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Monsieur Hankey, le petit caca Noël

	The kids are gathered on stage at one end of South Park Elementary's gym.
Class	We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year!
	Stan steps forth from the choir and heads towards center stage.
Stan	Lights, please.
	The lights dim. He steps into the spotlight and quotes from the Gospel of Luke (2:8-11,14).
Stan	And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, an angel of the Lord came upon them, and they were sore afraid, and the angel said unto them, 'Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, for born unto you this day in the city of ...David is the Savior, Jesus Christ, the Lord. Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, goodwill towards men' And now, South Park Elementary presents the Birth of Jesus.
	Stan steps aside while presenting the Nativity scene. The curtains open, and nine students stand in and around the grotto. Kenny is the angel floating above the manger, Wendy is Mary, about to give birth; Kyle is Joseph, ready to receive Jesus; Cartman is one of the three shepherds on the left side of the stage, and three Wise Men stand on the right side. Wendy is simulating birth pangs.
Wendy	Unh [labored breathing] Oh!
Kyle	Come on, Mary! Push!
Wendy	Aaaah!
Kyle	I can see its head!
Wendy	UUuuhh-UUuuhh.
	A doll pops out beside Mary and flips through the air. Joseph catches it.
Kyle	It's a boy!
	Unfortunately, he's now holding the doll wrong.
Cartman	Oohhhh!
Kenny	(Kyle has Jesus' head instead!)
Mr. Garrison	Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, Kyle, what the hell was that? You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head. What kind of sick weirdo are you?
Kyle	...Sorry.
Mr. Garrison	And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains.
Wendy	Okay.
	Sheila approaches Mr. Garrison.
Sheila	Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?!
Mr. Garrison	Well, I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play, but your son was holding the baby Jesus fetus by the head.
	Mary and Joseph are now looking at them argue.
Sheila	How dare you include the Nativity in a school play? Don't you realize my son is Jewish?!
	Kyle drops his head.
Mr. Garrison	...So?
Sheila	So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathea?
Mr. Garrison	Because it's Christmas???
Sheila	Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas.
	All the kids gasp.
Mr. Garrison	Oh god, you're not gonna lay that Hanukkah crap on me, are you?
Sheila	Whatwhatwhaaat?!? You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Garrison!!
Cartman	Oh dude! Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!
	Kyle shoots back.
Kyle	Shut up, fat boy!
Cartman	I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.
Stan	Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?
Mr. Garrison	Oh-kay! Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?
Sheila	How about the dreidel song, bubbe?
Kyle	I can sing the Mr. Hankey song...
Mr. Garrison	The Mr. Hankey song-how does that go?
Kyle	Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo he loves me and I love y-
Stan	Christmas Poo?
Cartman	What the hell is Christmas Poo?
Kyle	Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Haven't you guys ever heard of it?
Sheila	Kyle, that is enough!
Mr. Garrison	See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan.
Sheila	Now that does it! I'm going straight to the mayor about you, Mr Garrison.
	Mr. Garrison interrupts and follows her
Mr. Garrison	Oh wait wait wait. I'm sorry. Was it the pagan remark?
	Wendy gets up.
Wendy	You guys, look! It's snowing!
	Snow is seen through a window. The kids step out of costume and rush out of school to take advantage of this opportunity, cheering all the way.
	In the school playground.
Stan	Whoa, Christmas snow!
Wendy	Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue.
	A soft instrumental starts up.
Wendy	It's fun.
	The kids shuffle back and forth catching snowflakes. When Kenny looks up an eagle passes overhead and dumps a load - right on Kenny's face.
	Cartman is watching with glee.
Kenny	P'tooui.
Stan	That was sick, dude!
	Cartman seeing Kyle lolling for a snowflake.
Cartman	Hey!
	Kyle is taken aback
Cartman	What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow!
Kyle	We can, too!
Stan	...Nnnaw I think it's against the law, dude.
Kyle	Officer Barbrady!
Officer Barbrady	What?
	A car screeches to a halt as Officer Barbrady raises his arm.
Kyle	Is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?
	After a long pause.
Officer Barbrady	Yyess.
Kyle	Damnit!
Stan	Hey come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.
Cartman	Yeah. We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents.
Kyle	No. But I get Hanukkah presents for eight days.
Cartman	Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that.
Stan	We'll catch up with you later, Kyle.
	Stan walks off with Wendy and the others.
Kyle	Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
Stan	Wha-what is this about Christmas Poo, dude?
Kyle	Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
Cartman	Uh, Kyle? Come on, seriously? You are really reaching right now.
Kyle	Well! You're gonna be sorry when you see me riding around on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fatass!
Cartman	You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh 'cause you're a Jew, Kyle.
	Cartman and walks away.
Stan	See you around, dude.
	Stan follows Cartman away.
	Kyle is left alone in the playground as winds howl around him. The camera zooms in on him as the intro to his song plays.
Kyle	It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas My friends won't let me join in any games And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree or leave water out for Rudolph 'cause there's something wrong with me My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity I'm a Jew A lonely Jew On Christmas...
	He walks away, then peeks at the mall from behind a tree. Stan is on Santa's lap while Cartman and Kenny wait in line, now forming on Santa's left.
Kyle	Channukah is nice, but why is it That Santa passes over my house every year? And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latke Instead of Silent Night I'm singing huhash dogavish And what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles, tell me please? I'm a Jew A lonely Jew I'd be merry But I'm Hebrew On Christ-maas.
	He walks down the road, past a Toy Shoppe and a stand of Christmas trees. The camera pulls back as he walks out of view.
	Outside City Hall a crowd gathers.
Mayor McDaniels	Ahem. Okay everybody, settle down.
Large woman	Mayor, we are deeply offended by the Nativity scene in front of the capital office. Church and State are separate!
Some men	No! Wrong!
	Kyle appearing among his friends.
Kyle	What's going on, you guys?
Stan	The whole town's pissed off at each other. It's really sweet.
Sheila	That isn't all, Mayor! The school play is doing a Nativity scene! It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community!
Mr. Garrison	You are the Jewish community!
Crowd	Yeah! Yeah!
Cartman	Oh, boy! Super-bitch is at it again!
Kyle	Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Father Maxi	Mayor, the Nativity is what Christmas is all about. If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all of that garbage, too!
	The crowd cheers in agreement.
Woman	Hallelujah!
Man	Amen!
Tree hugger	And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!
Man 1	Raah!
Man 2	Give me a break!
Uncle Jimbo	And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids. If you don't want to spill your coffee, you shouldn't be driving with it.
	The crowd processes Jimbo's words.
Crowd	Yeah! Yeah!
Mayor McDaniels	Okay, people, we clearly need to reach a compromise. Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas.
Assistant 1	Oooo, brilliant idea, Mayor!
	The crowd mulls over the suggestion.
Kyle	Hey! How about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?
Mayor McDaniels	Ex-cuse me?
Kyle	Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
Sheila	Kyle! Sshhh!
Kyle	It's true. He doesn't care what faith you are. Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo he loves me and I love you Therefore, vicariously he loves you Even if-
Cartman	[stopping Kyle] Don't mind him. He's a very disturbed little boy.
Kenny	(Kyle's lost it!)
Stan	Yeah.
Sheila	Okay, Kyle, we're leaving right nowww.
	Sheila drags him away.
Kyle	Wait...
Mayor McDaniels	Anyway, I'll put together a crack team of my best workers to make sure this'll be the most non-offensive Christmas ever - to any religious or minority group of any kind. Are there any other suggestions?
	Mr. Garrison raises his hand.
Mayor McDaniels	Yes, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison	Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?
	Looks back, then.
Mayor McDaniels	No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans.
Mr. Garrison	Rats!
	Kyle's house, the living room. Ike opens up his present - a dreidel. He gives it a spin. The camera pans to the right and stops at Kyle and his dad.
Gerald Broflovski	It is sick and disgusting, and we simply will not have it!
	Sheila pops out from behind Gerald.
Sheila	Your father's right, Kyle.
Gerald	Sheila, let me handle this. Having imaginary friends is fine, Kyle, but this simply will not do!
	Sheila pops out again.
Sheila	Listen to your father, Kyle.
	The dreidel has gone off to the right, and Ike goes after it, bumping into the coffee table. The Channukah menorah on it (day 6) falls on Ike, and he begins to burn.
Gerald	Now, I want you to repeat after me: 'There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey'.
Kyle	But dad, he always sh...
Gerald	Say it!
Kyle	There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
Gerald	Again!
Kyle	There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
	Sheila pops out again.
Sheila	This is for your own good, bubbe.
Gerald	Now, you go brush your teeth and march into bed! You won't be opening your Channukah present tonight!
Kyle	[softly, under his breath] Probably just another stupid dreidel anyway.
Gerald	What did you say?!
	Kyle enters his room.
Kyle	I said Ike's on fire!
Ike	Oh oh. On flame? Oh oh. On flame?
Sheila	OH MY GOD!
	Gerald quickly smothers Ike with a blanket to douse the flames.
	Kyle's house, the bathroom. He is brushing his teeth.
Kyle	It isn't fair! I don't want to be an outcast!
	A voice is echoing from the toilet
Voice	Kyle.
	Kyle faces the toilet, then returns to brushing his teeth.
Kyle	I'm not hearing that.
Voice	Kyle.
	Kyle hops down and goes to the toilet, then looks into it.
Kyle	Mr. Hankey?
	Mr. Hankey pops up and makes his entrance wearing white gloves and a red elf cap.
Mr. Hankey	Howwwwdy-hoooo.
	Mr. Hankey jumps onto the sink.
Mr. Hankey	Howdy-ho, Kyle. Gosh, you're looking swell.
Kyle	[now wary] Go away, Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey	You know something, Kyle? You smell an awful lot like flowers.
Kyle	I said go away! My father said you aren't real.
Mr. Hankey	Not real? Well shucks. If I weren't real, could I sing this jolly Christmas song?
	He begins to sing. As he does so, he skips around the room and leaves bits of poo behind.
Mr. Hankey	Santa Claus is on his way He's loaded goodies on his sleigh To drop them off on Christmas Day And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'.
Kyle	Mr. Hankey! Sshhhh! I'll get in trouble.
Mr. Hankey	Folks'll gather round the fire sing a song, stroll the choir Pretty song they'll all retire And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'.
	He leaves 'NOEL' written in poop on the vanity mirror.
	Gerald knocks on the door.
Gerald	Kyle, what are you doing in there?
Kyle	Nothing.
	He knocks again.
Gerald	Open this door!
Mr. Hankey	I hope that Santa comes real soon I've been waiting for some we...
Kyle	Mr. Hankey, come here.
	Kyle grabs Mr. Hankey and muffles him, and turns as Gerald opens the door. Gerald sees a bathroom smeared with feces everywhere, and a boy facing him holding a big piece of it in his left hand. He gasps and remains speechless.
Gerald	KYLE!
	Kyle throttles the poo.
Kyle	Say something, Mr. Hankey!
	It falls over, and Kyle looks forsaken.
	Kyle's bedroom. Kyle is now in bed.
Gerald	Now, you get to sleep, and think about how your poor mother has to clean that bathroom up!
Sheila	Whatwhatwhaaat?! Me?!
	Gerald looks towards his room and quickly closes the door.
	Mr. Hankey is now on Kyle's comforter.
Mr. Hankey	Howdy-ho!
Kyle	Mr. Hankey! Where the hell did you go?
Mr. Hankey	You should be wearing socks to sleep, Kyle. You're gonna catch a cold.
Kyle	Nobody believes in you, not even my friends.
Mr. Hankey	Aw, gee, that's too bad.
Kyle	Hey! How about you come to school with me tomorrow, so I can at least prove I'm not crazy to my friends.
Mr. Hankey	Say, that sounds like a swell idea. We can show everyone the true spirit of Christmas.
Kyle	Yeah! We'll show them!
	Kyle smiles, pleased with the idea.
	Downtown South Park.
Mayor McDaniels	Okay, people, we've got to turn this place around! Take down anything that is offensive to any specific group!
	The crowd sets about dismantling the decorations. A man removes Santa's head from his sleigh and tosses it onto the street.
	Uncle Jimbo calls forth from his shop.
Uncle Jimbo	Is mistletoe offensive?
Mayor McDaniels	Is anyone offended by mistletoe?
	One man raises his hand.
Mayor McDaniels	Lose the mistletoe!
	Jimbo clips it off.
	Bus stop.
Stan	You guys! I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas!
Cartman	How do you know?
Stan	'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.
Cartman	Yeah? Well I sneaked around my mom's closet too, and saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.
Stan	What's that?
Cartman	I don't know, but it sounds pretty sweet.
	Kyle arrives.
Kyle	Hello, everybodyyy.
Stan	What's in the box, dude?
Kyle	It's a surprise.
Cartman	Let me see!
	The boys gather around the box.
Kyle	O-Okay. But don't scare him...
	A shot of what Mr. Hankey sees as Stan pops the lid open, then a top-down view as the poo is shown in all its glory. Cartman and Stan blink.
Stan	[angrily] Dude, sick!!!
	Kyle looks down at his poo.
Cartman	Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?
Kenny	(That is the sickest thing I have ever fucking seen!)
Kyle	Wait! You guys! He's alive!
	Kyle jostles the box.
Stan	Kyle, I think you'd better get home and get some sleep.
	Kyle is shaking the box now.
Kyle	Come on, dance! Daaance! Dance, damn you!!
	Research Center, a Researcher is shown before at least six subjects.
Researcher	Now this is very simple. I'm going to say words and the computer will measure how offended you are by them. In this way we can find out which words are least offensive for use in the holiday season. Are we ready?
	The group looks back at him.
Researcher	Here we go: Christ
	Two responses.
Researcher	Hm. Okay. Cherub.
	No response.
Researcher	Hm... Camel
	One response.
Researcher	Hm. Sad.
	No response.
Researcher	Stupid Wop Dago.
	All respond.
Researcher	Bench...
	South Park Elementary, the school gym. The janitors are clearing out the decorations.
Mr. Garrison	Aw, do you have to take away the Christmas tree, too?
Janitor 2	Mayor's orders.
Mr. Garrison	Okay, children, I'm really having a hard time with our Christmas play. The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.
Cartman	Thanks to Kyle's mother.
Kyle	Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison	So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs.
	Cartman raises his hand.
Mr. Garrison	Yes, Eric?
Cartman	How about we sing "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch", in D minor.
Kyle	I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Cartman	O-ho. Weeeeeeeeeellll Kyle's mom is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls.
Kyle	Shut up, Cartman!
	Mr. Hankey pops to life.
Mr. Hankey	Howdy-ho!
Kyle	[hushed] Mr. Hankey.
Cartman	Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a super King Kamehameha bi-atch!
	The class is clapping along gleefully by now, while Kyle looks at Cartman with ire.
Mr. Hankey	Golly, that isn't very nice.
	Kyle turns to hear him.
Mr. Hankey	I'd sure like to teach him a lesson.
	Mr. Garrison joins in the clapping, but he's off beat.
Cartman	Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a mean ole bitch 'cause she has stupid hair, she a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch! KYLE'S MOOOM IS A - BIIIIII-I-I-ITCH - aahh.
Kyle	Mr. Hankey, no!
Mr. Hankey	Mmmrrr-aaarrrggghhh!!!
	Mr. Hankey attacks Cartman.
Mr. Garrison	What the...
	The poo is now on the floor, and the class gasps.
Cartman	Gross, Kyle!
Mr. Garrison	Oh my lord, Kyle, did you just throw doo-doo at Eric?
Kyle	Uuuuuuhh...
Cartman	YOU SICK BASTARD!
	Some snickers are heard.
	The counselor's office, the window showing silhouettes of Kyle and Mr. Mackey. Another student waits outside.
Mr. Mackey, Jr.	Now, uh, Kyle, as your school counselor, uh I want to try and help you confront your problems, 'kay?
Kyle	I don't have a problem.
Mr. Mackey	Well it-it's my understanding that you umhm, yu-you have an acute case of fecophilia.
Kyle	What's that?
Mr. Mackey	Well-uh, a fecophiliac is somebody who's obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle.
Kyle	Mookie-stinks?
Mr. Mackey	Now I also understand that you're Jewish. Is that right, Kyle?
Kyle	Wull, not on purpose.
Mr. Mackey	So this must be a pretty hard time of year for you, being Christmas and all. Do the other kids make fun of ya?
Kyle	Well, sometimes...
Mr. Mackey	And that must make you mad.
Kyle	Well sure.
Mr. Mackey	Mad enough to kill, Kyle???
	Mr. Mackey looks at him up close.
Kyle	No, dude!
Mr. Mackey	Oh that's good. You see, Kyle, sometimes we feel like an outsider, we-we create friends, Okay-in our minds, Okay?
Kyle	But Mr. Hankey seemed so real...
Mr. Mackey	Well of course he does; in your screwed-up little head he's the only friend you have.
	Mr. Mackey sips from his coffee cup, Mr. hankey is now bathing in the cup.
Mr. Hankey	Kyle!
	Kyle lowers his head.
Mr. Hankey	Howdy-ho.
	Kyle is shocked.
Mr. Mackey	Right now you're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad, m'kay-I mean, you're one screwed-up little kid do you understand?
	Kyle looks back up in horror at the counselor, who takes another sip of coffee. Kyle closes his eyes in dread anticipation. Mr. Hankey is still bathing in Mr. Mackey's coffee.
Mr. Hankey	Santa's loaded up his sleigh flying around his merry way...
Mr. Mackey	To try and stay positive stay away from drug and alcohol, and in the meantime I'm gonna put you on a heavy regimen of Prozac...
	Mr. Mackey notices the poo in his cup and gasps.
Mr. Mackey	Uuuuuuugghh-oh my God, you sick little monkey!
	Kyle's mouth is twisted with chagrin.
	South Park Elementary, the school gym. Christmas lights are still hanging and lit.
Mr. Garrison	Okay, children, we've just received word from the mayor that the Christmas play can't include any Christmas lights, since they offend people with epilepsy...
Students	Hhmm.
Mr. Garrison	...so Kenny, would you please go over and pull the lights cords out of the wall?
	a low faucet is dripping next to the outlet, creating a puddle that goes past it. The class looks at the sight, then Kenny goes over...
Mr. Garrison	Careful now, Kenny, those are very, very dangerous.
	Kenny tugs at the cords and they come out. He looks at the class, then walks back to his spot.
Mr. Garrison	Okay. Now let's practice our...
	Mr. Mackey rushes in, followed by Kyle.
Mr. Mackey	No! Get away from me!
Kyle	Here. Just look more closely at it.
Mr. Mackey	No! Go away! Stan, you need to do something about your friend, m'kay. Get him out of here before he hurts anybody! M'kay?
	South Park Mental House.
Stan	Hullo, we need to commit our friend, Kyle please.
Nurse	Reason?
Kyle	I'm a clinically depressed fecophiliac on Prozac.
Nurse	Any allergies?
Kyle	No.
Nurse	Jacket!
	Two burly men come out through the doors on either side of the nurse and wrap Kyle up, then take him inside, chattering all the while.
Cartman	Bye, Kyle! Happy Channukah!
	South Park Elementary, the school gym.
Mr. Garrison	Okay, children, does everyone have their leotards on?
	They do, and just look back. The camera now looks out to the audience.
Artsy Man	Good, it looks like they have taken the Christmas trees down.
His Date	Yes, and there's nothing Christian, either. This should be great!
Sheila	Oh, this could be such a wonderful Christmas play - I wish our little Kyle was here to see it.
	Sheila is now sobbing.
	South Park Mental House.
Kyle	Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I will play Second verse, same as the first Dreidel, dreidel, dreidelll-I ma...
	South Park Elementary, the school gym. The MC is on stage.
MC	Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday...
Man 1	[pointing] Wait, wait, there's a star above the stage. That's very offensive to non-Christians.
Uncle Jimbo	Oh, come on!
Man 1	Hey! Don't put your beliefs on me, buddy!
Randy Marsh	I agree.
	Mr. Garrison peeks through the curtain.
Mr. Garrison	Oh brother.
	He steps back.
Mr. Garrison	Kenny, would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above the stage?
	Kenny approaches the ladder and starts climbing.
Mr. Garrison	And be careful not to fall in that little pool below you, Kenny, the shark for the third act is in there.
	Kenny looks down at the pool.
Kenny	(Hunh?)
	He looks back at Mr. Garrison.
MC	Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday Experience. Before we bring out the kiddies for the play, here's a non-offensive, non-denominational holiday song by the school chef.
Chef	I'm gonna lay you down by the Yule log I'm gonna love you right Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls And silence your nights.
	Kenny reaches the star and makes sure he's safe.
Chef	You'll hear the herald angels sing When I'm sliding off your bra I just can't wait to jingle your bells and falala your love... You can break my heart, and that means...
Stan	I wish Kyle was here. It just doesn't seem right without him.
Chef	...We should make love,
Cartman	Well. Ol' Kyle's gonna be locked up for a while, so get used to it.
Chef	...'Cause if we don't-
Mr. Garrison	Okay, kids, get ready to take your places.
	The crowd cheers.
MC	Thank you, Chef!
	Kenny finally descends with the star.
Kenny	(Phew!)
MC	And now, South Park Elementary presents the happy, non-offensive, non-denominational Christmas Play, with music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer, Philip Glass!
	Philip Glass moves into position and start playing his keyboards. The curtains draw back, and the kids look out at the audience. They begin to move around.
Voice-over	As I turn and look into the sun, the rays burn my eyes.
	A track saying "Happy Happy Happy, Everybody Happy" is added, along with an arpeggio. Members of the audience look confused.
Voice-over	How like a turtle the sun looks.
Sheila	What the hell is this???
	The kids just keep moving and turning.
Sheila	This is horrible!!!
Father Maxi	This is the most God-awful piece of crap I've ever seen!!
Mr. Garrison	You're the ones who made it this way!
Father Maxi	Yeah, it's because the Jews said it couldn't be Christian.
Gerald	It wasn't our idea to take out Santa Claus!
Elderly Tree Hugger	All you bastards ruined Christmas!
	The crowd descends into brawling. A person in blue is thrown towards the stage. The Broflovskis trap Father Maxi.
Gerald	Get him in the ribs!
	Sheila punches Father Maxi.
Father Maxi	Oof.
	Picking up the elderly tree-hugger.
Man in audience	Damn tree-hugger!
	Tosses him away.
Stan	This sucks, dude. This is like the worst Christmas I have ever seen.
Wendy	Yeah.
	Chef is now on stage behind the children.
Chef	Say, where's Kyle?
Stan	We committed him.
Chef	What? Why?
Cartman	'Cause. He kept seeing this little brown piece of Christmas poo everywhere that he went.
Chef	Chirstmas poo? You yuh-you mean Mr. Hankey.
Stan	Huh?! O-oh.
	The crowd continues to brawl. Sheila uses a chair on her husband, who quickly falls to the floor. She watches him fall.
	A Mr. Hankey Commercial Plays.
	Back at the gym. The man in blue is thrown from his post for the third time - an obvious blooper, as the Broflovskis have Father Maxi trapped again.
Stan	This is horrible! Everybody's fighting and my best friend is in an institution, all because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey!
Chef	Well! You can believe in him now.
	A woman backs up across the stage as a man flies towards her. The crowd is more violent now.
Woman	AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH.
Stan	I believe.
	A piano begins to play softly.
Wendy	I believe in Mr. Hankey.
	A shoebox at one side of the stage starts to jump, and the lid pops off. Mr. Hankey jumps up and floats in the air, surrounded by pixie dust.
Mr. Hankey	Hoooowwwwwdy-ho!!!
	Everyone on stage gasps.
Mr. Hankey	Howdy, folks. Gosh you sure do smell all nice and flowery.
Cartman, Stan	Whoa!!
Mr. Hankey	Howdy-ho, Chef!
Chef	Howdy-ho, Mr. Hankey!
Cartman	Okay, that does it! Screw this, I'm goin home!
	Moves toward stage left.
Cartman	Talking poo is where I draw the line!
Mr. Hankey	What's all the ruckus?
Chef	I'm glad you're here, Mr. Hankey. The whole town is about to kill each other.
Mr. Hankey	I reckon this could be a job for Mr. Hankey!
	He sees the crowd fighting and whistles. They stop and turn to see him.
Mr. Hankey	STOP FIGHTING!!
The Mayor	Oh my God, what the hell is that thing?
Mr. Hankey	Come on, gang, don't fight. You people focus so hard on the things wrong with Christmas that you've forgotten what's so right about it. Don't you see? This is the one time of year we're s'posed to forget all the bad stuff, to stop worrying and being sad about the state of the world, and for just one day say, "Aw, the heck with it! Let's sing and dance and bake cookies".
	Father Maxi finally gets up from the floor as a single person begins to clap, and the crowd turns to see that the person clapping is Gerald. Then others start clapping and the town begins to cheer. Mr. Hankey is overjoyed at the response.
Stan	Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
	South Park Mental House. Kyle sits on the floor of a padded room.
Kyle	I'm a Jew A lonely Jew...
Mr. Hankey	Howdy-ho, Kyle!!!
	Thinking it's a hallucination.
Kyle	Oh no, I'm not sane yet!
Mr. Hankey	I brought some friends with me.
Kyle	Friends?
	Kyle gets up and looks lout a small window. He sees all the townsfolk and smiles, relieved.
Townsfolk	Merry Christmas, Kyle Broflovski!!!
Kyle	You mean you can see him? Ah-I'm not crazy?
	The nurse releases him and he rushes out the door. Mr. Hankey follows.
Townsfolk	Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo...
	Mr. Hankey kisses Kyle.
Townsfolk	...he loves me and I love you Therefore, vicariously he loves you...
	Mr. Hankey begins tossing presents to everyone.
Townsfolk	...Even if you're a Jew
Mr. Pirrip	Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny, he can be brown or greenish-brown But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve, he might come to your town
Townsfolk	Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo He loves me. I love you Heeeeeeee Looooooves Yoooooouu!
	Mr. Hankey, during the second chorus.
Mr. Hankey	Well, I've got a loong night ahead of me. Bye-bye and Merry Christmas.
	He floats up to meet Santa as he passes by.
Cartman	Good-bye Mr. Hankey! Bring me lots of presents! I always believed in you!
Santa Claus	Howdy-ho ho ho!
Stan	You know, I learned something today. I learned that Jewish people are okay. And that...Hanukkah can be cool, too.
Kyle	Yeah...[concerned] You know, it seems like something's still not right.
	The camera pans over to Kenny.
Cartman	Yeah, something feels...unfinished.
	Drum roll.
Stan	Wh-what could it be?
	The drum roll heads for a climax.
	THE END.
Kenny	(Yee he hee!)
	End credits roll.
	South Park Public Access. A light is on.
	Jesus is on the Jesus and Pals* set alone.*
Jesus	Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...
	Jesus blows out the candle on his cake and ends up in the dark. He blinks. Credits resume rolling.
Fin de Monsieur Hankey, le petit caca Noël

Monsieur Hankey, le petit caca Noël/Script

Cast

Script

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