Free Hat

"Free Hat" is episode 609 of South Park. It originally aired on July 10, 2002.

Plot synopsis
The main four (with Tweek rather than Kenny), go to see a "re-re-re-release" of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. Before the movie, a trailer of the (real) re-release of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial is shown, which points out the various edits made to the movie (e.g. the guns that the special secret agents point at the children have been changed to walkie talkies, and the word "terrorist" has been changed to "hippie" - see 20th Anniversary Edition for more information).

A trailer of the (fictional) "re-re-release" of Saving Private Ryan is then shown where similar edits have been made; the soldiers' guns have been digitally changed to walkie talkies, and the word "Nazi" has been changed to "persons with political differences" (It should be noted that the word "Nazi" is never spoken in the real film). The four complain about how directors edit their movies to make them more family-friendly or politically correct. Finally, the movie they came to see appears, but not before a banner is displayed on the screen (and also read by an announcer) to note the word "Wookie" (sic) has been changed to "hair challenged animal" and that the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.

They leave the theater and decide to form an organization to campaign against changes to classic movies. Cartman then writes "Free Hat" on the advertising poster to persuade more people to come. Tweek is charged with the task of making fifty paper hats, but he only manages to make fifteen (although he stayed up all night, only slept for one hour, and dreamed about making hats). Many more people than were expected show up, not for a free hat, but for the boy's cause, which they think is to organize a movement to free Hat McCullough from prison. When the boys state their real cause, the group are a little enthusiastic with this cause as well and suggest they work on both causes: Stopping Film-makers from editing their movies and freeing Hat McCullough and the group run outside, chanting "Free Hat! Free Hat!"

Later, the boys are invited onto Nightline with Ted Koppel to talk about their cause. Koppel reveals that Hat McCullough is a convicted serial killer of twenty-three babies & toddlers and Tweek has to defend their supposed support of toddler murder. When asked what he finds positive about toddler murder, Tweek eventually answers "It's easy?". Koppel agrees with the statement. While there, the boys meet Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. Spielberg justifies his changing of the movies as "improving history." The boys then argue that changing E.T. is like changing Raiders of the Lost Ark, but this only inspires the filmmakers to do just that. The boys return to their club to tell their members about saving the film. They plan to infiltrate Lucas's home, Skywalker Ranch, and steal the original negatives of Raiders of the Lost Ark to prevent it from being remade. Despite the option to stay and help the boys, all of the members go out to talk to the governor about freeing Hat (as they say he killed the babies in self defense, which would technically classify Hat as a mass murderer rather than a serial killer). Tweek at first refuses to join the boys with getting the film, but relents when his friendship is threatened.

Tweek, Cartman, Stan, and Kyle later break into Lucas's house. They look through his vault, skimming past titles such as "First Day of School, Digitally Enhanced", "Wedding Video, Digitally Enhanced", and "Kids First Swimming Lesson w/ Digitally Enhanced Weather" until they find the negatives. Just as they try to collect the negatives, Lucas confronts them. After pleading with him, the boys try playing a "cool island song" to try to "melt his icy heart," but they end up arguing about what kind of heart he has and what type of island song they should be playing. The next day, Lucas calls the police, and the boys attempt to convince him to turn away from his evil master (Spielberg). Just as he was about to give them the reel, Spielberg arrives, flanked by guards brandishing walkie-talkies ala E.T. Torn between the boys and Spielberg, Lucas relents and gives the reel to Spielberg. Spielberg then takes the boys prisoners to make them guests of honor at the premiere of the remake of Raiders of the Lost Ark, but Tweek escapes.

Later, back at the club, Tweek alerts everybody else to the situation at hand, but they were all upset that the governor wouldn't listen to them about pardoning Hat. Tweek then explains what he and his friends had to go through in their attempt to get the film, but the other members decide to adapt the island song strategy for their own cause, planning to use a "fresh island song" to "cool the governor's hot temper".

Meanwhile, Spielberg and Lucas (now joined by Francis Ford Coppola) and their entourage (including the three prisoner kids) start making their way to the premiere. Like in Raiders of the Lost Ark, their way means walking across a desert while carrying the new print inside an ark. Thus, with the film situation left only to Tweek, he ambushes the convoy from an upper desert hill wielding a bazooka which he points to the ark. He threatens to blow it up unless his prisoner friends are released (except for Cartman, who they can keep). The negotiation ends when Spielberg (who's amazed by Tweek's persistence) steals a walkie-talkie from one of his men and forces the others to step away from the ark. He then invites Tweek to "blow it back to God", but reminds him all his life has been in pursuit of seeing a great film, and thanks to the new "effects beyond your wildest dreams" he wants to see it screened just as much as Spielberg does. Tweek pauses and is captured as he hesitates.

Later at the premiere, as the movie begins, Stan tells his friends (all of whom are tied to poles) to look away from the screen, warning them that the film will be terrible. They do, while the rest of the audience continues watching the film. At first, they're awed by the film, but upon seeing the Native Americans who chase Indiana Jones were digitally changed to Ewoks, they react negatively. They then realise the new version is awful. Spielberg, Lucas, and Coppola become frightened. Suddenly, parodying the climax of Raiders of the Lost Ark, the film shoots rays at the audience and kills them all. Lucas and Coppola have their faces melt, and Spielberg's explodes. When there's finally silence, the kids find themselves untied and open their eyes. Upon seeing bodies everywhere Cartman comments, "Man, that new version must have sucked balls."

Back in South Park, the boys think that they are going to be congratulated for stopping Spielberg and Lucas. However, the boys (in particular Tweek) are congratulated for getting Hat released from prison. Despite the fact that Hat is crazy and asks for a baby, the crowd cheers for him and presents him with one. The boys say that what they did might not matter now, but will matter later.

When Tweek asks what if someone else tries to change the movie, Stan answers that it's "somewhere safe. Somewhere where...nobody will ever find it." The episode ends as we see an old man placing the original prints inside a box, which he then places inside a warehouse named "Red Cross 9/11 Relief Funds" -- a nod to the close of Raiders of the Lost Ark, which in itself is a nod to Citizen Kane.

References to pop culture

 * Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, and Francis Ford Coppola parody the three main villains in Raiders of the Lost Ark in their manner of deaths. Coppola’s head shrivels up like Colonel Dietrich’s, Lucas’ head melts down to a bloody skull like Agent Toht’s, and Spielberg’s head explodes like Rene Belloq’s.
 * Most of the last six or so minutes of the episode parodies Raiders of the Lost Ark, with many lines being taken almost directly from the movie (a few choice words are replaced).
 * When George Lucas refuses to give the boys the negative, he says “It is too late for me.” This is a parody of Darth Vader’s words to Luke in Return of the Jedi.
 * The show takes a self-referential stab at itself by having a mock advertisement for a remastered version of the pilot episode of South Park, "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe".
 * The boys compare movies being changed with the Colosseum being remodeled and the Beatles changing their White Album every year.
 * Throughout the episode, the bad guys keep holding walkie-talkies like rifles (e. g. when George calls in the guards to get rid of the boys, the guards are holding walkie-talkies). This serves as a constant reference to the changes Steven Spielberg did in E.T., where the guns, which the special secret agents hold against the children, were replaced in that scene with walkie-talkies to make the film more family-friendly.
 * The outfits worn by the boys seem similar to the tropical outfits worn by Trey Parker and Matt Stone in BASEketball.
 * During the screening, Steven Spielberg says "It's beautiful", a sound clip that would later be used by Stan's father when he first enters the Wall-Mart in "Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes".
 * A show airs called "Excess Hollywood", a direct parody of Access Hollywood with a look-alike of then co-host Pat O'Brien.
 * In the scene when the boys break into George Lucas's house to steal the original print of Raiders of the Lost Ark, many props from Lucas's past films can be seen in the room where the print is found. These range from a model of Howard the Duck, and many helmets belonging to Imperial Stormtroopers.
 * On the Cinema screen, where it says the word 'Wookie' has been changed to "hair challenged animal", the word Wookiee is spelt wrong.

Quotes

 * The announcer: Coming this summer...it's the classic film that changed America...

[A trailer for the (real) re-release of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial starts playing]
 * The announcer: All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded.
 * The announcer (as the US secret agents chase the children): All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie-talkies.
 * The announcer:And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed to "HIPPIE".
 * Stan (in a dissapointed voice): Ah, dude, why would they do that?
 * Cartman: Yea, hippie and a terrorist is the same thing.
 * Kyle: No, dude, Spielberg changed terrorist to hippie to make ET more PC.
 * Stan: That's gay...




 * The announcer: Coming this summer...it's the motion picture that changed America...

[A trailer for the (fictional) "re-re-release" of Saving Private Ryan starts playing]
 * The announcer: The word "NAZI" has been changed to "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES".
 * The announcer: And all the guns have been replaced by walkie-talkies.

[Shots of soldiers getting killed or crippled by walkie talkies' shots]



[A banner shows up (and read by an announcer) before the airing of the "re-re-re-release" of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]]
 * The announcer: The word "WOOKIE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.

[The kids ditch the theater in anger and try to get their money back]



[On "EXCESS HOLLYWOOD"]
 * Host: Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight Steven Spielberg and George Lucas will be at the premiere of the new special edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology.



[Raiders of the Lost Ark's theme is played as Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola and their entourage walk across a desert with the new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark inside an ark, and the kids as their prisoners]
 * Tweek (from atop a cliff looking down upon the entourage in the canyon): Hello!
 * Spielberg: The kid? The Tweeked eye kid?!
 * Tweek (leveling a bazooka): I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg.
 * Spielberg: Your persistence surprises even me.
 * Coppola: Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.
 * Tweek: That depends on how reasonable we're all going to be. All I want are my friends.
 * Cartman: Wow!
 * Tweek: Except for Cartman, you can keep him!
 * Cartman: Hey!
 * Coppola: And if we refuse?
 * Tweek: Then your premiere has no movie.
 * Spielberg (shoves his entourage away from the ark): Yea, ok, stand back, stand back, stand back, back. Ok, kid, you win. Blow it up.
 * Spielberg (steals a walkie-talkie from one of the men who attempts to guard the ark and holds the men off): Drop! Drop!
 * Spielberg: Blow it back to God. All your life has been in persuit of seeing a great film. This new version of Raiders has digital effects beyond your wildest dreams. You want to see it screened just as much as I.

[Tweek struggles with himself as he comes to realize Spielberg is right]
 * Kyle: Come on, Tweek, blow it up!
 * Spielberg: Son, we are simply passing through history. This...is improved history.

[Everybody stare at Tweek]
 * Spielberg (moves away from the ark): Do as you will.

[Tweek gives up and lowers his bazooka. He's immdiately captured by walkie-talking wielding men]



[The premiere of the new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark is about to start. The prisoner kids are chained to polls in the back]
 * Spielberg (wearing a priest's clothes): "Afa Malefy!"
 * Spielberg: Thanks for coming, everyone.

[Spielberg's men open the ark and present the new print to the crowd]
 * Spielberg: This is the birth of the new version of Raiders of the Lost Ark. We shall screen it here and then destroy all the old prints in celebration.
 * The crowd: Hooray!
 * Spielberg: Begin the film!



[The new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark stars playing, while the prisoner kids are chained to polls in the back]
 * The crowd: Wow!
 * Stan: You guys, close your eyes. Don't look at it!
 * Tweek: What?!
 * Stan: Don't watch the movie guys, it will be terrible! Close your eyes!

[The kids close their eyes]
 * The crowd: Oh!
 * Spielberg: It's beautiful!

[Indiana Jones reaches the temple at the beginning of the movie, but is attacked by Ewoks instead of Native Americans]
 * A crowd member: Wait a minute, this version is awful!
 * Another crowd member: Yea, they ruined it!
 * Yet another crowd member: Oh my god, it's terrible!

[Suddenly Lucas, Coppola and Spielberg start screaming and then the movie starts shooting rays at the crowd killing the entire crowd. Then the faces of Lucas, Coppola and Spielberg get melt or explode. Finally the print throws itself back into the ark and closes it. Just then the kids open their eyes]
 * Stan: Yea, you guys ok?
 * Kyle: Yea, I think so.
 * Cartman (observing the dead bodies everywhere): Man, that new version must have sucked balls.


 * Tweek: The original prints of Raiders of the Lost Ark. What if somebody else takes them and tries to change them?
 * Stan: Don't worry, Tweek, it's somewhere safe. Somewhere where...nobody will ever find them.

[The episode ends as we see an old man placing the original prints inside a box, which he then places inside a warehouse for 9/11 relief funds]