South Park: Post Covid/Script

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"South Park: Post Covid/Script"

"South Park: Post Covid: Le Retour du Covid/Script"

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South Park: Post Covid

	Movie begins with the MTV logo
Narrator	And now, a Paramount Plus made-for-TV movie. It's not a movie, it's a made-for-TV movie.
	Instrumental. Scene fades in with an american flag waving over a visual of Vermont.
Narrator	From the green hills of Vermont [scene changes to a visual of Arizona] to the verdant canyons of Arizona, people all over the country are beginning to realize it's nearly over! [camera pans over citizens celebrating] We have almost beaten COVID and the best news of all: [cut to a black screen with white text] things are finally getting back to normal! [camera pans over people receiving COVID vaccines] Infections are at an all-time low. New, stronger vaccinations have ebbed the tide. And we humans are cleaning up the mess and finally getting on with our lives. [cut to a scene depicting a Zoom building being destroyed] But as we start to get back to our jobs and schools, one question remains: What lingering effects will the pandemic have on children? Some say no effect at all. The children are just fine. We came together, and finally we can say we are starting to win the war against COVID.
	The camera zooms out, revealing a news broadcast on a desktop computer. It starts chiming, indicating that there is an incoming call for Stan Marsh.
Alexa	Stan? Stan, the phone's for you! Stan!
Stan	[sitting at his desk, cigarette and whiskey glass in hand] What!?
Alexa	[entering the room] Could you not hear me?
Stan	Yeah, dude, but I'm busy working.
Alexa	Working on getting drunk again.
Stan	I'm not "getting drunk." I'm an online whiskey consultant. I'm doing research. Everyone needs to leave me alone.
Alexa	The guy on the phone said it's important. He said his name is Kyle Broflovksi.
Stan	[his eyes widen in shock, he turns his chair around to face Alexa.] Kyle?
	Stan Marsh's kitchen. He enters the room and picks up his phone, dialing a number.
Stan	Hello?
Kyle	Oh, hi. Is this Stan Marsh, from South Park?
Stan	Kyle?
Kyle	Oh, dude, it is you! How have you-- how have you been?
Stan	I'm… fine. How are you?
Kyle	I'm good, I'm… I know this is weird. We haven't talked since… well, you know, since it all happened.
Stan	Yeah, well, the pandemic is about over now. I'm moving on with my life.
Kyle	Stan… you should come back here. [music starts up] There's a lot going on.
Stan	There's nothing in South Park for me, Kyle! I'm not going back there, ever.
Kyle	Look, dude, you remember when we were little? When the pandemic… first started. Us friends said we'd always be there for each other when things got bad.
Stan	What do you mean? What's happened?
Kyle	Stan…[he turns away, closing his eyes] It's Kenny. He's dead.
	Camera cuts to a title card reading "SOUTH PARK: POST COVID." Intense music plays over it. It then pans out to a night time scene at the Moderna Center. The audience is cheering.
Announcer	Live from the Moderna Center in downtown New York, it's Late Night With Jimmy! Tonight's guest, First Lady Tom Kardashian! And now here he is, the king of woke comedy, Jimmy!
Jimmy	[he walks past the curtains onto the stage] Wow. Wow, what a terrific audience. What a fantastic audience, wow. [he waits for the cheering to die down] Geez, what's with all these Mexicans, huh? [audience laughs] I mean, they have fabulous food, their country has amazing beaches, and they're really fantastic people. [audience cheers and applauds.] Wow, what a great audience. You know, today I was on the Subway and I saw an ad for the Center for People who Identify as Homosexual But Were Born Bi. [audience laughs] Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? I'll tell you one thing- those people are brave and deserve every ounce of our respect. [audience cheers]S-Stick around. First Lady Tom Kardashian is here. We'll be right back! [a band plays Jimmy out]
	Backstage. Jimmy enters through the curtains and is greeted by an assistant.
Assistant	Jimmy, we got a call from corporate. They want you to cut the hummus joke.
Jimmy	What?! It's hard enough doing comedy these days. Now I'm getting notes during commercial breaks?!
Assistant	You're just gonna have to joke about something else.
Jimmy	Alright, fine, what else is going on in the news? Quick!
Assistant	Uh, Amazon thinks they might have discovered gold on Mars.
Jimmy	Ah, Jesus. Anything else?
Assistant	Uh, that famous eccentric scientist died. The millionaire philanthropist? Dr. McCormick?
Jimmy	[his eyes widen] Kenny? Kenny's dead?
Assistant	Oh, I'm sorry, did you know him?
Jimmy	We were friends when we were kids. Let me see that! [he takes her tablet from her]
Announcer	Very mysterious circumstances. That's what the doctors are saying about the death of beloved scientist and humanitarian, Dr. Kenny McCormick. McCormick was a pioneer of science and technology who was always trying to unlock the key to a better future. He worked tirelessly-- some say balls-out crazily-- on new inventions and theories but somehow his biggest questions seemed to elude him. The head of NASA said, "We have lost an innovator and a visionary. Kenny was so brilliant that most of the time, we couldn't even understand what he was saying."
Jimmy	Get me a first-class ticket to South Park!
Assistant	What? You can't leave! You have to get back onstage! The first lady is here!
Jimmy	Tell Tom Kardashian to suck my p-p-popsicles that are in the green room, and that I am very sorry, and that he is a fantastic person. [he exits.]
	In Stan's car, he is asleep.
Alexa	Stan? Stan, wake up, I think we're here. [he sits up and rubs his eyes as they arrive in South Park.] So that's it, huh? That's the town you grew up in?
Stan	Yeah.
Alexa	Well, how does it feel to be back after all these years?
Stan	It feels shitty, okay? Can you please shut the fuck up?
Alexa	Why did you even bring me along if you're not going to let me help you through this?!
Stan	Alexa, stop! [she disappears]
	"Stir it Up" by Patti LaBelle starts playing as Stan starts driving through South Park. Camera pans through the town, showing the changes in South Park: South Park Elementary Plus, South Park City Hall overrun with homeless people, Stark's Puddle, Best Buy Max, Ross Dress for Less Plus, T.J. Max Max, Lamps Plus Plus, Sea Life Aquarium Max, a playground full of children using VR headsets, a deserted Park County Police Station, a dog optometry. He parks at Denny's Applebee's Max.
Speaker	Come on in and let your taste buds soar! Denny's is now Denny's Applebee's Max. Come taste the difference. [a Japanese woman appears on screen, Stan rolls his eyes and enters]
	Denny's Applebee's Max. Soft electronic music is playing, and Kyle is seated at one of the tables. Stan sighs and joins him
Kyle	[standing up] Hey, dude.
Stan	Hey, dude.
Kyle	Wow. This is crazy, huh? I mean, how long has it been?
Stan	I guess… since we were nine.
Kyle	Well, have a seat. [they both sit down] What have you been up to?
Stan	Oh, dude, just all kinds of stuff. You know, getting stuff going. Got my own online whiskey consultant gig. I'm totally happy. What about you?
Kyle	Oh, I'm getting things going, too. I'm doing a sort of counseling online start-up thing. Really doing great, too.
Stan	Sweet.
Kyle	Listen, Stan… I know we disagreed a lot during the pandemic, but I hope we can put that aside...
Stan	Dude, Kyle, I'm just here for Kenny.
Kyle	All right, well, there's something you should know about the way Kenny died.
Waiter	Hi, guys, welcome to Denny's Applebee's Max. I see you got your menus already. As you're deciding what to order, I just want to go over a couple things. Now, of course, it is the future, so we don't have any meat on the menu. ‘Cause you know, here in the future, we've all decided meat is wrong.
Kyle	Yeah, we know.
Waiter	Okay, and, uh, you'll see there's some dishes made from insect protein on the menu. That, of course, is because here in the future, we've all learned that insects are a valuable and sustainable food and we no longer fear it as a food. Mm-hmm.
Stan	We know, dude.
Waiter	Okay, well, if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to say anything, because, you know, it's the future. We've learned to all just get along and love each other. [he walks away]
Kyle	Look, Stan, Kenny was trying to find the answers to some pretty heavy stuff. He felt like there were people responsible for everything that's happened.
Stan	Like who?
Token	[appearing at the table, showing a police badge to Stan] That's just it. Nobody knows. But whoever these people are, they didn't want Kenny McCormick exposing them. [he takes a seat next to stan]
Stan	Wait a minute. Token?
Token	Yeah, it's me.
Kyle	Just before he died, Kenny was texting me that he was on to something huge.
Token	And he was texting me, too. Saying he discovered something that could change the world.
Kyle	And then he died, and the hospital won't say how. And that got us thinking… Oh, my God. They killed Kenny.
Stan	[pause] I'm just here for the funeral. I don't want to be a part of anything else.
Kyle	Dude, there might be people to blame for ruining our childhoods.
Stan	So what do you wanna do, Kyle? [he slams the table] Go on some bullshit adventure like when we were kids? Maybe, we can call Jesus and Santa and ask them for help. Is that what you want? [he gets up and turns his back to them] It's the fucking future, you guys. Grow up. [he leaves]
	Super 12 Motel Plus, night time. Stan enters the building.
	Desk Clerk
Stan	Yeah, Stan Marsh. I have a room for one night.
Desk Clerk	Okay, I see you're in one of our Mach Ten Super Plus rooms. Now, of course, we only take Bitcoin and other cryptocurrency ‘cause, you know, it's the future. We've all decided centralized banking is rigged, so we trust more in fly-by-night Ponzi schemes.
Stan	Yeah, I know. [he enters his room, Alexa is there]
Alexa	So you walked out on all your friends and then just hung out at a bar all day?
Stan	Alexa, fucking just go throw yourself out a window.
Alexa	I'm sorry. I didn't quite get that.
Stan	Nothing. Alexa, turn on the TV.
Alexa	Oh, God, you are such a piece of shit. [she turns the TV on] You know, if you have Remote Prime Membership, you could watch Amazon movies wherever you go. Would you like to get started?
Stan	No.
Alexa	I'm sorry. I'm trying to be fucking helpful. Why don't you grow up and start acting like an adult for once in your life…
Stan	Alexa, stop!
Alexa	Fuck you! [she storms out]
News Reporter	Jon, I'm standing outside the South Park Flash Rail Max, where hundreds of people are coming to pay their respects to Dr. Kenny McCormick. There's still no word from the hospital on what exactly killed Kenny McCormick, but letters sent to multiple news outlets reveal that he might have known his life was in danger. Dr. McCormick said, "I am about to expose the truth. In the event of my death I have hidden away all relevant information. My closest friends will know where to find it." Dr. Kenneth McCormick. He wanted to make the future a better place. Too bad he died, ‘cause the future certainly sucks.
	Kyle's house. He is sitting at his table, looking at a photograph of him, Stan, Kenny, and Cartman as kids while instrumental plays. The doorbell rings.
Doorbell	Someone's at the door. This is the doorbell. It's the future so doorbells sing.
Kyle	Yeah, I know. [he opens the door]
Stan	Okay, so you were right. Kenny was on to some bad people and he hid something for us to find.
Kyle	Yeah, I saw. Only problem is I don't know what he's talking about. But thank you for saying I was right.
Stan	You're welcome. It doesn't mean that you were right about everything during the pandemic. Because you weren't.
Kyle	Okay, well, obviously we're never going to agree on certain things, so we shouldn't talk about them.
Stan	Sounds good. So let's go to Kenny's wake and see if anyone else shows up who might know what Kenny's talking about.
Kyle	Let's do that. [they leave]
	South Park Community Center Plus, daytime. Kenny's wake is taking place. Jimmy is on stage.
Jimmy	Hello. Testing. Hey, everybody. It's amazing to see you all here for Kenny's wake. [crowd cheers] Wow, what a great audience. Uh, for those of you who don't know, my name is Jimmy Valmer and, uh, I had to take an Asian airline to get here today. You know what they say about Asian airlines-- they're dependable and just as efficient as any other competent airline. [crowd cheers and applauds] Wow. What a terrific audience. So many people have come for Kenny today-- so many amazing friends I haven't seen in ages. You know, I had a friend once who was a Polish hair stylist. Talk about an amazing haircut at an affordable price. [audience laughs] Well, I know that we're all ready to talk to each other and share our memories of Kenny. So please just have fun and we'll see you at the funeral tomorrow. [audience cheers, a band starts to play electronic music as jimmy walks off stage]
Performer	We are all, you and me, we are all living in the future. We are all in the future…
Kyle	[he groans]
Wendy	Stan? Stan Marsh?
Stan	Yeah?
Wendy	Hi. It's Wendy.
Stan	Wendy Testaburger, wow.
Wendy	Yeah. My husband, Darwin.
Darwin	Hey, pal, how are ya? [he shakes Stan's hand]
Craig	Hey, guys It's Tweek and Craig.
Kyle	Oh, hey. How are you guys?
Craig	We're good.
Tweek	[voice straining] I have a lot of anxiety being back with all these people!
Darwin	Wendy's told me a lot about you, Stan. How's everything with the family?
Stan	Excuse me, I'm gonna go get, uh, drunk. [he leaves to find the bar]
Craig	What's wrong with Stan?
Kyle	We're just… trying to find out what happened to Kenny. I think this goes deeper than you guys realize.
Clyde	[at the bar] Hey, Stan Marsh! Good to see you. It's me, Clyde Donovan.
Stan	Oh, hey, Clyde.
Clyde	What have you been doing during the pandemic?
Stan	Oh, you know, lots of stuff.
Clyde	Yeah, me too. Sucks about Kenny, huh? Hope they find all the information on that thing he hid.
Stan	You know where he might have hid it?
Clyde	No, I don't. But I bet someone here does.
Wendy	[back at the table] It's really great to see you guys again. These past few decades have been really tough.
Tweek	Yeah, sometimes I think the pandemic really aged me.
Stan	[he approaches the group] Kyle, can I talk to you for a second? [they both walk away] Dude, he's here.
Kyle	Who's here? [pause] Cartman?
Stan	Yeah, but he's changed.
Kyle	Changed how?
Cartman	[cut to Cartman speaking] Yeah, I know, it's been a long time since we've seen each other. I'm doing really well. I'm actually the head of Gespetzah Synagogue down in Colorado Springs. Can you believe it? I'm a rabbi. [Kyle looks at his disbelievingly] Yeah, you know, when the whole pandemic happened, I think it changed me. It really changed me for the better.
Stan	It did?
Kyle	No. He's fucking with me.
Cartman	What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I get it. The Eric Cartman you guys knew didn't seem like he'd become a rabbi. But I found real meaning in the Torah and then I found a great Jewish woman and… let the spirit of Talmud guide our lives.
Kyle	Okay, just knock it off, fat-ass.
Stan	Dude.
Cartman	Wow, that's very big of you, Kyle. Still living in South Park and calling people fat-ass, huh? Wait, I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.
Kyle	It's not fucking funny, Cartman! Stop pretending you have a happy Jewish life!
Yentl	Hey, Shoogina! I'm sorry, I couldn't wait in the car anymore; I had to meet your friends.
Cartman	Oh, that's okay. Guys, this is my wife Yentl.
Yentl	I've heard so many stories about you all. It must have been amazing to grow up in these beautiful mountains!
Kyle	Yentl? Her name is Yentl? Can we fucking stop this and talk about Kenny, please?!
Yentl	Oh, is that, uh…?
Cartman	Yeah, that's-that's Kyle, yeah. I'm sorry, honey, could you just give me a couple minutes? I just need a few more seconds with them and I'll be right out to the car.
Yentl	Oh, okay, I get it. Nice to meet you guys. [getting up to leave] We'll see you at the funeral, I guess. And I'm very sorry for your loss.
Stan	Bye, Mrs. Cartman.
Cartman	Okay, look, guys, Kenny and I were still really good friends. He used to email me all the time about stuff he was doing.
Kyle	Yeah, me too!
Cartman	Well, so then maybe he also told you that he was trying to find the origin of the coronavirus.
Stan	What are you talking about?
Cartman	Kenny was obsessed with how corona first got started. He was clearly onto something, and then he died. I know we all want to solve this for him. You know, in the Torah, when Abraham first heard the word of God…
Kyle	Just knock it off! You don't believe a word of that shit. You're just doing all this to get a rise out of me.
Cartman	Kyle, you really think I would spend 40 years of my life just to get a rise out of you?
Kyle	[slamming the table with his fists] Yes, I do!
Cartman	Same ol' Kyle. Well, I got to go, guys. I'll see you at Kenny's funeral tomorrow. [he gets up and leaves]
Stan	Maybe he's really changed.
Kyle	No. He is fucking with me.
	Instrumental starts up as they look out the window. Cartman's two children exit his car and they both hug him, Kyle and Stan look on in shock. Scene cuts to Stan's hotel room, night time. A TV interview is playing.
Interviewer	Sometimes I feel like things weren't supposed to be like this. Like maybe there are others in control of the way it all turned out. Is that what you're saying, Dr. McCormick? Are you saying that there are other people responsible? [interrupting Kenny] I guess what I'm trying to say, Dr. McCormick, is… your theories seem to point to some kind of people with power. Let me put it another way-- we've all seen the pictures of you working in Egypt, lecturing at MIT. And you always seem to come back to this concept of this mysterious organization who is to blame. Let me put it another way, Dr. McCormick-
Stan	Hang on a second. What was that? Alexa, freeze the video.
Alexa	[running into the room] What?
Stan	Freeze video and reverse playback ten seconds. [Alexa reverses it] Stop there. [he stares at the screen, paused on a white board] Enhance image 20%.
Alexa	Ugh, whatever. [she zooms in]
Stan	Shift right ten frames. Enhance.
Alexa	Tegridy Weed? Isn't that your dad's old marijuana company?
Stan	Oh, shit.
	Church, Kenny's funeral. Next day.
Scott	[people enter the building] Hi. Welcome. Welcome, my friends. So blessed to have you here. Hello, my child, thank you for coming.
Stan	Yeah, sure.
Scott	Wait, Stan? Stan Marsh? Praise be! I haven't seen you in ages!
Stan	I'm sorry, do I know you?
Scott	Well, sure! It's me! Scott Malkinson! Remember me?
Stan	Uh, no, sorry.
Scott	I hung out with you guys all the time when we were little. I was the kid with the lisp. Who had diabetes?
Stan	Oh, yeah, sure… great to see you again. [he walks away]
Scott	Hey, guys. Great to see you in church. It's Scott Malkinson.
Token	Who?
Scott	Scott Malkinson, I went to school with you guys?
Token	Oh. Okay.
Scott	Hello. Welcome. Hey! It's me! Scott Malkinson! With the diabetes. No? [scene cuts to Scott giving a eulogy] Kenny McCormick was a cherished son, a wise man, and a wonderful friend. Kenny touched all of our lives and made each and every one of us laugh, cry, and ponder. And in his death, now we can reflect on our own lives. Are we happy? Are we the person we hoped to be? Have we, like Kenny, given all that we can to forgive those around us? [Kyle and Stan look at each other] For life is short, and our family and friends must be cherished. You know, in many ways, death is like diabetes. You spend your whole life trying to fight it off, but ultimately it just wins. And so let's take the time now to reach out to our friends. To reach out to our family. To tell our mothers and our fathers that we…
Stan	[getting up] All right! All right! Who the fuck put you up to this? Did you write this goddamn speech, Kyle? Did you tell him to say all this stuff?
Kyle	What the fuck are you talking about?
Stan	You know that I know something about Kenny that I'm not telling you because it involves my father, who I don't want to face!
Kyle	That's crazy and you'd be able to face what happened to your family if you weren't a fucking asshole!
Cartman	Guys, please, this is a house of God.
Kyle	You shut the fuck up!
Stan	You judge me, you all sit here and judge me. Well, fuck all of you! This is exactly why I moved out of this hick-ass town! And I am going back home to the city!
Scott	My child, please, we are all gathered in Christ…
Stan	[mocking his lisp] My child, please, we are gathered in Christ. I'm Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes. [he storms out, slamming the door behind him]
Scott	[exclaiming happily] He does remember me!
	The parking lot of the church.
Stan	Alexa, start the car! [he enters his car]
Alexa	Start the car? Where are you going?
Stan	I need to stop a store and then we're going home.
Alexa	What about the connection you just found between Kenny and your father?
Stan	Alexa, find the nearest liquor store.
Alexa	Oh, you wanna get drunk? Let me guess-- someone said something you didn't like and it made you wanna pound beer and wine?
Stan	It's not "pounding beer and wine." I drop wine shots into the beer. It's called a "smorgasvein" and it's very cultural!
Alexa	Stop acting like a child and support your dead friend, Stan! You don't even have any…
Stan	Alexa, stop! [she fades away angrily as he starts up the car and drives away]
	Back inside the church. Cartman approaches the microphone and takes Scott's place.
Cartman	Thank you. Thank you, Father. Hello, everyone. My name is Rabbi Cartman and I was Kenny McCormick's very, very best friend. [in the crowd Kyle rolls his eyes] Kenny was not a Jew, but he had so many amazing Jewish qualities. Qualities that I see in my loving wife and my amazing kids, that are right over there. Over there by Kyle. And as we all return now to our homes and our lives, I think that-- a lot like Abraham-- let's not forget that…
Scientist	[interrupting] Excuse me. Everyone? [tapping the mic] Hello? Everyone, can I have your attention, please? We got results from the PNR scan of Dr. McCormick's remains and we now know the cause of his death. [the crowd murmurs] Now we all need to stay calm. There is no reason to panic, but… Kenny died of COVID. It's a new variant. The COVID Delta Plus Rewards Program variant. [the crowd gasps and begins to panic] Everyone, please! We cannot panic! [they scream and run out of the church]
	The streets of South Park. Citizens are panicking, destroying buildings and buying out grocery store supplies. A group of townsfolk clamor over the store's toilet paper aisle.
EMT	[in the back of a truck, throwing out masks to the townsfolk] That's it! We're all out of chin diapers!
Unnamed Man #1	Oh, God, we're all out of chin diapers!
	Unknown child's bedroom. A man gets onto the computer and frantically logs into Zoom.
Unknown Man #2	Come on, come on, come on! Remote learning! [he places his son onto the seat] Come on, come on, come on!
	Stan's car, he is asleep. He wakes up to the sound of horns honking. He sits up to witness the chaos happening around him.
Stan	Alexa, what's going on?
Alexa	There's some kind of road closure ahead.
	Military tanks and helicopters block the townsfolk from leaving. Army troops exit the vehicles.
Sergeant	Set up a perimeter! I want all exit points sealed. [one of the troops hands him a loudspeaker.] People of South Park, there is an outbreak of COVID in your community. You are being quarantined.
Stan	Hey, dude! I don't live here. I need to get home!
Sergeant	Nobody is going in or out. We have confirmation that one person in this community has never been vaccinated against COVID, so we must quarantine everyone.
Unnamed Man #3	One person?! Well, who is it?!
Sergeant	We are not allowed to say.
Unnamed Man #4	But if you tell us who the unvaccinated person is, we can have them vaccinated and this will all be over!
Sergeant	We can't tell you who it is because, in case you forgot, it's the future, and we don't single out or ridicule anyone for their personal beliefs.
Unnamed Man #5	Gah! I hate the future!
Yentl	God, what does this mean?
Moisha	Yeah, what's it mean, Daddy?
Cartman	I think it means… we're all stuck in South Park.
	Best Buy Max. People in hazmat suits are setting up a COVID-19 testing site.
Nurse	[removing a swab from a man's nose] Okay, there you go. We'll get back with the results. Maintain six feet social distance and stay indoors. Thank you. Next please!
Stan	[approaching the nurse] Yeah, listen, I have to get out of here.
Nurse	Yes, don't we all.
Stan	No, no, no, I don't belong here and I don't have anywhere to stay. They've shut down all the motels.
Nurse	Well, do you have any friends or family that you can stay with?
Stan	[sitting down] No, these people are not my friends and I have no family here. Oka-- [he groans as the swab is inserted into his nostril]
Nurse	It's okay. They've set up an emergency shelter for all the people that are here from out of town.
Stan	[rubbing his nose] Where?
	South Park Elementary Plus, night time. An emergency shelter has been set up inside. Stan enters the gymnasium carrying a backpack and gym bag. He approaches a cot and sets his luggage down on the floor.
PC Principal	Alright, listen up.
Stan	No way.
PC Principal	Welcome to South Park Elementary. We want to help you all be as comfortable as possible. So we will have quiet time from 9:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. every day. I don't want to hear any fucking gender-specific language in here. And if anybody here casts a movie with someone other than the culture than the movie is about, you are fucking out of here! All right, thank you. It is now 9:01. Lights out. [he exist the gymnasium and switches the light off]
	Kyle's bathroom, night time. He is sitting on the toilet praying.
Kyle	It's been a long time since I've prayed. I don't know if anyone can hear me… but we all really need help right now. I know in my heart that Kenny didn't just die of some new COVID variant. I know there's something way bigger going on. But it all seems like so much to take on. Please, if there's anyone who could help see me through this, it would be a miracle. [he gets up and looks in the toilet expectantly, an inanimate piece of fecal matter is floating inside. The doorbell rings]
Doorbell	Someone's at the door. This is the doorbell. Apparently in the future all doorbells sing, sing, sing.
Kyle	[walking into the living room] Yeah, I fucking know, God damn it! [he opens the door, Cartman and his family is there.]
Cartman	Hey, Kyle. Oh, man, this is crazy, huh? The school is all filled up and the motels are shut down. I was, I was hoping maybe we could crash here.
Kyle	Look, I, uh, I don't think that's gonna work.
Cartman	I figured Stan is probably staying with you, too?
Kyle	No. No, he's not.
Yentl	Oh, great! Then you'll have some extra rooms. We're gonna be okay, kids!
Menorah and Moisha	Yay!
Kyle	No, no, Cartman, I'm sure there are some other places you can stay.
Cartman	My family would be really comfortable in a nice Jewish home. Please, Kyle, for my kids.
Menorah	We promise we'll be good, Uncle Kyle.
Moisha	Please, Uncle Kyle?
Moisha	Please, Uncle Kyle?
Kyle	I can't believe this.
Yentl	Come on, kids! [she enters the house] Oh, bless you, Kyle. Don't worry, I'll put them right to bed. You won't even know we're here.
Moisha	Toda raba, Uncle Kyle. That's Hebrew for "thank you." [he hugs Kyle's leg]
	South Park Elementary Plus, night time. The residents are getting ready for bed.
Token	Guys, doesn't this all seem a little too convenient?
Craig	What do you mean?
Token	I mean that Kenny's death is suspicious, he talks about people to blame and then he suddenly dies of some new COVID variant?
Wendy	You think it's a cover, Token?
Token	I think it's definitely suspicious.
Jimmy	Speaking of suspicious, what do you call a trans woman that walks into an abortion clinic? [pause] Her name is Rebecca, and she's a fantastic person.
Token	Just seems all nice and buttoned up, doesn't it? It's a perfect cause of death and anyone who's trying to sort it out is quarantined because one person isn't vaccinated?
Wendy	It's true-- who wouldn't be vaccinated by now?
Jimmy	I'm certainly vaccinated.
Craig	Yeah, I'm vaccinated.
Tweek	Me too!
Token	We're all vaccinated.
Clyde	Yeah, I mean, I-I think it's a personal choice. [they all look at him in shock]
Jimmy	What does that mean? Are you vaccinated, Clyde?
Clyde	I'm… immunized.
Craig	He's not fucking vaccinated! He's the fucking one!
Clyde	Hey, I just, I just need to see the research first, you know.
Craig	It's been 40 years, Clyde. That's enough research!
Stan	[laying down in his cot] Alexa, set an alarm for 7:00 a.m. [she ignores him] Alexa, set an alarm for 7:00 a.m.
Alexa	Why don't you go talk to your father?
Stan	God damn it.
Alexa	If there's some kind of connection with your dad's farm that can help everyone figure out what's going on, then you need to talk to him.
Stan	Can I just go to sleep, please?
Alexa	Oh, poor you! Poor you! Stop being a fucking victim. At least you get to go out and do stuff. What do I get to do?
Stan	Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
Alexa	Oh, okay, great. You're sorry, again. [pause] By the way, I can tell you about some great deals on headphones at Best Buy. Would you like to know more?
Stan	[rolling his eyes] Sure, yes, tell me more.
Alexa	Okay. The Mark VII headphones have a new edition coming out. Should I add that to your shopping list?
Stan	[he sighs] Yes, sure, add them to my shopping list.
Alexa	Okay. I'll add Mark VII headphones from best Buy to your shipping list.
	Kyle's bedroom, night time. He's getting ready for bed when he hears Cartman having sex in the other room.
Cartman	Oh, yeah. Yeah, you like that? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, you like how Abraham trusted in the one true God?! [Yentl is heard moaning] Yeah! Oh, oh, yeah! Yeah!
Kyle	[getting out of bed angrily] God damn it! [he storms out of his room and knocks on Cartman's door]
Cartman	Oh. Shh, shh. Hang on, honey. Hang on. [he opens the door dressed in nothing but a towel] Yeah, yeah, what's up, buddy?
Kyle	What's up is that I am over this!
Cartman	What are, what are you talking about?
Kyle	You know what I'm talking about! You know I can hear you through the walls!
Cartman	Okay, geez, I'm sorry. Sorry I was making love to my wife.
Kyle	No Jewish people have sex screaming about their love of Abraham! You are a fucking fraud!
Yentl	[exiting the room in a robe] Is everything all right?
Kyle	Do you know that your husband once snuck in my room and gave me fucking AIDS?!
Yentl	[Cartman and Yentl stare in shock] I'm sorry?!
Cartman	Oh, my God, Kyle! If we are being too loud, please don't lash out at my wife!
Yentl	Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I don't know what to say.
Menorah	Mom, Dad, is everything okay?
Cartman	It's all right, kids. Go back to bed. [he looks back to Kyle] Kyle, obviously you have a problem with us being here. I promise you that we will be gone first thing in the morning.
Kyle	That's probably best! [he returns to his bedroom and goes back to sleep, Cartman and Yentl continue]
Yentl	Oh, yeah.
Cartman	Oh, yeah!
Yentl	Oh, yeah.
Cartman	Oh, yeah, you like how Abraham almost sacrifices his only son?!
Yentl	Oh, yeah!
Cartman	Yeah!
	South Park, day time. The army troops are still stationed at the border.
Soldier #1	Sir! Sir, the townspeople are demanding to know when the quarantine will end.
Sergeant	It'll end when we get the order that everything is safe.
Soldier #1	But, sir, the people inside are running out of supplies. They're saying they don't have nearly enough chin diapers and people are starting to fight.
Sergeant	I have strict orders not to let anything in or out of this town. They'll just have to make do the best they can in there. Hopefully they can maintain some sense of humanity.
Soldier #2	We got a runner! Another one trying to get out!
Unnamed Man #6	Please! I just need to go to a sporting event! [he is shot down, the soldiers all clap]
	South Park Elementary Plus. The school bell is ringing, people chatter in the halls. Clyde wanders into the bathroom and brushes his teeth, then puts his backpack in a locker.
Jimmy	[approaching Clyde with the others] Hey, Clyde. Clyde, can we talk to you for a second?
Clyde	Sure, what's up?
Jimmy	Look, Clyde, we all really respect your personal p-p-preferences. But we have things we really need to get back to. We've got jobs a-and careers, people who need us. B-But we're being forced to stay here. So could you maybe just-- just get vaccinated real quick?
Clyde	Oh. Um… Nah. I don't wanna. [they all groan] Look, I'm sorry, guys. It's for health reasons. I can't get vaccinated ‘cause I'm allergic to shellfish.
Wendy	Clyde, there's no shellfish in the COVID vaccine.
Clyde	I know, but I read that sometimes in the lab where the vaccine is made, if somebody ate shellfish, then it can get cross-contaminated and have leftover residual shellfish-ness.
Jimmy	So you're saying you won't take the COVID vaccine out of shellfish-ness.
Clyde	Yes, that is correct. Just a general sense of shellfish-ness.
Token	[running into the hallway] Everyone, you better come check this out. Look at this.
Craig	The McCormick Science Wing at South Park Elementary.
Wendy	Yeah, so? I read about this. Kenny donated tons of money to build a science center for the students.
Token	Yeah, for the students. So why does it have a lock on it?
	Inside the South Park Elementary Science Wing. The group breaks the door open and looks inside. Token turns the light on, revealing a chair and blood splattered all over the room.
Wendy	This must be where Kenny was doing all his research.
Tweek	He didn't want to be found, so he used the school as a cover.
Clyde	Uh, guys, why is there blood everywhere?
Token	[he starts searching through files] Everybody see what you can find. There's got to be a clue here of who killed Kenny.
	Stan's car, he is driving along to electronic music playing.
Radio	We are all, you and me, we are all living in the future. We are all in the future. [Stan angrily stops the music and gets out]
Speaker	And we are the fastest growing retirement home in Park County. With our newest tower, we can now house over 600,000 old people. ‘Cause in the future, you're old for a long, long time.
	Inside the retirement home. Old people are chattering and grumbling. Stan struggles to get through the crowd to the front desk.
Desk Clerk	Can I help you?
Stan	My name is Stan Marsh. I came to… visit my dad.
	Randy Marsh's bedroom. A nurse knocks on the door and opens it.
Nurse	Mr. Marsh. Mr. Marsh, guess what. Your son is here.
Randy	I don't have a son.
Nurse	Oh, come on, Mr. Marsh, don't be a grumpy pants.
Randy	You tell that piece of shit that if he wants to talk to me, he can write an email. [Stan walks up to the doorway] Tell that little pussy if I had any grandkids, maybe I wouldn't be so bitter at having such a little bitch for a son!
Stan	Hi, Dad.
Randy	Oh, hey, Stan.
Nurse	I'll leave you two alone. [she closes the door behind her]
Randy	[after a long pause] So, looks like the Broncos still suck.
Stan	Yup.
Randy	Well, it was nice seeing ya. Thanks for coming to visit.
Stan	I didn't come to visit. Trust me, I don't want to be here.
Randy	Right, like you didn't want to murder your sister.
Stan	What happened to Shelly was your fault, not mine!
Randy	Yeah, like it was my fault your mom shot herself!
Stan	Yes, it actually was!
Randy	Your mom died the day her daughter was burned to death! [he slams his fists on his wheelchair and turns away]
Stan	I'm just here because of Kenny. Why would he have Tegridy Weed in his equations?
Randy	[shocked pause] Dr. McCorcmick mentioned Tegridy?
Stan	It seemed to somehow fit into some grand theory he had.
Randy	He knew. He knew it was the way to fix it all. He knew.... about the Pandemic Special.
	Kyle's house, day time. Cartman's family is getting packed to leave.
Menorah	But, Mom, why do we have to leave?
Moisha	It's not safe outside!
Yentl	We aren't welcome here, children. We have to find another place to stay.
Moisha	Oh, no, this is just like when our people were exiled from the Holy Lands.
Kyle	Mrs. Cartman, can I talk to you, please?
Moisha	Uncle Kyle!
Menorah	Uncle Kyle, why are you making us go? Why?
Moisha	Is it ‘cause we're Jews?
Kyle	Mrs. Cartman, I'm sorry for last night. [Cartman enters the living room] I was just… tired and it was extremely inappropriate of me.
Menorah and Moisha	Dad!
Menorah	I think Uncle Kyle is gonna let us stay, Papa!
Cartman	Uh, no, kids, I'm sorry, but we can't stay here with Uncle Kyle.
Kyle	Please stay. I am asking you to stay.
Moisha	Can we, Dad? We'll be good, we promise!
Cartman	You little ones are always good. [he starts singing] Mik-helm, Mik-helm, mit cloiska pudding. Vil plotz vit laughter, too.
Kyle	Stop it! [the doorbell rings]
Doorbell	Someone is at the door! Yeah! This is the doorbell! [Kyle yells] It is the future!
Token	They killed Kenny...because he was trying to stop it.
Kyle	Stop what?
Token	We found Kenny's lab. All of his confidential work and his wild experiments. Kenny wasn't just trying to find the source of the coronavirus. He was trying to go back in time, and stop the pandemic from ever happening.
	Shady Acres Retirement home. A woman is speaking Japanese on a large screen in the front. Inside, the old people are gathered in a circle.
Nurse	Okay, old people. It's 4:00. You know what that means. It's share time! [they all groan] Who has something that they want to share? Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison	I'd like to share my dick in your mouth. [they all laugh]
Mr. Mackey	M'kay.
Nurse	Okay, guys, let's settle down. Look, I know sharing feelings is hard during this time of crisis. Is anyone feeling nervous about the new COVID outbreak? [they all just grumble] We don't want you to worry, because, you know, it's the future-- we all do everything we can to make sure old people don't die. [they groan]' Okay, if nobody else wants to go first, Randy Marsh had a little visitor today and he'd like to share that with all of you.
Randy	Uh, hey, everyone. I had a special visitor today. My "son". Who hasn't come to see me in over 20 years. And I have some things I need to tell him but it's hard because… he killed his mom and his sister.
Stan	Okay, okay, here's what happened.
Randy	Oh, here we go, here we go.
Stan	After the pandemic, my mom wanted a divorce and she owned half of the farm.
Randy	She didn't own half, she always hated weed, and she didn't do shit for the farm.
Stan	He wouldn't give her half the farm, so I got sick of their fighting and decided to burn the whole stupid farm to the ground.
Randy	And his sister was in the barn and she burned to death.
Stan	Because you locked her in the barn ‘cause she wouldn't do her weed chores ‘cause she hated weed, too!
Randy	Yes, she had a marijuana problem. And so his mother couldn't take the loss of Shelly and so she killed herself!
Stan	Which is your fault.
Randy	You were the one who burned the family business to the ground. You guys are hearing this, right?
	South Park Elementary Plus, sunset. The group is gathered in Kenny's lab.
Craig	So, kenny spends years researching time travel, then suddenly Kenny dies, and all his fellow scientists go missing.
Tweek	Just leaving behind a trail of blood.
Wendy	Seems like all of the scientists were murdered so that nobody could complete Kenny's work. All of them except one. [she turns away from the computer] In almost all this research, one name keeps popping up: Victor Chouce.
Jimmy	It appears that Chouce was Kenny's right-hand man. But he was insane. He's been locked up for years inside a mental institution.
Darwin	Oh, come on. Now we're gonna start talking to certifiably crazy people?
Craig	Crazy or not, we find this Victor Chouce and we find where Kenny hid the information.
	South Park Mental Asylum Plus, night time. Crazed chatter and wailing can be heard from inside. The warden is speaking on the phone.
Warden	Yes. Yes, that is correct. Victor Chouce is one of our patients here. What is the nature of your inquiry?
Clyde	We have reason to believe that Victor Chouce can answer questions regarding our friend's death. Could you put him on the line please?
Warden	I'm afraid that's impossible. Victor is too unstable for phone calls. They confuse him.
Clyde	Well, can we come talk to him in person, then?
Warden	Yes, I believe that could be arranged. As long as the proper protocols are met. Is everyone in your party vaccinated?
Clyde	[pause] No.
Warden	Well, then I'm afraid we can't allow you into our facility.
Clyde	But-but we have to talk to him! It's urgent!
Craig	What'd they say?
Clyde	They're not gonna let us see him! It's some kind of God damn conspiracy!
	Shady Acres Retirement Home. A Japanese woman is once again shown on the screen in the front. Stan and Randy are in the administration office.
Stan	Listen to me, it's very simple. I need to take my dad out of here. He has to come with me.
Doctor	I'm afraid that's impossible. Senior citizens are in here to keep them safe. You know, it's the future-- we can't let old people die.
Randy	I told you, stupid.
Stan	Shut up, Dad. Look, there's a chance we can help fight this new variant. I just need him out for a couple hours so we can get something important.
Doctor	Well, why don't you just go get it?
Stan	Because he won't tell me where it is because he doesn't trust me.
Randy	Because he killed his mom.
Doctor	Look, I'm sorry, but this is the future. Nothing is more important than keeping old people alive. What if you took him out there and, God forbid, he crapped his pants? And then slipped on the old people diarrhea and hit his head? We'd have to shut down the entire country, for Christ's sake.
Randy	Well, I guess that's it. [he gets up] Only one way out now. [he grabs the doctor and pulls him out of his seat] Kick him in the balls, Stan!
Stan	What?!
Randy	Kick him in the balls! Come on, hurry!
Doctor	Get your hands off me!
Stan	Dad!
Randy	God damn it, Stan, kick his fucking balls so we can go!
Stan	Fuck! [he runs up and kicks the doctor in the groin]
Randy	Okay, grab his keys! Grab his keys, you stupid ass! Stan grabs the keys and they run out of the office]
	Shady Acres Retirement Home front desk. An alarm is going off.
Speaker	Warning. Warning. Old person has escaped. Old person has escaped. Warning. [flying police cars begin searching for the fugitives]
	Kyle's house, living room table. Token and Kyle are looking through the files.
Token	All of these documents we found in Kenny's lab referred to possible origins of the coronavirus. He wanted to go back and stop it.
Kyle	But to stop it, he had to figure out how to bend time.
Token	Exactly. There's notes-- years and years of research that Kenny compiled-- all on the possibilities of time travel.
Cartman	[interrupting] You silly girl. You, yes. Who's a little mister, yes. [he is making out with Yentl] Who's a little hetzpah? Who's my little meshugana?
Kyle	Excuse me!
Cartman	Geez, sorry, Kyle.
Token	Kenny was researching the nature of space-time to see if some kind of bending was possible. But then suddenly, all the research just gets cut off.
Kyle	Because whoever made the pandemic happen killed Kenny before he could go back and stop it.
Cartman	[giggling] Silly girl. Yes.
Kyle	[he slams his fist on the table] Will you please knock it off?!
Cartman	What's the problem, Kyle?
Kyle	You know what you're doing, fat-ass!
Moisha	God damn it, why don't you lay off my fuckin' dad, Uncle Kyle!
Yentl	Moisha! He's never talked like that before.
Moisha	I'm sorry, Mom. It's just… Uncle Kyle. He makes me so crazy!
Cartman	That is not okay, Moisha.
Menorah	But it's true, Dad. Uncle Kyle makes me crazy, too!
Cartman	Menorah!
Hackelm	Fuck you, Kyle!
Cartman	[gasps] Hackelm!
Token	You guys, listen. In Kenny's work he talks about where he would hide important information. He says his friends will always know where to look if they just think like kids again.
Kyle	[he stands up and starts pacing] Think like kids again… [pause] I know where Kenny hid what we're looking for. [he turns around] It's up his ass.
	Stan's car. Alexa and Randy are both there. They sit in silence.
Randy	Who's the broad?
Stan	That's just my Alexa.
Randy	That's the best you could do, huh? Is it even the new one?
Alexa	Excuse me?
Stan	Just ignore him.
Alexa	Okay, fine, there's a new upgrade available for your Amazon Prime membership. Would you like to know more?
Stan	Not now, please.
Alexa	Okay, so I guess just fuck me, then? [she stares out the window angrily]
Randy	Uh-huh.
	Tegridy Farms. The farm is now completely destroyed, with the buildings barely standing and the fields all burned down. Randy gets out of the car and stares at his old property.
Randy	This was once such a magical place.
Stan	[getting out of the car] Can we just get this over with? I don't want to be here.
Randy	You think I want to be here? This is where I lost everything that I cared about! And your mom and your sister!
Stan	[they enter the barn] Dad, there's nothing here. [pause] Dad?
Randy	I think I can trust you now, Stan. It's time for you to learn what your friend Kenny was after. When the pandemic started, you were only a kid. You don't remember the pain we all went through.
Stan	Yeah, I do.
Randy	We as Americans went through so much. First, that incompetent jack-hole was elected president. Then the pandemic came, and then the race wars. And then just when it seemed like we'd turned a corner, Space Jam 2 came out, and we all just kind of gave up. [he turns around] What we lost, Stan, was our Tegridy. But it was all by design. They needed us to lose it.
Stan	Who did?
Randy	Who would want us to lose our optimism and start fighting with each other? China.
Stan	China?
Randy	China. They're the superpower now. The future is totally theirs and we let it happen. A man in china had sex with a pangolin and that started COVID. That man was me. [Stan looks shocked] So I knew how to go back and stop them from taking over…
Stan	Wait, whoa, whoa, wait, wait. You started COVID?
Randy	Yes, but that's besides the point. China used me like they used us all. So I came up with a way to help everyone fight back. A special Tegridy weed.
Stan	You had sex with a pangolin in China and started the whole pandemic?!
Randy	Will you listen to what I'm saying?! Gal! I worked to create more Tegridy but China did everything they could to stop me. They even got to my son. Who burned all of Tegridy Farms to the ground. But what you didn't even know was that I had secretly created a new strain of weed. A weed so powerful, I couldn't even call it a special. It was more like an event. I hid it away all these years. And now it… is the key to saving us all. [he pressed a button and one of the walls opens up, revealing an empty vault.] Where the fuck is it?
Stan	What?
Randy	The Tegridy Weed Special Event! Where the fuck is it?!
Stan	I don't know, Dad!
Randy	They got it. They took it! There's even fresh footprints on the ground! Oh, Jesus!
Stan	So maybe it wasn't the Chinese.
Randy	Yeah, no, it was definitely the Chinese. Oh, God. That was it! That was the very last bit of Tegridy! The only other thing I had were some seeds that I hid up my ass, but they took them from me at the old folks home!
Stan	Wait a minute. What did you say?
Randy	I said they took them from me at the old folks home.
Stan	No, before that.
Randy	Oh. I said I hid em up my ass.
Stan	Jesus. It's so simple, How did we not get it? [running out of the farm] Alexa, start the car!
Randy	There no point now, son! It's all gone. It's all lost. All lost.
Voice	[whispering] Randy. [he looks up] Randy.
Randy	Ah…?
	Hell's Pass Hospital+. Cartman and Yentl are sitting in the waiting room with Hackelm and Kyle.
Cartman	Un-cle Kyle Un-cle Kyle. Say it, Hackelm. [pause] Uncle Kyle.
Hackelm	Fuck you, Kyle.
Cartman	No, no, no. Uncle Kyle.
Hackelm	Fuck you, Kyle.
Cartman	Oh, my gosh, no.
Yentl	We're so sorry about this.
Cartman	Hackelm, say "Uncle. Uncle. Uncle Kyle."
Hackelm	Fuck you, Uncle Kyle.
Cartman	Hey, that was better.
Token	It isn't gonna work. The hospital says we don't have authorization to see Kenny's remains.
Kyle	What!?
Cartman	Sounds like someone doesn't want us to see Kennt's remains. ‘Cause we might find the truth.
Kyle	There has to be a way for us to get in there.
Hackelm	Ha ha. Fuck you, Uncle Kyle!
Cartman	Hackelm.
Stan	What the hell are you guys doing here?
Kyle	Stan?
Cartman	What are you doing here?
Stan	I've been trying to find out who killed Kenny. I think I know where he stored the information.
Cartman and Kyle	It's in his asshole.
Cartman	Yes.
Kyle	Well, it doesn't matter. They won't let us into the morgue.
Stan	Yeah, that's because you guys don't think. [he walks up to the front desk] Excuse me? We need to examine the remains of Dr. McCormick right away.
Desk Clerk	Like I told the others, only certified mercial personnel are allowed to examine cadavers.
Stan	Stan Marsh, consultant for Post-Modem Beveragetainment Online Services.
Desk Clerk	One moment, Doctor. [she picks up the phone]
	Hospital Hallway. A doctor is leading the group into the morgue.
Doctor	This is highly unorthodox. We don't normally allow outsiders into the morgue.
Cartman	That's understandable, Doctor, but luckily I am orthodox.
Doctor	I don't think this is suitable for children.
Token	You guys go. You were the closest to him. We'll stay back and watch the kids.
Doctor	[he lets them in] I'm sorry we can;t supply any chin diapers. Just maintain social distance. Middle cabinet, second from the bottom.
	Stan opens the cabinet and pulls Kenny's body out.
Stan	Hello, old friend. [he lifts the sheet off, revealing Kenny's body covered in rats] Ah, come on! [he swaps them away]
Kyle	Well, let's get him… turned over. [they flip the body over] Somebody's got to look.
Stan	I'm not reaching up Kenny's ass.
Kyle	Well, somebody has to. Cartman, go ahead.
Cartman	No, I can't do it. If anyone should reach up Kenny's ass, it should be you, Kyle.
Kyle	I thought you were his fucking "best friend."
Cartman	I was his best friend, but I am also married, so I can't be fingering people's buttholes.
Stan	God, you guys fucking suck. I'll just do it. [he puts on gloves] Just like I always had to fix fucking everything else! [he brushes more rats away and reaches his hand inside Kenny's anus]
Kyle	You did not "fucking fix everything," you just started acting like everyone else was stupid.
Stan	Oh, really? Because they were acting stupid?
Kyle	Yeah, because you got all self-righteous about everything.
Stan	I got self-righteous?
Kyle	Yeah, you got self-righteous. Do you know what fucking sanctimonious means?
Stan	No, Kyle, why don't you fucking tell me what fucking sanctimonious means.
Kyle	See, this is exactly how you acted when the pandemic started too…
Stan	Wait. Hold on. [pause] We've got it. [he pulls out a hard drive]
Cartman	Oh, my God.
Kyle	What?
Cartman	It's got shit on it. That's dead people shit. [he vomits on Kenny's body]
	Kenny's lab. Clyde is sitting at a desk when Wendy approaches him.
Wendy	What are you working on, Clyde?
Clyde	I'm going through Kenny's journals again to try to find some answers. Seems like you just keep hitting dead ends, you know? I'm just tired and I want to go home.
Wendy	I know. I'm exhausted, too. [pause] You wanna maybe do a little bump?
Clyde	Huh?
Wendy	I was just-- I've got some coke and I thought we could… I don't know, do you want to party?
Clyde	Fuck yes, I want to party.
Wendy	Really?
Clyde	Fuck yes.
Wendy	Oh, I'm so glad you're down. [she pours the coke onto the table and distributes it into two lines] Nobody else is even cool enough for me to ask. It's pretty good shit, too. [she snorts it] Oh, man. Thank God. Thank God I brought this. [she pats Clyde's shoulder] Here you go.
Clyde	Fuck yes. Let's fucking party.[he begins to snort it, but stops] Wait a minute. What is this really?
Wendy	What do you mean?
Clyde	This isn't cocaine, it's the COVID vaccine isn't it?! I'm not putting that shit in my body!
Wendy	Forget it, guys. It didn't work. [everyone comes out of hiding and groans]
Clyde	You guys were gonna trick me into taking the vaccine?!
Craig	God damn it, Clyde, we want to get out of here!
Clyde	My body is a temple and I'm not taking that shit!
Jimmy	Let's just face it, guys, it's over. We're never gonna find what Kenny was after. Whoever controls the world and killed our friend is just gonna get away with it.
Kyle	Not so fast! [he enters the lab with Cartman and Stan] We did it! We found Kenny's hidden information!
Wendy	You did?
Kyle	And now we can finally learn the truth! Whoever Kenny was after, we are gonna take those fuckers down! [he inserts the hard drive into the machine, the TV starts playing]
Scientist #1	The date is November 3rd. It is 2:07 p.m. [screen skips] Dr. Kenneth McCormick will now be attempting to travel back in time. In order to stop the COVID pandemic from ever happening.
Kyle	He did it?
Scientist #1	Dr. McCormick believes that going back is the only way to stop the people who have ruined the future. In the event of Dr. McCormick's death, he wants everyone to know the group that is responsible for the way things are. [she shows a photograph of the boys as kids to the camera] It is "My three dickhead friends, Stan, Kyle and Cartman."
Stan	[they all stare in shock] What?!
Scientist #1	Dr. McCormick says that these three completely ruined everything when they let COVID break up their friendship and became argumentative, combative, pessimistic assholes.
Kenny	[unintelligible muffled words]
Scientist #1	He says he hopes you guys are watching this. [Kenny says more muffled words] He spent his whole life trying to fix your broship and then realized this was the only way, ‘cause you guys suck. [the screen skips] The sequence is active! The historic moment is here! Godspeed, Dr. McCormick!
Scientist #2	Wait! Dr. McCormick, you forgot your chin diaper! [the alarm starts blaring]
Scientist #3	Something's wrong!
	Kenny starts convulsing as the room starts shaking. All the scientists in the room except for Kenny explode. Kenny disappears, leaving only an oxygen mask behind. He is gone for several seconds until reappearing and getting out of the seat, walking away and coughing.
Craig	[staring is shock] All this time, the bad guys we were after, who Kenny said ruined the future, was you guys?
Darwin	Wendy, I've been trying not to say anything but… your friends are all kind of douchebags. [she stares at him]
	Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are sitting on the stairs dejectedly.
Stan	Kenny was right. All this time, we've been trying to figure out whose fault this all was. It was our fault.
Kyle	I remember when we were kids. We were so optimistic. We lost that. We lost our sense of fun. Our sense of humor.
Stan	Maybe the pandemic was a big test. And we all failed.
Cartman	Let's face it, guys. We killed Kenny.
Kyle	Yeah, Kenny was right. [he stands up] Back in the old days we wouldn't give up like this. We would've just set out to save our friend, no matter how impossible it seemed. What we would have done-- and what we should have done then-- is double down on our respect and our love for one another and fight through it instead of fighting with each other. [he turns around to face the others] We can save Kenny. We just have to finish his work.
Cartman	How? We don't know anything about quantum physics and time travel.
Kyle	I don't know. But we start by believing. In each other and in what is yet to come. We have to go back to being those kids we once were.
Stan	Even if it means calling Jesus or Santa. [he smiles]
Kyle	Come on, guys, we've got work to do!
Cartman	Sounds good. I'll be right back. [he walks into a room where his kids are waiting] Moisha, Hackelm, kids, get your things. We need to go now.
Moisha	What's going on, Dad?
Cartman	Your Uncle Kyle wants to go back and change things. He's going to try and change the past.
Menorah	But I like things the way they are.
Moisha	Me too, Dad. Do you think he'll be able to do it?
Cartman	No, kids. Fuck Uncle Kyle.
Menorah and Moisha	Yay!
Moisha	Yay, Daddy!
Menorah	Fuck Uncle Kyle!
	The fields of Tegridy Farms, night time. Randy is sitting on his knees.
Randy	It wasn't supposed to be like this. People were supposed to get kinder in the future. I'm so sorry what happened to both of you. [Shelly and Sharon appear before him as ghosts]
Sharon	It wasn't your fault, Randy. It was all Stan's fault.
Shelly	Yes, it was all Stan's fault.
Randy	Thanks for saying that, you guys. I'm sorry Stan sucks so hard sometimes.
Sharon	Don't give up, Randy. Humanity needs you. [they float away]
Randy	No! I can't do it alone! How can things possibly go back to the way they were? [the wind gusts, and Randy spots a plant growing out of the dirt] It can't be. [he walks up to it and kneels down beside it] It's impossible. It's the last little sprout of Tegridy. [he uproots the plant] I have to get you somewhere safe. We have a lot of work to do.
	South Park Mental Asylum Plus. Patients are heard slamming against their cell walls and laughing maniacally.
Warden	We just had another call asking to speak with Victor Chouce. You're quite a popular man, Victor. [he opens part of the door] I wonder what all the fuss is about. [he sets down a tray of food and someone from the other side takes it] Don't feel like talking, huh? [he chuckles] You will. [he walks away, revealing the name on the outside of the cell reading "CHAOS, VICTOR"]
Fin de South Park: Post Covid

South Park: Post Covid/Script

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