The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs/Script

Cast

 * Stan
 * Kyle
 * Cartman
 * Kenny
 * Butters
 * Mr. Garrison
 * Sharon Marsh
 * Randy Marsh
 * Steven Stocth
 * Kim Kardashian
 * Shelia Broflovski
 * Gerald Broflovski
 * Mr. Needlebaum
 * Mr. Adler
 * A Female Teacher
 * Red
 * Lola
 * A News Anchor
 * Matt Lauer
 * Linda Stotch
 * Meredith Vieira
 * Al Roker
 * Matthew Broderick
 * An Announcer
 * Assemblymen 1-4
 * Assemblywomen 1-2
 * A Field Reporter
 * Morgan Freeman
 * Shoppers 1-7
 * Some Woman Named Marsha
 * The rest of the Kardashians
 * Some Guy
 * Another News Anchor

Script
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 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(South Park Elementary, day, Fourth Grade class. The bell rings and Mr. Garrison enters with a box of books.)
 * Okay kids, let's take our seats. (sets the box down on the desk) There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read.
 * Aww, books? I hate those!
 * Now, kids, this book is very controversial and has just been taken off the banned books list. (the book in question is J.D. Salinger's The Catcher In The Rye)
 * Oh really? Sweet.
 * It's called The Catcher In The Rye, and it has some very... risqué parts... (begins handing out the books individually)
 * All right!
 * ...and strong vulgar language...
 * (Awesome, dude!)
 * ...and in fact many schools across the country still ban this book because it's thought to be so inappropriate.
 * Oho man, I can't wait!
 * Tonight I want you to read chapters one through five, and tomorrow we'll discuss the-
 * No on, come on, let's read it now!
 * Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?
 * Uh-yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by The Catcher In The Rye, but he was just a kook! (jabs his left index finger at the floor)
 * Whoa, you're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate, and made a guy shoot the king of hippies? Can we please read this right now?!
 * You will read it at home, (jabs his left index finger at the floor again, then puts his palms on his hips) and you will all be mature about its adult themes and language!
 * Awww!
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(Kyle's house, that afternoon. Kyle is reading at his desk, Stan is on the floor next to Kyle's bed reading. Kyle is almost finished with the book while Stan is halfway through it.)
 * Did you get to any dirty parts yet?
 * No, it's still just some whiny annoying teenager talking about how lame he is.
 * (turns the page) I don't get it dude, w-what's so controvoersial about this? All he's done is said "shit" and "fuck" a few times.
 * I know. I'm almost at the end and there's nothing. [the door opens and a pissed-off Cartman enters and closes the door]
 * Motherfucker! (Kyle turns around to face him, Stan stands up and walks up to him) The whole thing! I read the whole fucking thing! I kept thinking, "alright, I guess the cool offensive stuff must be coming," and then after like a hundred pages I was like "alright, I guess all the dirty stuff is at the end," and then I got to the last page, and I was all "the fuck is this?! I just read a book! For nothing!"
 * (picks up his book) Why the hell was this book banned?!
 * They fucking tricked us, that's what they did! Tricked us into reading a book by, enticing us with promises of vulgarity! (the door opens again and Kenny enters with his book)
 * (Dude, what the fuck is so filthy or offensive in here?)
 * We know, we were just saying that.
 * Why would anyone think this book os obscene or dangerous?
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(Butters' house, same time. He's reading the book at the kitchen table with an odd look in his eyes. He sets the book down)
 * Kill John Lennon... (leaves his chair and walks across the kitchen) Kill Joh Lennon... Kill John Lennon... (reaches into a bottom drawer and pulls out a large steak knofe) Kill John Lennon! (walks by his dad's study and stops to look in) Hey dad, where does John Lennon live?
 * John Lennon's dead, Butters.
 * (lowers the knife instantly) Aww. Dangit. (drops it and walks away)
 * Dude, some people really do consider this obscene.
 * It's not obscene, dude! I'll show them fucking obscene!
 * Hey yeah, we should write our own banned book. (Kyle breaks into a grin)
 * Yeah, we could get a book banned way more than this one.
 * Yeah, sweet.
 * (Awesome.)
 * (starts typing) The Tale of... (can't think of anything, so his smile disappears)
 * The Tale of... Scrotie McDickinass.
 * (Yeheah, Scrotie McDickinass)
 * Oh that's, (giggles) yeah that's good, that's good. Alright, chapter... one...
 * It was a... a warm spring morning. (background music plays and a montage follows. Next is the school playgroud where, as other kids play, Stan and the other three siit on the steps of a side entrance and continue working on their book, with Cartman taking notes Next is Stan's room where Stan is typing the next part of the book. The boys are having fun with the writing. Next scene is in Cartman's room where Cartman is again writing the story down. Kyle has brought Ike over for company. Finally, a few days later, Sharon enters Stan's room to put away his clean clothes. She puts away some underwear, but notices something in the drawer. Under Stan's shirts is the manuscript to the story the boys have been working on. Sharon reaches for it.)
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(Stan's room, day. Sharon grabs the manuscript and begins reading it)
 * "The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs"? (goes to the first page) "It was a warm summer morning when Scrotie McBoogerballs awoke to find his"... (reads silently) Ew. "He took a..." (stunned) What? Oh. OH! Oh my God! "He then grabbed his dog's" (stifles a gag but can't hold it in, and barfs) Ehohoh, oh my God! "Walking out of his house he spotted the bloodiest pus-covered" (tries not to barf again, but can't hold it in) Nooo! Nooo! (reads some more, but then coughs, then barfs) Noho! Nooo!
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(The Marsh kitchen, downstairs. Sharon races down with the manuscript...)
 * Randy? (spots him working on a small wooden ship and runs in) Randy! Randy, you need to read this!
 * Read what?
 * This book! Our son and his friends wrote it!
 * So?
 * Soo?? Randy, it's, it's, it's really good!
 * Huh?
 * I mean it's disgusting. (hands the manuscript over to him) It's, it's the most disgusting thing I've ever read, but, the plot is amazing. And the characters are so... vivid!
 * "It was a warm summer morning when Scrotie McBoogerballs awoke to find hi-" Ew, Sharon, gross!
 * Nono, just keep reading.
 * "He took a- and then-" Oh, man. Oh, this- (turns to his left and barfs on the floor. Sharon turns away and shields herself)
 * I know. I know, Randy, but trust me. You've gotta push through to the end.
 * Noo, noo, that's just WRONG!
 * Randy please! You've got to listen to me!
 * "Walking out of the house he found a bloody pu-" What? "He immediately stuck up his im...fected ba-" (barfs again. He spends a couple hours more reading, and finally reaches the last few pages. There's a pail in front of him now, but the vomit has gone all over the place. He has a small towel in his left hand covered in vomit. His voice is now soft and beat) "That was all long ago in some brief lost spring, in a place that is no more. In that hour the vaj frogs begin and the scent off Scrotie's infected anus becomes its strongest." Oh... Oh, man.
 * Well?
 * It's... it's awesome. Sharon it's it's the best book I've ever read.
 * Right? It's not just me.
 * No, it's... I mean, the whole part about Amsterdam, wow!
 * What do we do, Randy? We can't support our son talking like this, but I, I mean.
 * NO! I kn.., I know! People need to read this book, Sharon, this is... this is Pulitzer prize stuff.
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(Cartman's house, day, living room. Kenny, Cartman and Kyle are playing a video game)
 * Hehehhh, you're dead, Kenny!
 * (runs into the living room in a panic) Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer. My parents must have found it!
 * ...so why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all.
 * Hey hey! I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it! If I'm going down, somebody has to go down with me!
 * Well if I'm going down, Cartman's going down!
 * And if I'm going down, both Kyle and Kenny are definitely going down!
 * Well dude, somebody has got to go down!
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(Butters' house, day. He's in the living room watching TV. Cartman walks in with the other three boys)
 * Butters, what are you up to?
 * Oh hey fellas. I'm just watching the Kardashians
 * Today my sisters and I are gonna have to wash something. It's gonna blow!
 * Kim Kardashian is sooo sexy. Her butt is like a biiig mountain of pudding.
 * Butters, listen: you are in big trouble!
 * I am?
 * Yeah, you remember that book you wrote? Stan's mom found it.
 * Oh no. Which book was that?
 * Dude, the book you left with us when you were sleepwalking last night!
 * I don't even remember that. (gasps) But it all makes sense now. Ever since I read The Catcher In The Rye I've been having these... blackouts. Crazy thoughts of wanting to kill the phonies. I must have channeled all my angst into dark writings in my sleep!
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(Kyle's house, day. The boys and their parents are in the living room)
 * Alright boys, we need to get to the bottom of this.
 * We've all read the book now and it is very shocking to say the least.
 * Okay, well... a-actually it was all written by... Butters. [Butters walks in hanging his head]
 * That's right.
 * Butters? Is that true?
 * Yeah, though I barely remember it, but I know I did.
 * Well Butters, we think... that this is one of the BEST books we've ever read.
 * Huh?
 * What? (the other boys can't believe it)
 * Yeah, it's really amazing.
 * (brightens up) Oh, thanks.
 * We were actually so moved by your book, Butters, that we brought Mr. Needlebaum from Penguin Publishing to read it.
 * Mr. Butters, we would like to offer you a deal for first publishing rights to your brilliant novel.
 * Hey, wait a minute, that's ours!
 * Yeah, we wrote that!
 * Ohkay boys, you already told the truth.
 * No, no, w-we we really did write it. Tell them, Butters.
 * I wrote that. (the adults begin to murmur amongst themselves)
 * Really amazing.
 * What? Hey! (Butters is pleased for once)
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(A news report)
 * It is being called the most disgusting, foul, sickening book ever written, and it is also being called "literary genius." The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs hit the shelves this weekend, and so far no one has been able to get through the first paragraph without vomiting.
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(Frontier Books. Everyone who's buying or reading the book is vomiting after reading a few seconds of it, then back to the news report)
 * The book has already sold millions of copies worldwide aaand has been translated into twenty six languages.
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(a reading in Chinese. The book cover is shown in Chinese. Even just hearing it, the Chinese audience vomits after Scrotie McBoogerballs' name. The reader continues for a few more seconds, but has to stop to vomit into the pail next to him. The audience vomits some more, and the reader continues, After reading Jessica Parker's name, he gets off his stool and vomits into the pail some more. The audience vomits some more. Then back to the news report)
 * The book is changing the literary world. And it is all thanks... to Leopold "Butters" Stotch. (a picture of Butters in a pensive pose pops up)
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(South Park Elementary, day. The students mill around. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Adler supervise the hallway)
 * Hey, here he comes!
 * Amazing book, Butters. (Mr. Garrison comes out of his classroom)
 * Thank you! (clasps his hands together and congratulates himself as he walks down the hallway)
 * You've changed my life, young man.
 * That's nice. (waves to everyone and walks on, but runs into Stan and the boys, who are mad at him)
 * Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!
 * Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?
 * Butters, you know goddamned well you didn't write that book!
 * But, you told me I did!
 * Yeah, but that was when we thought we were gonna get in trouble, asshole! [two girls rush up to Butters' aid]
 * Hey hey, you leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.
 * He's so brooding and full of angst.
 * Yeah, I'm broooding.
 * Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit!
 * Oh God, you guys are pathetic!
 * Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off others' success for once. [the girls leave]
 * God-damnit!
 * Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have the-
 * No, let me tell you somethin', fellers! You always take advantage of me, and after reading The Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! I'm not letting you trick me this time! So the four of you can just suck on my wiener!
 * That inconsiderate jerk!
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(The HBC logo pops up - a spoof of the NBC Peacock. What follows is an HBC News presentation)
 * Today on Today: We meet the author of the book that has swept the nation, and has now spawned TV's most popular game show, "How Long Can You Listen To Scrotie McBoogerballs On Audiobook" (the studio audience joins in) "And Not Vomit?" (a contestant is fitted with headphones and place in a soundproof booth. The front panel is a glass door so the audience can see the contestant's reaction without getting sprayed with vomit. It only takes two seconds of listening before the contestant vomits all over the door) The book is full of disgusting words and acts, including Sarah Jessica Parker, who is mentioned four hundred and sixty-five times. (a shot of Parker and her date at the Oscars) Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book?
 * Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman and I know that most people agree with me.
 * Uh huh, and Matthew, how come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress? (cut to a shot of the Stotch family sitting in Butters' room)
 * Joining us now is the author of the book, Leopold Stotch, along with his parents.
 * Hello Matt
 * Hi everyone.
 * You must be pretty proud of your son.
 * Oh, we certainly are. We're thrilled to learn he's so very talented.
 * And we also learned that your son is grounded. Is that correct?
 * Yes, we did have to ground him for the language in the novel of course.
 * I have to come right to my room after school.
 * But we are very very proud nonetheless.
 * (chuckles) young man, now that you are a respected author, have you met any famous people?
 * Not yet, but as soon as I'm not grounded anymore, I'm hopin' to meet Kim Kardashian. I wanna jump on her belly.
 * All right, uh, yeah huh. Butters, my favorite part of your novel was when Scrotie McBoogerballs slid his head up into the horse's (jumps off his stool and tries to vomit into a pail nearby, but misses. He vomits agin and this time gets it into the pail, burps, and coughs a few times, getting the last of the vomit into the pail, and finally spits. He gets back on the stool) Sorry, I uh, was that chapter a slam on health care reform as people suggested?
 * Uh... yeah, pretty much, I think, think so.
 * Is that why the doctor character pulls out all the strings (begins to vomit immediately)
 * Little boy, are you ever worried somebody might take your book wrong and try to kill someone, like when that guy tried to shoot Ronald Reagan after reading The Catcher in the Rye ?
 * Oh, is that who the book was tellin' me to kill? Ohhh. (gets into a trance) Kill Ronald Reagan. (hops off his bed and heads for the door) Kill Ronald Reagan.
 * Ronald Reagan is dead now, Butters.
 * Oh really? (goes back to his bed) Oh yeah, gosh dangit.
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(Assembly Hall, day.)
 * More and more of us are against this book every day! The author is cruel and offensive! And for these reasons, we demand this book be banned from all school, stores, and libraries! This book is nothing but smut and vulgarity purely for the sake of smut and vulgarity!
 * That's just because you're too young to understand the underlying themes.
 * There are no underlying themes! We know that for a fact!
 * You just fail to understand what the author meant.
 * The author meant to be as gross as possible because it was funny!
 * (chuckles) No, no no, that's such a simplistic view.
 * Goddamnit there is no deeper meaning in this book! Read it again!
 * Oh, so you're suggesting that the author just arbitrarily made fun of Sarah Jessica Parker for no reason??
 * Yes!
 * But what would be the point?
 * There is no point! It's just because Sarah Jessica Parker is fuckin' ugly!
 * No writer would take the time to make fun of Sarah Jessica Parker just because they think she's ugly.
 * Yes they would!
 * It is because Miss Jessica Parker is a metaphor in the book for oppression felt by the lowe class.
 * What?? Dude, that is not in the book at all!
 * Boys, this book is an important look at how liberals are hurting this country.
 * What?
 * Wait, Scrotie McBoogerballs is the most conservative-hating liberal in literature!
 * What book did you read?!
 * There's nothing about liberals or conservatives!
 * Ohohh yeah, then why did Sarah Jessica Parker's buttcheese end up in Scrotie's milkshake? [an assemblyman nearby throws up]
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(Butters' house, day. A Channel 9 reporter stands across the street from it as a small crowd gathers around the front door and look up at Butters' window)
 * Breaking news from acclaimed author Leopold Stotch. The artist has announced that he is working on a second novel as a followup to his wildly successful bestseller. We got a statement from the writer, who is still grounded in his room. (The reporter and Butters are yelling at each other to be heard.)
 * Can you give the public any idea what the new book is about??
 * Well, it's kind of about love and betrayal! The inner workings of the human mind!
 * Will it be as sick and disgusting as your first book??
 * Oh it's raunchy alright! I know what my readers want, and I'm going to deliver!
 * Butters, away from the window! You are being grounded!
 * Sorry Dad, I was just bein' the voice of a generation. (walks out of view)
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(Outside Assembly Hall, the boys sit on the curb. Sarah Jessica Parker stands next to a tree with a bare branch on which a bird sits)
 * I can't believe they won't ban our book!
 * I know! It's so much worse than Catcher in the retarded Rye!
 * (It's fucking disgusting!)
 * All right you guys, I know what we have to do. (stands up and walks onto the street) We've got to kill Sarah Jessica Parker.
 * What?? (Stan's hands go from his chin to his knees)
 * Think about it, guys. If somebody kills Sarah Jessica Parker, then they'll assume that somebody did it because of what was in the book. Then the book will get banned.
 * Dude, we're not killing Sarah Jessica Parker! (Sarah Jessica Parker hears her name and looks at the boys)
 * Shhh. (addresses Ms. Parker) Be right with you. (hushed tones to the other boys) We don't have to kill her, we can just help her get killed.
 * Shut up, Cartman! Just face it. We lost this one. (he and Kyle walk away)
 * Kenny... we only have to help her get killed and then we totally get back at Butters.
 * (looks over at Ms. Parker, then at Cartman) (Okay.)
 * (turns and walks over to Ms. Paker) Ms. Jessica Parker, over here. (Kenny follows.)
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(The Today Show, an HBC News production)
 * Well, the day has finally arrived. The eagerly awaited second novel from the author of Scrotie McBoogerballs hit the shelves this morning and apparently, bookstores are jammed.
 * Al, how is it out there?
 * (giggles) I don't know if you could see this, guys, but uh, the line stretches all the way around the block. People waiting for their turn to get inside the bookstore and read the novel. (the camera pans across the line from front to back and back again. The people in line smile and wave at the camera) And they brought trash bags and buckets to throw up in. Just a festive atmosphere here, Matt and Meredith.
 * Well, we've got our vomit buckets ready too, because coming up, a very special in-studio treat.
 * That's right, we are going to have a reading of the first five chapters of the book here live in our studio. Na-now we must warn you that this is from the same author who wrote the most graphic, obscene novel of all time, so... brace yourselves for some very harsh language. Take it away Morgan Freeman.
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(a shot of Morgan Freeman sitting in a study, a fireplace to his left, a library to his right, preparing to read from Butters' second book)
 * (reading slowly, with gravitas)
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(The woods, day. A sign by the side of a road indicates that moose hunting season is here and the woods are open. Cartman and Kenny are standing in the brush. Kenny makes a moose call with his hands and mouth. They wait for a response. Kenny makes the call again)
 * See any hunters yet?
 * (Not yet) (Ms. Parker is in a nearby clearing with moose horns attached to her head)
 * Doing good, Ms. Jessica Parker! Just hang out, right there.
 * Guys, stop, stop! (Kyle and Stan walk into view towards Cartman and Kenny) We don't have to do this!
 * (Huh?)
 * Butters wrote a second book!
 * So what?
 * So dude, if Butters wrote a second book, then everyone's gonna know he couldn't have written the first one!
 * We can get people to believe us now!
 * Oh dude, sweet! (all four boys walk away, leaving Ms. Parker all alone at the mercy of any moose that walks by her)
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(Cut to the in-studio reading of Butters' second novel)
 * "Why are we here?" Douglas cried as poop came out his wiener, in a long, thin strip. It was... wiener poop, which is the grossest poop of all.
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(Frontier Books, morning. The shoppers pick up where Morgan left off)
 * "The pee he got on the woman's leg, and she screamed, pooping out her boobs."
 * "And so when the pee got mixed with the poop, it smelled like a butt."
 * (in store with the other boys) Aw dude, this is even lamer than we thought. (grins)
 * People are gonna want Butters' head on a platter!
 * Are you reading this, Marsha? What do you think?
 * So far I think it's, it's incredible! Ih, it might be better than his first book.
 * I agree. It wasn't as edgy, but it's like, he he's gone back to his roots.
 * What?!
 * You can't be serious! You people like this?!
 * Some of the imagery is unbelievable
 * A woman pooping out her boobs is not good imagery!
 * Says you! You must be a pro-life nut, huh? (slides into taunting) Didn't like what the book had to say?
 * What are you talking about? This book is as pro-life as it gets!
 * Oh come on!
 * God-damnit, will you people stop reading into stuff that isn't there!!
 * "And the poop and the pee lived happily every after. The end." (closes the book...) Kill the phonies. Kill the phonies!
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(Keeping Up With The Kardashians is on the air)
 * Today my sisters and I are gonna shop for underwear.
 * Yaaay!
 * Can I go with you girls? (the seventh shopper breaks into the set and guns everyone down)
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(News report about the massacre)
 * Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading "The Poop That Took A Pee" by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over. The Kardiashians.. (cries a bit and sheds a tear) wiped out. In the blink of an eye. All because one little PRICK... had to go and write a book.
 * style="background:#C0C0C0;"|(Butters' room, day. Butters is at his desk with his face buried in his arms, The news report is airing on the TV in the background)
 * Leopold Stotch,.. I HOPE THEY BURY YOU! ...YOU EVIL FUCK! (the anchorman falls silent and the door opens. Cartman and the other boys enter)
 * Dude, people are pissed off at you, Butters.
 * I know.
 * They're saying they're gonna ban both your books now, completely. You're not making any more money!
 * (lifts his head up. He's been crying) You think I care about that? My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed! I loved her! And if she died it was because of me!
 * Ah... Oh Butters, [steps forward] it'll be all right. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning.
 * Yeah, dude, eh, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television.
 * Thang, thanks, fellas. I'll definitely never write again. I think I can get over this.
 * That's good, Butters, because, we need to tell you something.
 * What?
 * (sighs heavily) You were sleepwalking again and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker up in a moose suit. You left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter.
 * What?! Oh no!
 * Yep, sorry. You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you. )walks out of the room with the other boys)
 * Aw. Aw I got her killed too?? Aw uh, oh well, at least she was ugly. (leaves his desk and follows the other boys downstairs)
 * (End of The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs.)