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Muscle Plus 4000

	Mr. Garrison's classroom.
Kyle	Hey Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning?
Stan	Yeah, it was huge.
Cartman	Ugh, I hate those things.
Kyle	Nobody hates rainbows.
Stan	Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows?
Cartman	Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and they'll come, marching in and crawl up your leg and start biting the inside of your ass, and you'll be all like: "EHY! GET OUT OF MY ASS YOU STUPID RAINBOWS!" [Silence.]
Stan	Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman	I'm talking about rainbows, I hate those friggin' things!
Kyle	Rainbows are those little arches of color that show up during a rainstorm.
Cartman	Ohh, rainbows. Oh yeah, I like those, those are cool.
Stan	What were you talking about?
Cartman	Huh? Oh, nothing, forget it.
Kyle	No, what marches in, crawls up your leg and bites the inside of your ass?
Cartman	Nothing..!
Mr. Garrison	Children, children. Remember the 'Save Our Fragile Planet' essay contest that you children worked so hard on last month? [Silence.] One of our very own South Park students has won the national prize.
Wendy	[Softly.] Wow, I knew I would win.
Mr. Hat	Gosh Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting.
Mr. Garrison	That's right Mr. Hat, the winner of the national 'Save Our Fragile Planet' contest is... Eric Cartman.
Wendy	What?
Cartman	What?
Mr. Garrison	Congratulations Eric, on writing the award winning paper.
Cartman	Kick ass!
Stan	That's impossible, Cartman doesn't know a rain-forest from a Pop-Tart.
Cartman	Yeah I do, pop tarts are frosted.
Mr. Garrison	Out of over a million papers, Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner.
Kyle	Wow, what did you write about Cartman?
Cartman	Oh, you know, this and that.
Wendy	He doesn't even know what he wrote about!
Kyle	What was your paper about Wendy?
Wendy	My paper was on the suffering of bottle-nose dolphins.
Cartman	There you see, you shouldn't have written a paper about dolphins. Dolphins are stupid.
Stan	Dude, dolphins are like the second smartest animal on the planet.
Cartman	Buh, hah, right, if they're so damn smart, how come they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?
Wendy	What?
Mr. Garrison	Wait, wait, there's more. It says here that Eric's trophy will be presented to him by...Kathie Lee Gifford.
Kyle	Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?
Mr. Garrison	And the presentation will be on national television.
Stan, Kyle	Television!
Mr. Garrison	[Thinking to himself.] Kathie Lee Gifford. I don't believe it.
	City Hall. Mayor's Office.
Mayor McDaniels	Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park! Oh my God! This is our chance to make a name for ourselves; to show that we're not just some piss-ant white-bread mountain town.
Ted	Better yet, it's a chance for you to get some publicity.
Mayor McDaniels	Yes! If I can show just how much I turned South Park around, I could become a Senator.
Johnson	Maybe even a State Senator.
Ted	Mayor, we should decorate the town square.
Johnson	Then we should have the chef of the school cafeteria sing a song, and play up the ethnic diversity of our town.
Mayor McDaniels	That's right, he's a black guy isn't he?
Ted	Black as the night itself Mayor.
Mayor McDaniels	Yes! And we can even have the children of South Park put on a little play. Kathie Lee loves children.
Ted	If they're working in a sweat-shop that is.
Johnson	Ohhh.
Ted	Ouch. [Johnson Laughs.] Thank you.
	South Park Elementary Cafeteria.
Cartman	You guys, guess what? After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous.
Wendy	[Passing by.] Hitler was famous too.
Chef	[Stopping by.] Hello there children.
Kyle, Stan	Hey, Chef.
Chef	How are my little crackers today?
Kyle, Stan	Good.
Chef	Did you all hear about the news? Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park.
Stan	Yeah, cause Cartman cheated and won the environmental essay contest.
Cartman	Hey!
Chef	Yeahyeh. Oh whatever. But the mayor just called and asked me to sing at the ceremony.
Kyle	Wow, are you gonna do it?
Chef	Of course! Kathie Lee is a beautiful, sultry queen of sexual fantasy. And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into a night of exotic delectation.
Stan	Yeah, that'd be cool.
Kenny	(How big's your penis, Chef?)
Chef	Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's, anyway.
	He giggles, somewhat embarrassed.
	Mr. Garrison's Classroom. Garrison is at his desk and Mr. Hat is across from him in a chair.
Mr. Garrison	Oh, I can't even concentrate on grading papers with all this excitement.
	Notices Mr. Hat.
Mr. Garrison	Why are you looking at me like that Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat	[Now on Mr. Garrison's hand.] Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering that Kathie Lee Gifford caused you?
Mr. Garrison	Mmm, mmm, Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago, and, and I was only a child.
Mr. Hat	We could have won that talent show, we could have been huge.
	Flashback to the National Talents Show Finals.
Lil Mr. Garrison	Knock knock, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat	Who's there?
Lil Mr. Garrison	Orange.
Mr. Hat	Orange who?
Lil Mr. Garrison	Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
	One person claps.
Mr. Hat	Thank you.
	Judges show scores of 8.9, 9, 7.8 and 9.2.
Lil Mr. Garrison	Wow Mr. Hat, looks like we might win.
Show Announcer	And now our last talent show finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein.
Lil Kathie Lee	If they could see me now, that little gang of mine. I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine. I'd like those stumble bums to see for a fact The kind of top-drawer first-rate chums I attract [Mexican puppet] All I can say is, "Wow-wee, look-a where I am." [Tourist puppet] Tonight I landed, Pow!, right in a pot of jam. What a setup! Holy Cow! They'd never believe it, if my friends could see me now!
	Crowd goes wild. Judges show all 10's. Little Garrison is shocked.
	In the present.
Mr. Garrison	It, it wasn't fair. She had choreography. How could we compete with that?
Mr. Hat	But now she's coming to South Park, and I know a way to make it all better.
Mr. Garrison	How?
	Mr. Hat whispers to Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison	No, Mr. Hat, I couldn't kill Kathie Lee Gifford!
	Mr. Garrison's Classroom, later in the day. The Mayor is now there.
Mayor McDaniels	Children, as you all know, Miss Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present the award to some kid for an essay.
Cartman	That kid is me.
Mayor McDaniels	Whatever. Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters do a play about the history of South Park.
Mr. Garrison	That'll be wonderful, won't it Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat	[In a demonic voice.] Kill her.
Mr. Garrison	[Whispers.] Mr. Hat!
Mayor McDaniels	Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play.
Mr. Garrison	Oh, that's perfect. You see Mr. Hat, we don't have to kill her. We can just upstage her.
Wendy	Mrs. Mayor, you might want to review the essays. We think Cartman might have cheated.
Mayor McDaniels	Who cares? Now kids, what's say we give it our South Park best!
	Silence.
Mayor McDaniels	And who's our little prize winner again?
Cartman	Me! Eric Cartman!
Mayor McDaniels	How about we get in shape, huh? We want to look our best for the TV cameras don't we?
Cartman	Yes ma'am. [Sings.] I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television.
	Bus Stop The kids have gotten off the bus and are going home.
Cartman	[Still singing.] ...I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television...
Stan	[Turning to face Cartman.] We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy.
Cartman	Egh, stop defending your little girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish.
Stan	Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
Cartman	Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.
Stan	Dolphins are way smarter than you!
Cartman	If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?
Stan	Dolphins don't live in igloos, that's Eskimos!
Cartman	Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares?! It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap!
Stan	Tell me what you wrote about!
Cartman	I can't. I have to go home and get in shape.
Stan	Yeah, right! You'll go and sit in front of the TV and eat Cheesy Poofs, ass-master!
Cartman	Screw you, hippie!
	Cartman's House. Cartman is sitting on the couch in front of the TV eating Cheesy Poofs.
TV Announcer	We'll be right back to Jesus and Pals, after this.
Beefcake	Hey!! You need to get in shape fast?! Wanna look your best?! Tired the other guys getting all the chicks?! Are you tired of being a 90 pound weakling?!
Cartman	Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds.
Beefcake	Then bulk up quick, with Weight Gain 4000!!
Cartman	Yes!
Beefcake	With over 4,000 grams of saturated fat per serving, its patented formula is designed to enter the mouth, and go to directly to the stomach where it is distributed to the bloodstream. Now available in stores everywhere. Get some today, and say with me: 'Beefcake!'
Cartman	Beefcake!
Beefcake	Beefcake!
Cartman	Beefcake!
Beefcake	Beefcake!
Beefcake, Cartman	[In unison] BEEFCAKE!
TV Announcer	May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver...
Cartman	Mom, can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?
Liane	Okay Eric, I'll get you some at the store tomorrow.
Cartman	But mom, I need it for tomorrow.
Liane	But tomorrow is grocery day Eric.
Cartman	[Shrieking.] Mm-mo-om, Ah-ee née-eed suh-ome Weight Gain Four Thousaaand! I need iiit!
Liane	Okay, okay, then. I guess I'll be going to the store now then.
	Cartman smiles broadly.
	Mr. Garrison's Bed. He hears Kathie Lee singing in his head: "If they could see me now, that little crowd of mine, and eating fancy chow..." He wakes up startled.
Mr. Garrison	No, no!
Mr. Hat	[In a demonic voice.] Kill her.
Mr. Garrison	No, Mr. Hat, I won't do it.
	Mr. Hat's head starts spinning slowly, demonically, his pupils glow red.
Mr. Hat	Kill!
Mr. Garrison	That does it, you're going in the dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat	She'll make a fool of you again.
Mr. Garrison	Well, you can just stay in that drawer Negative Nancy.
	Bus Stop, next morning.
	Cartman is a bit bigger and showing it off by wearing a Beefcake muscle shirt instead of layers of clothes.
Cartman	Hey dudes.
Kyle	What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman? Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow on the ground?
Cartman	Listen! I have a nice body and I want to show it off, you got that?
Stan	What? You've got to weight 90 pounds.
Cartman	I'm up to 94, thank you very much.
Kenny	(They're the biggest breasts that I've seen)
Kyle	Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's.
	The others laugh.
Cartman	Laugh all you want, I'm the one who's gonna be on TV, looking all buff.
	He chugs the can of Weight Gain.
Stan	What's that stuff?
Cartman	Weight Gain 4000, it's helping me bulk up.
Kyle	Bulk up to what, fat-ass?
Stan	Super fat-ass?
Cartman	Ey! I don't have to take that kind of crap from you scrawny weaklings!
	The bus Arrives and the others go in ahead of him.
Cartman	Eh, eh. Sweet. Check me out, I'm such a beefcake I can't even get through the door. Eh.
	Town Square. A flag goes up.
Mayor McDaniels	Come on people. We've got to turn this place around. Hang up the lights, string up the banners, castrate the cows!
Cows	[Out in a pasture.] Mooooo?
	Outdoor stage. The class has moved there to practice a play.
Mayor McDaniels	Well Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going?
Mr. Garrison	Huh? Oh, fine. We were just about to run it from the top.
Mayor McDaniels	Oh, please do. I'm dying to see it.
Mr. Garrison	Okay, all the little pioneers on this side of the stage.
	Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kevin Stoley go.
Mr. Garrison	Good. And all the little Indians go to the center of the stage.
	Pip, Kenny, Red, and Token go.
Clyde Donovan	Am I an Indian, or a pioneer?
Mr. Garrison	Do you have a feather on your head?
Clyde	Yes.
Mr. Garrison	Then you're an Indian.
Clyde	Oh.
Mr. Garrison	Okay Bebe, this is your line.
Bebe Stevens	[Haltingly.] This is the story of South Park. It begins over a hundred years ago. When the noble and hardy Ute Indians lived on the land.
	The curtains part to reveal Clyde, Token, Pip, Bertha, and Kenny, all dressed like Indians, sitting in a circle beneath a prop teepee.
Mayor McDaniels	Oh, don't they look adorable?
Bebe	Then, from the east, came the great white pioneers.
	Pioneers come on stage and start beating the Indians and tossing them about. Screams are everywhere, and a tee-pee falls in front of Kenny.
Mayor McDaniels	Oh my God!
Mr. Garrison	They did it a lot better this morning, they had more energy.
Bebe	The pioneers met with the Indians, and negotiated for their fertile lands.
	Kevin the Indian lands by her, with blood oozing out of a gash on his head. She steps aside. Pioneer Butters punches Indian Pip repeatedly.
Mayor McDaniels	Mr. Garrison, we can not have our children beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford.
Mr. Garrison	Well, what do you want? This is how it happened in those days.
Stan	Take that you stupid Indian!
	Stan beats Clyde the Indian with the butt of his gun.
Clyde	Dow!
Mayor McDaniels	Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate. Do you actually think Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this?!?
Mr. Garrison	To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!
	All stop and gasp.
Mr. Garrison	Oh my God, what have I said?
Townsman	He said, "To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!"
	Boos all around.
Mayor McDaniels	Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play.
	Garrison skulks away.
	Mr. Garrison's House.
Mr. Hat	[In his deep voice.] It happened again didn't it? Now we do things my way.
Mr. Garrison	I can't kill her Mr. Hat...you're gonna have to do it.
	Mr. Hat laughs.
	Town Square Stage.
Kyle	Whoa, Cartman. Talk about wide load.
	Cartman is much bigger now.
Cartman	Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.
Kyle	You're not filling out nicely, you're fatter than ever!
Cartman	I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!
Kyle	Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street people go "God damn it, that's a big fat ass!"
Cartman	No they don't, you jealous weakling!
Townsman	God damn, that's a big fat ass!
Cartman	Hey!
Wendy	Hi guys.
Cartman	Oh look, another hippie.
	Cartman gives her the peace sign.
Cartman	Peace, Wendy.
Stan	Shut up Cartman!
Cartman	Oooh, Two little hippies sit'n' in a tree...
	Wendy moves by Cartman and then whispers to Stan.
Wendy	I'm gonna find Cartman's paper and get to the bottom of this.
Cartman	...K I S S I N G. First comes the baby and...
	Jimbo's Guns. There is a poster welcoming Kathie Lee on the left side of the store entrance.
Jimbo Kern	Can I help you?
Mr. Garrison	Yes... I need a gun.
Jimbo	Would this be for hunting, home protection, or other?
Mr. Garrison	Other.
Jimbo	Alrighty then! May I suggest a Stratford 12mm? Here, try it on!
	Hands Mr. Garrison a gun.
Jimbo	That looks really nice on you. The lacquered black really matches your eyes.
Mr. Garrison	[To Mirror.] You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? [To Jimbo.] I don't know, it's a little small.
Jimbo	Okay, how about this?
Mr. Garrison	[To Mirror.] You talkin' to me? [To Jimbo.] Hmm, no, I don't like this one either.
Jimbo	Here's the same gun, with a wood finish.
Mr. Garrison	[To Mirror.] You talkin' to me? I don't see anybody else around here, so you must be talkin' to me. [To Jimbo.] I'll take it!
	Mr. Garrison's Classroom, lights out. Wendy enters.
Wendy	Hello?
	She sneaks over to file cabinet. Sees her paper first and is disgusted to find Cartman's question in writing: "If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?" Then she finds Cartman's paper.
Wendy	My essay by Eric Cartman: "When I wrote the following pages, or rather the bulk of them, I lived alone in the woods on the shore of..."
	Mr. Garrison enters. Wendy hides.
Mr. Garrison	Well, Mr. Hat, I guess ol' Kathie Lee really will be surprised when she gets here tomorrow. She beat us in the talent show all those years ago. And I think we owe her for that. Babang!
Wendy	[Hushed.] Oh my God.
	Town Square. Mr. Garrison walks down the street with his rifle as if it's normal.
Townsman	Howdy Mr. Garrison, nice gun.
Mr. Garrison	Thank you.
Townswoman	Nice gun Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison	Thanks.
	He approaches Officer Barbrady.
Mr. Garrison	Hello Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady	Nice Gun.
Mr. Garrison	Thanks. Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - er, view - of Kathie Lee.
Officer Barbrady	Hmmmm. You know, I think the book depository would be a good bet.
	They look up at it. Two vultures fly around it.
Mr. Garrison	Yes, that might do quite nicely. Thank you Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady	No problem.
	He turns to a fan walking by with a camera.
Officer Barbrady	Heah! Caught you red handed. No Pictures of Kathie Lee!
Mayor McDaniels	[On stage.] Where is she?
	Cartman, off stage, looming over his friends now.
Cartman	This is sweet. Camera crews are setting up and I'm looking totally ripped. Beefcake. Beefcaaake!
Kyle	I don't think they're going to be able to get all of you in frame Cartman.
Wendy	[Rushing in.] You guys, we have to stop him!
Kyle	Stop who?
Wendy	Mr. Garrison. He's going to try to kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
Cartman	Oh no you don't, you're not going to ruin my moment of fame.
Wendy	He's got a gun!
Cartman	You got to get over this whole jealousy thing. Eihh, seriously. Just face it, I wrote a better paper than you.
Wendy	It just so happens that I have your paper, and I know why you won! There's something more important right now. Let's go!
Stan	Wendy, you got to prioritize. What's more important? Being on TV or some stupid assassination?
Wendy	[Sweetly.] Stan, I can't do it alone. Please?
	Stan falters and looks down, unable to resist her.
Kyle	Uh oh, we're losing him.
	Cartman looks down at Stan.
Mayor McDaniels	Here she comes.
	The band starts playing. Kathie Lee comes in riding in bullet proof 'bubble' on the back of a truck.
	Mr. Garrison, looking on from the book depository window.
Mr. Garrison	Damn, I guess I'm not the only person in America who's thought of killing Kathie Lee Gifford.
Townswoman	We love you Kathie Lee, heh heh.
Kathie Lee Gifford	I love you, too.
Mr. Garrison	Come on you little b***. [Takes aim.]* You got to come out of your precious bubble sooner or later, missy.
Mayor McDaniels	[On stage.] It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.
	Crowd cheers.
Mayor McDaniels	...And now, our very own South Park Elementary chef will sing a special song in honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford.
Chef	Thank you Mr. Mayor. You know Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman. I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way. Or, or special in an Extra Value Meal at Happy Burger way. Noo nononono. I mean special. Like the song of uh, the humming bird as it gets ready to find that female hummingbird and make sweet love to it all night long. Just two humming birds moaning and, and groaning and, and their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy. Oh, Kathie Lee, how I'd love to lay you dowwwwn. And lick every inch of your bodaay with my tongue.
Mayor McDaniels	What?
Chef	Kathie Lee, you're my sexual fantasy.
Mayor McDaniels	What? Oh God!
Chef	How 'bout you and meee-
	Quickly taking the mic from him.
Mayor McDaniels	Uh, Thank you Chef, for that heartwarming song.
Chef	-get together and make... sweet... love?
Mayor McDaniels	Thank you Chef!
	She grabs the mike and drags him off.
Chef McDaniels	Oh, oh. God bless you Kathie Lee!
Wendy	[Wendy and Stan run up.] Officer Barbrady, Mr. Garrison is about to kill Kathie Lee! We have to find him!
Officer Barbrady	What? You mean the teacher? Wait a minute. [Flashes back.]
Mr. Garrison	Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - er, view - of Kathie Lee.
Officer Barbrady	Hmm, you know, I think the book depository would be a good bet—I think the book depository would be a good bet—book depository—depository—depository—depository ...
	His face gets bigger with every repetition. He snaps to.
Officer Barbrady	Damn, he could be anywhere! I'll send out an APB!
Stan	Wendy, look!
	Points to book depository.
	Back on stage.
Mayor McDaniels	And now, here to present the award for the environmental essay to our own, Eric Kauffman...
Cartman	Cartman, God damn it.
Mayor McDaniels	...is your favorite celebrity, and mine, [Crowd cheers.] Kathie Lee Gifford!
	Kathie Lee is thrust up on stage in her bubble by her security force. Cartman's mom hugs her heart.
Kathie Lee	Thank you. I love you all.
	Stan and Wendy reach the Book Depository.
Stan	Mr. Garrison, stop!
Mr. Garrison	Leave us. We must finish what we have begun.
Wendy	I know that she's hurt you. She's hurt a lot of people.
Mr. Garrison	You can't know.
Wendy	You should have won that talent show.
	On the stage.
Kathie Lee	It is with great honor and pride that I present the winner his trophy. Eric, would you please come up here?
Cartman	Here it is, my big moment of fame.
	Book Depository.
Mr. Garrison	...and then she finished it all by throwing her voice with two dummies at once.
Wendy	I know that Mr. Garrison, but this isn't the answer.
Mr. Garrison	It is... too late for me, young Wendy.
	Cartman gets on stage, with help from Kyle and Kenny. Mr. Garrison takes aim.
Wendy	You see, I've learned something today, you can't win all the time, and if you don't win, you certainly can't hold it against the person who did, because that's the only way you ever really lose.
	Lowering his weapon.
Mr. Garrison	You... you're right.
Wendy	Gooood.
Stan	Man, did she really throw her voice with two dummies at once?
Mr. Hat	[Snapping into position.] The b**** must die!
	The stage. Cartman's weight breaks it.
Kathie Lee	Ooohhhh!
	She flies through the air. Mr. Garrison fires at her, thinking she is still on stage. Kenny is hit.
Kenny	(Oh no!)
	He flies through the air and is impaled through the head by a flag pole. He slides on down.
Kyle	[gasps] Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards!
	Kathie Lee's bubble lands on the truck.
Agent 1	Gun!
Agent 2	Gun!
Kyle	Hey, come back! We didn't even get to do our play.
	The entourage leaves and the crowd groans.
TV Crew Director	I guess that's it, guys. Wrap it up.
Cartman	Hey! Wait a minute! When do I get to be on television?
TV Crew Director	Forget it kid. No Kathie Lee, no public interest.
Cartman	[Whining.] But I won the environmental essay contest.
Wendy	You don't deserve to win Cartman. And you know it.
	Into mic.
Wendy	I'm holding Cartman's award winning paper. It's actually nothing more than Walden, with Henry David Thoreau's name crossed out, and Cartman's name written in its place.
Townsman 1	Who cares?
Townsman 2	Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone.
Stan	Wha, What about, not holding anything against the person who wins?
Wendy	Well, not if it's Cartman.
	Into mic.
Wendy	Hey, where are you all going!
	Aside.
Wendy	They don't even know what Walden is.
	Into mic.
Wendy	I bet if Walden was a sitcom you'd all know what it was.
Stan	Come on Wendy, Kyle's mom will make us tuna fish sandwiches.
Wendy	Ah, what the hell.
	Kids walk out.
Mayor McDaniels	Nohoho nooo. Now I'll be stuck in this Podunk town forever, with all these stupid hick, redneck, jobless, truck driving idiots!
Ted	Uh, Mayor, the mic is on.
	In front of flag pole.
Officer Barbrady	[Arresting Mr. Hat.] Thought you could get away with it, eh Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat	Well, I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids.
Officer Barbrady	You're lucky that you missed Kathie Lee Gifford and that nobody got hurt.
	Apparently, he didn't see Kenny get impaled. Kenny's corpse slides down to base of flag pole.
	South Park Mental Home, Mr. Garrison's Hospital Room.
Stan	We hope you can come back to school real soon Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison	Well children, I'd love to, but the doctors say that Mr. Hat needs more therapy.
	Mr. Hat is in a straitjacket.
Mr. Hat	We can still get her! Let mmm--
Mr. Garrison	I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances for being on TV.
Kyle	Not Cartman, he gets to be on TV anyway.
Mr. Garrison	Really, on what?
	Geraldo.
Geraldo Rivera	Obesity, adiposity, corpulence... Whatever word you use, it represents one thing: Being a big fat-ass. We have with us today, live via satellite, Eric Cartman from South Park, who is now so obese he can't even get out of his house.
Cartman	When is this going to be on the air?
Geraldo	Is there anything you'd like to say to people out there?
Cartman	Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals; I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcaaake!
	Chef's Bedroom.
Chef	He needs to run his ass around the block a few times.
Kathie Lee	Hmmm, how about a little more of that good lovin' Chef?
Chef	Damn woman, I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago. You trying to kill me?
Fin de Muscle Plus 4000