Chef Aid/Script

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Chef Aid

	South Park Elementary Cafeteria. While the boys wait in line for their lunches.
Cartman	[Singing.] Stinky britches, you got stinky britches Stinky, stinky britches, you got stinky--
Kyle	What the hell are you singing, Cartman?
Cartman	This new song by Alanis Morissette. I can’t get it out of my head. Stinky britches, you got stinky britches
Mr. Garrison	[Passes by.] Hello, children. Ready for lunch?
Cartman	Stinky britches, you got stinky, stinky--
Mr. Garrison	Eric, is there a problem?
Cartman	Yeah, I can’t get this stupid song out of my head.
Mr. Garrison	"Stinky Britches" by Alanis Morissette?
Cartman	Yeah. Stinky, stinky britches
Mr. Garrison	Children, did you say hi to Mr. Twig?
Mr. Twig	Hi, boys. How are you?
Kyle	When is Mr. Hat coming back?
Mr. Garrison	[Pause.] I told you never say his name in my presence.
Stan	But we hate Mr. Twig. Mr. Twig sucks.
Kid	Yeah.
Cartman	[Quietly to himself.] Stinky britches, you got stinky--
Mr. Garrison	It just so happens that Mr. Twig is far more stable than Mr. Hat could ever be, so he's the better puppet now--
Kyle	He'd be better used as a coat rack.
	Students begin laughing at a dismayed, offended Garrison.
Mr. Garrison	[Livid.] How dare you! Come on, Mr. Twig.
	Mr. Garrison walks off as the boys enter the kitchen.
Chef	Hello there, children.
Boys	Hey, Chef.
Cartman	You got stinky britches, stinky--
Chef	What did you say?
Kyle	He singing some new hit song.
Chef	Eric, where did you hear that song?
Cartman	It’s all over the place. On the radio, MTV, everywhere.
Chef	[Softly.] Well, I'll be sodomized on Christmas.
Stan	What, dude?
Chef	Children, I wrote that song 20 years ago.
Cartman	You wrote it?
Chef	Yeah. Back when I used to be in the rock business. And now it looks like some big record company has published one of my songs.
Kyle	Wow, then you should get money for it!
Chef	Aww, I don't want any money. I just like to see my name on the credits, that's all.
Kyle	Then we should go to the record company. My dad's a lawyer, dude; he tells me about this stuff all the time.
Chef	Well, all right. Maybe I will go. I’ll play them my version of the song.
	Capitalist Records, California. Chef is playing his song for the record producer.
Chef (recording)	Stinky britches, you got those stinky britches.
Chef	So you see, Mr. Big record producer, "Stinky Britches" was something I wrote several years ago.
Mr. Big record producer	Hmm… I really so no resemblance between that song and "Stinky Britches" by our artist, Alanis Morissette.
Chef	Huh?
Kyle	It’s the same goddamn song!
Chef	Now, look, I’m trying to be cool about this, but you just can't rip people's music off! It's against the law!
Mr. Big record producer	I am above the law!
	His hair falls forward, and he quickly puts it back into place with Spooge hair gel.
Mr. Big record producer	Mr. Chef, I’m afraid you leave me no alternative. We’re going to sue you.
Chef	Sue me?! You stole one of my songs, and you’re gonna sue me?
Mr. Big record producer	Yes. I suggest you get a real good lawyer. We’ll have the best in the business.
Kyle	We’ll get my dad to be Chef’s lawyer!
Cartman	Yeah, and he’s Jewish.
	Mr. Garrison's house, Garrison is watching Alanis Morissette's Stinky Britches music video.
Alanis Morissette	Stinky, stinky britches, stinky britches
	A clattering noise is heard.
Mr. Garrison	Mr. Twig, is that you?
	Mr. Garrison turns off the TV and goes to the kitchen.
Mr. Garrison	Mis-Mr. Twig?
	He sees a pot of boiling water and approaches it, then lifts the lid. Mr. Twig is floating around, charred.
Mr. Garrison	Aagghh!! Mr. Twig! No!
	He throws the pot to the floor.
Mr. Garrison	Who did this to you, Mr. Twig?! Who?!
	Courthouse, Gerald Broflovski is representing the defense, Chef.
Gerald	Now, just let me do all the talking, Chef. We’re gonna bring these bastards down.
Chef	Right.
	Judge Moses bangs his gavel.
Judge Moses	This court is now in session. Who's representing the defense?
Gerald	I am, Your Honor. Gerald Broflovski.
Judge Moses	And representing the prosecution?
Prosecutor	I am, Your Honor.
	The Prosecutor is none other that Johnnie Cochran, the spectators gasp at this turn of events.
Gerald	Uh-oh.
Chef	Why "uh-oh"?
Gerald	Chef, that's Johnnie Cochran. He's the guy who knocked O.J. off.
Chef	Uh-oh.
	Meanwhile at Hell's Pass Hospital, Mr. Garrison bursts through the doors of the ER holding Mr. Twig in a blanket.
Mr. Garrison	I need some help over here! Please help! I think he's got third-degree burns!
	Dr. Doctor and his team turn to him, then rush over. The patient sits up and looks.
Dr. Doctor	Give the child to me.
	Dr. Doctor takes the bundle and unfurls the blanket. The doctors draw close to look at Mr. Twig.
Mr. Garrison	[Panicked.] Is he going to be all right, doctor?
Dr. Doctor	Uhhh...
Mr. Garrison	Is he going to live?
Dr. Doctor	[Slowly.] It's a stick.
Mr. Garrison	...Dammit, don't give me that medical jargon! Just tell me straight, is he going to be okay?!
	Over at Cartman's house, the boys are watching the trial on television.
Reporter	And so on this 15th day of what is considered to be the most important trial of the...day, Johnnie Cochran has appeared to defend Capitalist Records. The question now is, will Cochran use his famous "Chewbacca defense"?
Cartman	What's a "Chewbacca defense"?
Kyle	I don't know.
Stan	That's what Cochran used in the O.J. Simpson trial.
Cartman	Goddamn, I hate that Cochran guy! If he was in front of me, I'd be like, "Hey! You stupid son of a b****! You-- How... How'd you like me to kick you in the nuts?!"
Kyle	I'm sure that would scare the hell out of him, Cartman.
	In the courtroom.
Gerald	...And so, in summation, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you've heard the version of my client's song recorded over twenty years ago. You've heard the exact same song produced by those cheats in the past month. I'd say it's pretty much an open-and-shut case. Make the right decision. Thank you.
	One person claps. Gerald goes back to his table.
Gerald	[To Chef] We've got 'em.
	Chef grins and gives him a thumbs-up. Judge Moses bangs his gavel.
Judge Moses	Mr. Johnnie Cochran, your closing arguments.
Johnnie Cochran	Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago, and they make a good case... hell, I almost felt pity myself. But, ladies and gentlemen, of this supposed jury, I have one, final thing I want you to consider.
	Johnnie Cochran walks to a display stand and pulls down the screen.
Johnnie Cochran	Ladies and gentleman, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about that. That does not make sense.
Gerald	Dammit..!
Chef	What?
Gerald	He’s using the Chewbacca defense.
Johnnie Cochran	Why would a Wookiee, an 8-foot-tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of 2-foot-tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: "What does this have to do with this case?" Nothing.
	Gerald buries his head in his hands, defeated.
Johnnie Cochran	Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me, I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation... does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.
Judge Moses	[After a long pause.] O-kay, then.
	Back at Cartman's house where the boys are watching.
Cartman	Wow, he’s good.
Reporter	In a teary-eyed courtroom, Johnnie Cochran has just finished his closing arguments, and, as anticipated, he did use the Chewbacca defense.
	Courtroom sketches show an angry Chef staring at Gerald, Judge Moses holding his gavel, and Cochran in clown-like attire pointing left.
Reporter	Whether or it worked... is up to the jury to decide.
	Back in the courtroom.
Judge Moses	How find you the jury?
Foreman	We find the defendant, Jerome "Chef" McElroy... guilty as charged.
	The spectators gasp again.
Gerald	Whoops.
Chef	Whoops?!
Judge Moses	Mr. Chef, you have been found guilty of harassing a major company label. The full fee of two million dollars will be handed over within 24 hours.
Chef	Do I look like I have two million?
Judge Moses	Well, you have 24 hours to find it, or else you have to go to jail. For eight million years.
	Chef is shocked. The bailiff whispers into the Judge's ear.
Bailiff	Uh, it's actually for four years.
Judge Moses	Oh, sorry. You'll got to jail for four years.
Chef	This can't be happening..!
	Cartman's house. All four boys are shocked at the verdict.
Stan	Oh, no, dude. Chef's gonna go to jail.
	Chef's residence. Everything is being repossessed. Chef is leafing through a "Memories" photo album. Mr. Big record producer enters.
Mr. Big record producer	And that chair, too. I want that chair.
Chef	Hey, that's my favorite chair!
Mr. Big record producer	You heard the judge. Since you lost the case, I can seize whatever I want to pay my legal fees. Yeah, take that water cooler, too.
Stan	Hello there, Chef.
Chef	Hey, children.
Kyle	What's going on?
Chef	Children, that record company guy is takin' all my belongings. And if I don't come up with two million, I'm going to jail.
Stan	Well, don't worry. We came over to cheer you up.
Kyle	Yeah. Ready, Cartman?
Cartman	Ready.
	Cartman removes his jacket and steps forward, in lederhosen. Oompa music plays.
Cartman	I will do the German dance for you It's fun and gay and tra-la-la I hope my will enjoy my dance Fiddle-e-aye, fiddle-e-aye ay Would you like some sauerkraut, German boy, German boy? Yes, I'd like some sauerkraut--
Chef	Okay, okay, children, thank you very much. I feel much better.
Stan	You do?
Chef	Sure. Just please stop.
Cartman	[Putting his coat back on.] See? I told you guys it would work.
Kyle	What's that, dude?
Chef	This? This is my photo album of all my times in the rock business.
Kyle	Did you ever know any famous people?
Chef	Did I? Janis Joplin, The Beatles, Elton John... I got to travel all around the world, hanging out with bands, going to lavish parties, lovin' many, many women.
	One photograph shows Chef laying shirtless on a bed of hay in a lucrative position, with a goat standing next to him. The caption under it reads, "Germany".
Cartman	What's that?
Chef	Nothing.
	Chef quickly turns the page.
Chef	Anyway--
Mr. Big record producer	Take this, too.
	Mr. Big record producer takes Chef's photo album.
Chef	Hey! That has no monetary value! What the hell are you taking that for?!
Mr. Big record producer	I can take whatever I want.
Chef	But I have 24 hours to come up with your money! That's the law!
Mr. Big record producer	I am above the law!
	Mr. Big record producer's hair falls in his face again. He smears it back up with more Spooge.
Mr. Big record producer	I told you not to mess with me.
Chef	That does it. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna raise that two million, but I'm not going to use it to pay you back. I'm going to use it to hire Johnnie Cochran myself and sue you!
Mr. Big record producer	[Gasps.] You wouldn’t.
Chef	Watch me. Now get the fudge out of my house!
	Mr. Garrison's house. Mr. Twig lies in bed, a portrait of Leonardo DiCaprio on the wall.
Mr. Garrison	I brought you some more juice, Mr. Twig. Are you feeling any better? [Sighs.] I don't know who would want to hurt you like this, but I promise nobody will ever hurt you again, ever. [Senses something wrong.] Mist-Mr. Twig... are you okay? Mist-Mr. Twig..?
	Mr. Garrison pulls the covers back.
Mr. Garrison	Aaaggghhh!!
	Mr. Twig is broken in half!
Mr. Garrison	Who did this?!
	Mr. Garrison shouts outside through the bedroom window.
Mr. Garrison	You won't get away with this, you bastards!
	Chef's house, Chef is on the phone.
Chef	Okay. Thank you, Mr. Cochran. [Hangs up.] Well, Johnnie Cochran will take my case if I can pay his legal fee, $2 million.
Stan	Hey, why don't you ask all those famous people you used to know for money? They're rich.
Chef	Oh, they wouldn't remember me. All I did was cook for them.
Kyle	You can raise $2 million, dude. We'll help you.
	Chef starts searching his closet for a coat.
Chef	I appreciate that, children, but raising $2 million is not an easy thing to do.
	Chef finds the coat he's looking for.
Chef	My only hope is to w**** myself to every woman in town.
	The boys Chef as he goes to the front door.
Chef	Wish me luck, children.
	He leaves, closing the door.
Stan	We've gotta help him, dude.
Kyle	Yeah, b-but how?
Stan	Come on. Maybe those rock stars will remember Chef. Let's go pay them a visit!
	Live-action footage show an American Airlines plane taking off.
	Somewhere in England. The boys, with Cartman carrying a box of candy, are approaching a mansion.
Kyle	Whoa, dude, this house is huge.
Stan	Yeah, it's bigger than Cartman's ass.
Cartman	No, it isn't, you guys.
	They ring the doorbell.
Butler	Can I help you?
Cartman	We're trying to raise money for our friend, Chef.
	Cartman rifles through the box of candy.
Cartman	Would you like a Moon Crunchie or a Snacky Cake?
Kyle	Are you Elton John?
Bulter	No, I’m one of his butlers.
Kyle	Oh. Then what the hell are we talking to you for? Come on, guys.
	They go inside and find him in his closet, dressed in a 1970's concert outfit, with star shaped glasses.
Kyle	Hi, are you Elton John?
Elton John	Sir Elton John. I was knighted, you know.
Kyle	We're trying to raise money for our school chef.
Cartman	We have Chocolate Nuggies and S'more Crunchies...
Elton John	I'm sorry, but I'm not a big candy bar fan.
Cartman	What?!
Stan	Could you just buy a couple anyway? Our friend Chef is really--
Elton John	Chef? You mean Chef-Chef?
Kyle	Yeah, dude.
Stan	Wow, you remember him?
Elton John	Of course. I haven't seen him for so long. I remember when I first met him. It was about 25 years ago.
	Flashback, 1973, "The Small Bar".
Elton John	I was a struggling musician who couldn't get a break.
Elton John	Oh, oh, you're my cheddar cheese girl You're soft but firm, and you go well with wine. Oh oh, cheddar cheese girl Cheddar, cheddar cheese girl
Man	Boo!
	The audience starts throwing food and bottles at him, he goes backstage.
Chef	Hey, Elton, don't feel so down, baby. Have some of my Scottish haggis. It'll cheer you up.
Elton John	Thanks, Chef. I just don't understand what my music is missing.
Chef	Look, Elton, you are a great singer, but a r******* monkey could write better lyrics.
Elton John	I really thought I had it this time with "Cheddar Cheese Girl".
Chef	What you need is a guy to write really good lyrics for you. I know a guy named Bernie Taupin who's working at Moth Burger right now. I'll give him a call.
Elton John	That's a great idea!
Chef	And, Elton, why don't you get yourself some new threads? You know, some slick glasses and shit.
	Back in the present.
Elton John	And so I got Bernie to write my lyrics. And if it wasn't for Chef, I would never have had a career in music.
Stan	So will you buy some of our candy bars to help him out?
Elton John	Yes, of course. I'll buy three Crispy Yum Yums.
Cartman	Three Crispy Yum Yums.
Stan	Hey, Elton, if I give you these lyrics, will you write a song for my girlfriend, Wendy?
Elton John	Sure, kid. But I would retain exclusive worldwide rights, [Rushing.] including-but-not-limited-to-Asian-territories, with-a-twenty-percent-commission-from-all-domestic-sales, and-sole-ownership-of-any-and-all-publishing.
Stan	[Unsure.] 'Kay.
Elton John	Tell Chef I said hi.
Stan	Thanks, dude.
Kyle	Dude, we'll have Chef's $2 million in no time!
	Kyle's house, Chef is in bed with Sheila who is having a post-coitus cigarette.
Sheila	Oy..! Thank you, Chef.
Chef	No problem, Ms. Broflovski. Uhh, now, about that hundred bucks?
Sheila	Oh, of course!
	She reaches into a drawer and hands him the money.
Sheila	Here you go.
	Chef gets up to go.
Sheila	Leaving so soon?
Chef	I have a loooooong way to go to raise the kind of money I need.
	Chef leaves.
Sheila	Well, best of luck to you, then.
	Gerald walks in excited.
Gerald	How was it, honey?
Sheila	Pretty much what I expected.
	The boys stand before another house, and Kyle knocks. The boys now pull a red cart with a large cardboard thermometer demonstrating how much they've raised. The door opens.
Stan	Hello, are you Meat Loaf?
Meat Loaf	Yeah. What the hell do you want?
Cartman	Mr. Loaf, we are selling candy bars for our dying friend.
Kyle	He’s not dying, Cartman!
Cartman	[Whispers.] Shut your goddamn mouth. [To Meat Loaf.] We have Nilla Crunchies, Berry Bars--
Meat Loaf	What's this for?
Stan	Our friend, Chef.
Meat Loaf	Chef's in trouble?
Kyle	Yeah. Do you know him?
Meat Loaf	Do I?
	Flashback, The Pit. "Now Performing: Cous-Cous".
Cous-Cous	Nobody came again.
Chef	There, there, Cous-Cous. It'll be all right. Maybe you just need to change your image.
Cous-Cous	What do you mean?
Chef	Nobody wants to see a guy named Cous-Cous. You need a big, strong beefy name.
Cous-Cous	Beefy? Like, uhh… Tri-tip!
Chef	That's not bad. Here, have some meat loaf.
	Back to present day.
Meat Loaf	I owe everything to Chef.
Stan	Wow! So you'll help him?
Meat Loaf	You bet. Give me a box of Nilla Yum Yums and a couple of Berry Bars.
Boys	Cool!
	Crabtree residence. Chef is in bed with Veronica Crabtree.
Veronica Crabtree	All right, let's get this show on the road! Come here, baby!
Chef	Uh-uh, hold on a second, Veronica Crabtree. How would you like to use some... sex toys?
Veronica Crabtree	Sex toys? Like what?
Chef	Like this very special device.
	Chef brings out a brown paper sack.
Chef	I call it "Chef’s pleasure bag".
Veronica Crabtree	How does it work?
Chef	Now, all you do is put this paper bag over your head, and it increases your sexual pleasure.
Veronica Crabtree	Really? Well, hell, let's give it a shot.
	She drops a bit, and Chef places the bag on her head.
Chef	Ahh, yeah. That's much better.
	Meanwhile, when the boys meet Rick James at his residence.
Rick James	Sure. I'll do anything for Chef. Give me a box of those Choco-Numbers.
Kyle	Gosh, thanks, Rick James.
Stan	Yeah, thanks. [To Kyle as they walk away.] That’s $35. Come on, you guys, we've gotta hurry and give this money to Chef!
	[City Hall. Chef and Mayor McDaniels are in her bed.
Mayor McDaniels	Ohh, that was wonderful, Chef. Good show.
Chef	[Exhausted.] I can't keep doing this. It's killing me.
Mayor McDaniels	Oh, come on, buck up, little fella.
Chef	I'm serious! I'm not gonna make it.
Mayor	Sure you are, Chef. I'll give a hundred more for another romp.
	Chef collapses to the floor.
Mayor McDaniels	Aw, hell!
	Mr. Garrison's house, Officer Barbrady enters.
Mr. Garrison	Thank you for coming, Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady	What's this all about?
Mr. Garrison	These pictures just arrived. [Opens envelope.] I set up a camera, and caught Mr. Twig's assailant red-handed. [Pulls out the pictures.] Now, go arrest him!
	Officer Barbrady looks at them, then at Garrison. Garrison looks at them, then softly.
Mr. Garrison	What?
Officer Barbrady	Can I go now?
Mr. Garrison	Yes—Yes, I’m sorry.
Officer Barbrady	[Leaves.] Weirdo.
Mr. Garrison	[Examining the pictures] It can't be. These can't be right.
	Mr. Garrison walks to the guest closet and opens the door. He looks inside, and gasps loudly.
Mr. Garrison	Mr. Hat!
	Chef's house. With three police cars already there, the boys arrive just in time. Inside, Chef is being cuffed by two police officers.
Stan	Wait! Wait! What are you doing?
Chef	It's over, children. I couldn't raise the $2 million to hire Johnnie Cochran. Now I have to go to jail.
Stan	No, you don't!
Chef	Huh?
Kyle	We went to a bunch of rock stars and sold them candy bars to raise the money you needed.
Chef	Did what?! Wow! How much did you make?
Kyle	Cartman?
	Cartman is standing by the wagon with the cardboard thermometer of their earnings.
Cartman	Well, you can see here that we raised approximately $95, falling well short of our $2 million goal illustrated hyeeah.
Chef	[Dejected.] Oh.
Kyle	But we can put our money together with the money you made whoring yourself to all the women. How much did you make?
Chef	I made about $410,300, but--
Mr. Big record producer	That doesn't matter, because that money belongs to me!
Stan	You can't take Chef's money! It's illeg--!
Mr. Big record producer	I am above the law!
	His hair falls into his face again, which he quickly fixes.
Officer	All right, you, it's time to go.
Chef	Goodbye, children. Thanks for all your help.
Officer	Let's go.
	The officer hits Chef with a baton.
Chef	Ow! What the hell did you do that for?!
Officer	I don't tell you how to do your job, don't tell me how to do mine.
	The officers lead him out, continuing to hit him.
Chef	Ow! Ow!
Kyle	Dude... Chef is gone.
Stan	No more Chef.
Cartman	[Voice breaking.] No more Salisbury steak and... pecan pie. [He starts sobbing.]
Stan	We can't let him down, you guys.
Stan	Dude, it's over. He's gone.
Stan	No! Chef wouldn't give up on us. How many times has Chef gotten us out of trouble?
Cartman	Four.
Kyle	But what are we gonna do?
Stan	It's easy, dude. Chef Aid.
Kyle	Chef Aid?
Stan	Yeah. We set up a stage, and have Cartman do the German Dance. Then we charge people for tickets.
Kyle	Hey, that's a great idea!
Cartman	Yeah!
	Mr. Garrison's house. He paces back and forth in front of Mr. Hat. Mr. Garrison is in his underwear, Mr. Hat is seated in the armchair.
Mr. Garrison	Did you think I would just take you back? Like you can just, walk out and then, come back like nothing happened? Oh, don't look at me like that, Mr. Hat. Remember, you're the one that left.
	Mr. Garrison grabs him.
Mr. Garrison	I'm not going to take you back.
	He takes Mr. Hat to his front door and throws him into the street.
Mr. Garrison	You can just go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
	He walks out into the street.
Mr. Garrison	You are a lying bowl of turd, Mr. Hat!
	Mr. Garrison's neighbors begin to congregate.
Mr. Garrison	...I hope you starve, you lousy son of a b****!
	Mr. Garrison notices the crowd watching him. Officer Barbrady walks up to him.
Mr. Garrison	What are you all looking at? This is just between me and Mr. Hat.
Dr. Doctor	It's over, Mr. Garrison. This is it. We had enough.
Mr. Garrison	What do you mean?
Barbrady	I'm afraid it's the big house for you, fruitcake.
Mr. Garrison	What? Jail?
	The boys have set up a very small stage upon which a banner reads, "Chef Aid". Cartman is back to his song and dance.
Cartman	I will do the German dance for you It's fun and gay and tra-la-la
	A couple approaches the stand, bewildered.
Cartman	I hope my will enjoy my dance,
	The couple leave.
Cartman	Fiddle-e-aye, fiddle-e-aye ay
Kyle	Hmm... This isn't going over so well.
Stan	[To Kyle.] Cartman just needs to put more into it. [To Cartman] Dance better, Cartman!
Cartman	[Faster.] Would you like sauerkraut, German boy, German boy? Yes, I'd like some sauerkraut, Fräulein Setski.
	A white limousine pulls up.
Elton John	Howdy ho, boys.
Stan	Elton John! What are you doing here?
Elton John	It occurred to me that you might need some more help raising money for Chef.
Stan	Boy, do we!
Elton John	So I called a few friends, and we all decided to come over.
	More limos quickly arrive.
Kyle	Wow, cool!
Elton John	I see you've got a stage all set up for us.
Stan	Yeah, dude, it's all yours.
Elton John	Then, let’s rock and roll! Or something similar.
Cartman and Kenny	Hooray!
	South Park Police Dept. Chef and Garrison now share the same cell.
Mr. Garrison	...And Mr. Twig is at home, he has no idea Mr. Hat is even back. I mean, I care a lot about Mr. Twig, but Mr. Hat and I have so much history.
Chef	You finally snapped, huh, Garrison?
Mr. Garrison	What?
Chef	Don't you get it, Garrison? It's all you! You're Mr. Hat and Mr. Twig! You've got split personality schizophrenic jeebies.
Mr. Garrison	[Pause.] I warn you, Chef, don't even think of taking advantage of me in this prison cell.
Chef	What?!
	Chef Aid. The stage is now larger, and has a PA system, drums, floodlights, and spotlights.
Teen MC	Okay, thanks for coming to Chef Aid, everybody! Are you ready to rock 'n' roll?!
	Five people in the audience stand around, motionless.
Teen MC	Whoo!
	No response.
Teen MC	All right, let's get things going with... Rancid! [Moves offstage and squeaks.] Ran-cid!
	Rancid takes the stage.
Rancid	California sun has sunk
	The five people in the audience immediately jump up and down very rapidly.
Rancid	Behind the Anaheim Hills, here it comes tonight
	Lots of people start purchasing tickets.
Rancid	I was hiiiiiigh on junk--
	South Park Police Dept. A short while later.
Mr. Garrison	[Emotionless.] You're still aren't entertaining ideas of raping me in this prison cell, are you, Chef?
Chef	No, Garrison! Shut the hell up!
Mr. Garrison	That's good.
	Something pulls the cell wall apart, and the window falls, leaving a large opening.
Chef	What the?
Mr. Garrison	Oh, boy, we're free!
	Mr. Garrison and Chef walk out to a truck.
Mr. Garrison	Wow, what a daring rescue.
	He opens the driver's door.
Mr. Garrison	Mr. Hat! Mr. Hat saved us, Chef!
	Chef is confused.
Mr. Garrison	Come on, let's get in the truck! I'll drive from here, Mr. Hat.
Chef	How the hell did he reach the gas pedal?
	Chef Aid. Rick James has just ended a song. The group is now a large, cheering crowd.
Rick James	[Vocalizing] Mmmmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mmmm
Teen MC	Rick James, ladies and gentlemen!
Rick James	God bless you, Chef!
Teen MC	And now here's your favorite band, Primus! Whoo!
	Primus is on stage in large duck outfits.
Les Claypool	We're damned proud to be here to support our good buddy, Chef. It was Chef who told us in the early days, to keep trying and to keep pursuing our dreams, no matter how much we sucked. I love that man.
	Primus begins to play. Someone holds up a poster saying, "We Love Chef". Mr. Mackey is being crowd surfing atop the crowd.
Mr. Mackey	Whooaa..!
	Mr. Big record producer walks up to the boys.
Mr. Big record producer	What are you bastards doing?
Kyle	We are raising money so that Chef can hire Johnnie Cochran to sue you!
Cartman	Yeah! Now get out of here before I kick you in the nuts!
Mr. Big record producer	Oh, yeah? We’ll just see about this!
Teen MC	And now, here’s Joe Strummer! Whoo!
Joe Strummer	You know, when The Clash were on tour and we lost the beat, Chef would be like at the side of the stage going, "Don't forget, pump your loins, children." You know, that was like his motto or something.
Teen MC	Whoo!
Joe Strummer	Well, it's a rockin' world Make no mistake about it
	Mr. Garrison and Chef pull up.
Joe Strummer	It's a shocking world
	Chef exits, surprised.
Joe Strummer	Could be what's so great about it It's a rockin' world...
Chef	What the hell is this?
	The music stops, and the crowd turns to face him.
Everyone	Welcome to Chef Aid, Chef!
Stan	Wow! How'd you get out of jail, Chef?
Chef	Mr. Hat busted me out. Children, did you do this?
Kyle	Well, we helped.
Stan	We’re gonna raise your money, Chef.
Chef	I don’t believe it!
	Mr. Big record producer crawls under the stage with a saw.
Mr. Big record producer	We’ll just see how long this Chef Aid thing lasts.
	He starts sawing at one of the stage supports, laughing cruelly.
Teen MC	And now, here he is TV's Ozzy Osbourne!
Ozzy Osbourne	We're all here to help our good friend, Chef, who has touched our lives in the past.
	Johnnie Cochran is now in the crowd listening.
Ozzy Osbourne	I remember when I was just starting out, Chef suggested I buy a pompadour hat. I thought he said, "Bite the head off a bat", so I did. And the rest, oh, it's just history. Now, let's go crazyyy!
	Music starts and crowd roars.
Ozzy Osbourne	Ain't nowhere to run!
	Mr. Big record producer is still sawing.
Ozzy Osbourne	Ain't nowhere to hide!
	Ozzy picks up Kenny and bites into his head.
Ozzy Osbourne	Aarrggghhh!!!
Kenny	(All right dude, let me go now!)
	Ozzy looks up with a bloody mouth, and Kenny's head is missing. The music dies down.
Stan	Oh, my God! Ozzy Osbourne bit Kenny’s head off!
Kyle	You bastard!
Teen MC	And now here’s Ween!
	The crowd cheers. The band members, Dean and Gene are wearing "I'm in Ween" tees.
Dean Ween	We're thrilled to be part of Chef Aid.
Gene Ween	Chef was the guy who told us to do a country album.
Dean Ween	No, dude, that was Steve's idea.
Gene Ween	Oh. Then who's Chef?
Dean Ween	I don't know, dude. I thought you knew him.
Gene Ween	Oh, well. Anyways, here's our song!
Ween	Many colors in the homo rainbow Don't be afraid to let your colors shine ^{shiiiiiiiiiiine}
	Out in the crowd, Mr. Garrison has both Mr. Hat, and Mr. Twig.
Mr. Garrison	Don't worry, Mr. Twig. Even though Mr. Hat rescued me from prison, I'm still going to stick with you.
Mr. Twig	[In a French accent.] Did you love him?
Mr. Garrison	It doesn't matter. He left me.
Mr. Twig	Did you love him?
Mr. Garrison	Yes.
Mr. Twig	Then run to him.
Mr. Garrison	But I feel like I'm making the wrong decision.
Mr. Twig	Love isn't a decision, it’s a feeling. If we could decide who we love, it would be much simpler, but much less magical.
Mr. Garrison	I'll never forget you, Mr. Twig. Thank you.
	Mr. Garrison tosses Mr. Twig away, and pulls out Mr. Hat, and smiles.
Teen MC	And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John! Whoo!
	The crowd cheers.
Elton John	Thank you all for coming to help Chef. This is a song written by a very special little boy. I have no idea what his name is, but who the hell cares? Anyway, he wrote it for his girlfriend.
	He starts playing as the crowd cheers.
Elton John	Wake up, Wendy!
	Wendy smiles and looks over at Stan, who smiles back.
Elton John	Smell the coffee...
Kyle	Hey, that's your song for Wendy!
Cartman	Ha-ha, you're a wuss.
	Stan punches Cartman. Mr. Big record producer is still sawing, finally getting through and the stage tilts slightly, with Elton John still playing. The lights short out and the audience is stunned.
Producer	Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I win! You lose! Chef Aid is over, and you didn't raise near enough money to pay Cochran's legal fees. Ha-ha-ha-ha, I win!
Narrator	And what happened then? Well, in South Park they say...
	A little x-ray panel comes up and shows Cochran's heart.
Narrator	Johnnie Cochran's heart grew three sizes that day.
	His heart grows in size and bursts through the panel, which then disappears.
Johnnie Cochran	Wait! [Walks to Chef.] Mr. Chef, this music has really touched me. I like to take up your case, free of charge!
Chef	You will?
Johnnie Cochran	I will.
	Everyone cheers.
Producer	No!
Johnnie Cochran	We'll see you in court, Mr. Record Producer.
Producer	[Dropping to his knees.] Noooooooo!
	Courthouse. Cochran now represents Chef, and the record producer has a new lawyer. The boys are now among the spectators.
Johnnie Cochran	Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, you must now decide whether or not to reverse the decision for my client, Chef. I know he seems guilty, but ladies and gentlemen, this...
	He pulls down his display.
Johnnie Cochran	...is Chewbacca. Now think about that for one minute. That does not make sense. Why am I talkin' about Chewbacca when a man's life is on the line? Why? I tell you why. I don't know. It doesn't make sense. If Chewbacca does not make sense, you must acquit!
	Johnnie Cochran now holds up a monkey.
Johnnie Cochran	Here, look at the monkey. Look at the silly monkey.
	A juror chokes a bit, then his head explodes.
	Outside. The courthouse entrance opens, and Chef emerges with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman behind him. Reporters gather around him.
Reporter	Chef, how does it feel to be a free man and finally have your name credited on the song, "Stinky Britches"?
Chef	It feels great! I just can't find the words to thank all the artists who put on Chef Aid. And most of all, I want to thank the children.
Reporter	So, what are you gonna do now?
Chef	Get back to what's important. It's Tuesday. And means tomorrow is tuna casserole day.
Stan Kyle and Cartman	Hooray!
	End of Chef Aid. Chef's version of "Stinky Britches" plays through closing credits.
Fin de Chef Aid