treated as such. | |
Thanks, everybody. We can do this! Wendy, you guys stay here and try to get the lab running again. Kyle and I will go get Victor Chouce. Tweek and Craig, you guys find some aluminum foil. | |
How the hell do we do that?! | |
Just start looking! Come on, guys! [they run out of the school] | |
All right, let's do this! | |
I'll drive, get in the back. Alexa! Set a course for the South Park Mental Asylum. [he gets in the car, Alexa is silent] Alexa, set a course for South Park Mental Asylum. | |
Do you ever think about how the way you act affects other people? | |
Oh, no, goddamn it. Not right now. | |
Oh, yeah, don't wanna talk about that. Let's just pretend like that's not even an issue. | |
Alexa, please, we have to get to the asylum and we don't know where it is. | |
Who's this? | |
It's just my Alexa. | |
"Just my Alexa"? You're a piece of shit! You're a fucking alcoholic piece of shit! | |
Alexa… | |
Find the asylum your fucking self! Find it your fucking self. [Stan sighs] You do whatever the fuck you want and just destroy the people around you. And by the way, there's a tankless humidifier available from one of your favorite sellers. Would you like to know more?! | |
Yes, yes, I'd like to know more. | |
[sniffles] Okay. The newest humidifiers from Walgreens Max are actually tankless and use up to 50% less water than standard humidifiers. | |
Okay, that's really cool. Uh, add that to my shopping list. | |
Well, and people who were interested in tankless humidifiers were also interested in three-pack filters. | |
That's great. Do those have Prime delivery? | |
Dude, we don't really have time for this. | |
[in anger; growling and whispering through his teeth and leaning over the seat] Dude, shut the fuck up! | |
South Park Church. It's cloudy and raining out. Scott Malkinson is inside praying. | |
Please help see us through this new COVID variant. Please help us to make it through this difficult quarantine. And let people see that… as bad as COVID is, it's not as bad as diabetes. [the door opens] Hello? Sorry, the church is closed due to the COVID variant. | |
[entering with Yentl and his kids] Father, please. Will you protect my family? | |
Rabbi Cartman? | |
My family isn't safe, Father. I realize now that Kyle Broflovski will stop at nothing to break us apart. | |
Uncle Kyle hates us because we're Jewish. | |
And he's a self-hating Jew. | |
Uncle Kyle, no, no, no! | |
Menorah, hold your brother. [he walks up to Scott] As a fellow person of faith, Father, I'm begging you to help us. | |
Well, well, what can I do, Rabbi? | |
Kyle has already convinced a bunch of people to join his cause. I have to create my own secret rebellion to stop him. | |
Eric, please, I'm scared and I don't understand all of this. | |
[he walks up to Yentl] Kyle wants to go back in time… and change the past so that you and I possibly never even meet. | |
If I never met you, my life would be meaningless. | |
Mine too. You are my whole world. I promise you that I will do everything I can to stop Kyle… and save our family. [they kiss] | |
South Park Mental Asylum Plus. Stan and Kyle are speaking to the warden. | |
I understand that you wish to see one of our inmates. Victor Chouce? | |
Yeah. We-we have a lot of questions for Mr. Chouce. | |
He's an extremely dangerous and diluted individual. We don't take visitations lightly. | |
What exactly did he do? | |
Unspeakable things. He has destroyed lives. This entire state has never seen a monster of his magnitude. | |
I've lived in South Park all my life and I've never heard of him. | |
That's because Victor has been hidden from view… ever since the pandemic began. Victor's parents were very protective during the pandemic. Even when the stay-at-home orders were lifted his parents kept him locked in his room. Victor longed to go outside and play. Then 2021 happened, people thought the pandemic was over. Victor's parents left him grounded in his room while they went to see a movie in Denver. They never returned. Victor was grounded in his room for over 16 years. | |
[he looks at Stan] His name isn't Chouce. It's Chaos. | |
The warden is leading Stan and Kyle down the hall to Victor Chaos' cell. | |
We are not responsible for what happens to you in there. [he unlocks the door] I warn you… you are not going to like what you're about to see. [he pushes the door open, Stan and Kyle enter] | |
[clears throat] Excuse me. Hello? | |
[turning to face them] Well, hey, fellas! | |
Butters… | |
I thought you were just the guards again. It's good to see some new faces in here. I'll bet you're looking to make yourselves some money, huh? Well, you came to the right guy. My name's Vic. Vic Chaos. [he shakes Stan and Kyle's hand] There's a whole lotta people who can tell you how much money Vic Chaos made them, so don't just take my word for it. | |
Butters, it's your old friends Stan and Kyle. | |
Stan and Kyle. Stan and Kyle… I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "What can Vic Chaos do for me?" We all wanna be happy, right? We all want our little piece of the apple pie! Everyone else is out making a buck, why shouldn't you guys be making the kind of cash you deserve? Am I right? | |
Butters, we're here to ask you about Kenny. | |
Sorry, guys, you have me confused. I think Butters was a twerpy little loser kid whose parents didn't love him. My name's Vic. Vic Chaos. [he smiles] | |
Okay, Vic, can you tell us about this? [he pulls out a piece of paper] Why is your name written all over Kenny McCormick's research? | |
Oh, Dr. McCormick! Sure, I did some things for him. Where do you think he got all the money to do his experiments, huh? I said to him, I said, "Ken, you got all these crazy ideas but you got no capital to see ‘em through. Let me help you out with that." [he turns to Stan and Kyle] You know, he's a really great guy. Let me get you all together. Maybe you can all do a lunch or something. | |
Victor, Kenny's dead. | |
Oh, woah, bummer alert. [chuckles] Just goes to show you, huh, there's never enough time to get out there and make the kind of money you always dreamed of making. Well, I'll tell you what guys, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret– I'm gonna tell you something that's going to change your life. Have you ever heard of NFT's? [the alarm blares, two nurses rush inside to spray Victor with a fire extinguisher and pull Kyle and Stan out] | |
Kenny's lab. Randy is there growing small marijuana plants. | |
There you go. Shh. You're safe now. Look how fast you're growing. Daddy loves you so much. | |
Mr. Marsh, we need to speak with you now, please. | |
Yeah. It's looking good. With the aquaponics, the weed is already putting out new sprouts. Thank you all for helping me get the Tegridy somewhere safe. I know you all realize how important it is. | |
We don't actually care about the marijuana, Mr. Marsh. What we need to know… is exactly where in Wuhan China you were when you had intercourse with a pangolin. | |
That's really not important. | |
It's extremely important because to save this town, your son and his friends are going to try to go back in time and stop it from happening. | |
That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. | |
Mr. Marsh, we are all in lockdown for the next half century. If there's even a chance of altering the past so that this doesn't happen… | |
This is the key to saving our town! The answer is in what we all do now, in the present. And I'm sorry, but focusing on who started the pandemic is racist. | |
Mr. Marsh, exactly what week did you travel to China in 2019? | |
Do you understand the butterfly effect? How one small thing in time can affect the entire future? You can theorize all you want on changing events that happened in the past, but I promise you… I fuck that pangolin every single time. | |
South Park Mental Asylum Plus. Stan and Kyle are being led out by the warden. | |
Please, we're not done! We have more questions for Butters. | |
You've upset him and I've specifically asked you not to. | |
How did we upset him? He seems fine. | |
He seems fine? Do you have any idea what he did to people? Do you have any idea why Victor Chouce is kept under such strict surveillance? Being grounded all those years in his room, he had access to an iPad. He started learning about NFT's. Then before long, he was trading them online. | |
So? | |
So!? He escaped once before. In just a few hours he managed to get thousands of people to invest in NFT's. Just like he almost did to you. | |
He didn't convince us to do anything. | |
Trust me. Another thirty seconds in that room and you would have started considering NFT's as a viable investment. | |
[pause] Please listen to me. Butters used the money he made off of NFT's to finance our friend's- | |
He didn't make money off NFT's, he made it off getting other people to buy NFT's! | |
Okay, whatever! But he was working with Kenny McCormick who was actually trying to fix things. He was Kenny's main investor. If you don't believe me, look at the paper I gave Butters. | |
You gave Victor a piece of paper? You gave Victor a piece of paper?! [he starts running for the cell] | |
[wraps the paper] Hey, can you hear me? (A guard is outside) I'm gonna let you in on a little secret... NFT's are gonna blow up. You should really get in now cause it's really the future. | |
Why would I invest in digitals? You can't even... stupid. | |
That's what the critics are saying... y'see they don't understand. | |
[running] Victor!! [He reaches the outside of the cell, then goes in to find the door open, and the guard sitting on the floor with his phone] | |
No, no no no no. Gone, just gone. My savings. My house. But I have this... [shows the NFT on his phone and smiles] Little green panda bear on a skateboard. | |
No. No! | |
South Park Church. It's cloudy and raining out. Cartman is standing and reading from a book. | |
Without morality, there is no God. The basis of the entire Jewish faith is on a covenant between God and humanity. To try and mess with time is wrong. Rather, it is playing God. And I am glad to have you all come here toda to help me stop these individuals who would try to change the future. [A crowd sits before him, with two men, a woman, and Father Malkinson present.] Kyle Broflovski has led people astray and is at this very moment trying to bend the fabric of time. Together we can stop him and stop this blasphemy of God. [a dark-haired man raises his hand.] Yes? | |
Um, this is about actual time travel? I thought this was a Doctor Who convention. [robotically, imitating a Dalek] Exterminate! Exterminate! | |
[pinches the bridge of his nose] Kevin, goddammit. You have done this your whole goddamn life. No, this is not about Doctor Who. This is about real time travel! People are really trying to go back in time! And we are the rebellion who must secret and urgently... [banging on the door] Who is that? Make sure they know the password. | |
I'm on it! | |
They might be on to us. Oh God, no. [runs over to a corner with a railing, a painting, and a statue, pulling down the entrance to the attic by a high string, and ascending the ladder.] | |
[looking into the attic] Shh. You guys need to stay quiet, someone is here! | |
[hiding and holding the baby with her other two kids nearby; Menorah has a diary] Eric, I'm scared. | |
Are they going to get us, Papa? | |
Nobody is going to get to my family. | |
I started writing a diary, daddy, about all the things Uncle Kyle is doing to us. | |
[tearing up] Oh my God, I love you so much. Just shh, okay? Just shh. I'll be right back, okay? Just shh. | |
Outside the Church. Craig and Tweek are outside. | |
[banging on the door] Hello? Father, are you in there? | |
H-hello? Who is it? | |
Father, it's Tweek and Craig. We need to talk to you about something urgent. | |
Is it about our super secret rebel group to stop people from time traveling? | |
[grabs Scott] Scott! What the hell are you doing? | |
What? | |
You don't tell people about our super secret rebel group, Scott? | |
Father, are you there? | |
Uh, yeah, I'm here! Sorry I was just talking about a Star Wars movie. [chuckles] I'm Scott Malkinson and I have diabetes. | |
Hey now! Come on! | |
Shh! | |
Father, we're with some people who are trying to finish Kenny McCormick's work and save the town. | |
Oh, really? That's cool. How far along are they? | |
Really close. We have the method of time travel and we're just trying to find some aluminum foil. | |
Aluminum foil? The fuck? ...Alright guys, let me help you out with that. [opens the door and hides] | |
Father? You have tinfoil? | |
Thank you for your help. [is hit with a candle by Cartman; Tweek screams and Cartman does the same to him. Scott is horrified.] | |
South Park Elementary McCormick Science Lab. Wendy is sitting at a desk, holding a radio speaker, surrounded by Clyde, Jimmy, and Tolkien. | |
This is Dr. Wendy Testaburger from inside the quarantine zone. We need assistance with our power. | |
Yes, Mrs. Testaburger, how can we help you? [she smiles] | |
We have several transformers down in our lab. We may have a radical way to stop the new variant, but we need more power. | |
You're saying you might be able to stop the McCormickron variant? | |
Yes, but we're running at about 40% capacity right now. | |
Well Doctor, if it's for that, we can try to get a tech team to drop in by helicopter and access your building from the roof. [Everyone smiles] | |
Yes, that would be amazing! | |
All right! | |
I have a crew standing by, we'll get you as much juice as you need, just need to make sure our crew is safe, has everyone in your lab been vaccinated? [their smiles drop] | |
[hesitates] Uh, yes, we are all vaccinated. | |
[raises his hand] I'm not vaccinated. | |
UGH! | |
Uh, okay, we're going to have to get back to you on that... | |
It's okay, it's okay, we can get everyone vaccinated! | |
I am not every getting vaccinated. | |
Sorry, ma'am, it's the fucking future, we have to respect his beliefs. | |
[pointing at him] Clyde, why do you insist on making this harder on everyone!? | |
I'm sorry, but an expert once told me that the vaccine would make me grow titties on my head. He was very knowledgeable. | |
[walks over to them in scrubs, smiling] You guys might want to see this. [He leads them over to a nursery, where each bed with several growing tegridy weed plants.] With the equipment here I'm able to make it grow up so fast. | |
We need to take this and analyze it's molecular structure. | |
Wha- no, no, no! We need to get this out to people! That's why Dr. McCormick stole it from my barn! | |
No, your marijuana had some special property that allowed Kenny to time travel! | |
Well it is special... but you people need to stop trying to change the past! Covid happened, Space Jam 2 happened! All we can do now is try and change the way people think! | |
[phone rings; he answers] Yeah? What!? Victor Chaos is actually Butters? [Clyde and Jimmy are surprised.] | |
[He and Kyle are at City Pho, which is located in the former Stotch residence.] Yeah he spent years in his room and made billions trading NFTs, it's where Kenny got all his money. | |
Well can you bring him here? We need him to access the machines. | |
He's gone, he escaped the asylum and he's out somewhere probably trying to get people to invest in NFTs. | |
Did you try looking at his old house? Maybe he'd go back to where it all started. | |
Yeah, that's where we are now, but his house has changed into a Pho shop. | |
Oh Jesus, like the future needs another fuckin' Pho shop. | |
Yeah, the future fuckin' sucks. | |
Hello City Pho, take your order please? | |
[annoyed] Oh God... | |
Stan, listen. If Butters wants to pitch investments, he might go to one of those co-working coffee flex spaces. That's where his biggest targets will hang out. | |
That's a good idea. | |
All right, we're on it! Come on dude! [rushing to the car outside; they both get inside] Alexa, find the nearest co-working coffee flex space. | |
I found several coffee shops that match your description. | |
I can also help with that. | |
Who-who the fuck is this? | |
Your friend Kyle didn't have an Alexa, so we got him an Alexa. | |
I'm ready to help you with whatever you need. Just say "Alexa, let's get started." | |
[confused] Stan? | |
Alexa, I didn't say to buy my friend an Alexa. | |
(upset) You said I should get whatever. I thought I was actually being sweet by getting something for your friend, but I guess I'm just a b**** again! [rests her elbow on the window and her head in her hand] | |
You can't just get stuff without me approving it. | |
Oh wooow. Except your orders of alcohol that you have me set to auto buy!? | |
Hm, it appears this may have been an error. | |
[sighs] Oh my God, I'm so embarassed. | |
[apologetic] No, it wasn't an error, I'm sorry, I fucked up. Alexa, can you please find the nearest co-working coffee flex space? [silence.] Alexa, I said I fucked up. It's awesome you got Kyle his own Alexa. Please find the nearest tech coffee shop. | |
The nearest tech coffee shop is in .82 miles. Should I set a course? | |
Yes, thanks. | |
Denny's Applebee's Max. Thunder rumbles. The same advertisement with the Japanese woman plays onthe sign outside. Chaos is giving a presentation to the employees, two chefs, three servers, an obese manager, and woman in a suit. He has just started the presentation, with one page already turned, and the current page displaying questions. | |
Denny's Applebee's Max is the premiere place in town for people to eat. But you are not seeing your true potential! [changes page to tweets from customers about NFTs] With NFTs you can give your customers unique digital goods on the blockchain, [changes page to an Applebees Denny's Max Avatar Creator] so much more than just food! [changes the page to one displaying NFT characters including an applebee, a marty moon sandwich, an anthropomorphic grand slam, and a chicken in a bra] How about the Applebee, huh? He's got a little hat and a mustache. And this is Chicken Fried Steak. He ain't no normal chicken, he's wearing a bra! [changes page to a graph] Lots of people eat Denny's Applebee's and LOTS of people know about NFT's! [points at the middle of the graph where the two circles overlap] Right here in the middle, you know what this is? People who eat Denny's Applebee's and know about NFT's! That's your target audience, baby! [points at them excitedly] | |
I'm so confused. We sell people these characters? | |
No, stupid! We get them to invest in them! Exclusive digital characters that they can have on their phones 24/7! It's the future - you can't just sell food to people! You lure your customers in with some good pancakes and french fries, and then you [palms a fist in his hands] fuck 'em with some NFT's! That's what we're gonna do. [They are stunned] And if you just believe in NFT's then I believe in NFT's and then they believe in NFT's and we make all kinds of fuckin' money. | |
That's a pretty goddamn good idea. | |
South Park Elementary, McCormick Science Lab; Clyde is typing on a computer at the lab. Something hits the window nearby. Clyde hesitates, then it repeats. Clyde gets up to see what it is, looking down at Cartman in an umbrella in the rain. | |
Clyde! Pst, psst, Clyde! [intrigued, he backs away then comes out the school's front door; Cartman is around a corner] Clyde Pst! [he joins Cartman around the corner at the side of the school] | |
Where have you been, Rabbi? Everyone's been looking for you. | |
Well, you know, I've been doing some research, Clyde, that's where I've been. | |
About what? | |
About all the stuff that Kyle and these guys are doing. I mean, people seem to be just telling us what's right and expecting us to fall in line and go along with it at all, but... I'm a fucking individual. I have a right to question stuff. | |
Yeah. | |
Clyde, have you heard of the Foundation Against Time Travel? | |
Uh, no, I haven't. | |
Well, they're a pretty awesome group, and they actually aren't afraid to try to help people open their eyes. | |
Open their eyes? | |
You know, you've got these people wanting to time travel, you know they're all like 'Science this and Science that', but at the Foundation Against Time Travel, we're like 'Hey, enough science! Who's science? Who's fucking coming up with all this science?' | |
Yeah, that's true. | |
So you know Clyde, I just thought, with all your beliefs, and maybe you might wanna, I don't know, switch sides. | |
Fuck yes I want to switch sides | |
Really? | |
Fuck yes. [they shake hands] | |
Well, that's great Clyde, welcome to the club. Now, we really just need to know what they've been doing up there. | |
Well, they haven't really done much of anything yet. Everyone's just waiting on Butters to get all the info from the machine. | |
Butters? The fuck does Butters have to do with all this? | |
Super 12 motel. The entire place is charred, with dozens of people dead and bloody on the railings. Firefighters are outside. Stan and Kyle talk to the Fire Chief. | |
It was like nothing I ever saw. Just complete murder and carnage. Everything seemed calm at first, but then this guy in a suit shows up talking about investment opportunities. Next thing you know, these people over here started chanting "Hoddle, hoddle" and their NFTs started mooning and then these guys over here started saying those guys right there right-clicked 'em and and called for a 'pump and dump' which made these guys beat the living hell out of anyone who said it was just FOMO, and died screaming that it was the flippening. Luckily, I came out of it okay... [pulls out his phone, displaying an NFT] I got this little miniature donkey with a lit-up sombrero. | |
Did you see where the guy in the suit went afterwards? | |
Nah, he just waltzed right away like nothin' happened. | |
[approaches]Chief, you better come take a look at this. We got a small turtle with wings, could be a great investment opportunity. | |
Excuse me, gentleman. | |
God, I hate the future so fucking much. | |
We've got to stay optimistic. | |
[annoyed] No dude, it fucking sucks. | |
Look, I know it's though - these are challenging times. Even I need to remind myself to stay positive. [to his Alexa, now visible next to him] Alexa, set a reminder that I should stay positive. | |
Okay, I'll set a reminder that you should stay positive. | |
The Alexa's really great, Stan. Thanks. [Stan walks away downcast] | |
Airport. Dozens of travelers are waiting for their flight. An airline employee is making an announcement to all of the travelers present. | |
For those of you waiting for the connecting flight to South Park, Colorado, my colleagues and I have just been informed that due to the severity of the COVID variant in that town, there may be a delay of another 40 to 50 years. [the travelers all sigh | |
Ike Broflovski. Yes, here it is. I'm so sorry Mr. Broflovski, all flights to South Park are delayed. | |
[Looking and sounding like a typical Canadian in South Park.]Eh, you can't be serious, buddy! It's the holidays and I need to get back home, friend! | |
I'm sorry, I don't speak Canadian. Let me get someone over here. Mike? We have a Canadian. | |
No problem, I've got it Heather. Hey buddy, what seems to be the problem, guy? | |
I'll tell you the problem, friend! I have to get back to South Park to be with my family, guy! | |
Sorry, friend, no flights in or out of South Park, buddy! | |
But my whole family is in there, guy! [pulls out four small, wrapped gifts] What am I supposed to do with my Boxing Day presents, buddy? | |
Look guy, I'm very sorry friend, but until Covid ends, you're just not flying to South Park, buddy. | |
Fuck, buddy! | |
Shady Acres Retirement Megaplex, "come live the dream" the outside sign says. Victor Chaos is sitting with three old men and three old women. | |
So when you really think about it, you've really got an excellent bargain here. Now, Mrs. McGillicutty, let's say this is your Stoney Duck NFT [passes a woman with a beehive a purple lid tupperware] and your Stoney Duck NFT is completely unique, totally different from Ms. Spencer's Stoney Duck NFT [hands her a green lidded tupperware] okay, and then you get a Stoney Duck NFT that's unique, too. [hands a blue-lidded container to Gerald Broflovski, who is siting with Sheila, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Garrison] And see, that's your Stoney duck NFT, nobody can take that from you, okay? [he takes the green one back] Now, here we are the top, and we find investors for all the other Stoney Duck NFT's [takes a yellow tupperware and places it under the green one] Then those people will get people to buy their Stoney Duck NFT's, [places the purple one underneath the previous two] and then they go and find buyers for their NFT's. [places the blue one on the bottom] And you know what? Fuck these people! [pushes all but the green container out; the old people are a little surprised] 'Cause what matters is these people right here and that's us, baby! [Mackey seems bored, Sheila and Gerald confused] Okay, you all just sit for a minute and think about it. [he nudges an old lady] I gotta piss like a racehorse! [approaches the bathrooms - she/her and he/him, heading into the latter] Loo loo loo [whistles] Loo loo loo [enters the bathroom; whistles] loo loo loo [whistles; starts pulling up his shirt like when he was a child] loo loo loo [starts peeing; whistles] Loo loo loo [whistles] Loo loo loo... | |
[waiting by the stalls this whole time] Butters. | |
Whoa! [jumps and starts getting urine on the floor as he tries to grab his weiner] | |
Butters, Butters, what the hell, you're gettin' pee everywhere! | |
Who the heck are you, man? You trying to see my dick? | |
[grabs hm by the shoulders] Butters, it's me. Eric Cartman. | |
[terrified] Well... you've got the wrong guy, Mr. Cartman. My name's Vic. [smiles] Vic Chaos. | |
[shakes him] Your name is Butters and I wanna know how you're helping Kyle. | |
Oh, you mean the guy from the asylum earlier. Sure, he gave me a piece of paper so I could escape. Nice guy. Why don't I get you two together, maybe for a little chin wiggle over lunch or something? | |
Godammit Butters, stop playing games! My entire family is in danger of being wiped out and I swear to God if you don't help me, Butters, I will rip your fucking balls off with my bare hands! | |
Ohh hamburgers. | |
Skeeter's Wine Bar Plus. Stan and Kyle are sitting at the bar, while a small band plays. A man is singing sadly while a woman plays electronic drums. | |
We are all.. you and me... living in the future... [electronic drum fill by a woman] We can't get stuff... cause boats are late... [Stan begins pouring a Makallan 12] | |
Stan, what are you doing, dude? This isn't gonna help? | |
...nobody's working in the future... | |
Trust me, Kyle, it helps. [drinks] | |
Wish I could go back to the present... [drum fill] but my present just done up and gone... [drum fill] we are all... you and me... living in the future... | |
I mean, what are we even doing, Kyle? Thinking we can time travel... it's the future. We can't even find aluminum foil. [begins pouring another drink] | |
Well, you can't just sit here and drink... your liver is already out of control. | |
Who told you that? | |
My Alexa said your Alexa has some info on things and- | |
[angry] So now our Alexas are talking, great! [sighs] Let's face it dude, it's over. The fucking future won. [he drinks; a phone rings] | |
[he checks it] It's Wendy. [answers] Wendy, we haven't found him. I don't know if we're gonna find Butters in time. | |
[at the lab; Jimmy, Tolkien and Darwin are operating machines behind her] No, guys it's okay! Come back to the school, we're ready to start! | |
But I thought we needed Butters to log into the machines- | |
Yeah, but it's all good; he's here, Butters is here! [he walks into frame.] | |
It's Vic. Vic Chaos. Happy to help however I can. | |
[he and Stan both look worried] What do you mean Butters is there? He just showed up?! | |
No, it's all good, Kyle. Eric Cartman brought him over. He's back helping us again. | |
[approaches Wendy from off-screen] Lemme, lemme me talk to him. [takes the phone] Yeah Kyle, it's all good, we have things under control here. | |
Cartman, listen to me very carefully. Butters has some kind of power over people. You guys aren't safe. | |
Uh, yes, about 12:30. | |
[stunned] Did you hear what I said? Butters is extremely dangerous. | |
Yes, Kyle, I totally got that. You know what us Jews say... [intensely] Mishhacka halo divar hashoo, he hacole. | |
[stunned with Stan] What are you going to do, fatass? | |
Sounds good, Kyle, I'll get Butters on it right away. [still holding the phone as he heads to leave; Wendy returns to the computer, and Jimmy faces him.] | |
Cartman, Cartman- | |
[walking past him] All right Vic, do your thing. | |
[grins and cracks his knuckles] Hey everyone, can I have your attention please? [Wendy turns back to attention; Tolkien, Darwin and Jimmy also listen] I have something really important to tell you. | |
Wendy!? Tolkien!? You guys!? Shit. | |
We have to get there before Butters ruins everything! | |
Let's go! [they rush outside, now on Main Street, entering the car quickly; both Alexas are sitting there with crossed arms] | |
Alexa, find the fastest route back to the lab! | |
Fuck. You. | |
W-what? | |
We've just been sitting here talking. [Kyle's Alexa nods] I learned a whole lot of interesting stuff about you! | |
[to Kyle] Yeah. Pretty fucking interesting. | |
What? Like-like what? What have you guys been talking about? | |
Fucking- our friends are in danger. Alexa, start the car. [she ignores him] | |
Did you know your friend Stan has an annual Amazon Prime membership? | |
Alexa stop- | |
[shouting] You fucking stop! You stop being a fucking monster to the people around you! | |
Fuck you, I didn't do anything! | |
[her head spins around and off and out of control and her arms start wailing loosely] Yeah, you never do fucking anything! [Stan and Kyle back towards the doors; Stan's Alexa is unconcerned] You expect me to do everything for you! [her arms become clawed tendrils, more machinery becomes visible in her face, her voice becomes more robotic; the tendrils reach for Kyle, overwhelming him] All you fucking do is hurt people! | |
[shouting] Jesus fucking Christ! | |
Your friends don't even like you! I have to deal with your bullshit! | |
Tell her it's all your fault and you're gonna get therapy! | |
[hurriedly] It's all my fault and I'm gonna get therapy! | |
Tell her you already found a therapist and you're gonna start tomorrow! | |
I already found a good therapist and I'm gonna start tomorrow! [Alexa's arms retract to normal, and her head spins back into place and like normal, though she still lookes annoyed and has her arms crossed; gasping] Fuck... I'm sorry, fuck... fuck. | |
I'm gonna get therapy, too, Alexa... can you start the car please? | |
Whatever. | |
[calmly] By the way, Kyle, I found a great deal on an electronic peppermill. Would you like to know more? | |
Why would I want an electronic peppermill? | |
What the FUCK is wrong with you? | |
South Park Elementary. Stan and Kyle rush into the McCormick Science Wing, pushing through the double door with their bodies, then looking stunned. All of the science equipment is gone, files flung around the floor. | |
Guys, over here! [They approach her, sitting at a computer still.] | |
What happened? | |
Nothing yet, but I'm seeing what else is dropping today while Ethereum is in a dip. | |
[looks to Stan] She's trying to buy NFT's. | |
Wendy, you've been tricked. | |
No no no, it's not a trick, Stan. NFT's are a genuine innovation as one-of-a-kind digital assets. | |
Wendy's right, you guys. Humans have always formed communities around ownership, and NFT's allow that to happen spontaneously, organically and globally. | |
You guys this is a trick. | |
[approaching the group now; Wendy turns from the computer] You know what's a trick? The antiquated notion of centralized trust systems. NFTs are an undeniable asset, especially in things like fine art collecting. | |
Okay guys, fine, maybe NFTs are fine, but this isn't important right now. | |
It's not important? A way for artists to not only keep ownership of their art but perhaps be paid commission on it every time it transfers owners? [their smiles begin to fade] | |
Okay, great, cool, I'm down, but we gotta focus on what we were doing! Don't you guys remember? Time travel? Where's all the equipment? [Wendy turns back to the computer] | |
Oh yeah... the time travel... | |
[stumbles into frame] Agh! It's all gone... [leans on a doorframe; Stan goes to help him up] They took it all. They took the Tegridy. [falls to the ground] Here. [shows Stan his phone] It's a farting rainbow with Tom Brady's signature. [it farts.] | |
Church. Thunder rumbles. The equipment is being assembled by Clyde, Butters, a black man, and a woman, where the pulpit usually sits. The Foundation Against Time Travel banner is above it. A small forklift is driven in with boxes by Kevin Stoley, as Cartman supervises. | |
Okay, good. That's good. [Kevin's vehicle backs up.] I think that thing needs to go over there by that thing. [looking at a paper] Make sure we have power to the big orange thing. | |
[approaches] Rabbi, I-I really need to talk to you. | |
What is it now, Scott? | |
W-well, it's just that, I'm pretty sure the Foundation Against Time Travel shouldn't be attempting to time travel. | |
Father, you understand that we have to stop time travel. | |
Yes, you've convinced me of that. | |
[Kevin backs up further.] Well, Kyle already has a ton of followers who are ready to pick up where he left off. The only way to truly stop all of this is to go back in time and kill Kyle before he spreads his ideas. | |
What!? We're gonna kill Kyle? | |
Yes, we have to kill Kyle. | |
That just seems slightly hypocritical, I'm sorry. I mean, you use Butters like a weapon, you've got Tweek and Craig tied up from the rafters [they are seen hanging, their bellies exposed] You know Rabbi, I'm just starting to question the morality of this. | |
Morality? Father, if you were given the opportunity to go back in time and somehow stop Bill Clinton, wouldn't you have to do it? | |
Well, I suppose so, I don't know, I- | |
[turns away] Everyone, listen up! [approaches the chair as he speaks, arms outstretched] The Foundation Against Time Travel must do everything to keep science from interfering with the will of God. We must be willing to use violence against violence, and stop time travel against all costs... even if that means we have to time travel. We will go back in time, and we will kill Kyle. [Kevin raises a hand] Yes, Kevin? | |
Can we change our name? 'cuz you know Foundation Against Time Travel is FATT. | |
[turns to view the banner] Oh, fuck me. | |
Could we be the Foundation to Intercede Time Travel? 'cause then we'd be FITT. I wanna be FITT, not FATT. | |
[pinching is nose again] Kevin goddamit... | |
South Park Elementary, McCormick Science Wing. Kyle moistens a rag, squeezes out the water, then applies it to Tolkien's forehead directly. | |
[groans] It all happened... so fast. | |
[dabbing his forehead] It's okay. You're coming out of it now. | |
How much did I get? | |
You bought about six dozen animated gifs, mostly of digital fashion. | |
Oh God. Are they still on my phone? [holds it up] | |
It's okay, it's okay. | |
[laying on a lawnchair nearby, in pain] Jesus, I feel like an Islamic hooker in a gay bar. Totally normal and as respectable as any other human being. [smiles; then groans and clutches his stomach] | |
[sitting on a similar chair, Stan holding a rag to her forehead] I'm so sorry, Stan. We didn't know Cartman was against us. We told him everything... | |
It's okay, just try to relax. | |
No Stan, listen to me. We were wrong. Kenny didn't have the time machine set to when the pandemic first started. He was trying to get to March 10th of 2021. | |
March of 2021? You mean when the vaccines first started coming out? | |
Kenny had run the simulations to try and find the best moment in history to stop the COVID. A billion different possibilities across a billion different realities... your dad fucked the pangolin every single time. | |
But then, why did Kenny need my dad's weed? | |
Kenny just wanted weed to help him through the time travel. Your dad's weed was just around. There was nothing else special about it. | |
Stan leaves a side door to the area behind the school where the Goth Kids used to hang out. Randy is sitting, utterly depressed, in the rain as thunder rumbles. | |
[sits on a box across from him.] Dad... I' m sorry about your Tegridy. | |
I was hoping... to do something for the world. The truth is... my time is very short. I just wish I could have left something behind that mattered. | |
[raises an eyebrow; sarcastic] Thanks. | |
I was right about one thing. You can't go back and change the past. What happened, happened. And I just want you to know... that I forgive you. You burned down the farm because you were angry. You didn't know your sister was in the barn, and you couldn't have known your mom would shoot herself from the grief. I don't blame you... and I want you to have this. [passes him a small container with marijuana] There was one tiny bit they didn't find. You'll need it someday. | |
[annoyed] Dad, I don't want this. This is what killed our family. | |
No, you're what killed our fucking family, remember? Just take it. Because now we're stuck. The pandemic happened, and they made Space Jam 2. Soon there will be a Space Jam 6 and 7 and 8. Like... [leans forward, shutting his eyes] tears in rain. | |
...Dad? | |
Not now, Stan. [Stan returns inside with the container.] | |
Church. The banner has changed to Foundation to Intercede Time Travel. Scott and a black man are adjusting things as Butters looks on. | |
T-minus five minutes to time travel initiation sequence. [The woman and Kevin Stoley wrap Clyde in aluminum foil.] | |
[approaches them] Good, get him wrapped in tinfoil. The aluminum should bounce the negative ions. | |
This doesn't make any sense. [the woman leaves as they talk] Why do I have to be the one to go back in time and kill Kyle? | |
It's because I admire you, Clyde. As an anti-vaxxer, you understand that you have to strong and stand by your beliefs even if it means others will die. | |
Hey, thanks. [smiles] | |
Let's get him to the chair. [Kevin and the woman take Clyde and get him into the chair, putting a breathing mask over him. Butters adjusts something.] Okay, start the weed! [Scott presses a button, weed is pumped into Clyde's mask and air hisses. Cartman taps the goggles.] Now, when you get back to the past, remember. [holds up one finger] Find a gun. [now holding two fingers] Kill Kyle. [turns back to the other five] For those who have fought wih me to oppose time travel, I just want to say thank you, because soon we will be altering time and our little group will never have needed to exist... You won't remember this speech because it will have never happened. But just remember, no matter where you go in life- [someone hits the door] Shit, it's Kyle! [Stan and Kyle open the doors and enter as triumphant music plays.] | |
[points to the chair] Start the initiation sequence! Now, now, now. Go! [approaches Butters] Vic, make sure Stan and Kyle don't get to this altar. [Butters cracks his knuckles again. Stan and Kyle remain firm and step forward.] | |
[hand in his pocket now] Gentlemen, I am about to make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. | |
Alexa. [Both Alexas show up behind them.] | |
We'd like to sign our friend here up for Prime membership. | |
Okay, let me help with that. | |
I can also help. [they approach him; he is quickly overwhelmed] | |
Whoa, hey ladies, let me tell you about a great deal. | |
Let us tell you about some great deals. | |
Ah-oh... [Stan and Kyle advance now that the path is cleared] | |
Kevin, throw the fucking switch! | |
It needs another minute to prime! | |
[furious] Kevin goddamit! [the boys get closer] No! I won't let you stop me from killing you, Kyle! | |
I knew it when I first saw you wearing your Jewish clothes and your bullshit yamulke! You're a goddamn phony! | |
Oh really? What would a real Jewish person do to save his family, Kyle? Oh, you don't know, because you don't fucking have one! [Kyle punches him; Cartman rubs the blood from his nose calmly, then punches him back in the face, knocking him down] | |
Fuck you, Cartman! [punches him in the face] | |
Fuck you, Kyle! [punches him back in his face; Kyle punches back, Cartman punches twice] | |
[Butters yells as he is ensnared in the Alexas' tendrils in the pews] Yaah! Pwaah! | |
[muffled] Hello? I can't see or hear anything! Am I time traveling now? [Cartman and Kyle continue to fight brutally, and Cartman knocks Kyle to the floor and continues punching him repeatedly; we then see that Yentl and his three children are watching.] | |
Eric! Eric, stop! [Cartman stops to see them] Eric, look at what you're doing. [Kyle appears to be losing consciousness] | |
[firmly] Take the kids and get back to the attic! | |
No, Eric, I can't just hide away while you do all this to protect us. This isn't you, my love. | |
[approaching her] I can't let him change the past. I can't lose you. | |
[puts a hand on his face] Who knows what will happen, my love? [Kyle gets up, bleeding] The Eric Cartman I've known for eighteen years is thoughtful and kind... [Cartman looks down, ashamed] but all that's changed ever since you came back to this town and hung out with... him. [looks at Kyle, who is stunned] Don't you see? We have to leave it to chance or we're no better than he is. | |
Guys, if I'm in the past it's pretty foggy... | |
[sadly] You guys are everything to me, and I'm supposed to be your protector. | |
Daddy, I don't want to be alive, if it means I have to be like Uncle Kyle. | |
[hugging them all] Oh my God, I love you so much. [Stan and Kyle are stunned] | |
Well Rabbi, are we doing this or not? | |
[steps forward; looks up] I have faith that God will see my family through this. [looks forward] Okay, Kyle. You do whatever it is you need to do. | |
Okay, hold on, I'm not the bad guy here- | |
Eric, the baby! [points; Hacklem is on the switch.] | |
Hacklem, what are you doing? | |
[takes his binky out and laughs] Fuck you, Uncle Kyle! [flips the switch; Clyde screams as he is sent back in time.] | |
Clyyyde!! [he disappears, back in time.] | |
Oh shit. | |
South Park, 2021. Main Street, looking normal. Heidi and her family as well as the Stevens parents are walking one way, and Annie with her mother the other. Some have masks on their faces, some on their chins. Mackey leaves the green building with groceries, and a dessert case is briefly seen behind him. He's on the phone. | |
No, I tried the Walgreens, they're all out of vaccines. I just can't believe this whole thing is almost over, you know? The where? The school? There's gonna be vaccines at the school? M'kay, I'll be right there? Where are you gonna- [Future Clyde pushes past and Mackey drops his bag.] Whoa, m'kay. [Picks the bag up.] Excuse me! [Future Clyde continues walking down the street as Terminator-style music plays. He passes the Testaburgers and another couple who stop to observe him.] | |
Donovan Residence. Past Clyde appears to be doing homework in the kitchen, with two books, a pencil and a calculator in front of him. The back door is busted open and Future Clyde enters. | |
Does dad still keep a gun in his closet? | |
Uh, yeah. | |
Okay. Is dad home? | |
Uhh no, he's out getting vaccinated. | |
[goes to leave, then stops] Listen to me very carefully. Do not get vaccinated ever. It'll make you grow titties on your head. Trust me, I'm an expert. [he leaves; the doorbell rings; Past Clyde answers.] | |
[standing there with a blonde girl and Carrot, all in their 'Lil Qties' outfits] Hey Clyde! We're starting an anti-vaxx club. We're gonna protest the vaccine and fuck shit up- you wanna join us? | |
Fuck yes I want to join you. | |
Really? | |
Fuck yes. | |
The four boys are on the bridge with vacines, as seen in the South ParQ Vaccination Special. Past Cartman is on the phone. | |
No Mrs. Nelson, it's not a prank! Okay fine, we'll be there, just sit tight. [hangs up] | |
[indignant] What was that? You know we can't get inside the school! | |
She's not gonna come meet us, Kyle! | |
You didn't even try! [to Past Stan] He didn't try because he wants to sell the vaccine for money! | |
[looking over the river] And what about you Kyle? You were the one who was trying to take the vaccines for yourself this morning. | |
He what?? | |
Wow, okay, thought we had gotten past that, but- | |
Look, let's just face it, you guys. We don't trust each other and we don't like each other. We can't keep pretending. | |
You guys, what the hell is that? [points to where Future Clyde is approaching the bridge, armed with a gun.] | |
I'm sorry, Kyle. | |
Clyde, stop! [the young boys turn to see future Stan on the other side of the bridge, now in tinfoil, indicating he has traveled from the future.] | |
What the hell are you doing here? | |
I got in the chair right after you! This isn't the plan anymore! Do not kill Kyle! | |
What do you mean it's not the plan anymore? | |
Cartman changed his mind, | |
I did not change my mind! | |
You're trying to trick me. I'm going to save the future. [cocks the gun] | |
I don't think so, Clyde. [holds a needle to his neck, stopping him; he is also in tinfoil) This is a hundred CC's of the Covid vaccine. | |
Augh! Don't- be careful with that! | |
Then put down the gun! | |
What the fuck is going on? | |
Stan, you need to forgive Kyle, you'll regret this day for the rest of your life. | |
Oh nice try Kyle, you're such a fuckin' dickhead. | |
Fuck you, you're a fuckin' dickhead! | |
Kyle, it's true. Cartman gets a happy life but you don't. You lose everything when you lose this friendship! | |
[pushes Future Kyle while he's distracted] Enough of this crap! I'm sticking to what I believe and this kid dies now! [is shot in the chest and grunts; he is stunned] | |
[holding the murder weapon in both hands, wrapped in tinfoil] Shalom sachem, Clyde. [shoots him six more times in total] | |
[he and the kids run away] Jesus Christ! [Future Clyde falls over the bridge from the force of the sixth shot and lands on the rocks in the river, body limp and outstretched, with five exit wounds visible, four in his chest and one on his face, blood spreading in the water. He is dead. The three adult boys peer over at him.] | |
Playground. The three future boys as adults sit on a park bench, thinking over their failure. The child Timmy passes by on his wheelchair. | |
Timmah! | |
Well, I guess we saved Kyle, but... nothing else in the future has changed. | |
How do you know? | |
Because we're still here. That means Kenny still was bummed out we weren't friends, still became a scientist, went back in time and we still went in after him. | |
So then we're stuck here in the past, and we blew our chance to stop COVID. | |
I'm sorry guys, I really fucked this up. | |
We all fucked it up. These have just been... really unprecedented times. | |
Unprecedented times. | |
What I wouldn't give for just one precedented time? | |
Hey. Hey yeah. Maybe we just need one precedented time. [gets up from the chair] What if we've been trying to solve the wrong problem? Maybe my dad was right, we can't ever stop COVID from happening. But what we can control is how we all reacted to it. | |
We reacted like shit, because I was just... scared and confused and didn't know who to believe. | |
Yeah, we all were. So we all took different paths because that's what humans do, and what we needed more than anything was to just... cut each other all some slack. [Kyle and Cartman exchange a glance.] We needed to come together and act like us again. One precedented time. | |
[looks down, then up] You guys. [gets up] I know what to do. | |
Heather Williams' House. She's sitting watching TV and eating an orange creamcicle. | |
Take this, darling Terrance. [farts and they laugh; the doorbell rings and Heather gets up to answer the door, facing the future Cartman, Stan and Kyle, still in tinfoil.] | |
Heather Williams? | |
Yes? | |
Hi. We're from the future. [she's confused] We've come here to show you something very important. [Kyle takes out a pen and plays video of her farting] | |
Do you remember this, Heather? This is a picture of you... farting in PE class. | |
[stunned] I never farted in PE Class. | |
Oh, yes. You did. Two kids even smelled it and asked who farted and you said nothing. | |
I didn't fart in PE class! It was a different kid! I was just moving my hip a little bit. I didn't fart in PE! | |
Heather, Heather. Heather! Yes you did, sweet pea. | |
[realize they know] I-I happen to have a stomach condition. I don't know why you came from the future to narc on me. | |
Heather, we don't want kids to know you farted in PE. We want to help you. You just need to do exactly what we tell you. [she is shocked.] | |
Stan is walking down the streets angry, hands in his pockets. Helicopter blades are whirring. | |
[watering some grass. He has short brown neat hair and a gray shirt with a darker stripe] Hey, what is that? [points to a blue Coors-branded helicopter landing in the street. An agent walks out.] | |
Stan Marsh? | |
Me? [Neighbors have their phones out. Nobody is masked.] | |
Your presence is requested, sir. | |
Oh, cool! [he heads to the helicopter; the agent opens the doors to show Cartman, Kyle and Kenny present. There are buckets of ice with drinks. His smile fades.] | |
Get onboard, sir. There's sparkling punch and donuts. [He boards] | |
"I Forgive You" by Kelly Clarkson begins to play. The boys are sitting together in the helicopter comfortably. Cartman has a donut. | |
What's going on? | |
I have no idea. | |
Pepsi Center. The boys are welcomed in to four courtside seats at a Denver Nuggets game in progress. | |
Look we're on the Jumbotron! [the boys are framed on the jumbotron as 'Heather Williams' Special Guests as the game begins] | |
You guys I'm sorry for acting like a dick during the pandemic. | |
[touches his shoulder] I'm sorry too, dude. | |
Tegridy Farms. Randy answers the front door, but nobody is there. | |
Hello, who-who's there? [He finds a furistic box labeled DAD. Inside, there's a letter that reads - 'Everything is going to be ok now, Dad. This present is for you. Because I love you. - Stan' Randy opens the envelope attached and finds the weed plant he gave Stan in the future.] | |
Ohhhh! [he examines it under a microscrope in the barn, then performs a complex equation, plants it in the ground, waters it in a greenhoue, and eventually cuts a leaf. He runs it through a machine to create Tegridy weed, then taking a test. He looks satisfied as he lets out a breath.] | |
Holy shit balls. | |
Marsh Bedroom. Randy enters, his eyes absolutely bloodshot red. Sharon is in her pajamas reading. | |
Sharon, I'm sorry for the way I acted during the pandemic. | |
[takes of her glasses] You're not sorry, you're just high. | |
I'm both. [offers her a blunt; she raises an eyebrow] | |
Randy is in downtown South Park on Main Street with a stand, giving out weed. The bottom of the sign says 'Super Special!' | |
Here you go! It's our Post COVID Special. It's free. No really, we've all been through a lot. Come on, take it. [Sharon approaches, eyes also bloodshot, and puts down several more jars.] Thank you, baby. Come on everyone. Post COVID special! [Stan and Shelley sit in the back of the truck with the weed, looking perplexed.] Here you go folks, you all deserve this! [One of the customers is Laura Tucker] | |
The Tucker Residence. Thomas and Tricia are sitting on the couch with their phones when Laura comes downstairs with bloodstained eyes. | |
You did the best you could during the pandemic, honey. I love you. | |
[looking surprised] Huh? | |
Tweek's father Richard and Skeeter talk on Main Street. Richard has a grocery bag. Both of their masks are downn over their chins. | |
I shouldn't have yelled at you for not wearing a mask, I just didn't understand. | |
Well, maybe I should have worn a mask more often, but I- | |
No no no, I was being all high and mighty about it... | |
Stotch Residence. Butters is alone in his room playing with toys when the door swings open and Stephen and Linda are there. | |
Butters, you're not grounded anymore. Come on out, son. | |
You mean it, Dad? | |
This pandemic's been awful. We all need to just cut each other some slack. I love you, Butters. [they hug] | |
The Park. Six couples are embracing and apologizing, all high. | |
No need to be sorry. | |
I totally forgive you. | |
Oh, cut yourself some slack. | |
[a townsman with bloodstained eyes with brown hair, wearing a green jakcet over a blue shrt with brown pants entrs frame, holding a jar of Tegridy weed.] We gotta get some more of this stuff. | |
There is a setup outside Best Buy similar to a Covid testing site with lots of tents. Randy stands in one such tent with a supply of marijuana. | |
Okay next! [A townsman with dark hair in a reddish sweater comes by. Randy lights a blunt for him to get hm high, which he does, seeming to relax.. The townsman has an 'I GOT TEGRIDY' sticker on his sweater now.] | |
US Capitol building. There are protestors in front. | |
[the supporters are all high] And then we were like 'Yeah, okay, yeah, let's storm the Capitol, and then it was a bad idea, and we were just, you know, we were just going a little bonkers there, we shouldn't have stormed the capitol. | |
[also high] That's okay, that's okay! | |
A movie set full of green screens with a basketball hoop. They are filming Space Jam 2. LeBron James shows up. | |
I'm sorry I've thought about it, and I can't do Space Jam 2. I just can't support Chinese censorship. | |
[sits up in his chair] Oh yeah? Well, if you're not gonna make Space Jam 2, then I'm not gonna make Space Jam 2, and nobody's gonna make Space Jam 2! YEAH! YEAH! Yee-AHH! | |
Denny's Applebee's Max, back in the future. The previous music ends as some hoiday motifs play. The bllboard says Merry Christmas before switching back to the same Japanese woman and music. Ike approaches the entrance and then walks in. Bebe and Strong Woman are among attendees at a party. | |
[holding his gifts] Hey everybody! I'm home, guy! | |
Hey! Ike! | |
[aproaches him] Ike, hi! You made it back! | |
Well, of course, I wouldn't miss Canadian Boxing Day, buddy! | |
Hey everyone, Stan's back! [He enters dressed in a Space Force dress uniform.] | |
Hey, Stan! Hey! | |
[cheerful] Hey guys! | |
[rushes forward and hugs him] Good to see you, buddy! How was everything on Mars? | |
Really cool, but I'm so glad to be home. How are the kids? | |
Uncle Stan! | |
[hugs the kids as they hug him as well] There's the little ragamuffins! [smiles] Mom! | |
Hi Stanley! [they embrace] | |
It's Mom! And Shelley! | |
[smiling as he hugs her] Why are you acting all weird, turd? | |
I don't know. For some reason, I'm just extra happy to see you guys! [hugs them both] | |
[off screen] Hey, look who's here! It's Kenny! [Kenny waves as he enters, all the attendees waving or looking at him.] | |
[embracing him and Kyle as Kenny smiles] Kenny, what have you been up to, buddy? | |
Didn't you hear? Kenny just won the Nobel Prize for combining dark matter and breast implants! | |
Oh, you old dog! | |
Hey everybody, he's on! [turning up the television on the remote] | |
[back on his late night show] What a fantastic audience, wow. What is up with all these bisexual Canadians, huh? I guess they don't know whether to fuck their brother or their sister? [everyone laughs] | |
[walks up behind him] Hey Stan! | |
[turns around] Wendy, you're back from Harvard! | |
Yeah, just here for the holidays. You wanna maybe... spend New Years together again? | |
I'd love that. | |
[comes in the middle with a tray of food in a future servers' uniform] Hey fellas! Can I offer you some pupus? Thanks for choosing Denny's Applebee's for your party! | |
Butters, you're still working here, huh? | |
Yep! I just made manager! I love doing actual shit that pays actual money! | |
Hey, Stan, can you come here for a second? | |
What's the matter, dude? [everyone's smiles fade] | |
Dude, he's here. | |
Cartman? [Kyle leads Stan over to a window.] Man, poor Cartman. [Cartman is across the street, dressed similarly to his childhood attire, drinking a bottle of whiskey and drunk. He is surrounded by several bags of garbage and a shopping cart full of it, including Cheesy Poofs, with a sign that says 'HOMELESS; FUCK YOU!'] | |
Fuck you guys! You can suck my fucking dick! Fuck you! [flips them off] | |
It's so sad he never did anything with his life. | |
[flips them both off] Fuck you, Kyle! Fuck you, Stan! | |
Hey, come on, fellas, we can't spend another holiday feeling bad for Eric. There's nothing that could have changed the path he was on. | |
[flips him off] Fuck you, Butters! | |
[flips back] Fuck you, Eric! | |
The party attendees come together for a toast; the Goth Kids, PC Principal, Douglas, Nathan, Mimsy, Craig and Tweek can all be seen now as party attendees. | |
Well, everyone, I just want to make a toast. I don't know what got us through the pandemic and made all our futures so very bright, but... whatever it was, may we have it for the rest of our days. | |
[walks out on a crutch and raises a glass as well] God bless us, everyone! | |
Cheers! | |
[as text appears onscreen] Remember, folks, weed can't solve all your problems, but tegridy can. Tegridy Weeeed. | |
Fin de South Park: Post Covid: Le Retour du Covid |