Fun with Veal

"Fun with Veal" is episode 605 of the Comedy Central series South Park. It originally aired on April 3, 2002.

Plot
Ms. Choksondik's fourth grade class goes on a field trip to a farm, where they discover that veal is made of baby cows. The boys are horrified (except Cartman, who joyously claims that they look so tender and scrumptious), and decide to save the calves from becoming veal. Stan, Kyle, and Butters convince Cartman to help them rescue the calves and bring them to Stan's house. When they are discovered by their parents, the boys barricade the door until they are promised the calves will be safe.

The situation quickly escalates into a standoff between the boys (who are declared terrorists), and the police. The boys outwit an incompetent FBI negotiator, and manage to get their hands on heavy weaponry (including an ICBM), and negotiate for a cattle truck driven by Michael Dorn (in full Worf makeup, and he must address Cartman as "captain") to drive them to the airport so they can escape to Mexico. They also get the FDA to change the term for veal to "tortured baby cow meat" and almost get North and South Dakota. Meanwhile, they eat food smuggled in by Ms. Cartman, which contains beef jerky and fried chicken. While most of the group eagerly eats this food, and Cartman happily feeds some of the jerky to one of the calves ("Dude, that's messed up"), Stan feels so strongly about the cause of saving the calves that he becomes fully vegetarian, and eats only apples. Cartman makes fun of this with a bit of foreshadowing, saying "if you don't eat meat, you become a pussy." As a result, Stan comes down with a strange illness, and develops sores all over his face.

The boys are eventually outmaneuvered by the police, who capture the truck. The boys are ultimately successful, however, since at this point the rancher no longer wants his calves. Since veal is now known as "tortured baby cow meat", there is no longer a market for veal. Stan is now so sick that he must be rushed to the hospital, and is confined to his hospital bed for two weeks. The doctor describes Stan's disease as Vaginitis, a condition which occurs when one stops eating meat, and which causes its victim to break out in vaginas all over his body. "If he had stopped eating meat completely," says the doctor, "he would've turned into one giant pussy" (a joke on what Cartman said earlier in the episode). Although the other boys get grounded (Except Cartman), their parents decide to treat them for burgers before heading home, to which they excitedly agree.

Censorship

 * In the original Comedy Central and Comedy Network version, the doctor says that if Stan wasn’t treated sooner for his vaginitis, he would have turned into “a giant pussy.” Syndicated reruns redub this with “giant vagina” (though his lips still read "pussy").

Cultural References

 * Randy Marsh compares the boys to "little John Walkers." This is meant as a reference to John Walker Lindh, an American who fought for the Taliban. http://www.southparkstudios.com/show/displayfaq.php?month=6&year=2007]
 * Michael Dorn is famous for playing Worf on Star Trek: The Next Generation. He is portrayed in this episode wearing a sweatshirt which bears the logo of Pasadena City College, his real-life alma mater. After this episode aired, Dorn revealed that he is a fan of South Park, and would've provided his voice for the episode had he been asked.

Quotes

 * [Stan and Kyle are banging on Cartman's window.]
 * Stan: Pssst, Cartman.
 * Cartman: [in his sleep] No, Uncle Jesse, NO!
 * Stan: Cartman, wake up!
 * Cartman:: What the hell are you guys doing?
 * Kyle: C'mon, we gotta go.
 * Cartman: Where're we going?
 * Stan: We're gonna go save the baby cows, fat-ass.
 * Cartman: What? Why?
 * Kyle: 'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole.
 * Cartman: So…
 * Stan: We can't let them die, douchebag. You're our friend.
 * Cartman: Well, let's see. In the last 3.2 seconds you've called me fatass, butthole and douchebag. I don't feel like you guys are friends.
 * Butters: But Stan, you said we're just using him so you can get his Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset!
 * Cartman: Ah-ha,ah-ha! You do need me and my Mission Impossible playset!
 * Stan: Yes we do!
 * Cartman: Okay, I'll go, if Kyle will kiss my black ass. (Lowers pants to show his buttocks.)
 * Kyle: No!
 * Stan: Just do it, dude
 * Cartman: (After farting in Kyle's face) Ahahahahaha!
 * Kyle: Sick dude, I felt it on my face!
 * Stan: Now will you help us?
 * Cartman: Ha, screw that I'm not going.
 * Kyle: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Jumps on cartman and begins to attack)




 * Randy Marsh: We gave those kids everything and they turned into little John Walkers!




 * Cartman: [to a baby cow] Go ahead, that's more for us. You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry? Who's the hungry man?
 * Kyle: Dude, that's messed up!




 * [Cartman is talking to an FBI negotiator.]
 * Cartman: We'll give you one calf, if you give us…some guns and ammunition of our own!
 * Glen Dumont: What?! I…I can't do that!
 * Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin' here, but I guess you're not talkin' to me. Goodbye.
 * Glen Dumont: No, no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Yuh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.
 * Cartman: Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna work.




 * [The phone rings; Cartman picks up.]
 * Cartman: Mike.
 * Mike: How we doing?
 * Cartman: We got a sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things?
 * Mike: Well, I did manage to get the FDA to officially change "veal" to "tortured baby cow", but I couldn't get North or South Dakota.
 * Cartman: Oh, Mike, you're breaking my balls!




 * FBI Leader: All right that's it. You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action.
 * Mike: Alright I'll give you that. But in exchange I want three staples.
 * FBI Leader: Get the hell out of here!




 * Cartman: What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf!
 * Michael Dorn: I'm not killing anybody!
 * Cartman: Ugh! Some Goddamned Klingon you are!


 * Doctor: You see these sores are all tiny Vaginas. If he had stopped eating meat completely, he would've turned into one giant pussy.