Hi folks, this is my first attempt at writing an episode of sp. let me know what you think. i enjoy constructive and destructive criticism. i'm not very creative when it comes to dialogue so i've mostly left that part out, so just use your imagination, and maybe suggest some lines in the comments. any other ideas and suggestions are fully welcome as well.
...and no, i don't like capitalization. fuck you.
summary: the human kite gets stuck in a tree while ike goes through intense training to become a badass, and city wok changes up its menu. this episode explores the issue of misinformation online and how different generations interact with it.
some references you may need some basic familiarity with:
attack on titan "odm gear" is the equipment used to fight titans in aot, it includes cable launchers that basically work like grappling hooks or spiderman web, a gas booster which practically gives the wearer actual flight abilities and makes them go faster, and swords with detachable blades.
how-to and lifehack channels such as "troom troom", "so yummy", and "5 minute crafts" are some of the biggest clickbait channels on social media, and their content isn't made with any intention of being replicated. howtobasic is an experience i wouldn't want to spoil for anyone, but let's just say it involves eggs and shovels.
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Human Kite: The Solo Adventure
act 1:
ike is in the kitchen doing an arts and crafts project that involves him stabbing a big knife into something. kyle walks in and pulls the knife away from him, ordering him to be more careful and conveying that mom and dad are away and ike is kyle's responsibility for the whole day. ike says he knows what he's doing because he's watched how to videos. kyle then angrily berates him on the dangers of misinformation on the internet, and emphasizes that little kids like him can get fooled by deceptive content really easily. ike asks why he should listen to him when he doesn't even watch tutorials and lifehack videos. kyle says that's just how it works; older people know better than younger people.
kyle tries to change topic by asking what ike is making. ike puts the mask he's crafted up to his face and announces "bumble bee boy!". kyle tells ike no, he can't play superheroes, that game is for older kids only, and ike would just end up getting hurt anyway. ike says he wants to be the human kite's sidekick, but kyle says sidekicks are totally lame. out of frustration, ike says he's tired of this stupid shit and goes upstairs.
ike quietly packs up his stuff and sneaks out of the house. after a short journey he finds himself in peril when he runs into a serial baby rapist that's escaped from the asylum (or something, idk). but then out of nowhere, kindergarteners in odm gear (from attack on titan) fly from the trees and beat up the assailant, saving ike's life. they reveal that they are all runaways, and they allow ike to join them. they ask ike for his name and h responds "i'm a bumble bee boy, yay!".
kyle realizes that ike is missing and after some panicked searching, he calls up *insert kyle's current friend group here*. at first, they aren't eager to help, but then one of them (i'm imagining clyde) asks what the game is. kyle says this isn't a game, but clyde clarifies to ask if they should dress as elves or superheroes. after a bit of back and forth, kyle begrudgingly agrees to play superheroes as that's the only way to get them to help.
freedom pals meets at kyle's house (no toolshed since he's way out on the farm). the coon shows up peeved that he wasn't invited. human kite explains that he wasn't invited because every time they play superheroes, the coon ends up betraying them. the coon storms off warning that they will all regret this. freedom pals quickly makes a search plan and they set out.
ike is taken to the runaways' hideout in the tower of peace. there the runaways tell their stories of how they got there, and what they have to do in order to survive. -slide show plays of them dumpster diving, crafting things from garbage, and pickpocketing using their odm gear-. they state that an older kid took them in and helped mentor and train them. the head runaway, a 5th or 6th grader (maybe in a bird mask since this setup is already basically ripped straight from "the theif lord") introduces himself and gives ike a brief tour, then mentions that the reason they chose this spot is primarily the access to free wifi because some stupid boomer set the password as '12345'. "god i hate boomers" he adds.
cut to city wok where mr. lu kim is attempting to expand his menu by scrolling through recipe videos. he complains to himself about how everyone wants pretty food they can post on instagram now, nobody wants ugly chinese food anymore. he clicks on a clickbaity "so yummy" video and a clip plays with very bizarre simple instructions set to generic pop music. he follows the instructions exactly, but this just ends up creating a culinary monstrosity.
human kite and mysterion go to some open area with a very tall tree. human kite suggests that if one of them could climb to the top, they'd be able to see for miles. mysterion refuses to do it since he would just end up falling to his death, so human kite agrees to do it. he climbs through the branches and eventually reaches the top where he scans the horizon. but then a breeze catches his kite and causes him to fall through the branches. he finally stops by having the kite string get snagged in a branch and leaving him dangling from it like a pinata. his phone falls to a lower branch.
mysterion sees this and says he's going to go find help. but then a pack of wolves comes out of nowhere and kills mysterion in an especially violent and gory fashion. the human kite watches in horror.
act 2:
a tutorial video plays on how to use odm gear, and ike watches it. the runaway kids explain that all the skills they've learned about how to survive on their own came from how-to and life hack videos, including how to make their own odm gear. one of them proceeds to demonstrate making it using straws, toilet paper rolls, and hot glue. the head runaway kid explains that their training is both physical and mental, and that ike must sharpen his perception so that he can learn how to spot the good how-to videos in the sea of bs ones.
mr. lu kim is still trying new recipes, this time he's found a "howtobasic" video. he says it must be legit because of all the views it has, and he begins emulating it as it plays, pausing at each step. he comments that this is just like how he makes city- *insert gross chinese menu item*. fastpass walks in looking for ike but mr. lu kim ignores the inquiry as he finishes hitting the floor with a shovel. he offers fastpass a cheese burger, only $3, and he holds up some of the slop for fastpass to see. fastpass declines the offer and leaves. mr. lu kim complains again about how hard it is for a chinese man to make photogenic american food.
human kite shouts for help and unsuccessfully struggles to pull himself up when his phone rings but he can't reach it. tupperware and mosquito are at filmore's house and wonder why human kite isn't picking up, they leave a message saying that filmore said that ike is still uploading on tiktok and is just playing attack on titan with some other kids. -cut to the human kite nearly falling out of the shirt his kite is attached to-
since human kite wasn't answering, tupperware and mosquito call super craig, who tells them that he and wonder tweek ran into kevin who was showing off the real diy lightsaber he had built using instructions from the internet. fastpass joins the call and says he sees ike playing aot right now next to city wok -ike is shown behind fastpass doing some kind of odm training-, fastpass said he tried to call human kite but got no response. super craig reiterates that kevin has an actual lightsaber. after a brief pause they all conclude that this whole 'missing ike' thing was really more the human kite's solo movie, and he should be able to handle it on his own. everyone then decides to play spacemen/star wars instead.
human kite shoes off some birds and ants that have started pestering him. he is finally able to reach his phone on the lower branch by using a stick, he dials 911 and tells the operator the bare basics of his situation, but just then his mom calls and he has to hang up to answer it. sheila asks how ike is doing, and the human kite has to bs his way through the conversation, all the while being accosted by an increasing number of bugs, birds, and a random snake just for good measure. as he goes to hang up the phone, he accidentally pushes it off the branch.
-intense animation of ike using odm gear- ike takes out several mannequins/scarecrows in epic fashion. the head runaway says that he is ready for his first mission. cut to mr. mackey walking along main st. on his phone. the runaways egg on ike to take his phone, but ike looks concerned and hesitates, then he grabs diy slime from his pocket decides to stick it down mr. mackey's pants instead. "ahh! who put a dookie in my pants!?". the other runaways trip him and then take his phone, keys, and wallet.
"what the fuck was that!?" the head runaway asks angrily. ike tries to defend his tactics with incoherent babble, but then the runaway clarifies that it's not the tactics that he's asking about but rather it's the poor quality of ike's slime. he says it looks like he just copied the first "5 minute crafts" video he saw without comparing it to what other how-to videos were saying. he goes on to stress the importance of critical thinking, and watching debunking videos in addition to how-to videos, and how not doing so makes you no better than a fucking boomer. he then reveals that he lost his whole family to ivermectin. he takes a long drag of his vape before adding that they became so rich selling the stuff to stupid boomers that they moved to *insert fancy location*, and sent him off to a fancy colorado boarding school. he ends by telling ike to finish his training by watching more videos.
act 3:
the police and fire departments arrive at human kite's tree. human kite, now covered in bug bites, shouts down to them for help, but after a look through the binoculars, sgt. yates concludes that it's not a kid stuck in the tree, rather it's a sentient talking kite. the firemen say they could rescue kids and cats from trees, but talking kites were another matter completely, and they have to watch a how-to video first. human kite is pissed.
ike is being forced to watch "troom troom" videos in the tower of peace when suddenly the tower shakes from an explosion next door. ike and the runaways go into city wok to investigate, there they find mr. lu kim battling a muck demon in the half burnt down kitchen. the runaways quickly slay it for him and he thanks them. then he explains he was just doing what the how-to video told him. the head runaway then launches into a tirade about how gullible boomers are, and how there wouldn't be a misinformation problem on the internet if boomers like him weren't there constantly buying into everything they see. -ike plays with the slime like gunk from the muck demon in the background- mr. lu kim says maybe he's right and decides to unplug his router, but then get stopped by the runaways who realize that's where their wifi comes from. the head runaway then has to convince mr. lu kim to stay on the internet and after some back and forth, he offers to help mr. lu kim find the right video recipe for him.
after poking the human kite with a long pole for a bit, one of the firefighters shows everyone a video of someone using a ladder to rescue a kite. just as they're about to try it, yates interjects and says you can't trust everything you see online, and besides that video didn't even have good editing or people in lab coats so it can't be trusted. he goes on to say they need to know what this alien kite creature is capable of before they bring it down.
mr. lu kim points to something on the computer screen and tells the head runaway to click on that. the runaway says that's not even a how-to video, it's just an ad, but lu kim says that's what he wants to make, and the head runaway tells him that images like that are always too good to be true, and goes over the tricks of making food look shiny by coating it in vaseline, and using elmer's glue to make the cheese more stretchy, etc. mr. lu kim jots this down on his notepad and asks for more tips. the head runaway agrees to find video on the topic.
ike notices a news report on the tv and walks over to it. it shows sgt. yates being interviewed, he says it's important not to jump to any conclusions but- he then proceeds to lay out an elaborate conspiracy theory about kite people aliens that control the government and want to kill us all. then it shows a zoom in on human kite distantly shouting that he's just a boy in a costume that needs to find his missing brother.
it begins to rain as human kite cries watching an alien containment chamber is being set up below. but hope is restored when a police drone is sent up to communicate with him. sgt. yates' accusatory voice comes out from a speaker, and human kite again tries explaining that he's not a kite or an alien, and that all these emergency resources would be way more helpful going towards finding ike who he believes could be in serious danger. but just then a bola randomly flies in from above and tangles up the drone's propeller, causing it to plummet to the ground. yates believes the human kite must have taken it out with telekinesis.
human kite turns around to find something he didn't expect; "cartman!?". lightning flashes to reveal the coon, standing at the base of the branch that the human kite is stuck to, and he replies sarcastically about what a surprise it is to have stumbled upon the human kite here. human kite asks what he's doing here, and the coon replies that trees are the natural home of coons. human kite tells him that this is a serious and deadly situation and he doesn't have patience for this crap, then he instructs the coon to go back down and tell the cops he's just a kid in a kite costume. the coon sarcastically begins to agree to that but then interrupts himself to remind him that that morning, human kite claimed to not need the coon's help. human kite reiterates that he always betrays them, and if he doesn't help now, he'd be betraying them again! "but how can i betray you if i'm not even playing!" the coon retorts as the rain and thunder increases. human kite gives in and offers the coon renewed membership in freedom pals, but the coon points out that the freedom pals are the real traders, after all the coon is the only hero even offering to help right now. human kite tries to refute this but then sees kevin and freedom pals show up to the scene below all in sifi costumes.
one of the spacemen points up and asks the others what kyle is doing up in that tree. meanwhile a cop points out to yates that the kite appears to be communicating with some kind of giant rat or maybe a possum.
the coon proposes that human kite denounce freedom pals and rejoin coon and friends, and human kite begins to argue again, but then lightning strikes the tree and lights the trunk on fire. the coon then begins to step forward on the branch and human kite tells him to stop because he's too heavy and the branch will break killing them both. the coon keeps moving down the branch saying that there's nothing to worry about because he's brought along a *insert pop culture reference that doesn't make any sense here* -action funtime parachute, and once he hoists human kite up, they'll be able to glide down to safety together. "but wait" the coon adds "you don't want my help, so i guess i'll be parachuting down on my own" he now stands directly above human kite. human kite goes back to capitulating and offering the coon anything he wants, and the coon begins to make additional demands, now probing the kite string menacingly with his sharp claws, but then he's interrupted by a loud cracking sound.
the branch suddenly breaks and both of them fall to a lower branch. the coon desperately clings to the lower branch while human kite hangs onto the coon's pant leg while the kite string has wrapped around the human kite's leg, and the branch they were on now dangles below them and a fire is creeping up it. the coon tells human kite to let go, but he refuses. then the coon starts kicking off his pants and says his goodbyes to human kite whose final words are "god dammit cartman!" as he falls.
-intense odm ike animation-
ike, now wearing a bumble bee mask and a sleek black and yellow outfit, grabs human kite and cuts the kite string in one swift motion and throws grenades down that explode with gunk from city wok and put out the fire as he swings away and sticks the landing over by the crowd of spacemen. "cool" one of them comments with no enthusiasm. yates along with guys in hazmat suits come to take human kite away but are suddenly scared by all the 'aliens' he's with, especially kevin when he turns on a flashlight glued to a green tinted plastic tube.
the coon swears his revenge, jumps away, and activates his parachute which carries him about 30 feet into the neighboring tree where he gets stuck.
the runaways walk up to ike and the head runaway tells him his training is now complete making him an official member of their society. but then all the kindergarteners' parents show up and ask them how their day was, and tell them nonchalantly that it's time to go home. then they thank the babysitter (the head runaway) and hand him $100. kyle thanks ike for saving him, and apologizes for what he said to him earlier, then says that he makes an awesome super hero. but craig interjects to say that attack on titan isn't a super hero show so none of the odm stuff counts. kyle recognizes his point and says if ike wants to play super heroes he needs to have some different abilities because there's no genre mixing allowed. someone asks if they want to go eat at city wok because they have really good looking food now according to the new photos on instagram. they all agree and leave, then the credits play over a lingering distant shot of the coon getting pissed off in a tree.
-THE END-
