La Garçonnière/Script

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La Garçonnière

	Episode starts in the playground. Bill plays catch with a blue-hatted boy in a red shirt, a brown-haired girl, Annie, and Tolkien are on swings, and Pip and Red are on the hobby elephants. Stan is hiding behind a tree, using his gloved hand as a gun.
Stan	Sgt. Stanley Marsh is trapped behind enemy lines. His only chance of survival is to sneak past the Bosnian guard who stands watch.
	Cartman is patrolling the invisible boundary.
Stan	Sgt. Marsh knows it's now or never. He must make a run for it.
	Stan waits for Cartman, who is wielding a stick, shaped vaguely like a pistol, to pass, then rushes past him.
Stan	American base is only a few feet away.
	Cartman turns and notices Stan.
Cartman	What is this? Halt!
	They "fire" away at each other. From behind a nearby bush Kyle and Kenny pop up and "fire" at Cartman.
Cartman	It will take more than your weak American weapons to destroy me!
Stan	Cartman, we shot your Bosnian fat ass!
Kyle	Yeah! You're dead!
Cartman	I have Class 4 armor on, that, uh, ih-ih--
Stan	No, you don't!
Cartman	--special armor, that's impenetrable to American bullets.
Kyle	Dude! Every time we play Americans vs. Bosnians, you cheat!
Stan	Yeah, Cartman, you suck! If you want to play Americans vs. Bosnians any more, you can just play with yourself!
	Stan and Kyle leave.
Cartman	That's fine! I'd like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!
	Kenny laughs and Cartman looks at him.
Cartman	What?
	Stan and Kyle have walked off away from Cartman and Kenny.
Kyle	Well? Now what are we going to do?
Stan	Huh-I dunno.
	Wendy walks up, with Bebe closely following behind her.
Wendy	Hi, Stan.
Stan	Hi, Wendy.
Wendy	Kyle, doesn't Bebe look pretty today?
	Bebe comes out from behind Wendy, looking hopeful.
Kyle	I dunno.
Wendy	She does. She looks very pretty.
Kyle	Okay.
Wendy	Stan, can I talk to you for a second?
	Wendy takes his hand and pulls him aside. Bebe and Kyle are left to look at each other. Bebe smiles at Kyle, and he looks around and put his hands behind him. The two remain silent. She's still smiling. Wendy and Stan walk out of earshot from them.
Wendy	Stan, wouldn't it be fun if we fixed Kyle up with Bebe?
Stan	No.
Wendy	If Bebe and Kyle were a couple, then we can invite them over to your clubhouse for dinner and play parlor games and have meaningful conversations and sip cognac by the fireplace.
Stan	We could?
Wendy	Yeah, Stan.
Stan	But dude, I don't have a clubhouse.
Wendy	You don't?? I thought all guys had clubhouses.
Stan	Just how many guys' clubhouses have you been in?
	Back near the tree, Cartman is sitting on Kenny who is struggling to escape.
Cartman	Herr Kommandant Cartman has ways of making you talk!
	Kenny is too weak to escape and Cartman farts on him.
Kenny	(Heellp!!)
Wendy	Stan, you have to build a clubhouse! Then all four of us can sit in it and play Truth or Dare!
Stan	[Intrigued.] Truth or Dare? Wow.
	Stan walks back over to Kyle.
Stan	Come on, Kyle. We've got work to do.
Kyle	We do?
Stan	We're gonna build a clubhouse. I have to ask my dad for help.
	They walk off. Bebe's eyes follow them out, and Wendy rejoins her.
Bebe	[To Wendy.] Did it work?
Wendy	I think it did, Bebe. If all goes as planned, Kyle will be your new boyfriend.
Bebe	I hope so Wendy. He's got such a hot ass.
	The Marsh house. Randy turns on the TV and ends up on Terrance and Phillip, who are in a church.
Terrance	Hey, Phillip, pull my finger.
Phillip	All right, Terrance.
	Phillip pulls Terrance's finger.
Terrance	Hurgh. Oh, wait wait wait. Pull harder.
Phillip	Well, all right.
	Phillip tugs harder.
Terrance	Hurgh, urgh.
	Randy laughs.
Terrance	Damnit! Pull really hard, Phillip!
Phillip	Okay.
Terrance	Hurgh-rrh. Waiwait, wait wait. Hrhrhrhrh. Aha! Hr-rhrh. Oh my! Yeee-aaa!
	Terrance takes a deep breath to try to push out a fart.
Terrance	Hurh. Uhwaiwait. Ye-aauraah-
	A weak, high pitched fart finally escapes, and the two laugh.
Terrance	Caught you there!
Randy	Uh oh!
	Randy laughs, as Stan and Kyle approach.
Phillip	God. Oh, you got me, Terrance!
Terrance	Yes, I sure did!
	Randy laughs some more.
Kyle	Whoa, dude. Your dad is watching Terrance and Phillip.
Randy	No, I was just uh flipping through the channels.
	He starts changing the channels.
Stan	Hey, Dad, we need to build a clubhouse.
Randy	Okay.
Stan	How do we do it?
Randy	Uh, you just get a hammer and some wood. What? Uh some girls wanna play Truth or Dare or something?
Stan	Yeah, dude! How'd you know?
	Stan and Kyle are stunned.
Randy	How do you think I met your mother?
Sharon	[Walks in.] Randy, my wedding ring! I lost it down the garbage disposal!
Randy	Oh, brother.
	Terrance and Phillip are heard laughing, and Sharon looks at the TV. Phillip, right leg high, farts on Terrance, and they both continue laughing.
Sharon	Stanley, I thought I told you not to watch this horrible cartoon!
Randy	Yeah, Stanley, you should know better.
Stan	Dude!
	Sharon takes the remote from Randy and presses a few buttons.
Sharon	Here, Stanley, You watch nice cartoons like Fat Abbot.
Sharon	Randy, will you please come get my wedding ring out of the sink?
Randy	[Resisting.] Okay, okay.
	Randy follows her off into the kitchen as the boys watch Fat Abbot.
Fat Abbot	Hey hey hey. What's goin' on, Rudy?
Rudy	Man, Fat Abbot, you need to lose weight.
Fat Abbot	I'll lose weight when I feel like it, bitch! Shut yo bitchass mouth, ho!
Rudy	Bitch, I'll kick yo ass!
Kyle	Whoa, dude!
Stan	Sweet!
Fat Abbot	You think you're slick, you punkass blasphemous dope-fiend bitch! I had my jimmy whacked seven times last week! I'll bust a cap in yo n***a ass, shithead!
Kyle	Wow, cartoons are getting really dirty!
	Over in the kitchen, Randy is under the sink.
Sharon	Did you find it?
Randy	Give me a second, would you?
Sharon	Don't snap at me!
Randy	I didn't snap at you.
Sharon	You snapped at me!
Randy	Whatever.
Sharon	What ever?! In fifteen years you've never said, "whatever," to me!
Randy	I-I don't wanna fight, I'm sorry.
Sharon	I'm sorry, too.
Randy	Uh I think I found it.
	He comes out from under the sink with an alarm clock.
Sharon	That's not it, you idiot!
Randy	Hey, back off, bitch!
Sharon	[Gasps.] You just said the C-word!
Randy	Did I?
	Stan and Kyle are outside working on their clubhouse. The steps, supports, and floor are in place, and they start work on the railing.
Stan	This is a sweet spot for a clubhouse.
Kyle	Yeah. Hey Stan, what did your dad mean when he said we're gonna play Truth or Dare?
Stan	Oh uh, just that, mmmaybe when we're finished, Wendy and- uh... Bebe can come over and play.
Kyle	Dude, what kind of sick joke is that? Girls suck ass.
Stan	Well-uhuh, of course they do, but uh, wouldn't it be sweet to- to play Truth or Dare with them?
Kyle	What? Why?
Stan	Because, dude. We could make them do really gross stuff, like eat bugs.
Kyle	Hey yeah! That'd be sweet! We could totally ruin their lives!
	Cartman and Kenny stop by.
Cartman	What are you guys doing?
Stan	We're building a clubhouse.
Cartman	[Laughs heartily.] A clubhouse? Heheh, that's the lamest thing I've ever heard!
Kyle	It's not lame, it's sweet! After we build this clubhouse, we're gonna get girls to play Truth or Dare!
Cartman	[Thinks it over.] Wwwhy??
Kyle	Because, dumbass, we can dare them to do gross stuff and make them cry! What? Were you born yesterday?
Stan	Yeah, now beat it you guys. This clubhouse is private!
Cartman	That's fine. We'll build our own clubhouse!
Kyle	Fine!
Cartman	Fine! And then we'll get girls to play Truth or Dare, too!
Stan	Fine!
Cartman	Fine!
Kyle	Fine!
Kenny	(Fine!)
Kyle	Fine!
Cartman	Fine! That's fine.
	Cartman turns and walks away with Kenny.
Stan	Fine!
Cartman	Fine!
	Cartman's house. Cartman and Kenny are looking over the clubhouse kit Cartman has apparently ordered: The Ewok Village 2000 Deluxe Club House Kit w/Elevator. It has a two-story design. Cartman is wearing a yellow hard hat, and Kenny is trying to get a better look at the blueprints.
Cartman	No, Kenny, you can't look, I'm the foreman!
Kenny	(Well, why the fuck do I have to do everything while you stand around in the snow lookin--)
	Kenny inches the blueprints closer to himself.
Cartman	Because, Kenny, your family's poor. You have to be the worker.
Kenny	[Still trying.] (Uh--)
Cartman	No, Kenny.
Liane	[Stopping by.] How's the treehouse coming along, hon?
Cartman	Mom, it's not a treehouse, it's a clubhouse!
Liane	Sorry, hon.
Cartman	Mom? Can we pull up the carpeting in the living room?
Liane	Well, I don't know, Eric. If you did that, then the floors would be bare.
Cartman	[Sliding into a whine.] But Mmmom, the blueprint says we need carpeting in the clubhouse!
Liane	Well, all right.
Cartman	Kenny, my mom says you can go get carpeting in the living room now.
Kenny	(You suck ass and you suck dick!)
	Kenny walks off to get the carpeting.
Cartman	And stop your bitchin'!
	Stan's House, Stan enters the kitchen and reaches for a jar as his mom washes dishes. She's upset.
Sharon	What are you doing, sweetheart?
Stan	Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and then we're--
Sharon	You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress and then it's the way I cook! I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, Stanley, get your God-damned cookie!
	She walks off in a huff.
Stan	'Kay.
	South Park Elementary. Class is now in session. Mr. Twig is still there.
Mr. Garrison	And so, children, today we're gonna focus on American history, right Mr. Twig?
Mr. Twig	Uh- that's right, Mr. Garrison. American history is very important--
Kyle	When is Mr. Hat coming back?
Mr. Garrison	What did you say?!
Kyle	When is Mr. Hat coming back?
Mr. Garrison	I told you to never mention that name in my classroom again! Mr. Hat is a two-timin' w****, and now we all learn from Mr. Twig!
Stan	But Mr. Twig sucks.
Class	Yeah.
Mr. Garrison	That is enough! Mr. Hat is gone, and he isn't coming back, and I don't wanna hear it! Anyway, children, lets turn our history textbooks to page 105, which should be right after page 104...
Cartman	So, how's your lame-ass clubhouse, Stan?
Stan	Better than yours, fat boy.
Cartman	We'll see about that. [To Kenny.] Don't forget you need to cut school early and wait for the hot tub, Kenny.
Kenny	[Gruffly.] (Yes, sir..!)
Wendy	Is the clubhouse ready?
Stan	Almost.
Mr. Garrison	Stan? Are you paying attention?
Stan	Yes, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison	Well, then, Stanley. What did I just say?
Stan	Um. You said that even though- Charo appeared twelve times on the Love Boat, the episode with Captain and Tennille got higher ratings.
Mr. Garrison	...Well, okay. I suppose you were paying attention.
	Mr. Garrison turns to write on the blackboard.
Mr. Garrison	Anyway, children, the Love Boat did go on for about eight years. They tried to bring it back recently, but it didn't work. Probably 'cause Robert Urich had to weigh...
	While he's explaining the mediocrity of The Love Boat: The Next Wave, the following takes place.
Kyle	Good guess, dude!
Stan	Phew.
	Bebe writes a note and then hands it to Butters.
Bebe	Pssst! Pass this up.
	Butters hands along the note to Kevin.
Butters	Pass this up.
	Kevin hands along the note to Fosse.
Kevin	Pass this up.
	Fosse hands along the note to Stan.
Fosse	P-huh pass this h-up.
	Stan gets the note and reads it.
Mr. Garrison	Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?!
Stan	No, I just--
Mr. Garrison	Don't lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.
Stan	I'm not lying. Someone just handed me the--
Mr. Garrison	Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, then why don't you come up to the front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear!
Stan	But I didn't write the note!
Cartman	Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education.
Stan	Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison	Stanley Marsh, you come up here right now and read your note!
Stan	Oh, man.
	Bebe is worried, as Stan goes up to the front of the class to read the note.
Stan	Dear Kyle. You have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those perked cheeks, let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity.
	The entire class stares at Stan in shock.
Stan	Whoa, dude!
	Mr. Mackey's office. Stan and Mr. Mackey are talking.
Mr. Mackey	Now, young man, uh- school is a time for learning, m'kay? Not for immature skylarkings.
Stan	What's 'skylarkings'?
Mr. Mackey	You know, like tomfooleries.
Stan	Who?
	Someone knocks on Mr. Mackey's door.
Mr. Mackey	Oh, your parents are here.
Stan	Oh, no.
	They enter and stand behind Stan.
Mr. Mackey	Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.
Randy	Stanley, I... Skylarkings?
Mr. Mackey	Yeahm'kay?
Randy	Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.
Sharon	Randy, let me handle this. Now Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.
Stan	It wasn't my note, dude. It was some girl's.
Mr. Mackey	Okay. Stanley, we're all here to get to the root of your behavior disorder.
Sharon	You really should know better, Stanley.
Randy	You need to shape up, mister.
Sharon	[To Randy.] Don't interrupt me! You always interrupt me when I talk! Can't you see that I--?
Randy	[A bit testily.] I don't interrupt you.
Sharon	There, you did it again! [To Mr. Mackey.] He interrupted me again.
Mr. Mackey	Okay, uh-- Perhaps you should let your wife finish talking, Mr. Marsh. Now, Stan, I want to you to be--
Randy	Okay, I'm sorry I interrupt. But she always takes over any conversation!
Mr. Mackey	Uh. U-uh, taking over any conversation's bad.
Sharon	[To Randy.] Like you're one to talk! When's the last time you really listened to what I had to say?!
Mr. Mackey	[Slowly.] Uuuhh. Mmm mkay.
Randy	When was the last time you had anything interesting to say? It's always gossip and stupid crap!
Mr. Mackey	Okay uh uh uh-apparently we have a bit of a communication problem here. Uh, Mr. Marsh, tell me how you're feeling.
Randy	Well- uh, I feel like everything I do is wrong, it doesn't matter what I say.
Mr. Mackey	Mkay. That's valid. Now, uh, Mrs. Marsh--
Stan	Excuse me.
Mr. Mackey	-how do you feel?
Sharon	Like I'm a ghost. Like he sees right through me.
Randy	Oh, please!
Stan	Hello?
Sharon	Oh, please yourself!
Mr. Mackey	Who tries to control the marriage? And by that I mean, who's dominating the aspects of the relationship?
Sharon	He is.
	At this point everyone has completely forgotten about Stan, who gets off the chair.
Randy	No, she is.
	Stan walks to the door and opens it.
Sharon	Oh, I'm sorry! I guess I'm wrong again!
	Stan is gone.
Mr. Mackey	Mmkay.
	Cartman's house. Foreman Cartman is back at the blueprint.
Cartman	Look at it, Kenny. It is the greatest clubhouse ever built.
	A shot of their "clubhouse". It looks shoddy and horrible.
Cartman	Oh, man!
Kenny	(Uh huh)
Cartman	And we built it, with our own hands. Now all we need is chicks, Kenny.
Kenny	(Yeah!)
Cartman	All right. You go find chicks, Kenny.
Kenny	(Well, why do I have to be the one to go and find chicks?)
Cartman	Because I have to stay here and work! I still have to shingle the roof, test the foundation, run all kinds of inspections. I've got way too much to do, and all you have to do is to go find chicks! Now, stop your bitchin'!
	Kenny walks off and Cartman watches him leave. As soon as he's gone, Cartman throws off his hat and runs into the house.
Cartman	Mom, can I watch American Gladiators?
	Stan's Backyard, Kyle is on the clubhouse floor, waiting as Stan climbs up the steps. A tire swing hangs from the foundation.
Kyle	Dude! Where have you been? I've been waiting all afternoon.
Stan	I got in trouble for that note Bebe was trying to pass to you.
Kyle	To me??
Stan	I mean, no. Not to you. Forget it. Come on, dude. We have to finish our clubhouse quick. The girls wanna play Truth or Dare tomorrow!
	They start hammering a board onto the floor, but...
Kyle	We should use nails, dude.
Stan	My mom won't let us.
	Wendy and Bebe arrive in backyard.
Wendy	Hi, guys. How's the clubhouse coming?
Stan	Pretty good. We're almost done.
Wendy	Well, hurry! We wanna play Truth or Dare!
Stan	We're going as fast as we can!
Bebe	Kyle, could you turn around for a second?
	Kyle and Stan look at each other. Kyle turns around, then looks back with Stan at the girls.
Bebe	Thank you.
	The girls walk away, and the boys resume hammering.
Stan	Come on, dude, we have to hammer faster.
Kyle	Hey, Stan. Do you know how to play Truth or Dare?
Stan	No.
Kyle	Well dude, how the hell are we supposed to play it, then?
Stan	I didn't even think about that.
	Later, at Chef's house. Candles line his dining room wall, and he and Stan are sitting at his table.
Chef	And then, they'll ask, "Truth or Dare?'
Stan	And I say, "Dare!"
Chef	No no! You say, "Truth."
Stan	"Truth?" But that's boring! I want to get "Dare" to kiss her.
Chef	You have to say "Truth" the first few times. Or else, you seem too eager.
Stan	Oooh.
Chef	You can't seem too eager. You've got to play it cool, like you don't even care what happens.
Stan	Yeah.
Chef	Then, after a few "Truth"s, you finally answer, "Dare."
Stan	"Dare!"
Chef	But not like that, son. Like this: "Daaare".
	Chef speaks in a low, senusal voice, as he moves his hand through the air in unison, for effect.
Stan	Oooh.
Chef	And then her little friend will dare you to kiss Wendy.
Stan	You really think so?
Chef	Of course she will. They're women. They've had this whole thing planned out months ahead of time.
Stan	Wow!
	Meanwhile, over at Cartman's house. Cartman is watching TV, munching Cheesy Poofs.
Fat Abbot	Heeyy hey hey. What's goin' down, y'all?
Rudy	Man, Fat Abbot. What are you doin' on this side of the 'hood?
Fat Abbot	You know somethin', Rudy? You're like school in summertime.
Rudy	School in summertime?
Fat Abbot	Yeah, bitch, school in summertime!
	Fat Abbot grabs Rudy by the collar and lifts him up high.
Fat Abbot	Open yo' fuckin' ears and shit, ho, or I'll pop your bitch ass.
Donald	I'llba poppa yourba bitcha assa tooba, bitcha.
Cartman	What the hell is goin' on in this cartoon?
	Cartman's doorbell rings, and he gets up to answer.
Cartman	Oh. Hey, Kenny, did you find any chicks to come to the clubhouse?
Kenny	[Proudly, with thumbs up.] (Uh-huh)
	Kenny has found two teenage girls.
Runaway girl 1	Hi. We ran away from home.
Runaway girl 2	Well like, this kid told us we might be able to crash at your clubhouse for a couple of days.
Cartman	[Amazed.] Holy crap!
	He leads the three of them to the backyard.
Cartman	Behold! The Ewok Village 2000!
Runaway girl 1	Oh well, I guess it beats living at home.
Cartman	[Enunciating properly.] Can I offer you ladies a cool beverage or a tasty snack? [Rubs his stomach.]
	Meanwhile, over at Stan's house, Stan's phone starts ringing.
Stan	Hello?
Cartman	How's the clubhouse coming, Stan?
Stan	We're working on it.
Cartman	Well, I just thought I'd tell you that me and Kenny have finished our clubhouse, and we already have chicks over.
Stan	No, you don't!
	Female giggles are heard through the phone, and Stan pulls the receiver from his ear.
Stan	Dude!
Cartman	It's only a matter of time before we're playin' Truth or Dare with them. Good luck with your piece of crap clubhouse, stupid asshole.
Stan	Aw, that hunk of fat-- [Sharon walks in.] Mom, will you please ask Dad to come help me build my clubhouse?
Sharon	Stanley, I think you should know that your father has moved out.
Stan	What?! Why?
Sharon	Because, we're divorced, Stanley.
Stan	Divorced? On no. Does that mean you and Dad don't love me anymore? This is all my fault, isn't it?
Sharon	Yeah, kind of.
Stan	...Dude, you're not supposed to say that!
Sharon	But I would like you to meet your new stepfather, Roy.
Roy	Hello, son.
Stan	What?!
Sharon	I'll leave you two alone to get acquainted.
	Sharon leaves.
Roy	Hello, Stanley. I know this must be a very difficult period for you right now, and the adjustment is going to take some time. But I'd like to be your friend. So when you're ready, I want you to feel free to come to me with anything you might need, whether it's advice, or- just someone to play catch with. You can count on me.
Stan	This is happening way too fast.
Roy	Oh, Jesus! When are you gonna cut me some slack, huh?! I have taken you under my wing and done my best, and all you ever do is whine and moan about it! Now, for the last time, go cut some firewood!
	Roy walks off. Stan stares after him blankly. Meanwhile, back at Cartman's house.
Runaway girl 1	So, I'm on my way out the door, and she goes, "Make sure you're home before midnight!"
Cartman	Ahaw, that's weak.
Runaway girl 1	And I go, "Listen, bitch! I don't need my mother giving me no curfew!"
Cartman	That's killer.
Runaway girl 1	And she goes, "Yeah, well, if you're not home before midnight, don't bother coming home at all!"
Cartman	That's totally weak!
Runaway girl 1	So I go, "Fine! I won't come home!"
Cartman	Sweet.
Runaway girl 1	And then she goes, "Fine! Don't come home!", getting all up in my face and crap and acting all tough and crap.
Cartman	Killer weak, sweet!
Runaway girl 1	I'm sixteen. I should be able to do what I want when I want.
	Cartman listens intently.
Runaway girl 1	I don't need her breathing down my neck every two seconds telling me what I can and cannot do!
Cartman	I had the same thing with my mom the other day. I'm all like, "Ey! I am not a little kid anymore! Ma, I'm eight years old! And if I wanna fingerpaint, then I'm gonna fingerpaint!"
	The girls just look at him. Back at Stan's house, Stan and Kyle are putting the finishing touches on their clubhouse.
Stan	Okay. We're done.
Kyle	[Wiggling the railing.] Dude, I don't think this is very sturdy.
	A piece of it comes off in his hand and falls to the ground, where it breaks.
Stan	It doesn't matter, dude. It only has to last long enough to play Truth or Dare. I'm gonna go get the girls.
	Stan climbs down.
Kyle	Okay.
	Stan is humming as he is going away, but his is stopped by a pair of legs, he looks up.
Stan	G'oh?
Sharon	Stanley, it's time to go!
Stan	Go where?
Sharon	Your bastard father has visitation rights, and this is his time with you.
Stan	But no! I have to get the girls to come-
Sharon	Come on, Stanley!
	She takes him away by the hand.
Stan	Weak!
	A car is heard pulling up. It's Randy, in a red Corvette.
Stan	Dad?
Randy	Hey, Stanley, uh, hop in.
	Stan gets in, and they peel off.
Randy	Listen, Stanley, I- I know all this change must be tough on you, but you know, your-your mother and I thought it'd be best for all of us if we'd split up.
Stan	But I don't understand why we have to--
	Randy pulls up and stops next to a pink Jeep.
Randy	Well, hello, ladies.
Runaway girl 1 Passenger	Hi, handsome. We're gonna be at Larry's Bar tonight.
Randy	[Suavely.] I'm already there.
	She winks at him and the ladies peel off. Randy turns to Stan.
Randy	What were we talking about? Oh yeah. See, your mother and I still care about you and your sister. But we just don't like being around each other any more.
Stan	Well, I don't like being around my sister anymore; does that mean I can leave her, too?
Randy	Well, no, because you're a family. You just can't leave family; you have to stick with family, no matter what.
Stan	But you and Mom are family; how come you can just split up?
	Randy is stumped.
Stan	You know what I think? I think that when you and Mom got married, you became family. And now that you are, you shouldn't be able to leave her anymore than I can leave my sister.
Randy	Hoho, Stan, you're so young. You just don't get it.
	Randy pulls back up at Stan's house.
Randy	Well, anyway, have a nice day.
Stan	What? That's it?
Randy	Yeah. But I loved our time together. I hate to see it end. Go on, get out.
	Stan gets out of the car.
Randy	You know that nothing is more important to me than you, right, Stan?
Stan	I guess, but--
	Before Stan can finish, Randy drives off, Stan just watches, speechless. Moments later, he is inside his clubhouse with Kyle, they are looking out the window in anticipation of Wendy and Bebe coming over.
Stan	Okay, dude, the girls are gonna be here to play Truth or Dare any minute.
Kyle	Stan, if I didn't know you better, I would almost think you're doing this because you wanna play with girls.
Stan	No way, dude! Don't be silly.
Bebe	[Off screen.] Come on, Wendy.
Stan	We have to say "Truth" a couple of times before we say "Dare," right?
Kyle	Right. Why?
Stan	Because if we don't, we'll seem too eager.
Kyle	Too eager to what?
Stan	To say "Dare," dumbass! Jeez.
Wendy	[Entering the clubhouse.] Hi, guys.
	The boys are startled, but turn around.
Stan	Oh, hi Wendy. What's up?
Bebe	Don't you guys still wanna play "Truth or Dare"?
Stan	Yeah! I mean, sure, whatever.
Bebe	Then come on!
	They all sit, Wendy across from Stan, Bebe across from Kyle.
Stan	[To Kyle, softly.] Remember, "Truth" the first couple of times.
Kyle	Okay.
Bebe	Who wants to go first?
Wendy	I will. Kyle?
Kyle	Yeah?
Wendy	Truth or Dare?
Kyle	Umm. Dare?
	Stan looks at him angrily, then punches him on the arm.
Stan	Dude!
Kyle	What?
Wendy	[Whispers.] How about we give him Bebe?
Bebe	[Whispers.] Okay.
Wendy	[Whispers.] Okay.
Bebe	[Whispers.] Okay.
Wendy	Kiss Bebe on the lips!
Kyle	What?!! Sick, dude, I'm not kissing a girl!
Wendy	What's the matter, Kyle?
Kyle	It's just wrong, that's all.
Stan	Don't be a chicken, dude. Just close your eyes.
Kyle	What the hell have you gotten me into?!
Stan	Dude, Cartman is in his clubhouse playing Truth or Dare with girls right now. You really want him to beat us?
	Kyle thinks for a moment then looks at Bebe.
Kyle	Hoh boy.
	Kyle puckers up, Bebe comes and gives him a peck on the lips.
Kyle	Sick!
	He gets up and rushes to the entrance.
Kyle	Aggghhh! Fucking sickening!
	Kyle shimmies on down.
Bebe	[Staring at him as he leaves.] Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby!
Wendy	Your turn, Bebe.
Bebe	[Seated back by Wendy.] Okay, Stan. Truth or Dare?
	Stan takes a moment to look at Wendy, then at her lips.
Bebe	Stan, Truth or Dare?
Stan	[Sensually.] Dare.
	Before Bebe can respond and bring Stan to Wendy's sweet lips, Roy pops in, ruining everything.
Roy	Son, could you please help me with the firewood?
Stan	...Dude, we cut firewood all day yesterday! We have enough to last twelve years!
Roy	When will you let me in? Let me love you?! Now, get your ass out here and help me.
Wendy	Bye, Stan. Hopefully we can play Truth or Dare tomorrow.
Stan	Crap!
	Over at Cartman's clubhouse.
Runaway girl 1	I think you should be able to move out legally when you're fourteen.
Runaway girl 2	[Pulls out a cigarette.] Our moms won't even let us smoke.
Runaway girl 1	Yeah, it's my body. My mom always gives me shit for smoking, but it's my body. I should be able to do whatever I want with it.
Cartman	Totally. Uuuuuh my mom gives me shit sometimes, and I tell her to shut her hole before I kick her in the nuts!
	Just then, Liane calls up to him and he freezes.
Liane	Eric, snookums! it's time for Mommy to tuck you into your snuggleboat for night-night.
	He's clearly alarmed now.
Liane	Eric, are you out there in your clubhouse?
Cartman	[Voice shaking.] Coming, Mom. [To the girls.] Okay, we have to play Truth or Dare, quick!
Guy in leather jacket	Hey, girls.
Guy with long hair	What's up.
Runaway girl 1	Oh hey, Scott.
Cartman	Who the hell are you?!
Runaway girl 2	Uh- we invited some people over. Hope you don't mind.
Cartman	How many people?
	The bus stop, next day. Kyle is alone, and Bebe walks up.
Bebe	Kyle, can I talk to you?
Kyle	Okay.
Bebe	Kyle, this is very difficult for me. I think we need time apart.
Kyle	Huh?
Bebe	I'm just feeling really trapped. I can't go on with this codependency.
Kyle	Okay, that's fine.
	Bebe covers Kyle's mouth with her mitten.
Bebe	No, no. Don't speak. Just try and understand. It has to be this way.
Kyle	[Muffled.] But I don't care.
Bebe	Please. Just remember the good times we had. I'll never forget you. Never.
	She walks over to love interest.
Bebe	Okay, Clyde, we can go now.
Clyde	Bitchin'.
	Clyde walks off after her. Back at Stan's house, Roy is watching a home decorating show. Stan comes in.
Host	These are café curtains that require no sewing, and I know you all love that!
	A smattering of applause. Not many audience members.
Stan	Do you mind if I watch cartoons? I've had a rough day.
Roy	Nnuuhunuuhh.
Stan	What?
Roy	Chores. Do chores.
Stan	My dad lets me watch cartoons.
Roy	Well I'm not your dad. Okay? I'm not your dad! You- you can't just go around playing games with my emotions.
	Roy starts weeping and walks away as Sharon approaches.
Sharon	[Arms on her hips.] Stanley, what did you do to Roy?
Stan	Roy's a dick! He ruined my chances with Wendy in the clubhouse!
Sharon	[Sighs.] Stanley, you know you're the most important thing to me, right?
Stan	If that's true, then get back together with Dad for me!
Sharon	Now Stanley, you have to understand how divorce works. When I say, "you're the most important thing to me," what I mean is, you're the most important thing after me and my happiness and my new romances.
Stan	Oh.
Sharon	Bye now. Roy!
	Sharon goes after him.
Stan	Divorce is stupid.
	Stan clicks on the TV, and "Fat Abbot" comes on.
Fat Abbot	Heeyy heeyy heeyy! Hey Yolanda. Why is your eye all black and blue and shit?
Yolanda	Maaan, Fat Abbot. My stepdad popped me in my eye.
Fat Abbot	Stepdad? You gotta off his ass!
Yolanda	Really?
Fat Abbot	Yeah, bitch! Snatch his ass in a bear trap! Leave that motherfucker swingin' from a tree so high nobody finds him for days! Glock-glock, you know what I'm sayin'? Dumbassed motherfucker pullin' shit! Damn!
Yolanda	You're right, Fat Abbot. Thanks!
Fat Abbot	No problem, ho. Maybe later you can suck my dick, bitch-ho! Shit!
Bill	Well, Fat Abbot and the gang sure done learned somethin' today. If you have a stepdad ridin' your ass, just snatch his ass in a bear trap. Grine! No more stepdad. See ya next time eatin' the pudding.
Stan	Yeah. Yeah, I think I'll write a little note for Roy.
	Stan grabs paper and pencil and starts writing. That night, over at Cartman's clubhouse, the place is jumping, music is blaring, and a small crowd mills around. The long-haired teenager stands next to the radio for a moment, then passes out. Cartman brings a tray holding a box and bowl of Cheesy Poofs.
Older kid	Hey, kid, give me some of those!
	Holding a beer bottle, he grabs some Cheesy Poofs and swallows them.
	Cartman fights through the crowd to the teenage girls Kenny found.
Cartman	Hey! When are we gonna play Truth or Dare?
Runaway girl 1	What? That game's for kids.
Cartman	This is bullcrap!
	Cartman throws up the tray and lets it fly everywhere, Randy, who is also at Cartman's clubhouse party is hanging out near a girl dancing in overalls.
Randy	Oh boy, it's getting late. I'm gonna have to leave this party.
Cartman	This sucks, Kenny! I wish we'd never built a clubhouse!
	The music begins to build.
Punk	Mosh pit!
	Kenny stands alone in an open space in the crowd.
Kenny	(Huh?)
	The crowd rushes to fill it in and stomps all over him, then disperses, revealing rats feasting on his corpse. The lyrics appropriately say, "Why don't you just pull a piece of me? Why catch some piece of me? Why does everybody want a piece of me?"
Cartman	Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
	Outside on the street in front of Cartman's house, Kyle happens to be passing by.
Kyle	You bastard!
	Over at Stan's house. Sharon shouts for Stan to hear if he is home.
Sharon	Stanley?! Your father is coming over for visitation! Stan?
	She sees the note he has written, which reads: Meet me in the clubhouse. She tosses the note onto the sofa and walks out. Roy enters the living room after she has left.
Roy	Sharon? Sharon, have you seen my copy of Harper's?
	Roy sees the note and reads it aloud.
Roy	Meet me at the clubhouse.
	Out inside Stan's clubhouse, Randy is sitting alone, Sharon climbs up and parts the curtain behind him.
Sharon	Oh, Randy. What are you doing here?
	She climbs in and sits near him.
Randy	I, uh, got a note from Stanley to come out to the-uh clubhouse.
Sharon	Oh I thought that note was for me.
Randy	Oh, maybe it was.
	Sharon looks around, surveying Stan and Kyle's handiwork.
Sharon	Well, it looks like our little Stanley has built himself quite a clubhouse here.
Randy	I remember not too long ago we were just kids playing kissing games in my clubhouse.
	A moment of awkward silence, then Sharon gets up and goes to leave.
Sharon	Goodnight.
Randy	Sharon?
Sharon	Yes?
	She turns back to face him.
Randy	Truth or Dare?
Sharon	It's too late for games.
	She comes back in and sits down.
Randy	No, I'm serious, please. Truth or Dare?
Sharon	Truth.
Randy	Do you still love me?
Sharon	Oh, Randy, I do love you, but- now I'm so confused-uh. I'm living with Roy and-, I don't know how to break it off with him.
	Roy exits the house looking for Sharon.
Roy	Sharon--
	Roy springs a trap.
Roy	Guh-ow! Uh. Ey! Uh.
Randy	Well, you never know. Maybe--
Roy	He-
Randy	--thing will work out.
Roy	Hello?
Sharon	Maybe. I guess it's my turn. Truth or Dare?
Roy	Sharon?
Randy	[Sensually.] Dare.
Sharon	Do me. Right here in the clubhouse.
	Randy pounces on her and they go at it.
Roy	Hello? Hel-lo? Could- could somebody get me d-? Hello?
	Stan is holding the rope to the trap.
Stan	Wow. Clubhouses are magical.
	The next day back at the clubhouse, Stan, Wendy, Bebe, and Clyde are there.
Bebe	Okay. It's my turn. Stan? Truth or Dare?
	Stan is nervous, sweating, but willing. He looks at Wendy then at her lips.
Stan	Dare.
	Wendy and Bebe whisper.
Bebe	Take this stick and jam it up your peehole.
Stan	...What?!
Wendy	Wow, that sucks! Do you think it'll hurt?
	End of Clubhouses, Roy is still dangling from the tree outside.
Roy	Hello? I sure am hungry. Anybody? It certainly does suck right here. Hello? Shuh- Sharon? Sharon, hello?
Fin de La Garçonnière