Cartman's Life Lessons sont une série de courtes introductions qui précèdent les épisodes trouvés dans le DVD South Park: The Cult of Cartman.
Chaque intro commence par un écran blanc, avec un "Leçon #" dans un texte élégant apparaissant en haut. Eric Cartman entre par la droite de l'écran et explique chacune de ses leçons. Ils donnent un indice sur la façon dont l'intrigue de leurs épisodes respectifs se déroulerait.
Dans certaines introductions, Cartman mentionnera que "nous mourrons tous en 2012", faisant référence au 2012 Doomsday prophecy.
Script
| Cartman's Life Lessons | |
| Lesson One: "Retaliate a thousand fold." ("Scott Tenorman doit mourrir") | |
| Lesson One. When somebody does you wrong, you must be prepared to retaliate a thousand fold. And, pubic hair isn't something you buy, you actually grow it on your body when you get older. | |
| Lesson Two: "Never take a joke too far." ("Génial-O") | |
| Lesson Two. Never take a joke too far, no matter how funny it is. Hitler learnt this lesson the hard way. | |
| Lesson Three: "Know what awaits you in heaven." ("La Mort d'Eric Cartman"} | |
| Lesson Three. What awaits us all in heaven is eternal bliss. You'll find rest, and, $10,000 in cash. And remember, we all die in 2012. | |
| Lesson Four: "Use racial tolerance to get what you want." ("Cartoon Wars Part I") | |
| Lesson Four. If you really hate something, use racial tolerance as an excuse to destroy it. Liberals are masters of this. | |
| Lesson Five: "Family Guy sucks balls." ("Cartoon Wars Part II") | |
| Lesson Five. Family Guy sucks my balls. Here endeth the lesson. | |
| Lesson Six: "Never swear on television." ("Le Petit Tourette") | |
| Lesson Six. You should never swear on television. Especially if when you were younger, your cousin and yourself were curious and touched wieners. | |
| Lesson Seven: "Stay HIV positive." ("Amygdales") | |
| Lesson Seven. Even in your darkest moments, try to stay HIV positive. There's nothing an HIV positive mind can't overcome. | |
| Lesson Eight: "Never give up on cheating." ("Ciel, une quéquette") | |
| Lesson Eight. Cheating is the way to get ahead. But if you get caught, you can't stop cheating, or else you will lose the Superbowl. Right, Bill? | |
| Lesson Nine: "People will always find a way to ruin your good time." ("Cartmanland") | |
| Lesson Nine. No matter how great you tried to make your life, people will find a way to fuck it up for you. And remember, we all die in 2012. | |
| Lesson Ten: "Do not pretend to be handicapped." ("Les stéroïdes, ça déchire") | |
| Lesson Ten. Do not pretend to be handicapped. Because it isn't fair to people who really are handicapped. Like Kanye West. | |
| Lesson Eleven: "Have a super fun time all the time." ("Un épisode chez les cow-boys") | |
| Lesson Eleven. No matter who it hurts, do whatever you can to have a super fun time all the time. Because we all die in 2012. | |
| Lesson Twelve: "Kids with red hair and freckles have no souls." ("Les rouquins") | |
| The final and most important lesson. Do not trust the Jews. [pauses] Oh, and kids with red hair and freckles have no souls. And we all die in 2012. | |
| Fin de Cartman's Life Lessons | |