Nibarding/Script

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Nibarding

	CNN Conference Room. Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul are standing behind their benches, debating. A loud applause is heard.
Mitt	I know the people are going to say, oh you should only practice it this way or that way.
Rick	I believe in capitalism too. I believe in capitalism for everybody.
New	What he said, which I find mildly amazing, was that he thought I would have a hard time debating Barack Obama.
Ron	We faced something much much greater after World War II. [the camera pans to Stan, who is in the audience] We had ten million coming home at once. What did we do then? Some liberals said we need more work programs-
Stan	Tango, Tango, I'm in position.
Kyle	[offscreen] Copy, tango. Clear vantage point?
Stan	It will have to do. We're not getting closer.
Kyle	Alright, Butters. Bring it in.
Butters	[going through a hallway with a trolley] Equipment is flying in, ten seconds.
Kyle	Copy that. 10 seconds, Cartman.
Cartman	[in a wooden dark place with two wires on the ground] I can hear Kyle, just tell me when to go.
	The conference room is shown again. The audience applauds as Stan looks around. The Secret Service agents are shown.
Agent 1	We might have a problem.
Agent 2	What's that?
Agent 1	We just got word somebody might try to Faith Hill this event.
Agent 2	Lock down the whole perimeter. Nobody is Faith Hilling, not on my watch! [raises his fists and walks away. The stage is shown through Stan's angle. Three other agents step on the stage.]
Stan	I think they're onto us guys. Let's do this. [Butters takes a plate from the trolley, which has an iPhone on it, and walks to the left. Meanwhile Kenny comes from the opposite direction, taking the iPhone and passing it to Stan.] I got it.
Agent 3	Hey, somebody is under the stage.
Kyle	Go Cartman! [Cartman runs up and comes on the stage. He cheerfully pulls his shirt out near the nipple area. Stan takes a picture. Four agents come up to chase Cartman.]
	Outside the conference room. Butters, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman run out.
Butter	We got it. We got it!
Stan	Go, go, go.
Cartman	Hehe hehe, that was sweet you guys. [The agents run after them.]
	The news
Reporter	First, there was planking. [various images of people planking come up] People taking pictures of themselves in a planked position and putting the photos on the Internet. Planking was soon replaced by owling. [a picture of a boy with his knees drawn to his chest] And after the Super Bowl by Bradying. [New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady as well as an overweight man, both sitting on the ground with their legs straight out, hands clasped and looking down] But the newest meme involves pulling the shirt out to look like boobs. [Cartman pulling out his shirt at the debate is shown, this time fullscreen] It's called Faith Hilling. And all around the world people are doing it. [A black boy pulling his red shirt, then a ginger boy with a cap doing the exact same thing with his grey-and-white sweatshirt] Kids, adults, and even notable celebrities are getting into the act. [L.A. Lakers player Kobe Bryant is shown pulling on his jersey. The news studio comes to view again.] But as Faith Hilling is more and more popular, the question on everyone's mind, who will be the first to die doing it?
	South Park Elementary, day. The boys, along with the rest of the forth graders, are in a wooden room, being lectured by Professor Lamont.
Lamont	I have been sent here because you children are playing with fire! [the children are listening to him, Cartman has a bored look] Faith Hilling is nothing more than an evolution of Bradying. From football quarterback to football singer.
Cartman	Oh, please. Bradying is so 2000 and late.
Lamont	[lowers the projector screen] I know you all think what you're doing is new and hip and cool. But the truth is memeing has been around a long time. We're gonna watch a film strip now, that's a little dated but I think it gets the point across. [turns the projector on to start the film]
	Warbly muzak is heard, as the film, 'BLOODY SUNDAY: The Dangers of MEMEING', begins. A man with an old style hair is sitting in a classroom with a outdated TV and a poster for the computer club which has a picture of an old computer.
Speaker	For many young people today taking pictures in silly poses becomes a dangerous past time. The latest meme has also become the most deadly. It's called Tebowing [The caption TEBOWING appears in the middle of the screen].
	Residential area. Two boys are walking towards a grassy area leading to the railroad tracks. One of the boys has an iPhone in his hands.
Speaker	[offscreen] This is Ryan and Barkley. They're about to learn how dangerous Tebowing can be.
Ryan	Here is a good place. I'll do it right here.
Barkley	I don't know, Ryan. You sure this is a good idea? [Ryan walks onto a railway]
Ryan	Stop being a scaredy-cat. It will just take a second. How could I get hurt? [kneels down and puts his right elbow on his right knee, closing his eyes as well as pinching his nose bridge]
Barkley	Okay, hold still. [puts up his iPhone. A train horn is heard.] What's that?
Ryan	A traaain! AAAAAA! [Barkley and Ryan continue to scream and look around while staying in the same position. The train is still off in the distance.]
Barkley	RYAN!
Ryan	No, no! Nooo!
Barkley	AAAA!!!
Ryan	AAAA!!!No, no, no, no, noooo!
Barkley	AAAA!!![The train finally comes at full force and hits Ryan, severing him in half and covering Barkley in blood.]
	South Park Elementary. Butters covers his face after seeing what just happened while the rest of the class is unfazed.
Butters	AAAA!!!
	Residential area. Barkley, covered in blood, stands at the railroad tracks and looks down in horror at Ryan's severed body
Barkley	RYAN!
Ryan	Learn from me.[dies]
	Secluded area, nighttime. A young couple is sitting in a parked car.
Woman 1	This sure is a nice car, Tommy. [raises her iPhone] Would you like to get a picture of me Tebowing in it?
Tommy	Sure. [gets the iPhone to take her picture. As the woman poses, the train's headlight appears in the distance and its horn is heard.] What is that?
Woman 1	Oh my God! It's coming!
Tommy	God, no! [he exits the car while she continues Tebowing inside, revealing that they parked on the railroad track] Aahh! No, no!
Woman 1	[scared] Tommy, d-did you get the picture?
Tommy	Oh no, wait! Hold on! [hurriedly presses on the iPhone, then gets ready to take the picture]
Woman 1	Hurry, hurry!
Tommy	AAAAA! [attempts to take the picture as the train comes closer]
Woman 1	AAAAA! [The train finally comes at full force and crushes the car as Tommy runs off. Her bloody, severed head then lands onto a dirt field next to the track and her mouth opens, letting out an audible scream] Aaah!
	South Park Elementary. Butters screams out in horror again while the rest of the class is still unfazed.
Butters	AAAA!!!
	A man wearing a yellow and red-stripped jacket and round sunglasses is looking upward and talking to his friend while holding an iPhone.
Man 1	Be careful up there, Pete.
Pete	[Tebowing on top of a wall with graffiti in a residential area] Just go on and take the picture. [the wall is suddenly destroyed by a train, killing Pete and knocking his friend down, before he quickly gets up and looks on in horror.]
	South Park Elementary. Butters screams out and covers his face again. Cartman now looks bored, while the rest of the class is still unfazed.
Butters	AAAA!!!
	The speaker in the old-fashioned classroom is shown.
Speaker	These youths paid with their lives for Tebowing. When they posed for pictures they should have remembered there are only three approved memes: peace signs [puts his index and middle fingers up], bunny ears [raises his arm while keeping the previous gesture] and fake wiener [turns his body sideways, bends his left arm and leg] Maybe you think this doesn't apply to you. Maybe you think your memes are safe. Or maybe you're watching this in the future and Tebowing has been replaced by some other meme. Well, if you are watching his in the future, [a blue screen comes to view while the following words of the speaker gets typed] get off your flying cellphone scooters and THINK. Just remember--
	A photo of three teenagers from the 1980s standing outside under a tree is shown while the following lines are sung
Singers	Use the approved poses if you want to be a memer. Peace signs! [A male teenager with a sweater and mustache puts his right middle and index fingers up in a V-shape] Bunny ears! [A female teenager smiles while putting her middle and index fingers in a V-shape behind the head of the previous male teenager] Fake wiener! [A male teenager wearing a neon colored windbreaker turns his body sideways and bends his left arm and leg]
	South Park Elementary. The fourth graders come out, almost all having concerned looks on their faces. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman and Butters walk together.
Cartman	[yawns] Oh, God. That was boring.
Kenny	(Totally!)
Kyle	So, what do you want to do now?
Cartman	Well, there is the nice French café downtown. Maybe we should get some Faith Hilling pictures there.
Stan	Oh, that's a good idea.
Butters	What?! You mean you guys still plan on Faith Hilling after what we just saw?
Cartman	Butters, Faith Hilling defines our generation.
Butters	Well, count me out.
Kyle	You're gonna give up on Faith Hilling just like that, Butters? How could you?
Butters	Well, I'm scared. [Craig shows up]
Craig	Hey, did you see today's newspaper?
Cartman	Why would we look at a newspaper, r*****?
Craig	You guys made the front page.
Cartman	Really? [the boys excitedly run, except for Butters]
	The boys run in a liquor store.
Stan	Dude, we are on the front page!
Cartman	Yes!
Kenny	(Yeah, dude!)
Stan	Can we get The Denver Post, please? [hands the clerk two dollars and gets the paper]
Cartman	What's it say, what's it say?
Stan	It says... Oh, oh no. It says Faith Hilling is now all like 2000-late.
Cartman	What? Let me see that. [the newspaper has Cartman's pictured and a headline 'Faith Hilling so 2,000 late']
Kyle	How can that be? Already?
Stan	[reads the newspaper] Public reaction was the stunt pulled off by five elementary school students was not only dangerous and disruptive but also completely passé.
Kyle	How can we be passé? We're only in 4th grade.
Stan	[continues reading] "Faith Hilling is pretty stale," said Republican candidate Newt Gingrich. "If they had crashed the debate by Taylor Swifting that would have been impressive."
Cartman	Taylor Swifting? What the fuck is that?
	Cartman's computer screen. Various people sitting on their bare butts with their hands down between their legs are shown. Cartman is in front of the computer, with Stan and Kyle on his both sides and Kenny behind him.
Stan	That's all it is? [Kenny moves to the left-hand side]
Cartman	You pull down your pants and wipe your butt on the ground like an old dog. [shows three other guys' pictures]
Kyle	But that's stupid. [Kenny moves to the right-hand side] How can that replace Faith Hilling? It doesn't even make any sense.
Cartman	I can't believe people take the time to do this garbage. [shows a couple of more pictures] This has to be stopped, you guys.
	Outside Café Monet, day. A boy is Taylor Swifting in front of the café. Two girls and a boy watch him as the boy pictures him with his iPhone.
Boy 1	[giggles] Okay. Hold it there. Okay. That's good, don't move. [the iPhone screen is shown as Cartman photobombs while Faith Hilling.]
Cartman	How is this Kyle? This good? [the boy moves away a bit. The other kids are stunned. The boys stand next to them, Kyle having an iPhone in his hands]
Kyle	Yep, that's great. [glances at the other kids]
Cartman	[continues moving as the other boy tries to get past him] Cool, these will be good uploads.
Boy 2	Hey, what are you doing?
Cartman	Faith Hilling. Why don't you get the fuck out of here?
Boy 1	Oh God. Faith Hilling is so February 2012.
Stan	Saying something is so 2000 and anything is so 2009, you stupid ass wipe.
Boy 2	[starts to crawl away] Come on guys. It's not worth it. We can do our Taylor Swifting somewhere else. [Cartman continues to cover his view] [to Cartman] Knock it off!
Cartman	Why don't you make me? [the boy punches him, Cartman responds by hitting him on the ground. Stan and Kyle begin to punch Boy 1 while Kenny attacks the girls.]
	South Park Elementary, day. The boys are in the wooden classroom again. Professor Lamont brings in a box, then pulls a gun out of it. He loads it with a bullet while the fourth graders bewilderingly watch him.
Lamont	Yesterday afternoon four kids went to the hospital for injuries resulting from memeing in front of a local cafe. [the boys glance at each other] Faith Hilling, Taylor Swifting. These are things that will get you killed! [puts the gun on Butters' desk] That's a loaded .38. How many of you think it's a smart idea to put a loaded .38 on a 9-year-old's desk? Well, if safety doesn't matter to you go ahead, pick the gun up.
Butters	Oh, that's okay. I think...
Lamont	Pick the gun up! You might as well. Swifting and Hilling is like playing with a loaded gun! Do you all understand my point?
Kids	Yes, sir.
Lamont	Good. Now put the gun in your mouth.
Butters	HA?!
Lamont	Hey! You're following plankers and Tebowers, so put a loaded gun in your mouth! DO IT! [Butters hesitantly puts the gun in his mouth] Everybody take a good look. [points to Butters] This is what you're doing every time you play with Internet memes. YOU ARE PLAYING ROULETTE WITH YOUR FUCKING LIVE! [A hawk is heard offscreen. Two men enter the classroom.]
Man 2	Professor Lamont, we need to talk.
Lamont	I will be right back. [leaves the classroom]
	The gym. The two men are seated at a table, pulling out files out of their briefcases.
Man 2	You're an expert on memes, Professor Lamont.
Lamont	Yes, what is this about? [puts his bag on the table]
Man 3	We need your expertise, sir.
Man 2	Have you ever heard of another species, memeing on the Internet?
Lamont	Another species? What are you talking about?
Man 3	We were hoping perhaps you could help us understand... [types on his laptop] this. [turns around the laptop. Professor Lamont puts on his reading glasses to look at the screen, which shows various cats with breads around their heads.] Cats have started to put pictures of themselves on the Internet, with bread around their heads. Cat breading, it's called. It's just such an odd thing to do, we thought would you explain it to us.
Lamont	They're evolving. Cats are evolving. [moves the cursor down to see more pictures]
Man 3	Sorry?
Lamont	There are two ways a species evolves. Physically from genes and culturally from memes. Just like genes, memes replicate, mutate and adapt.
Man 2	We're having a hard time following you here.
Lamont	[opens a book] Look. In the 70s there was fonzing. [the book page has two people's pictures with their thumbs up] Which replaced the outdated mustaching. [a guy with his index finger above his lips] In the 60s cultural ideas were passed on by everybody poodle-fisting. [people raising their fists up to the sky] But even that evolved from people ass wedging in the 40s. [the Nazis doing their trademark salute] Even before photographs humans memed for portraits. All the way back to the Egyptians who had pictures painted of themselves donkey ticking. [an Ancient Egypt painting]
Man 2	You are saying cats are showing signs of evolution with their cat breading meme?
Lamont	[walks to the front] If they're putting slices of bread on their heads and taking pictures, [takes his glasses off] they're proving to be almost as intelligent as we are. [dramatic music plays]
	The wooden classroom. The only person left there is Butters, who still has the gun in his mouth. He looks around for a moment, then looks down to the gun again.
	The Cartman house, day. Mr. Kitty is sleeping over her cat tree. The boys come in, Cartman has a laptop in his hands, which shows a picture of Mr. Kitty cat breading.
Cartman	Mr. Kitty, do you mind explaining this? [Mr. Kitty looks at him] You wanna tell me why you're putting pictures of yourself on the Internet with bread around your face? This is a bad kitty. Bad! You're taking the idea of Faith Hilling and making it stupid. Bad kitty. [closes his laptop and approaches Mr. Kitty] Bad Mr. Kitty. [Cartman hits Mr. Kitty with a stick. Mr. Kitty hisses, then paws at him.] Bad kitty! No more memeing! [walks away] Come on, guys. [the boys walk out of the room. Cartman turns his back to scold his cat again] Bad Mr. Kitty!
	The boys come out of Cartman's house.
Stan	Well, I'm glad we took care of that.
Kyle	Yeah, what do you guys wanna do now?
Cartman	I was thinking of maybe Faith Hilling at the place they do AA meeting.
Stan	That's a cool idea
Kenny	[sighs] (Oh, fuck it, dude.) [walks away]
Kyle	W-what's the matter, Kenny?
Kenny	(I don't know. That seems quite pointless.)
Stan	What seems pointless?
Kenny	(Hey, just accept Faith Hilling is out of style!)
Kyle	Hey! [the boys approach Kenny] Faith Hilling is not out of style, alright?
Kenny	(Well,... ...and I can't take any of that!)
Stan	No, no, no! These stupid fads are only that, okay? We can't give in to this crap.
Cartman	Don't give up on Faith Hilling, Kenny. Don't you give up on her.
	Breaking News.
Reporter	Two Boulder children died today while Oh Long Johnsoning in a battling cage. Oh Long Johnsonning is of course the latest Internet meme which involves putting oneself in a risky situation and then seeing how many times you can say "Oh Long Johnson" on video before getting out of the way.
	A camera recording, showing a batting cage. A teenager comes in
Boy 3	You ready, you ready?
Boy 4	[offscreen] I'm recording, go.
Boy 3	[the machine throws balls. The boy stands in front of them] Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. O-Oh Long- [gets hit by a ball]
Boy 4	Larry!
Reporter	This latest Internet meme is shocking. But most shocking of all is the person who started the meme isn't a person at all, but a cat who seems to have no regard for people's safety.
	A video of a black cat moaning.
Cat	Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson.
Reporter	The cat is now under arrest and awaiting trial for its part in the teenager's death.
	Café Monet, day. Stan crawls in, Taylor Swifting.
Stan	Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson.
Boy 1	[his fellows are standing besides him. He has an iPhone in his hands] Yeah, that's good. Now go back the other way.
Stan	[continues to crawl around] Oh Long Johnson, Oh Long- [he is confronted by Cartman, Kyle and Kenny]
Cartman	Dude, what's going on?
Stan	Oh, hey, guys. How's it going? [hurriedly puts his pants on]
Kyle	We thought you were meeting us at Cartman's. What are you doing here, Taylor Swifting?
Boy 1	He's not Taylor Swifting, that's old stuff.
Stan	Yeah, now you're doing to see how many times you can say Oh Long Johnson. I thought just, you know, try it out.
Cartman	Guys, remember when we heard about that pollack with one testicle in the revolutionary war? What was his name?
Kyle	Benedict Arnold. [the three boys walk away]
Stan	Oh, come on. You guys need to realize that Faith Hilling is over, okay? [the boys stop] You can pretend all you want, but it's not coming back. [Kenny looks down]
Kyle	Kenny?
Kenny	[approaches Stan and the other boys] (I'm sorry guys. Faith Hilling is just a stupid fad, right?)
Boy 1	If you guys wanna keep Faith Hilling, I'm sure people are still doing it at the old folks home. [he and his friends walk away]
Stan	You will like this, Kenny. Pull down your pants. [Kenny pulls down his pants and starts crawling on his butt.]
Kyle	You guys are sellouts.
Cartman	[holds him] Come on, Kyle.
Kyle	You're freaking sellouts!
Cartman	It's okay, man, come on.
	An interrogation room. The two men from the gym stand behind Professor Lamont.
Lamont	What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you have any idea when you play with memes you're playing with fire? [the black cat is kept in a cage]
Cat	Oh Long Johnson.
Lamont	Oh, very funny. People are dying out there. Is that what you want?
Cat	Oh Long Jeeea-
Lamont	You cats want a war? Because that's what you're going to get!
Cat	Oh oh oh.
	A news reporter speaking.
Reporter 2	Long ago there was tebowing, which evolved into Faith Hilling. But the latest memeing craze, Swift-Johnsoning, may now also have its rival. [walks to a railway] A brand new meme, where people video themselves wearing trench coats and talking about the dangers of memeing. They call it "reporting". And safety officials say that it's dangerous and potentially fatal. [train horn] Oh! Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. [gets hit by the train]
	The wooden classroom, night. Butters is still sitting there with gun in his mouth, but now he's quite drowsy and barely keeps himself awake.
	Cartman is Faith Hilling in front of a Planned Parenthood Clinic.
Kyle	[has an iPhone in his hands] Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Bring the left titty out some more. [Cartman raises his left hand a bit] Yeah, yeah freeze there. [a man comes into view with his little son]
Little Boy	What are those boys doing, daddy?
Dad	Oh, I think they're Faith Hilling, Bobby. It's a little before your time.
Little Boy	How droll. [The man and boy leave the scene. Cartman and Kyle look down for a moment]
Cartman	Get a couple facing the other way, brah. [turns the other way]
Kyle	Yeah, good idea. [a doctor comes out of the clinic]
Doctor	Hey, you kids Faith Hilling in front of my clinic? 'Cause I got a couple of patients in here that could use a good time machine. [giggles] Get it? [goes back to his clinic. A man with a car sounds his horn]
Man 4	Go back to the 90s! Faggooots!
Kyle	[approaches Cartman] We have to face it, Cartman.
Cartman	I know. I know Kyle. [stops lifting his "nipples" up]
Kyle	I really thought it was gonna last.
Cartman	I guess the only thing that doesn't change in life... is that things change. [starts crying] The sun hurts my eyes. [wipes away his tears]
Kyle	It wasn't like Faith Hilling was that great. I mean-
Cartman	No, no. It was kind of stupid, really.
Kyle	I-It's good that it became something else.
Cartman	And we'll have a blast doing the new stuff. [both of them sigh]
	Breaking News.
Reporter	Household cats have evolved into a species as intelligent as humans. Will this mean war between our two life forms? In an attempt to try and communicate with the leader of cats, experts have sent in the ambassador of people.
	The interrogation room.
Ambassador	Hello.
Cat	Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador	Meow, meow.
Cat	Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador	Long Johnson.
Cat	Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador	Oh Long Johnson.
Cat	Oh- Oh Don Piano.
Ambassador	Oh Don Piano.
Cat	Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador	Oh Don Piaaano.
Cat	Oh Long Jon-Jon-Johnson.
Ambassador	Oh Lala Lionde. Oh Long John- Don Piano. Don Piaaaano.
	The ambassador comes out of the room. The two men and Professor Lamont is waiting him outside.
Cat	Oh Long Johnson. [the ambassador closes the door]
Ambassador	I'm not sure but I think it said war between our species is inevitable, that evolution cannot be stopped and cats will rise. It said we cannot coexist and then said oh don piaaano and then and then something about seeing the streets of human cities running red with the blood of their children.
	An iPhone screen, camera app on. Cartman pulls up Mr. Kitty, who now has a bread around his head.
Stan	[has the iPhone in his hands, while Kyle and Kenny stand next to him] Okay, that's good, a little higher.
Cartman	[he is doing a combination of Taylor Swifting and Cat Breading] Okay, cool. I'm gonna go left to right, is that good?
Kyle	Yeah, that's awesome.
Stan	OK, whenever you're ready.
Mr. Kitty	Meow.
Cartman	No, kitty, you have to be quiet.
Mr. Kitty	Meow.
Cartman	No kitty! That's a bad kitty! [Boy 1 and his friends come over]
Boy 1	Wow, what's this?
Kyle	What, you been living under a rock? This is the new meme, Cat Taylor Swift Reporting.
Stan	Alright, go Cartman.
Cartman	[begins to crawl while holding Mr. Kitty] Taylor Swift is dangerous. Taylor Swift is dangerous!
Kelly	That's pretty cool.
Stan	Yeah, that's cool. It's awesome.
Kyle	It's super awesome.
Cartman	Yeah, yeah, we got it down, you guys. Think we're ready for the big time.
Mr. Kitty	Meow, meow.
Cartman	SHUT UP, KITTY!
	The conference room. A reporter is giving his speech.
Reporter 3	With the inevitable species war looming, our country's brightest leaders have come together to debate and reason with the ambassador of cats. It's called putty-whistling. And the question on everyone's mind... Who will be the first person to die from it? [Rick, Mitt, Newt and the cat are standing behind their lecterns.]
Mitt	W-well, you know, I ran for president four years ago. This was the position I described when I ran four years ago...
Rick	If you wanna be an American the first thing you should do is respect-
Newt	To ask a very simple question. How big of a scale of change do we want in Washington.
Cat	Oh Long Johnson.
Newt	I started working in the governor wing in 1974.
Cat	[Rick and Newt talk] Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Piaano.
Newt	I'm gonna say two things...
Cat	Oh Long Johnson.
Mitt	I have five sons, five daughters in law, sixteen grand kids, and they're the joy of my life.
Cat	Oh Lalalonde.
Newt	I was wrong when I figured it out. You were wrong when you didn't.
Cat	Oh Long Johnson.
Rick	It's, It's not the most attractive thing to go out there and say, look it took me ten or twelve years to figure out it was wrong-
Stan	[the debate goes on. The camera pans to Stan, again in the audience] Fox trot standing by at position alpha.
Kyle	Copy, Fox trot, let's fly in the goods Tango.
	Kenny is in the bathroom. He pulls out Mr. Kitty from the toilet tank.
Kenny	(This is Tango. I have the goods.)
Stan	Standing by in three seconds.
	Cartman is waiting behind a purple curtain.
Kyle	Two, one. Go Cartman!
Cartman	Let's do this. [he runs to the hallway, where Kenny hands him Mr. Kitty. He goes to the stage with Mr. Kitty, and pulls down his pants as Stan is ready to record him. He then stops, thinking.]
Kyle	Cartman? Go, Cartman.
Stan	Come on, dude. Hurry.
Cartman	[softly] No. NOO! [puts his pants back on] I won't do it. I won't do it, you hear me! I'm better than this. [puts down Mr. Kitty] And to hell with you, Mr. Kitty. You're a bad kitty! Bad, bad kitty! It's time somebody stood up, and did the right thing. [he turns sideways and snaps his fingers a few times, then pulls up his shirt, Faith Hilling.]
Kyle	[observing him though a computer] Yeah. Do it, Cartman.
Cartman	[music begins to play] Alright, football night, what do you do? Get out your camera and a boobie or two.
Stan	Wow!
Cartman	We gotta get serious while we’re in our prime.
Man 5	Have you ever seen Faith Hilling so good?
Cartman	Come on everybody, It's Faith Hilling time. [the audience and Rick, Mitt and Newt join him] Dancin', rappin', titties flappin' where are you? This is the only memeing I'll ever do.
Cat	Oh Long Johnson.
Cartman	Is a meme I will fight [Stan is joined by Kyle and Kenny in the audience. Butters is in the wooden classroom dancing to the song, yet still has the gun in his mouth] 'Cause I'm Faith Hilling 'til the day that I die.
Reporter 3	And so in the face of war a little boy reminds us all what being human really means. The message is unclear. But it doesn't matter as long as you give the audience a song, celebrity bashing, and Republican hopefuls dancing around with boobies. It's called pandering and all over the country people are- [train horn] Oh! Oh Long Johns- [gets hit by the train]
Fin de Nibarding