Herbert Garrison

Herbert Garrison (during sex change Janet Garrison) is the fourth grade teacher at South Park elementary. Mr. Garrison was a man through out the first eight seasons of South Park, but in the first episode, Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina, of the ninth season, he got a sex change operation, and became a woman, turning male again in Eek, a Penis!. In the episode About Last Night he was one of the supporters who voted for John McCain. His birthday is September 26th, presumbly 1955.

Appearance
Mr. Garrison wears a green jacket and glasses, and also has a bald spot on the top of his head, and grey hair around the sides.

As a woman, he tailored his jacket into a tank-top, wore lipstick and earrings as well as shorter pants and new white shoes.

After becoming male again in "Eek, a Penis!, Garrison wears an outfit identical to the original one, with the only exception being a belt added to the trousers and a very minor change to his collar. Mr. Garrison is also left handed. His hair was brown as seen in Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut, but in Weight Gain 4000 as a kid his hair is grey. He could've dyed it for the party in Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut however.

Personality
Herbert Garrison suffers from many psychological problems that are touched many times throughout the show, though it appears nothing is ever done about it. The most noticeable of his problems is dissociative identity disorder and heavy schizophrenia. At the beginning of the series, while Mr. Garrison still taught Grade 3, he held a puppet on his hand known as Mr. Hat. Mr. Garrison used this puppet to show a second, more aggressive personality and to emote some of his most inner conflicts. One of these conflicts being the fact he was gay, yet would not come to terms with that. It was hinted many times that he was gay, but Mr. Garrison would take deep offense, and insist he was straight. He would say Mr. Hat was gay, and later admitted his second hand puppet, Mr. Twig, was also gay. Mr. Garrison denied the fact he was gay so much, that he even appeared homophobic, and believed gay people were an abomination and weren't human. In one particular episode he tells Stan, "Gay people are evil. Their hearts pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil."

Mr. Garrison is racist, first shown as a gag for "Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo", where he proposes the town gets rid of all the Mexicans every Christmas, which he again suggests in It's Christmas in Canada, to which the Mayor angrily replies "Mr. Garrison, every year you suggest that, and every year we tell you NO!" When rich black people were moving to South Park, he was able to gather the town's men into getting rid of them, under the pretenses that the rich people were taking over the town. He got people to dress up like "ghosts" to scare them away, and burned lower case T's on the black peoples lawn standing for "Time to Leave." Once the town was rid of the rich people, Mr. Garrison said they could all get rich by selling the houses. This confused the town folk, who replied that they would then become what they didn't want in the town. Mr. Garrison then exposed his true motive by saying "Well, at least we got rid of those damn nig-" (and the episode cuts to black and the credits roll). Mr. Garrison was also seen among a KKK group, but said he wasn't a member, but Mr. Hat was, again using his puppet to dispute the conflicts inside himself. Mr. Garrison appears to be on good terms with Chef though, a black man who works at the school, and was even at his funeral.

Mr. Garrison is an incompetent teacher, who teaches his students useless things, such as why Chubby Checker left the Beatles, and once spent a whole week of just showing his class old Barnaby Jones tapes. He has also taught his students a few times subjects far too advanced for them, like Stalin and Communism. There have only been a few instances mostly in more recent episodes when Mr. Garrison has been portrayed as more competent as of a teacher taught a normal subject for a Fourth Grade class (many instances being after his sex change to a woman and back to a man), mostly Times Tables. Yet he goes about it by insulting the kids when they get an answer wrong, which is often. It is possible that Mr. Garrison teaches the students more about pop culture because he himself does not know a lot about the school curriculum, or just doesn't pay attention to it.

One of Mr. Garrison's common personality traits since giving up Mr. Hat is how his aggressive behavior now causes him to take things to the extremes. When he came out as gay, began performing extremely vulgar homosexual acts with Mr. Slave. Of course, part of this was most likely because of the fact he wanted to get fired in order to sue the school. However, after becoming a woman, he became obsessed with declaring how much of a woman he was in the loudest and again most vulgar way. For example, he was shout loudly to other women about how wonderful it was to have a period. Later when Mrs. Garrison begins a brief relationship with Richard Dawkins, she gives up her religious faith due to the fact the Dawkins found her attractive and then became obnoxiously vocal about Atheism to the point of being fanatical. The same held true for when Mrs. Garrison decided to be come a lesbian following a one-night stand with another woman. Following the encounter, Mrs. Garrison began to sexually harass all the women at the local lesbian bar, and became obsessed with the idea of having random sex with women. These extreme shifts and stances of belief mixed with his already aggressive behavior makes it to where Garrison is often verbally abusive to any and all who disagree with him.

Due to the fact that Mr. Garrison has had both male and female relationships during the course of the series, it is now unclear whether or not he can should still be considered gay, but rather bisexual. Since Garrison last relationship were lesbian in nature prior to returning back to being a male, it has not been made clear what Garrison's current sexuality is. Garrison could also be pansexual due to the fact that he enjoys having sex with anything, whether it be man, woman or child. It was once implied during earlier episodes that Garrison might have he had sex with Cartman's pet pig 'Fluffy', meaning he may also enjoy beastiality. In addition, Jakovasaurs also suggests that same idea when the people are watching the Jakovasaur, and Garrison suggest that they let him keep the Jakovasaur. They replied that he once found a bird that he kept at his house to keep it alive, but he ended up having sex with, to which Garrison replies that the bird was a total slut, and when he tells everyone who didn't have sex with the bird to raise their hands, and everyone raises their hands (a reference to Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut).

Since returning to male gender in Season 12, Mr. Garrison's behavior as of late has been shown to be less eccentric than before, having been involved in no acts of deviant sexual behavior, outrageous outbursts, or psychotic episodes. Instead, he's behaved more or less like a responsible and sane teacher. The closest exceptions to this has been when he offered up his students as hostages in Super Fun Time and afraid (along with all the other republican members of South Park), that it was the end of the world after Barack Obama was elected president in About Last Night...

History
Herbert Garrison grew up in Arkansas, where the beginning of his problems began. Even at a young age Garrison showed signs of homosexuality, when he felt unloved by his father when he wouldn't molest him. Garrison had read about and seen on the news many cases of child molestation, and saw it as a form of love, not something commited by a pervert. Garrison received a degree of mechanical engineering in college. It is unsure when, but instead of becoming an engineer like he was qualified to be Garrison then became the third grade teacher at South Park elementary, despite his lack of knowledge of his subjects. He was caught trying to molest a boy, Eric Cartman, who was looking to find an older and more mature person to hang out with. After Garrison was released from prison, he was fired from his job for what he had tried to do, and he left to the mountains to live in solitude. When Ms. Choksondik comes to see him in the mountain for advice on how to handle his class, he realized that he must admit his sexuality, and gets another job at South Park elementary teaching the Kindergarten class.

After Ms. Choksondik's death, Garrison was promoted as the fourth Grade teacher, and was reunited with his old class. He had started a new relationship with a man called Mr. Slave, who in the episode The Death Camp of Tolerance was used by Garrison to try and get himself fired for being gay, so that he could sue the school for millions of dollars. Unfortunately for him, his plan failed, and he ended up having to get to Tolerance camp because of his intolerance of homosexuals. Garrison then got a sex change operation, realizing he wasn't gay, but just a woman stuck in a man's body, and changed her name to Janet. This led to the break up of him and Mr. Slave, who said he liked having sex with men, not women. It was at this point that Mrs. Garrison became homophobic once more, and returned to her original beliefs on homosexuals. Mrs. Garrison was very promiscuous with her sexuality, claiming to have let truckers 'do' her in their trucks.

After she learned she could not have periods or get pregnant, Mrs. Garrison realized she was not actually a woman, but it was too late to have the operation undone, and she accepted what she was. When Mrs. Garrison learned that Mr. Slave was going to marry Big Gay Al, he tried to stop the governor from passing the law for gay marriage, by having two of his male students (Stan & Kyle) take care of an egg. He expected the two to break the egg, thus proving gay couples were irresponsible and could not take care of a child. The egg though was still intact by the end of the project, letting gay couples marry. Mrs. Garrison was morally opposed to teaching Evolution in "Go God Go", and was replaced by Richard Dawkins as the teacher. After initially fighting one another, the two form a relationship and Richard Dawkins convinces Mrs. Garrison to give up Christianity and become and atheist like him. Dawkin's views on Atheism and Mrs. Garrison's 'assertion' combined would apparently lead to the world becoming atheists. Their relationship ends though when Eric Cartman reveals that Mrs. Garrison use to be a man.

Mrs. Garrison explored her sexuality some more after mistakenly going into a Lesbian Bar, and ending up having sex with a woman named Allison. She took to her new sexuality quickly, defending Lesbian rights and Les Bos, the bar where she became gay again. Yet in "Eek, a Penis!", after watching the famous show of Oprah about Thomas Beatie, the person who had a woman-to-man sex change, but is still having a child made Garrison realize that even though he had a sex change he is still basically a man. He pays to have his penis re-grown using his DNA and became a man once more. It is unknown if he is once more homosexual after his sexual encounter with women.

Mr. Hat, Mr. Twig, and Mr. Slave
Through out the seasons, Mr. Garrison has had three teaching assistants. The first of these was Mr. Hat. It was through this puppet that Mr. Garrison channeled deep emotions through him he was afraid to show, like the fact he was gay. Mr. Garrison would use Mr. Hat to voice things he himself would never have said at the beginning of the show. Mr. Hat was gay and racist, according to Mr. Garrison, who he himself denied being. Yet surprisingly, Mr. Hat was able to do things without the help of Mr. Garrison, which makes many people wonder if Mr. Hat does have a mind of his own. Some of those instances are when Mr. Hat drove a car through a prison wall to rescue Mr. Garrison and Chef, and he has blinked and moved his eyes around a few times. Mr. Garrison had a debate with Mr. Hat about whether or not to go to a KKK meeting, and when Mr. Garrison refused, Mr. Hat disappeared from the room. He has also shown he has had Mr. Hat since he was a young boy.

Mr. Garrison replaced Mr. Hat with a new hand puppet, Mr. Twig. Mr. Twig is a twig wearing the same shirt as Mr. Hat, and spoke in the same voice until his final episode, where he spoke in a french accent (although since Mr. Twig's final speech to Mr. Garrison was romantic in nature, it may have been simply a joke). Mr. Garrison's students did not receive Mr. Twig well, and wanted Mr. Hat back. Mr. Garrison insisted Mr. Hat would never be coming back. In the episode Chef Aid, Mr. Twig kept on ending up in unfortunate accidents. Mr. Garrison soon discovered they were being caused by Mr. Hat, who wanted him to take him back. In the end of the episode, Mr. Twig helped Garrison realize that Mr. Hat was the best choice, and Mr. Garrison discarded him, and Mr. Twig has not been seen since.

Mr. Garrison disappeared for a number of episodes, having been fired for trying to molest a boy. Soon though he came back to his old class in Grade Four, with a new teaching assistant, Mr. Slave. Mr. Slave was literally Mr. Garrison's slave, dressed up in bondage clothing. Mr. Garrison thought Mr. Hat was too young for students in Grade Four, though he may have discarded it, no longer needing something to channel his homosexual feelings. The relationship between the pair lasted longer then either of the two puppets, but it was after Mr. Garrison get a sex change that it ended. Mr. Slave said he was gay, and wasn't into women, and left Mr. Garrison, later to marry Big Gay Al. Mr. Garrison no longer has a Teaching assistant.

Recently in the episode 200, Mr. Garrison is forced by Eric Cartman and his hand-turned-con-artist-puppet Mitch Conner to pull Mr. Hat out of storage, so as to reveal the truth about his father who until recently was believed to be Cartman's mother, Liane Cartman. Garrison is initially dismissive of using the old puppet, saying he no longer needed it. However Mitch greets Mr. Hat, claiming they are old friends and war buddies and as the conversation between Mr. Garrison, Cartman and Mitch progresses, Garrisons seems to regress back to talk with and to Mr. Hat as if the puppet is alive. It is unknown if Mr. Garrison intends to use Mr. Hat regularly again, as Garrison didn't appear in Crippled Summer, the episode after the "200/201" story.

Quotes

 * "Spank my ass and call me Charlie, isn't this exciting."


 * "Well you don't see that every day..."


 * "You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!"


 * "Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?" (running gag)


 * "I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."


 * "Okay, now lets try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard."


 * "Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?"


 * "No, that's wrong, Cartman. But don't worry. There are no stupid answers, just stupid people."


 * "Gay people, well, gay people are EVIL. Evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather--a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains; which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?"


 * "Holy poop on a stick!"


 * "Now I know choirs are totally stupid and lame, but lets give her your full attention."


 * "Oh, I can't control them. The little fuckers say what ever the fuck they want."


 * "I'm not gay. I act this way to get chicks, dumbass."


 * "And the award for worst costume this year goes to ... Stan, for his stupid little clown-thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children!"


 * "A haiku is just like a normal American poem except it doesn't rhyme and it's totally stupid."


 * "A ladder to heaven, that's fucking stupid."


 * "And that, Children ... is what you need to know about the facts of life. So lets review, Tootie left in the 4th season, but Blair & Jo stayed on and got husbands leaving the 5th & 6th seasons hideously stagnant."


 * "Oh fine! have your way with me! I won't struggle!......hey, where you going?"


 * "I hope you're not entertaining thoughts of raping me in this prison cell, Chef."


 * "Have you seen how Persians decorate? They will cover that place in cheesy blue carpeting, white statues and gold curtain rods 'till the point that you will want to puke!"


 * "Eric, did you just take a crap on my desk?"


 * "They're all over the place!" (Randy: What are?) "They're really furry!"


 * "How should I know! I'm a fucking MONKEY!"


 * "Everyone! Sit down and shut the fuck up!"


 * "Oh, it's so easy for you Mackey. You have a penis!"


 * "Well then get yourself an AIDS test Thompson, 'cause your wife's a dude, faggot. Yeah! I'm back!"


 * "I'm not a monkey. I'm a woman!"

Trivia

 * It's still unknown that Garrison is now heterosexual or gay, since he became lesbian in "D-Yikes" and then turns back to a male in "Eek, A Penis!".
 * Mr. Hat is known to be a racist, member of KKK, in Chef Goes Nanners, and Mr. Garrison stays out of KKK. But then in "Here Comes the Neighborhood" Garrison seems to be racist as well. He is also spotted durring town meetings sugesting to get rid of all the Mexicans.
 * Token used to get A or plus mark by Garrison, despite the fact that Garrison is racist.
 * When Mr. Garrison shows off his new boobs in Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina, while grotesque looking, they are more or less equal in shape and size. However in Go God Go, when his reveals them again, they are even more mishapen, with one being notably smaller than the other. This may be due to one of his boobs being damaged in Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow.
 * Mr. Garrison carries a gun with him to class, it is unknown why, and it also unknown why he didn't use it when his whole class was held hostage in a Pioneer Village.
 * Despite his sex-change and several seasons as a woman, Garrison was often addressed as "Mr." rather "Mrs." by many of the students and even his collegues in class.
 * Mr. Garrison is also one of only two teachers at South Park Elementary (the other being Mr. Mackey) who have been fired from the school, but later returned.
 * In the episode "Cherokee Hair Tampons", his name that appears on the cover of his best-selling book is Ethan P. Garrison.

External Link

 * Herbert Garrison Profile at Wikipedia

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