Up the Down Steroid/Script

Cast

 * Stan
 * Kyle
 * Cartman
 * Jimmy
 * Timmy
 * Mr. Mackey
 * Jimmy's parents, the Valmors
 * Special Olympics host, coaches, and volunteers
 * Nathan
 * Nancy
 * Francis
 * Liane Cartman
 * Michael and his parents
 * Other Special Olympians
 * Barry Bonds and Mark McGuire

Scripts
[a knock is heard at his door] Enter! ''[the door opens and Kyle enters, stand there for a while, closes the door, then walks up to Cartman. A few moments of uneasy silence follows]''
 * Kyle:
 * Cartman, I really, really have a problem with what you're doing. I object to it morally, and I find it grossly offensive. [they look at each other and Cartman closes a book he had open for reference]
 * Cartman:
 * Go on, Kyle.
 * Kyle:
 * I know that I often have serious moral objections to the things that you do, but... this time I think you really need to reconsider, because if you do this, I believe you will go to hell. So I feel it is my responsibility, as your friend, to tell people what you're doing, and to put a stop to it!
 * Cartman:
 * Well, Kyle, I understand where you're coming from, and I appreciate you being so direct. Um, the thing is, you really have kind a warped view on morality because you're Jewish. Now, Kyle, you haven't gone to see Mel Gibson's film, The Passion but-
 * Kyle:
 * I didn't come here to talk about The Passion, Cartman!
 * Cartman:
 * Let me finish. If you had seen The Passion you would know that Hell is reserved for the Jews, and all those who don't accept Christ. That being the case, it is actually me who is worried about your soul.
 * Kyle:
 * I came here to talk about you!
 * Cartman:
 * Yes. [hops off his seat and consoles Kyle] And instead you had to break through yourself. This is really the beginning of a whole new chapter of your life, Kyle. [whispers] Good luck. [after a few seconds, Kyle turns around and leaves. He opens the door, turns around and gives Cartman the finger, and walks out. Cartman just hums a tune, goes back to the computer and reads some more.]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Jimmy's house. He's working out on a bench press in his room. A mirror sits next to him]
 * Jimmy:
 * Come on, push it! Push it! [he pushes the weights onto the bar rest and sits up. He checks his musculature out in the mirror] Yeah. Nice p-pecs. Sweet b-biceps. [the door opens and Nancy enters]
 * Nancy:
 * Jimmy, I thought we were meeting at the doughnut shop.
 * Jimmy:
 * The Games are in two days, Nancy. I can't be w-wasting my time.
 * Nancy:
 * I guess I didn't realize I was a waste of time.
 * Jimmy:
 * Oh Jeez! [lays back down and takes up the weights] Are you gonna start running your mouth off again? [begins new reps] P-push it! Push it!!
 * Nancy:
 * Jimmy, everyone's worried about you. You seem... different.
 * Jimmy:
 * Theh-they're all just ..jealous.
 * Nancy:
 * You're not the boy I fell in love with last week during Free Period. I'm leaving you.
 * Jimmy:
 * [quickly rests the weights and sits up] You're not leaving me! You try to leave me and I'll kill you, bitch!
 * Nancy:
 * You can't treat people like this!
 * Jimmy:
 * [gets up and walks over to Nancy, then begins beating her with his crutches. She wails] I said, shut your mouth, bitch! Why did you make me do it, huh?! [he grabs her by the throat and throws her head against the floor a few times, then whacks her on the side of the head a few times.] You're not leavin' anybody!! You just keep your G-Goddamned mouth shut and do what you're t-t-t-uh-tol-told! [resumes beating her. His mom opens the door to see what's the matter]
 * Mom:
 * What the? [tries to stop the beating] Jimmy, oh my God!
 * Jimmy:
 * [throws his mother off and heads for the door] Stay away from me, you stupid bbbbitches! [walks down the hall, hits the walk with his right crutch, and breaks down.] No! God! [collapses on his back and bawls]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Saturday morning at the Special Olympics stadium]
 * Host:
 * Welcome, everyone, to the 2004 Special Olympics! [the crowd cheers. The boys are there, as promised] We will be holding various throughout the day, and at the end of it all we will have some very special celebrity athletes here to present the trophy for top athlete, along with the cash prize of one thousand dollars.
 * Jimmy:
 * [flexes his right bicep] Top athlete, yeah!
 * Cartman:
 * One thousand dollars, yeah!
 * Host:
 * So let's have all our athletes report to their first assigned events and... Let the Games begin! [The crowd cheers wildly]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[First event, Track and Field, 100-meter dash]
 * Announcer:
 * Will those athletes in heat 1 of the hundred-meter dash please report to Track Aread B.
 * Volunteer 2:
 * Okay, racers, are we ready? [raises her firing pistol] Take your marks.
 * Cartman:
 * [hobbles into the fifth position on the track] Daaaa! Daaaa!
 * Volunteer 2:
 * On your marks! Get set! Go! [the runners take off. Cartman quickly falls behind]
 * Cartman:
 * Whoa. What the hell?? [the girl in position 6 breaks the tape. Cartman hobbles past the finish line six seconds later]
 * Volunteer 2:
 * Great job, everyone. [points to the runners who were in positions 6, 2, and 4] You three advance to the next heat. [the group leaves]
 * Winner:
 * All right!
 * Blond Boy:
 * Good Job.
 * Blonde Girl:
 * We did it!
 * Cartman:
 * Well, guess I'll, guess I'll just have to kick ass in the other events.
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|["Put It To The Limit" begins to play again. Cartman is in a swimming competition now, but again,he's struggling in last place. Jimmy lifts a bar laden with weights successfully in the clean-and-jerk competition, then throws the bar down]
 * Jimmy:
 * Yeeessss! [walks back and forth happily] Yes! Yes!
 * Announcer:
 * He's got it! That's a new Special Olympics record, folks! [Timmy is understandably unimpressed and pissed off]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Back to Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Cartman is again last]
 * Cartman:
 * [trips over a hurdle] God-damnit!!
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Back to Swimming events. Jimmy takes his heat easily]
 * Announcer:
 * Winner, Jimmy Valmor! [Jimmy flexes his left arm and scrambles out of the water. Jimmy is more pissed off]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Track and Field events, pole-vault. a Special Olympian runs up to the posts, plants his pole in the square mark, and clears the bar successfully. Cartman steps up to the straight track with his pole]
 * Cartman:
 * All right, this one I can win! [drops his pole, takes off his helmet and gives it to another athlete] Here, hold this! [takes up his pole and aims] I'll show you Goddamned retards! [runs up to the posts, plants his pole, and sails up, but the pole won't straighten out. It flexes a few time before it breaks, sending Cartman back down to the track, where he lands on his back]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Jimmy increases his lead over the competition]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Track and Field events, javelin throw. An athlete runs up to the edge and throws his javelin. His tongue hangs out. Jimmy rolls up and throws his javelin. Cartman runs up and throws his, but it lands just far enough for him to still touch the tail end of it]
 * Cartman:
 * God-damnit!!
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Track and Field events, triple jump. Jimmy jumps and lands at 18.5 feet, skids a foot more, then stops and waits for the score]
 * Announcer:
 * That's another Special Olympics record!
 * Jimmy:
 * [raises his arms and crutches up in victory] Yeah! Yeah! [turns around] Yeah, I did it! [turns around] Yeah! Yeah!
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Early evening at the Special Olympics stadium. The sun has set and some of the crowd is back on the field]
 * Host:
 * Ladies and Gentlemen, our day of competition has come to an end, and we have an ultimate grand special champion for 2004! Here to present the award are baseball legends Mark McGuire, Jason Giambi, and Barry Bonds. [the three players come out and walk to the podium. All of them are buff]
 * Bonds:
 * The two thousand and four special athlete is... Jimmy Valmor.
 * Jimmy:
 * [raises up his left arm and crutch] Yeah! Fuck yeah! [Timmy sits nearby with his arms crossed, glaring at Jimmy. Jimmy walks up to the podium] Yeah, I did it! I'm the bbub-best! [Bonds hands Jimmy the medal. The host returns to the podium]
 * Host:
 * Congratulations, Jimmy. But we all know that the Special Olympics isn't just about winning. And so, we will now give out the Spirit Award, to the handicapped person who came in very last. Eric Cartman!
 * Cartman:
 * Ah, screw you hippie!
 * Host:
 * For winning the Spirit Award, Eric will receive this gift certificate to Shakey's for fifty dollars! Come on up, Eric!
 * Cartman:
 * ...I could pile at Shakey's, heck. [puts on his helmet and walks up] Uh, Drrrr! Drrrr!
 * Jimmy:
 * [confronts Cartman] Hey! Just what the hell do you think you're doing, Eric?!
 * Cartman:
 * [humbly] Uhh, hehe. Uh de-duhhhh.
 * Jimmy:
 * You ffffaked being handicapped to win?! [grabs Cartman by the collar] I should k-kick your ass right here, you lousy no-good ch-ch-ch...cheater!
 * Timmy:
 * [approaches] Timmih!
 * Jimmy:
 * What?
 * Timmy:
 * [points to Timmy] Timmih!
 * Jimmy:
 * [thinks a moment] Oh my God. You, you're right, Timmy. You're totally right. [walks up to the mic and begins talking] Everyone, can I have your attention, please? [everyone falls silent] I'm afraid I have to give back my medal. The truth is, I haven't been playing fair either. I've been using st-steroids. I was willing to do anything to be the best, and the steroids made me blind to the people I was hurting. [a shot of Nancy, injured and taped around the head. She smiles] A good friend even tried to talk me out of it, and I wouldn't listen to him. [a shot of Timmy, who smiles and shows off his silver medal. Others around him wear bronzes.] Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics. [a shot of a chastened Cartman before the baseball players] Because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But I know now that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner. You're just a p-pussy. You're just a [shot of Mark McGuire] big fat p-p...p...pussy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say, [shot of Barry Bonds] "Remove me from the record books, because I am a big, stinky p-pussy-" [shot of Jason Giambi] "-steroid-taking jackass." [Giambi nods ever so subtly] That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you'll let me, I'll be back next year. To compete with honor. [applause rises from the stands, followed by cheers. The volunteers and baseball players gather around Jimmy]
 * McGuire:
 * Hey kid. Good for you for being honest.
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[The stands. Cartman walks up to his friends]
 * Cartman:
 * Well guys, I guess now you see what I was up to all along. I dressed up like a handicapped person and lost the Special Olympics on purpose, so that Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids. [he looks at Kyle and then Stan for a reaction, but neither offers any. He frowns, then steps forward angrily] Eh, oh yeah?! Well, well you guys are assholes! [straightens up] Grow up! [walks off in a huff]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[End of Up The Down Steroid.]
 * }
 * Announcer:
 * Winner, Jimmy Valmor! [Jimmy flexes his left arm and scrambles out of the water. Jimmy is more pissed off]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Track and Field events, pole-vault. a Special Olympian runs up to the posts, plants his pole in the square mark, and clears the bar successfully. Cartman steps up to the straight track with his pole]
 * Cartman:
 * All right, this one I can win! [drops his pole, takes off his helmet and gives it to another athlete] Here, hold this! [takes up his pole and aims] I'll show you Goddamned retards! [runs up to the posts, plants his pole, and sails up, but the pole won't straighten out. It flexes a few time before it breaks, sending Cartman back down to the track, where he lands on his back]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Jimmy increases his lead over the competition]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Track and Field events, javelin throw. An athlete runs up to the edge and throws his javelin. His tongue hangs out. Jimmy rolls up and throws his javelin. Cartman runs up and throws his, but it lands just far enough for him to still touch the tail end of it]
 * Cartman:
 * God-damnit!!
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Track and Field events, triple jump. Jimmy jumps and lands at 18.5 feet, skids a foot more, then stops and waits for the score]
 * Announcer:
 * That's another Special Olympics record!
 * Jimmy:
 * [raises his arms and crutches up in victory] Yeah! Yeah! [turns around] Yeah, I did it! [turns around] Yeah! Yeah!
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Early evening at the Special Olympics stadium. The sun has set and some of the crowd is back on the field]
 * Host:
 * Ladies and Gentlemen, our day of competition has come to an end, and we have an ultimate grand special champion for 2004! Here to present the award are baseball legends Mark McGuire, Jason Giambi, and Barry Bonds. [the three players come out and walk to the podium. All of them are buff]
 * Bonds:
 * The two thousand and four special athlete is... Jimmy Valmor.
 * Jimmy:
 * [raises up his left arm and crutch] Yeah! Fuck yeah! [Timmy sits nearby with his arms crossed, glaring at Jimmy. Jimmy walks up to the podium] Yeah, I did it! I'm the bbub-best! [Bonds hands Jimmy the medal. The host returns to the podium]
 * Host:
 * Congratulations, Jimmy. But we all know that the Special Olympics isn't just about winning. And so, we will now give out the Spirit Award, to the handicapped person who came in very last. Eric Cartman!
 * Cartman:
 * Ah, screw you hippie!
 * Host:
 * For winning the Spirit Award, Eric will receive this gift certificate to Shakey's for fifty dollars! Come on up, Eric!
 * Cartman:
 * ...I could pile at Shakey's, heck. [puts on his helmet and walks up] Uh, Drrrr! Drrrr!
 * Jimmy:
 * [confronts Cartman] Hey! Just what the hell do you think you're doing, Eric?!
 * Cartman:
 * [humbly] Uhh, hehe. Uh de-duhhhh.
 * Jimmy:
 * You ffffaked being handicapped to win?! [grabs Cartman by the collar] I should k-kick your ass right here, you lousy no-good ch-ch-ch...cheater!
 * Timmy:
 * [approaches] Timmih!
 * Jimmy:
 * What?
 * Timmy:
 * [points to Timmy] Timmih!
 * Jimmy:
 * [thinks a moment] Oh my God. You, you're right, Timmy. You're totally right. [walks up to the mic and begins talking] Everyone, can I have your attention, please? [everyone falls silent] I'm afraid I have to give back my medal. The truth is, I haven't been playing fair either. I've been using st-steroids. I was willing to do anything to be the best, and the steroids made me blind to the people I was hurting. [a shot of Nancy, injured and taped around the head. She smiles] A good friend even tried to talk me out of it, and I wouldn't listen to him. [a shot of Timmy, who smiles and shows off his silver medal. Others around him wear bronzes.] Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics. [a shot of a chastened Cartman before the baseball players] Because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But I know now that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner. You're just a p-pussy. You're just a [shot of Mark McGuire] big fat p-p...p...pussy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say, [shot of Barry Bonds] "Remove me from the record books, because I am a big, stinky p-pussy-" [shot of Jason Giambi] "-steroid-taking jackass." [Giambi nods ever so subtly] That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you'll let me, I'll be back next year. To compete with honor. [applause rises from the stands, followed by cheers. The volunteers and baseball players gather around Jimmy]
 * McGuire:
 * Hey kid. Good for you for being honest.
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[The stands. Cartman walks up to his friends]
 * Cartman:
 * Well guys, I guess now you see what I was up to all along. I dressed up like a handicapped person and lost the Special Olympics on purpose, so that Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids. [he looks at Kyle and then Stan for a reaction, but neither offers any. He frowns, then steps forward angrily] Eh, oh yeah?! Well, well you guys are assholes! [straightens up] Grow up! [walks off in a huff]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[End of Up The Down Steroid.]
 * }
 * ...I could pile at Shakey's, heck. [puts on his helmet and walks up] Uh, Drrrr! Drrrr!
 * Jimmy:
 * [confronts Cartman] Hey! Just what the hell do you think you're doing, Eric?!
 * Cartman:
 * [humbly] Uhh, hehe. Uh de-duhhhh.
 * Jimmy:
 * You ffffaked being handicapped to win?! [grabs Cartman by the collar] I should k-kick your ass right here, you lousy no-good ch-ch-ch...cheater!
 * Timmy:
 * [approaches] Timmih!
 * Jimmy:
 * What?
 * Timmy:
 * [points to Timmy] Timmih!
 * Jimmy:
 * [thinks a moment] Oh my God. You, you're right, Timmy. You're totally right. [walks up to the mic and begins talking] Everyone, can I have your attention, please? [everyone falls silent] I'm afraid I have to give back my medal. The truth is, I haven't been playing fair either. I've been using st-steroids. I was willing to do anything to be the best, and the steroids made me blind to the people I was hurting. [a shot of Nancy, injured and taped around the head. She smiles] A good friend even tried to talk me out of it, and I wouldn't listen to him. [a shot of Timmy, who smiles and shows off his silver medal. Others around him wear bronzes.] Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics. [a shot of a chastened Cartman before the baseball players] Because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But I know now that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner. You're just a p-pussy. You're just a [shot of Mark McGuire] big fat p-p...p...pussy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say, [shot of Barry Bonds] "Remove me from the record books, because I am a big, stinky p-pussy-" [shot of Jason Giambi] "-steroid-taking jackass." [Giambi nods ever so subtly] That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you'll let me, I'll be back next year. To compete with honor. [applause rises from the stands, followed by cheers. The volunteers and baseball players gather around Jimmy]
 * McGuire:
 * Hey kid. Good for you for being honest.
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[The stands. Cartman walks up to his friends]
 * Cartman:
 * Well guys, I guess now you see what I was up to all along. I dressed up like a handicapped person and lost the Special Olympics on purpose, so that Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids. [he looks at Kyle and then Stan for a reaction, but neither offers any. He frowns, then steps forward angrily] Eh, oh yeah?! Well, well you guys are assholes! [straightens up] Grow up! [walks off in a huff]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[End of Up The Down Steroid.]
 * }
 * McGuire:
 * Hey kid. Good for you for being honest.
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[The stands. Cartman walks up to his friends]
 * Cartman:
 * Well guys, I guess now you see what I was up to all along. I dressed up like a handicapped person and lost the Special Olympics on purpose, so that Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids. [he looks at Kyle and then Stan for a reaction, but neither offers any. He frowns, then steps forward angrily] Eh, oh yeah?! Well, well you guys are assholes! [straightens up] Grow up! [walks off in a huff]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[End of Up The Down Steroid.]
 * }
 * Cartman:
 * Well guys, I guess now you see what I was up to all along. I dressed up like a handicapped person and lost the Special Olympics on purpose, so that Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids. [he looks at Kyle and then Stan for a reaction, but neither offers any. He frowns, then steps forward angrily] Eh, oh yeah?! Well, well you guys are assholes! [straightens up] Grow up! [walks off in a huff]
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[End of Up The Down Steroid.]
 * }
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[End of Up The Down Steroid.]
 * }