Chickenpox/Script

Cast

 * Stan
 * Kyle
 * Cartman
 * Kenny
 * Shelley
 * The Marshes (Randy, Sharon, Shelley)
 * The Broflovskis (Gerald, Sheila, Ike)
 * Liane Cartman
 * The McCormicks (Stuart, Kevin, mom)
 * Dr. Doctor
 * Terrance and Phillip
 * Chef
 * Frida, the aged Prostitute

Script
Oh… kaayy. [Kyle and Stan rush into the bathroom] What?!{| bgcolor="white" Oh, God. What have I done?
 * Kyle:
 * Cartman, do you remember how we all spent the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago?
 * Cartman:
 * I rmember frozen waffles, but no side dishes.
 * Stan:
 * Cartman, our parents sent us over there to catch chicken pox from Kenny!
 * Kyle:
 * Yeah, dude. Your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.
 * Cartman:
 * She what?!
 * Stan:
 * It's some kind of parental consipracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something.
 * Cartman:
 * That bitch! I'm gonna go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts
 * Kyle:
 * Nononono. Come on, fatass, we're gonna get 'em all back.
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Down by the riverside]
 * Gerald:
 * Well I'm sure you'll find another job soon. Something'll come along.
 * Stuart:
 * Not that easy. You were lucky.
 * Gerald:
 * Now, now-I, I wasn't lucky.
 * Stuart:
 * You had rich parents. You got to go to that expensive community college.
 * Gerald:
 * Hey! I worked my ass off to get to where I am today! [rising] I wanted to be somebody!
 * Stuart:
 * [rising] I wanted to be somebody, too! I just wasn't born with a silver enema up my ass!
 * Gerald:
 * You're just jealous. You're a bitter old drunk, just like your father! [Stuart punches him down] Ow. [gets up]
 * Stuart:
 * Now don't make me do that again! [hits him again]
 * Gerald:
 * Ow! You son of a bitch! [chokes Stuart. They start tugging at each other]
 * Stuart:
 * Uh.
 * Gerald:
 * Ow!
 * Stuart:
 * Oh!
 * Gerald:
 * Ow! [ends up on the floor again]
 * Stuart:
 * Eeaaaahh! [jumps and drops an elbow on Gerald]
 * Gerald:
 * [in pain] Huuuh!
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan's parents are visiting]
 * Randy:
 * Doctor?
 * Dr. Doctor:
 * Yes.
 * Randy:
 * Wuhwhere's Stan?
 * Dr. Doctor:
 * Stan?
 * Randy:
 * Stan, our son?
 * Dr. Doctor:
 * Oh, yes. Where is Stan?
 * Sharon:
 * You mean Stanley's missing?
 * Dr. Doctor:
 * No, no. He's not missing. We just… can't seem to find him at this moment.
 * Sharon:
 * [to Randy] Oh my God! Our son ran away!
 * Randy:
 * Will he be okay, out of the hospital?
 * Dr. Doctor:
 * Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.
 * Sharon:
 * Die??
 * Dr. Doctor:
 * Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chicken pox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.
 * Randy:
 * Okay, well well, let's go look!
 * Dr. Doctor:
 * As he chokes for breath the pox will move through his inner ear into his brain, making him think his David Duchovny.
 * Sharon:
 * Oh God, no!
 * Randy:
 * I'ma I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.
 * Dr. Doctor:
 * Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of-
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Kyle's house. Sheila looks after Ike, who plays with a toy truck. Gerald enters]
 * Sheila:
 * So how was it? Did you boys have a good time fishing?
 * Gerald:
 * [tattered] That son of a bitch ripped my parka! [and tore his hat and pants, gave him a black eye, mangled his fishing line… He closes the door and walks to the sofa]
 * Sheila:
 * Catch anything?
 * Gerald:
 * I just don't get it. [drops the pole] Why would he invite me fishing and then turn into a complete bastard?
 * Sheila:
 * Well, darling, I have to tell you something. He didn't invite you. I set the whole thing up.
 * Gerald:
 * What? Now why the hell would you knowingly deceive me like that?
 * Sheila:
 * I thought it would be good for you!
 * Gerald:
 * Just like you deceived our son into going to Kenny's? And that didn't work, either!
 * Sheila:
 * [exasperated, she leaves] I'm doing the best I can!
 * [Gerald picks up the paper on the sofa and looks over it]
 * bgcolor="red"|Gerald:
 * [reading]
 * Dr. Doctor:
 * Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.
 * Sharon:
 * Die??
 * Dr. Doctor:
 * Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chicken pox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.
 * Randy:
 * Okay, well well, let's go look!
 * Dr. Doctor:
 * As he chokes for breath the pox will move through his inner ear into his brain, making him think his David Duchovny.
 * Sharon:
 * Oh God, no!
 * Randy:
 * I'ma I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.
 * Dr. Doctor:
 * Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of-
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Kyle's house. Sheila looks after Ike, who plays with a toy truck. Gerald enters]
 * Sheila:
 * So how was it? Did you boys have a good time fishing?
 * Gerald:
 * [tattered] That son of a bitch ripped my parka! [and tore his hat and pants, gave him a black eye, mangled his fishing line… He closes the door and walks to the sofa]
 * Sheila:
 * Catch anything?
 * Gerald:
 * I just don't get it. [drops the pole] Why would he invite me fishing and then turn into a complete bastard?
 * Sheila:
 * Well, darling, I have to tell you something. He didn't invite you. I set the whole thing up.
 * Gerald:
 * What? Now why the hell would you knowingly deceive me like that?
 * Sheila:
 * I thought it would be good for you!
 * Gerald:
 * Just like you deceived our son into going to Kenny's? And that didn't work, either!
 * Sheila:
 * [exasperated, she leaves] I'm doing the best I can!
 * [Gerald picks up the paper on the sofa and looks over it]
 * bgcolor="red"|Gerald:
 * [reading]
 * Sheila:
 * Well, darling, I have to tell you something. He didn't invite you. I set the whole thing up.
 * Gerald:
 * What? Now why the hell would you knowingly deceive me like that?
 * Sheila:
 * I thought it would be good for you!
 * Gerald:
 * Just like you deceived our son into going to Kenny's? And that didn't work, either!
 * Sheila:
 * [exasperated, she leaves] I'm doing the best I can!
 * [Gerald picks up the paper on the sofa and looks over it]
 * bgcolor="red"|Gerald:
 * [reading]
 * Sheila:
 * [exasperated, she leaves] I'm doing the best I can!
 * [Gerald picks up the paper on the sofa and looks over it]
 * bgcolor="red"|Gerald:
 * [reading]
 * bgcolor="red"|Gerald:
 * [reading]
 * [reading]
 * If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people. And there won't be any hunger, poverty, or homeless people. 'Cause they'll all be dead. The end.
 * }
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Chef's house. He's watching Terrance and Phillip]
 * Phillip:
 * [both are on tables with only their heads and asses exposed] What's happening here, Terrance?
 * Terrance:
 * We're doing an anal transplant. It's our only hope.
 * Phillip:
 * Who's the donor?
 * Terrance:
 * I am, Phillip. I am.
 * Phillip:
 * Terrance! You're giving up your ass for me?
 * Terrance:
 * Just half my ass. Can you believe it, Phillip? Best friends, and now we're going to share the same ass.
 * Chef:
 * [hears some knocking] Oh, damn it. Not now! [goes to answer the door. Stan, Kyle and Cartman wait] Damn it! Children, what are you doing here? Terrance and Phillip are about to go into surgery!
 * Kyle:
 * Chef. We wanna know about herpes.
 * Chef:
 * What makes you think I would know anything about that?
 * Kyle:
 * Well I don't know. You're just the only grownup we trust.
 * Stan:
 * How does someone get herpes?
 * Chef:
 * Well you get it by sharin' relations with somebody who already has it. You have to be veerryy careful arond someone who has herpes.
 * Kyle:
 * Do you know anybody with herpes?
 * Chef:
 * Well, there's old Frida down on Main Street. She has a mouthful of herpes. You need to stay away from her.
 * Stan:
 * But what if we want to give somebody herpes?
 * Chef:
 * Oh, then, Frida's the right person to go to.
 * Kyle:
 * Cool! Thanks, Chef!
 * Chef:
 * O-kay! [Closes the door and goes back to his armchair. The boys leave] Wait a minute. What the hell did I just do?
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Main Street. Randy and Sharon drive around looking for Stan.]
 * Sharon:
 * Stanley?
 * Randy:
 * Stan?
 * Sharon:
 * [softly] Oh, Stanley, where are youuu?
 * Randy:
 * Stan?
 * Sharon:
 * Stanley?! [the car makes a right two blocks down, and the kids appear a block closer. They walk up the block and see an old redhead smoking a cigarette]
 * Kyle:
 * Are you old Frida?
 * Frida:
 * [raspily] Who wants to know?
 * Kyle:
 * Someone who wants a favor.
 * Frida:
 * Ten dollars a lay, five dollars a b-nut. [snorts]
 * Kyle:
 * [to Stan, thows his hands up] Huh?
 * Cartman:
 * We want you to give our parents herpes.
 * Frida:
 * [puffs out] Five dollars.
 * Stan:
 * My dad has five dollars on top of his dresser. [coughs]
 * Kyle:
 * Damn, you sound pretty sick. Maybe you should go back to the hospital.
 * Stan:
 * And have Shelley kick my ass? No thanks. Plus, I have to get my parents back just as much as you do!
 * [The boys hire Frida and take her to each of their houses. First stop, Stan's house. She goes into the bathroom and uses Randy's and Sharon's toothbrushes. Stan and Kyle smile, then Stan holds out his right thumb in approval. In the kitchen, Frida chugs away at a jar of milk, then sends the milk right back into the jar. Next stop: Kyle's house. She goes into the master bedroom and uses Sheila's lipsticks. Then she goes to the kitchen and soils the silverware by putting each and every utensil under her armpits. Stan and Kyle jump for joy and high-five each other. Last stop: Cartman's house. She goes into Liane's room and pulls out some panties, then rubs them all over her face. Cartman jumps for joy. They all return to Stan's house, and she licks away at some wine glasses and the phone receiver. Stan and Kyle high-five each other again. Finally, they pay her and she leaves]
 * Stan:
 * Thanks a lot, Frida!
 * Frida:
 * [hacks] Don't mention it. [hacks again, pockets the money, and walks away]
 * Kyle:
 * D-hude, this is gonna be so killer. They're all gonna get herpes!
 * The boys:
 * Hooray! [Stan coughs and the adults burst into the room. Fear strikes the boys]
 * Randy:
 * Stanley, where the hell have you been?
 * Sharon:
 * Damn it, Stanley, you had us worried sick! You have to get back to the hospital for a shot!
 * Stan:
 * [hiding behind Kyle] Huh-I don't wanna go back there.
 * Randy:
 * [coming for him] Come on, we're taking you back to the hospital. [drags him off]
 * Stan:
 * Don't you guys feel like brushing your teeth first?
 * Randy:
 * What?
 * Stan:
 * You know, freshen up your breath.
 * Kyle:
 * Aw, man. [tottering, eyes half shut] I don't feel so good.
 * Sheila:
 * [pleased] Oh good, maybe you finally caught the chicken-
 * Kyle:
 * Ugh. [falls back, passing out]
 * Sheila:
 * Kyle!!
 * bgcolor="#dcba98"|[Hell's Pass Hospital. All four boys are now in recovery]
 * Dr. Doctor:
 * Well, I hope you boys learned your lesson. Going out and playing around with chicken pox almost killed you all!
 * Kyle:
 * We're sorry.
 * Dr. Doctor:
 * Well just be thankful we got you here in time. Your parents are here to see you, I'll send them in.
 * Kyle:
 * This itches! Give me some of that calamine lotion, Cartman!
 * Cartman:
 * Hell no! You guys get your own!
 * Sharon:
 * [the parents enter] Stanley, how are you feeling today, son?
 * Stan:
 * Pretty good.
 * Sharon:
 * [cheerfully] The doctor says that maybe you can go home tomorrow.
 * Randy:
 * Yeah. Isn't that great, Stanley?
 * Stan:
 * Wow, coo-hul!
 * Sheila:
 * And how are you, Kyle?
 * Gerald:
 * Are you doing okay?
 * Kyle:
 * I'm better now. [he and Stan start laughing]
 * Sharon:
 * What's so funny, you two?
 * Kyle:
 * We gave you guys herpes.
 * Sheila:
 * Whatwhatwhaaat?! You did this?!
 * Stan:
 * We got you back for getting us sick. We had a prostitute use your toothbrushes and stuff.
 * Randy:
 * I can't believe you gave us herpes. You little rascals!
 * Sharon:
 * [to Randy] Well, I guess it serves us right. [to the boys] Kids, we should have honest about wanting you to get chicken pox.
 * Sheila:
 * It's true. We were wrong for deceiving you about it. [Liane walks over to Cartman]
 * Cartman:
 * Hey, how come you don't have sores on your lips, Ma?
 * Liane:
 * Ooh, I have them somewhere else, boopiekins.
 * Cartman:
 * Hooray!
 * Gerald:
 * Anduh Stuart, I think I owe you an apology. I realize that I shouldn't be so cold towards people that are less fortunate than me.
 * Stuart:
 * Waww hell, I'm sorry, too. [Terrance and Phillip are on. The anal transplant surgery was a success]
 * Terrance:
 * Oh, Phillip, I'm so glad everything turned out for the better. [he farts high and laughs]
 * Cartman:
 * Well, I know one thing for sure.
 * Liane:
 * What's that, Eric?
 * Cartman:
 * We're all gonna need a lot more calamine lotion.
 * [all the boys start laughing, then the parents join in. The doctor stands by Kenny and doesn't laugh. Kenny laughs, but drops dead. The meter flatlines and a long, steady note is heard. All stop laughing]
 * Stan:
 * Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
 * Kyle:
 * You bastards!
 * [Stan laughs, then Kyle, then everyone else, including Kenny's parents. End of Chicken Pox. I'm A Believer plays]
 * }
 * Kyle:
 * This itches! Give me some of that calamine lotion, Cartman!
 * Cartman:
 * Hell no! You guys get your own!
 * Sharon:
 * [the parents enter] Stanley, how are you feeling today, son?
 * Stan:
 * Pretty good.
 * Sharon:
 * [cheerfully] The doctor says that maybe you can go home tomorrow.
 * Randy:
 * Yeah. Isn't that great, Stanley?
 * Stan:
 * Wow, coo-hul!
 * Sheila:
 * And how are you, Kyle?
 * Gerald:
 * Are you doing okay?
 * Kyle:
 * I'm better now. [he and Stan start laughing]
 * Sharon:
 * What's so funny, you two?
 * Kyle:
 * We gave you guys herpes.
 * Sheila:
 * Whatwhatwhaaat?! You did this?!
 * Stan:
 * We got you back for getting us sick. We had a prostitute use your toothbrushes and stuff.
 * Randy:
 * I can't believe you gave us herpes. You little rascals!
 * Sharon:
 * [to Randy] Well, I guess it serves us right. [to the boys] Kids, we should have honest about wanting you to get chicken pox.
 * Sheila:
 * It's true. We were wrong for deceiving you about it. [Liane walks over to Cartman]
 * Cartman:
 * Hey, how come you don't have sores on your lips, Ma?
 * Liane:
 * Ooh, I have them somewhere else, boopiekins.
 * Cartman:
 * Hooray!
 * Gerald:
 * Anduh Stuart, I think I owe you an apology. I realize that I shouldn't be so cold towards people that are less fortunate than me.
 * Stuart:
 * Waww hell, I'm sorry, too. [Terrance and Phillip are on. The anal transplant surgery was a success]
 * Terrance:
 * Oh, Phillip, I'm so glad everything turned out for the better. [he farts high and laughs]
 * Cartman:
 * Well, I know one thing for sure.
 * Liane:
 * What's that, Eric?
 * Cartman:
 * We're all gonna need a lot more calamine lotion.
 * [all the boys start laughing, then the parents join in. The doctor stands by Kenny and doesn't laugh. Kenny laughs, but drops dead. The meter flatlines and a long, steady note is heard. All stop laughing]
 * Stan:
 * Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
 * Kyle:
 * You bastards!
 * [Stan laughs, then Kyle, then everyone else, including Kenny's parents. End of Chicken Pox. I'm A Believer plays]
 * }
 * Hooray!
 * Gerald:
 * Anduh Stuart, I think I owe you an apology. I realize that I shouldn't be so cold towards people that are less fortunate than me.
 * Stuart:
 * Waww hell, I'm sorry, too. [Terrance and Phillip are on. The anal transplant surgery was a success]
 * Terrance:
 * Oh, Phillip, I'm so glad everything turned out for the better. [he farts high and laughs]
 * Cartman:
 * Well, I know one thing for sure.
 * Liane:
 * What's that, Eric?
 * Cartman:
 * We're all gonna need a lot more calamine lotion.
 * [all the boys start laughing, then the parents join in. The doctor stands by Kenny and doesn't laugh. Kenny laughs, but drops dead. The meter flatlines and a long, steady note is heard. All stop laughing]
 * Stan:
 * Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
 * Kyle:
 * You bastards!
 * [Stan laughs, then Kyle, then everyone else, including Kenny's parents. End of Chicken Pox. I'm A Believer plays]
 * }
 * [all the boys start laughing, then the parents join in. The doctor stands by Kenny and doesn't laugh. Kenny laughs, but drops dead. The meter flatlines and a long, steady note is heard. All stop laughing]
 * Stan:
 * Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
 * Kyle:
 * You bastards!
 * [Stan laughs, then Kyle, then everyone else, including Kenny's parents. End of Chicken Pox. I'm A Believer plays]
 * }
 * You bastards!
 * [Stan laughs, then Kyle, then everyone else, including Kenny's parents. End of Chicken Pox. I'm A Believer plays]
 * }
 * [Stan laughs, then Kyle, then everyone else, including Kenny's parents. End of Chicken Pox. I'm A Believer plays]
 * }