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Fin de saison

Randy	Hey, good morning, everybody. Welcome to Tegridy Breakfast, the show where we talk about everything Tegridy Farms. I'm Randy Marsh.
Towelie	Hehehey, folks. I'm Towelie.
Randy	Today we're gonna talk about what's been growing on the farm, especially our new Tegridy Thanksgiving Special. [displays the new strain in a mason jar]
Towelie	I'll tell you what. I-I, I smoked that out of a four-foot bong, and it just about destroyed my fro-
Agent	[coming in with another agent and two police officers] Alright, wrap it up! Shut this down! Come on, Marsh, Let's go.
Randy	Guh, uh go where?
Agent	Everyone's had enough, Mr. Marsh. I'm gonna need you to come with us. [an officer steps forth to arrest him]
Randy	[stands, to be arrested] What the hell are you do-? [remembers his show] Sorry, everybody. We'll be right back.
Officer 1	Let's go!
	Tegridy Farms, day, outside
Randy	What do you think you're-? My show! My Tegridy Farms show!
	City Hall, later. The City Council is in session. The officer brings Randy in, handcuffed
Randy	Hello, Mayor. Mr. and Mrs. Tweek, ... Mackey.
Mayor McDaniels	Mr. Marsh, do you remember a few weeks ago when homes in South Park were attacked by a terrorist called Mexican Joker?
Randy	Yah, Mexican Joker. That was terrible.
Mayor	Right. Except there was no Mexican Joker. It was you who blew up people's yards because they were home-growing their own marijuana.
Randy	[bites his lip, then chuckles] Well, that's ridiculous.
Mayor	The Tweeks have come forward with some footage caught on their security camera.
Randy	Guys, I have nothing against homegrowers.
Mayor	Run the footage, please! [her aide starts up the video. Randy is shown creeping up to a homegrown operation and pissing into it.]
Randy	Hm... [the footage shown him getting deeper into the small garden and pooping in it] Hmmm... [then it shows him burying an explosive and walking away. Two seconds later there's an explosion and the camera footage is interrupted.]
Mayor	People are fed up, Marsh. The past few weeks you've held parades for yourself, needlessly slaughtered a thousand cows, made deals with the Chinese, and nearly poisoned everyone with your Halloween Special. Everyone's had enough of Tegridy Farms.
Randy	Enough of Tegridy Farms? South Park is NOTHING without Tegridy Farms!
Mayor	You'll be taken to county jail to await your trial. Get him out of here. [an attending officer comes in to do the job]
Randy	I didn't do anything wrong! [the officer pulls Randy up to his feet and walks him away] You people are just jealous! Jealous that I took over South Park and I'm successful! [the officer takes Randy out of the office]
Mayor	Well. At least now South Park can start getting back to normal.
	The neighborhood park, day. Two teams of six players each oppose each other in a game of football. Kenny has the ball and Cartman is set to receive it.
Cartman	Titty farts! Titty farts dog wiener. [backs away] Dog wiener, dog wiener! [gets back into position] Pubic mound. Pubic mound.
Kyle	Just hike the stupid ball, Cartman.
Cartman	Pubic mound titty farts hike! [receives the ball from Kenny. Kyle counts down 15 seconds before Cartman throws the ball.]
Kyle	Mississippi one Mississippi two Mississippi three Mississippi four Mississippi five Mississippi six Mississippi seven Mississippi eight Mississippi nine Mississippi ten Mississippi eleven Mississippi twelve Mississippi thirteen Mississippi fourteen Mississippi fifteen Mississippi.
Jason	[while Kyle counts] Dude, I'm open!
Cartman	[while Kyle counts] You can't catch!
Jason	[while Kyle counts] Dude, I'm wide open! [Cartman releases the ball, and it goes high. Jason goes into the street to catch it, but is struck down by a police car and killed. The officer doesn't stop. The ball comes down next to Jason two seconds later. Most of the boys are aghast]
Cartman	That totally would have been a touchdown.
	The Church, day. Funeral music plays. Mrs. White is heard crying. Jason's casket and picture are shown
Fr. Maxi	Little Jason White was a happy child. A playful child. And ultimately it was his playfulness in sports that got him killed in a freak hit-and-run accident. The father would like to now say a few words. [leaves the podium and gives Bob a quick hug as Bob takes the podium.]
Bob	I'm Robert White, Jason's father, and I can tell you that as a White, Jason lived a challenged life. When I look out on this congregation, I can't help but think, "There's not a whole lot of people here." Doesn't seem like a big deal. Nobody's outraged. 'Cause it was our family. Nobody cares when a White gets killed by the police. There should be protests and marches, but NO. The police killed a White! That's not protest-worthy! Everybody's busy trying to lock up Randy Marsh! Now my wife and I have a dead child and we can't even get any weed to make us feel better! Yeah, don't listen to me. I'm just a White. [leaves the podium. His wife is still crying.]
	Tegridy Farms, day. Sharon is at the dinner table addressing her kids
Sharon	Kids, I have something to tell you, but I don't want you to be scared, okay? Daddy is... in police custody until there's a hearing. He could be in jail for a long time.
Shelly	Do you promise?
Stan	Like, how long is "a long time"? Could it be years?
Sharon	It could be, sweetheart. We don't know.
Stan	YES!
Shelly	Is it possible he could get out of it?
Sharon	Of course it's possible, honey
Shelly	Egh! [looks away angrily]
Stan	But if he doesn't get out of it, then what happens to us?
Sharon	We probably have to sell the farm and move, back to town, and, sort of, live our lives without the marijuana business and without Daddy. [a smile keeps breaking through as she explains things] Just... try to stay hopeful, kids.
Stan	We will, Mom. You too.
Sharon	Okay, you too, Shelly.
Shelly	Okay, Mom. You too.
	The White House, day. President Garrison is in the Oval Office cracking nuts and eating them. The phone rings and he picks up.
Garrison	What? ...Who? ...Oh okay, sure, put him through. This is the President.
Randy	Hi, Mr. Ga- Mr. President, Uh, I'm really sorry to bother you. Look, uh... I'm in a bit of trouble.
Garrison	Huho, tell me about it.
Randy	Yeah, they uh, someone got some supposed evidence on me doing something... "illegal" and uh.
Garrison	Well, did you tell everyone you didn't do anything wrong?
Randy	Y-yeah, of course.
Garrison	Well, did you then go on the attack and swap the accusations to make yourself a victim?
Randy	Did I what?
Garrison	Oh Jeez, DARVO, Randy. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Alright, let's role-play. You be your accusers and I be you. Okay, go.
Randy	Uh, uhm, "Hey, you! You blew up people's yards who were growing their own marijuana!"
Garrison	"No I didn't! Are you joking, you psychopath?! Now you're blowin' up my yard!" Go ahead, try another one.
Randy	"You, you illegally damaged property and made your business-"
Garrison	"You damage property to make your business more profitable, you lying sack of shit! I'm not gonna be bullied by you!" See? [looks at footage of himself speaking on several screens] It's really not that hard, just takes a little chin wiggle.
Randy	Jeez, you're really good at that. Look, what I really need from you is some personnel. Do you know any good lawyers?
Garrison	Do I know any good lawyers? No, but I do know Rudy Giuliani. [at this point Rudy peaks out from under the desk.]
Giuliani	Hehey hey, fuck you!
Garrison	The fuck you, Rudy. Are you finished cleaning up those pistachio nuts yet?
Giuliani	Yeah, that's all of them, Mr. President.
Garrison	Listen, Randy, I'm gonna throw you a bone. You just sit tight and I'll have him take care of this.
	Tegridy farms, day. The Broflovskis ring the front door bell
Sharon	Sheila, Gerald, hi.
Sheila	Hi, Sharon. We just know you're going through a really hard time right now. We wanted to bring you guys some lasagna.
Sharon	Oh that's so sweet, thank you. Other families have brought some stuff too. Come on in. [Gerald and Sheila go in and find something of a party going on. Shelly is dancing on the sofa] Hey guys. We got lasagna. [Stan, Butters, and Cartman show up and run around her]
Shelly	I love lasagnaaa.
Sharon	No running in the house, you little turkeys. [the boys run off, and Gerald and Sheila join her]
Sheila	Oh, look at that, Sharon. You took down all the pictures of marijuana.
Sharon	Oh, yeah. You know, just too painful. You know, they remind me of Randy. That's why I took Randy's pictures as well, because, you know, they remind me of Randy.
Linda Black	Look, I'm sorry if you don't want to talk about it, but have you thought of what you guys might do if Randy gets put away?
Sharon	Yeah, I've kind of made a list of all the things I might do. It's kind of a long list.
Bob	Oh, isn't this lovely? [The music scratches to a stop. He, his wife and their daughter are just inside] The whole town, turning out to support the Marsh family in their time of need. [looks of shock great them] Our son was killed by the police.
Mrs. White	[sobbing] Why?
Bob	Would have been nice if somebody had brought us some lasagna. You know, if I'm not mistaken, it almost seems like you people are happy that Tegridy Farms is being indicted. It's almost like you're reveling in it. My wife and I were both Tegridy Plus members! We always believed in Randy Marsh. We believed... in Tegridy. And now there's less Whites. Now there's less Whites. [they turn and leave]
Butters	Oh Jeez. We should have never played football that close to the road.
Cartman	Yeah, this isn't right.
Butters	Wu-where are you going, Eric?
Cartman	I think I might be able to help them. [follows the Whites out]
	Tegridy Farms, outside. The Whites are close to the entrance when Eric calls out to them
Cartman	Mr. and Mrs. White! [The Whites stop and he catches up to them] I'm sorry about what happened. I knew Jason pretty well. He was a shitty receiver, but he would have wanted his parents to... move on. And help a new child.
Mrs. White	What? What do you mean?
Cartman	A few weeks ago, I was sent somewhere. It was a place where people like you could find a way to fill that empty hole.
	Texas detention center, day. An ICE bus pulls up and unloads its passengers, all parents seeking children to adopt
Jeff	Welcome, everyone. My name is Jeff. We're thrilled you've come to help out and adopt. The parents of the children inside have all been deported, but the kids are legal citizens, since they were born in the United States. [he leads the group inside and down some hallways lined with kennels] Mr. and Mrs. White?
Bob	Yes?
Jeff	We've all heard about your tragic loss. I'd love to help out however I can. Is there something specific you're looking for?
Mrs. White	We... don't really know.
Jeff	Well, we've got all kinds here, depending on your preferences. [points out the various kinds of kids he has as they move down the hallway] Here's a little Panamanian. They're very clean. This is a Colombian shorthair. Oh, and this is a good one. This is a Baja shepherd.
Baja Shepherd	Quiero a mi papá. Quiero a mi mamá. ["I want my dad. I want my mom."]
Jeff	Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? ["Fine, thanks. And you?"]
Bob	Oh, honey. Look at the Peruvian hairless.
Jeff	Yes, they're pretty silly-looking. Great with kids though.
Bob	Hey, what's this little guy?
Jeff	Oh, why, this is a purebred Mexican. He's had all his shots; parents were deported two weeks ago. Here, we can let him run around a little bit. [opens the kennel to let the boy out]
Mexican	[steps out] Mi familia. ¿Dónde está? ["My family. Where is it?"]
Jeff	Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? ["Fine, thanks. And you?"]
Mrs. White	Oh Bob, he's kind of perfect.
Bob	Hello, little fellow. How would you like to be a White? [the boy is dumbfounded]
	County Jail Infirmary at South Park, day. It has 8 beds, six of which are filled. Randy is in the one at far right. A doctor is checking out his ears
Randy	Look, doctor. You have to give me something. I'm really sick.
Doctor	What exactly are your symptoms?
Randy	I'm like, starting to question things that I've done. Like, starting to question the person I've become. And I can't sleep at night I, I just lay in my cell wondering if I've been a bad father lately, and a bad husband, and... please, it really hurts. I need some marijuana.
Doctor	Sounds like you haven't had access to marijuana for a while, now reality is setting in.
Randy	I just need a little medicinal weed and these symptoms will all go away.
Doctor	Well maybe they shouldn't go away. Maybe this is your wake-up call that you've been abusing drugs, and need to face all your wrongdoings, try to turn your life around.
Randy	You need to turn your life around! Clearly you have the addiction problem and I'm just your whipping boy!
Doctor	That's not going to work, Mr. Marsh. You're not the President of the United States.
Randy	Ahh, poop!
	The White house, evening. The Whites and their newly-adopted son are enjoying TV dinners in the living room. The boy studies them
Mrs. White	Well Alejandro, how are you enjoying being a White so far?
Alejandro	Mi familia. ¿Dónde está? ["My family. Where is it?"]
Mrs. White	Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? ["Fine, thanks. And you?"]
Bob	Yes, it's good us Whites have each other, Alejandro, because... I need to tell you something. You see, now that you're a White, life isn't gonna be so easy. You're gonna find that a lot of people in this world just don't care about the Whites.
Mrs. White	You'll hear about how others in the world are mistreated, but nobody will care when you are.
Crystal	Being a White is the hardest thing ever.
Bob	That's my little White. [the boy is using a phone all of a sudden. Bob notices something onscreen] Oh, turn it up, honey.
Anchor	And the President of the United States today called the allegations against Randy Marsh "total, buttfucking bullshit," and claims the neighbors who came forward with the evidence video are "tampon-faced, 69ing whistleblowers." When asked for clarification, the President's lawyer and treasonous pig Rudy Giuliani, had this to say.
Giuliani	Ohhh, this is just a conspiracy. It's conspiracy! And we need everyone out there who, who don't think their voices are heard, to make their voices louder!
Bob	Uh, he's absolutely right. Starting tomorrow, the Whites are gonna start actively trying to stop all this trial nonsense.
Mrs. White	Bob, Alejandro's on your phone and it's past phone use time.
Bob	Hey! [snatches the phone from him.] Why, he's trying to call Mexico! Alejandro, the Whites do not use mobile devices after 7 pm.
Mrs. White	Why would he try to call long distance to Mexico? Does he just assume that the Whites have all the money in the world?
Bob	The Whites don't call long distance! [bops Alejandro on the head with the remote control]
Mrs. White	Jason never tried to use mobile devices after the cutoff time. Jason never tried to call long distance. [begins to cry and leaves the living room]
Bob	Well good job, Alejandro! Now you've upset your mother!
Alejandro	¡Esa no es mi madre! ["That's not my mother!"]
Bob	Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? ["Fine, thanks. And you?", Alejandro looks at him quizzically]
	County Prison Therapy Room. Two guards keep watch over eight inmates in this room. A Relationship graph is drawn on a whiteboard under the room's sign
Randy	I've had a lot of time to just sit in here and think. I'm starting to realize I have this pattern of behavior where I... always want more. More weed, more drinks, more deals with the Chinese. It's never enough. See, I've always had my flaws, but at the end of the day, I cared about people. You know what the President said? He said just deny everything and make yourself the victim. Yeah, well... maybe he's part of how I got here. Maybe the President has brought down my moral meter. I don't mean to cast blame - I'm to blame - but... ever since he was elected, I've compared my morals to his. And no matter how awful I am, I'm never as bad a the President, so I'm... okay.
	The Whites are in front of a market. Alejandro and Crystal carry bells in their hands, Bob has a clipboard, and his wife carries a sign: "STOP THIS RIDICULOUS PERSECUTION!"
Bob	Help support Tegridy Farms and Randy Marsh! Randy Marsh has done nothing wrong! Stop the ridiculous persecution! [Alejandro is mad, so he doesn't ring his bell]
Mrs. White	Exonerate Tegridy Farms? [a woman walks into the store without stopping to contribute.] Oh yeah! Just ignore us! The Whites are used to it!
Bob	Good one, honey.
Crystal	Daddy! Alejandro isn't ringing his bell!
Bob	Alejandro! There's few enough of us as it is! We're not gonna stop this trial unless all the Whites chip in! [takes the bell from Alejandro and rings it] Now ring your bell! [bops him on the head with it, rings it, and gives it back to him.]
Alejandro	[throws his bell away] ¡No quiero estar aquí! ["I don't want to be here!"]
Mrs. White	It's like he doesn't appreciate us, Bob.
Bob	Oh, I know.
Mrs. White	I mean, we give him a place to live, food, we take care of him.
Bob	It just... [soft gasp] he just doesn't seem happy. Maybe if we got him a little thing to take care of and feed he'd understand how much responsibility it is.
	Texas detention center, day. The Whites are back at the detention center with Alejandro
Jeff	We're so glad you came back, Mr. and Mrs. White. We have even more kids now whose parents have been deported.
Bob	See one you like, Alejandro? Now that you're a White, you can pick anyone you want.
Jeff	Oh, here's a good one. Four years old, parents just deported yesterday. He's a Panamanian podengo pequeño.
Bob	Do you like him, Alejandro?
Jeff	We could see how he gets along with the kids. [opens the kennel door and the boy walks out]
Panamanian	Quiero a mi mamá. ["I want my mom."]
Alejandro	Nunca la vas a ver. ["You won't see her again".]
Mrs. White	Oh look. I think he likes him.
Bob	Alright, Alejandro, but you have to take care of him and clean up after him.
Mrs. White	This is a great addition to our family.
Bob	Yeah. [in her ear] Now there will be more Whites to stop those needless hearings.
	South Park County Prison, Cell 13. Randy sits alone in this cell looking at a picture of his family.
Officer Peterson	Hey Marsh, you got a visitor.
Randy	I do?
Officer Peterson	[taking Randy to the visiting room] Fifteen minutes. That's all you get. [Randy goes in]
Giuliani	Hello Mr. Marsh? My name is Mr. Giuliani. I've been sent to try and help you.
Randy	Oh. Thanks, but I think I'm just gonna plead guilty.
Giuliani	Oh, that sounds like someone who's a little down in the puss. The President said you would be, and he thought you might need a little something special. [proceeds to take down his pants and briefs] Ssshhhhhh. [reaches into his ass and pulls out a joint, then lights it] Would this make you feel better?
Randy	Oh. Ohhh.
Giuliani	[waves the joint around] Is this just what the doctor ordered?
Randy	Yeahhh. [jumps forward and takes a long drag]
	Breaking News
Field reporter	Tom, I'm standing outside the government building where Randy Marsh is about to be arraigned. Protesters from both sides have gathered here. Some of them who are for the proceedings...
Crowd	Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up!
Field reporter	...and also those in support of ending the investigation.
The Whites	Let him go! Let him go!
Mrs. White	These hearings are a waste of the taxpayers' money!
Bob	Nothing in these hearings will change the Whites' minds one bit!
Crystal	Daddy!
Bob	What?
Crystal	Alejandro isn't putting on his sunscreen! [he's holding on to a bottle of it, though]
Bob	Alejandro, what have we told you?! All Whites wear sunscreen! Put it on right now! [takes the sunscreen and bops it on his head]
Alejandro	¡Ahhh! ¡No necesito protector solar! ¡Necesito a mi madre y a mi padre! ["Ahhh. I don't need sunscreen! I need my mom and my dad!"]
Bob	¡BIEN, GRACIAS! ¡¿Y TÚ?! ["FINE, THANKS! AND YOU?!"] Now put it on! [opens the sunscreen and rubs it all over Alejandro's face, giving him the whiteface of a clown.]
Alejandro	¡Alto! ¡Aah! ¡Alto! ¡Te odio! ¡Te odio! ["Stop! Aah! Stop! I hate you! I hate you!" He runs away]
	City Hall, day. The Mayor. The City Council of 13 is seated. Mr. Mackey isn't present, as he was protesting outside. The President and Mr. Giuliani are present, flanking Randy. A small crowd of people is witness to the arraignment
Mayor	In the South Park vs. Tegridy Farms matter, we are now ready to proceed with the arraignment. Before doing so, Mr. Marsh, do you have any words?
Randy	Yeah, I have some words to say!
Giuliani	Go get 'em! Go, go get 'em!
Randy	I can't believe I'm being attacked here! You people are monsters! The evidence shows me in a yard taking a dump! Yes! Because I was setting a trap for Mexican Joker! [skeptical cries erupt from the crowd] That's right! And Mexican Joker attacked seconds later! I was trying to protect you people from terrorists! And what do I get for it?! I get a- a bunch of- [the President and Giuliani cheer him on silently] A bunch of... No... No, I can't do this. You wanna know what really happened? The President... sent me his lawyer, and his lawyer told me what to say to get off and gave me a joint in prison.
Crowd	[swelling] What??
Randy	And then I smoked that joint! And you know what I thought?! I thought "this is some shitty-ass weed." It wasn't Tegridy. It barely even changed my mental state. The reason I got into the marijuana business was to make quality, simple weed that came from the heart. Weed that was strong, and pure. Somewhere on that journey I lost my way. Tegridy weed is about community. It's a sunrise. It's the smile on a baby. But most of all [reaches a chair and puts a foot up on it], Tegridy weed is about family. I had forgotten I have a loving wife, and son [Sharon, Stan, and Shelly are shown, Shelly with arms crossed], and I'm not gonna forget them anymore. [Shelly uncrosses her arms and puts her palms up] So I'm not gonna fight this. I'll do my time and... maybe someday I'll be back. Making marijuana that's simple. Marijuana that's Tegridy. Because, when you do the right thing, good things happen. [explosions are heard outside, and the people in chambers go to the windows to see what's going on. Sure enough, buildings are exploding all around town. Alejandro is vandalizing police cars with a bat]
Man with orange shirt	It's him! Oh god, it's him!
Townswoman	Oh, Jesus, save us!
Officer 2	G-give it up, Mexican Joker. You don't wanna do this. [Alejandro smashes the cruiser some more, then brings out a Molotov cocktail.]
Bob	Alejandro! Get down from there this minute!
Alejandro	¡Abajo con Estados Unidos! ["Down with the United States!" An officer fires a shot and injures Alejandro. Other cops fire away and cause a cloud of smoke to rise up and hide Alejandro. Alejandro seizes the opportunity to make his escape.]
	South Park City Hall, day. Randy and Rudy exit the double doors and approach the podium set up for a press conference
Reporters	Mr. Marsh. Mr. Marsh. Mr. Marsh Marsh Marsh. Over here.
Reporter	Mr. Marsh, how does it feel to be exonerated? [as soon as they reach the podium, Giuliani starts massaging Randy's shoulders]
Randy	Thank you. It feels really good to have these charges dropped. Now we can all get back to the business of trying to heal. I'd like to... [notice Giuliani massaging his shoulders] Would you please get the fuck away from me? [Giuliani lets go, adjusts his dentures, and puts his thumbs up in approval] I'd like to take this opportunity to thank those who have always been by my side, supporting me from the very beginning, the people who stood by me since day one and gave me hope. The Whites. [he and Giuliani clap. The Whites look surprised, then they put their hands to their chests.] Thanks for having my back, Mr. and Mrs. White. And now, everybody, if you don't mind, I've got a farm to tend to. [waves to everybody as he leaves]
	Tegridy Farms, day. Winter has come, and snow is falling everywhere. The marijuana plants have been harvested and cut back. Inside, Randy brings a box containing six jars of Tegridy weed to the table. Shelly is suffering a personal hell being around marijuana, so she has buried her face in her arms
Randy	Well gang, I guess that's about it, huh? It's been a really good run, but, looks like the season is over.
Shelly	[perks up] The season is over?
Randy	Well sure, the first snow is falling, crops are pretty much dead. Well what'd you all think, huh? I think the season was a little better than anyone expected. I really wanna thank you guys for a great run. [walks to a camera off to his left] And hey, we hope you all enjoyed the season too. It had a little bit of everything, didn't it? And hopefully, the season finale really brought it all home. Of course, if you haven't had a chance to try the season finale yet, it is available now for a special price. This limited-edition weed made from the very last crop of the season is pricey, but worth it. [cuts to the live-action shot of a guy's hand putting the jar of Season Finale next to the five other jars of episode-titled weed.]
Announcer	Now taking pre-orders for Season 2.
Fin de Fin de saison

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