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Tweek et Craig "Tweek et Craig/Script" "Les méchants ninjas/Script" "Contenu de marque/Script" Contenu de marque

Cast

Script

Les méchants ninjas
South Park, day. Two police officers are patrolling the town in their vehicle
Sgt. Yates
Attention all units in the vicinity of South Park Elementary! [the officers pay attention] We have a code red! [units begin showing up] Principal calling for help during school assembly! All officers needed at once!
Officer Barbrady
[in his patrol car eating a sub sandwich and drinking soda] The school? [puts down his food and starts the motor] Oh Jeez Louise! [turns his siren on and drives off. More units arrive at the school, even heavily-armed SWAT officers. They all arm themselves. Barbrady runs into one of the other cars]
Sgt. Yates
[to the assembled officers] We need to get to the gym! Half go this way, half go around the side! Barbrady, you go around back! [the officers disperse. Barbrady goes into the school and finds empty hallways. He stops for a moment and one can hear him pant. He barges into the Fourth Grade classroom and finds it deserted. He goes through the school lobby and finds no one.]
Officer 1
On 3 1... 2... [Instead of getting to 3, the officers enter the gym with their weapons drawn. More cops enter from the other end.]
PC Principal
There she is, officers, right there. I told you to stop chatting with your friend, didn't I, Leslie? You [Leslie looks at him, bewildered] see, officers, apparently Leslie thinks that talking to her friends is more important than learning about diversity in third-world countries. [pulls out a laser pen light and lights Leslie up with it.] That one. That's her right there. You remove her from my school.
Barbrady
[barges into the gym] Whoa! Nobody move! What's happening?
PC Principal
Get her out of here! [the light from his pointer falls upon Barbrady]
Barbrady
Oh, they've got me! [reflexively fires a shot, which hits a boy on the right shoulder]
Boy
AAAAAH!
PC Principal
Waaaah!
South Park City Hall, later. The Mayor, her aides, and two other people
Mayor McDaniels
This town is outraged, Officer Barbrady! People are tired of the police not being held accountable for their actions!
Barbrady
Mayor, I didn't know if there was a gunman, or a bomb-
Mayor McDaniels
You shot an unarmed six year old Latino child!
Barbrady
I'm sorry.
Mayor McDaniels
You're fired.
Barbrady
No, Mayor, please. This is all I know. I used to be the only policeman in this town, remember? Bob, ah I used to chase away the sixth graders for you.
Mayor McDaniels
You're from another time, Barbrady. And the last thing that needs to go. Your gun and your badge. [Barbrady takes them and lays them on the table] And your sunglasses.
Barbrady
[emotional] No, please, not my sunglasses.
Johnson
You're done, Barbrady! The town doesn't want you here! [reluctantly, Brabrady takes off his sunglasses and lays them on the table.]
Barbrady
Where should I go?
Johnson
You should have thought of that before you shot a Mexican!
Mayor McDaniels
Latino-American.
Johnson
Latino-American. [blinks hard] Shit.
Mayor McDaniels
You should go away. You don't belong anywhere in a town as progressive as this one.
SoDoSoPa, at Kenny's house. The mall and construction sites are still there, but the homeless have moved in. Kenny opens the door to take the trash out.
Homeless man 1
[sleeping upstairs at the abandoned Steed] Aaay, quiet down over there, I'm tryin' to sleep.
Stuart
[steps outside] Goddammit! You people all get out of here!
Homeless man 2
[sleeping upstairs at "Bi the garage"] What makes you in charge? [Karen appears at the living room window]
Stuart
'Cause this is my fuckin' house!
Homeless man 3
[kicks a trashcan and walks over to him] Hey beat it, man, or I'll make you my bitch! [Karen screams. Stuart gets Kenny back inside and Karen leaves the window.]
The McCormick living room. Stuart places a call as his family stands to one side watching him.
Stuart
Yeah, we've got a bunch of drunk-addict vagrants trespassing on our yard and we need assistance.
Sgt. Yates
[in his office] Oh, is that so? Well, we'd like to come help you, but we don't wanna get fired.
Stuart
What are you talkin' about? There's homeless people here and they're scarin' my kids! You need to come do somethin' about this!
Sgt. Yates
I see. And are any of these homeless people of a minority persuasion?
Stuart
Why does that matter?
Sgt. Yates
Oh, it matters. See, it used be we could beat up minorities and nobody cared. It's the reason a lot of us joined the force. [lowers the phone a bit] Hey Mitch, you wanna go down and arrest some homeless people but not be able to beat up any minorities?
Mitch
No thank you.
Sgt. Yates
Yeah, no, I think we're good. In fact, we're thinking of maybe turning the whole department into a hula school. Whattaya think?
Stuart
God Dammit! [slams the phone down onto the base unit]
Carol
What are they doing?
Stuart
They're not coming!
Carol
But they have to! Karen brought in one of their syringes, for Christ's sake!
Stuart
Well that's just too bad! The cops won't come, so there's nobody to scare the homeless away!
turns around and walks away. Kenny lowers his head and looks down and to the right
Officer Barbrady's apartment. He walks in and sets his sack lunch over the TV, then takes off his jacket and puts it on the coat rack
Barbrady
Hi, sweetheart. I've uh... I've been let go from the force. I'm so sorry.[an old dog raises its head and lets out a small groan. He walks over to it] Don't worry, old girl. [kneels down next to the dog and starts stroking it] It might be a little tough to afford your medication, but I'll find a way. You know me. I like to help. I like to be needed.
Neighborhood park, day. Stan and Kyle are shooting hoops. Kyle takes a shot and misses. Cartman runs up to them.
Cartman
You guys! Oh my God you guys! You guys, they're gay! [Butters catches up] They're totally gay!
Stan
Who?
Cartman
Kenny and Tolkien.
Kyle
What?
Cartman
Kenny and Tolkien, dude. They're so gay. Butters told me.
Kyle
You're lying.
Cartman
No dude. In those old abandoned buildings around Kenny's house, Kenny and Tolkien turned it into a big ninja clubhouse. And they dress and play ninjas in it trying to scare people away.
Kyle
How is that gay?
Cartman
It's the gayest thing ever dude? Ninjas are fuckin' dumb! Dude, come one! We've gotta go see this!
Butters
Over this way! [they all go have a look]
SoDoSoPa, later. Two ninjas spring into view and go to two posts around the edge of the roof.
Tolkien
We will defend our ninja honor! [spotting something over a crossbow] Intruders! Protect the base! [the four boys come into view] Hey guys, did you come to see our ninja fortress?
Cartman
[in hushed tones] Oh my God they're so gay you guys.
Stan
You and Kenny built all this?
Tolkien
Yeah, with Clyde and David too. [Clyde swings into view while David climbs up a rope.]
Clyde
You guys should come and check it out.
Cartman
Ah, no, we're good, thanks. [in hushed tones] Oh my God this is a sausage party!
Clyde
It's pretty cool, dude. People are scared of us.
Cartman
[sarcastically] Yeah, I'm sure they are. [a big truck stops in its tracks.]
Driver
Hey, excuse me, man, do you know where-? [Arabic music plays and the ninjas began showing off their moves.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH! Look! AAAAH!
Passenger
Go, go, go! [the truck takes off. The four boys look on in wonder, Cartman walks into the street. The truck reaches the end of the block and hangs a left, and disappears]
Cartman
That's pretty cool.
Skeeter's Wine Bar, evening. Skeeter serves up some wine
Gerald
Well the way I heard it was that the girl in the school wasn't even doing anything. Just talking too loud. And someone ends up getting shot.
Skeeter
Hey! What you want?
Barkley
It's okay, I'm off duty. Just came in for a nice pinot.
Patron
Yeah? Well go somewhere else, copper! CtPaTown is for people who care about each other!
Skeeter
We don't take kindly to folks who impose their authority on the underprivileged!
Barkley
Now look, not all cops are racist trigger-happy assholes.
Randy
Really? I'll bet you don't even know what "farm to table" means. [Barkley stands there a moment and then walks out, letting the door slam shut. Bar patrons cheer and holler at their success]
Randy
[steps forward] Wow. We've only had a Whole Foods for a month and already we don't need cops. So cool. [smiles]
SoDoSoPa, day. Tolkien is giving a lesson.
Tolkien
It is a great honor to see that you all want to be ninjas. Joining our club is very serious. You must promise to uphold the warrior's code. [Butters and Cartman, Stan and Kyle are now dressed as ninjas]
Cartman
Totally dude, ninjas are sweet.
Tolkien
Together we must strive to make our fortress super bad-ass and keep all intruders out! To that end, let us proceed to our training.
Cartman
[catches up to a ninja] Dude, can I talk to you for a minute? Listen, I don't think we should let Kyle be a ninja, okay? He said ninjas were gay. He's probably gonna try and turn it around on me, but that's 'cause Kyle knows I heard him.
Kyle
You're talking to Kyle right now.
Cartman
Yeah, cool... it's me, Butters.
Kyle
You're the one who said ninjas were gay. Why do you wanna make this a problem?
Cartman
I'm just, I'm just Butters, man. I have problems with lots of things.
Butters
Hey Eric, you wanna try sparring with me?
Cartman
Yes I do, Butters. [kicks him in the nuts and walks away]
Butters
OOF. Ow. Ahem.
Clyde
Intruders! [two homeless men approach the fortress with filled grocery bags]
Homeless man 4
Yeah, it's right up here. We can shoot up in these abandoned buildings. [the ninjas, eight in all, appear before them and make a show of force. The men begin to confuse them for ISIS, drop their bags, and run away]
A news break
Anchor
The town of South Park is holding a large protest tonight outside of their police department. The townspeople say the protest is meant to begin a dialog about the relationship between law enforcement and the citizens they are supposed to protect.
A montage begins to "Fuck the Police" playing in the background. The protest is shown, with everyone giving the middle finger to the cops. Even Fr. Maxi gives them the finger. Yates and his men look down from their second-story windows. Next, Whole Foods is shown. A shopper spots Officer Stevens and throws his cart right at him. Stevens turns around to see what hit him. The shopper feigns shock, then shrugs his shoulders and turns and walks away. Other shoppers laugh at his prank. Next is (vernacular), where a couple sits al fresco. They watch as Stevens sees his police car, now vandalized with "I'M A DOUCHE". Next is Officer Barbrady at home with his aged dog. Next, Sgt. Yates reads the South Park times. Its lead headline: NO TO PIGS! YES TO FREE-RANGE PORK. Next, two officers drive down a street when they spot someone. It's Randy in his bathrobe, standing outside, He shows off his cock and balls as the officers roll by slowly. ShiTpaTown is shown. Barbrady drops into a fast-food restaurant to look for work. The staff there quickly kicks him out. Two homeless men approach SoDoSoPa only to flee when they see the ninja kids swarming the place. Barbrady returns to find an eviction notice taped to his door. Randy reaches Whole Foods for some shopping, but finds a homeless man in his way sleeping on the sidewalk. Then he looks at Whole Foods and sees the parking area filled with homeless people
Channel 4 News segment.
Anchor
Are your children being lured into terrorist organizations? A shocking report shows that some kids in the town of South Park are swearing loyalty to a murderous regime.
Cartman
Yeah, we're pretty bad-ass, and um, this is, like, our fortress, and you can see it's really cool.
Reporter
And what about this way of life has attracted you?
Butters
We're just cool 'cause we're tough, and we fight and stuff, and we can ah-.
Cartman
Yeah yeah yeah, and it's like, we can do whatever we want, and people are scared of us, it's totally rad!
Stan
Then why'd you say it was gay before?
Cartman
Oh my God! I never said it was gay!
Tolkien
Wait, he said this was gay?
Cartman
That is a total lie!! Why would I say anything homophobic about the way Tweek and Craig make love?! [points to Stan] He's a lying, backstabbing Jew!
Stan
I'm Stan.
Anchor
No doubt the growing number of kids swearing loyalty to ISIS could be problematic for the progressive town.
Whole Foods, day. Barbrady takes his place among the homeless, up against an exterior wall.
Barbrady
[to his dog] Here you go, old girl. We'll just have to make do. [Randy exits the store with some groceries, but fails to notice Barbrady nearby]
Randy
Ew. [keeps walking]
Homeless man 5
Spare a dollar?
Randy
No I don't I'm sorry thank you Goddammit ew. [the Mayor and her aides survey the situation by Skeeter's Bar. Randy sees her and approaches] Mayor, I didn't bust my ass to gentrify this part of town to have it overrun with homeless people!
Mayor McDaniels
Why are they all suddenly coming here?
Gerald
[arrives with Sheila] Mayor, what are you going to do about this? My wife and I can barely eat or shop.
Mayor McDaniels
When a town like ours has a homeless problem it must look at the root of what's causing it.
Stephen
[arrives with Linda] It's ISIS!
Randy
What?
Stephen
They're these troubled kids who've turned their backs on America! They've taken over SoDoSoPa, forced all the homeless out!
Gerald
Why would kids in our town wanna be a part of that?
Stephen
They're just bad kids! Rotten on the inside! Probably with shitty parents!
Jimmy's house. His parents are at the breakfast nook with him.
Ryan
Son, I've always tried to be a fair dad. Eh I I don't want to meh make you angry, but... why?
Jimmy
Well Dad, I just re-really like being a part of something. I feel like it's character-building and it's lots of fun.
Ryan
Fun? But what do you... believe in?
Jimmy
What do we believe in? We believe in something greater than ourselves, and that by following our strict warrior code we believe that our faiths and our traditions are a way to a greater path - the p-p-p-path of the warrior. And as long as we stay united in honor we can defeat all our enemies. [this is beginning to freak Ryan out, so he screams and leaves the table as fast as he can.] Wow, the fellas were right. People are really freaked out by ninjas.
Park County Police Station, day. Randy leads the city council to police headquarters on the second floor
Randy
Okay, we've just gotta be really apologetic and tell them we didn't mean it, okay?
Gerald
Jeez, this is so embarrassing.
Mayor McDaniels
What if they won't help us with the homeless?
Stephen
I'm pretty sure the police will help out if it's because ISIS is taking over the town. [opens the double doors and leads the council in]
Park County Holice Headquarters. The officers inside are all dancing slowly, gracefully, The city council is stunned
Stephen
Officers, there's kids in town who have joined ISIS. We don't know who they are, but they-.
Sgt. Yates
What? What's that, you say?
Mayor McDaniels
The town is in danger, alright? We don't know what these kids are capable of.
Sgt. Yates
Jeez, I'm sorry. We've got to work on our koholo kaloa, and get the lomi lomi chicken ready for the big ho'olao le'ao, which leaves us... oh, not enough time to deal with ISIS.
Randy
Alright, look. There's homeless people all over our gentrified food and arts district. If you don't stop thewe twisted kids, then-
Sgt. Yates
Hey, who was it that said "fuck the police"? Was that Ice Cube? Tupac? Oh, right, that was you guys! Sorry, but I guess you'll have to find somebody else to do all the difficult dirty shit you don't want to do yourselves. I've gotta be ready for the luau. I might even kiss a dude.
Back at SoDoSoPa, the ninjas are going through exercises. Cartman and Butters talk
Cartman
So then, after you told me, we went over to Kyle and Stan when they were playing basketball, remember?
Butters
Yeah?
Cartman
And we said Kenny and Tolkien were playing ninjas, and Kyle said that ninjas were gay, and I said ninjas are gay, but it was a question. You remember?
Butters
Uh I thought you said it first.
Cartman
No nonono, see? Now Kyle got everyone remembering it wrong because he doesn't wanna get kicked out of the group. That's what Jews do when they get caught in a lie. You cannot trust a Jewish ninja, Butters.
Tolkien
You guys! You guys!
Stan
What?
Tolkien
Actual Ninjas. Wanna talk to us.
Clyde
What?
Tolkien
Kenny and I both just got the same email from people overseas.
Cartman
Whoa, dude.
Stan
How's they found out who we were?
Cartman
They're fuckin' ninjas, dude!
At Bi the garage, a computer is set up for video conferencing. An ISIS leader appears on screen.
ISIS leader
So, you are the brave children who have committed to our cause. We are aware of what you are doing and we are very impressed.
Stan
Cool. Thanks, dude.
ISIS leader
What you are doing is very important and we would like to help you however we can. We are going to be wiring you some money.
Butters
Whoa, cool! Why, this is the greatest thing ever you guys!
Cartman
Ah, excuse me. Can I just set the record straight on something?
ISIS leader
Of course.
Cartman
Should Jews be trusted? [no response. A few seconds later...] Uh I mean, if one of us is a Jew, do you see that as being at all problematic?
ISIS leader
Extremely.
Cartman
YES! [dances away] YEEES! ["Can't Touch This" begins to play and Cartman does arm waves.] Oh—oh, oh—oh! Oh—oh, oh—oh! What did I tell you guys?
Whole Foods, night. A closeup of Barbrady snoozing
Randy
[his shadow falls upon ex-Officer Barbrady] Hey Barbrady. [tries to wake him up] Officer Barbrady.
Barbrady
Uh, who?
Randy
Hey buddy. [flanking him are the Mayor and her aides, and the Stotches]
Barbrady
What do you want?
Johnson
How would you like to be a policeman again?
Barbrady
I'm no good as a policeman. I'm a bumbling old fool.
Stephen
That is not true! Who said that? Look, Barbrady, the fact is, the town needs you.
Barbrady
They need me? To do what?
Randy
We need you to shoot some kids. [smiles]
Barbrady
No! Shoot kids? I don't wanna shoot kids!
Randy
Shh! Shhh! Shhhh! These are really bad kids. Terrorists. This is totally different from before.
Barbrady
No. No. Are any of them minorities?
Aide
A couple of them, we think. Yeah.
Barbrady
Noo no no no no no no no no!
Mayor McDaniels
Sh, look, look look, Barbrady, Barbrady! We were wrong about you. I... was wrong about you. You... protected this town back before anybody else ever did. You used to do it all on your own. We need you to do that again. [takes out his sunglasses from her inside coat pocket and hands them to him. He puts them on and his sadness disappears]
Randy
You're the only cop this town needs, Barbrady. Go shoot those kids.
SoDoSoPa, night. The ninjas are still going through exercises, but inside the abandoned Savor The Goodness store. Something is standing next to the punching bags
Cartman
You guys, I know this is hard for all of us. But to truly be ninjas, we must face hard facts. Last night I spoke in private with our ninja leader overseas. We talked a long time about Jews and the Hebrew faith. He told me a lot I didn't know. And I was able to tell him some things he did not know. But after talking with that guy, it is abundantly clear to me that Jews cannot be ninjas. I went to Kyle's house to talk to him about it, and I found this. [pulls out a drawing of two ninjas, one of them having anal sex with the other one] It was then that Kyle confessed to me about how he had brainwashed Butters and Stan into thinking I had used a homophobic slur to refer to our organization. And he almost got away with it. That's when Kyle tried to kill me. Luckily I was the faster ninja. [reveals the, uh, guilty ninja, who's strapped into a chair and his ninja head covering is duck-taped over his face] Kyle knew I would never call ninjas gay. When I take the gag off, he's going to try and tell you that I'm lying now. Do not believe him. Kyle is a liar.
Kyle
I'm right here. [standing between Tolkien and Stan]
Cartman
[looks at the group, then at the bound ninja] Who, who is this?
Stan
That's Clyde.
Cartman
...and I am Tolkien. Why do I do these things, you ask? Black rage.
Some moments later, Barbrady, now in uniform, makes it to SoDoSoPa and begins looking around. He drops down behind the vandalized station wagon.
Barbrady
Oh Jesus. ISIS, oh God.
The Marsh house, dinner time. The Marshes are at dinner, except for Stan
Marvin
This chicken tastes like shit. What'd you do to it?
Randy
Okay, okay Dad, it's not organic chicken. I'm not comfortable shopping at Whole Foods with all the homeless people there. But don't worry. That's all about to change. Soon we'll all have CtPaTown to enjoy again. Where's Stan?
Sharon
He's playing ninjas over at Kenny's house.
Randy
Ninjas? That's gay. [remembers the ISIS warriors who took over SoDoSoPa] He's playing ninjas at Kenny's house?
Sharon
Yeah.
Randy
You mean, SoDoSoPa?
Sharon
Uh huh.
Randy
[begins to think this over] Wait a minute... Ninjas... [Oriental and Arabic music alternate in his head] ...scary... gay... Scary. Gay. Scary gay scary gay.
Sharon
Randy, what are you doing?
Randy
Scary gay scary gay scary GAY. [runs out of the dining room] Staaaan!! [Shelly looks back at him]
SoDoSoPa, night. The other ninjas replace Clyde with Cartman on the chair and tie him up.
Cartman
Oh, I get the misunderstanding now. No, see, I told Clyde that Kyle said ninjas were gay, but Clyde thought I was Kyle, so then he was saying that I said ninjas were gay, meaning I as in Kyle.
Kyle
Nobody ever gave a shit, you fat pig!
Tolkien
All those in favor of Cartman being kicked out of our ninja club?
Ninjas
Hai!
Cartman
No! You CAN'T kick me out! I have to be a ninja! They hate Jews. I was made for this, you guys! Please!
Stan
What shall we do with him? [Barbrady climbs over a wall and quickly reaches the ninjas]
Barbrady
[draws his gun] Freeze! [the ninjas turn around]
Kyle
Oh shit!
Barbrady
[trembling in fear] Please, I don't wanna shoot you. [the ninjas back away]
Stan
Cool. Don't.
Barbrady
Oh ho ho. [groans miserably and waves gun]
Ninjas
Aaahaah. [Cartman shuts his eyes and faces left]
Barbrady
I understand you feeling angry at this town. I'm getting pretty angry too. But we can't give up on it. Please boys, don't make it end violently.
Randy
[finds the ninjas and Barbrady] They're just stupid ninjas! [tackles Barbrady, who instinctively fires off a shot. David is struck.]
David
Aaa!
Barbrady
Aaahaahaaawe!
City Hall, day. The Mayor, Randy, and the city council face Barbrady
Mayor McDaniels
What were you thinking?! Boys innocently playing ninja and you pull your gun on them?
Aide
David Rodriguez was lucky to live!
Barbrady
Everybody told me they were terrorists.
Mayor McDaniels
We thought they were. But if it turns out they aren't, as a policeman, you have to figure that out!
Barbrady
But, you said you needed me to kill some kids.
Randy
Oh, he's gonna lay this on us now. I said kill some kids, but I said it as a question, remember? I said "Kill some kids?"
Mayor McDaniels
I'm sorry, but we just can't cover your ass on this one. There's going to be an investigation and ... you just don't have what it takes to be a policeman in today's times.
Johnson
Do you even know what "farm to table" means? [Barbrady takes off his glasses and lays them on the table.]
Whole Foods, day. The South Park Police Department is back on duty and taking the homeless away from ShiTpaTown
Barkley
Let's go people, you can't stay here. You are being relocated.
Homeless man 6
Hey, you can't kick us out of here, man.
Sgt. Yates
Oh no? I'm a cop.
Randy
Thank you, officers.
Sgt. Yates
We've got a deal, right?
Mayor McDaniels
Yes. [she and Randy turn away and XXX*what do they do*XXX]
Sgt. Yates
Alright you, come on! [punches the homeless man in the face. Other officers take time to abuse the homeless people a little. One officer kicks a homeless man in the balls twice while another officer holds him, then the two officers take him away. A street sweeper rolls by collecting all the homeless who are still sleeping on the street, and even a few who are walking around]
Homeless man 6
Aaaah!
Homeless man 7
[being led away by an officer] Please! You can't take me back to SoDoSoPa! ISIS is there!
Officer 2
No, those were just ninjas. [they walk past the boys - Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny]
Homeless man 7
Ninjas? Oh, that's so gay.
Cartman
I told you guys. What did I tell you? I said ninjas are fuckin' gay but you didn't wanna listen, nooo!
An interrogation room. Barbrady sits at a table with his dog to his left. A door opens and Barbrady looks up. An agent walks in with a folder, sits down, and sets the folder on the table
Agent
Officer Barbrady.
Barbrady
Yes?
Agent
We've been watching you. And what we see is a man who truly wants to protect his town.
Barbrady
You do?
Agent
You've been in this town longer than almost anyone. Have you noticed... changes... lately?
Barbrady
Yeah, a lot of changes.
Agent
They aren't a coincidence, officer. They are all part of a plan to take down your beloved town and everyone in it.
Barbrady
What?
Agent
What do you know about a little girl named... [takes out a picture and shows it to Barbrady] Leslie? [with PC Principal pushing her on the swing]
Fin de Les méchants ninjas


  1907: "Les méchants ninjas" edit
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