Butters' Very Own Episode/Script

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Episode 514  "BUTTERS' VERY OWN EPISODE"  Written by Trey Parker [Butters' home, night. Butters enters the living room with a gift in hand. He walks up to his parents. His mom is polishing an end table while his father reads the newspaper on the sofa beside it.]   BUTTERS  Heh-alright, Mom, I'm all done wrappin' Dad's anniversary present for ya.  ' ' DAD  Oh, is it soneone's anniversary soon?  ' ' MOM  Oh, you!  DAD  Just kidding. Oh, I wonder what it is.   BUTTERS  It's a- Awww, shucks, I can't tell you. Uh but it's really nifty.   DAD  Well, looks like we're gonna have to do somethin' extra-special for Mommy and Daddy's anniversary this year. How about on Saturday we all go have dinner at Bennigan's!   BUTTERS  Bennigan's?? Oh, boy, you mean it?? Whoopee, at Bennigan's I'm goona get the Rain Champ baby-back ribs!   MOM  Calm down there, cowboy. You've still got four days.   BUTTERS  Four days? Oh, I don't know how I'm gonna wait that long!   CHOIR  Who's the boy who can laugh at a storm cloud?   Turn a frown into a smile for free? Who's the kid with the heart full of magic? Everyone know it's Butters! ['It's "The Butters Show"' appears over a wallpaper design of Butters' head. This is the show's splash screen]   BUTTERS  That's me.  [NEXT SCENES  Butters in Mr. Mackey's basement. Butters tied to the feet of the Provider, a statue of John Elway. Butters keeping his class informed of what the kindergartners were doing while the class practices its play. Butters asking a question in class about using shit in the expletive. Butters delivering a tape to a reporter. Butters peeking through a door in the hotel NAMBLA is meeting at. Butters figuring out how to open the condom. Stan grabbing Butters angrily. Butters rubbing some cow dung on his jacket after finding the dung sticky. Butters calling upon Pele to make his volcano work.]   CHOIR  Who's the boy with the eyes full of wonder?   Thinks being yourself is the best thing to be? Who's that rascal with the tweezers in his pocket? Everyone know it's Butters!  BUTTERS  That's me.  [NEXT SCENES  Butters jumps into a puddle. Butters runs down the hall to the theater proper. Butters petting a white goat. Butters holds a picture of himself and John Elway. Butters talking in the playground, holding his tooth. Kyle finds Butters on the street, after Butters tags a wall. Butters in a truck, wth hockey mask on his head. Butters wondering how to not get anthrax. Butters as a Confederate officer. Butters taking over for Cartman on the phone. Butters talking in class. Butters talking to some kids in the playground. Butters as a gas station attendant after the adults are sent to prison for molesting their children. Butters with Stan and Kyle in the orientation meeting at David Blaine's complex. Butters at his window. Butters fainting after holding his breath too long trying to not get anthrax.]  ' ' CHOIR  Jumpin' in puddles, skippin' down the hallway   Pettin' at the petting zoo. He loves John Alway. Who's that tyke with the cutest little dimples, Battin' his eyes at every puppy he sees? If you look inside yourself, you might be surprised when you find   A little boy named Butters!  BUTTERS  Thaat's that's me, Yeah. . [Return to Butters' living room. His mom is dusting off a portrait on the wall as his dad returns to reading the newspaper]   BUTTERS  Three more days till we eat at Bennigan's. That's s-seventy-two hours. Aw gee whiz.  ' ' DAD  Well, if you two will excuse me, I need to go and buy a certain special lady her anniversary present.   MOM  I hope he means me, haha.  BUTTERS  Don't be silly, Mom. Of course he means you.   DAD  I'll be back in a little bit. Butters, you're in charge of the house.   BUTTERS  Yes sir!  MOM  Oh, I wonder what he's gonna get me this year?  ' BUTTERS  We won't know until we're at Bennigan's.  '  MOM  Every year it's the same. Your father gets me some great gift and my gift to him falls short. I've just got to outdo him this year, I've just got to.  ' ' BUTTERS  Dad's a good shopper all right.  MOM  Butters, maybe you could secretly follow your dad and see what he's getting me.  ' ' BUTTERS  You mean, spy on him? Uh but... ain't that kind of like... fibbin'?   MOM  No, it's a little different. You remember when the nice policeman gave yuu a badge and made you an honorary inspector?  ' ' BUTTERS  Sure I do!  MOM  Why, I think Inspector Butters could find out what Daddy'd getting Mommy without him ever knowing. What do you say?   BUTTERS  Inspector Butters in on the case, ma'am!  '  ["The Butters Show" splash screen, but now only "Butters" is on the screen.]  ' CHOIR  Everyone know it's Butters!  BUTTERS  Uh, that's me! [South Park, night, the seedy side of town. Butter's father walks down the street and stops at a corner. He sees a pawn shop across the street and walks towards it. He turns and faces the street for a few seconds, then puts on a hat and turns up the collar on his shirt. He walks back the way he came. Butters has arrived and sees him from behind a bush across the street. Butters has on his own disguise - a handlebar mustache - and carries a note pad, on which he takes notes of his father's every move. He pops out from behind the bush. His father looks around to make sure no one is following and arrives at Studcat Theater to see "Fisting Firemen 9." He looks around as he enters, and the doors close behind him]   BUTTERS  Hm. Dad's going to see a movie. How nice.   [Butters' father soon leaves the theater and walks towards a men's bath house, the White Swallow Spa. He arrives and rings the doorbell. He looks around both ways and enters as soon as the buzzer sounds. Butters looks on from behind a trash can across the street]   BUTTERS  "White Swallow Bath House" ["The Butters Show" splash screen]  CHOIR  Everyone know it's Butters!  BUTTERS  Uh, that's me! [Butters' hosue, night. He's returned from his tour of espionage and finds his mother in the kitchen cutting carrots into slices]  ' ' BUTTERS  I'm back, Ma!  MOM  Oh, hi sweetie. Did you get to follow your dad around?   BUTTERS  I sure did. Dad sure had a nice night out.   MOM  Well, did you see what he got me for our anniversary?   BUTTERS  Well first, he went to see a movie.  ' ' MOM  A movie? Hmmm. I wonder why he'd wanna see a movie by himself.   BUTTERS  I don't know. But it wasn't the movie theater at the mall. No, it was that, really old theater downtown. The Studcat. I didn't know it was open.   MOM  Wait a minute. What was the movie called?  ' ' BUTTERS  "Fisting Firemen 9" I've never seen 1 through 8.   MOM  Oh my God...  BUTTERS  Uh but it must have been a real short movie, though, because Dad came out, like, ten minutes later. ...And it must have been a sad film, too, because, he had a bunch of tissue paper with him when he came out. Poor old Dad, the movie really got to him.   MOM  Butters, where did Daddy go after the movie?   BUTTERS  To the gym.  MOM  To the gym.  BUTTERS  Yeah. The White Swallow Spa.  MOM  Gaah!  BUTTERS  Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds o' guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for firteen minutes straight!  ' ' MOM  ...Butters? Are you sure about this? You have to be absolutely sure!   BUTTERS  Inspector Butters gets all the facts. I even got some neato pictures. The only thing I can't figure out is why dad told you he was goin' shoppin' for yoru present when he was goin' out to see the movies an' wrestlin'. Oh, did you have a nice "trip," Mom? See you next "fall." Hahaha, yo- Ma?   ["The Butters Show" splash screen]  CHOIR  ...Butters!  BUTTERS  Uh, that's me! [Butters' house, day. He's working with Lego blocks at the coffee table while his mom works on the wall behind him, painting over one shade of green with a lighter shade. Her hair is a mess.]  ' ' MOM  Paaiint. Must paaiint. Everything clean. Paaiint.   DAD  Well, honey, you've painted the entire house. Three times.   MOM  Must paaiint. Everything clean. Everything new!   DAD  Say Butters, m-I'm havin' real trouble finding an anniversary present for Mom. Any ideas?   BUTTERS  Hm. Uh-I can't think of one.  DAD  Well then, it looks like I'm gonna have to go out shopping again.   MOM  Ungh. Paaiint. Everything clean. Everything new. Paaiint.   DAD  I'll be back in a little while.  BUTTERS  Should I go see what he gets you again, Mom?   MOM  I don't think Daddy's shopping. I think Daddy's going out wrestling again. Paaiint. Paaiint. Must be made clean. New.   BUTTERS  Hey, a new paint brush. That's what Dad could get Mom for their anniversary. I gotta go tell him.   MOM  Must clean Butters. Clean. Never be clean. Must... kill? The only way? Must kill Butters. Paaiint.   ["The Butters Show" splash screen]  CHOIR  ...Butters!  BUTTERS  That's me! [The White Swallow Spa, night. Butters is at its front doors and rings the buzzer. The doors open and he enters He jumps up and gives the attendant some money - $10.]   BUTTERS  One please.  ATTENDANT  Locker two thirteen!  BUTTERS  Uh thanks! [The locker room. The camera pans across the locker room and shows nothing but men in towels. Some of them are exercising, others just chat.]   BUTTERS  Dad? Dad, you in here? [A hallway. Butters happens upon a wooden door with a small window in the upper half. He looks up at the window, then enters the room.]   BUTTERS  Hello? Eh-anybody in here?  MAN 1  There, do you think that works?  MR. GARRISON  Well, that's four fingers; try five.  ' ' BUTTERS  Uh Mr. Garrison?  MR. GARRISON  ...Who is that?! [The main hallway. Butters enters and checks the first door to his left. Two men walk towards the entrance and walk out]   BUTTERS  Da-ad? Da-ad?? Are you wrestlin' in here? Dad?   MAN 2  This room's taken.  BUTTERS  Oh, uh, pardon me, sirs. ndad? No. Hm. ''' ' DAD ' OOH! BUTTERS!!   BUTTERS ''' Hi Dad!  DAD  Oh God! Aaah! Ohhh!  BUTTERS  I'm glad I found ya. I think I know the perfect anniversary present for Mom. But what are you doin' with your weiner out there, Dad?   DAD  Butters, you need... to leave here right now! You need to... get out of here, egeh... Go home and wait for me to talk to talk to you.   BUTTERS  Oh. Well, alright then. Well, see ya at home.   DAD  Oh, Jesus, no. OH, what have I done?    ["The Butters Show" splash screen]  CHOIR  Everyone knows it's Butters!  BUTTERS  That's me! [Butters' house, night. Butters' dad is in his study.]  DAD  Butters! Oh Butters! Could you come and see me in my study real quick?  ' ' BUTTERS  Uh, hey Dad.  DAD  Come here, son. I wanna have a talk with you.   BUTTERS  Well, sure thing, Dad.  DAD  Son, I wanted to talk to you about lying.  ' ' BUTTERS  Well, I know lying's bad, Dad. Y-you told me so.   DAD  Yes, it sure can be. But, there are also times when distorting the truth a little ih, is appropriate. These are called "little white lies."   BUTTERS  Little white lies?  DAD  Ya see, sometimes telling a little white lie is okay. Like, for instance, when you catch your father jacking off in a gay men's bath house.   BUTTERS  ...Uh, who's Jack?  DAD  Butters, the point is that, I think that if you told Mommy what Daddy was doing tonight, weh, she might go completely insane.   BUTTERS  Oh no, that won't happen, Dad.  DAD  It won't? Oh, good.  BUTTERS  Eh, no. Because I already told Mom and she's fine.   DAD  You... what?  MOM  Butters, Mommy wants to take you for a little drive now.   BUTTERS  A drive? Oh, boy! I I love a good drive. Is Dad comin' too?   MOM  No, sweetie, Daddy needs to sit and think.   BUTTERS  Alright. See ya in a bit, Dad. Oh boy, a drive!   BUTTERS  Oh, jeez, you wouldn't have believed how angry I was when Teacher said I had to share my fingerpaints, because I've been sharin' them all along.  ' ' MOM  Butters, you know that Mommy loves you an awful lot, don't you?   BUTTERS  Well, sure I do, Mom. I love you, too.  ' ' MOM  And sometimes moomies do things that seem hurtful to their babies, but it's really for the best.   BUTTERS  Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for sayin' "nutsack" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself.   MOM  If a mommy has to end her life, she can't let her baby alone in the world to be raised by a sick pervert.   BUTTERS  Well, sure, that makes sense, I suppose, yeah. Hey, did you seen my mittens anywhere? It's cold out here.   MOM  I'm going to get out of the car now, Butters. I want you to stay put with your seat belt fastened.   BUTTERS  Oh. Well, alright, Mom. O-o-okay then.    [she moves the gear shift to neutral, releases the emergency brake, opens the driver-side door, and exits. She walks away from the water, and the car starts to move forward]   You know, I think the car might be movin', Mom. [cut to a view of the water from the dock] Yep, I'm pretty sure the car is movin'. Looks like I'm headin' for the water.   MOM  Shhh. Shhh. It's okay, baby. Mommy will be with you very soon.   BUTTERS  Well, I think I- Yeup, it looks like the car is fillin' up with water! Yeah. I think right now might be a good time to try to get the car out, Mom!   ["The Butters Show" splash screen]  CHOIR  Everyone knows it's Butters!  BUTTERS  That's me! [Butters' house, night, living room. His mom has returned home and is now writing a note. A noose hangs over the coffee table, ready for her to use when the time comes. His father, apparently, is not home]   MOM  "Dear bastard husband," No. "Dear lying sonofabitch," No. "Dear assface," Yeah, that's it. "I will no longer-"   DAD  Linda?? What are you doing??  LINDA  Stay away from me, bastard!  DAD  Linda, I know this is very hard-  LINDA  You don't know anything!  DAD  I've been wanting to stop going to those places, Linda, but I couldn't. I still love you!   LINDA  Then why, Chris, why??!!  DAD  It just... it started as some curiosity on the Internet. I would chat with other married goes in the chat rooms and... Well the things they woudl talk about, Linda, I, I don't know why I found it exciting. I just did, and it, and it grew from there and it spun out of control, and- eh, ugh, DAMN YOU, INTERNET!  ' ' LINDA  Well, you don't have to worry about your family being in your way anymore!  ' ' DAD  No, Linda! I don't want that lifestyle! It's just kind of an addiction. I want help. And I'm going to get help. Please, just give me a chance to make this all up to you. We can have a normal life!  ' ' LINDA  There is no going back, Chris!  DAD  Sure there is!  LINDA  No! Our son is dead!  DAD  What?  LINDA  I killed him. I was going to end it all, and everything spun out of control for me. I drowned Butters iin the car, Chris!   CHRIS  Oh no. No! No, no, Jesus! Linda, what were you thinking?   LINDA  I WASN'T THINKING! I couldn't think! You destroyed my life, you!! D'Oh, God, what have I done?! Oh, Butter-her-hers-ss-ss-  ' ' CHRIS  This can't be happening! This is a bad dream.   LINDA  Just go away and let me die!  CHRIS  No! Linda, we-  LINDA  I'm a murderer, Chris! I don't have a life now!   CHRIS  Linda, Butters is gone. Oh Christ, if Butters is gone, then... there's nothing we can do about that. But I won't let you go to jail, I promise, Linda! Pleeease!   [A river, day. The family car come into view, floating down the river, with Butters still strapped in.]   BUTTERS  Oh, boy! This thing ain't never gonna stop! I must be all the way down to Denver by now. Ohhh, whoopee! Finally. Uh now that the car has come to a stop,it's safe for me to unfasten my seat belt. Boy, Mom must be- worried sick about- me right now. Ah I goota get back home. Wuh gee whiz, where the heck am I?    ["The Butters Show" splash screen]  CHOIR  -ows it's Butters!  BUTTERS  That's me! [Butters' house, day. A News 4 crew is there, with reporter in place. So is a crowd of spectators and other news media]   NEWS 4 REPORTER  Tom, I'm standing in front of the home of Chris and Linda Stotch. They're living every parent's nightmare right now, as last night, while Ms. Stotch was driving with her son in the car, a man stopped her, put a gun to her head, andn took her son away. When asked who the man was, Ms. Stotch replied, "Some Puerto Rican guy." Naturally, the police are in an all-out manhunt for some Puerto Rican guy. Uh, it looks like the parents are about to make a statement, Tom.  ' ' REPORTER 1  Mrs. Stotch? Mrs. Stotch? Any word yet from the man who took your son?   LINDA  No, no, not yet. But if you're out there, we beg you: we just want our baby returned safely back to us.   NEWS 4 REPORTER 1  Mrs. Stotch, what did the kidnapper look like?   LINDA  Puerto Rican.  NEWS 4 REPORTER 2  Was he tall? Short.  LINDA  He was... average Puerto Rican height. Please, just bring our baby back to me.   ["The Butters Show" splash screen]  CHOIR  ...Butters!  BUTTERS  That's me! [The highway, day. He's in a Busy Beavers moving truck going uphill]   BUTTERS  And so them my friend started hollerin' at me, sayin' "you took my rubber bands." Well, I didn't take 'em, Craig, did. I saw Craig take 'em. Anyway, boy, I sure am lucky you came along, Mister.  ' ' TRUCK DRIVER  Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some God-damned poontang.   BUTTERS  Yeah. I could use some God-damned poontang myself right now. Have you ever been to Bennigan's, Mister? Oh, it sure is great. I'm goin' to Bennigan's tomorrow night with my family. Oh, I can just see it now. We'll walk in the front doors, and the nice Bennigan's hostess lady will take us to our cozy booth Then we'll order some mozzarella sticks, for appetizers. Dad will open his present, and Mom will open hers Uh then the Bennigan's wait staff will sing   Happy Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's [the entire staff sings at the table as the family listens]    Happy Happy Anniversary-eh from everyone at Bennigan's [the sequence is cut short as the driver gets annoyed] Happy Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's [the truck stops and the driver exits to make his way to the passenger side]   Happy Ha- Whoa, are we stoppin' for sodas? Hey, can I have chocolate milk? [the driver opens the door, plucks Butters out, set him by the side of the road, closes the door, and heads back for the driver's side. He gets in and drives off. Butters watches him go, then turns to face the receding truck...] He must like TGI Fridays.   [Butters' house, day. The news crews and the crowd are gone. Inside, the parents sit on the sofa as the police and detectives handle the case. The phone rings. Chris rises, but the police chief stops him]   POLICE CHIEF  Let us handle it. Barbrady?  BARBRADY  Hello? [Rob's Sassy Ladys titty bar. A few men sit around looking at an exotic dancer works her way around a pole. Butters is at a pay phone nearby]   BUTTERS  Oh. Hello? Uh, who is this?  BARBRADY  Who is this?  BUTTERS  Uh, is this the Stotch residence?  BARBRADY  Yes. Are you calling about the abduction?  ' ' BUTTERS  ...No.  BARBRADY  Oh. Well, are you Puerto Rican?  BUTTERS  ...No.  BARBRADY  We need to keep this line clear. Call back another day. It wasn't the abductors, sorry.   OFFICER 1  Chief! Two more parents from the next town over have shwon up saying their child might have been killed by the same guy that took the Stotch boy.  ' ' POLICE CHIEF  Really?  OFFICER 2  This is John and Patsy Ramsey, from Boulder.   JOHN RAMSEY  We saw your story on the news, and we were so sorry to hear about your loss.   PATSY RAMSEY  Our daughter was killed a few years ago, in our house.   LINDA  Yes, I... remember hearing something about that.   JOHN RAMSEY  A and we realized... The man that murdered your son must be the same person that killed our daughter!   PATSY RAMSEY  Yes, because we certainly didn't do it! No.   JOHN RAMSEY  No, huh.  PATSY RAMSEY  No.  CHRIS  Well, our son was ab-ducted. We don't know that he's dead yet.   THE RAMSEYS  Riiight. ["The Butters Show" splash screen]  CHOIR  ...Butters!  BUTTERS  That's me! [A road, day. Butters walks along and comes to a fork in the road. A gas station sits in the middle of the fork, and a mechanic works on a red car. Butters approaches him]   BUTTERS  Sir? Hello?  MECHANIC  Hallo, what can I do for ya?  BUTTERS  Wah I have to get to South Park. Eh, if you give me a ride, I could pay you the four dollars I made at the titty bar.   MECHANIC  Sarrih, wife took the car to Estes Park for the weekend. Won't be back until Sunday, hyeah. I can give you a ride Sunday, if ya like.   BUTTERS  I can't wait till Sunday. I'm eating with my family at Bennigan's tomorrow.  ' ' MECHANIC  Well, then, looks like you're walkin'.  ' ' BUTTERS  Uh will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road?   MECHANIC  'Aht road leads to Conifuh. You want to go to South Park, you gotta go down that rod. 'Course, I ani't nevuh seen anyone ngo up that rod. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost. Had to eat each other to say alahv. Used to be the way to O'Riley house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in a cellah. But, you should find an old bridge about halfway up. That bridge is cursed, you know? They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yeah. Lotta historih down that rod.   BUTTERS  ...Well, it's my parents' anniversay tomorrow, and they're gonna be awful sad if I'm not there with 'em.   MECHANIC  Well, uh good luck then.  BUTTERS  Oh jeez.  MECHANIC  ...or is South Park down that rod?    [I Am Siam Thai Cuisine restaurant, day. Inside, the Ramseys and the Stotches are seated at a booth, men on the inside, women on the outside. Lunch is served]   JOHN RAMSEY  It's so very hard to lose a loved one, isn't it?   CHRIS  Yes, it, it sure is.  PATSY RAMSEY  Thank goodness we have each other to share our grief.   LINDA  Thank goodness.  JOHN RAMSEY  Here he is.  A POLITICIAN  John! Patsy!  JOHN RAMSEY  Hello, Gary. Great to see you. Chris and Linda, this is our good friend, Congressman Gary Condit. He also lost someone close to him and thinks it something to do with the same Puerto Rican guy that hurt our kids.   GARY CONDIT  We're goin' tuh get that sonofabitch!  ' ' CHRIS  Yes, I'd I sure hope we do.  GARY CONDIT  I spoke with the FBI and some Puerto Rican guy has just made their Number One Most Wanted, heh.   PATSY RAMSEY  Oh, good. Maybe now they'll catch him. Oh, here's another member of our support group. O.J.   O.J. SIMPSON  Hey guys.  GARY CONDIT  Chris, Linda, you know O.J. Simpson.  ' ' LINDA  Oh. Sure.  PATSY RAMSEY  O.J.'s wife was killed by an uh some Puerto Rican guy, too.   O.J. SIMPSON  Yup, it was some Puerto Rican guy all right.   JOHN RAMSEY  So you see, Chris and Linda, there are people like you all over the country who've been affected by some Puerto Rican guy.   GARY CONDIT  Hey! Let's make Chris and Linda an official part of the group.   JOHN RAMSEY  Yeah!  PATSY RAMSEY  Yeah!  O.J. SIMPSON  Alright!  PATSY RAMSEY  One of us! One of us!  GARY CONDIT  Gooble gobble gooble gobble!  O.J. SIMPSON  One of us! [the two lines happen together]  O.J. SIMPSON  One of us! Gooble gobble!   [The scary road, night. The skies have cleared to reveal a bright full moon. The camera moves down to the road and Butters comes into view singing to himself]   BUTTERS  For family fun and great food, too, come on down to... Bennigan's   [a shadow flies over the trees in front of him, and an eerie cry is heard. He stops]   Buffalo wings and fried food, cokes, and Foster Farms at... Bennigan's    [a snarling sound is heard. He stops and turns right, looking into the trees]   Uhuh, hello? [after a while of looking, he turns left and starts walking again] So come and eat at...   A VOICE  Why can't he see us?  BUTTERS  ...Bennigan's. You'll love all our... shenanigans. [the eerie sound is heard again, and three red dots are ained at his forehead - he has been targeted by someone, or something... He turns right again and looks into the trees. Someone looks back, and turns on thermal vision. A neon view of Butters is shown. Butters turns left and start walking agian. The three dots remain trained on his forehead]   Oh, nutsack [moves his hands to his mouth and gasps a bit] Oops.    ["The Butters Show" splash screen]  CHOIR  Everyone knows it's Butters!  BUTTERS  That's me! [Butters' house, day, the anniversary has arrived. Inside, Chris and Linda are fighting over the details of the unfolding story of Butters' disappearance. He sits on the sofa; she's pacing the floor, crying, and both are unkempt]   CHRIS  Naw, Linda! Because you can't now say that the abductor is Costa Rican! You have to learn to keep it straight!  ' ' LINDA  I can't keep it straight when you keep inventing new parts to the story!  ' ' CHRIS  Hey, don't forget that I'm covering for you!   LINDA  Don't forget: your lies started all this.   CHRIS  My lies may have been deceitful, but your lies cover up something much more horrible than anything I ever did!  ' ' BUTTERS  Happy Anniversary!  CHRIS  Not now, Butters!  BUTTERS  Oh. Alright, then. I-  LINDA  Butters?? Oh, Butters!  CHRIS  Son! I don't believe it!  BUTTERS  Ah, I'm sorry. The car just rolled into the lake, and it floated all the way down the river. I tried callin' home, but it was-   LINDA  Oh, my baby's back!  BUTTERS  I ain't grounded, am I?  CHRIS  No-huih, no, Butters. Oh, son, why... Oh... Uh, we're gonna need you to tell a little white lie about where you've been though, alright?   BUTTERS  Lie?  LINDA  Oh. Eh yes. Uh darling, you're going to have to say you don't know how you got home.   CHRIS  No! You have to say that a Puerto Rican man dropped you off!   LINDA  Ohhh, who's gonna believe he just dropped him off?!   BUTTERS  Hey, you stop hollerin'! It's your anniversary.  ' ' CHRIS  Now we don't really have a choice, do we?!   LINDA  You're the one that made up the stuff about the Puerto Rican, IDIOT!   BUTTERS  Uh stop it, Mom and Dad.  CHRIS  Well you're the one who couldn't back it up wit a description, stupid!   BUTTERS  Now gosh darn it, you! You listen here! Now I am sick of these harmless lies and l-little white lies. You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinkin' lie! And when you start coverin' up one lie with another why, now that's when you get into real trouble! Boy I've, I've just about had it up to here with you two!   CHRIS  ...Butters... You're as right as rain.  ' ' LINDA  You sure are.  BUTTERS  Well I ain't in trouble for hollerin' at ya, am I?   LINDA  No, Butters. You're the best son in the whole world. And I am so happy you're alive.   BUTTERS  ...Well ah, I'm happy you're alive too, Mom. So now can we go to Bennigan's?  ' ' CHRIS  You bet, son. But Mommy and Daddy have something they have to do first.    [Butters' house, day. The news media and the spectators are back at the Stotch house for another press conference.. The front door opens and the Stotches step forth to the podium, all cleaned up and well-dressed. Cameramen begin taking pictures]   CHRIS  We... have an announcement to make, um. Our son has been returned to us.  ' ' MAN IN CROWD  Wow, alright  STAN  Butters was missing?  CHRIS  But, that isn't all we have to say. You see, we learned a very important lesson tonight and it took the smarts of our young son to show us.   BUTTERS  Yeah!  LINDA  We've learned that deception is wrong and that the only thing to ever make it right again is to come clean.   BUTTERS  Yeah!  CHRIS  You see, I've been deceiving my wife for several months. I was going to gay movie- and bathhouses and having sex with random men who were complete strangers.  ' ' BUTTERS  Ye-! wait, what?  CARTMAN  Huho!  LINDA  And when I found out I went crazy, I went crazy and I drove my son into the lake to kill 'im.   BUTTERS  Uh, k-kill me? Uh Jesus Christ!  STAN  Damn, dude.  CHRIS  So you see, there was no "some Puerto Rican guy." He doesn't exist. And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit, and O.J. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you and, we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a LIAR!" "You know somethin' that you're not telling us, you slimy, scumbag LIAR!!" Eh you know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say, "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that MURDERER!" "You got away with MURDER you murdering, lying, waste of life!!" And to me, people might say things like, "LIAR! Tell us what you know you God-damned LIAR!!" And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, "You know God-damn well what happened to your kid, so stop acting like victims, and confess, you MURDERING ''' MURDERERS!!" "CONFESS!!" "LIAR!! CONFESS!!" ''' You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth.  ' ' LINDA  We're sorry we lied to you all. It won't happen again.  ' CHRIS  And now, if you'll excuse us, this family has to get to Bennigan's.  ' MAN 2 IN CROWD  Yeah-ah-alright!  STAN  Wow dude, your dad's a perv and your mom tried to kill you.   BUTTERS  Yeah. Boy, you fellas are sure gonna rip on me at school now.   CARTMAN  We sure are.  BUTTERS  I really wish I didn't know that stuff. I guess I learned that sometimes, lying can be for the best. Yup. Oh well, when I want a chipotle bleu cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad... bein' queer and my mom tryin' to kill me. I'm gonna be okay.   STAN  Really?  BUTTERS  Naw, I'm lyin'  CHRIS  Let's go, son.  BUTTERS  Wuh comin', Dad!  CHOIR  Everyone knows it's Butters!  BUTTERS  That's me! THE END